You Can't Handle the Truth

(A parody of the famous scene from A Few Good Men)

KAFFEE
Your honor, these are the Strengthening the Members Committee meeting minutes from Salt Lae City
for August !th" And these are # boos that Snuffer $rote testifying, in fact begging, for people to ha%e
faith in and come to the Sa%ior"
(to EL&E' (ELS)(*
+pon hearing the ne$s that he $as finally getting e,communicated, Snuffer $as so angry, that do you
no$ ho$ many people he told to lea%e the church- .ero" (obody" (ot one post to his blog saying he
hates the church" (ot one call to a church representati%e saying /0ll mae you regret this" 1e $as acti%e
in his $ard, and according to you he $as apostati2ing, yet e%erything he $rote $as factually accurate
and in good faith" You held one committee meeting and you made it clear you $anted him
e,communicated" Snuffer $as getting cut off for the rest of his life, and he hadn0t taught false doctrine
and he hadn0t encouraged anyone to follo$ him any$here" Can you e,plain that-
3he fact is there $as no local leadership push to e,communicate Sunffer" Snuffer $asn0t going
any$here until you stepped in, isn0t that right, Elder-
EL&E' CLAY3)(
)b4ect" Your 1onor, it0s ob%ious that Lt" Kaffee0s intention this morning is to smear a high raning
church officer in the desperate hope that the mere appearance of impropriety $ill $in him points $ith
the high council" /t0s my recommendation, sir, that Lt" Kaffee recei%e an official reprimand from the
bench, and that the $itness be e,cused $ith the Court0s deepest apologies"
'A(&)L51 ponders this a moment"
'A(&)L51
(pause*
)%erruled"
CLAY3)(
Your honor 66
'A(&)L51
3he ob4ection0s noted"
KAFFEE
(beat*
Elder-
(elson0s smiling"""
"""and no$ he can0t help but let out a short laugh"
KAFFEE
(continuing*
/s this funny, sir-
(ELS)(
(o" /t0s not" /t0s tragic"
KAFFEE
&o you ha%e an ans$er-
(ELS)(
Absolutely" My ans$er is / don0t ha%e the first darn clue" Maybe his local leaders suddenly became
interested in his boos and lied to read in the summer" And maybe he didn0t ha%e any friends" /0m
adoctor of medicine, but /0m afraid / can0t spea intelligently about the reading habits of Snuffer0s local
leaders" 7hat / do no$ is that church discipline is al$ays done at the local le%el" (o$ are these really
the 8uestions / $as called here to ans$er- Meeting minutes and boos- 5lease tell me you0%e got
something more, Lieutenant" 5lease tell me there0s an ace up your slee%e" 3here are other faithful
people on trial for their membership" 5lease tell me their la$yer hasn0t pinned their hopes to a blog
post"
(beat*
&o you ha%e any other 8uestions for me, counselor-
3he courtroom is silenced" (elson0s slammed the door"
KAFFEE loos around the room, sees that the $orld is $aiting for him to do something"""
'A(&)L51
Lt" Kaffee-
KAFFEE says nothing" 1e glances o%er to 7A3E'MA( and 5ECK"
'A(&)L51
(continuing*
Lieutenant, do you ha%e anything further for this $itness-
KAFFEE doesn0t respond" (ELS)( gets up to lea%e"
(ELS)(
(standing*
3hans, Elder L" 7hitney Clayton" (othing lie a good ol0 court of lo%e"
And (ELS)( starts to lea%e, but he0s stopped by 66
KAFFEE
E,cuse me, / didn0t dismiss you"
(ELS)( turns around"
(ELS)(
/ beg your pardon"
KAFFEE
/0m not through $ith my e,amination" Sit do$n"
(ELS)(
Elder"
KAFFEE
7hat0s that-
(ELS)(
(to 'A(&)L51*
/0d appreciate it if he addressed me as Elder or &octor" / belie%e /0%e earned it"
'A(&)L51
&efense counsel $ill address the $itness as Elder or &octor"
(ELS)(
(to 'A(&)L51*
/ don0t no$ $hat the hell ind of a church court you0re running here"
'A(&)L51
And the $itness $ill address this Court as 9udge or Your 1onor" /0m 8uite certain /0%e earned it" 3ae
your seat, &octor"
(elson goes bac to the stand"
(ELS)(
(continuing*
7hat $ould you lie to discuss no$-: My trophy $ife0s harmful and critically panned boo-
KAFFEE
Elder, e,communication al$ays comes from local leaders-
(ELS)(
Yes"
KAFFEE
3here $asn0t a ;training< or an o%ersight %isit or an army of employees cra$ling through his boos and
blog looing for anything that could be used to 4ustify his e,communication-
'A(&)L51
Lieutenant, / thin $e0%e co%ered this, ha%en0t $e-
KAFFEE gets the t$o blog posts from his table as $ell as the piece of paper that 9)1( &E1L/(
scribbled on"
KAFFEE
Your 1onor, these are the chapters from &en%er Snuffer0s boo" 3he boo contains no false doctrine or
ill $ill to the church or its leadership, past or present" /0d lie to admit them as &efense E,hibits =A=
and =>="
'A(&)L51
/ don0t understand" You0re admitting e%idence of a boo that ne%er constituted an act of apostasy-
KAFFEE
Elder (elson belie%es it did, sir"
(glancing at the paper, then motioning to the 7'/3E'S*
&efense0ll be calling Alan 'oc 7aterman and Elbert 5ec" 3hey ha%e personal e,perience and
e%idence to sho$ that central church authorities do ha%e and e,ercise authority o%er
e,communications"
CLAY3)(
Your 1onor, these men $eren0t on the list" 'ebuttal $itnesses, Your 1onor, called specifically to refute
testimony offered under direct e,amination"
/f you looed closely at (ELS)(, you could see a drop of s$eat"
'A(&)L51
/0ll allo$ the $itnesses"
(ELS)(
3his is ridiculous"
KAFFEE
Elder, a moment ago 66
(ELS)(
Chec the Church 1andboo for /nstructions for hea%en0s sae"
KAFFEE
7e0ll get to the $riters in 4ust a minute, Elder" A moment ago you said that you ordered central
authorities to stay out of local leadership issues"
(ELS)(
3hat0s right"
KAFFEE
And they $ere clear on $hat you $anted-
(ELS)(
Crystal"
KAFFEE
Any chance they ignored the order-
(ELS)(
/gnored the order-
KAFFEE
Any chance they 4ust forgot about it-
(ELS)(
(o"
KAFFEE
Any chance they left your office and said, =3he 0old man0s $rong=-
(ELS)(
(o"
KAFFEE
7hen church representati%es spoe to the press and claimed that these courts are only a local matter,
any chance they $eren0t telling the truth-
(ELS)(
1a%e you e%er spent time in an )perating 'oom, son-
KAFFEE
(o sir"
(ELS)(
E%er ser%ed in the 8uorum of the t$el%e apostles-
KAFFEE
(o sir"
(ELS)(
E%er put your trust in the flesh of another man0s arm, as him to put his trust in yours-
KAFFEE
(o sir"
(ELS)(
7e obey authority, son" 7e obey authority or souls are damned" /t0s that simple" Are $e clear-
KAFFEE
Yes sir"
(ELS)(
Are $e clear-
KAFFEE
Crystal"
KAFFEE speas $ith the 8uiet confidence that comes from no$ing you0re about to drop your
opponents
KAFFEE
(continuing? beat*
Elder, / ha%e 4ust one more 8uestion before / call 7aterman and 5ec@ /f you ga%e an order that Snuffer
$asn0t to be touched, and your orders are al$ays follo$ed, then $hy $ould he be in danger of
e,communication from his local leadership if they ha%en0t e%en e%er read his boos- 7hy $ould it be
necessary to implement all of these so6called ;trainings< and pro%ide this so6called ;technical
support<-
And (ELS)( has no ans$er"
(othing"
1e sits there, and for the first time, seems to be lost"
(ELS)(
&en%er Snuffer $as a sub6standard church member" 1e $as being e,communicated because 66
KAFFEE
>ut that0s not $hat you said" You said he $as being e,0d because his local leaders decided to pursue it
on their o$n"
(ELS)(
(pause*
Yes" 3hat0s correct, but 66
KAFFEE
You said, =1e $as in apostasy=" / said, =Ara%e apostasy=" You said 66
(ELS)(
Yes, / recall $hat 66
KAFFEE
/ can ha%e the E,ecuti%e Secretary read bac your 66
(ELS)(
/ no$ $hat / said" / don0t need it read bac to me lie /0m in primary 66
KAFFEE
3hen $hy the t$o stories-
(beat*
Elder-
(beat*
7hy did you 66
(ELS)(
Sometimes >ishops and Stae 5residents tae matters into their o$n hands"
KAFFEE
(o sir" You made it clear 4ust a moment ago that local leaders ne%er tae matters into their o$n hands"
Local leaders obey authority or souls are damned" So Snuffer shouldn0t ha%e been in any danger of
e,communication at all, should he ha%e, Elder-
E%eryone0s s$eating no$" E%eryone but KAFFEE"
(ELS)(
You little apostate"
CLAY3)(
Your 1onor, / ha%e to as for a recess to 66
KAFFEE
/0d lie an ans$er to the 8uestion, 9udge"
'A(&)L51
3he Court0ll $ait for ans$er"
KAFFEE
/f Salt Lae said nothing to local leaders about Snuffer0s boo, then $hy did he ha%e to be disciplined-
(elson is looing at 7A3E'MA( and 5ECK"
KAFFEE
(continuing*
Elder-
(ELS)( says nothing"
KAFFEE
(continuing*
3he Stae 5resident ordered the court, didn0t he- >ecause that0s $hat you told him to do"
CLAY3)(
)b4ect:
'A(&)L51
Counsel"
KAFFEE $ill plo$ through the ob4ections of CLAY3)( and the admonishments of 'A(&)L51"
KAFFEE
And $hen it $ent bad, you cut these guys loose"
CLAY3)(
Your 1onor 66
'A(&)L51
3hat0ll be all, counsel"
KAFFEE
You had employees staling Mr" Snuffer 66
CLAY3)(
9udge 66
KAFFEE
You anonymously misrepresented his boos"
CLAY3)(
&adgummit Kaffee::
KAFFEE
/0ll as for the forth time" You ordered 66
(ELS)(
You $ant ans$ers-
KAFFEE
/ thin /0m entitled to them"
(ELS)(
You $ant ans$ers-:
KAFFEE
/ $ant the truth"
(ELS)(
You can0t handle the truth:
And nobody mo%es"
(ELS)(
(continuing*
Son, $e li%e in a $orld that has apostates" And those apostates ha%e to be e,communicated" 7ho0s
gonna do it- You- You, >ishop- / ha%e a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom" You $eep
for Snuffer and you curse the 5harisees on the Strengthening the Members Committee" You ha%e that
lu,ury" You ha%e the lu,ury of not no$ing $hat / no$@ 3hat Snuffer0s e,communication, $hile
tragic, probably sa%ed souls" And my e,istence, $hile grotes8ue and incomprehensible to you, sa%es
souls"
(beat*
You don0t $ant the truth" >ecause deep do$n, in places you don0t tal about at $ard parties, you $ant
me on that committee" You need me on that committee"
(boasting*
7e use $ords lie prophet, seer, re%elator""" $e use these $ords as the bacbone to a life spent
managing something" You use 0em as a spiritual reality"
(beat*
/ ha%e neither the time nor the inclination to e,plain myself to a man $ho rises and sleeps under the
blanet of the %ery corporation / manage, then 8uestions the manner in $hich / manage it" /0d prefer
you 4ust said than you and $ent on your $ay" )ther$ise, / suggest you pic up a church handboo of
instructions and stand at post" Either $ay, / don0t gi%e a flip $hat you thin church authorities should
and shouldn0t do"
KAFFEE
(8uietly*
&id you order the disciplinary council-
(ELS)(
(beat*
/ did the 4ob you sent me to do"
KAFFEE
&id you order the disciplinary council-
(ELS)(
(pause*
You0re dadgum right / did"
Silence" From e%eryone" 'A(&)L51, CLAY3)(, the M"5"0s, they0re all fro2en"
KELLY and &E1L/( are lie$ise" (ELS)( seems strangely, 8uietly relie%ed"
KAFFEE simply taes control of the room no$"
KAFFEE
5lease the court, / suggest the high council be dismissed so that $e can mo%e to an immediate press
release" 3he $itness has 5' representati%es"
Silence"
'A(&)L51 loos to CLAY3)("
'A(&)L51
Elder Clayton-
CLAY3)( is fro2en" 1e doesn0t no$ $hat to do"
KAFFEE
(as a friend*
7hitney"
CLAY3)( loos at KAFFEE, then (ELS)(, then nods his head =yes= to 'A(&)L51"
'A(&)L51
3he Sergeant at Arms $ill tae the high council to an ante6room $here you0ll $ait until further
instruction"
3he SE'AEA(3 A3 A'MS begins leading the 1/A1 C)+(C/L out of the room"
(ELS)(
7hat the hell0s going on-
(o one $ill say anything until the high council is out of the room"
(ELS)(
(continuing? to Stae 5resident*
5resident, $hat the hell0s going on- / did my 4ob" /0d do it again" (o$ /0m getting on a plane and going
bac to my office building"
'A(&)L51
M"5"0s, guard the prisoner"
3he M"5"0s are tentati%e" 3hey0%e ne%er heard an apostle referred to as =the prisoner= before"
3hey sure as hec ha%e ne%er been ased to guard one"
CLAY3)(
Auard the prisoner"
(ELS)(
7hat the hec 66
CLAY3)(
Elder (elson, you ha%e the right to remain silent" Any statement you do mae can be used against you
in a press release or other media outlet" You ha%e the right"""
CLAY3)( continues reading (ELS)( his rights, o%er 66
(ELS)(
/0m being charged $ith a crime- /0m 66 that0s $hat this is B
(to Clayton*
Elder:
(Clayton eeps going*
Elder::
(Clayton is doing his 4ob"*
/0m being charged $ith a crime- /0m 66 that0s $hat0s happening- 3his 66 /0m 66this is funny, you no$
that, this is 66
And (ELS)( lunges at KAFFEE, and KAFFEE $ould be dead but for the three
M"5"0s $ho0%e leaped in to restrain (ELS)(" &E1L/( and KELLY ha%e come
to their feet and stand behind KAFFEE"
(ELS)(
(continuing? to Kaffee*
/0m gonna tear your temple recommend right outta your $allet and cancel all of your ordinances" You
messed $ith the $rong apostle"
CLAY3)( is done reading (ELS)( his rights"
CLAY3)(
Elder (elson, do you understand those rights as / ha%e 4ust read them to you-
(ELS)(
/ sa%ed souls" 3hat man $as 66 there $as a $ea lin" / sa%ed souls, you hear me-
3he courtroom is silent from (elson0s outburst" (elson shaes his head"
(ELS)(
(continuing*
You friggin0 people"
(beat*
You ha%e no idea ho$ to manage a corporation"
(continuing? to KAFFEE*
All you did $as $eaen a church today, Kaffee" 3hat0s all you did" You put souls in danger" S$eet
dreams, son"
KAFFEE
&on0t call me son"
(beat*
/0m a la$yer, and an officer of the +nited States (a%y" And you0re a middle manager in a corporate
nightmare"
KAFFEE stays on (ELS)( a moment longer, then remembers 66
KAFFEE
(continuing*
3he $itness is e,cused"