Akpos Goes Into A

Chemist, Reaches Into His

Pocket And Takes Out A
Small Bottle And a
Teaspoon. He Pours Some
Liquid Into The Teaspoon
And Offers It To The
Chemists Assistant.
"Could You Taste This,
Please? The Chemists
Assistant Takes The
Teaspoon, Puts It In His
Mouth, Swirls The Liquid
Around and Swallows It.
Does It Taste Sweet? Asked
Akpos. No, Not at All Says
The Chemists
Assistant."Good ," Says
Akpos. The Doctor Told Me
To Come Here And Get My
Urine Tested For Sugar.
How many like for Akpos :)
Lady: Do you smoke?
Apkors: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Apkors: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
apkors: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been
smoking?
Apkors: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you
have 3
packs a day which puts your
spending each
month at $900. In one year, it would
be
$10,800 correct?
Apkors: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800
not
accounting for inflation, the past 15
years
puts your spending at $162,000
correct?
Apkors: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't
smoked,that money could have been
put in a
step-up interest savings account and
after
accountingfor compound interest for
the
past15 years, you could have now
bought a
Ferrari?
Apkors: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Apkors: Where's your Ferrari
then!!! ?
Akpors is a house boy who drinks
his Boss's wine then adds water. His Boss
became suspicious and
decided to change the brand of
his wine, as usual Akpors drank
from the wine and topped
it with water and immediately
the wine became milky and he knew
he was introuble. When his Boss came
back
and
saw the changed wine, he knew
he
had nailed ...Akpors. Akpors knowing
he
was
in trouble decided 2 stayin the
kitchen. The Boss having told his wife
what he
observed now swung into
action. "Akpors!" he called from the
sitting
room. He answered: "Yes Boss".
"Who
drank my wine? Akpors didn't
answer. The
Boss
asked again, still no answer. Then
His
Boss went to the kitchen to
meet
him
there: "Are you insane or what? Why
when I called, you said" yes
boss"
but wen I asked you a question
you don't
answer me? " Akpors replied,"hmmmmm m
oga when you are in the kitchen
you
don't understand anything at all
except
your name" "Is that so?"asked his
boss,"Okay, go to the bar stand
beside
Madam, while I go into the
kitchen
then, you ask me a question" Akpors
accepted. When his boss was in the
kitchen
he shouts: "Boss". "Yes,Akpors"
Boss
answers. Akpors then asks,"Who
goes into Aunty Yetunde's bedroom
when
Madam is not at home?" No
answer. Akpors shouted again:"Boss, I say
who
dey sneak into Aunty
Yetundes
room when madam no dey
house?" No answer. The Boss runs back from
the
kitchen
shouting " Wonders shall never
end
ooooooooooooooo ! Akpors, It's
true ooooo, when one is in the
kitchen, he doesn't hear
anything
except one's
name." The wife now very
angry interrupted, "that's not true. It's
a
lie!" Akpors asked if she'll enter the
magic
kitchen and be tested and she
agreed. Akpors asks madam,"Who's
junior's biological father? Me or
My Boss?
"Madam rushed out of the
kitchen."This
kitchen needs to be fumigated oooooooooooo! I
can't
understand anything at all
Akpors is just too smart.
Akpors was deported from abroad.
When his friends asked him why he returned home so soon? he replied:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
IS AKPORS WISER THAN THE DEVIL?
Three Men, A Philosopher, A Mathematician And Akpors, Were Out Riding In The Car
When It Crashed Into A Tree.
Before Anyone Knows It, The Three Men Found Themselves Standing Before The Pearl
y Gates Of Heaven, Where St. Peter And The Devil Were Standing Nearby.
Gentlemen, The Devil Started, Due To The Fact That Heaven Is Now Overcrowded, There
fore St. Peter Has
Agreed To Limit The
Number Of People Entering Heaven.
If Anyone Of You Can Ask Me A Question Which I Dont Know Or Cannot Answer, Then Y
oure Worthy Enough To GoTo Heaven; If Not, Then Youll Come With Me To Hell.
The Philosopher Then Stepped Up, OK, Give Me The Most comprehensive Report On Soc
rates Teachings.
With A Snap Of His Finger, A Stack Of Paper Appeared Next To The Devil.
The Philosopher Read It And Concluded It Was Correct.
Then, Go To Hell!
With Another Snap Of His Finger, The Philosopher Disappeared.
The Mathematician Then Asked, Give Me The Most Complicated Formula You Can Ever T
hink Of!
With A Snap Of His Finger, Another
Stack Of Paper Appeared Next To The Devil.
The Mathematician Read It And
Reluctantly Agreed It Was Correct.
Then, Go To Hell!
With Another Snap Of His Finger, The Mathematician Disappeared, Too.
Akpors Then Stepped Forward And Said,
Bring Me A Chair!
The Devil Brought Forward A Chair.
Drill 7 Holes On The Seat, Said Akpors.
The Devil Did Just That.
Akpors Then Sat On The Chair And Let Out A Very Loud Fart.
Standing Up, He Asked:
Which Hole Did My Fart Come Out From?
The Devil Inspected The Seat And
Said:
The Third H0le From The Right.
Wrong, Said Akpors.
Its From My Assh0le.
....Akpors Went To Heaven.
GOOD MORNING.
AKPORS IN THE SUNDAY SCHOOL
Teacher :- who wants to go to heaven?
(all d student raise up their hand except Akpors)
Teacher :- Akpors, why are u not raising up ur
hand, don't u want to go to heaven
Akpors:- my mother told me to come home straight after church.
Omo, police don upgrade oOh, dis na d call center numba 112...
There was a robbery in my neighbour's house and I called them... next thing I he
ard was .
Welcome to Nigeria Police Emergency Center.. for English press. 1, for Igbo pres
s 2, for Yoruba press 3.
Then I pressed 1... then another voice came up....For car accident press 1, for
armed robbery press 2, for boko haram please hang up....
Den I
pressed 2, anoda voice came up....
If they're with knives press 1, pistols press 2, AK 47 press 3, machine guns pre
ss 4, bomb press 5, all of the above press 6...
Then i checked and saw they were with all of them then I pressed 6... anoda voic
e came up sayin....
Hmmmm...! My brother, if ur brother dey police u go gree make im come?
3 men rush their wives to the hospital for delivery, shortly a nurse came out an
d asked,who is Tunde that works with 3crown ?
''congrats your wife gave birth to 3 bouncing babies boys, She came & asked agai
n ''who is Musa that works wit 7up? ''congrats, your wife gave birth to 7 beauti
ful babies.
Immediately, the 3rd man named Akpors ran away because he works with 33 lager be
er.
SUNDAY MORNING.
Akpors took his son to a church. At church, the pastor made an announcement if y
ou know that you're an orphan in this church stand-up'.
A guy who was sitted next to Akpors' son, told him dat they always give orphans
250 thousand naira in the church,when the son of Akpors heared dis he quickly st
ood up, so when Akpors saw his son standing, he shouted at him am your father si
t down'..as Akpors and his son were arguing, an usher brought 250 thousand naira
and landed on his son's palm, then the pastor repeated the announcement again d
o we have any other orphans in dis church?..
Akpors himself stood up!!
AKPORS GET EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING
Akpors decided to follow his friend Osas on a hunting trip deep in the forest of
Okomu reserve in Iguobazuwa.
Akpors has never gone hunting while Osas has hunted all his life.
When they got to the middle of the forest, Osas told Akpors to sit by a tree and
not make a sound while he checks out an antelope trail.
After he got about a quarter of a mile away, Osas
heard a blood-curling scream which scared away nearby antelope.
He rushed back to Akpors and yelled;
"I think I tell you say make you quiet?"
Akpors replied:
"Shuo, I try o, I really try. When green snake waka pass my leg I nor shake body
or make peem sound. When gorilla come dey breath hot and smelly smelly air for
my face, I nor shake body or make shekele sound. But when two squirrel waka ente
r my trouser leg, one come tell the other one say, 'Chei, see as this two palm k
ernels big like coconut, we nor go fit chop dem finish for here, so make we pluc
k and carry dem go house', guy i no fit hold am.. naim I come start to halla."
Osas almost died laughing.
Have a nice day ahead!!!
TEACHER: If you have 10 doughnuts and someone forcibly takes two (2) of the Doug
hnuts away from you.
What do you have left?
AKPORS: 10 Doughnuts and One (1) dead body.
Like and Share, thanks
TEACHER: Why didnt you study?
AKPORS: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, ther
e are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to
work so there are only 263 days left.
We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days sonow
we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are
gone, so we are left
with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are
used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend
1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and
we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up atleast 35 days in your year;
hence you areonly left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holiday
s, you are only left with 6 days.Say you are sick for a
minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you o
nly go out for2 days... You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday.
That's why I did not study
LOL
Have fun peeps!!!
Pastor: (Talking to Akpors)
Tomorrow, thou shalt fast.
No food!
No water!!
*The next day, Pastor was shocked to see Akpors eating, so he asked*
Pastor: Akpors! But I told you yesterday that "Thou shalt fast today. No food, N
o water".
Akpors: Yes, you said it, but my name isn't 'Thou'.
My name is Akpors.
Happy Sunday!!!
AN ANGRY WIFE (EKAITE) TO HER HUSBAND (AKPORS) ON PHONE.
Ekaite: Where the hell are you? ...
Akpors: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace &
totally fell in love with it?
Ekaite (relaxed): Yes, my king
Akpors: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day & I said I will buy it
for you one day?
Ekaite (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a beer palour next to that shop!
Ekaite: thunder fire you, mad man.
Share with Friends and Like.
GoodNight and SweetDreams!!!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me the opposite of Good.
AKPORS: Bad.
INTERVIEWER: Come.
AKPORS: Go
INTERVIEWER: Ugly
GUY: Fine
INTERVIEWER: You are wrong!
AKPORS: U're right!
INTERVIEWER: Shut up!
AKPORS: Keep talking!
INTERVIEWER: Ok now stop all that.
AKPORS: Ok now carry on all that.
INTERVIEWER: Get out!
AKPORS: Come in!
INTERVIEWER: Oh my God.
AKPORS: Oh my Devil.
INTERVIEWER: You are Rejected.
AKPORS: I'm selected...
Akpors was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his
life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, d town's most
notorious thug smacks Akpors in the face andsays
"Thats KUNG FU, made in Japan". A while later,
Ironman the thug smacks Akpors again and says
"That's KARATE, made in Korea",then sat at d bar and started drinking.
Akpors got up and leaves the bar. A short time later
he comes back and smacks Ironma
n d
thug, knocking him out cold and he said to the
barman "When that IMBECILE wakes up, tell him
that was a SHOVEL made in ABA....
AKPORS BOARDS A WARRI - ABUJA PLANE.
He walks straight to the business class section and sits there, although he was
holding an economy class ticket.
A Flight Attendant Approached him.
Flight Attendant: "Sir, this is a business class section and you have an economy
class ticket so you shouldn't be here. Kindly get up so I can lead you to your
seat in the economy class section"
Akpors: Na li
e! I like dis side! People no too plenty hia!! Na by force to move?? Abeg limme
jare!!!
All attempts by the Flight attendant to move Akpors didn't work out.
Finally, after some time, she whispers something into Akpors ear and convinced w
ith what he's been told, Akpors gets up and moves.
Another passenger who overheard the conversation later asked the attendant, "How
did you get him to move? What did you tell him?"
To which she replies with a smile,
"I told him that those in the business class section are not going to Abuja."
Akpors returns a missing purse to the owner in a market.
The lady was so grateful but when she looked inside,
she got confused and said,
"but I had a single one thousand naira note, now there
are ten pieces of hundred naira note, how come?
Akpors: "na me change am, the last time wey I help person
find purse, she say she for give me something but
change no dey."
If I hear say you no thank God, ehn! Me Akpors, go vex for you ooo.
315 days out of 356 na beans?
Boko Haram reach your side?
Dem bomb your house, school, work or church?
You dey for Dana Crash?
Aluu community people catch you?
Answer me naaa *...*
God give you good health
God no allow all dose witches and wizards for your village get power over you, n
o be so?
Naija no good, Naija no good:
you dey use blackberry
If at all you never get money buy Blackberry Porsche, abi you don see where pers
on wey dey for "coma" dey ping?
Abi you don see deaf man dey make call?
Or you don see amputated man wey dey login for Facebook or wey dey Tweet?
Shey u don see lame man wey dey wear the latest toms shoe?
I doubt!
U don see paralysed man wey de do azonto or garalla?
Abi na blind man wan change DP?
Abi you see where dead body dey ping for coffin?
You dey smile as you dey answer 'NO'?
You better Start thanking God!
And thank HIM with a grateful heart.
If you are really grateful. Say a very BIG thank you to God.
And don't be shy to say:
GOD, I WILL SERVE YOU FOREVER.
Humor!
TEACHER: can U see God?
AKPORS : No
TEACHER: Then there is no God
AKPORS: Sir can U see ur brain?
TEACHER: No..
AKPORS: So u have no Brain.
Akpors sent a text to his wife last night,
"Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return. I LOVE YOU!!!"
The wife did not send any text in response.
After FIFTY (50) MINUTES,
Akpors sent another text,
"Darling, I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary. At the end o
f the month I'm gett
ing you a new car"
She text back immediately,......;
"Omg really?"
Akpos replied,
"No I just wanted to be sure you got my first message."...
CONVERSATION BETWEEN AKPORS AND HIS LOVER.
Akpors : Baby any time I see you, I can't
sleep, I can't eat , I can't do any other
thing ......etc
Lover : [flattered] why baby , because you are in love with me ?
Akpors : Love? NO oo ..!!!
.
.
.
Its because you have emptied my pocket.
IN CHURCH.
Pastor: Do something crazy for the lord.
Ekaite carried one of the church chair up and ran round the church.
Pastor: Is that what you can do for the lord? I said do something crazy for the
lord.
Akpors carried the offering basket and ran away.
Pastor shouted: Akpors, STOP! That is madness.
ENGLISH CLASS
Teacher: What is a Verb?
Akpors: A Verb is a valve found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you saying?
Akpors: It is a complete sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpors: It is a question sir.
Teacher: Don't be stupid.
Akpors: It is an advice sir.
Teacher: Stop that nonsense.
Akpors: It is a command sir.
Teacher: You're an idiot.
Akpors: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my class.
Akpors: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness, What a boy!
Akpors: It is an exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have mercy on you.
Akpors: It is a prayer sir.
Teacher: You need to see a doctor.
Akpors: It is a suggestion sir.
Teacher: I rest my case.
Akpors: It is your choice sir
Hon Patrick Obayaigbon drives into a petrol station in his sleek, state of the a
rt rangerover sports:
Patrick : Guy, give me full tank (in Benin Lang.)
Akpors : I only speak English, sir.
Patrick : Ok brother, good morning. I currently feel a profound desire to replen
ish the propellant of my motorized automobile. Therefore I cordially request you
to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combu
stible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of
the said means of perambulation to the brim.
Akpors fainted!!!
American Bee!
Teacher:- Akpors, What do you call a Bee that lives in America?
Akpors:- Sir, they are called USB!
AKPORS THE CHURCH INTERPRETER
Pastor: As it is written in the bible
Akpors: As dem yan 4 bible
Pastor: Jesus entered the boat with this disciples!
Akpors: Bros J cum enta canoe with im padi dem!
Pastor : As the boat was sailing,there was a great storm!
Akpors: As the canoe dey move na im yawa cum gas!
Pastor: The storm was so great with it was like a whirlwind!
Akpors: As the yawa dey gas na im kasala bust join!
Pastor: The disciple became so afraid and they shouted Master! Master!
Akpors: Na im live fail 4 im padi dem, na im dem begin dey hala Bros eh! Bros eh
!.
Pastor: Jesus got up and calmed down the wind!
Akpors: Na so bros J get up kon arrange the mata!
Pastor:. He turned to his disciples and said oh ye with little faith!
Akpors: Na im bros J luk im padi dem shake im head kon provoke O BOI! Una fall ma
hand oo!
Pastor: The disciples replied and said what MANNER of man is this?
Akpors:. Im padi dem kon hala. SHOO bros J which level nan! U BE WINSH
You guys should hail Akpors ooo, abi im no try?