A METEOROLOGIST WORKS OUT SOME PERSONAL ISSUES DURING HIS FORECAST12

BY PETE REYNOLDS
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A quick glance at the Channel 3 Weather Map shows widespread temperatures well i
nto the mid-90s, with the heat index likely to tip over into triple digits in se
veral spots throughout the region. Expect the humidity to creep up even a little
higher than yesterday, with dew points in the middle to upper 70s, making it ve
ry, very sticky out there. If you must go outside, please remember: wear sunscre
en and keep hydrated. You also may want to just plan on stuffing a bag of frozen
peas in your butt crackit's going to be terrible, folks.
Mostly sunny skies in the forecast, with a few low clouds coming in from the wes
t. Only a very slight chance of showers late this evening, so don't get your hopes
up that some of this humidity will dissipate any time soon. No real wind to spe
ak of, either. Just a muggy, miserable day. Not sure how many ways there are to
say it: it's going to be really, really, very hot and humid out there. Enough to m
ake you hate yourself for all the things you were too afraid to say to Karen.
Are you going to want to die because of how hot it is outside? Yes, you will wan
t to die. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. If you want someone to sugarcoat
it for you, somebody to tuck you in at night and tell you that there's a cold fron
t on the way, that the sun-sweetened summer days of your youth haven't been transf
ormed by global warming and a lifetime of crippling mistakes into a pit-stained
heat-hole of suffocating regret, then maybe you should just switch right on over
to Kevin O'Dell and the Channel 6 Weather Squad, because you won't find it here. I'm
not Kevin O'Dell, folks. I'm Tom Sykes, and I'm just giving you the straight dope here
at Channel 3. I tell it like it is. And what it is, folks, is extremely hot out
side.
God is dead.
Checking back through the Channel 3 Weather Almanac, it looks like there's a decen
t chance we could be in for record high temperatures today. The current mark is
a toasty 98 degrees, set on this date back in 2005, which also happens to be the
last time Karen said that she loved me.
Looking ahead at the four-day forecast, tomorrow's temperatures could dip down int
o the low-90s, which will still make stepping outside feel like choking on a hot
fart, and in any event, it won't be nearly enough to prevent time's dark, bleak tru
th from reminding you that your best days are long gone. After that we move righ
t into swampy on Wednesday, oppressively swampy on Thursday, and a circus-freak's-crotc
h-after-three-days-at-Burning-Man swampy on Friday. How does that sound, folks? I'l
l tell you: it sounds awful. Look, if you want me to tell you that there will be
a pleasant breeze, or that last night's showers cleared out some of the mugginess
, well, I'm not going to say those things, because those things are lies. Unlike K
even O'Dell and the Channel 6 Weather Squad, and Karen when she says the word forev
er, I'm not in the business of lying, or of telling you that it's not going to be ver
y, very uncomfortable to be outside. It is. It's going to feel like you're wearing a
sweatshirt made out of Alfredo sauce. You're going to hate it.
Probably there will be mosquitoes, too.
Some relief from the heat and humidity is on the way, though, is something I'd love
to be able to say to you now. But I can't. I can't because it's very, very hot outside
, and it's not going to get any cooler for many, many weeks. This heat isn't going a
way, and neither is the pain of hearing your daughter call another man Dad, especi
ally when that man is Kevin O'Dell from the Channel 6 Weather Squad.
Be sure to check back with us for more updates on this dreary hellscape of a day
, during which you will consider ripping the very flesh from your bones just for
the ventilation it brings.
Back to you, Karen.