Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................................................. 3
CHAPTER 1: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END? ...................................................................................................... 5
CHAPTER 2: DONT ACT DESPERATE! ......................................................................................................... 13
CHAPTER 3: REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU....................................................................................... 30
CHAPTER 4: RELIGHTING THE FLAME ........................................................................................................ 43
CHAPTER 5: HOW DATING MAKES YOU DESIRABLE .................................................................................. 59
CHAPTER 6: EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP .............................................................................. 72
CHAPTER 7: RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE .............................................................................................. 94
CHAPTER 8: WHEN IT CANT BE SAVED .................................................................................................... 103
INTRODUCTION
If you are reading this book right now then you have probably just broken up with
somebody. It is also likely that you are in enough emotional pain that you feel you
need some kind of help to assist you in dealing with your emotions.
You may miss your ex so much that how and why it ended may not even matter
anymore all you know is that you want him or her back. Maybe you are at fault,
or maybe your partner is all you know is that you cant think of anything else
except for how you are going to repair all of this and reunite with your ex.
In this book we are going to help you to get back together with your ex. First, we
will use a little theory to explain why you do want to get back together, and then
analyzing why the two of you may have split up in the first place. Sometimes,
these reasons are not that obvious to you they are hidden. It is crucial that you
understand these reasons because they are causes of permanent break ups.
Next you are going to learn how to manage your feelings, and in essence learn
how to get over whatever is separating you two. You need to learn how to
deal with your feelings. This is also essential because you cannot get someone
back when you are being depressed, angry, or extremely needy.
Your plan of action should be to read this guide on getting back together with
your ex, and then you must follow the plan! Nothing will happen if you do not
follow the plan!
The best case scenario is that you start implementing these methods either
before the breakup happens (such as right after a major fight) or immediately
after your lover walks out on you.
Basically, the more time that passes before you utilize these strategies, the longer
it will take to see results, so you need get started as quickly as possible.
So to sum up how you will use this book, you will need to follow these four basic
steps to getting back with your ex
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If youre starting to stress out because of your break up, it is totally normal. Its
perfectly typical to have anticipation anxiety throughout the process of breaking
up and then attempting to reunite with your lover.
Yes it is rough and painful. The most painful part is the thirty day wait before you
can contact your ex again (which we will explain at a further time). However after
finishing this book, you will be able to see this type of situation coming long
before it occurs. You wont be stuck in this type of miserable scenario ever again.
Cant get your ex off of your mind? Dont continue to lose sleep over what
happened or contemplate the mess your relationship has become twenty four
hours a day. Instead be proactive, and follow the steps laid out in this book and
you will be reunited with your ex in a month or so from today.
The only two questions you have to ask yourself are, Am I ready to get my ex
back? and, Can I follow simple directions? Its up to you to decide if youre
ready for success. Is it a yes?
CHAPTER 1:
WHY DID IT HAVE TO END?
Whenever we break up with someone we find ourselves asking the question,
Why did it have to end? The universe is a cold place, however, when you look
at everything objectively, the answer back to that question would be why
not?
The point is you are not entitled to a relationship. Lovers say goodbye all the
time. Nevertheless breakups are a major decision. When you are the one doing
the dumping you are usually spared a lot of emotional torture. You can go on your
merry way unscathed while the dumped person wrings their eyes.
However things can be difficult for the person doing the dumping as well. This is
especially true for women who are usually extremely loyal creatures and find the
experience of dumping a boyfriend as hard as putting down the family pet.
This is why many women often dont break up with men until they are seeing
someone else. Fear of being alone and in a transition period is also why many
people cheat.
However no matter what the situation, there are commonalities in all break ups
that seem to be universal your situation is never that unique, and somebody in
history has been in your situation for sure. That is little comfort, but we have
learned from these situations, and learned how to handle them so that you can
get your lover back.
So why do relationships end? Well, usually it is a case of mistrust. Even if we are
told something, we do not believe it. Lovers make us suspicious. Our innate sense
of jealousy makes us believe that there is more to the story, or that our partner is
lying about the situation. No matter what it is, its human nature to feel this way.
Often lovers just leave. They say its not working out and they just go. It is up to
us to sort out the mystery of why this could possibly happen. Its easy. They walk
out because they cannot handle you or the situation.
If your lover has left you and given you some lame excuse like, Its just not
working out, you have to de-code that secret-speech and figure out what went
wrong on your own so you can fix it. This is key to eventually getting that reunion
that you crave.
Sometimes a lover cheats, and whoever is hurt might just decide to say goodbye.
In this case it might be time to consider that there were problems in the
relationship before the cheating took place. Cheating is not a spontaneous
betrayal it is usually a long time coming.
Men and women leave relationships for different reasons. Here is a look at the
some of the reasons why both sexes might leave
You need to keep the romance alive and be as touchy feely as the day that you
first met. You need to bat your eyelashes and be sexy. Men dont leave because
they found someone more attractive or thinner. They leave because they need to
feel respected, admired, and wanted.
They will also leave if they feel criticized or nagged. A male is driven out of the
relationship if he feels he is not good enough for the woman.
Of course this does not mean that you cant ever express your feelings, and that
you must always be tiptoeing around your relationship. It just means that you
have to compliment him three times for every artful suggestion you make as to
how he should improve his life.
describes how the man that she is with does not appreciate her. Guess who is the
man who does appreciate her? Before you know it, the Casanova has stolen her
from your arms by showering her with the attention that you could not give her.
Cheating
A woman will cheat if she feels ignored and a man will cheat if he feels nagged or
criticized.
When the woman cheats on a man, the worst thing she can do is try and blame it
on the man by claiming that she was lonely or that she needed someone to talk
to. You might as well tell him that you do not admire him anymore. Remember
that the male has to feel like the knight in shining armor or your reunion is not
going to work.
When a man cheats on a woman, her feelings of betrayal are over consumed by
the feeling of being unappreciated. Women need to feel that you need them.
Many women have stayed with men who have cheated as they feel they do not
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want to give up. Make her feel needed and appreciated to have any hope in
getting her back.
Trust
A lack of trust may also affect your relationship. Fights usually occur because one
partner breached the faith of the other. An example would be Tom having an
affair on Sarah. There is a confrontation and the fight ensues.
If one partner actually says to the other that they cant trust you anymore, then
you are going to blow it. The relationship will end for good. There is no greater
expression of a lack of appreciation than being told that they are dishonorable
enough not to be trusted.
In fact, if these words have been spoken, it may be hard to get your ex back, but
not impossible. The partner feels that he or she can never feel special and loved
EVER again because; the other may make the same mistake again by having a
second affair. So what is the point in fighting to save the relationship?
The key to getting back your ex is to rebuild that trust again. Or at least make him
or her believe that the resurrection of trust between you is certain and possible.
can learn to have much more power in your relationships by changing the ways
you respond to the world around you.
Learning to have control over yourself is not as easy as it sounds. This is why so
many people have difficulty sticking to a diet. Working on yourself is the fastest
way to heal your relationship.
You need to look at this like a chess match. You need to step up and play right
now. There is no second prize in this type of game just loneliness for the rest of
your life.
If you do not want to play games then you may not be interested in reading the
rest of this book. It is all about how to manipulate your ex so he or she will come
back into your waiting arms. Isnt that the point?
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CHAPTER 2:
DONT ACT DESPERATE!
When we feel we have lost something that touches us emotionally, people tend
to panic. Panic is usually the first thing you feel when you and an ex officially
break up. This is normal because sex is a basic drive that you need physically and
psychologically, and your ex symbolizes the security of that notion.
The very first urge is usually to call him or her on the phone to win back your love.
Put that phone down. This can lead to overkill. You are in immediate self
sabotaging danger by calling your ex too much or sending a thousand text
messages to profess your undying feelings.
Your ability to avoid panic in these situations will depend on your ability to control
your thoughts and your mind. After being dumped, many people spend all their
time thinking about their ex and replaying the best times they spent together
over and over in their heads. It is a grief mechanism that denies the loss until your
psyche is better prepared to deal with the enormity of it.
Unfortunately, this constant focus on the positive aspects of their relationship will
quickly lead them into a profound condition of anxiety and depression. They only
contemplate what they have lost without looking at the reality of how they might
actually have benefited from this split.
Anytime someone is faced with the possibility of losing someone they care about,
they will typically exaggerate that persons positive qualities and downplay or
forget their negative qualities. This is because when an object is in short supply,
it is usually perceived as more valuable than if it were readily available.
When a lover walks out on you, sometimes without warning, it can come as the
biggest shock of your life. In an instant, your entire life feels like a big
catastrophe.
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A breakup can be worse than a loved one passing away. At least when someone
passes away and dies, there is an element of finality: whats done is done and
there is no way to reverse the situation. The conclusiveness of death gives you no
choice but to move towards acceptance that the person is gone and there is no
rescuing of the situation.
However when it comes to breakups, the ex is not dead, and as long as he or she
is alive there is still always a possibility that the two of you can get back together.
The very idea that a reunion is possible can consume the entire mind. Everything
in your life seems to suffer, your job, your recreational life, your friendships, and
most importantly your health.
You start to panic and all you can think about is how to get things back to the way
they were before. The desire to do this becomes like a primal compelling urge
that cannot be ignored.
To get their ex back, many people will try any number of things from apologizing
to outright demanding that the ex reconsider and come back right this minute.
When nothing seems to work and one is rejected again and again, desperation
can kick in. It is not long before crying, begging, screaming, and sometimes even
physical intimidation can enter the picture. Unfortunately, this strategy pushes
the ex farther away than ever before, leaving you in a tragic and lonely nightmare
of unreciprocated love that never seems to end.
The problem is that when you succumb to panic and obsessive behavior, you are
going to look desperate. When you are looking like you have to beg for the
relationship back, you are not looking attractive to your ex.
There are ways to calm down and suppress panicky feelings until you get hold of
yourself. You need to be calm so that you can come up with a rational strategy as
to how to get him or her back.
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The key is to get a hold of yourself, develop a strategy, and not panic.
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source of these free brain chemicals is gone and you can spiral down into feeling
quite blue.
The fact that it is so physical is why breaking up with your ex can feel so bad. You
are withdrawing from bodily feel good chemicals that can be very similar to
stopping an addiction cold turkey. This is why during a break up many people
actually exhibit physical withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, lack of appetite,
and depression.
Dont let anyone tell you that these physical symptoms are all in your head,
because they are not!
However, whether you are planning on getting back together with your ex or not,
you are still going to have to go through some kind of personal renovation before
you get your ex back. If not, your results with that person will be the same. If you
do not put your emotions through some kind of rehab, you will simply end up
repeating the patterns that broke you up in the first place.
You must also tell your own friends to completely avoid your ex and any phone
calls they may make. This is important because one of the first things they will
probably do, if they cant contact you directly, is attempt to contact your friends
in order to retrieve information.
You should have friends that care about you enough to trust your judgment and
respect your wishes. If your friends wont do this, you might have to question
their loyalty to you and get new friends.
In addition, your friends are not allowed to talk to her friends, either. You need to
eliminate all avenues of possible contact or the strategies outlined for getting
back together with your ex in this book will not be as effective.
You may think winning back your true love as fast as possible shows that you care,
but more often, your urgency causes your ex to feel even angrier with you. When
your emotions are raw and the breakup is fresh you are more likely to
Say things for dramatic effect and to get a reaction rather than state the
truth
Say things to push his or her buttons to get attention or passion
Let things decay into a power struggle
Try to make your ex feel jealous by talking about real or imagined lovers
Use unkind words to make him or her suffer
Stalk him or her physically or on the internet
Harass your ex with phone calls
Rehash ancient arguments that go around in circles
Interrogate him or her about how time is spent without you
Using taunting language
Try to one up your partner and make him or her feel bad.
Try to seek revenge
Use sexual rejection to get even with your partner
Ask questions about the other person if there is infidelity (and get upset
about the answers that you get)
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These are not exactly attractive qualities in anyone and they do not exactly say I
love you or I want you back to your ex.
Allow yourself to have that cooling off period or you may succumb to these
behaviors on the above list.
Here is the immediate action that you can take. Look at your calendar and choose
a period of time that is about a month. Circle that date about a month from now.
This is the day that you can allow yourself to contact and talk to your ex.
It helps even more if you write down a mission statement on a piece of paper (or
on your calendar next to the slashes) and sign your name after it.
You can write something like: I refuse to be the one who contacts my ex for the
next thirty days or until I know for sure that its the right time, based on what I
have read in this book.
Reward yourself for each week that you manage to successfully avoid him or her.
Give yourself a treat. Buy yourself a pair of shoes or go golfing with the guys.
Keep yourself motivated to stay on the program of avoiding your ex at all costs.
If you do catch yourself about to call, email, I.M., drunk dial, or crash your car into
his or her house, stop yourself!
Wait until the date circled arrives or else your feelings will override the break you
need. The break will help you see how things truly fell apart and to reflect on how
to get him or her back.
This can be difficult because the first reaction you may have to the split is one of
overwhelming anxiety. Most people are fearful of distancing themselves after a
breakup because they feel like they are throwing away their last chance to repair
their situation. I assure you that this is not the case as long as you follow the steps
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outlined in this book, and stick to the thirty day pause in relations that is
recommended.
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Realize that if you see your ex too soon after a breakup, theres a good chance
that your true feelings will come out including your neediness, fear, and sadness.
This desperation will make you appear less attractive to him or her.
Another very important aspect of all of this is that if he or she doesnt see you, it
becomes very difficult for her to build a case against you. As you are absent, he
or she will look like a fool to complain about you.
Also, by avoiding her properly, you are giving yourself a chance to calm down and
deal with any emotional issues that may come up. As you become more relaxed
you will think more clearly and make better decisions.
You absolutely cannot spend time at places where you think you might run into
your ex. If the two of you always went to the same bar on Saturday nights, then
you must change your routine.
And its just as important to avoid running into your ex online. If you used to
communicate through an instant messenger service such as AIM or Yahoo take
her off your buddy list.
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21
People will be hurling advice at you everywhere you turn. Unfortunately, most of
this advice will be contradictory, and some of it will encourage you to contact the
ex which is the worst thing that you can do.
Once someone gets confused by bad advice about what to do during a breakup,
they will usually start to make random decisions about how to get their partner
back instead of sticking to a clear cut plan that they laid out from the start. If you
dont take time to act strategically with a cool head, you are creating a recipe for
disaster.
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The problem is that he or she has likely seen only great behavior from the new
lover so far and all he or she is remembering about you is all the fights you just
had when you were breaking up.
Distance will also prevent you from doing or saying things that might make the
situation worse simply because you feel jealous. You simply cannot afford to have
your exs mind associating you with any negative imagery or phrases that he or
she can run over again and again in their minds, so control yourself.
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rejection, loneliness and hurt, and your judgment is off. You need to cool off from
the emotions that always accompany any kind of romantic breakup.
Giving yourself time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you to accomplish
reconciliation in the end. Think of it as a reward and not a punishment.
First of all, he or she needs time to miss you. This is where that phrase Absence
makes the heart grow fonder comes from. They cant miss you if you wont leave
them alone. He or she might only just become annoyed or irritated. This is why
you must watch out for you initial impulse which is to keep in constant contact
with the ex.
The thing is that there may be a very specific reason why the relationship ended,
but during those first days when the wounds are fresh you may have a really hard
time trying to figure out what needs to change. You will be focusing too much on
your own feelings to be objective.
Another bonus is that you will appear mature and less insecure if you can manage
to keep your distance from him or her. This will create respect for you.
Giving each other distance accomplishes these three main things
1. Respect for you
2. You can think with your head instead of your emotions
3. Your ex will begin to miss you!
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If you are not spending time with your partner you need to occupy yourself by
doing something else. Here are some ideas for making that month when you are
not with your ex productive.
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Is there an area of your career youve been neglecting? Now is the perfect time to
put in a few extra hours at the office.
You do not have to become a workaholic but working on your career can
definitely help you feel better about yourself and raise your self esteem.
Behaviors to Avoid
It is easy to become depressed after a break up. It is very normal to feel blue or
fall into a fit of despair.
Here are some behaviors that can lead to or encourage depression. You definitely
need to avoid
While it might be tempting to hole up in your bed watching television all day, you
need to continue to live your life.
Make sure to wake up early, get lots of exercise and make it to work on time. Fill
your day with those things you enjoy.
The fact is that you are in control of your emotions and that you can practice a
coping method called the Fast Forward Technique for managing your emotions to
help you get over the pain of emotional loss.
You will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you perform this technique
at least three times a day.
STEP 1
Feel the emotion and notice how and where you feel it. For example many people
feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart (that is why it is called heart break).
Some people feel like they have been punched in the stomach.
Now just focus on what exactly you are feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud
the following
Can I allow this feeling?
Or
Can I welcome this feeling?
And then answer. It doesnt matter if the answer is a Yes or No.
STEP 2
Ask Could I let this feeling go?
Again, a Yes or No to yourself is fine.
STEP 3
Ask Can I give myself permission to let this feeling go?
STEP 4
Ask When?
STEP 5
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Examine the feeling again and try to decide if you feel some kind of shift. You may
feel calmer or more removed.
Most people feel soothed and comforted after this because they feel more in
control. They realize that they do not have to be caught full time in some kind of
drama.
You can use this technique to deal with all kinds of things which include, quitting
smoking, compulsive eating, writers block, grief, and recovering from arguments.
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CHAPTER 3:
REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU
In this chapter we are going to discuss removing the emotional issues and blocks
that might be separating the two of you from each other. These include the envy,
jealousy, and resentments that may be festering in your mind.
The fact is this your relationship is over for now. You can either choose to
reconcile or move on. Both choices are the right choices in life.
There is nothing wrong or shameful in moving on. You are not a loser. It happens
all the time. You may need to search more in this lifetime for someone who is
right for you.
However, if you are reading this book, you probably want to get back together
with your ex. If this is so then you need to pinpoint the issue or issues that are
separating you two and deal with them.
First of all, it helps to figure out what it was that you found appealing about the
person in the first place, and what was appealing about you to him or her. This
means reminiscing about the honeymoon phase of the relationship because
that is the kind of behavior you have to return to in order to get the person back.
9. _________________________
10._________________________
This is only a partial list of what can go wrong in a relationship and you can add to
this list if you need to in order to make sure that you have listed all the cons.
About Infidelity
When it comes to infidelity there might be a few things that you need to think
about.
First of all cheating does not happen overnight. You need to be accountable and
figure out if there was anything that you did to cause the problem. Was there a
reason that your partner was dissatisfied and chose to look elsewhere to meet his
or her sexual and emotional needs?
Were you too busy to have sex? Did you let yourself go? Were you critical of the
other persons appearance? Be honest and accurate in your assessment of what
went wrong.
Determine what role you had to play in driving him or her away and accept that it
might have been your fault. Dont beat yourself up about it. Instead resolve these
things to do better the second time around.
Infidelity is not always about some deficit in your ability to meet the partners
needs. Some people are out of control. The world is full of alcoholics, coke
addicts, sex addicts, obsessive compulsives and manic depressives. It is not
always your fault, but these disorders do mean that you will never be able to trust
the individual, ever, in your life.
In that event do you have enough unconditional love within you in order to
withstand actually continuing a relationship with a sick individual who may always
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be unfaithful because he or she cant help it? Is this type of uncertainty, shame
and neglect going to suit you for the rest of your life?
These are big questions that you need to ask yourself.
Over the next month while you reassess your relationship, you might want to take
a second look at this list to see if you still want to get back together with your ex,
or if you want to remove or add any things to help maintain a balance and
objective view of what really happened.
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For example, was the decision to break up a rash decision? You might have
decided to break up as the result of a specific problem. Maybe you havent really
tried to solve the entire problem.
If you were happy most of the time you were together it might be a good idea not
to throw it all away. All relationships have ups and downs.
Are your expectations realistic? Did you break up because you expected your
partner to be perfect? Dont throw away your relationship because he or she
could not live up to some ideal... If youre seeking perfection in your partner, you
may end up alone and bitter because we all have faults.
Do you and your ex generally want the same things? Is it possible that you can
accept some of his or her negative qualities in order to have the big picture of
what you want? Sometimes relationship success is about compromise.
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This kind of behavior change usually causes uneasiness and an eventual break up.
The point is that change is good but dont try to be somebody that you are not.
Sticking to a solid plan (like the one Ive laid out for you) will help ensure that your
ex returns with even more love and respect for you than before.
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Indifference means the person is just not there for you emotionally any more. The
passion is gone and it might be harder to get together.
If youve decided that your relationship is worth fighting for, then please continue
to read this book. In the following chapters, youll learn how to take care of
yourself, formulate a plan, open the lines of communication with your ex, and get
back together.
Once youve been able to achieve reconciliation, youll also learn some strategies
for protecting your relationship from further breakups.
Taking care of yourself is the first step to taking care of your relationship. Its also
the first step toward getting back into love.
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3. Bending over backwards to get your lover back. Being sweet as pie often
gets you eaten alive! If he or she takes you back you will have no power in
the relationship and be taken for granted.
4. Acting too needy. Showing neediness is one of the biggest killers of
attraction and must be avoided at all costs.
5. Losing your temper. Not being in control of your emotions, including your
anger, is another major mistake. If someone knows how to push your
buttons they also know how to manipulate you. To get your ex back you
must be in control of your emotional state and be the one who chooses
which emotions you display and at which times.
6. Refusing to date other people. Never underestimate the power of
jealousy. Your ex will feel more jealous of you if you are dating. The best
case scenario is if you keep it a secret and she finds out through other
sources. If you dont flaunt it, it makes you really powerful. The only time
you should bring up your exploits in conversation is if you are asked directly
by your ex.
7. Not having a detailed plan. Without a detailed plan for getting your ex
back other people and your emotions can cloud your judgment. A plan
helps you stay consistent with your original intent.
8. Not having a strategy to deal with emotional pain. When you are in pain
your self-esteem is low and you don to feel well. You make emotional
mistakes and risk presenting yourself to your ex in a light that is not quite
accurate.
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9. Allowing yourself to stay stuck. If you dont try to either move on or get
back with your ex you will be stagnate. You can end up obsessing over your
lost love for years. One of the most important things in life is to be decisive
and have a strong sense of purpose. Being stuck can be devastating
emotionally, financially and spiritually.
10. Isolating yourself. Failure to maintain a social network can keep you
waiting inside your house for weeks waiting for an ex to call. The whole
point of going out is to meet new or old friends and get your mind off of
him or her. When you do go out dont obsess about your ex to your friends
or they will eventually get tired of it and not ask you out.
11.Believing what your ex tells you about why you broke up. Your ex may
never tell you the real reason for breaking up with you. He or she does not
want to hurt you. Assume the worst reason you can think of.
12. Giving your ex ultimatums. Problems start when you begin to use
ultimatums to manipulate unwanted behavior. Ultimatums trap you, and in
the end they rarely ever work. In fact, you end up having to deal with
consequences that you were previously threatened with.
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CHAPTER 4:
RELIGHTING THE FLAME
After a break up it is your job to make yourself more desirable. This means
putting yourself first. Others are attracted to those who put themselves first and
who have high self-esteem.
You need to go back to the initial phases of attraction and romance to renew your
feelings of desirability and confidence. Think of who you are more attracted to
someone who puts their best face forward or someone who could not care less?
You dont have to look like Brad Pitt or Carmen Electra to attract a mate, but you
do have to put time and energy into taking care of your looks and health. It is not
about becoming perfect. It is about being the best you can be.
This is harder to do when you are feeling miserable because of a break up but
these few very simple steps can bring you back into a happy and health frame of
mind.
You need to understand how a breakup can easily cause your emotions to spiral
as your body becomes sapped by stomach-churning stress chemicals.
Simple normal things like eating, sleeping, thinking, and even speaking quickly
become second to seeing your ex when these stimulating chemicals are surging
through your system.
In essence, your body starts behaving like it is coming down off a drug (your
relationship) which creates the kind of massive withdrawal that a user of
morphine or heroin might experience.
This is why after a breakup you can look bad. You can look worse than you ever
have in your whole life. The changes in brain chemistry can make you feel very
depressed because you literally are in withdrawal from your ex!
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In order to attract your ex back you have to take these essential first steps
towards improving yourself. When you take care of you, a great vibe goes out
that nobody can see but everyone feels. It brings good people to you.
Even the subtlest change in appearance is crucial because it can help you break
your toxic patterns with your ex. It is symbolic of your personal transformation
and the desire not to be the person you used to be.
Your ex needs to see you in a different light and if you change your appearance
for the better then you do not remind them so much of the bad experiences of
the past. Studies show that people link bad feelings to the tangible features of
the other person and just seeing them can bring up toxic emotions like
resentment, jealousy and even hate.
If you want your ex to lose negative thoughts, you can change your appearance.
Try to look, smell, and speak differently. That way when you do contact your ex
again, you are not trapped in the same pattern where the ex associates you with
unpleasantness.
Not only does changing your appearance for the better help your ex forget the
past but the improvement in your appearance acts as a potent aphrodisiac. The
increased self confidences helps make you look and feel very attractive.
career, Maslow discovered that some biological needs take precedence over
others.
For instance, the human need for food, air and water happens to be more
important than the need for protection and security.
For example, if you were stuck in a desert with the hot sun blaring down on you,
chances are high that finding shade would be a major priority. However if you
spill your bottle of water than that will be higher on your to do list than seeking
out shade.
Maslow published the famous Hierarchy of Needs Theory, (Maslow, 1989)
which lays out five levels of human needs in order of importance. They are as
follows:
1. The physiological needs
These include the need for food, air, water, vitamins, as well as the need to be
active, to rest, to excrete waste, to avoid pain and to have sex.
(Notice that sex is right up at the top of this list! No wonder your ex seems so
important to you. No wonder some of us prefer to have sex rather than eat)
2. The safety and security needs
When the first set of needs is taken care of the second set becomes a priority.
This set consists of shelter, protection and safety. Things like a good retirement
plan and living in a safe neighborhood are in this category.
(This could also explain why so many women give up money and homes for an ex
material goods are second to the need for sex which is number one on Maslows
list.)
3. The love and belonging needs
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When the first two levels are mostly taken care of, you start to become aware of
the need to love and be loved, have a relationship, have children, have friends
and maybe even become part of a community.
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When things are going well, most of us will be unaware of feeling content until
the situation changes. It is like the temperature in a room. You are not
consciously aware of it until you are uncomfortable.
A similar thing happens after a breakup. Soon after your relationship is over, you
will start to notice a major difference in how you used to feel now that you have
been removed from your emotional comfort zone.
This can create a combined sense of panic, anxiety, sadness, and loss, all of which
is natures way to motivate you to fix your relationship or start a new one.
Now once these four lower level categories are mostly satisfied, you can reach
the final level that Maslow calls, self-actualization.
Anytime you feel a deficit in a survival needs category, your mind will tend to
focus most of its resources on filling that void. And since your brain views your
emotional survival to be almost as important as your physical survival, you can
see how a relationship can cause such tremendous pain and anxiety.
During a difficult breakup, even a simple task like concentrating on your job
becomes labor. No matter how hard you try, your thoughts keep going back to
the problem of the lost love to the point where focusing on anything else can
seem impossible.
Our sexual urges can be powerful enough for us to cheat on our partners, even
when our relationships are satisfying in every other way.
Most people, if they thought about it, would realize that they dont just want
there to change her mind and take them back. What they really want is to have
their relationship back exactly the way it was before the problems started so that
sex is truly fulfilling emotionally.
When it comes to making a change that will have some impact, the first place to
start is your body. When your body is healthy you look better and have more
energy. This helps keep you in better shape mentally as well.
A lot of people get depressed after a break up. They lie around in bed and fill their
body full of junk food. Some people cant get motivated to exercise and they may
not feel like moving around much but that is one sure way to get fat and
unattractive.
You need to fight these types of instincts. Every topic addressed in this chapter is
designed to give you more energy. Thats because a split can often leave you
feeling drained.
Get Moving
If you want to have a sexy body you need to get moving. This means exercise.
You need to get into a routine of exercising at least 30-45 minutes every day. If
you already have a gym membership start using it. If not, there are many
activities you can do that dont require a lot of extra money or equipment.
Exercising does not really have to cost a dime. Activities you can do on your own
include -
Walking
Jogging
Rollerblading
Biking
Swimming
These activities get your heart rate up, get you sweating and improve your mood.
When you exercise your body creates hormones called endorphins. These
chemicals are natural pain relievers that help you feel good.
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Other exercises that are good for helping you to relax and stay strong are
Stretching
Weight Training
Yoga
Pilates
Performed correctly these exercises will help to improve your strength. Theyll
help you to =walk taller and be more confident. These should be used to
supplement the more aerobic activities you participate in every day.
If you are finding it hard to get it going sometimes, it helps to find an exercise
buddy. Finding a buddy can also help you to get into gear.
If you have a close friend or even acquaintance who would like to work out, it
may help motivate you even more.
There are many activities that are great for you and an exercise buddy. These
include
Biking
Hiking
Jogging
Running
Taking long walks
Basketball
Tennis
Racquetball
Rollerblading
Aqua fit
Swimming
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Remember that exercise is not about punishing yourself. It is about being the best
you possible, and about gaining the confidence you need to attract the love of
your life.
Ice cream
Cakes
Cookies
Chocolate
Sodas
Deep fried foods
Chinese food
Fast food burgers
French Fries
Potato chips
These foods provide us with a temporary sense of comfort but in the end they
make you feel and look even worse.
A lot of people want to eat healthy foods but they do not know what foods are
the absolute best. There are many detailed and very good books about eating
right in the bookstores that can help guide you to eating better. In general you do
not have to head to the nearest weight loss program center to lose weight.
You just need to follow the guidelines that are explained here.
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Protein
You need to eat plenty of protein to help fuel your muscles and brain. This gives
you stamina and also levels out your emotions. People who eat enough protein
are less vulnerable to mood swings.
Good sources of protein include
Pork
Beef
Chicken
Turkey
Eggs
Beans
Yogurt
Milk
Cheese
Nuts
When you eat protein from meat you need to make sure you are getting it from
high quality lean cuts of meat. You should also limit servings of red meat to once
a week. Eating yogurt and drinking milk can also be good for keeping you
emotionally balanced because protein keeps your energy and brain chemistry
normal.
The fat that is found in nuts is good for your heart and brain and helps regulate
your brain chemistry so you do act irrationally or become prone to mood swings.
Every time you sit down to eat you need to see at least four different colors on
your plate. This ensures that you are getting all of the nutritional factors that you
need to stay balanced and to have enough energy to cope with the moods and
emotions that you might be feeling after a breakup.
You dont have to be stuck in a rut when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables.
When it comes to produce you literally have hundreds of choices.
Unsealed and beneficial fruits that you can eat include
pomegranate
pineapple
strawberries
kumquat
Cherries
Grapes
Squash
Peppers
Beets
Greens
Cabbage
Leeks
Pumpkin
Mushrooms
Tomatoes
You can also get plenty of recipes online. Be adventurous and try to eat
something at least once a week that youve never had before.
If you did not eat any fat at all you would not look good at all. Fat is something
your body really needs and you need it to support your mental health as well as
supply you with enough energy.
Unfortunately when we feel low, as we do after a break up, we tend to stuff
ourselves with the kind of bad fat that comes from consuming a double
cheeseburger, fries and shake. These are bad fats.
Good fats that help feed your brain and skin are found in flax seed oil, fish oil and
nuts. These unsaturated fats can actually make your heart healthier.
The fatty acids that can be found in flaxseed and fish oil can also improve your
mood. Eating a few servings of these oils a day even has an antidepressant effect.
You can simply add these oils to salad dressing or take them as supplements.
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Write It Down
Writing your feelings down is a form of release that gives you permission to name
them and experience them in a safe way that does not harm others. It gives you
clarity about what you are really bothered about and helps you to move on. It
also prevents obsession with an ex.
It is good to buy a journal or spiral notebook to jot things in it twice a day. If you
do not know how to begin then start writing your thoughts down like they were a
letter to a good friend. The need to pour your heart out about how bad you feel
about the break up can usually get your creative juices flowing.
Writing about your relationship can help lead you to realizations about it. You can
be more objective about what went wrong and what went right in the
relationship. It can also help you understand why you might want to get back
together with your ex.
Journals can also be a place in which you can safely confide feelings of regret,
resentment, or hate. This can prevent you from expressing it inappropriately or
publically.
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Journaling is not for everyone but its a good idea to try it before you decide that
it is ineffective for you. You do not have to be a great writer as it is meant for
nobody elses eyes but your own.
It is recommended that you write in your journal twice a day once in the
morning and once at night. This helps you release hurt and frustrations that may
have built up during the day.
See Someone
If you are really having problems handling your emotions then it might be time for
you to see someone.
Signs you need professional help are
Obsessing continuously all day long
Talking about your ex all day long
Everything reminds you of your ex
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It often helps to have an objective person to talk to even if you do not have any of
the above symptoms. In essence the therapist can be used as a healing tool that
can help you get over the toxic feelings that you are experiencing faster.
The only downside is that seeing a good therapist can cost you and you might
want to shop around for one that fits with you well.
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The problem is that recreational drinking or drug use only gives you a temporary
lift and then you are more depressed than ever. The alcohol poisoning and
hangovers can also wreak havoc on your body.
The worst effect however is how all of this can affect your judgment and your
mood. Most people make the worst decisions under these circumstances. That is
when they have meaningless one night stands or drunk dial the ex.
The result is fits of low self-esteem and even more emotional pain when you are
rejected by your ex for being such an inappropriate emotionally messy freak.
You have to decide what is more important a night of being disassociated from
your feelings or sticking to your long term goal of getting back with our ex.
Treat your mind and body with respect and your ex is more likely to do the same.
less than an hour using a laser. You can also buy very effective tooth whitening
kits in drug stores.
Dental work in general can always help improve your appearance especially if it is
affecting your smile. It wont be as painful as you think but usually there is an
expense. However, as it is your smile that is used to attract others so it is worth it.
Getting your skin problems fixed is also quite easy and usually you can see some
kind of improvement within thirty days.
Once you have put your health, beauty and makeover plan into action you will be
amazed at the positive results it brings you, not only in terms of your ex but also
in terms of other areas of your life such as your career and social life.
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CHAPTER 5:
HOW DATING MAKES YOU DESIRABLE
Dating other people is exactly what you need to realize that the breakup of our
relationship is not the end of the world.
Dating can perform many valuable functions for you including helping you realize
that that you are still attractive and that you do have the choice to move on if you
need to.
If there is something between you and your ex left to salvage, he or she will be
very motivated to see you especially that you are dating. Never underestimate
the power of jealousy to motivate your ex into getting you back.
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Even better, dating can completely distract you from your ex. The fact that you
are on a date is also life affirming. It helps prove to you that there is a life out
there beyond your last relationship.
Now, you may know that you havent really moved on, but your ex is in the dark.
When you take the first step of going out with someone else you show your ex
that youre not desperate or panicked. Instead, you appear self-assured and
strong.
This is also like a Plan B if Plan A (getting back with your ex) does not work out.
Internet Dating
Finding a date nowadays is as easy as typing in a few descriptions into a
computer. There are dating sites based on everything nowadays. There are ones
based on religion, culture, and even your pet preferences.
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If you dont know what you want, stick with the bigger sites as they can do the
matching for you based on your personality profiles. Your odds of meeting
someone are just that much greater.
You can also go into chat rooms to find people who are interested in the same
things as you.
All you need to get started is a few digital pictures of yourself and an Internet
connection.
Speed Dating
Speed Dating is a contemporary and popular way to meet people. Most major
cities have companies that provide this type service and the events are staged in
coffee shops and night clubs.
The idea is that you have dates that last anywhere from two to five minutes so
you can see if you have an initial attractions with someone. The meetings are
timed and you go in a circle so you can meet several people in a short time. If
both of you are interested you can exchange numbers or arrange a date.
Get a Matchmaker
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Friends and family are all too happy to set you up with someone if you are not
comfortable with high tech internet ways of getting a date or joining a dinner
dating club.
Some people enjoy being set up with others and some dont. However it can be
an effective way to meet someone because usually your friends have a good idea
of who might be right for you.
Dating Etiquette
Once you are on a date there are some basic rules for considering your new dates
feelings.
For one thing your new date does not have to know that you are just on a break
from your ex. Do not tell your date that you are on the rebound.
Here are some tips for an enjoyable evening.
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Do not spend time talking about your ex this should not be mentioned at
all!
Focus on the person you are with and truly get to know him or her. You
never know when you will make a great new friend or future lover.
Let loose and have fun. Try to have a good time and do not think about
your ex.
Dress to impress and behave like you are trying to impress your date.
Let them know if you are not interested. Be candid yet kind. Dont string
him or her along if it is not working out.
Keep an open mind. You might really like the person you are dating and be
open to a new relationship either now or in the future.
Dont be depressed if you dont meet anyone that suits you right away. That is
just part of dating
If youre Ex is Dating
It can be upsetting to find out that your ex is dating too. It could even cause you
to panic and try to contact your ex before the month is up.
Dont do this. You will feel very upset but if you dial that phone you will look
needy and desperate. The result will be that instead of drawing your ex closer,
you will be pushing him or her away.
Attempt to look at your exs experience in a different light. Look at the difficulties
that you might be experiencing with dating and imagine them having the same
fears.
For instance if you are uncomfortable meetings someone new your ex probably is
as well.
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Another good point is that any new person will not have your history. Also any
new person has a good chance of only being a rebound relationship and not much
else. In fact studies show that ninety percent of rebound relationships do not
work out. This should be a comforting percentage point for you to remember if
you start feeling anxious that you will lose your ex to another relationship.
When your ex dates even more distance is created between you. He or she will
start to remember the good times and this will diminish the experience of any
new people that your ex is dating.
Instead of worrying about your ex dating someone else, be glad that he or she is
occupied in this way as it means that your ex will be all the more receptive to you
when you do reach out for contact.
Rebound Relationships
Rebound relationships can be problematic. There are several reasons for this
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If you do find that person just remember to take your time. You are just out of a
relationship and to avoid rebound with the new person you need to be careful
that you do not make any rash decisions.
In the next chapter we will talk about the process of finally reconnecting with
your ex once your thirty days of makeovers and dating is over.
First you get a phone call and then if you dont pick up you will get a voicemail. If
you dont receive a response in a day or two your ex will start to wonder if you
got the message and try again.
When he or she realizes that you are purposely ignoring them, he or she may try
attacking or threatening you in order to get a response. Or your ex might try
being sweet and flirtatious to get your attention.
Desperation starts to kick in and the calls will become more frequent. Usually you
can hear emotional panic and strain in your exs voice. You might even get a very
long email that is an inventory of your character.
You can then usually expect your ex to start quizzing your friends about what is
going on with you. Or they may fabricate an emergency or crisis so they can get
your attention again and you will be forced to see them.
The ultimate result of all this is that your ex will be amazed at your ability to walk
away. They will be more willing to jump and say Yes when you do finally make
the call to make the big first date since the break up. This is discussed at length in
the next chapter.
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Its understandable to feel guilty, especially when you listen to the panicked
voicemails your ex will be leaving you as you ignore him or her for thirty days.
However, putting them in this state of limbo is a necessary part of the process.
If your ex does begin to panic and continues to leave messages, you will usually be
able to discern a level of progression towards being angry with you. The person
may curse you out, attack you verbally, or tell you that the two of you are over for
good.
You need to be strong and not take the bait. Your ex is looking for the right
button to push so you will phone and end the torture. It is a power struggle and
you must not give in.
My Ex Needs My Help
Pity is no reason to break your decision to avoid your ex for those thirty days. It
can be quite hard especially if you are the male and you see her crying.
This is usually when your ex stages a crisis, like a relative in the hospital or car
problem so you have to come and help him or her.
Please keep in mind, however, that these are not real emergencies. They are
staged crises that are being used to elicit a predictable response from you in order
to give them the contact that is sought after.
Another tactic is for the ex to call you because he or she had a frightening dream
or how they cant eat, sleep or focus on anything without you. It may take all of
your will power not to call them back.
So dont fall into any voicemail traps by putting too much stock in your exs
words, no matter how miserable they sound on the phone.
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Also, while the ex is stewing away, he or she is also rationalizing that they must
really care for you. This is where you want their focus to be, not on finding some
new mate to replace you.
I Need My Ex
Sometimes you sabotage everything by making up your own crisis so you can get
your ex back. This is an unconscious mechanism but it can still be catastrophic
when it comes to getting your ex back.
Some lonely exes will go as far as to crash their cars on purpose to get the
attention of an ex. This kind of plan can backfire in your face when your ex makes
some kind of lame excuse for not being there emotionally.
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Interrogating him or her for information will only lead to misery, so do whatever
you have to do to keep yourself under control.
Remember that absolute best way to prevent your ex from solidifying a
relationship with a rebound guy is to avoid all contact, no matter how difficult it
may seem.
I Want to Boast to My Ex
Lots of times we want to call our exes and brag about who we are seeing just to
see if we can make them jealous. Although it seems like this would work for
creating desire it is not a good idea that it comes from you. It is much better that
your ex finds out this type of thing from friends.
The thing is that this can provoke and shock your ex so much that he or she
dresses up, goes to a bar and begins to try and find someone new that very
evening.
There tends to be less of a reaction if it comes from gossip. Also you look like less
of a bragger. Later on when you do meet the ex for the first time after the
breakup, if they ask, tell them that although you were dating someone, that he or
she was the one that you really wanted to be with all along.
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There is a fine line between making someone jealous enough to chase you or
jealous enough to leave so be careful.
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CHAPTER 6:
EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
You should not be even contemplating doing anything that this chapter suggested
until you have waited the thirty days that it takes to solidify your love. By now you
are looking and feeling your best and hopefully your dalliances with other people
have helped boost your self esteem.
If youve been properly avoiding them, they will be stressed, confused and
anxious for contact. This means that you can now go back in and completely
reconstruct the ground rules for your entire relationship.
Its up to you to become aware of your past mistakes and make sure that you
dont fall into the same traps once you are back together with your ex.
The good thing about all this is that things can be totally fresh and new and your
relationship can be resurrected from the depths of alienation and despair. But
more than anything, a major paradigm shift about whats truly important in a
relationship needs to take place in your mind for the reunion to work.
Once you know you can handle whatever emotional trial comes your way you are
ready to contact your ex and hopefully welcome him or her back into your arms.
Start with a simple phone call. The object is to get your lover back into your life.
This is not a date or a chance to talk. It needs to be seen by your ex as a chance
to have some fun and ignite the spark again.
If you have done the work then you experience how you have broken the pattern.
Your ex will act very friendly and differently than they have in the past. They are
not associating their bad feelings with you anymore.
Your phone conversations should be short, positive and fun. Think of yourself as a
drug that is administered in small, highly concentrated yet carefully measured
doses so your ex will be craving your company and want more.
If you can prevent yourself from showing anger, jealousy, desperation or
neediness, and you make them feel good, than they will naturally start pushing
for more time with you.
Here are some pointers to making that important first call.
Try and call at a time when you know he or she is not busy.
Focus on fun and dont bring up any unpleasant memories
Talk about things that are positive that are going on in your life
Bring up a memory about something pleasant that happened and talk
about it.
Keep the first phone call pretty short.
Ask your ex to meet you at a specific date or time to do a specific thing.
Meeting for coffee or lunch is better than dinner.
While youre talking to your ex, keep things light and try and reestablish
your old comfortable rapport. Once you have that back, dont waste any
time making that date to see him or her.
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Try to call a week before you actually want to see him or her as this will
give you more time to prepare for the meeting.
Go with you to a movie or the theater where you have to sit beside each
other in silence
These events are better to attend together once you are a couple again. This is
because you are locked into being with each other for a few hours with the above
type of occasions and there is no escape if not all goes well.
If you are trying to fix up a relationship you need to take it easy. Plan a short and
simple activity like meeting for a cup of coffee or a drink. Lunch is not a bad idea.
Do something that gives the two of a chance to talk.
Something short and simple is best. Something what seems casual, gives you time
to talk, and wont last very long. This is what youre shooting for.
You are most likely to get a yes for your date if you have planned it all carefully
before you make the call.
If You Get a No
If you get a no then you need to make light of it. Just laugh a little and say Its
only coffee. Or Its only lunch.
Half the time your ex will relent. The other half of the time your ex could say no.
If this happens you should resist making things worse by
Begging
Getting angry
Crying
Accusing him or her of cheating on you
Launching into an old argument
Just gracefully get out of it by accepting the no. Wish your ex well and end the
conversation. This also leaves the door open for future communication.
If you do not get a call from your ex, it is time to end the relationship. Take care of
yourself and continue to date. Dont keep begging your ex to see you. This will
make them want to spend time with you even less.
Nobody wants to be smothered by a needy person. Accept your fate and move
on in life. You will live and you will love again and furthermore you have given it
your best try. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Dont keep
calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less
likely to want to spend time with you.
Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept
that this relationship is over. And again you will live and you will love again.
Hopefully what you want will happen as planned and you are able to simply
arrange a time for your date.
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And while you dont want your positivity to come off as contrived by over
exaggerating how perfect your life is, you still need to talk about yourself in a
favorable light. Remember, everything is great: your job, your friends, and your
life everything!
Keep It Light
While you are with your ex just try to relax and have a good time. You are not
going to spend that much time together so just relax during the time you have.
Try to choose an activity that you both enjoy doing and avoid talking about the
relationship very much at first. Just try and adopt the behaviors that made you
fall in love in the first place.
If you do talk about anything in your history make sure that it is a good memory
and not about a fight or anything to do with a break up.
No matter how much you are enjoying yourself you must not give in to your
desire to draw the whole thing out. Leave when you promised yourself you
would as this will make your ex respect you and want you more. If you dont
think you can do this, it helps to schedule something after the date so that you
absolutely have to leave.
One thing you can do is use strategic complements. Compliments will show your
appreciation for your exs valuable traits and make him or her feel desired.
You must not give in to your desire to talk about your issues or anything bad from
the past. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely
youll be to have the reconciliation that you want.
This is a simple and powerful psychological tactic that will trick your exs
subconscious into believing that the two of you are back together again.
While you are eating or drinking slowly reach over to them and do the
imaginary food crumb wipe, like they have something on their face. This works
extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of loving
relationship do that for each other.
Even chimps do this. It is a form of loving grooming that sends an unmistakable
message that the two of you are bonded. You are signaling to their subconscious
mind that you are still in a relationship.
A similar move is called the tie straightener. You can simply lean over and
straighten the persons tie. You might also try removing imaginary lint or hair on
the persons shirt or an eyelash from his or her cheek. Lean over and smile gently
at your lover while you do this. Make sure you make eye contact.
You can also gage how well your get together is going. If they jump out of their
skin or pull away then you know that it is not going that great. On the other hand
if they smile and thank you then that is positive.
A word of warning before practicing this do wait a little bit of time to see how
your get together is going before you attempt any contact. Wait until it seems
natural or you could freak out your partner.
Avoid Coercion!
Coercion is a form of persuasion that makes people feel forced into something. It
is the evil form of simply wooing someone into doing what you want.
Coercion is the emotional equivalent of getting people to do your bidding at
gunpoint. This is when you use blame, guilt, or shame, to get your ex back.
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The trouble with this is that it works. Your ex might agree to see you again simply
because guilt has kicked in.
However this does not work in the long term because it kills the spark of
attraction. There is simply no point in doing the you owe me routine. Your goal
after a break up should be to get the person you love back, not turn them into a
whole new person who absolutely hates your guts.
Think of a time when you felt forced into making a decision that you were
reluctant to make. How did you feel about the situation?
More importantly, how did you feel about the person who was using a
manipulation strategy? Is this the way you want your ex to feel about you?
Avoid Arguments
You must avoid arguments. This is especially important given the fact that
arguments frequently happen when two exes come back into contact with each
other.
The problem is that while you were split up both of you spent a lot of time making
a case against each other just like in a court room, only in this case there is no
judge or jury. Just two people debating each other endlessly until they get
depressed, jaded, and turned off each other! You want to avoid this.
You need to forget about dumping any of your emotional baggage on your ex and
even if your ex starts bringing up all of the crap from the past you need to be
silent. If you feel this is too much to ask, then you need to reevaluate your
priorities. Do you want peace and quiet or do you want your ex back.
Control, tolerance, and patience are keys here. You need to stay calm and relaxed
no matter what she throws at you because reacting to anything your ex says will
only create more problems.
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And finally, dont be afraid to apologize if your ex is really hurt about some of the
things you did to them before or after the breakup. Apologizing correctly can do
wonders for making your ex want you again.
If Trouble Starts
There is absolutely no guarantee that trouble will not start up with you and your
ex at any given moment. It is very important for you to defuse any problems
before they begin, so refuse or avoid discussing any relationship issues.
However you cannot censor your ex from talking about his or her problem. Just
let them say what they need to say.
You do not need to be defensive or engage them in the conversation. If you try to
argue with him or her or try to change their mind you are likely to make this date
into a miserable experience.
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Your best option is to simply say I dont want to talk about the past. Lets just
have some fun. Then try to change the subject. Make sure your tone is caring
and compassionate yet firm.
This technique works most of the time but if your ex is still really upset with you it
might not work at all. Upset exes tend to ignore boundaries and sometimes there
is nothing you can do to fight it or control it.
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It is the psychological benefit of an emotionally charged date that can give you
the edge in terms of having your ex link emotionally with you again. You will once
again have what is called a shared adrenaline charged experience. When two
people go through an emotionally charged experience it bonds them together.
The idea is to line up several of these dates in a row so that the level of
excitement builds. This will help bond your ex further to you.
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It is also a good idea to invite her to your place. Make sure it is clean because your
aim is to show her the real you and how tidy you are now that you have
improved.
You dont have to ask her directly to have sex with you. All you really need to do is
ask her to come home with you. She will get the idea of whats next or what
can happen.
The reason you need to make up some kind of excuse is so that she can exist in a
state of what is called plausible deniability. If she tells herself that she is just going
to your house to listen to a CD then she can tell herself that she does not have to
have sex with you if she does not want to.
Sometimes your ex might say Okay, but dont get any ideas... in which case you
can respond to her by saying Whoa, slow down there, I just want to show you
some pictures.
If she comes out with a flat out NO as a response, that is fine too. Just let her
have a little more time to decide what she wants. Dont push the matter and
dont get emotional. Once she is back at your place, play the CD or whatever you
were deciding to do and do not get all emotional.
Take it slow and start with a slight touch to her shoulder or hand. Make it almost
accidental and see how she reacts. You can start with the reconnect technique.
If the reactions are positive you can take it forward.
If they are not positive then call it a night and be good about putting an end to
the date.
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You do not want to sleep with your ex until you have a commitment from him.
Keep In mind, that it could be a mistake for you to pressure him into this. In fact it
is best if it is his idea.
It is okay to make him work for what he wants. That is because men value what is
a little bit harder for them to get. Men value what is rare. They commit to a
woman that the feel is special and valuable.
If you dont sleep with him right away you can also achieve the following
No doubt he will want to know why you refuse to sleep with him. Instead of
telling him that you are holding out for a commitment which sounds like
emotional blackmail, simply tell him that you are done with casual sex for now.
Take a break
Take care of yourself
Make initial contact again
Have another first date
It might also mean that it was too soon for you two to try again.
Ultimately it might be time to consider that this relationship might not ever work
out. If you feel the old familiar feelings of panic and desperation then it really
might be time to move on.
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Reunited
If you get a positive response then you are officially reunited. It was well worth all
of the months of planning and preparing.
Youre now on the road to a true relationship. But your journey isnt over yet! In
fact, theres still plenty of work to be done on both your parts.
Dont think for one minute that the reasons for your original breakup will be
ignored. Take a little time to enjoy the fact that youre back together. Work on
how youre going to keep your love alive.
Actions Matter
It is actions that matter and not words. The process of being reunited can be
confusing, distressing, elating, and put you in a fog of desire. The same is true of
your ex.
In the midst of this type of relationship game, morality and decency can get
pushed aside, so expect others to resort to dirty tactics to help get what they
want. This is why you need to always second guess your knee jerk responses and
try to understand the deeper motives behind the behavior of your ex.
Remember that when you first get back together your ex might promise you the
moon. However if you are not being promised the moon then you could have a
problem.
How to Troubleshoot!
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It is also important to show that you are open by having relaxed facial expressions
and body language. Be warm and keep your voice warm and reassuring. This will
help prevent a fight happening.
This does not mean you have to agree with him or her. But if you do feel like it
apologize. Do so without rewarding any bad behavior she is displaying.
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If this happens, give it a week or so between calls to see if he or she will suddenly
make that decision to see you. It is worth hanging in there as sometimes it is just
mind games retaliation for making him or her wait if they called during the
thirty day avoidance period. Your ex may be showing you how much that
treatment hurt.
Time to Move On
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If after months of courting and working on yourself you still are not being called
or encouraged by your ex then it might be time for you to call it quits. Just cut
your loss as fighting this type of relentless rejection is pointless.
Sometimes you have to allow other people to say no to you and get on with
your life.
However if you have decided together that you want to continue with the
relationship then it is time for you to move ahead and enjoy the suggestions in
the next two chapters.
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CHAPTER 7:
RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE
Congratulations. Now you are back together with your ex, you might be tempted
to slack off a bit dont do it! Slacking off now could undo all of your hard work so
far.
Remember what led you to the breakup in the first place? Those are the things
that you need to avoid as you get back with your ex.
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One way for this, is to keep trying things that you have never done before, such
as
This list is not at all complete, but dont be afraid to let your imagination find even
more little romantic ways to have fun. Giving your relationship variety is a great
way to keep the spark fresh and new. If you feel like your relationship is headed
back into a rut, you must get out of it as quickly as possible. Couples who play
together and have fun have a better chance of being successful in the long run.
There are many things you can do on a daily basis that will help keep fun and
romance part of your life as a couple.
For example
Be Affectionate
Every day take time for each other. Look into each others eyes. Even if you just
focus on your lover for 15 minutes each day youll be doing better than many
people. Take that time to find out how their day went and share your own day.
Dont forget to be physically affectionate with each other and bestow many hugs,
kisses and massages. These little touches can really bring you closer together as a
couple. They dont take a lot of time and it helps to build intimacy.
This does not mean that you cannot express yourself when you are upset. Make
an effort to let your feelings be known but do not go on the attack or your partner
you become defensive or even leave the relationship.
Let go of the things that caused you to break up in the first place. Theres no need
to go over old arguments again and again. The same technique you used in the
early communication phase of your reconciliation will continue to be valuable.
Listen to what your partner has to say. Be accountable for your part in any
wrongdoing.
Apologize and then let it go.
Handling Disagreements
Just because you are in love does not mean that you have to agree about every
single little thing.
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Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness and tolerance are key in any relationship. You need to be able to
forgive your partner and yourself before you can really make it work.
Many individuals say that you must wait until your feelings have improved before
you can forgive anyone. However the truth is you can forgive anyone at any time.
There is no wrong or right way to forgive people but there are some general tips
you can follow.
First you need to be specific about what it is that you need to be forgiving about.
Vague feelings of hatred just dont cut it when it comes to facilitating tolerance
and peace. Make sure you can name exactly what it is that you are mad about.
Ask yourself how youre feeling. Are you angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? It may
help to write down your feelings or talk with a close friend or family member
about them.
Make the deliberate decision to let go of your anger. While someone else may
have hurt you, how you react to it is your own responsibility.
Talk to your partner about how you feel but keep it in the realm of framing it as
being about a feeling. It helps to be heard. For example, When you cheated on
me I felt very hurt. Framing what you say as coming from a place of feeling is
much better them framing it in an accusatory tone that makes your partner
responsible for how you feel.
Let your partner know that you forgive them. If youve done anything wrong to
contribute to the problem, ask for forgiveness so you both can let it go, move on
and be light hearted and happy.
Accept the fact that your partner may not be as ready to forgive as you are. Give
them time to think about things.
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In order for you to forgive, the guilty party does not need to ask you forgiveness.
Sometimes just saying what you have to say helps you identify your feelings so
you can let them go.
Youve probably heard the old adage that you should forgive and forget. In
most cases that is really true. Forgetting, though, is much harder than forgiving.
We have a memory for a reason. It keeps us from making the same mistakes over
and over again. If you want your relationship to survive you might want to
develop a bit of a selective memory.
However as good as letting go feels, its not always a good idea to completely
forget. If they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, note this
pattern and learn from it.
If you insist on going over and over old arguments all of the time you will simply
open up old wounds. Resist the temptation to compound hurt feelings and your
reunion has a much better chance of surviving any rough patches.
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Ask family members and friends to accept your ex back into their lives and let go
of any hard feelings that they may have. Family and friends can really make
relationship problematic if you dont set proper boundaries.
Be Realistic
Being realistic about your relationships can mean seeing your partner as a human,
fallible and as someone who makes big mistakes sometimes.
Its possible that you desired to reconcile so badly that you forgot that your
partnership had big issues. In fact after all this effort you could possible find out
that getting back together was a mistake.
If you get to the point that you feel the relationship cant be saved, its okay to
end things again but for good. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes and
make better choices the next time.
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CHAPTER 8:
WHEN IT CANT BE SAVED
Sometimes life does not work out how you want it to.
You may have really wanted to rekindle your relationship with your ex, but its not
the right time or the right person for you.
All along after a breakup you should have been assuming the attitude that you
were moving on, just in case it actually happened. Still nobody is really prepared
for heartbreak.
Good thing can come out of a break up and in particular the lasting lifestyle
changes that make you into a better person.
Keep Dating
You first learned how to date when you went on your thirty day respite from your
ex, and there is no reason to stop now. The more people you meet, the more
opportunities youll have to find another relationship that will be fulfilling.
As discussed earlier in this book, great places to meet new singles are -
Singles groups
Through mutual friends
Internet dating websites
Sporting and other hobby clubs
Dating services
Dont retreat because you feel upset about your ex. Isolating yourself is the worst
thing you can do. You wont meet somebody sitting around, watching television,
and feeling sorry for yourself.
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These are just a few of the good things that come from being on your own. When
you learn to love yourself and function on your own, you can really bring so much
more to the next relationship.
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If youve had several serious relationships in the past, you need only look back
over your own life to see that you eventually were able to pick up the pieces and
move on.
If this is your first major breakup, youll have to trust the other people in your life
that are all telling you that you will heal and not be self-indulgent or selfdestructive.
A broken heart is really painful theres no doubt about it. But you get a little
stronger every time you have a broken heart and heal. You are guaranteed to
come out of lost love a better person than ever before.
A good thing to do is look at it philosophically... What did you learn? How did you
grow? When you can have gratitude for the changes youve undergone, youll be
better for it.
Moving on after a relationship is over, is one of the hardest things to do in life,
but youll be able to do it with grace if you take care of yourself and keep your
head held high.
Remember that in order to find somebody new to love you first have to learn how
to love you!
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