Elmuzamil Suliman

Instructor: Malcolm Campbell

English 1101
October 1, 2014
I got stiches during the summer of 5th grade. It was just like any other summer day,
extremely hot and boring at the same time. Around this period, my neighborhood was still under
construction and my house was one of the few that were already completely finished. There
were piles of dirt, wood, and signs everywhere you looked. I was playing my GameCube with
my brothers and cousins almost all day.
We needed something to do so I decided that we go outside to play. It was too hot to play
outside during the daytime, according to my mother so we waited till the weather cooled down a
bit. As we looked outside my brothers and I realized that we needed someplace really unique to
use as our base for hide and seek. We began to walk around the neighborhood trying to find the
perfect spot as my mother would yell, Dont go too far! every five minutes. The sun would

Jen Le 10/2/2014 12:59 PM

Comment [1]: Move this ALL the way to the left
side like how I did with your name.

Jen Le 10/2/2014 1:01 PM

Comment [2]: I would recommend using I
th
remember getting stitches during the summer of 5
grade.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:29 PM

Comment [3]: Use semicolon (;) instead of a
comma.

Jen Le 10/2/2014 1:02 PM

Comment [4]: Was*

Jen Le 10/2/2014 1:03 PM

Comment [5]: You should be referring to
yourself instead of the reader. So everywhere I
looked.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:21 PM

Comment [6]: Who is we? Specify.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:26 PM

Comment [7]: I would move this to the
beginning of the sentence. According to my
mother, it was too hot to play outside during the
daytime. Cut off to a new sentence. So we waited
until the weather cooled down a bit.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:23 PM

Comment [8]: Until*

slowly start to fade as we were on the hunt for the perfect spot. Afraid that it would be too dark
outside, which meant we had to go back inside, we hesitantly picked the welcome sign in front of
an unfinished house. Since there was very little sunlight, we all failed to realize the broken glass

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:26 PM

Comment [9]: Delete this and and replace it
with a comma.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:27 PM

Comment [10]: Not very necessary to add. I
would advise deleting it.

underneath the sign.

My friends Justin and Jordan heard us laughing outside so they decided to join us in our

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:28 PM

game. We played for almost two hours straight. The group decided that one more game would be

Comment [11]: Justin and Jordan (my friends)

enough so we would have time to go back inside the house and watch the latest episode of

Comment [12]: I would add game of hide and

seek because while I was reading, I forgot what
kind of game you were playing (haha)

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:32 PM

Naruto. I remember my brother being picked as seeker as we all raced behind unfinished houses
and endless porta-jons down the street. I noticed the wall that stood out on top of a hill in front of
my house. I dashed over there and waited for quite a while as one by one everyone tagged the
base. Finally it was my turn to make a move.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:33 PM

Comment [13]: Not really sure what porta-jons
really are but Im assuming theyre Port-a-Potties. I
would recommend using that word instead.

Jen Le 10/3/2014 7:34 PM

Comment [14]: I recommend putting a side of
my house

I remember trying to pick out the right time to sprint towards the base. As my brother
turned his back to look away I quickly made my way to the base. As I nearly touched it, he
turned his head. Quickly realizing it was a trap, I turned around and ran up the hill. Since I was
the only one left in the game, he followed me. I tried going in different directions and under
certain parts of wood inside the house to avoid being tagged. Then, I ran around the house twice
and decided to make my way to the base with him quickly approaching. I remember the rush I
felt of running at full speed and my brothers arm two inches away from tagging me. I hesitated

Jen Le 10/7/2014 8:08 PM

Comment [15]: Approaching towards me quickly

and slid on my knees and finally tagged the base.

I quickly stood up and cheered for joy. What I didnt realize is that I scrapped my knee
when I stood up. I remember how shocked I was and the looks on my brothers faces. I looked
down and tried to see how deep the cut was. As I did this, I noticed all of the shattered glass right
under the sign that we were using as base. My friend Justin yelled, Lets look for the skin! I
instantly remembered that my mother warned us not to go too far and we didnt realize that we
were already all the way down the street.
I really didnt want to let my mom know I was hurt, so tried to hide my injury from her.
As I limped back all the way to my house, we made a plan that was sure to work. One of my
brothers distracted her as everyone else snuck in through the back of the house. When I reached
my room, I was handed a wet cloth from someone to wipe the blood off surrounding my knee. It

Jen Le 10/7/2014 8:09 PM

Comment [16]: Lets look for the skin! yelled
my friend Justin.

didnt work very well, so I decided to keep my knee straight to stop the blood from continuing to
pour out. With the assistance of my brothers, I got myself into bed with a shirt wrapped around
my left knee. I put my blanket over my legs to make it look like I was relaxing.
I got away with this for a couple hours. Then my mom walked into the room and starting
asking me random questions about my day as if she already knew what happened. As I
responded to her I couldnt help but glance at my knee at every couple words. I started sweating
because of the fear of being caught. She then asked why I kept glancing at my knee. I responded
with Leave me alone! My mom suddenly threw my blanket off my knee. She yelled Ah ha! I

Jen Le 10/7/2014 8:11 PM

Comment [17]: I was afraid of*

knew you were hurt!

She called my dad and was screaming so loud that my neighbors could hear her. As soon
as my dad came home, he drove me to the emergency room. When we reached the emergency
room he didnt seem mad at me at all. This made me relax a little. As the doctor came in, I
remember him telling me that he was just going to clean my knee. When he left I screamed at the
top of my lungs. It felt like there were a thousand needles in my knee. After about an hour, I had
finally calmed down.
When I arrived at my house, my entire family was very nice to me and did everything I
asked them to. Relatives that I barely knew even came over and wished me a fast recovery. I
even got presents from some of them. My mom had a long talk with me about being more
responsible and not being so careless. From this experience, I have learned that I shouldve
listened to my mom.

Edited by: Jennifer Le

Jen Le 10/7/2014 8:13 PM

Comment [18]: Obeyed every request I asked
(nothing wrong with this, just a recommendation)

I noticed that there isnt a title for your narrative. Create a title that summarizes what happened
in the narrative. You can put something like Child Games Gone Wrong. Write something that
talks about your injury, your familys/friends reactions, or the whole adventure.

Your narrative has a nice flow to it; from the description of your neighborhood, to the game of
tag.

There are some grammatical errors that are repetitive, such as some punctuation and some
sentence structures are a little off.

You had some problems with the dialect, but I fixed some of them for you such as your friend
Justin yelling. I noticed that there isnt much dialect to this. I would recommend adding in some
more to make the story a little more interesting since a narrative is about telling a story; a
narrative without any dialect is known as a boring story to me.

You describe many things very clearly such as the feelings and thoughts that ran by your mind in
the game and when you were speaking to your mother.

There isnt much left to think about after the end other than if you really recovered well or not.
Im also glad to here that your story ended well!

Overall, this narrative is very interesting and very well written with just a few errors that are
revisable.