Petersen 1

Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the
form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets]
throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with
revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay:
Hello Adam! I'm Hannah H. and I will be helping you with your profile essay about Kayla. First off, you
did a great job in focusing on one idea at a time. For example, your third paragraph is focused on
Kayla's academic background. Having focused paragraphs helps you in making your discussion easy to
follow. Good work!
Main Idea/Thesis:
Your work does not have a clear focus yet, so some of your readers can get overwhelmed about the
information that they read about Kayla without really knowing what kind of person she is. In your
work, you describe her energy, her study habits, and her goal to make people happy. However, Adam,
what do all of these show about her? What would be an overall quality that can represent Kayla given
the traits that you are going to discuss about her? You need to make this clear. For example:
Mr. Smith (topic) can be considered as one of the best leaders of his generation (main
claim) because of his ideals, vision for the company, and his passion for people (key
points).
The thesis statement above already shows the aspect of Smith's personality that I going to discuss.
This will allow my readers to know the overall point of the profile essay that I am developing. Given
this example, how will you now develop a clear focus for your essay? You can read through Thesis
Development to learn more about this.
*Adam 7306088 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:
Your claims about Kayla are not yet clearly illustrated, so your readers might not yet clearly
understand her as a person. You wrote: She has been home schooled her whole life and that has not
slowed her in the slightest.
How can we know that being home schooled has not slowed her down? How is her performance in
college? What are her grades? Consider making these clear so your readers will have a more concrete
idea about what kind of a person Kayla is. How will you now improve your discussion given this
suggestion?
*Adam 7306088 has requested that you respond to the Transitions:
The paragraphs in your essay do not show connection to one another, so your work seems a bit
chopped up. For example, your second paragraph is about how you met, while your third is about her
schooling. How are these ideas connected? You need to establish the connection of your paragraphs so
your work shows coherence, Adam.

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To show cohesion, you can use transitional devices like also and another to show addition or
however and on the other hand to show contrast. For example:
Smith's vision for the company also reveals that he is a great leader.
My use of also above shows that my upcoming paragraph adds to the discussion before it. Given
this, how will you now show coherence for your paragraphs? You can read Developing Powerful
Paragraphs to learn more about transitional devices.

Summary of Next Steps:

Thanks for sharing with us your insights on Kayla. In your essay, you did a great job in developing
focused paragraphs. Keep this up! To further improve your work, please:

create a clearer focal point for your essay

illustrate your claims about Kayla
show the connection between your paragraphs

I hope you will find my suggestions helpful. Good luck! -Hannah H.

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*************************************************************************
Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking.
We encourage you to submit future essays.
*************************************************************************

Adam Petersen
Vanderslik
English 100-15
October 8th 2014
The Girl
Kayla Doe. If I need to say more you dont know her.[What does it mean if you need to
say more about Kayla? The phrase that will answer this is the effect of the condition that
you set, so you might want to put a comma before it. Doing so can help you make your
sentence clearer.] Kayla is the smartest person I know or probably will ever know. She has

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helped me through some really rough periods in my life. Anytime I want to talk she is always
there. I am proud to call her my friend.
I met her through Counter Strike: Global Offensive. We were in a random match together
and we played well together, and even though we didnt win that match it was the most fun Ive
had in a multiplayer game. OK everybody, were going to lose but lets just have fun.[Who
said this, Adam? Please consider making this clear so you can give your readers an easier
time in understanding the details in your discussion.] Kayla is very energetic and just hearing
her sunshiny voice makes your day better.
She studies any chance she gets. Which is how she is a senior at only 16 and is taking
mostly college classes. She has been home schooled her whole life and that has not slowed her in
the slightest. She gives me the encouragement that if I work hard enough I can get any grade I
deserve. I believe she could become anything she wants although she plans on becoming a
psychologist.
Even the first time you meet her you can tell she wants to make everyone happy.[How
will you know this? What suggests that she wants to make everyone happy? Expounding on
your claims can help you create a clearer profile about Kayla.] Anytime of day I can send her
a message and she will reliably answer and she can almost always tell if theres something
wrong. I know what its like to feel alone and depressed, and I dont want anyone else to
experience that. Many a time have I been depressed and she has lifted my spirits in a matter of
seconds. Once as I was on the verge of tears from stress and all it took was three messages and I
couldnt help but smile. And I immediately felt better because it is impossible to be upset in any
way when she is talking to you. It is my believe that she could make anyone, even the grouchy
Ebenezer Scrooge, happy in under a minute.[I like how you used Ebenezer Scrooge here to

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emphasize Kayla's skill in making people happy. This hyperbole allowed you to make your
point clear. Good job!]
In the end you will never find anyone else like Kayla. She is one of the most caring
people I know. It is always good to have someone in your life that cares for you and will do
anything to make you happy. Im sure many of you have your own, but she is my inspiration for
living.