To:

From:
Subject:
Date:

Professor Nogay
Ross, Opeoluwa, Sharbria, Alex
Analysis of Snake Document and Revisions
9/19/14

Dear Professor Nogay,

We have analyzed the given excerpt from the Texas Water Safety Training Manual. Our
revisions are as followed:

Snakes
(A) Snakes are a fact of life in Texas, so you need to be careful.1 The coral snake is the only
poisonous snake that is native to Texas.2 These snakes3 are very small and very shy, so
their bites are very rare.
(B) These snakes live in leaf-covered areas, and blend in so well you may not see them.4
These snakes are not aggressive, but they will bite if they are accidentally stepped on or
kicked.5 Always be careful when moving dead logs or pieces of wood. This is the snake
you should be most worried about.6 They live near water and can be found in lakes,
ponds, ditches, streams, marshes, and swamps- anywhere you find standing water.7
Unlike most snakes, cottonmouths are aggressive, and they will attack.8 They can also
bite underwater. The best way to protect yourself is to keep your eyes open and wear
snake guards.9 When most people think about snakes in Texas, they think about
rattlesnakes.10 These snakes are easily recognized by the distinctive rattling sound they
make. They will bite but are not aggressive.11 They tend to be most active at night.12

Tips for Avoiding Snake Bites

1

Sentence too basic, more details should be present.

Incorrect, the Coral Snake is not the only venomous snake in the state of Texas.
3
These snakes used repetitively.
4
Sentence should be more descriptive. Blend in so well could be used with better vocabulary.
5
Sentence could be reconstructed to be written effectively.
6
Sentence seems contradictory to prior facts: be most worried about, and these snakes are not aggressive.
7
Term water used twice, even after examples of bodies of water. Unnecessary use of the term water.
8
Does not provide good transition verb to talk about cottonmouth snakes. Sentence cuts into talking about water and
coral snakes.
9
Sentence is about avoiding snake bites, should be in under topic Tips for Avoiding Snake Bites.
10
Sentence is more of an opinion of the audience. Writer should not assume the opinion of audience. Writer should
use better transition verbs between snakes.
11
These snakes are easily recognized by the distinctive rattling sound they make. And They will bite but are not
aggressive. Should be compounded into one sentence.
12
They is used again, writer should use better pronouns.
(A) Paragraph A is too brief, not descriptive, and presents too little information.
(B) Paragraph B is opinionated and perhaps biased, since information is not factual. Subject change is very
choppy, jumps from snake to snake without an effective transition verb. Does not provide supplemental
information.
2

(C) Wear knee-high boots.13 99% of bites occur below the knee and a snakes fangs cannot
penetrate a strong boot. Wear heavy leather gloves. Always look before reaching or
sitting.

Treating Snake Bite

(D) Call 911. Keep the person still. Elevate the head. Do not cut the bite and suck the poison
unless directed to do so by a medical professional.14 Such action would only be
necessary if there will be extended travel time to the emergency room. Be careful when
applying a tourniquet or restrictive device. Stopping the blood flow to an extremity in
most cases will do more harm than good.15 If you apply a tourniquet incorrectly, you can
cost someone a limb.

Two sentences are started with Wear, both could be combined into one sentence, such as Wear knee-high boots
and leather gloves.
13

14

Information is brief and used as steps, should be written as list or using bullet-points.
(C) Much more information for avoiding snake bites can be given, and information that is given is brief and
unrealistic.
(D) Paragraph D should be written as a list or using bullet-points, or reconstructed in a way that step to step
information is transitioning. Steps are brief and separate from each other, so should be formatted in a way
they are not chunked together.
15
Sentences should be combined into one complex sentence, such as Be careful when applying a tourniquet or
restrictive device because stopping the blood flow to an extremity in most cases will do more harm than good.