Tabitha Lee Sang

Mr. Munoz
English DC, Period 5
October 15, 2014
Catholic Turmoil
A little white dress, pretty shoes, a nice Church and the crowd of people that are my
family, and soon to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. I was baptized when I was an infant, so I
have no memory of the sacred promises to reject Satan and accept Christ or of the mini bath I
took in the holy water at St. Francis of Assisi Church in San Antonio. I do remember being
dragged to Church every Sunday thereafter and being abandoned for the first time at Central
Catholic Elementary School. This was to be the beginning of my long journey through Catholic
education.
Catholic schools and public schools are similar in that they both seek to teach the basic
subjects of mathematics, science, and history, but other than learning the scholastic subjects
Catholic schools are extremely different than public schools. While I did not mind the required
uniform, I was extremely annoyed by the weekly Masses students were required to attend every
Wednesday. In a Catholic school there are usually more rules that are more strict and rigorously
enforced. In addition to learning my numbers and letters the education I received at Central
Catholic taught me the basics of the Catholic faith. I can still recall the definitions of Trinity,
Divine Scripture and Holy Spirit I was required to memorize for my weekly Religion tests. I
distinctly remember in fourth grade the night I had to study how to correctly spell the names of
the seven sacraments. My experience at a young age with Catholicism had made me view my
Catholic faith as an education like mathematics whose rules dictated the actions of my life. I had

been studying the spelling for about an hour or more, and by that time both my dad and I were to
the point of maximum frustration. My dad finally told me to write each of the words ten times,
and at this time this had been the most I had ever written, so I hid in the closet and cried in
despair. I attempted to call my mom, but in the process I cried to the office operator, who told the
my parents' employee, who told my mom, who called my dad. Going to a Catholic school has
ingrained in me a view of Catholicism as a strict set of rules that, if violated, have serious
consequences.
Fortunately or unfortunately going to a Catholic school made me very sheltered from the
influence of society. I did not known, let alone use, any curse words. I believed that drugs and
bullying were only going on in a few schools let alone my own school. I also foolishly assumed
that most people followed the rules to the dot. During my three years at Bishop Garriga Middle
Prepatory School I had all these innocent delusions disappear, which shocked and depressed me
because I finally had to realize no matter how nice someone is they still have a cruel, mean side
to them. This revelation forced me to scrutinize my faith not only on an educational level, but
also on a personal level, because I was trying to grasp what every middle school student is trying
to figure out; where do I belong? In middle school I saw my peers break the rules that I believed
were essential for being a Christian, and yet they claimed to be Catholic or Christian. This
contradiction confounded me because I had only to that point processed actions and thoughts as
only good or evil. I started see what I believed were sins not only in my peers, but also in myself.
I tormented myself trying to be the perfect Christian person. This attempt to be perfect made me
seclude myself from the other students and I remember being very lonely. I also remember the
mental anguish that came with every failure at being perfect. One night I could not take the
internal suffering and I recall crying and praying until I fell asleep. I realized then that I could

not punish myself for being human and that Catholicism took into account that humans are not
perfect, but still held them to become better.
During my years from ninth to twelfth grade my high school's title changed from Pope
John Paul II to Blessed John Paul II and finally to St. John Paul II. I, like my school's title,
experienced a change in my view of my faith. At the beginning of my freshman year I blindly
tried to follow the commandments that I had been taught throughout my Catholic education and
being taught again in my ninth grade theology class. Then during my tenth grade year I
experienced a similar revelation that I had in middle school. This revelation happened
unexpectedly while I was vacationing with some of my relatives in Jamaica. My cousins and I
were relaxing in our little house by the ocean after swimming to an island about a quarter of a
mile in front of the house. I do not remember how the argument started, but I remember arguing
until one o'clock in the morning about the corruption and faulty teachings of the Catholic
Church. I was barraged by subjects that I was never taught like the crusades, "just" warfare, the
inquisition and corrupt popes. My cousin pointed out that one of the commandments commands
Christians do not kill and yet Catholicism has caused many wars and conflicts that have
resulted in bloody violence that were created by the Catholic faith. He argued that this
commandment restricted Catholics not only from killing in warfare, but also in self defense. I
was trying to justify my faith, but all these failures of the Church that I was never informed after
years of hearing about the "holiness" of the Church made me feel betrayed. I felt like I was
deceived by the Church, after feeling guilty for not holding up to the standards that the Church
preached to her followers and she herself was not able to uphold. I was made more upset by the
fact that I had never heard these sins of the Church after years of education in the Catholic faith.
I returned to school doubting my faith and the teachings of the Catholic Church. This revelation

taught me not to aimlessly follow a teaching without understanding the logic and reasoning
behind the creation of the teaching. The more I looked at the incentives that lead to some of the
instructions behind the Catholic Church the more I saw that the Church is like every other human
institution; influenced by politics, money and power. The theology classes at my school did not
change this opinion and actually strengthen this opinion, because I felt like the classes were
taught from a one sided view without acknowledging the validity of some of the points from the
other side. I continued my search to find the truth because truth is the foundation to everything
that is real, and life is meant to find what is real and true.
This search has lead me to conclude that one cannot be perfect because it is not humanly
possible, and that one can only do ones best. I have also concluded that while the Catholic
Church has its own teachings on how to live life it is ultimately my decision based off of
circumstances and my own conscience to decide what is good and what is evil because the
Church cannot predict every circumstances. I still believe the core teachings of the Church
contain some truth, but I understand that I must use my own judgment to decide what is right and
what is wrong.