chapter one

(2015)

She wished, first, that her arm wasnt bent unnaturally under her body in such an angry way,
shoved between her breastplate and whatever, be it mattress or couch or floor, was
underneathand wished, second, that she were someone else entirely. The sun was settling
uncomfortably on her eyelashes, pulling back the lids with insistent, spiteful tugs. This was
going to be another morning like many other mornings and as the realization settled under her
skin, she wanted less and less to open her eyes at all.
The arm around her waist tightened as she cleared her throat and rolled over, attempting to
ease the tension in her own trapped, now traumatically numb, arm. The ceiling looked like a
dozen ceilings she had seen before, the pockmarks and plaster not quite identical, obviously,
but still resolutely contributing to the intimate familiarity she couldnt shake.
A blithe thought came then, of how when people were cornered, they would lash out.
Previously she had wondered if they knew they were lashing out while in the process of it,
but now she wondered if they could even know they were cornered. She had lived a good
twenty-six years; it felt over-long because it hadnt been broken up into chapters. There was
no beginning and end to events, and so there was no way to know if one was living it
correctly, in any respect. Still, dimly, shed had the feeling she had been living it incorrectly
for some time now.
With a sigh, Kim Taeyeon gently removed the arm from around her waist and sat up,
climbing unsteadily out of bed.
Like most mornings, it was not a clean break. She was hunting for her clothes when the girl
on the bed stirred and mumbled something at her, her eyes opening in bleary indecency.
Taeyeon cleared her throat and zipped up her jeans. It was a little after lunchtime. Hmm?
Where you going?
She was a pretty girl, probably about nineteen years old. Of the brief images she could recall
from the previous night, Taeyeon remembered that the skin at the base of her neck was
impossibly smooth, that her hands were soft as though they had never worked. Maybe she
was a student. Taeyeon blew some of the hair out of her eyes and pulled her shirt on.
I have to go. I have an appointment. Her cellphone wasnt in her pocket like usual so she
had to hunt for it.
The girl then said what they all more or less said, perhaps not always because they meant the
sentiment but because it was expected and the transaction was somehow empty without it.
Her wide eyescircle lenses, Taeyeon thoughtblinked long fluttering eyelasheslikely
fakeand she said, unnaturally high and mouthwateringly sweet, Will I see you again?
Taeyeon smiled because she had spotted her cellphone on the nightstand by the girls head.
She scooped it up and then leaned down for a quick, perfunctory kiss. Of course. I had fun.
Ill call you.

But you dont have my number.

She breathed out noisily through her nose. Her head was aching. She had no idea if it was a
hangoverthe dry mouth and numbness of limbs would indicate soor a habitual headache
like usualthe burden of living everyday as she did would indicate sobut it was making
her feel electric under her skin, impatient with the strain of feeling unnatural.
She patiently counted to ten and made herself smile gently. This was a very nice girl with a
very nice apartment. She brought up her phones address book and then wordlessly, the smile
unwavering on her lips, passed the phone to the girls pale, trembling hands. The trembling
inspired her annoyance to dissipate, somewhat. It was easy to forget what a young, innocent
girl looked like from the inside out.
Here. The phone was back in her hands. I put my name in, too, in case you didnt
remember it. A genuine, heartfelt smile which Taeyeon couldnt help but return.
Thank you. She kissed her again, lingeringly this time. Lee Kiyoung. Thanks.

She escaped onto the street, her head feeling light enough to float away. When shed left the
apartment and realized there were eight flights of stairs between her and freedom, she had
begun to feel sick and had taken them at a sprint. Now her heart was pounding in rhythm with
her head. She gulped in cold air. Her jacket was too light for Seoul in winter. Her head was
killing her. Pressing her back against the brick wall, she tried to find consciousness. There
was something she had to do today, just like there was something she had to do everyday.
She opened her eyes, looking blankly at the city street in front of her. What was it.
Lunch with Hyoyeon. In Gangnam.
It was one of the girls who followed her.
Right, she said, breathless. It was a habit to not make eye contact with these fans. She felt
around for her car keys. They were in her right jacket pocket but she couldnt see her car on
the street, nor did she have any idea where the parking garage was, if the building had one
it had to have one, even if it wasnt a very expensive area, there were always parking
garages
You came here in a cab, one of the other girls said. A brief glance confirmed there were
only four of them today. If she was a long way from her neighborhood, that made sense; it
was only a certain type of character who could handle following one person around without
cognizance of the maze barriers. We called it for you, both of you were too drunk to drive.
Right. That was all she said.
We called another one when we saw you were coming down, itll be here soon.
How did you know I was coming down or God why are you here or Maybe Ill just walk, what

about that, I dont need you all clustered together on the tip of her tongue but all she said was
what she always said: Right.
Your car is at the bar in Seongdong if you want the cab to take you there instead of to lunch.
Right.
The cab pulled up and one of the girls handed her a cup of coffee.
Feel better, Taeyeon unni.
Right.

The cabdriver wanted an autograph for his kid instead of cab-fare. This was par for the course;
Taeyeon hadnt properly paid cab-fare in over five years. She straightened her rumpled
clothing on the drive over, fixing her hair. She wasnt sure why. It hardly made a difference.
She and the girls had spent over a decade together at this point. They knew each others
habits better than they knew their own and used each other as a reference, an encyclopedia on
their own particular quirks and eccentricities.
Hyoyeon seemed like she had been waiting a while. She was on her second cup of coffee. Of
all the Girls Generation members to keep waiting, Hyoyeon was probably the best. She was
sharp and would make her aggravation known with little fanfare, which was more than she
could say for other members.
Hey. Sorry Im late. She smiled at the waitress. Just coffee.
Are you eating at all these days? This was Hyoyeons version of a greeting.
Taeyeon looked down at herself. She was a little skinnier than usual but hardly worth noting.
What do you mean?
Every time weve had lunch for the past three weeks, youve only had coffee.
Taeyeon shrugged. I eat a lot at night, trust me. I sit in the booth for two hours and just eat
junk.
You should exercise more.
If I wasnt so lazy. Are you mothering me? She smiled wryly but the words had an edge to
them.
Id try to, but I dont think youd let me.
Taeyeon sipped her coffee. Is everything okay? Hyoyeon shrugged. Hows Dujun?
Theyre working a lot, because of the album, so I dont see him very much. She shrugged.

On most people, it might have been an attempt to look as though the whole thing didnt ruffle
her, but the truth was that little things ruffled Hyoyeon anyway. She was far from a clingy
girlfriend. It was why Taeyeon had said a million times that Hyoyeon was the only one of
them she would consider dating, even if they all knew that wasnt entirely true.
Speaking of album Hyoyeon began and Taeyeon squinted at her, the headache coming
back with a dedicated vengeance. Hyoyeon recognized her shift in mood immediately. Or
not
Taeyeon shook her head. Sorry. Headache. Speaking of album, what.
How close are you to finishing yours?
She sipped her coffee leisurely to give herself some time to think of a good way to say it. I
would say, maybe, less than half finished.
Less than half?
Maybe closer to
Well, how much of it have you
I have one song finished, Taeyeon said baldly and then smiled, feeling suddenly neurotic.
Its a good song.
Then just put out a single, Hyoyeon chuckled. I just ask because Juhyun asked and Juhyun
asked because
Because of the group.
I mean, its up to you, really, when our next group album comes out. After your solo album,
before. It depends on you.
You would make a great manager, you know that?
No, I wouldnt, I hate entertainers.
Taeyeon laughed. She felt a little better; the headache wasnt disappearing, but it certainly
was easy to ignore around someone like Hyoyeon. This was probably true of nearly every
member of the band, but most potent with Kim Hyoyeon; when they had met eleven years
ago, they had been so awkward it gave Taeyeon headaches. Over the years they had settled
into a comforting sort of familiarity. Of course, over a decades worth of friendship would do
that, but with Hyoyeon, Taeyeon knew that she herself had not gotten any less awkward; they
had both just become more adept at being comfortable with the mutual awkwardness.
It was for this reason, really, that although she would not single Hyoyeon out as the member
she was closest with, she was easily the member she trusted the most.
For her part, Hyoyeon was probably incredibly aware of this, and this was probably why she
felt comfortable broaching subjects with Taeyeon that other members would be afraid to.

Hyoyeon put both her hands on the table, fingers spread with pensive intention. The other
thing I wanted to talk to you about
Wow, really. Taeyeon sipped her coffee. You really would make a good manager, I feel
burdened the minute you open your mouth.
They shared a wry smile. Hyoyeon went on, You havent returned any of Juhyuns texts, so
Im going to ask on her behalf
Texts? Taeyeon frowned. Im sorry, I literally just woke up.
We both expected as much. Anyway, since she has a schedule with you tonight, she was
wondering if youd carpool with her over to Jessicas. Im going to be coming from Dobong
because Im filming, so I cant pick her up
Yeah, sure, whatever, Taeyeon said quickly. She had forgotten that Juhyun was a guest on
her radio show tonight. Before she had ended up in that bar last night, shed planned to write
up some good questions to ask her, since she wanted it to be a really good interview. She
knew better than anyone how to draw good responses out of someone quiet like Juhyun,
especially since she had known her forever. She scratched the back of her neck thoughtfully.
Why are we meeting up at Jessicas, though, just wondering.
Hyoyeon paused, exhaling impatiently. Ah, really. You really dont check your text
messages, do you?
I do, she lied defensively. It was taxing, really. She had over one hundred unread messages.
She tried to prioritize them, but most times that meant only reading the ones from her
manager so that she knew to be at schedules on time.
The least you could do is check into group chat once in a while, Hyoyeon said. Youre
aware that Stephanie is back in Seoul, right?
Taeyeon felt suddenly as though she had been kicked. Hyoyeon looked at her with something
resembling pity.
Of course Im aware, Taeyeon said. Her tongue felt numb. So it was like that. She had been
in Los Angeles for nearly three months. It was like that, huh. I am aware
She got in yesterday morning. Hyoyeons tone had softened. It was hard to look at her, now,
when her expression was filled with sickening sympathy. So Jessicas having us over for
dinner tonight. Youd know that if you checked into group chat once in a while, or even
checked your texts.
Ive been busy, Taeyeon said quietly. I
I know, Hyoyeon said softly. But just make the effort if you can.
The pounding in her head suddenly intensified to the point where she felt as though she might
be sick. She felt as though the alcohol wasnt out of her system. It prickled all over her body,

the immediate feeling of wanting to be back in that warm bed, eight floors up, pressed against
Lee Ki-whoever or any girl or anyone, really, anyone that would block out this feeling.
She steeled herself and inhaled. It took all her willpower to not exhale in a rush of exhausted
tension. Good, she said briskly. That means we can talk about the album tonight. And we
can start production on it immediately. Good.
Hyoyeon looked at her for a long moment. She wondered what she must have looked like
from the outside looking in. Was the forceful stamping down of emotion, desperate climbing
into her Idol Group Leader skin visible from the outside?
Okay. That was all Hyoyeon said.
Okay, Taeyeon agreed. She stood abruptly, throwing down enough money to cover her
coffee and Hyoyeons meal. Its on me. I gotta run, I have a schedule.
Arms folded across Hyoyeons chest; she sat back. Of course you do.
Taeyeon looked out the window for a moment and then smiled tightly at her old friend. See
yousee you tonight.

Taeyeon sat in the recording studio, listening to the mastered version of the last song she had
recorded. She had heard it thirty or forty times, mastered, by now. It was settling into the
grooves of her brain. She looked at her phone.
128 unread messages.
She swallowed hard and began to diligently scroll through each one. There was no way she
could reply to each and every one. There was a pang of guilt associated with each and every
attempt at communication from people she loved, attempts that had gone ignored. She sighed,
rubbing her temples. She continued scrolling up until her finger landed on a name that she
knew she hadnt seen in her texts list for three months.
Yeppeuni Hwang
She opened the message.
Taeyeon~ Im getting into Seoul Friday morning ^^ Would you want to meet me at the airport?
Let me know!
She sucked in a sharp breath. The message was five days old. She continued scrolling until
the name, the familiar heart shape, appeared again. This was from three days ago.

Okaaaaaaay, Im guessing no reply means youre busy, keke ^^ Its ok, Jessi says shell pick
me up. No problem ^_~
The next message was immediately above it, only fifteen minutes between.
But! Maybe we could have dinner the night I get in? Or just drinks, knowing you, kekekeke.
Missed you a lot, let me know ^^
Her fingers scrolled hastily now, ignoring any other names except the pressing bold one, the
starkly mocking heart shape. The next one was from the day before.
Jessi says youre pretty busy lately, so Im guessing dinner or drinks wont be possible? No
problem ^^ But Ill see you at dinner tomorrow, right? I miss you a lot, TaeTae. Its hard to
talk like this. Thats why I didnt text you before. Okay. Miss you ^^
Another one, only a few hours later.
Im in Seoul! Hey, havent seen you in group chat, by the way. The rest of the girls are there.
Anyway, let me know if you want to hang out today, otherwise Ill see you tomorrow.
The next one was from the previous night. Taeyeon suspected it had come in when she had
pressed Lee Kiyoung up against the door of her apartment, her hand snaking underneath her
skirt.
Guess Ill see you tomorrow night? Jessi says you havent touched base with her but that she
doesnt think youd miss it. Please come? I miss you so much. I have so much to tell you.
Youre not ignoring me, right? I bet you wouldnt kekekeke ^^ Miss you, TaeTae.
That was the last one. There was a string of messages from her manager, a few from the other
girls. She replied to the ones from her manager, confirming schedules and appointments. The
mastered version of her song picked up its loop for the fourth time. She read the last message
from the little heart shape one last time. Her eyes traced the words. It wasnt until the song
picked up to loop for the fifth time that she managed to press reply and type out a message.
See you tonight, Fany.

chapter two

Taeyeon twirled her pen distractedly between her fingers. Looking across the mic, she met
Juhyuns eyes and smiled at her. Juhyun smiled back; Taeyeons heart swelled. Seo Juhyun

was someone she would never tire of staring at. She was graceful in ways that defied
language. Taeyeon loved her very much.
When the commercials ended, Taeyeon plugged her headphones in again.
Taeyeons Late Night Radio picks up the second half with a guest that Late Night listeners
should hopefully be very familiar with, unless they want to make me angry. This is a person
who is so cute, you instantly want to take care of her, yet someone who is so bright and
mature, you can feel only frustration that she wont let you. In the studio with me is Seohyun,
please welcome her.
Juhyun leaned toward the mic to introduce herself. Taeyeon watched her attentively; it was
second nature at this point. Every word and syllable was a reflection of nine different people.
Seohyun sshi, she said, the term dripping with such forced formality that Seohyun laughed.
We know each other pretty well, right?
Mmm, Juhyun agreed. I think we are familiar with one another.
Yes, Seohyun and I have worked together in the past, Taeyeon joked. Im Seohyuns fan.
Truthfully, Im Taeyeons fan.
Yes, Taeyeon said distractedly, looking down at her script. Thats why I invited you.
Seohyun, I wont beat around the bush, because youre a guest that truthfully, regular
listeners should really know a lot about you, since I talk about you a lot.
Yes.
So Ill ask the question I think everyone wants to hear the most. Since youve released your
first solo album, many people, I think, are curious about the answer to this question.
Especially since the album is doing so well, and the song had an all-kill on music charts, so
certainly a lot of people are wondering about this question.
All right.
The question iswho is your favorite member of Girls Generation?
For the first night in many, Taeyeon wrapped two hours of radio without a headache. The
mixture of Juhyuns company, the vibrant atmosphere in the booth that night (many of the
writers were Seohyun fans), and the vitamins and water Juhyun had brought Taeyeon before
the show started not only relieved her of the tension in her head, but did the trick of allowing
her to forget about the mounting anxiety of that nights dinner.
Of course, as soon as she finished recording, the comfort and ease melted away and her
stomach tightened. She realized with a start that she was about thirty minutes away, give or
take traffic or a hold-up from fans on the way out of the MBC building, from seeing a person
she wanted very badly to look at and very powerfully knew she shouldnt.
She waited patiently while Juhyun distributed signed copies of her album to the staff,

greeting each and every staff member individually with an earnest and professional fashion
that again made Taeyeons heart swell. It was difficult not to see Juhyun as something
between a little sister and a daughter. Logically, she knew there was only a two year
difference between the two of them and that she, Taeyeon, was hardly mature enough to
qualify as much of an older sister, let alone a mother, but her heart could not help but feel that
way every time she looked at the girl she had watched grow up for eleven years.
Unni. Juhyun was in front of her suddenly, looking down at her with warm, placid eyes.
Are you ready to go?
Yes. She took Juhyuns hand, lacing their fingers together. Come on, theres a back exit to
the parking garage, we can avoid the fans.
Certain fans were unavoidable, though. A few of the girls who followed her were gathered
around her Kia Amanti when they rounded the parking garage corner. Taeyeon pressed the
lock button on her keys just to hear it honk loudly and startle the fans. She smiled wryly;
Juhyun nudged her, but Juhyun didnt live with the daily headache.
Taeyeon opened the passenger door for Juhyun and let her in. One of the fans was standing at
her elbow. Her head pounded suddenly. She slammed the door.
Do you all want to get run over, she said softly, edgily. She rounded the car and opened the
drivers side door.
Are you going to Jessicas? one of the fans asked politely.
Usually she ignored them. Tonight the anxiety was scraping at the self-control she had
worked years to build up. She rolled her eyes, spat, Dont you already know? and then
climbed into the car, slamming the door after herself. With a roar of the engine, she peeled
out of the parking garage, not bothering to make sure she had cleared them from in front of
the car. Undoubtedly they would follow. Undoubtedly a group of them were already waiting
at Jessicas for her. She growled unintelligibly under her breath as she eased her car out into
the Seoul traffic.
Juhyun put one cool hand on the side of Taeyeons neck. Unni, take it easy. They just want
to rile you up.
Why is it me.
All of the other girls had stalker fans who occasionally followed them, showed up at their
apartments in the hopes of seeing them, or followed them to various filming and schedules,
but she was the only one with a dedicated group that followed her every move. She couldnt
sneeze without one of them offering her a tissue, appearing from behind some circumspect
hiding space. One had cornered her in a public bathroom once.
I dont know, Juhyun said thoughtfully. You must have done something to encourage their
behavior
Taeyeons eyes narrowed. She changed lanes abruptly because there was a taxi behind her.
She knew. So its my fault then, she said bitterly. Her tone held a hint of defensiveness and

reproof but she smiled because, in all things, she didnt want to hurt Juhyun.
No, Juhyun said delicately. She paused. But maybe you should consider the impression
you give them.
Taeyeon was silent as she maneuvered her car through Friday night central Seoul traffic.
Perhaps it was sheer willfulness, but she had no idea what Juhyun meant. Of the nine of them,
Taeyeon was the most stand-offish with fans; she was known for it, actually, and had often
seen fans discussing it on the internet. She had worked hard to train the fans into
understanding that there was a distinct line between acceptable fan behavior and unacceptable
fan behavior. She went out of her way to be kind and approachable during public fan events
like fan meetings, signings, concerts, show tapings. The moment a fan overstepped their
bounds and inched into her private life, she was quick to change her attitude toward them.
She had done this for years and as such had developed a reputation for her hot/cold behavior
among fans. For that reason alone, she could not understand what compelled these girls to
follow her around. Certainly they knew that the moment they had started, she had
immediately begun to hate them. Why her, of all people? Many of the other members were
far more indulgent toward disrespectful fans. Why not them?
She realized with a start that she was fuming heavily, exhaling angrily out of her nose just
like Juhyun did when she was angry. For her part, Juhyun was looking at her softly out of the
side of her eyes.
Relax, unni.
Usually Taeyeon hated being told to relax. She disliked any blatant dismissal of her feelings.
But Juhyun was an exception; Juhyun got away with a lot around her. It was impossible to be
angry at Juhyun.
She exhaled, letting the tension melt out of her body. Traffic had slowed to a crawl.
Ah. Juhyun looked at her phone. Its Hyoyeon unni.
Mmm. She tried to get into the right lane for her upcoming exit. Whatd she say?
Hurry up, were waiting on you two and Im impatient asas heck. Juhyun pursed her
lips. Taeyeon doubted Hyoyeons text had been that mild.
What? she snapped. Coming from Dobong is a piece of cake, so of course you got there
before us, try navigating traffic out of Yeouido, see how you fu
Unni, Juhyun said mildly, eyebrows raised.
Taeyeon sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night.
Juhyun put her phone away. Are you anxious about seeing Tiffany unni?
Taeyeon chuckled dryly. Juhyun really didnt beat around the bush. It was surprising, though,
since the magnae was not usually the prying type. Taeyeon gave it some thought before
answering.

Not anxious, really.

Excited?
Well.
Well?
Its somewhere between there. She breathed. She didnt dare turn her head to make eye
contact with Juhyun; she could feel the sympathetic, pitying gaze. That was how they all
looked at her when it came to Tiffany. Pity. Oh you poor languishing thing. She clicked her
tongue impatiently.
Look at it professionally, Juhyun suggested. Doesnt that make it easier? Instead of
thinking about Just think about how we can start on another group album, unni.
Right, Taeyeon agreed, feeling like a robot. Human mode disabled. Leader mode enabled.
Work, work, work; the sum of nine parts was a pop album with sweat and tears in it. There
was no feeling or desire in it. It was easier that way.

Jessica and Tiffanys apartment was four flights up. Taeyeon had unconsciously dragged her
feet, but Juhyun was a slow walker anyway. Jessica had called through the buzzer that the
door was open; they knocked twice before opening it. Beyond the threshold, the pressing
milieu of the past ten years of her life hit her, wrapped itself around her, swept into her lungs
and pinned her to the floor.
When the nine of them got together, it was loud. Suffocating. Irrepressible.
Beautiful.
Taeyeon prided herself on a lack of soppy emotion when it came to things like this, but
occasionally it was okay to admit it.
Took you long enough, Jessica complained, taking their coats at the door. They slipped out
of their shoes. Yoona, Hyoyeon, and Yuri were gathered around the television, which was set
to a low murmur, talking loudly about the news broadcast. Sunkyu was in the adjoining
kitchen, counting utensils and arguing with Sooyoung, who was holding two bottles of beer
for no discernible reason, except perhaps that Sooyoung really liked beer, which Taeyeon
guessed was actually a very discernible reason.
We had to stop for stomach medicine, Taeyeon explained, when I heard you were
cooking.
Jessica punched her in the arm, hard. Jackass. I ordered in.
Oh, thank god.

Wheres Tiffany unni? Juhyun asked, helping Jessica hang up their coats in the front closet.
The back of Taeyeons neck prickled uncomfortably.
Outside. Jessica gestured with her head toward the back door, beyond which lay the
balcony. Smoking.
Juhyun wrinkled her nose. Is she back to that?
Somehow picked it up in L.A. again, Jessica said with a shrug. Im going to get her to
quit. Her eyes scanned over to Taeyeon, meeting her gaze and locking it. So youre alive,
huh.
Taeyeon smiled faintly, looking down at herself for a moment. Seems so.
Jessica rolled her eyes. With an impatient head shake she grabbed Taeyeon by the shoulders
and hugged her tightly. Jerk. Answer my texts sometimes, okay?
Okay. Her tone was soft as she relaxed in Jessicas arms. Jessica gave good hugs. It was
difficult for Taeyeon, who could only pat her awkwardly on the back in response, to feel as
though she even deserved them. They were warm and honesteverything Taeyeon wasnt.
She sighed. Im sorry. Ive been
Busy, Jessica finished with a laugh and as she pulled away, Taeyeon could see her rolling
her eyes again. I know.
Then she said, Juhyun and reached past her to pull the youngest into a hug but at that
moment the back door slid open and a rush of cold air accompanied the most breathtaking
person Taeyeon had ever laid eyes on. Her stomach fell. She was going to be sick.
Tiffany unni! Juhyun cried and Tiffany turned, her dark hair moving around her face in
slow motion, perfect white teeth flashed in accordance with two upturned eyes. Taeyeon
choked on a gasping breath; it was stupid, it was dramatic, it was like she was fifteen years
old again.
Juhyunnie, Tiffany said warmly, striding across the apartment to wrap Juhyun in a hug and
her proximity nearly knocked Taeyeon off her feet; if Jessica hadnt been standing right
beside her, holding her up with sheer force of magnetic will, Taeyeon wondered if she
mightve collapsed.
Juhyun was released and Taeyeons best friend turned to her, smiling so refreshingly sweet
and forgivingthere was no bitterness, no condemnationand put her arms around Taeyeon.
I missed you, TaeTae.
Taeyeon breathed in, holding onto Tiffany with one arm. She kept the other pressed immobile
to her side, knowing that if she risked to wrap it around Tiffanys warm, lithe figure that she
would be rendered incapable of letting go. She breathed in.
You smell awful, she lied, mumbling into Tiffanys hair. The smell of cigarette smoke

clung to her. It was usually enough to nauseate Taeyeon, but this was Tiffany, and there was
nothing about Tiffany that each of Taeyeons five senses didnt find perfect. She swallowed
hard; with one hand, Tiffany hit her back playfully.
Jerk. There was a smile in her tone. Cant you just say you missed me?
She pulled away and couldnt help but fall into Tiffanys eyes, liquid brown and hypnotizing.
I missed you.
Tiffany grinned. Me too. She looked over her shoulder and then suddenly Taeyeon was
reminded that not all of her senses found Tiffanys Everything perfect, as Tiffany shouted in
that way-too-loud voice: Yeah! Is the food here yet?
She smiled briefly at Taeyeon, squeezed her hand, and then walked off to harass Sunkyu.
Juhyun followed along behind her (probably not with any intentions of harassment). Taeyeon
watched her. Her insides felt numb. Once again her skin tingled, seemed at once on fire with
the need to press against a mattress, feel skin around her thighs, a tongue in her mouth. She
felt helpless and could not understand why.
Jessica wrapped an arm around her shoulder tightly. Her lips pressed briefly against
Taeyeons temple. Taeyeon knew without looking that Jessicas gaze was probably saturated
in pity. Just like all the rest.
Come on, baby, Jessica murmured in her ear, pulling her bodily toward the kitchen. I
bought your favorite wine.
Taeyeon exhaled, long and measured. Yes. She would need wine.

Stephanie Hwang was a living angel with a halo behind her head.
Taeyeon smiled at her drowsily.
It was not a halo actually just a white pillow on Jessicas white couch but it meant the same
thing, deep down.
Hello, she said, and there was a moment when Tiffanys smile was so blinding white, so
naturally pure, that Taeyeon worried her headache would come back.
Hello. Tiffanys voice, Tiffanys voice, so low, so raspy, so very much the greatest thing to
ever happen to Taeyeons ears. Taeyeon leaned in, pressed her body close. Tiffanys body
hummed, vibrated. Warm. Buzzing.
Youre drunk, Tiffany said softly.

Mmm, Taeyeon agreed. She had Tiffany pinned to the couch. She could make love to
Tiffany on this couch. With all of these people watching. She didnt care. If Tiffany said the
word, she would. All she needed was the smallest bit of encouragement and she would press
Tiffany against the yielding couch cushions, put her mouth on every centimeter of flawless
skin, skin that she had dreamt about. She would draw her own name from Tiffanys lips,
make her tremble with want the way she had for years and years. And they would watch and
maybe they would stop pitying her.
Tiffany giggled softly, brushing Taeyeons bangs off her forehead. She didnt seem to mind
being pressed against the couch like this. Her legs had even opened for Taeyeon, and
Taeyeon swallowed hard, pressed herself between Tiffanys legs and wanted her with her
whole being.
I thought you were going to grow your bangs out, Tiffany commented.
I will if you want me to, she said candidly. Id do anything you wanted.
Tiffany laughed outright. Noooo, I just expected to come back after three months and youd
be showing that sexy forehead of yours.
She looked into Tiffanys eyes. They were eyes you could look into for the rest of your life.
Music was her life, her passion, but she would give it up just to stare into Tiffanys eyes for
her entire life. With permission. Always with permission.
I missed you. The words tasted bitter on her tongue but she meant them sweetly, sincerely.
Looking at Tiffany day in and day out was painful, but it was the good kind of pain, the
aching pain like long nails scratching her back, or the bitter acidic burn of hard liquor
clearing her throat. Good pain, pain she longed for.
Tiffanys smile was soft. Sad? I missed you, too.
Why didnt you call. Her voice felt faraway. Rough. She had drank too much. As usual.
Would you have answered?
She wasnt sure. Yes. Yes.
Taeyeon, youre drunk. It was Sooyoung. She was pulling Taeyeons arm. She was trying
to take Taeyeon away from Tiffany. She wrenched her arm away, snuggled into Tiffanys
embrace. Tiffany accepted her. Her arms came around Taeyeons back. She put her head in
the crook of Tiffanys neck, where it didnt smell like cigarette smoke, it smelled like a girl
she had met at fifteen years old and promptly fallen in love with.

Wanna stay.
Its okay, she heard Tiffany say. I got her.
Sooyoung lingered by them. Sooyoung was drunk, too, yet Taeyeon was sure she was
looking down at her with pity. Are you really okay? Shes
Its fine, Tiffany said lightly. They talked about her like she wasnt there. Taeyeon was a
problem that the members had to deal with sometimes. Someone should check on Taeyeon.
Have you heard from Taeyeon. Does Taeyeon know about this. When Taeyeon finds out she
will be upset. Did Taeyeon say anything to you. Did Taeyeon do anything to you. Did
Taeyeon hurt you. The problem the problem the problem was Taeyeon.
She felt like crying. She pressed herself into Tiffany. It was the closest she would ever get.
Tiffany would never love her like she loved Tiffany but at least Tiffany didnt hate her for it,
at least Tiffany wasnt disgusted, or afraid. Or concerned. Concern was the worst. There were
few phrases she disliked more than Taeyeon Im concerned.
I am drunk, Taeyeon announced suddenly. She felt she should be upfront with Tiffany,
who was so pure and good. Then she felt self-conscious. Dont take me seriously, Im
drunk.
Yes, baby, I know youre drunk, Tiffany said. She was smiling. She was so pretty.
Youre so pretty.
Tiffany laughed.
I love you.
Another laugh. She lifted Taeyeons bangs off her forehead again. Love you, too.
If only unni was this affectionate sober, Yoona commented. Where had Yoona come from.
Yoona was drunk. Yoona was a lousy drunk.
Go away, Yoona, Taeyeon said eloquently and Yoona laughed that great laugh, that great
Yoona laugh that was so much more Yoona when Yoona was drunk.
She looked down, and then she looked up. Jessica and Tiffanys apartment, quiet with the
comforting volume; the eight people she loved most in the world, maybe, although she would
never say it. When Tiffany had said, three months ago, that she needed a break and was going
to head back home to California to sort out her head, none of them had suspected it would
last as long as it didand yet none of them had really expected her to come back. It wasnt

that they thought she wouldntit was just too difficult to have expectations.
Eight years ago they had been shoved out on a stage and forced to be a group, and so
sometimes they wondered if they were forced to be a family, too.
Taeyeon did, sometimes. She wondered sometimes if she loved the group because she loved
them, or if she loved them because she had to. But that night, pressed against her best friend,
the girl she loved, and surrounded by the group members that she needed like air, she thought
it wasnt an obligation, really. It was love, in a pure, drunk, beautiful kind of way.

chapter three

The light had faded. She wasnt sure if she had fallen asleep, but the next time she came to,
the apartment was significantly quieter, darker, and Tiffany was attempting to extricate
herself from underneath Taeyeons body. The living room was dark. They were alone.
Where are you going, she mumbled. She tightened her grip around Tiffanys waist.
Just
Trying to get away from me, Taeyeon mumbled. She looked blearily at Tiffany. So pretty.
Are you afraid of me?
Tiffany gazed at her. Her expression was soft. Not at all. Never.
I would never hurt you.
TaeTae, I know that.
Her stomach lurched and fluttered. She loosened her grip a little.
I have to pee, Tiffany told her. She let her go and rolled over, burying her face in the couch
pillow.
Where is everyone?
They went home. She opened one eye. Tiffanys legs. The curve of her knee. She reached
out with one finger and touched her, lightly. Jessi said it would be better if you stayed the
night here.
Mmm. Can I sleep with you.
Tiffany laughed and ruffled her hair. Youre a pervert. Ill be right back. Go drink some
water.
She did stagger into the kitchen and drank glass after glass of water. She tried to relax. Her
mind felt fuzzy, pleasantly blurry, but she wanted to remember how the evening had gone.
They had eaten dinner after the food had arrived. She hadnt eaten muchperhaps that was
why she had gotten so drunkbut she had looked at Tiffany from across the table and that
had been enough. They had discussed the next group album and had decided to meet with
their producer within the next week. They had discussed concepts, song ideas. They were
excited about it. Their sixth full-length album. It felt like it was a long-time coming, even if it
really wasnt.
When Tiffany talked about L.A. her eyes lit up. Taeyeon was sure she had a boyfriend. She

was sure of it. She had drank a lot of wine to dull the ache.
Tiffany came back. She leaned against the kitchen door and watched Taeyeon drinking water.
Taeyeon put the glass down. You gained a lot of weight.
Tiffany shoved her. Youre such an ass, oh my god.
Speaking of asses, yours is looking
She shoved her again. Jerk.
Taeyeon gazed at her. She wanted to say something but could not make herself. Jessica came
in then, dressed for bed. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.
Does Taengoo need blankets and pillows or are you going to grab some for her? she asked
Tiffany.
Tiffany shrugged. She can sleep in my bed.
Jessica looked at her. Her expression was very serious. Taeyeon stiffened.
Are you Jessica began, but Taeyeon pushed past both of them on the way back to the
living room.
Ill sleep on the couch.
Then Tiffany, who didnt know how to whisper properly, said in a hushed tone, Stop making
her feel bad.
I just dont want you to be uncomfortable
Its fine
Taeyeon pulled off her jeans and collapsed onto the couch again. Jessica came in and kissed
her forehead. She put a water bottle on the table next to the couch.
Love you, Taengoo. Let me know if you need anything.
Dont want you to be uncomfortable, Taeyeon retorted, but regretted it the moment she saw
Jessicas face fall. It wasnt Jessicas fault she was like this. It was her fault, everything was
her own fault. She shouldve fallen in love with someone else. She grabbed Jessicas wrist.
Love you, too.
Tiffany had gone into her room and came back with a blanket and a pillow. Jessica went to
bed. Tiffany lifted Taeyeons bangs off her forehead again. Taeyeon gazed up at her. She
thought her expression was probably not dissimilar to worship. Other people looked up to the
heavens for comfort, but Taeyeon needed only to look up to Tiffany.
You can come sleep with me, Tiffany said, but Taeyeon took the pillow and blanket

anyway.
You dont know what Ill do to you in your sleep.
Tiffany chuckled. She put her hand on Taeyeons cheek. Absolutely nothing. Because you
would never hurt me. Good-night.
She tried to get comfortable on the couch but it was difficult and she felt guilt and her head
was killing her.

There was no glamor to waking up alone, either.

She groaned and rolled over. Her neck and upper back were both stiff. The three of them had
been too drunk the previous night to think about closing the curtains in the living room.
Without opening her eyes Taeyeon knew just how much light was threatening to split through
and make the pounding in her head worse.
She blinked slowly. Slept with her contacts in, again. A groan slipped past her lips.
Taengoo. Jessica slapped her butt. Rise and shine.
Taeyeon screwed her eyes shut. There was nothing worse than being woken up by Jessica,
who had perfected the art of waking people up in the most obnoxious ways possible, mostly
in retaliation of all the years they had all spent attempting various methods on her.
What time is it. Her voice sounded as rough as it felt.
A little after eleven, Jessica chirped. Jessica was awful because Jessica never got hungover.
Not only was she a charming, happy, clingy drunk, but she never got hungover. Taeyeon
hated her. Or would, if she could.
Ugh. She rolled onto her back. On the table next to the couch was a glass of water and a
bottle of pain medicine. Sitting up, she tipped the bottle into her mouth and washed down the
pills with water.
Thats more than the recommended dosage, Jessica said thoughtfully. She sat on the table,
crossing her legs primly.
Taeyeon closed her eyes, massaging the bridge of her nose. Youre more than the
recommended dosage. What did I do last night.
Got drunk.
Obviously, Taeyeon retorted.
And didnt wake up with a strange girl, for once.

Youre pretty strange.

Jessica grinned. She moved to sit behind Taeyeon and then massaged her temples gingerly.
Taeyeon leaned back into her touch.
You just clung to Tiffany all night and whined about how much you loved her.
Taeyeon cringed. She could actually feel her head throbbing.
So nothing unusual then, she said bitterly.
Nope, run-of-the-mill drunk Taengoo, Jessica said softly. How are you?
What do you mean? Jessica remained silent, gently massaging her head. It felt good.
Taeyeon sighed. Its a little hard to see her. But
But?
But. As hard as it is, its a lot harder to not see her. She frowned. Does that make sense.
Yeah. Jessica kissed the back of her head. I love you, Taengoo.
Taeyeons skin felt prickly. Mmm, she agreed. She knew Jessica wouldnt expect her to
say it back. Not sober. It wasnt in her personality.
I just want you to be happy.
Taeyeon thought about it for a long time. I am happy, she lied. She felt Jessicas arms wrap
around her shoulders from behind, felt her press another kiss to the back of her head. She
could tell Jessica didnt believe her. Jessica, like the rest of them, pitied her.
But all she said was Okay, and then she stood and headed toward the bathroom to shower,
mumbling something about having to meet unni for a late breakfast. Taeyeon released an
unstrung sigh and fell back on the couch, nursing a pounding headache. She was beginning to
forget what a head that wasnt pounding and throbbing painfully even felt like.
She felt a weight on her shoulder and when she opened her eyes she found Tiffany nestled
against her side, eyes closed. Her hair was a mess and her face was lined with sleep. Taeyeon
shifted as gently as she could to make room for her best friend.
Good morning, Tiffany mumbled sleepily.
Morning. She cleared her throat. The discomfort was throbbing in her veins. About last
night
Mmm.
Sorry I well
For what?

For
Shhhh, Tiffany hissed and she flung an arm around Taeyeons waist. Lets sleep.

The next time she woke up the headache was a little better but the dryness in her mouth was a
million times worse, the couch was cold and uncomfortable, and she was alone. She
wandered into the kitchen to drink water. She liked looking at all the magnets and pictures
and notes Jessica and Tiffany had collected on their refrigerator. She liked Jessica and
Tiffanys apartment a lot. When the lease on their old dorm had ended and theyd decided to
move into their own apartments, Taeyeon hadnt actually expected the two of them to move
in together. She knew, of course, how close they were, but they argued so often she hadnt
expected it. They were a nice fit, though.
Hyoyeon and Juhyun moving in together had made less sense, even, although they had been
roommates at their old dorm. Taeyeon could never quite figure out how the two had managed
to fit together so well; in a lot of ways they seemed like polar opposites. Juhyun was straightlaced, neat, meticulous, organizedHyoyeon was none of that. Yet they fit together so well;
Juhyun cleaned up Hyoyeons messes while Hyoyeon forced the straight-laced magnae to be
a bit more flexible, an accomplishment the rest of the group had been attempting to achieve
for years. Somehow, despite their differences, they were perfect as roommates.
Taeyeon supposed that, in a way, the trio of Yuri, Sooyoung, and Yoona were technically
also perfect as roommates, although she was loath to admit it. When they had announced that
they would be springing for a bigger apartment so that the three of them could live together,
her initial response had been, Is it really safe to put so many stupid people under one roof?
They were bad enough on their own, but if you put any of them together you wound up with a
chemical compound of so much immature jackassery it shouldve been illegalTaeyeon
thought this lovingly, of course. Still, they somehow worked as roommates, perhaps mostly
because it was better to confine their stupidity to one place rather than scattering it about
SeoulTaeyeon thought this lovingly, too, of course.
She and Sunkyu had considered moving in together but they both knew it wouldnt happen.
Certainly Sunkyu was the member she confided in the most, the member she was incredibly
close to, and they had lived comfortably as roommates for many years, but Sunkyu knew
better than most people how much of a loner Taeyeon was. And she had wanted to be with
her family, who lived in Seoul anyway. She had moved back home with them while Taeyeon
had gone out of her way to get a small apartment out of Gangnam, where the rest of the girls
were livingit wasnt terrifically far, just far enough to give her an excuse to decline
invitations when she just wasnt in the mood for socializing. It was nothing against them; it
was just her nature. She preferred isolation and had already lived many years surrounded by
them.
There had been rumors on the internet, at the time, that there must have been rifts in Girls
Generations friendships if leader Taeyeon was living alone, but no one had ever understood
Girls Generation except Girls Generation.

The balcony door opened then and Tiffany came in from outside. She was showered and
dressed but now she smelled like cigarette smoke
You better quit, Taeyeon said. She leaned against the counter and drank water.
Tiffany smirked. Yeah, or youll do what?
A frown settled on Taeyeons lips. She decided not to rise to the bait. Come on. I thought
you quit.
I did, she replied, but I started again while I was in L.A., and
Its bad for you, it smells, and were going to be working on our comeback, so your throat
and lungs need to be in excellent shape.
Oh, so this is an order from the team leader?
Taeyeon looked at her. No. Its a request. From your best friend.
Tiffanys smile was beautiful. All right.
Thank you.
Tiffany brushed past her to open up the refrigerator. She did smell like cigarette smoke but
she also smelled good, clean. It stuck hard in Taeyeons throat and became difficult to
swallow. She closed her eyes. The ache in her head had dulled to a steady, humming throb.
Easier to ignore.
Do you have somewhere to be? Tiffany sounded hesitant. Or can you stick around.
She wanted very badly to lie to her best friend and make a hasty getaway. She could only
handle so much closeness for so long before the proximity began to drive her insane. But it
had been three months. And the earnestness in Tiffanys tone made her insides feel soft.
Tiffany wanted her there.
She paused. I dont have anywhere to be, she said. Do you want breakfast?
That smile again. Her entire body throbbed just looking at it. Yes, please.
Okay, Taeyeon said, looking in the refrigerator over Tiffanys shoulder. I guess Ill
make you a western-style breakfast or
Tiffanys hand wrapped securely around her elbow. She looked into Taeyeons eyes. Ive
been eating western food for the last three months, she admitted. I kind of missed your
Korean food.
Taeyeon nodded, numb. Kimchi fried rice, it is.

They stood at the counter and ate from the pan. Drinking water and eating made Taeyeons
headache slip through her skull and disappear. Things felt like old times, suddenly. They
leaned against the counter and caught up, trading stories of what they had done over the past
three months. This space, where their words met and brushed against each other, the depths
of Tiffanys rolling, throaty tone, the familiar entwining of their laughterthis was where
Taeyeon felt the most at home. Tiffanys crescent-shaped eyes and her perfect white teeth,
the soft skin along her cheekbone. This was home. She had her best friend back.
So were you with your dad the entire time?
Noooo, Tiffany intoned, laughing. I mostly stayed with unni and her husband. I saw
Daddy a lot butI dont know, if I spent the entirety of three months around him Id
probably go crazy.
Mmm, maybe, Taeyeon agreed. She scraped the bottom of the pan. Or youd realize you
didnt want to come back.
It was a big part of why she rarely stayed with her parents for more than a few weeks at a
time. If she stayed too long, let Jeonju get back into her bloodstream, would she want to come
back to Seoul, to this complicated life with people she loved and a job she couldnt live
without and the hollow misery and/or happiness of the past eleven years of her life? Would
she start weighing the pros and cons, an activity she had avoided for years, and come up with
the realization that it, this life, wasnt for her? She was terrified to find out.
Tiffany was silent for a long moment. Perhaps, like Taeyeon, she was trying to piece it
together, too.
No, she said at last. Id come back, no matter what. This is my home. My real home.
Taeyeon tried not to let on how surprised Tiffanys confession made her. Neither of them had
ever admitted to thinking of Seoul as home. It was easy to circumvent the depth of the
conversationhome is where the heart is or home is where your family iswhich meant that
home was both places. But Tiffany had never admitted to thinking of Seoul as her real home.
Taeyeon ran the pan under the water and rolled up her sleeves to scrub it.
I guess its mine, too, she said quietly, thoughtfully.
It better be. Tiffanys tone sounded like it was struggling to remain light, casual. Your
home should always be where I am. She smiled.
Taeyeon frowned, scrubbing the sponge against the sticky sauce in the pan. Always? But
youll find someone else.

She said it with the kind of frank openness that being in love with one person for the better
part of your life would bring someone. She had long accepted it. Tiffany would find a person
who wasnt her, and she would love them and marry them. She, Taeyeon, would remain in
the wings, watching but not watching, alone but pretending not to be. She had accepted it,
and it was not quite as melancholy as words made it out to be.
Tiffany made coffee.
Maybe Ill find someone else, but Ill only ever have one TaeTae.
Her stomach felt very strange in response.
Speaking of having you, Tiffany went on and Taeyeons stomach somersaulted in turn; her
eyes caught Tiffanys twinkling mischievous eyes and she swallowed hard.
Having me?
Jessi told me you have a girlfriend. Tiffany grinned but Taeyeon snorted, rolling her eyes
back to her work. She let the soap suds creep up her wrists.
You know I dont do relationships.
Yeah, but Jessi said
Jessica is too deep into her own relationship to be able to comprehend other peoples,
Taeyeon retorted. She rinsed furiously. I dont do relationships.
Tiffany smirked. It was maddening. Jessica seemed pretty certain that you were seeing one
girl more than any other girls.
That doesnt make it a relationship.
She clapped her hands gleefully. Oh my god, you are!
Taeyeon shut off the water. For some reason a tension headache was building behind her ears.
She swallowed around the confusion in her throat and set the pan on the drying rack. Tiffany
was still smiling gleefully at her.
So whats her name? Do I know her? Jessi says shes the coordinator for Soojungs group.
Taeyeon sighed. Tiffany was not going to give up.
Kang Hyejin and I dont know if you know her.

Did she ever work for us?

Why are you so nosy? Her eyes narrowed, partly in suspicion, but also in an attempt to
ward off the sharp pain of another headache.
Because! she whined. She handed Taeyeon a towel to wipe her hands with. You dating
someone is a big deal.
Im not dating her.
But you knew who I was talking about when I said you were dating someone, so you admit
that theres something unique about your relationship with her. Is she pretty?
Obviously shes pretty, Taeyeon said stiffly.
How old is she?
Our age. Why are you asking so many questions?
I cant be excited that my best friend has a hot girlfriend?
Shes not my girlfriend and who said shes hot?
Tiffany laughed outright. Well, if Kim Sleeps-With-A-Different-Girl-Every-Night Taeyeon
is going back to the same girl over and over again she must be pretty hot.
Youre just as annoying as Jessica, Taeyeon grumbled. Her ears felt hot. The headache
clenched around the base of her skull.
Can I meet her?
Taeyeon was about to lose her temper. She knew that Tiffany probably realized this; Tiffany
knew her better than anyone and knew her limits, her buttons, and how to push them. Her
mounting annoyance seemed to only bring Tiffany delight. The most annoying thing was that
Tiffany was so annoyingly pretty when she was amused like this. It staved off her anger
temporarily.
No.
Why not?
Do I have to introduce you to every girl I sleep with?

I dont think my brain has the capacity to deal with that many people, Tiffany commented
wryly, but if this ones your girlfriend, then yes, you have to introduce me.
She is not my girlfriend. I see her sometimes. I see a lot of people.
Yeah, but do you see all of them more than once?
Taeyeon remained silent. Tiffany had a point, even if she didnt get it.
Tiffany clapped again. Oh my god, this is so exciting. Ive been waiting for you to settle
down and get a girlfriend.
A pause. Tiffanys enthusiasm made her feel queasy. Why? she asked softly, but she
thought she knew the answer.
Because. Youre my best friend. And I want you to find someone who will make you happy.
Or, thought Taeyeon as she studied Tiffanys face silently, impassively, you want me to get
over you so that you can stop feeling guilty all the time. You want me to find someone else,
so I can forget about you, and you can stop pitying me, worrying about me, fearing me.
She released a sigh that stuck in her lungs a bit, forgetting to relieve her of any of the pressure
that had built up. Im gonna go.
Tiffany walked her to the door. Dont forget about dinner.
Dinner?
You promised to have dinner with me tonight.
I did?
Yeah, you promised last night.
Taeyeon slipped into her shoes, grumbling. You took advantage of me while I was drunk?
You wish, Tiffany shot back, eyebrows raised. Taeyeon coughed quietly, embarrassed.
There are worse things than having dinner with me, she reminded Taeyeon teasingly.
Yeah? Taeyeon checked the time on her phone and then shoved it in her back pocket. Ill
try to think of some. Give me a call when youre ready.
Tiffany smoothed Taeyeons hair across her forehead and tucked it behind her ear.

Wordlessly, she closed the door. Outside it was cold as hell but Taeyeons skin was burning.
It had burned for more than ten years now.

chapter four
(2004)

Later, Kim Taeyeon will attempt to romanticize it and call it love at first sight. Its not
conscious dissimulation; its the frivolous imaginings of a mind streaked with teenage love.
Later, she can only recall the feeling in her stomach, the butterflies that burst into busy
activity and then settle down just as quickly as they come. Later, she will fantasize that there
were sparks when they first touched, when Stephanie Hwangs tan, warm hand grabbed hers
and she shook it enthusiastically. She will fantasize that the world fell away and there was
just the two of them and that she was fifteen years old and in love.
Presently, though, her first thought is that Stephanie Hwang is too fat and hopes that shes
fatter than her, Taeyeon, who felt the fattest of all the trainees. It is the sort of teenage
insecurity that has come crashing down around her shoulders without warning; back in Jeonju,
it didnt feel this way. People in Seoul are thin, beautiful, talented. At least she thinks so.
She thinks, with frustration, that the companys lack of organization is probably intentional,
to jerk them around, to keep them in their place. She has been with SM Entertainment for
barely four months and already she feels jaded, cynical. She has jumped through numerous
hoops and all she wants is to sing. She thinks this quietly, staring into the dark pools of
Stephanies eyes. The only indication shes received that she will have a new roommate is
another one of the girls in the dorm, earlier that morning, saying there had been a message on
the machine that another trainee would be joining them in the hostel and that they should
make room. Taeyeons room is the only one still unfilled; the hostel is full to brimming now,
sevennow eightgirls of various ages all under one roof, sevennow eightgirls with

nearly identical schedules, sevennow eightgirls with the same industrious rawness in
their eyes, exhaustion in their bones, tension in their muscles.
The other trainee, whose name Taeyeon still hasnt memorized, because she isnt in the same
practice group as Taeyeon and there are too many names to learn anyway, had told her to
make room for the new girl and she had, moderately. She has little in the way of possessions,
truthfully, and feels barely moved in herself.
When she comes back from practice that night, sore and aching, the tan girl with dyed blonde
hair is in her room, looking at the framed pictures of Taeyeons family on the wardrobe.
Taeyeon sets her backpack down on the floor with a thud and the girl turns. She is chubby.
Her eyes disappear completely and her smile is bright, magnetic, and Taeyeon feels herself
smiling back unconsciously as the girl dips down in a low bow.
Hello! she greets excitedly and with one word Taeyeon can tell shes a foreigner, the
American accent in even her greeting unmistakeable. You must be Kim Taeyeon.
She bows as well. Yeah.
Taeyeon is not shy, although many take her to be so; she suspects Stephanie Hwang thinks so
too when she doesnt ask for her name, but its not in Taeyeons nature to prod answers out
of people if they dont give it up in the first place.
The bright smile falters, but only slightly. Im Stephanie. Hwang. Stephanie. Im from
California.
Nice to meet you. She smiles but it hurts her cheeks. She looks down.
Stephanie looks at her expectantly.
Im going to shower, Taeyeon says, and the communication is broken.
She showers. When she comes out, Stephanie showers, and Taeyeon does homework in the
meantime. She is in bed, lights out, before Stephanie finishes her shower. In the morning, she
leaves for school before Stephanie is awake. They spend the next week seeing each other
seldom, if at all. They only share the large dance class together at SM. At home they eat
separately, do homework separately. It is a vague, tiring routine.
She thinks, often, that Stephanie is very pretty, but she thinks many people are pretty, and the
thoughts are drowned out by thoughts of school, training, school, training, school, training,
losing weight, mom, dad, oppa, Hayeon, the crushing loneliness. There is too much. Her
mind feels compacted. When the thoughts of Stephanie come, sometimes forcefully,
demanding, she pushes them out and resolves to think about them tomorrow.
What shes avoiding thoughts of, really, she doesnt know. She just knows it feels better if
she doesnt think about it.

Taeyeon sshi. Are you done?

Its the weekend. Taeyeon is eating. Stephanie is doing the sink full of dishes left behind by
their various roommates.
Taeyeon looks down at her bowl. Mmm. She holds it tight in her hand as Stephanie
attempts to take it from her.
Ill do it, Stephanie says kindly. Her speech is funny. Its not even that the pronunciation is
pooralthough it isbut that she says everything with such a short tongue. Its cute.
No, Taeyeon says. She stands. Why did you do this whole sink full of dishes? You
shouldve left them to be cleaned up by whoever dirtied them.
I just want to be useful.
Taeyeon frowns. You have just as much use as anyone else, she says stonily, rinsing her
bowl. This is as complicated and lengthy as their conversations get. She feels like Stephanie
walks on eggshells around her. She has taken more quickly to the other roommates, the other
trainees.
Stephanie is about to leave, so Taeyeon says, Stephanie sshi.
Stephanie stops. Already she is becoming paler, thinks Taeyeon, and shes only been out of
California for a few weeks now. Isnt that funny.
What year were you born?
1989. You?
Taeyeon smiles. Oh. Were the same age.
Stephanies eyes widen. Taeyeon cant help but bristle at the surprise, but shes used to it.
She is growing slowly, but theres still time; shes only fifteen.
Really? Stephanie says excitedly. Lets be friends, then.
Okay.
Okay, Taeyeon-ah?
It sounds cute from her, somehow, and Taeyeon looks down busily into the soap suds spilling
out of her bowl. Y-yes Stephanieyah
Stephanie giggles. This is cute, too. Taeyeons cheeks feel very warm.
Since were friends, Ill teach you how to say my name, okay? Ste-pha-nie. Okay?
She nods numbly, not daring to repeat it back. She knows she will get it wrong. The F sound

is difficult on its own, never mind adding junk before and after it. But Stephanie is looking at
her expectantly, so she mumbles out the name quickly, hoping that itll suffice.
Stephanie shakes her head and repeats: Ste-pha-nie
Its too long, Taeyeon says hotly. She sets the bowl on the drying rack. Whats your
Korean name?
Now Stephanie blushes. The pink against the tan of her cheeks is oddly mesmerizing. Shes
pretty, Taeyeon thinks and then thinks it again before she can make herself un-think it. Shes
pretty.
Not telling, Stephanie says.
Well
She tries to brush past Stephanie out the door but Stephanie moves her body forward, swings
into Taeyeons personal space, and there is little she can do to stop herself from bumping
bodily into Stephanie. Her body feels warm. She is radiating warmth. Taeyeons ears feel hot.
Her throat closes up.
How about this? Stephanie is too close. Her voice is very loud, rough. Yet melodic.
Taeyeon feels like she cant breathe. How about just the last two syllables. Pha-nie. Ffffff.
Fany.
Pany, Taeyeon attempts and the smile Stephanie bestows on her is so beautiful she has to
step backward.
Close enough, Stephanie says.

A few nights later she watches from her bed, in the dimness of the dark moonlit bedroom, as
Stephanie comes out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. She is unable to sleep that night. She
thinks its probably the moonlight, which can make anything look beautiful, irresistible. She
thinks it might just be that the curve where shoulder meets neck might be beautiful on anyone,
and she theorizes that there is nothing abnormal in thinking girls are beautiful, since doesnt it
seem as though girls were made to be beautiful? Its a resolution she has contented herself
with many times in the past; it was fine to notice how pretty girls were because that was the
point of girls. They were pretty. To notice that much wasnt weird; it was normal.
It doesnt help her go to sleep but it helps her through the next week, when Stephanie is near
and her skin looks smooth and sweet and her hair smells nice. It is not the first time she has
felt this way about a girl, but its certainly the most powerful.

Its when they have grown used to each other that Stephanie is transferred into her trainee

group, the sprawling cavalcade of girls unlovingly dubbed Girl Group. For the first time,
they spend the entirety of their practice together and leave at the same time. She waits with
something approaching impatience as Stephanie says goodbye to everyone, because
Stephanie is that kind of a person.
They head to the subway together.
Where are we going? Stephanie asks.
Subway.
Why?
Taeyeon blinks at her. To get home.
Oh! Stephanies eyes are wide like a puppys. You can take the subway home?
Of course. Taeyeon frowns. How have you been getting home?
Cab.
What, Taeyeon snaps and feels bad when Stephanie recoils at the sharpness of her tone.
Thats such a waste of money, Fany.
Stephanie scratches the back of her neck in a clumsy, anxious gesture that makes Taeyeons
stomach feel strange, fluttery. I didnt know how to use the subway, so
Oh man. Taeyeon sighs. Thats you shouldve said something
She teaches Stephanie how to use the subway system and her ears become red and stay red
because Stephanie is so impressed with her knowledge. She doesnt want to admit that she
really only learned how to ride the subway a few months ago herself, because shes a country
kid, and no, she isnt cool, theres really nothing cool about her, but Stephanie keeps smiling
and poking her arm and the truth is, she begins to feel sort of cool.
They decide to get dinner together. Taeyeon counts the money in her pocket with her fingers,
searching the streets for a place she thinks Stephanie would like. She knows Stephanie and
Sooyeon eat western food a lot. Western food never treats Taeyeons stomach well, and its
expensive, but her eyes seek out western restaurants anyway.
How about here? Stephanie takes her elbow and gestures and it is a long moment before
Taeyeons eyes can focus on anything except Stephanies warm hand wrapped around her
elbow. When she looks up, she sees that theyre at a noodle stand.
Here? Are you sure?
Yeah, why not? Its late and noodles are cheap
I figured youd want western food.

Stephanie shrugs. She waves her hands around frantically in the way that she does when her
Korean is failing her in an attempt to explain. They order noodles. The ajumma gives them a
lot because theyre the only customers and she says they look skinny. It makes them laugh
because it isnt something they hear often, not while training. Taeyeons eagerness to pay for
both of them somehow results in a skirmish; she is unable to think straight, batting away
Stephanies outstretched hand with half the money in it.
The way Stephanie eats noodles is cute. Slurp once, slurp twice, big gulp of water. Her
cheeks become round and her eyes disappear. Her mouth is mesmerizing.
Taeyeon dislikes the feeling mostly because she likes it too much.
Taeyeon-ah, mumbles Stephanie in her terrible Korean; she touches Taeyeons cheek with
one finger and Taeyeon has trouble swallowing. Air becomes stuck in her throat.
Hmm.
Im glad were in the same trainee group now. Her eyes disappear. Even though her mouth
is covered by the bowl shes lifted to her mouth, Taeyeon knows she is smiling. She has
memorized Stephanies smile. She can even see it when she closes her eyes.
Me too.
Even if one of us gets cycled out, or we dont debut together, oreveneven if one of us
doesnt debut Lets stick together, okay?
Taeyeon is surprised to feel how quickly her own mouth turns up into a smile. Okay.
Deal, okay?
Stephanie sticks out her pinkie. Something inside Taeyeon tells her that if she goes ahead
with this, she will never be able to look back. She hooks her pinkie around Stephanies,
touches their thumbs together, and falls head over heels.
Deal.

present
(2015)

Hey, whered you go?

Hyejin blinked up at her with sleepy concern. Taeyeon snapped her eyes back into focus; her
mind had wandered, as her mind was fond of doing. She smiled briefly, propping herself up
on her elbows as she looked down into Hyejins eyes.

Ah, I was just trying to gather my strength up for round three, she said with a grin.
Technically round four. Hyejin stretched beneath her, her soft skin pressed against her own.
You just spaced out suddenly.
Sorry. Taeyeon leaned down and kissed her, first on the forehead and then on the lips,
briefly. Sorry. A lot on my mind.
Like? Hyejins arms came around her waist, pulling her closer. This was their push-andpull, always. Taeyeon wanted sex. Hyejin wanted intimacy. Every encounter was a battle to
reconcile the two.
New album. You know. Work.
Hyejin tilted her head up for another kiss. And?
Taeyeon lifted one shoulder casually. Just work. She could see Hyejin wanting to ask more
and pressed a kiss above her brow, sighing. She slipped her hand between them, hoping to
distract her.
Successful, she coaxed Hyejin into round four and released a sigh from deep within her chest.
It felt warm between the sheets and she rolled off of the girl beneath her, stretching out on her
back and bringing one of the sheets with her, wrapping it around her front for modesty while
it stuck inelegantly to her skin. She had come straight over to Hyejins apartment after
leaving Tiffanys; her skin, muscles had felt crackling, like they were on edge.
Hyejin was used to her coming over in that condition, raw and disoriented with the force of
her own feelings. Hyejin was a depository for the emotions she fought most seconds of most
days to keep at bay. It was in this condition that she had made love to Hyejin against a wall,
on a table, in the shower, once right against the door outside Hyejins apartment where
anyone couldve seen them. Relaxation was not something Taeyeon knew how to come by
honestly.
She felt fingers stroking her hair and exhaled again, leaning into Hyejins touch.
Talk to me about it, Hyejin said.
Taeyeon bit back a sharp retort. Although she had been seeing Hyejin regularly for a few
months now, it was true that the other girl did not know her very well. Their relationship was
mostly physical, and Taeyeon did her best to keep it just that. It was for that reason that she
tried to bury her annoyance at being coerced with the phrase she liked leasttalk to me about
it. Hyejin had no way of knowing how annoyed that sort of prodding made her feel.
She remained silent, releasing an impatient, long-suffering sigh that she hoped conveyed that

she had no plan on replying. Hyejin continued stroking her hair.

I heard from Soojung that Tiffany is back in Seoul, Hyejin admitted and Taeyeon glanced
at her. A frown set deep into her features.
She paused. Mmm.
Is that why
Soojung has a big mouth, Taeyeon commented lightly.
How are you She seemed to gather from Taeyeons expression that this was a bad
question to ask. I just mean
Shes my best friend. Taeyeon rolled her eyes. So obviously its good to have her back. Is
that what youre asking?
You know thats not what Im asking.
Then I have no idea what youre asking.
Taeyeon.
She put a hand up to her forehead. There was a headache forming there, and behind her eyes.
She brushed Hyejins hands away from her hairfirst, hastily, and then feeling apologetic,
she laced their fingers together.
I dont want to talk about it, she said at last and closed her eyes. She heard Hyejin sigh and
felt her move awayif not physically, then emotionally. That was what Taeyeon wanted. She
liked to picture herself encased in heavy armor. People like Hyejin kept trying to get in, but
they were wrong to do so. The armor was impassable.
I know that youre not my girlfriend, Hyejin said softly. The room was so quiet and still;
her voice was barely a whisper but it practically echoed in the silent room. But I still care
about you.
Taeyeon snorted. She hadnt meant it derisively, really; it was a sweet sentiment. There was a
vibrating sound from the nightstand and she opened her eyes to see Hyejin reach over and
pluck Taeyeons phone from the mess on the surface.
She glanced at it before handing it over. Her tone was strange. Im guessing this is Tiffany.
The name on the screen was the one she had always programmed her best friend in
as: Yeppeuni Hwang

Taeyeon cleared her throat, embarrassed. From this angle, even things she thought of as
casual jokes between her and her best friend had an almost sinister, embarrassingly telling
slant to them.
Its a nickname, she explained half-heartedly before answering the phone. Hello?
TaeTae~ Tiffanys cheerful voice blared out at a decibel best heard from at least a foot
away, which was how far Taeyeon yanked the phone from her ear at the first sound of it.
Tiffany had somehow never understood that phones had microphones and therefore there was
no reason to yell into them.
Yes? Taeyeon tried for a pleasant tone but wondered, under Hyejins watchful gaze, if it
wasnt too pleasant.
Im hungry, Tiffany called teasingly. Come meet me at that place in Hongdae, okay?
IHongdae? Taeyeon groaned. Getting across the city around dinnertime was going to be
a nightmare. Cant you come to
Im waiting! Tiffany interrupted. See you soon, love you, bye!
Taeyeon exhaled, hanging up the phone. She dared not meet Hyejins eyes.
Leaving? Hyejin said softly, casually.
Mmm. She climbed out of bed, dressing. Im sorry. Ill make it up to you. She leaned
over the bed to kiss her briefly. Hyejin rolled her eyes.
Im not your girlfriend, Hyejin reminded her. You dont need to make it up to me.
Taeyeon knew it was true but somehow she still felt reprimanded.

chapter five

It was easy to get a good table, even at restaurants in Hongdae, when you were two popular
members of the nations most beloved girl group; they usually got the same table every time
they came here. It had been awhile, but the small square table shoved tightly in the corner
still felt warm and familiar to her. It was almost too hot in the crowded barbecue restaurant,
but even that had a pressing and comfortable familiarity to her. She grilled the chadolbaegi
because Tiffany was terrible at it and Tiffany refilled the soju.
There were times like this, when things were familiar and there was good food and soju and it
was just Kim Taeyeon and her best friend. It wasnt painful, it didnt make her heart ache.
There were times like this when she thought she might never be truly happy, but that shed
probably always have her best friend, in some fashion. That was a comfort.
Ballad to dance song ratio, Tiffany prompted. They were discussing the new album.

Ive written a lot of ballads in the last year, Taeyeon said thoughtfully, so Im thinking of
just shoving them all onto this album.
Oh, just unloading them on us, huh.
Yeah, something like that.
Arent those songs for your solo album? Tiffany picked a piece of meat off the grill and
chewed it delicately.
Mmm. Taeyeon shrugged, draining the rest of her soju. She waited for Tiffany to finish
hers before re-filling them both. Like Ill ever finish that.
You seemed so excited about it a few months ago, Tiffany pointed out.
Taeyeon relaxed, shrugging. She leaned back against the wall. Shed always taken the seat
against the wall so she could people-watch or keep an eye out for fans. It was the familiar
gesture of routine. She chewed thoughtfully. Well, Im still excited about it. I mean, its
music, Ill always be excited about music. I justwhen things dont come together the way
you want them to, its frustrating.
Tiffany lifted one shoulder casually. I guess thats true.
Anyway, with nine people working on them, maybe itll work out the way I want it.
Tiffany squinted at her and then raised her shot glass. This is going to sound cheesy, but
What else is new.
its kind of symbolic of life.
Yeah?
Yeah. I keep thinking that, you know. Whatever it is I want or need, Im sure itll happen,
since its the nine of us.
Taeyeon shook her head, hiding a smile. Cheesy Hwang.
Oh my god, whatever. You totally feel the same.
Yeah, Taeyeon acknowledged, glancing away from her as she downed another shot. But
you wont catch me admitting it.
You dont have to say it to them. Tiffany looked at her softly. But you can always say it to

me. I know all your secrets, Kim Taeyeon.

She caught Tiffanys gaze and held it. It felt warm, just like the restaurant. All of them, huh.
Yeah.
When drinking with Tiffany, whose liver was made of some indestructible solid metal, it was
easy to go through two bottles of soju. Taeyeon was not quite the lightweight she had been
when she had first started drinking with Tiffany, but after they opened the third bottle, she
was feeling a little light-headed. She knew if she stood up she would feel as drunk as she was,
so she stayed seated, curling her legs around the table legs, and ordered more meat to help
reduce the effect of drinking.
Thanks for having dinner with me, by the way, Tiffany said.
Like I had any choice in the matter.
Can you believe I havent had a single meal with Jessica since I got back? The party last
night was the only time Ive hung with her, shes with unni
Every second, Taeyeon finished, rolling her eyes. Theyre joined at the hip these days.
I mean Im happy that theyve gotten so serious, Tiffany admitted. Because theyve been
dating forever but it never seemed serious.
I feel like Jessica always wanted it to seem less serious than it was, Taeyeon said
thoughtfully.
Why? In case it didnt work out? Tiffany asked. Taeyeon pursed her lips. Tiffany nibbled
the end of her chopstick in thought. Did you ever feel like that?
Taeyeon hummed vaguely. No, she lied.
If Tiffany realized she was lying, she didnt let on. She poured them more soju in silence.
Whats going on with everyone else?
The liquor was making her candid, so she freely gossiped in ways she did not ordinarily
which she knew was likely Tiffanys intention in getting her to come to dinner and get drunk
with her. Tiffany liked gossip. She liked knowing every little thing about the girls, weaving
tidbits of information around them like rope so she could tie them together, draw them near.
Taeyeon admired her for it. She knew the nine of them hadnt stayed together this long
through idleness and inaction; she also knew she, Taeyeon, was not capable of the same
earnestness and determination.

So she talked, because Tiffany was a lifeline, and she would do everything in her power to
keep them together. She talked. She talked about Hyoyeons relationship, how there had been
a brief flare-up when theyd been photographed together, but that the company had managed
to hush it up.
Juhyunnies album did, of course, really well.
Of course, Tiffany murmured, content. I feel bad about missing that.
Taeyeon shrugged. She did great, you know she promoted it like a pro.
Juhyuns solo efforts had pretty much solidified, for her, that she personally was not ready for
a solo effort. Not a serious one. It seemed like it should be simple, especially when all she
cared about, really, was making her own music, putting some sort of finished product on a
shelf, being on stage, but something had held her back that didnt exist with Juhyun. Juhyun
had no unfinished business, she thought. Juhyuns loyalty to the group had never been called
into question. Was that it? She couldnt quite put it into words yet. She owed the other eight
members a lot, and it wasnt something she could understand, could only feel heavy in her
heart.
She moved on briskly, telling Tiffany about Sooyoungs work on her radio show, Yoonas
recent wrap on production of her film, Sunkyus various MC positions.
She loves it so much more than I ever expected her to, she commented. And Yuri, too. But
she and I write music a lot together and I think thats a thing I think its a thing she needs
to keep doing. I think shes really good.
And you?
Taeyeon frowned. I guess Im good at it, too, I just mostly do it because I need to.
Tiffany smiled, showing those sweet curved eyes. Taeyeon sighed, unconsciously. I meant.
Whats up with you. Since neither of us called while I was gone, like the jerks we are.
She smiled weakly. Nothing new.
Tiffany bit her lip. Nothing?
Taeyeon shrugged. Really. Nothing has changed with me since you left. Im a little skinnier.
Yeah, its gross, Tiffany pointed out, heaping more meat on Taeyeons plate and pushing
some of the side dishes on her side of the table closer to Taeyeons side. But I mean, theres
got to be something. Taeyeon shrugged, shaking her head. She had spent three months

feeling empty and needyand guilty for feeling so. What about Hyejin?
There was a throbbing right behind Taeyeons ear. She sighed. What about her?
Is it serious?
No, Taeyeon said, for what seemed like the thousandth time. Like I said, theres nothing
serious about it.
If theres nothing serious about it, why are you seeing her so often? I mean, otherwise, you
dont tend to sleep with the same girl more than once.
First of all, thats not really true, Taeyeon muttered. It wasnt. It was some sort of invented
misconstruction the girls had developed about her. Just because they never saw her with the
same girl more than once didnt mean it was true.
Okay, but you clearly see her more than anyone else. Why?
Maybe because she doesnt ask me so many annoying questions, like some people. She
tried to keep her expression casual, relaxed, but the tightness of her tone betrayed her.
Tiffany sighed. They were finishing the third bottle. I just want you to be happy, baby.
I am happy, she lied, again.
I want you to be happy with someone. They shared a long, agonizingly inscrutable look.
Why cant you just make this a real relationship?
Because I dont do relationships, Taeyeon said bluntly, and with a note of finality. The
liquor was making her blood boil somehow. What about you, she retorted. Have you seen
anyone lately?
Tiffany didnt hesitate. I was seeing someone, in L.A. Taeyeon was taken aback by her
speedy candidness. But it didnt work out. Obviously. But Im open to a relationship.
Well. Taeyeon drained the last of her shot, feeling like shed been punched in the stomach.
You and I are different. We always have been.
Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Taeyeon tried to meet her gaze but was seized with
a vague sense of fear that forced her to avert her eyes.
Were not that different, Tiffany said at last.
Im not sure what you mean.

Thats because youre drunk. Her tone was light, flippant, but the way she looked at
Taeyeon was impenetrable.
Im not that drunk. I dont need to be drunk to find you confusing. Youre always confusing.
Im confusing? Tiffany shot back, eyebrows raised. Taeyeons heart fell a little; getting
Tiffany angry was never a good idea. Her best friend was probably one of the most genuinely
kind and warm-hearted people alive (although, admittedly, Taeyeon was a bit biased) but her
temper was no joke. She was Taeyeons polar opposite in many ways, and this was probably
the most salient; for all the intensity that Taeyeon bottled her feelings, Tiffany regularly
exploded with hers at the exact same intensity.
Taeyeon studied her plate pensively and then with careful deliberation admitted, Yeah. You
confuse me. Youre confusing.
And youre selfish.
Taeyeons eyes widened. What?
Tiffany shook her head and looked away. There was a loud burst of laughter from the table
closest to them. Taeyeon gripped the table, trying not to get upset.
What do you
You really only think of yourself, dont you. I mean, you dont think about me at all, do
you?
Just the idea of it made Taeyeon laugh bitterly. She had no idea, did she, of how often
Taeyeon thought about her. Youre all I think about, she said tightly; she wasnt sure if it
was the alcohol or her swiftly rising anger that made her tongue looser than usual, but it was
hardly a secret, was it. How can you say that to me, when you know how I feel? I think
about nothing but you.
You think about me, Tiffany argued, but you dont consider me. You dont look at it from
my point-of-view. You dont get it.
You wont let me, Taeyeon snapped and the dishes on the table bumped and crashed into
one another. All you do is confuse me and send me mixed signals
Mixed signals?
She hadnt meant to say that. I just mean

You just mean that its all about you, what you want, your feelings. Right? Have you ever
stopped to think about how I must feel?
Taeyeons head felt unhinged from her neck, like it was going to float away and take her
mixed, spinning thoughts with her. What had she spent three months waiting for, anyway?
For Tiffany to come back and confuse her and ruin her and make her feel awful? Was it a fair
trade-off? There were no faint or vague emotions when it came to Tiffany, she thought; the
euphoria of her presence was just as powerful as the misery.
I
Look
Taeyeon waved her hand dismissively, pinched the bridge of her nose. She didnt want to get
angry. Excuse me, she said, standing up to go to the bathroom, leaving Tiffany behind at
the table. Her legs were shaky and as soon as she was on her feet she could feel the world
spin and collect itself; she was far drunker, and angrier, than she had thought she was while
sitting down.
Sunbae? Taeyeon sunbaenim?
The one and only, she joked wryly, washing her hands in the sink. Looking up into the
mirror, she met the eyes of the young girl behind her and smiled politely. Im just kidding.
The girl smiled, tilting her head to the side. Youre kidding? Then youre not Taeyeon
sunbaenim?
She turned, holding eye contact with the girl. She recognized her now; she was a member of a
girl group that had debuted earlier this year. They had only met once, maybe, when her group
had come to Taeyeons radio show and admittedly, she wasnt following new groups close
enough to remember her name.
That depends, do you want me to be? she teased, and then smiled. It had never failed her. It
worked on every person except the person she wanted the most.
This time was no exception. Yes.
Taeyeon looked at her. She was an idol, so she was pretty. The prettier someone was, the
more they could distract her and make her forget.
She cleared her throat. Come on, come have a drink with me.
The girl, whose name Taeyeon found impossible to remember, was very excited to meet Girls
Generations Tiffany, even as Girls Generations Tiffany was not as keen on meeting her.

No one, save for Taeyeon, would ever know that, though, as no one was better at being polite
and sweet than Hwang Miyoung. It just so happened Taeyeon had known her long enough
that it was easy to tell when she was annoyedand she was very annoyed.
Taeyeon cheerfully asked for another bottle of soju. Youre old enough, right? she asked
lightheartedly, but the girl shook her head.
Im eighteen.
Shes eighteen, Taeyeon, Tiffany said icily.
Ah, Taeyeon smiled. Well. No one needs to know you were drinking.
Shes eighteen, Tiffany repeated, and her eyes were sharp. And a rookie, who wouldnt be
able to survive a scandal this early in her career
Oh please, no one will find out.
Also, again: shes eighteen.
Youve never drank with an eighteen year old? Taeyeon joked, trying to keep the mood
light for their juniors benefit.
No, Ive never drank with someone eight years younger than me, Tiffany said pointedly.
Taeyeon scoffed. The girl looked between them, meekly.
Maybe I should
No, its fine, Taeyeon said dismissively. Youre still a rookie so youll have to get used to
the fact that not every senior you meet is going to be nice to you, she quipped, nudging her
head in Tiffanys direction.
And get used to the fact that some of the seniors you meet will take advantage of you,
despite the fact that theyre much older than you
What do you mean by take advantage, Taeyeon shot back.
I mean exactly what youre trying to do here
What am I trying to do?
Tiffany rolled her eyes. You and I both know exactly what youre trying to do.
Im doing what you want me to do, Taeyeon laughed. She had definitely drank too much,

and the words were leaping onto her tongue too quickly for her to stop them. Or what you
say you want me to do. But maybe you dont really mean that. She felt something inside of
her break and her self-control crack apart. Maybe its better for your ego if you can keep
stringing me along forever.
She regretted saying it the minute she saw Tiffanys face. It wasnt a good expression. It was
an expression that for most Girls Generation members meant duck and cover; get out now
if you want to be spared the wrath of Tiffanys temper.
What is that supposed to mean.
I just mean that
But Tiffany had grabbed her wrist, yanked her to her feet. We need to talk.
They excused themselves from their junior, who for her part, did her best to look politely
disinterested, as though she witnessed arguments between members of the most high-profile
idol group in the nation often.
What is your deal? Tiffany pushed her into the bathroom, locking the door behind them.
She was angry, but she looked surprised, too. Taeyeon thought she knew why. They had
argued millions of times, but it wasnt in Taeyeons nature to be aggressive, antagonistic
that was Tiffany, usually, and Taeyeon at her worst was sullen and quiet. The alcohol had
unhinged her, but it had been three lonely months that had loosened the bolts.
Why would you bring that girl back to the table? Seriously, Taeyeon, use your brain
Why? Taeyeon frowned. I thought it would make you happy. I mean, thats what you
want, right? For me to get out of your hair, to stop moping after you like some lovesick jerk,
so that you dont have to feel guilty?
Thats not it, at all. Come on.
Oh, but only when it suits you, right? Taeyeon went on. Her throat felt tight and swollen. I
mean, you dont mind giving me false hope every few months just to keep me devoted to you,
like an idiot, because you like the attention, dont you?
Are you kidding me right now?
No, Im not.
Youre drunk.
Im drunk, but Im not stupid. You want me to date someone so badly because you want me

to get over you, right? Because Im a burden, right?

You are not a burden, Tiffany said softly. Her anger had disappeared and that made
Taeyeon feel worse, because she knew what the alternative to anger was. She would prefer
anger.
Admit it.
I want you to be happy.
But not too happy, Taeyeon corrected. Because it must be a real ego boost knowing you
have me wrapped around your finger. It is, isnt it. I bet thats why you came back.
Tiffany didnt reply. She just looked at her, a long, sad look. A look filled with pity. The
alternative to anger that Taeyeon feared most.
Of course. Everyone pitied her, of course, but Tiffany pitied her most of all.
Her best friend shook her head, slowly, looked at the floor, slowly, and sighed. Slowly.
Im leaving, she told Taeyeon, and then she didturned on her heel and walked away.
Looked back once with an air of disquiet. Walked out the door. It wasnt very different from
three months ago, when Taeyeons heart had climbed into her throat and Tiffany had left her
standing there, pathetic with emotion, weak with hopelessness.
She washed her face and left the bathroom, took a young, starstruck girl home with her and
hoped that in the morning she wouldnt remember Tiffanys face, the way Tiffany had looked
at her like she was a heavy weight not worth carrying anymore.

chapter six
(2005)

When theyre sixteen Stephanie has her first boyfriendnot her first first boyfriend, as shes
told Taeyeon that she dated back in L.A., but her first boyfriend in Korea, her first boyfriend
since becoming a trainee, her first boyfriend under Taeyeons apprehensive, watchful gaze.
Hes a year older than them and a student at the foreign school Stephanie and Jessica attend.
Hes tall and good-looking and has broad shoulders and clean skin.

(When Jessica is pressed for more information, she reveals that no, he has no criminal record
what a stupid question Taeyeon stop interrogating me oh my god.)
Despite herself, Taeyeon is fascinated, but her fascination only knows how to manifest itself
in biting, acidic nagging when Stephanie comes home late on weekends, cold air and
euphoric excitement clinging to her. She scolds her, because they do have a trainee showcase
to prepare for early the next morning, but mostly because thats what she does and thats
what she thinks Stephanie expects from herTaeyeon, short and occasionally boyish and
somehow, therefore, the completely nonsexual roommate who has somehow managed to
become one of Stephanie Hwangs best friends despite the fact that theyre polar opposites.
And because its just what Taeyeon does and its what Stephanie expects from her, she just
laughs at her scolding, takes her clothes off in front of their shared closet and leaves for the
bathroom in underwear that doesnt match and is still impossible not to stare at.
When Taeyeon tries to think about it, it hurts, so she tries not to think about it at all. She
wants to be a singer and so she decides thats all she can do; she cant even picture herself in
a relationship. She cant imagine herself in a romantic situation. Its not that shes incapable,
really, she just cant picture it, so she shoves it out of the way.
Jessica has said to her, more than once, that she gets it, but Jessicas had three boyfriends
since Taeyeons met her, so Taeyeon thinks shes probably full of it.

She first meets Shin Yoojung after math class one day when she is staring with despondent
indignation at todays returned math exam. Sooyoung laughs so hard Taeyeon hopes her head
will collapse in on itself and then says shell meet her outside so they can walk to practice
together.
She shakes her head, stuffing the test in her pocket, and then there is a girl, with clean skin,
tiny eyes, pretty teeth. She stands expectantly in front of Taeyeons desk as Taeyeon pulls her
backpack on.
How did you do, Taeyeon?
Her voice is soft, lilting. Taeyeon finds it pretty in the way she finds all melodic things pretty,
in the way she hears music in almost everything. She clears her throat, shrugging. Uh, not as
well as I thought, but, and when she shrugs casually, the girl smiles and its bright, glittering,
familiar.
I just saw you looked upset, so if you need help in math, I dont mind helping you.
Ah, Taeyeon replies, and doesnt know what else to say. Truthfully, shes terrible at math,
and its bringing down her average, but she is not the sort of person who can imagine being
tutored, or asking for help, even when its being offered. Moreover, it only upsets her in a
halfhearted way, because she cant think of what shell need math for. She doesnt know how
to look in the future past the stage lights, because singing is the only thing she knows how to

do well.
Or not, the girl says bravely, laughing, and her laugh is even more melodic than her voice;
it makes Taeyeons insides feel like liquid. Maybe we could just hang out.
It hangs in the air a little and when she smiles, Taeyeon returns it, warmly.
Sorry, she says softly, I guess I dont know your name.
I usually sit in the back, the girl responds by way of explanation, so maybe you dont
notice me. Im Shin Yoojung.
Kim Taeyeon, she returns, but Yoojung giggles.
I know.
They arent quite friends after that, but they do say hello everyday except the day after
Sooyoung jokes hey Taeyeon whos that huh your girlfriend and Taeyeon feels too
embarrassed to say hello next time.

Stephanie and the-guy-whose-name-Taeyeon-refuses-to-remember break up only six weeks

after they start dating. Stephanie texts her about it and when she comes home, Taeyeon is
prepared to comfort her, but Stephanie is completely unfazed. She smiles brightly, not at all
the mess of tears Taeyeon had expected.
It was mutual, she says, and then, matter-of-fact: Im only sixteen, no relationship at this
age should be long-term.
Despite the five months between them and the fact that Taeyeon has always seen herself as
somehow responsible and protective, everything Stephanie says to her is soaked in wisdom
she would never be able to produce. She nods, dazed with numbness, and joins Stephanie in
folding their laundry wordlessly. All the things she had planned to say as words of comfort
melt on her tongue. She wonders if Stephanie will ever be someone who needs comfort. She
wonders if she will, either.
Taeyeon is not someone who feels comfortable being comforted. And for the first time since
meeting her, she realizes that Stephanie isnt either. They have very little in common,
truthfully, but she wonders if thats a significant thing.
He was a good kisser, Stephanie admits and Taeyeon rolls her eyes. Partly, again, because
its what she thinks Stephanie expects of her, and mostly, really, because its the last thing
she really wants to hear.
Then she asks, TaeTae, of the boys youve kissed, who was the best kisser? and Taeyeon
wrinkles the t-shirt shes folding, self-conscious.
She pretends to think. Um.

I know you hate talking about stuff like that, but its me, you know?
Right, Taeyeon agrees. She folds the t-shirt into a tiny little square and then attempts to
fold it some more. Well
Have you ever kissed anyone? Stephanie narrows her eyes at her. Taeyeon feels her ears
become hot.
Of course, she says defensively. Im sixteen, of course
I mean, like, a real kiss, not the kind of kiss youd give to your mother.
Oh.
Oh my god! Stephanie squeals and hits her shoulder. Her teeth are pearly white and her
eyes disappear into those perfect stupidly charming crescents that Taeyeon is starting to hate
looking at. Taeyeon, you havent?
Taeyeon tries, desperately, to think of something cool to say, but can only mumble, Dont
make fun of me, which she thinks, really, only makes it worse. She picks up another shirt to
fold.
Oh my god, Stephanie keeps saying. Taeyeon imagines inventive ways to murder her.
Strangulation by sweatpants. Suffocation by old t-shirt.
Its not that big of a deal, she says finally, mostly in an effort to get Stephanie to stop ohmy-god-ing at her. Ive never had a real boyfriend, and I dont really have time, and
truthfully, I dont really know how to.
Yeah, but Taeyeon
No, really. She puts down her laundry. Its embarrassing, leave me alone.
She stalks into the kitchen to make dinner. A childish part of herthe part who has never
been kissed, she supposesimagines that Stephanie will follow her to apologize, but of
course, she doesnt. Realistically, Taeyeon knows theres nothing wrong with never having
kissed someone, but realistically, she also knows that shes behaving as immaturely as she
feels. Really, why should it be embarrassing, she wonders.
Because, she thinks to herself, you know why you havent.
Deep down, I think you know.
She makes kimchi fried rice, which is the only thing she knows how to make. She thinks of
calling her mother. She thinks of crying, but she hasnt cried in months, and it would be
impossibly juvenile at this point. She thinks of leaving, because its just her and Stephanie in
the dorm and even rooms away, the awkwardness is choking her.
She turns the heat off on the pan and when she turns, Stephanie is at the entrance of the

kitchen, looking something approaching apologetic and smiling that stupidly pretty smile.
TaeTae, she says, a request buried in her tone.
Yes.
Stephanie drifts closer. Guess what.
She sighs. What.
The world doesnt right itself quick enough; suddenly Stephanie is pressed against her. That
stupid smile. Taeyeon sucks in a quick, shallow breath.
Im going to teach you how to kiss.
But she doesnt teach, really. Theres no instructions, no lecture, no diagrams. She leans in
and her lips are warm and wet against Taeyeons. The napkin in Taeyeons hands falls to the
floor. She feels Stephanie grip her wrist, press her thumb into her forearm; lips move, and
open, and then her tongue is there, pressing against Taeyeons lips and Taeyeon tenses, her
fingers flex uselessly at her sides.
Stephanie pulls away a fraction of a centimeter. Her eyes are closed. In the restless breath
between them, she murmurs, Open your mouth for me, and then does it again, her lips too
warm, sealed tight against Taeyeons and then her tongue pries open her lips and hesitantly,
Taeyeon lets her in and she is kissing Stephanie Hwang and her stomach feels like it could
explode.
In a good way. In a good, filled with heat and fluttering confusion sort of way. Her tongue
tries to meet Stephanies but shes too disoriented, its too slippery, and Stephanie is too
experienced, her tongue knows exactly where to go, and then she makes a noise, a quiet noise,
a satisfied hm in the back of her throat and draws Taeyeons lower lip between her own and
then shes pulling away and Taeyeon tries to suck in more air, but cant.
And and and and and, Taeyeon thinks, dazed.
Stephanies eyes flutter open and she smiles teasingly.
There you go, she says. Now youve kissed someone.

She finds out later that Stephanie had her first kiss with a girl, too, years ago, and that
Stephanie thinks thats perfectly normal, really, for girls to practice on each other; the
revelation makes her wonder if she should ask, then, if it felt like this afterwards, but theres
no way of putting into words what this isand if she could, shes sure she would scare
Stephanie away.
Because this is a fiery, consuming and obsessive and near 24/7 mental reenactment of the kiss.
Its lying awake at night, her heart beating fast and her breathing shallow, as she imagines

how it could have been different, if she had suddenly transformed into the worlds best kisser
and kissed Stephanie back so exceptionally that Stephanie would say she had never had better,
if they had never stopped kissing, if they were still kissing, if she was free to kiss Stephanie
whenever she wanted to.
This was thinking, urgently, that she would never be able to kiss anyone else ever again, and
now not because of inexperience, but because she was sure she only wanted her lips to
remember Stephanies lips. She wanted Stephanies mouth to be the last mouth that touched
hers, forever. She only wanted Stephanies warm, taut, trembling body pressed against her,
and Stephanies clean white teeth knocking against her own, and Stephanies lips and
Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.
It does not come gradually after weeks of analysis and self-inquisition. It comes almost
immediately, and it makes her feel like crying. She tries to put a name on it that isnt love;
she experiments with calling it infatuation as though a technicality could make it less painful,
less jarring.
As quickly as it comes, the denial comes even quicker. It comes constantly. Attempts to
convince herself there is no way she knows what love is, and sure, this is the strongest shes
ever felt about anyone, but there is a difference between love and an admittedly obsessive
fixation and you are bound to feel this way, Kim Taeyeon, that was your first kiss. She smells
nice and shes pretty and her smile makes your heart feel as though it could fall out, but that
isnt love.
She feels awful, and homesick, and very afraid.

She promises to walk Yoojung home, since its on her way to SM and its nice, ambling
down side streets while the sun slips past the horizon line. Their fingers brush as they walk
side-by-side and after the fifth or sixth time Taeyeon starts to consider that Yoojung is doing
it intentionally. Their eyes meet and experimentally, Taeyeon holds the gaze for longer than
traditional and Yoojung holds it, too. Their eyes only avert when they reach the curb and
have to watch for traffic; as a bus passes swiftly, right by their toes, Yoojung takes her hand
and Taeyeon feels something in her heart clench and then release. She feels better, for the
first time in weeks.
Yoojung kisses her at the door, in the shadows sliding across the abandoned street, and her
lips are nothing like Stephanies. Theyre shy, hesitant, and clumsy; they make Taeyeon feel
experienced and her eyes are screwed shut tight as she leans in, sighs into Yoojungs mouth,
holding on for dear life and hoping she can fall in love with someone who can love her back.
She waits seven days before asking Yoojung to be her girlfriendin the least romantic way,
stupidly, in text message form with a sloppy heart tacked onto the end of itbecause she
needs seven days to decide its okay. She spends seven days watching Stephaniein practice,
at lunch, in their dorm, while sleepingand seven days pretending she doesnt love her.
There are seven days, days where she holds Stephanies hand on the subway and days where
they press against each other at dance practicedays where she feels terrible about herself,
worries that something is wrong with her. Shes sick, she thinks. This isnt love, it cant be

love, because youre just being sick, weird.

Yoojung replies within seven seconds and of course she says yes, and for seven more days
Taeyeon keeps it as a secret in her heart. She doesnt need to say it, she doesnt need to admit
it to herself, but she thinks shes taken a step to being okay with it. She is a girl who happens
to like other girls and she is not a girl in love with her best friend.
She thinks if she learns to be okay with the first part, she can convince herself of the second
part.

present
(2015)

She and Yuri had once got drunk together in this very recording studio, the first time theyd
tried writing songs together. Taeyeon remembered it well. They had paid for studio time
themselves; the label would evaluate the finished products. It was just the two of them alone
in the recording booth, messing around with the soundboard and drinking soju. Three junk
demos and one good demo had come out of the whole day, one song that they lovingly
crafted until it was good enough for an album. Taeyeon looked back on it, really, as one of
their worst songs but whenever she listened to it, her heart swelled because of how close she
and Yuri were that day.
It was like this every time she saw Yuri. Today they drank water and messed around with
with the soundboard to produce significantly superior, she hoped, music, but she still felt the
same.
When Girls Generation had first moved in together, right before their debut, Taeyeon had
developed a brief, two-week long crush on Yuri. It was that brief. It was that moment of
living in close quarters with someone pretty and hoping that feelings could be transferred
from person to person, like admitting an attraction to another band member would somehow
reduce the intensity of her feelings for Tiffany. That day, years ago, when theyd drank soju
in this very room, shed told Yuri that, about the briefness of her crush, and Yuri had laughed
that great way she laughed, rubbed the back of Taeyeons head and said, Im honored, and
Youre the cutest, Taengoo.
Like all of them, Yuri looked at her with pity most of the time, but it was a little more
bearable from Yuri, who she supposed faked it better than the rest.
Hows work? she asked when they broke for lunch.
Yuri sighed. Becoming more and more like work everyday. I dont know what to do with
myself.

No one does. Taeyeon shrugged. But youll do okay.

Yuri asked, How are you? in that heavy way they tended to ask how are you when they
were worried about Taeyeon. No one else got how are youwith the same weight Taeyeon
got how are you. They asked it like they expected her to fall to pieces if they didnt.
Good, Taeyeon replied. She thought that if she ever answered them honestly, they wouldnt
know what to do with it. They asked her because they felt they had to, because they loved her
and they wanted her to know they loved her. That didnt mean they would know what to do
with a real answer, Taeyeon thought.
She had promised herself long ago to never burden anyone with the chaos of human emotion.
How are you really, though, Yuri pressed.
Really good, Taeyeon shot back, grinning slightly.
Are you and Fany fighting?
No, I she began hotly and then broke off, breathing in through her nose and then
exhaling. How did you know?
Yuri laughed. It doesnt take a genius to figure out when you two are fighting.
Which is good, since youre not a genius.
First: you guys are always fighting, so its a good bet. Second: you revert to this like,
wounded puppy dog look whenever you two are fighting. And third
Wounded puppy dog? Taeyeon repeated, incredulous. Slightly offended. (Slightly intrigued;
puppies were cute, right?)
And third: Tiffany called you a self-obsessed jerk in group chat the other day, which you
would know if you ever checked into group chat
Really, Taeyeon said wryly, scratching her temple. Thats not really incentive.
So?
A shrug. She fiddled with the headphones in her lap. We fought. Its no big deal. Itll blow
over in a few days; it always does.
It was true. She had known Tiffany for about ten years of her life and reasoned they had

probably spent a good 50% of those ten years in a stupid argument of some sort. It was the
way they communicated, somehow. It had always been like that.
Im not going to beat around the bush, Yuri said. She leaned back in her chair and pulled
her headphones off.
Why not, that sounds fun.
I want to know, really, how are you doing with Tiffany being back.
They didnt usually say it outright. They usually stepped across the words, refusing to
say what, and Yuris candidness surprised Taeyeon into her own.
I feel terrible, she admitted. Yuri didnt blink, just met her eyes honestly. Terrible, but a
good kind of terrible.
What do you mean?
I mean, its hard to be around her. Taeyeons voice was soft. Recording booths were soundproof and she heard her words sink solidly into the walls around them. Its always been hard.
It never gets easier. Thats how I know its love, because it refuses to go away.
She had never been this honest. She had never pieced it together aloud. Yuris slight eyebrow
raise was the only indication that she was surprised with Taeyeons bluntness.
Then how is it good? she asked. Gently.
Its goodbecause because its Miyoung. Shes my best friend. I need her. Its bad
because Im in love with her and Ive always been in love with her, but its good because
I love her, shes my best friend. Its painful to have her around, but its even more painful to
be away from her. Does that make sense?
It makes sense.
Id be flat-out lying if I said her presence doesnt affect me. She wet her lips. It throbbed in
her throat and then in her head. Its driving me crazy. It makes me want to run away. But
She broke off. She had no idea how to say this.
I dont know how to tell you how awful these past three months were for me. I dont even
want to remember them anymore. Its like my mind is trying to cross it out, blot it from
existence, because it was too painful. Its the longest Ive ever been away from her since I
was fifteen years old. Now I know.

Yuris expression had become so impossibly soft that Taeyeon hated to look at her. It was
beyond pity now.
Know what? she asked.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. That I cant be away from her. I know. Its not even about my
feelings. Its because shes my best friend, and shes more than that. Id die without her.
Really. I would.
Admitting it was like expelling ten years of held breath from her lungs. She felt winded. She
thought for a moment that she might cry. Yuri looked at her carefully, and then smiled. She
reached out and rubbed the back of Taeyeons head.
So, she said gently. Always gently. Now you know.

chapter seven

Stretched out, gleaming in the mid-day sun, her eyes swallowed the sight whole. Her lips
trailed from shoulder to collarbone to throat to jaw. Beneath her, the sunlight came undone.
Fingers clasped and she pressed two complaisant hands to the mattress, pressed the sunlight
beneath her and quaked like a leaf.
Taeyeon sighed and swallowed Hyejins breath, the gasp of her name. Her nose nudged lips
and her lips tasted the soft, salty skin of Hyejins jawbone and it was two hours before she
came up for air, watched the sunlight escape, skittering over the edge of the bed and
disappearing.
Hyejin gripped her shoulder with one hand, slid down her upper arm and slipped downward,
nails scratching inside her forearm. Taeyeon shuddered. She had done nothing but shudder
since she had left the recording studio, took her car across the city, and stalked up four flights
of stairs to Hyejins apartment. Shuddered, when she pressed Hyejin against the wall,
shuddered when she led them inside, shuddered when they hit the bed, and shuddered now in
her arms, shuddered so violently that Hyejin held her tight and said whats wrong and
wrapped the blanket around them both and where there had been sunlight, minutes and hours
ago, there was Seoul in winter, banging at the window and wanting in.
She kissed Hyejins forehead and kissed Hyejins mouth, ignoring her questions
because whats wrong was not something she could truthfully answer, even if she had wanted
to; all she knew was that she needed to not think and in Hyejins arms, pressed against
Hyejins skin, was where she could do that.
Beneath her, there was a hoarse laugh and a murmur of approval. Hyejin touched her hair.
Well, hello, she said softly, and they both laughed because they were the first words either
of them had spoken since Taeyeon had come in two hours ago.
Hello, she returned.
Surprise visit?
Yeah. Her legs tangled with the legs beneath her. She dropped her head, exhausted, her
forehead against Hyejins shoulder warm, laden with sweat.
Youre lucky I happened to be home, Hyejin commented. There was a schedule in Busan
for today that was cancelled.
Taeyeon held her tongue. If it hadnt been Hyejin it wouldve been someone else. Maybe. Or
maybe not. Tiffany was right, she thought, there was something different here if Taeyeon
kept coming back to it.
Tiffany. She sighed.
I just wanted to see you, she admitted softly. I said Id make it up to you, didnt I?

And I said you didnt have to, didnt I? Hyejin laughed. Im not your girlfriend.
Taeyeon lifted her head and searched her eyes. Do you want to be?
Hyejin looked taken aback. She reached up, lifted Taeyeons overgrown bangs off her
forehead. The action made her ache. Are you asking me to be?
I dont know, Taeyeon said honestly. She gazed into Hyejins eyes, hoping for an answer.
She didnt know what to think anymore.
Hyejin looked at her gently. At a certain angle you could even call it pity. Taeyeon shuddered.
She was becoming obsessed with seeking it out, identifying it, but she couldnt get rid of it,
so what was the point?
You dont want a girlfriend, Hyejin told her plainly. She smiled. You dont want a
relationship.
Right. Her throat felt tight. I dont.
The sun had gone down and the room had become shadows. They felt like spectators. Yet,
Taeyeon somehow felt more alone that she had.
Wordlessly, she climbed from the bed and dressed. Hyejin rolled on her side and watched her,
propping her head up on the palm of her hand.
Are you leaving? she asked. It wouldnt be out of the ordinary.
No. Taeyeon sat down on the edge of the bed and reached down to feel around for the rest
of her clothes. Im making you dinner.

I told you my refrigerator was empty. Hyejin sat on the edge of the counter and crossed her
legs. Taeyeon could feel her eyes following her as she moved around the kitchen.
It just so happens kimchi fried rice is the only thing Im good at, Taeyeon commented,
lighting the burner. So you had all I need. She kissed her.
Do you cook for all the girls you sleep with? Hyejin asked, lightly, joking. She leaned in
for another kiss.
Taeyeon rolled her eyes. Just the really pretty ones. She added oil to the pan and felt Hyejin
stroking her ear, running her thumb underneath it, trailing her fingers down the nape of her
neck.
As she made the rice she wondered why she could not fall in love with someone who could
love her back, and she also wondered if she could be loved back. She wondered about
domesticity. She wondered about being a high-profile idol and being in love and wondered

why kimchi fried rice was the only recipe she had been able to pick up from her mother.
She wondered about Tiffany, about what Tiffany was doing right now, she wondered about
Tiffany.
Can I ask you a question? Hyejin touched her elbow.
You can ask.
Hyejin laughed, a little. If you hadnt become an idol, what do you think youd be doing
right now?
Taeyeon frowned, stirring.
I like a lot of kimchi so Im going to use the rest of the jar, okay?
Thats fine, Hyejin replied, but are you going to answer the question?
All I said was that you could ask. Taeyeon reached past Hyejin for the jar of kimchi shed
put aside but was surprised when Hyejin grabbed her hand, pulled it into her lap. She looked
at her, briefly. It was not often that she looked into Hyejins eyes; it wasnt often that
Taeyeon looked into peoples eyes, period. Yet she had found herself searching Hyejins eyes
several times this evening.
So youre not going to answer? Hyejin asked.
Its a hypothetical question, so any answer would be hypothetical, Taeyeon pointed out.
She wanted Hyejin to free her hand but it would be rude to pull away.
So?
So, its dumb to answer. No offense.
You cant just speculate? Youre supposed to be a creative person.
Taeyeon chuckled. No, Im not. Im an idol. That means Im supposed to be obedient and
polite.
Then why dont you obediently and politely answer my question.
Another headache. Its dinner time, Taeyeon replied, glancing at the clock on the
microwave. So I guess Id be making dinner. Maybe for someone a little less annoying.
She said the last part with a tight smile. She didnt want to hurt Hyejin. She didnt want to
hurt anybody. She worried sometimes that she was a loose cannon and all it did was make her
want to protect everyone around her.
She pulled her hand away and finished cooking.
Do you know I didnt go to college? Hyejin asked after a long and uncomfortable stretch of

silence.
Taeyeon glanced at her.
I started doing this, hair and make-up and stuff, to pay my bills. Once I made enough, I was
going to go to school. But I realized working for idols made me enough money to live on, and
I liked it, so I never went.
Hyejin was looking at her, openly. Taeyeon turned the heat off on the stove. She wasnt sure
what she was supposed to say. Hyejin rarely talked about herself. Taeyeon wondered, now, if
that was because she didnt want to or because she thought Taeyeon didnt want to know.
Taeyeon scratched her neck. What did you want to study, if you went?
Business, maybe. She hopped off the counter. She reached up to get bowls from the top
cabinet. Taeyeon watched her.
Cant picture it.
Me, neither. Hyejin smiled at her. She was very pretty, Taeyeon thought. It was a dumb,
simplistic thought, but it came to her suddenly.
I didnt want to work for idols at first, Hyejin went on. I really hated idols, did you know
that? I thought they were all fake.
Taeyeon snorted. Dont worry, we are.
Youre not.
Taeyeon neglected to reply. She sat down to eat. Hyejin joined her.
My favorite color is red, Hyejin stated. Taeyeon blinked at her. And I have two younger
sisters.
Taeyeon held her breath. Where was this going?
Hyejin counted on her fingers before picking up her spoon to eat. Thats four things about
me. You go.
I
She played with her spoon.
My favorite color is
Taeyeon. I can type your name into any search engine and find that out.
Then I dont know what to tell you, Taeyeon said softly. Theres not that much to learn. I
have an older brother and a younger sisteryou can find that online, too. I love my parents
very muchyou cant find that, but you could probably figure it out. There were a lot of

things I thought about being when I was a kid, but when I discovered music I knew Id be
unhappy if I did anything else. Is that what you want?
Does that mean youre happy, Hyejin asked, just as soft, doing what youre doing now?
Taeyeon tensed. Everyone was so concerned about whether or not she was happy, like the
contentiousness of her own personal happiness was keeping them up at night. She thought,
maybe, the other members loved her, so that was why. They wanted her to be happy. For
Tiffany, Taeyeon thought, her unhappiness was a source of guilt. If Taeyeon was unhappy,
then certainly Tiffany would blame herself. Her guilt made Taeyeon feel guilty. It was a
constant, unremitting obligationstay happy, or at least learn to fake it, or everyone will be
upset. An ugly cycle of guilt.
I dont
Look, Hyejin said. If I had gone to school for business, theres no way of knowing who I
would have met or what I would have done. For all I know, I couldve been happier. I mean,
theres no way of knowing, right?
Taeyeons mouth felt dry. Right.
But I cant help but feel that I did the right thing. Because Ive met a lot of great people and
Ive done a lot of great things, and maybe it couldve been better, but regretting my decision
would be like saying Im dissatisfied with what I have now. My friends, this apartment, my
work. Even you. But Im not dissatisfied. Get it?
Yeah.
They ate.
The sun had sunk completely so Hyejin got up to turn on a light. It made the room yellow,
sick-looking. The kimchi fried rice was a little bland.
Taeyeon said, I think if I hadnt been pulled into Seoul, I would have stayed back in Jeonju
forever. Hyejin looked at her. She looked prettier standing near the window, near the
moonlight, than near the lamp. Taeyeon tried to think of a good way to say what she wanted.
AndI mean, Im not the sort of person who can go out of my way to meet people. I mean,
I prefer to be alone, she explained. So the fact that they shoved me into this oversized
group was kind of a blessing, because I have eight people who are so important to me, that
I
She shook her head. Tried again. Every time I try to imagine my life going a different way, I
picture myself alone. I like being alone, so it isnt a bad thing. I meanI dont know what
the difference between happy and unhappy is, really, and I dont want to spend a lot of time
thinking about it. But when I think about how my life couldve taken a million different paths,
the other paths end with me alone, and this path ends with them. That makes me think it must
be the right path.
Hyejin was smiling at her, so she thought maybe shed said the right thing. She scratched the

back of her head.

So yeah. Thats a thing about me, she said awkwardly, clearing her throat. How many
more do I have to tell you?
Hyejin stood over her and smiled, touched her hair. She had crossed the room in two steps
and Taeyeon was grateful because she suddenly felt like she needed to be close to someone.
Its okay, Hyejin said gently. Thats enough for now.
She leaned down and kissed her. Taeyeon reached out, grasped blindly, but there was only
the table to hold onto.
I like you, Kim Taeyeon, Hyejin said, quiet. She cupped Taeyeons face. A lot. I wont be
your girlfriend, but Ill be your friend. Okay?
Her heart felt a little lighter.
Okay.

She slept in the next day and cancelled her morning schedules, much to her managers
exasperation. She felt drained, somehow, and wouldve cancelled lunch with Sunkyu if she
hadnt thought that Sunkyu would track her down and drag her by the ear if she had. She
wondered, disgruntled, not for the first time, if the entertainment company couldnt have
saddled her with a bunch of girls a little less overbearing and intrusive, but she loved them
nonetheless.
On the way to meet Sunkyu she texted Tiffany for the first time in days. She had thought
about it for awhile and had settled on the numbingly asinine, Sorry about the other day.
By the time Sunkyu arrived at the cafe, Tiffany had sent back a reply.
Its okay. I miss you!
It was always okay and she always missed her. Somehow, despite not deserving it, thats
what it was.
Hey, Taeyeon greeted, putting her phone in her pocket. Sunkyu sat down with a tired
expression. How did the meeting with your uncle go?
Sunkyu was the sort of person who knew how disarmingly alluring her smile was and rarely
hesitated to use it when she needed it. Taeyeon had known her long enough to know that the
appearance of it so suddenly was not necessarily a favorable portent.

Do you want to hear the good news first, Sunkyu asked smoothly, glancing down at her
menu, or the bad news?
Rarely did Taeyeon ever want to hear bad news, whether it was first, second, or third. Good
news, I guess.
He says hes excited for the album, excited to produce it, excited to give us the opportunity
to co-produce itpretty much excited all around.
That sounds like sunsaengnim, Taeyeon said wryly, biting her lip. Whats the bad news?
Sunkyu kept her eyes on the menu. She sighed a little.
He said it would be a good idea to treat this as our final album together. A farewell album.
Taeyeon felt something inside her come a little unhinged. She dragged her index finger down
the outside of her water glass, gathering up the condensation and then rubbing it against her
thumb. Last albumtogether, she repeated, mechanically. They want to dissolve the
group?
Not officially. Sunkyu shrugged a little and set her menu down. But yes. Sort of. He says
hes not sure what they really want, but that theyre probably going to offer all nine of us nine
different contracts, if you know what I mean.
Taeyeon set her jaw so hard she felt it pop just slightly out of place. Bad habit. She grit her
teeth. Why?
Well, the sales of the fifth album were lower than sales of the fourth, so
They were slightly lower, Taeyeon shot back, feeling her anger rise. Barely two hundred
copies lower and it was still the best-selling album of the year, how d
I know, Taeyeon. Sunkyus voice was calm. I know.
Taeyeon tried to relax. She was getting angry with the messenger. Sorry, I
I know.
But still, I mean. If we can sell more than any other idol group, still, what would be the
pointour popularity isnt declining, at worst its on a plateau and thats a good thing,
considering how old we are for idols She was rambling, she knew, but this was one of the
few things that she had ever been opinionated, communicative about.

Sunkyu poked her tongue into her cheek and played with her hands restlessly. Well,
Juhyuns album sold about the same as our last group album did.
So? It sold that much because shes a member of the group. Anyone can see that.
But look at it from the companys standpoint, Taeyeon. If Juhyun can sell that much, then
surely Jessicas solo album could sell just as much, if not more. Or Tiffanys solo album. And
yoursthey know yours can sell even more. Why would they waste money producing one
group album if they can make, say, five times that amount producing five solo albums?
She knew that Sunkyu was just trying to be logical but Taeyeon was too upset to think of it
that way. She sounded like a traitor. She breathed evenly.
Thats maybe true, she said, but. Why dissolve the group? Why cant we do both?
Sunkyu shrugged. Thats why they probably wont break the group up officially, but there
likely wont be any time to produce another one once they start focusing on pushing us as
soloists. Plus She broke off and hesitated. The waitress came and went and they sat
silently, suddenly realizing the severity of the conversation they were having in a very
publicalbeit fairly emptyplace.
Plus what, Taeyeon prompted quietly, once they were alone again. Her voice had become
sullen and she could hear it, hear it behind the pounding of her skull.
Plus, they fully expect that when they offer us all different contracts, some of us wont sign.
Taeyeons eyes narrowed. Is that right.
Thats what he said they probably think. He really wasnt supposed to tell me any of this,
Taeyeon, but he did because, you know. Hes my uncle. And he thinks that if we have time to
think about it, we can come up with a solution that will make us happy.
There was a rhythmic, irksome tapping coming from somewhere and when Taeyeon looked
down she realized it was her own fingers drumming anxiously on the table. She wanted
suddenly to be back in Hyejins apartment, her face buried in Hyejins hair, or to be
anywhere at all where it was dark and quiet and she didnt feel like things were falling apart.
So, Sunkyu said simply, lets focus on making this album, and we can figure it out in
between.
Yeah.
I told you, Taengoo, because youre our leader andI mean its your decision if we should
tell everyone else.

Her body suddenly felt so weak. Youre our leader. She swallowed. I mean, we should, she
said softly, and her voice broke a little, but how.
Sunkyu didnt have an answer for that. They ate their food silently. A little boy, maybe about
ten or eleven, had approached the table and asked them for autographs. Taeyeon watched
Sunkyu talk to him, her eyes stinging. Sunkyu was always good with the younger fans.
Sunkyu was good with everything, with everyone; she was charming in ways that translated
to any and all age groups. Which noona do you like best she would tease or can you sing your
favorite song for noona in places where Taeyeon would just put silence instead.
Ive liked noonas for a long time, he said, clutching both autographs to his chest. Ill
always wait.

Taeyeon looked at her hands. Where did they find their faith, their trust. Where would she
find hers.
Outside, winter pulled at her scarf and coat and tried to swallow her whole. The girls who
followed her everywhere sensed her mood and didnt try to talk to her today; they stood at a
distance as she got into her car and closed the door, put her forehead against the steering
wheel and cried for the first time in three months.

chapter eight
(2006)

Stephanie gives her exactly seven days before changing her life; in retrospect, Taeyeon thinks
its nice, since shes already changed her life a million and one times over the past two years.
Taeyeon isnt sure how she figured it out; she and Yoojung had been sitting on her bed, a foot
and a halfat leastbetween them, doing their math homework and Stephanie had really
only walked in and saw them for all of five seconds. But well, maybe thats a thing about
Stephanie, because as much as she and Sooyoung like to make fun of her awful Korean and
call her dumb, the thing is, the thing about Stephanie isStephanies smart. Shes really
smart.
Because somehow she figures it out, and she waits seven whole minutes after Yoojung leaves,
after Taeyeon has walked her to the door and kept her hands deep in her pockets and nowhere
else, when Stephanie asks, How long have you two been dating?
The question is so unexpected that Taeyeon answers it immediately: Only a week. And
then: What? Dating? No
Stephanie laughs. Theyre going to order jajangmyeon and are turning the messy dorm upside
down looking for the menu. Taeyeon pauses, one hand deep in the couch cushions, and faces
Stephanie. Stephanie with her white teeth and crescent-shaped eyes and her long eyelashes
and her pretty lips and the totally non-judgmental look on her face.
Its okay, she says with a smile. You can tell me. Why didnt you tell me, jerk, were
supposed to be best friends
Ibuthow did you know we were
Oh. Stephanie waves a hand dismissively and then attempts an explanation that she
apparently doesnt know enough Korean for. It doesnt matter, I can just tell.
It doesnt bother you? She finds the menu underneath the throw rug in front of the couch.

Why would it bother me? Shes pretty enough for you, I guess.
I mean that were both She breaks off. Its one thing to say it to herself, in the quiet
space of her head, but another thing entirely to say it out loud.
Girls? Stephanie supplies. Oh, come on. I knew you liked girls.
Taeyeon can only sputter in response, her eyes and mouth both open as wide as they can be,
because how in the world could Stephanie have known when she hadnt even known, not
really, and did this mean that other people knew and did it mean that Stephanie
Dont worry, its not obvious, TaeTae. Stephanies voice was gentle. A lot of my friends
back in L.A. were, so I guess Im just good at being able to tell? I wish youd trusted me
enough to tell me.
Taeyeon twists her fingers together anxiously. I didnt know how youd react.
Well. Stephanie shrugs. Im happy for you.
Its a little thing, objectively, but it feels like an enormous weight no longer pressing against
her heart, and Taeyeon forgets, a little bit at least, how she feels about Stephanie because she
really does like Yoojung a lotshes pretty and has a cute smile and likes Taeyeon back and
Stephanie approves of her which is good becauseits true, she and Stephanie are best
friends. Whatever else it is she feels for Stephanie, and she really doesnt want to think about
it, but whatever else it is, theyre still best friends. Stephanie looks out for her, covers up for
her, and when Taeyeon asks haltingly for privacy one night, Stephanie is willingtoo willing,
reallyto find somewhere else to sleep the entire night while Taeyeon is clumsy and stupid
before getting it right, just near the end.
She even asks about it, later, like a best friend should. How was it? she wants to know.
Good, Taeyeon says. They lie on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Neither of them have made
it to the shower after practice, the exhaustion too fastened to their insides.
Just good? Stephanie snorts.
Well, at first it was awkward, Taeyeon admits. But then it was good.
Is it different than with a guy?
Taeyeon turns her head to give her a look. How would I know, Ive never slept with a guy.
Oh, right. They lie in silence. Taeyeon feels like her words are hanging in the air and for
the first time in weeks she remembers how much she likes Stephanie and suddenly the idea of
talking about it with her is mortifying. And on the other hand, it isnt. Because Stephanies
her best friend, her world, her stupid wife, her other half and thats all a lot heavier than
feeling attracted to her, or infatuated with her, or liking the way she looks when she smiles.
Maybe. Maybe, Taeyeon thinks, a stupid, helpless, schoolgirl infatuation is nothing in

comparison to finding the best friend youll ever have.

Stephanie sighs, content. The moment stretches.
Are you going to do it again? she asks.
Taeyeon laughs. Yeah, definitely.
You know, Stephanie says, conversational, but with an edge that makes Taeyeons
shoulders hunch up near her ears. Shes cute. Yoojung.
She is, Taeyeon agrees, feeling like theres more.
But
But what?
I mean, were going to debut in a few months.
Uh, hopefully, Taeyeon corrects.
Hopefully. I mean, do you think it would be okay to date someone like that once you debut?
I mean, youre an idol. Youll be an idol.
Taeyeon frowns. She hasnt thought that far. What do you mean?
I mean, its dangerous, isnt it? Even if it was a guy it would be dangerous just to date
anyone. What if they say something? You have to date another idol, at least, because theyll
want to keep it secret too.
Shes so pragmatic about it, Taeyeon thinks. Its human emotion, and yet she thinks about it
so maturely.
She forces herself to laugh a little. What other idol am I going to date? I mean, really
Jessica? I mean, shes really pretty
Taeyeon sits up, twisting around in surprise to look down at Stephanie. Jessica? Too? She
Well, she hasnt said anything to me about it but she obviously is, I mean, come on She
rolls her eyes and Taeyeon wonders, first blithely, and then with growing desperation, how
Stephanie manages to see things like that when she has no idea.
Jessica would be good, Stephanie says casually, putting her arms underneath her head and
looking up at the ceiling. Since well all be in the same group.
Uh, I dont think Jessica would date me, Taeyeon says, holding back a laugh. She lies back
down. I dont think Id date her either.
Well, someone else, then, theres tons of idols who are

How do you know.

I just know, its obvious, okay.
They spend the next hour talking about which idols are and arent and which trainees are and
arent and who is but doesnt realize it yet and the hour hand creeps toward midnight as their
words become slower, more slurred, until they drift off to sleep side by side, practice clothes
still on, sweat drying and sticking to their skin, and the weightlessness of their friendship
settling between them.

Somehow, though, even though she really hadnt even considered listening to Stephanies
words, by the time they receive word theyll debutafter a million false starts much closer to
a year later, rather than the months they had hoped forshe feels like the thing with Yoojung
has run its course anyway. She tries, more than once, to make it work, because shes dated
Yoojung for more than a year now and she thinks, maybe, pragmatically, she probably loves
her, or loves being with her. And it isnt the idol thing, she thinks, or at least she tells herself
that, and it isnt the Stephanie thing either because she tells herself that every single day.
Its just time, she tells Yoojung, who is crying. She touches her shoulder and pulls away.
They made her leader. There is so much to do, so much choreography to memorize, so many
songs left to record, so much weight to lose, so many teeth to get fixed, so much to refine a
normal, confused, maybe-in-love eighteen year old kid into a polished idol. She feels like the
weight of it all is crushing her.
I really care about you, she says, and I always will, but I dont think I can
And maybe the worst part of it is that Yoojung seems to understand entirely, understand too
well; she cries but she takes it okay, says she understands, and when she says she understands,
Taeyeon wonders how much shes understood over the past year and changedid
she understand, because she had looked like she understood, one time, one time when they
were sitting in her room and Stephanie had come in to get something and Taeyeons eyes had
followed her like magnets stuck to iron and Yoojung had looked at her, sadly, and maybe she
had, reallyunderstood.
When she comes home that night, she thinks she must look awful because Stephanie rubs her
shoulder and then pulls her close. She tries not to, shereally tries, but the tears come anyway,
hot and shameful. Its the first time shes cried in front of Stephanie, or really anyone in years
except her mother, and she doesnt even know why she does. She just does. It feels terrible,
in the pit of her stomach, and the way Stephanie strokes her hair feels nice, and the two
feelings together make her cry harder.
Her best friend holds her tight. She clings to her, making a mess of her shoulder, but
somehow it wont stop. She doesnt know how long its been, but finally Stephanie speaks,
soft and soothing against her ear.
Hey, can I tell you something?

She can only bury her face in the crook of Stephanies neck, nod silently.
Im scared, Stephanie says.
Of what?
Of debuting. Of all of it. What if they dont like us? I mean, they already dont like us, and
we havent even done anything. What if we have no fans? What if no one likes the song?
Her voice is steady. Somehow, Stephanies the strong one and she, Kim Taeyeon, is a
crybaby.
What if we fail, Stephanie says softly, and I have to go back to California, tell my
daddy I couldnt do it? I dont even know if I can do it
You can do it. She mumbles it, quiet, into Stephanies shoulder and grips her tight around
the waist. Shes ashamed to lift her head and show her red, crying face, but she does it
anyway because Stephanie has to know. Thats the only reason I know well do well,
because you can do it. I know you can. Youre amazing.
Somehow saying it is like a weight off her shoulders, like she has spent the last three years
needing to tell Stephanie that shes amazing, that shes the best person Taeyeon knows, that
shes changed her entire life.
Stephanie smiles at her, wipes the tears off her cheek with her sleeve.
TaeTae.
Hmm.
Lets make a pact, okay? She holds Taeyeon tighter, guides her head back onto her
shoulder and pulls her close. No matter what happenswe fail or succeed or whateverno
matter what happens, the two of us will be together. Okay?
Taeyeon doesnt know how to answer. She sniffles, nods her head against Tiffanys shoulder,
her nose brushing the soft skin of her neck.
Okay?
Okay, she murmurs.
They hook pinkies and touch thumbs and Taeyeon suddenly feels like crying again, because
she is eighteen years old, about to debut, and she is so in love with her best friend her heart
feels like it could burst.

present
(2015)

Her mouth felt numb as she introduced the song and then sat back, slipping her headphones
off. There would be fifteen minutes of commercials after the song, so she took the
opportunity to look over the new page of script that one of the writers had placed in front of
her.
Shifting impatiently, Taeyeon released a sigh. Shed only been sitting in the booth for a little
over an hour and she was already tired, aching to go home. Usually two hours of radio passed
like a blur, because it was enjoyable work, but now, when she had something else weighing
on her mind, it couldnt have dragged slower.
Ah, one of the writers said, passing behind her chair, isnt that Tiffany sshi?
Huh? Taeyeon snapped, wondering if it was possible that she had read her thoughts.
Tiffany
Glancing up from her script, she spotted Tiffany outside of the DJ booth, waving from the
window. Taeyeon bit her lip, trying to mask how excited she was to see her. Wordlessly, and
she hoped, impassively, she waved her in.
Whats up, Tiffany called cheerfully as she came in. She looked good. Taeyeon could
hardly speak, could only watch her with longing, careful eyes as she came closer and then sat
on the table right next to the script Taeyeon was currently studying.
What are you doing here, she asked, soft. She suddenly felt better than she had all day.
I dont know, I thought Id come visit you.
Taeyeon pointed past her at the camera. Its viewable radio today, say hi.
Tiffany looked surprised, twisting around to wave at the camera. Good thing I wore makeup, she joked, smiling brightly. It was her Idol Smile, Taeyeon thought with amusement, but
it wasnt any less pretty.
The messages were coming in very quick on the website now. Taeyeon checked them quietly,
mostly as a way to stop herself from gazing at Tiffany until her eyes fell out. There was a
small satisfaction in how excited the fans and regular listeners were at Tiffanys presence; if
only the label understood that, that people liked them as members of a group more than
individuals, or that they liked them as individuals because they were a group. But even if they
could be convinced of that, was she really someone who could do the convincing?
Its been awhile since Ive seen you working, Tiffany commented casually. She touched
the back of Taeyeons hand with one finger, featherlight. I was going to text, but I thought

Id surprise you.
Taeyeon hummed, content, and gave her a smile. All the worries that had colluded in her
head since lunch with Sunkyu earlier were slowly easing their way into nothingness.
Tiffanys presence was always a collaboration of extremescomforting or stressful.
Sometimes both. Today it was mostly just the former.
They sat in comfortable silence as the commercials played; Tiffany looked over her script for
her, making amused sounds at the funnier bits, and Taeyeon read messages on the website.
Tiffany noona, marry me, she read.
You have to buy a ring, Tiffany said casually, and dont call me noona, Taeyeon.
When Taeyeon turned to look at her, stricken, her best friend was grinning. Taeyeon blushed.
Im just reading the messages
I know.
Her smile was teasing. Taeyeon shook her head.
You look cute today, Tiffany added. She plucked at the bracelet Taeyeon wore on her wrist
and then dragged her finger up the sleeve of her navy blue sweatshirt. Taeyeon bit her lip,
looking down at her outfit. She had literally thrown on the most comfortable clothes she
could find.
I look like a bum, she joked, her tone careful as Tiffanys finger slid distractedly up her
covered forearm.
A cute bum, Tiffany returned and she laughed, uncomfortable.
Tiffany was a natural flirt, and always had been, but sometimes it was harder to handle than
other times.
As the commercials came to a close, she made Tiffany sit down before she picked up the last
thirty minutes of the show. She cut out one short segment so that Tiffany could talk a little
and the last half hour flew by in ways she had wished the first hour and half had.
Lets go get something to drink, Tiffany said as they were leaving and Taeyeon agreed,
because she would never turn down alcoholalthough maybe she shouldjust as shed
never turn down time with Tiffany.
Although, she thought, maybe you should.

They slipped out the back way toward the parking garage. There were a few more fans
waiting for her than usual.
Tiffany, polite as always, smiled and bowed to them as they approached the car. Excuse me,
she said sweetly to the ones blocking their way to the car, and they moved quickly. Taeyeon
rarely spoke to them, but they were surprisingly obedient when spoken to. Really, Taeyeon
thought wryly, they pretty much listened to anything you said except leave me alone.
Dont talk to them, Taeyeon muttered, holding the passenger door open for Tiffany.
She held her breath as Tiffany slipped past her into the car, too close for comfort.
What am I supposed to do, Tiffany complained once Taeyeon had come around the car to
climb in the drivers seat, ignore them?
Taeyeon slammed the door shut. Yeah.
I cant. Maybe if you were more friendly with them, theyd leave you alone.
I sincerely doubt it, Taeyeon replied, rolling her eyes as she pulled out of the garage. She
glanced in her rearview mirror to see if they were following. They were. She turned on the
radio and turned up the music.
Tiffany drummed her fingers against her thighs rhythmically, distractedly, before turning the
music down a little.
Did you ever sleep with any of them?
Taeyeons brow wrinkled. Who?
Tiffany gestured vaguely behind them, where a taxi was following the car.
Them? Taeyeon spat. Uh, no.
Really? I know some idols who do.
Uh, maybe they do, but I would never
Why, youve slept with fans before. Havent you?
Taeyeon gaped at Tiffany in disbelief. As they crawled to a red light she turned to see if
Tiffany was really serious. She was.
Um, no? Maybe a casual fan butI mean these girls know my schedule better than I do,

they know what kind of toothpaste I use, they probably know what color my underwear is
right now. Who would sleep with someone like that?
Tiffany shrugged, frowning. You know my schedule better than I do.
We work together.
You know what kind of toothpaste I use.
Weve lived together.
What colors my underwear?
Probably pink, but anyone whos met you for ten seconds could guess thatare you trying
to say Im stalking you, or that you wouldnt sleep with me, or both?
Neither.
The light turned green and Taeyeon accelerated briskly, trying to lose the taxi behind her.
So you would sleep with me? she joked with a grin. This was a game they played,
sometimes, a stupid, dangerous game where they pretended they could joke about things that
Taeyeon yearned for with her entire being.
Im just pointing out that someone knowing that much about you isnt really a reason to not
sleep with them, Tiffany replied, crossing her arms over her chest. Still, she was smiling.
And yes, theyre pink.
Either way, I havent, and I wouldnt. Theyre crazy. Theres a pretty big difference between
allowing someone into your life and someone forcing their way into your life.
She had managed to lose the taxi by taking a side street but the roads were unlit and sheathed
in shadow. When she glanced at Tiffany, she could barely see her face but her silence was
oddly telling.
Taeyeon sighed. Whats your deal?
I just think, why else would they follow you around like that?
So she thought it was her fault, too. Just like Juhyun had. Ive never encouraged them, she
said evenly.
If you say so.

Taeyeon scoffed. Why do you care so much?

Tiffany was silent for a long moment. Taeyeon tried to find a parking spot that wasnt an
hour walk from the club.
I dont, Tiffany said, finally, in a small voice, and Taeyeon wasnt sure why, but her heart
suddenly began to beat very fast. For a long time, she wasnt sure what to say, and busied
herself parallel parking.
She turned the car off. Look. Who I sleep with is none of your business. Just like who you
sleep with is none of mine. Right?
Right, Tiffany said, and got out of the car.
Taeyeon sighed and counted to ten slowly. She wasnt going to risk getting into another fight
with Tiffany so soon after making up. She didnt have the energy needed to make Tiffany
aware of just how emotionally traumatic and manipulative her preoccupation with Taeyeons
sex life was, and she wasnt sure she had the willpower for it either. She took a breath.
It occurred to her, suddenly, that she had spent a good ten years of her life convincing herself
that being Tiffanys best friend was the healthiest thing to strive forthat if Tiffany could
never feel the same as she did, that at least there was that, at least there was their friendship,
and that had to be a good thing. It was only now that their mutual codependence had become
stifling.
It wasnt a normal friendship, she thought, because it had nothing to do with choice. They
needed each other. They had tied themselves together so tightly that there was no room for
movement. She could tell Tiffany that who she slept with was none of her business, but
of course it was her business; Taeyeons entire life was Tiffanys business, and Tiffanys life
was Taeyeons. How could she hope to move on when everything she did only made the rope
tighter, tied them together more profoundlyhow could she even breathe?
The revelation made her feel weak, dizzy. She got out of the car and followed Tiffany into
the club. First order of business: get drunk. Second order of business: loosen the rope.

chapter nine

The sun came in strong and crooked and it was like most mornings: Taeyeon wished for her
headache and almost diurnal hangover to disappear, for her to learn to sleep in a manner that
didnt leave her with numb limbs and aching joints, that whatever girl she had brought home
and was currently pressed against her like a too-warm blanket would leave with little to no
fanfare. She rolled fussily onto her back and attempted to stretch but she was bound,
restrained by a solid weight.
She mightve pushed it off if she hadnt inhaled just then and the familiar shampoo scent
caused her eyes to snap open and blink blearily.
Tiffany.
Taeyeon had watched Tiffany sleep for years. Well, nohastily, she amended that thought; it
made her sound like a stalker. But she had. She could cast her memory back pretty far and
still, there was Stephanie Hwang at fifteen years old, sleeping in the bed across the room.
There was Stephanie Hwang at twenty, asleep in the van en-route to another schedule. There
was Stephanie Hwang at twenty-five, slumbering in the practice room after another allnighter. It was an image she was used to and yet irrepressibly moved by.

She followed the line of Tiffanys nose with her eyes and then studied her mouth and her jaw.
Her headache fell away a bit. She watched the rise and fall of Tiffanys chest and felt lighter
than air.
A rumbling vibration came from somewhere on the other side of the bed and then a piercing,
shrill ringtone, a catchy American pop song, burst forth, and Taeyeons eyes widened as
though shed been caught; instantly, she shrank backwards, attempting to put an impossible
distance between her and Tiffany as she watched her best friends eyes flutter a bit, rousing
herself.
The eyes remained closed, but she rubbed quickly at them and her nose and then threw her
hand behind her, groping around blindly for the source of the noise.
Taeyeon watched as Tiffany stifled a yawn, flung one arm over her eyes to block out the
sunlight, and then answered the phone with a hoarse mumble: Hello.
She shifted a bit, arm still thrown over her eyes. Yeah. Hey. She had switched to English.
Her voice was hoarse and thick from sleep, but warmth and sweetness escaped it and
Taeyeon felt stupid, lovesick, just watching, just listening. She could catch little of the
conversation but thought maybe she understood time difference and six in the morning
here in Korea and some vulgar slang word that Taeyeon was pretty sure constituted an insult
but was said gently, like a term of endearment. It ended, maybe, with something about call
you later but her lack of English comprehension coupled with the weird feeling of dread in
her stomach made it very difficult for Taeyeon to really understand.
Tiffany disconnected and dropped the phone to the floor, keeping her eyes covered for a few
breathless moments; for a second, Taeyeon was sure she had fallen back asleep, but then
there was a sleepy groan and Tiffany rolled over, pressed right up against her and put an arm
around her waist.
Morning, Taeyeon, she murmured sleepily, and bumped her nose against Taeyeons cheek.
Good morning, Taeyeon croaked out. Her mouth was dryer than she had thought.
Tiffany mumbled something unintelligible and shifted. Her body felt warm; her breath
warmer. Taeyeon swallowed hard.
Hows your head, Tiffany asked, eyes still closed.
Could be worse, Taeyeon admitted. You?
Tiffany laughed lightly and it was soft, tingling against the skin behind Taeyeons ear where
her mouth had settled. You know I dont get hungover, she replied.
Oh yeah, I forgot that I hate you.
You do not. Thanks for letting me stay.
Taeyeon made a dismissive noise and closed her eyes. Maybe they could fall back asleep like
this. Maybe shed loosen the rope tomorrow. Or next week. Or in a year or two. Whatever.

Im sure I begged you.

You did, actually, but I wasnt going to tell you about it for the sake of your pride, Tiffany
laughed and Taeyeon laughed too.
What pride, she wondered.
A warm silence followed and Taeyeon felt herself drifting off to sleep. Tiffany rested her
head onto her shoulder and breathed evenly.
TaeTae?
Quiet, this is quiet time.
There were just eight hours of quiet time.
Shhh I cant hear you Im asleep...
Tiffany punched her in the stomach and she groaned, rolling away from her.
Never mind, Im awake.
Tiffany rolled over, too, onto her stomach, and put her cheek down on the pillow. Taeyeon
peeked at her and mirrored her position. They looked at each other, one eye each, a breath
between them.
You were right, Tiffany said at last.
Of course I was, Taeyeon agreed. Im always right. What about?
Tiffany rolled her eyeswell, the one eye Taeyeon could see. About. Me wanting you to
date someone. Its true. Taeyeon held her breath. I want you to get over me. You need to
get over me.
Push. Pull. Push.
I dont want to talk about this.
Taeyeon.
Its not that simple.
Tiffany sighed. But you dont even try. If youd let someone else get close, then you
could
She trailed off absently. Taeyeon exhaled, rolling over and flopping onto her back. She
looked at the ceiling, at the miniature holes formed by little pockets of air in the paint. She
could feel Tiffany watching her and wanted very badly to disappear from her sight.
I just want you to be happy, Tiffany said, just as shed said a million times. Thats all I

want. Youre not a burden. Youre my best friend. I love you. And I want you to be happy.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. Was that possible, she wondered. Happiness. Had she convinced
herself that there was only one thing, one person, that could make her happy? Was it natural
to want, yearn for the same thing since you were fifteen years old, encumbered by awkward
adolescence, dizzy with hormones?
But love wasnt a thing you could turn on and off like a faucet. Romantic love or platonic
loveit was all the same involuntary feeling. If it could be controlled, she would have turned
it off long ago. Not just her feelings for Tiffany. Even her feelings for the rest of the group,
she would turn those off, too; feeling desperate with devotion toward the members wasnt a
good thing, had never been a good thing, wouldnt be a good thing. If she could turn it off,
she would push them into distant slots. The slot for friends, acquaintances, co-workers,
colleagues. People you could get along with, but didnt feel like you were taking your every
breath for.
She thought about it, because she needed it. She knew Tiffany was right. Maybe Tiffany
didnt even know how right she was. It was like a Chinese finger trap, and the more she tried
to pull away, the tighter she was held. The only break was a clean break.
If she could say it, she would try, but her lips stayed closed. At last, Tiffany sighed and rolled
closer again, putting her head on Taeyeons shoulder and her arm around her waist.
Im sorry, she said softly.
Taeyeon laughed silently, reflexively. Involuntary. She could no more make herself stop
feeling this way about Tiffany than Tiffany could make herself feel something that wasnt
there. It made Taeyeon feel guilty to have burdened her so badly.
No, Im sorry, she replied, whispered. You were right, too. You were right. I dont think
about your side of things. Its selfish.
Tiffany didnt respond for a long moment and then she laughed. Did you just admit that I
was right about something?
Taeyeon opened one eye. Tiffany had lifted her head to grin at her.
Well
So if I was right, Tiffany began thoughtfully, that means that you were
Taeyeon narrowed her eyes.
You were ugh, whats the word, you know my Koreans bad you were
Im going to kill you.
No, dont kill me, Tiffany cried dramatically, you have to teach me Korean, sunsaengnim,
sexiest sunsaengnim

She shrieked, dodging the hand Taeyeon shot out to violently murder her with. Reaching
behind her head, Taeyeon seized a pillow and lobbed it in Tiffanys general directionthe
ensuing yelp and thud confirmation that she had hit her target.
She barely had time to feel smug before the pillow was flopped with a dull thwack on her
nose as Tiffany whined, Not the face, you jerk, this face makes money.
Like this one doesnt? Taeyeon shot back, lifting the pillow off her face and flinging it
back in Tiffanys direction.
Not as much as this one does.
That was it. Taeyeon scrambled to her knees, reaching for another pillow. Youre dead.
You cant kill me, the fans would totally hate youhey, ow. The pillow had smacked her
in the side of the face. Not the face, you jerk. She dove across the bed, grabbing Taeyeon
by the arms and shoving her into the mattress, hard.
You started it, Taeyeon gasped, trying to free her arms.
Because. Tiffany pinned her left wrist down. You. She pinned the right. Wouldnt. She
forced Taeyeons flailing legs still with her own. Say. She sat down on Taeyeons stomach,
forcing the air out of her. It.
Say what, Taeyeon gasped, grinning.
Say it. You were
Taeyeon looked at her, wide-eyed, silent.
Taeyeon, I will suffocate you with a pillow.
Im calling your bluff.
You think I wont?
Taeyeon looked at her expectantly. Her hair fell around them and there was no light, no
distraction, just Tiffanys face, lined with sleep, cheeks and nose flushed pink, her eyes like
the promise of a storm. Taeyeon held her breath and tried to memorize the space between
them.
Tiffany looked at her for a very long moment, touched her face.
Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?
Taeyeon exhaled unsteadily. She could feel her heartbeat in her entire body, throbbing
against every vein, even her blood enraptured by Tiffanys presence.
She cleared her throat, a mess of wrong feelings. Does that mean you wont kill me? she
tried to joke, and Tiffany narrowed her eyes.

All you have to do is admit it.

Admit what, she asked innocently.
Tiffany reached for the pillow.
Okay, okay! she cried. Wrong. I was wrong.
Tiffanys triumphant smile was mirrored in her eyes; it was so sweet one could almost forget
that she had wrestled Taeyeon into submission and threatened to asphyxiate her. Almost.
As Tiffany loosened her grip, she added, I mean, I wasnt really wrong, to be fair, Im just
saying you had a point, I was still right about A hand reached out for her again; she leapt
from the bed, running toward the bathroom, howling even as Tiffany was hot on her heels, I
have to shower, sorry! and slamming the door in her best friend's face.
Im going to dump all your stupid perfume down the sink, Tiffany shouted through the
door.
You wouldnt.
Every single bottle.
Ill tell Jessica about that time you had sex in her bed.
There was a long silence from the other side.
Okay, you win.
It was a hollow victory at best.

When she came out of the shower, Tiffany was nowhere to be found. She dried her hair and
neatened up the kitchen. Tiffany came in from the balcony; she let the cold in.
Where did you Taeyeon began and then made a gagging sound when the smell hit her.
You said youd quit.
I am quitting, Tiffany said, frowning. She held out her pack of cigarettes, of which there
were only three left. This lasted me all week.
Taeyeon threw the pack out. Congratulations, youve just quit.
I hope you know youre a bad person. Tiffany narrowed her eyes.
Im aware. She made coffee. We have to record today. I bet your voice sounds terrible.

Okay enough for a demo. We really need to be rehearsing, Taeyeon. The nine of us. Even if
theres nothing to rehearse yet, we need to get back into practicing together regularly.
I know, Taeyeon admitted, and her mind circled restlessly around what Sunkyu had told
her the other day. It was difficult enough finding a good rehearsal schedule for all nine of
them, with their separate and numerous schedules; knowing that they were on a timeline and
that the label was ready to discard them made it even more difficult. She didnt know which
managers and executives to talk to about practice space. Even the names of the most trusted
manager oppas had looked sinister in her phone contacts list. Did they know? How many
higher-ups knew that the label wanted to dissolve the group? She felt sick about talking to
anybody who didnt believe in them.
Tiffanys cool, grasping hand circling her wrist alerted her to the fact that she had spaced out,
thinking about it. Tiffanys face was clouded with concern. Are you okay?
Yeah. Taeyeon wet her lips. Should she tell her? They all were going to have to know
about it. Why had she been tasked with doing it? Why hadnt Sunkyu come to all of them and
told them, instead of unloading the burden onto Taeyeon and expecting her to be ableshe
had never been able to talk to them, not in this way. It felt like a supplication, somehow, like
she was being implored to act like a leader do the leader thing Taeyeon I know you hate it I
know you think you cant but thats what we need right now.
She shook her head. Nothing, Im fine. You can use my shower.
Another thing filed away to think about when it seemed less stressful. She was used to it by
now.

A can of coffee plonked down on the table in front of Taeyeon. Another can followed,
balanced precariously atop the first. A third wobbled falteringly as it was balanced on top of
the second. As the fourth was being set down, Taeyeon snapped out of her thoughts and
looked up at Sooyoung.
What the hell are you doing.
Building you a tower of caffeine.
Taeyeon grabbed the top can before it fell. Thanks, I think.
Im just being cute, tell me Im cute.
Youre cute, Taeyeon said mechanically, opening the can to take a sip.
Sooyoung sat down next to her. The nine of them had arrived at the studio an hour ago but
they hadnt even started yet; they were slow to get back into the swing of things, and the

undertaking of producing it on their own was both burdensome and freeing. It was going to
be difficult, obviously, but on the other hand, they were more or less on their own timeline, if
they could make up for the studio costs and production costs.
Taeyeon thought about that a little, in light of what Sunkyu had told her. She sighed. Anyone
would be better than her at breaking this kind of news.
Whats up, Sooyoung asked.
Nothing.
Dont sigh if its nothing, you only sigh when you want someone to ask.
Taeyeon locked eyes with her and sighed loudly, pointedly. Sooyoung shoved her shoulder.
They drank coffee in silence, waiting for the other girls to come back from bathroom breaks
and vending machine raids.
Silence with Sooyoung was one of the most comfortable silences. She wasnt sure why that
was. Sooyoung was one of the most talkative people she knew, which was good, because
Taeyeon was the opposite. Sooyoung could happily carry an entire conversation by herself
and all Taeyeon needed to do was listen. Yet, the silences were just as comfortable.
Thought you were going to come visit me last night, Sooyoung said finally.
Oh yeah, Taeyeon apologized. Sooyoungs radio show was in the slot directly after hers, so
she often stopped by on her way home, if she had nothing else to do. Sorry.
Its okay, Im sure you were busy with your incredibly taxing schedule of doing nothing,
Sooyoung joked. What is your job again?
Taeyeon laughed. She really did just DJ lately. All the attention she had meant to give to
working on a solo album had fallen away. It had been an uneventful three months.
Sorry. She had really meant to stop by, but Sooyoung had flown out of her head completely
when Tiffany had appeared. She knew that if she said that, Sooyoung would understand, but
she also knew Sooyoung would understand without her having to say it.
No big deal, I only cried about it a little.
Use this tragic experience as inspiration when we record our next ballad.
I think I might. Everything okay?
The way she said it made Taeyeon pause, canned coffee halfway to her lips. She sighed.

Man, Kwon Yuri, she doesnt know how to keep anything between two people, does she?
Hey, Yuri tells me everything, you know that.
Yeah, yeah, Taeyeon grumbled.
I was just worried about you, and you havent been talking to me about stuff. She wasnt
blabbing or anything, she was just trying to tell me I didnt need to worry about anything.
Youre fine. Youre you.
Sooyoung smiled. Taeyeon smiled back.
Yeah, Im me, she said, and drank her coffee. It was another comfortable silence that
prodded her into thought. She set her coffee down. Im sorry, Ive been a bad friend.
No, you havent.
She snorted.
Youve never been a bad friend. You havent. You dont have to be communicative for us to
know how you feel, jackass. Weve known you forever. You think we dont have you figured
out?
I dont know. That sounds scary.
If I need advice, I go to Sunkyu, Sooyoung explained. If I need to complain, I go to Yuri.
If I need to laugh, I go to Hyoyeon. If I need to be felt up, I go to Jessica.
Do you often need to be felt up?
I like to feel attractive. Anyway, my point is, everyone has their own role, and not everyone
needs to occupy the same one. If I need reassurance that my life is going somewhere, I go to
you.
Taeyeon was surprised. Me? She could scarcely reassure herself that her own life was
going somewhere; how could she be responsible for someone elses reassurance? Why me?
Because, Sooyoung said simply. Even if you dont know what you want, you know that
you want whats best for us. So I dont have to worry. I know you have our best interests at
heart.
There was noise and laughter outside; the girls were coming back. Taeyeon stood up to throw
out her coffee. Thanks for the extra weight on my shoulders, she joked, and Sooyoung
grinned.

No problem.
Taeyeon opened the door and rushed the rest of the girls in. Lets go, come on, we need to
get started, I want to get this thing finished before I turn thirty.
It was that day, when they pumped out six demo recordings in one afternoon, the recording
studio empty of outsiders, that Taeyeon really thought about it.
It was a thing they had known for a lot of yearsthat there were people you could rely on,
people you could ask for help, people who knew you, butwhen it came down to it, there
was really just the nine of them. They had said it, hushed, in moments of privacy and stupid
sentimentalitysometimes they said it to other people, sometimes to make them feel like
outsiders, mostly to make them understand that it wasnt a thing you could put a name or a
label on, that it was a feeling and not a word.
When they broke for dinner, Sooyoung wrapped her arms around her from behind and said,
Like a well-oiled machine, and she was right, because that was what it was. The scary part
was knowing what came next. It was hard to see the surface when you were in this deep, and
Taeyeon tried, pressingly, to imagine ten years into the futureeven just five. It worried her.
There was the idea of living in the present, and then there was being incapable of seeing past
the next ten minutes.
It was true; she did want what was best for them, and maybe whatever was best for herself.
Again, she thought about a clean break; again, she thought about loosening the rope.

chapter ten
(2007)

Kim Taeyeon learns very quickly that being an idol is mostly about not getting enough sleep,
rushing from schedule to schedule and being left at the whim of production rather than output,

and then occasionally, very occasionally, getting to perform onstage and do the thing you
love. She learns that there are hours upon hours of promoting yourself for every three and a
half minutes of performing. There are cameras everywhere, well-meaning senior singers,
some less-well-meaning senior singers, the crushing disappointment of falseness found in
people you admire, the burden of being eighteen years old and shoved into a business made
for and by adults, people who are slick and smart and completely disinterested in the fact that
you are a teenager who only wants to sing, really, thats about it.
She smiles wildly on camera; its not fake, she means it. Shes happy, and the happiness sinks
around the edges of her and at the center theres exhaustion, theres disappointment, theres
worry, but there is genuine happiness there and she thinks, sort of, this is probably the
happiest shes been in her life, the most exhausted shes been in her life, the most afraid shes
been in her life. Its not perfect, but its certainly the most anything shes ever been or felt.
The camera is a fickle, fair-weather friend. It magnifies her flaws, physical and emotional and
mental and creative. It scares her, because she knows theres a disconnect between what she
says and does and what they hear and see and what is shown and dispatched. She knows that.
But sometimes she prefers it to the quiet moments at homenot home, no, the dorm, which
isnt home, home is in Jeonjuwith the girls she grew up with and yet doesnt know.
She looks at the eight of them and they scare her, too. There is a part of them that are like
friends, sort of, people shes trained with for years and likes and enjoys spending time with.
But theres a part of them that she thinks of as sinister, because theyre all idols, too, arent
they, theyre all desperate for success and the raw hunger in their eyes to be more than just
rookies terrifies her, even as she knows its mirrored in her own eyes. They terrify her,
because they made her leader, and theres no pressure, really, but sometimes they look at her
expectantly like theyre waiting for her to know what to do, and the truth is, she never does.
They terrify her because she doesnt know what she wants them to be. Colleagues? Friends?
Family? Distant co-workers? What they should be to her is contingent on what she should be,
and she doesnt know what she should be.
StephanieTiffanyTiffany is the exception, though. Theres them and then theres Tiffany.
Her best friend, her Tiffany, nervous and excitable Korean and pretty smile and the entire
nation falling in love with her. She clings to Tiffany as Tiffany hangs on her, but she thinks
she probably needs Tiffany more than Tiffany needs her. Tiffany is outgoing, personable, and
has people eating out of her hand within moments of meeting her. Tiffany is made to be an
idol, Taeyeon thinks. Its a reason not to give up, maybe, because she and Tiffany promised
to be together, and this is the only way they can be.
Its confusing, this business of being an idol, but its less confusing when her best friend is
next to her.

I think I messed that up, Taeyeon mutters. Theyre standing in the waiting room and rewatching their performance. Taeyeon had been half a beat slow near the end. She sighs
heavily; there are no do-overs. Three and a half minutes and you were done.
She feels Sooyoung wrap an arm around her shoulders. I think we all messed up at least

once.
Yeah, but Taeyeon begins and then pauses because theres no way of saying you guys
arent me that doesnt sound selfish. She sighs. Her throat feels raw, inflamed. She thinks
shes probably been pushing her voice way past its limits, but she has to, because theres a lot
at stake. She wishes, not for the first time, that the line-up had been a little different. Then she
wouldnt have been shoved in the lead singer position. Or leader. She could sit back and sing
the way she liked, behave the way she liked, not drag around these heavy responsibilities
shackled to her like dead weights.
She feels Tiffany take her hand, lace their fingers together; she can tell its Tiffany without
looking. They watch the performance again, monitoring for more mistakes. It was okay to
make a mistake once, but if you made the same one twice you could forget about sleepyou
need more practiceyou need more practiceyou need more practice
Isnt it weird, Tiffany says in the van on the way to their next schedule. We wanted so
badly to debut, for years, and now that we have its like wow, we need waaaay more
training.
Taeyeon nods vaguely but doesnt respond because the rest of them are listening. She is
figuring out what shes meant to do with this stupid title they gave her. Theres no way shell
ever feel comfortable being the sort of person who tells other people what to do, so she cant
do that. Even their mistakes, she feels hesitant about pointing them out; instead, she hovers
vaguely around them, watching them, hoping they notice themselves so that she doesnt have
to say anything.
Boost morale is the only thing she can think to do, so sometimes she goes around to them
with a stiff smile and says good job and she can tell by looking in their eyes that they think
shes awkward, forced, strange. What is their relationship, she wonders. To the cameras, she
would say friends, but truthfully, behind closed doors, she thinks shes really only friends
with Tiffany. Theres a distance even in closeness with the rest of them, and she knows its
her fault. They try, repeatedly, to get closer to her but it makes the hair on her arms raise. She
likes them a lot. In a way, she loves them. She can envision herself working with them for
years. But something is telling her not to get too closedont let them get under your skin,
Taeyeon. Dontlove love them. If they knew you, they would run.
So she keeps them at arms-length. She listens to their feelings, their thoughts, their emotions,
and she swallows her own. She thinks of good things to saygood, encouraging things.
Sometimes she looks at them and her heart clenches with how much they are coming to mean
to her and thats when she knows she needs a break, to close off for a few days, weeks.
She spends a lot of time thinking about love and how many forms it appears in.

Thats enough, she tells Tiffany one day, softly, under her breath. The rest of the girls are
talking over the commercials in the radio booth. Her hand finds Tiffanys underneath the
table and she squeezes her fingers gently, briefly, before letting go. Her cheeks are hot. Stop,
okay.

Tiffany looks at her. Playing dumb is her new thing. Its cute and has garnered her a lot of
fans. Like most things in this business, theres as much truth to it as there is falseness.
Stop what? she asks, just as soft.
The whole Taeyeon frowns. Embarrassed. The couple thing. The fanservice.
Knock it off.
Tiffany blinks at her. She has pretty eyes. She has pretty everything. Thats really the
problem.
Why? Its fun. The fans like it.
I know they like it, Taeyeon hisses, but it makes me uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable? Tiffany rolls her eyes. Its just for fun.
But it isnt fun, Taeyeon wants to say. It isnt really fun when the person you think youre in
love with plays with you like that, for the sake of fans. It isnt fun, really, because that person
doesnt love you back, but theyre still pretending because they think its fun. It isnt fun.
I just, Taeyeon says softly, delicately. Despite the softness of their conversation, the serious
tone of it seems to have attracted spectators. Across the table Sooyoung looks at them,
frowning.
Its not even really fanservice, TaeTae, Tiffany points out. I mean, I think its okay if the
fans know that were really close, and obviously were just joking around
Yeah, but. Taeyeon wets her lips. Tiffany hasnt seen the comments on the internet. Isnt it
unprofessional of Taeyeon to show that much favoritismand Couple fanservice is one thing
but if youre the team leader shouldnt you like all members equally, instead of favoring
one or the worst ones, the ones lined with sinister intention, the Doesnt it seem like theres
something different about Taeyeon and the I like her voice but Ive read rumors about her
that make me dislike her.
She knows she shouldnt read them; she tells the rest of the girls, repeatedly, not to read the
comments, but she cant listen to her own advice. Its like a sickness. As soon as she steps off
stage, off the camera, back from the microphone, she has to look. Her fingers type in her own
name without her realizing it and she cant help but look, make herself sick with the things
people say. There are nice things, there are supportive things, but they seem so small and
pitiful compared to the gigantic looming words like unprofessional and favoritism and the
worst one: rumors, those rumors, rumors.
I honestly didnt think it would bother you, Tiffany says later, at home. Its been a day-long
argument. Since debut, all conversations and arguments occur like thisin small windows of
time between schedules, stretching out sometimes for days because of lack of time. There
was hardly time to breathe, let alone talk, let alone argue.
You didnt think it would bother me?

Because youre, you know. Tiffany shrugs, looking around to make sure none of the other
members are lurking around the kitchen.
Because Im, you know, Taeyeon repeats wryly. What does
Well, I mean, I wouldnt do it with someone if I thought it would make them uncomfortable,
Tiffany reasons. But I guess maybe youre sensitive.
Taeyeon counts to ten slowly in her head and reminds herself that Tiffanys Korean
is awful and thats why shes sometimes not as tactful as she should be. She sets her jaw.
Yeah. Thats why. Because Im sensitive.
Tiffany sighs. I dont get what the problem is, but if you want me to stop, Ill stop. What am
I supposed to do, stay away from you on camera? Should I pretend youre not my best friend?
Ooh, should I act like were complete strangers? That could be fun.
Taeyeon massages the bridge of her nose. Youre being immature. Im just asking you to
stop the pretend couple thing. I dont care if people know were friends.
You dont seem to have a problem when Jessica does fanservice with you.
Thats different.
Why?
It just is. Okay? This makes me uncomfortable.
Tiffany looks at her for a long moment and then her expression softens. Okay. Whatever
you want.
Really?
Yeah. Whatever makes you happy, Ill do it. She smiles. Taeyeons entire body feels warm.
Thanks, she says softly.
They stand alone in the kitchen quietly. Tiffany taps her fingers on the counter; she wants to
say something. Taeyeon can tell.
What, she prompts.
Taeyeon. Tiffany looks at her. Her expression is careful. Have you thought about, you
know. Telling the rest of the girls.
Taeyeon scratches her head. I dont think its their business.
I mean its up to you, of course, Tiffany says hastily. I just mean. We live together. We
work together. Were friends. Dont you think they would want to know?

Taeyeon shrugs. Shes thought about it. But truthfully, if Tiffany hadnt figured it out on her
own, Tiffany wouldnt know either. She wouldnt have told her. Its not something she feels
capable of saying, even as much as she realizes its true. Tiffany is the only person in the
world, other than Taeyeons ex-girlfriend, who knows, and that means something, Taeyeon
thinks. Maybe.
I just think
I dont want
Theyd understand, Taeyeon, Tiffany says quietly. Theyre really nice kids. Youd know
that if you let yourself get close to them.
Frowning, Taeyeon shakes her head. Is it obvious that she wants to keep them at a distance?
Is it just obvious to Tiffany because Tiffany knows her best, or is it obvious to them as well?
I dont know. Ill think about it.
She fully plans, really, on not thinking about it at allshe says it to appease Tiffany, but
truthfully she has no intentions of telling anyone anything. Thats her plan, anyway, but
Jessica ducks her head in the kitchen. Her face is scrubbed of makeup and her expression is
one Taeyeon is not used to seeing from hershy, hesitant. She knows that Jessica is a shy
person, but even around them she usually attempts some pretense of bravado.
Hey. I was looking for you guys.
You found us, Taeyeon says uncomfortably. We were just, you know, standing quietly in
a dark kitchen, staring at each other. Apparently.
Thats a good way to spend a Saturday night, Jessica jokes but her entire demeanor is
awkward, tense. Had she heard them talking, Taeyeon wonders. Her heart beats fast.
Whats up? Tiffany asks, sensing Jessicas mood as well.
Uh, nothing. I was justum, I want to talk to everyone. So I wanted to make sure everyone
was home. So I could. Talk to everyone. Uh.
Is everything okay? Taeyeon presses.
Yeah! Yeah, uh Its weird seeing Jessica like this. Uncomfortable. Taeyeon feels on edge,
watching her. She doesnt want to see other peoples weaknesses; it makes her feel protective.
She doesnt want to feel like this.
Um, Im going to get the rest of the girls. Can you meet me in the living room?
Sure.
Taeyeon checks the clock as she and Tiffany make themselves comfortable in the living room.
Its a little after four in the morning. Their schedules had only finished two hours earlier.
Jessica is usually the first in bed after a long day like the one theyve had; whatever is
keeping her awake is important, Taeyeon thinks.

Unni, youre being so cryptic, Yoona whines as the rest of the girls file in, flopping down
on the floor in a loose circle. Somehow its natural for them to gather that way, little to no
thought ever put into formation.
Are you pregnant? Hyoyeon jokes, cleaning her glasses before putting them back on. She
looks like she had been sleeping.
Im not pregnant, Jessica laughs.
Good, that would totally ruin my career.
Dont worry, Kim Hyoyeons Career is pretty much number one on my list of priorities.
What about Choi Sooyoungs Career? Sooyoung demands.
Dead last.
Wow, sleep with one eye open, Jessica.
They laugh lightly and then it dies out, weary with exhaustion. Jessica looks at all of them
fleetingly, but individually. Shes chewing her lower lip so hard Taeyeons surprised it isnt
bleeding. Despite herself, Taeyeon spares a glance to Tiffany, whose expression is serious.
Gentle. Taeyeon can tell she thinks she knows what Jessicas going to tell them.
Uh, I wanted to talk to you guys Jessica begins and then breaks off uncertainly. I mean,
we debuted a few months ago, so I dont know. Its been a really difficult couple of months,
and um, I feel like its moved so fast and I just thought Id let you guys knowuh, how
much I like working with you. And living with you. Andyeah, all that stuff. It seems as
embarrassing for her to say as it is for them to hear. They all shift uncomfortably. Sentimental
displays of emotion arent exactly frowned upon, but all nine of them are somehow all
similarly embarrassed by that sort of thing. They try to avoid it when possible. It isnt that
they all dont agreeits just difficult to be eighteen, seventeen and sixteen years old and tell
people you love them without feeling corny.
Yuri laughs. You pulled us out of bed to be gross and cheesy? she asks lightly, breaking the
awkward atmosphere a little. Thanks, Sica.
Yeah. Jessica laughs halfheartedly. Also I feel like weve all become really close. So. I
wanted to tell you. I thought you guys should know, you know, that Im dating someone
They all nod slowly. Jessicas voice is shaking. Sunkyu touches her shoulder gently. A lot of
them had suspected, because she had been sneaking around a lot.
I just want to be upfront about it, Jessica goes on, her voice becoming smaller. The person
Im dating is, um female, so thats what I wanted to tell you
The room is so silent that Taeyeon can hear how hard Jessica swallows once shes said it.
Taeyeon has to hold her breath. She glances at Tiffany, who glances back at her. Her hands
shake for some reason.

Sooyoung is the first to break the silence. She and Hyoyeon have known Jessica the longest.
Ah, Sooyoung says lightly. Its that unni, right? She smiles.
Jessica laughs nervously, relief hesitantly crawling across her features. Yeah. Its her. Weve
been dating for a few weeks now.
Thats cool. Shes pretty.
Once Sooyoung says it, the rest of them relax. They agree. Jessica relaxes. Yuri tries to give
them a couple name. Hyoyeon jokes that she didnt realize Jessica could get a girlfriend that
pretty. Taeyeons heart beats so loudly she can barely hear them; it roars in her ears, throbs
behind her eyes.
Im really glad you told us, Tiffany says, finally.
Relief has washed through Jessicas body so completely she looks boneless. Taeyeons entire
body feels rigid. The more relaxed Jessica becomes, the more she feels herself strung tight.
Jessica exhales heavily, smiling. So its okay with you guys that I, you know, would uh,
date a girl?
Yoona laughs. Why wouldnt it be okay? Since thats who you want to date.
No one disagrees. Whether theyre all genuinely okay with it, Taeyeon doesnt know; shes
not sure if they know, really, either, just that they know they love her and wouldnt dare make
this harder on her than it already is. Consolation is first priority, and their instinctive
protectiveness gives Taeyeon goosebumps, unsettles her. She can feel Tiffany looking at her.
She breathes evenly.
Jessica looks at the youngest. Juhyun, is this okay with you?
Juhyun frowns thoughtfully. Its a lot less gross than if you dated a boy.
Jessica laughs and then glances at Taeyeon. She fights to keep her expression neutral, but its
difficult, and she knows she must look pained. Jessicas voice is even more careful when she
addresses her.
Is it okay with you, Taeyeon?
Taeyeons tongue feels too heavy to move. Tiffany nudges her. Uh Taeyeon begins,
uncomfortable. She sees the rest of the girls exchange looks. Its okay.
The atmosphere has become uncomfortable. Jessica smiles nervously. Your opinion matters
a lot to me. I dont want you to be freaked out.
Im not, Taeyeon says, and thats all she says.
It has to do for the moment. They go to bed. The weeks stretch forward and teenagers
become seasoned idols and at a certain point, they stop being friends and start being a family.

There are times when Tiffany says you should tell them and there are times, inextinguishable,
tense with desperation, times when Taeyeon thinks I should tell her.
She attempts to keep them at arms-length until her arms give out.

present
(2015)

Taeyeon closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. Okay, she began,
exhausted, all yes votes raise your hand.
A quiet moment passed.
Oh, Im going to have to open my eyes to count votes, arent I? Wearily, she lifted her head
and opened her eyes. As expected, four members had raised their hands. Taeyeon cursed
under her breath. She hated being the tie-breaker.
Uhhh
What did you think, Taengoo unni? Juhyun asked.
Uh, well truthfully, my brain leaked out of my ears like an hour ago, so I dont even
remember what it sounded like, Taeyeon mumbled vaguely. So Ill say no, it sucks.
You suck, Tiffany shot back. She had raised her hand the highest.
Okay, Taeyeon agreed. I suck and the song sucks. Neither will be on the album. Next song
for eight-membered Girls Generations album, lets hear it.
Sunkyu loaded up the next demo. Taeyeon shifted in her seat. Her ass had fallen asleep
roughly two hours ago. They had spent the entire morning sifting through the many demos
sent to the label from various and many songwriters, of which there were hundreds. With the
new responsibility that the co-producing title they had all begged for came with was the
added burden of having to select which songs to record. It was mind-numbing; the ones that
werent just plain awful were of such awful production quality it was hard to tell whether
they could be good or not. Never again would Taeyeon complain about the labels ability to
pick songs for them; it was a terrible job. She had started the morning taking diligent notes on
which songs she liked; by now her notebook had devolved into wrathful angry scrawls
of BAD MUSIC and EVERYTHING IS BAD and I HOPE MY EARS FALL OFF which were
wholly useless for assembling any sort of album.

Unwillingly, her mind wandered. What would happen after this? Would this be the last album
she ever recorded? Not just the last with the group, butthe last album ever? She couldnt
imagine herself releasing a solo album. She couldnt imagine where she would even release it.
She couldnt imagine anything past this very moment.
Hey, do you guys want to hear some news? Jessica asked when they decided to break for
lunch. They sat on the floor of the office in a tight circle, eating from a pile of food in the
middle.
Only if its good news, Sooyoung said just as Hyoyeon said, Only if its bad news, and
Yuri said, Only if its sexy news.
Its horrible news, Tiffany interrupted. Its horrible news from a horrible person.
If Tiffany unni thinks its horrible, I definitely want to hear it, Yoona said.
Its not anything big, Jessica said calmly even as she gave Tiffany a cold look. I just
wanted to let you guys know, Im moving in with unni.
In her apartment? Yuri asked. Thats awesome, her apartment is so much bigger than
yours.
Yeah, she makes way more money, Sooyoung agreed.
Jessica frowned. Its not because its bigger, its because I love her.
Love is really cool, unni, Yoona said dismissively, but penthouses are cooler.
Seriously, she has that view of the Han river
Dont listen to them, Taeyeon said. She smiled. Thats great. You guys have been dating
forever.
Its a big step, but Im excited, Jessica said. She had become shy. And I dont think itll be
suspicious or anything because, you know, theres been news articles about the two of us
being friends. I mean, Ill ask one of the managers what he thinks.
Im sure itll be fine, Taeyeon said. Im really happy for you. Youow, why She
rubbed her shoulder where Tiffany had punched her.
Youre supposed to be on my side! Tiffany cried.
I dont know what your side is!

She cant move in with her, because then Id have to find a new place to live. I cant pay the
rent on my own.
You can do a bunch of easy commercials to make money, Yuri said. I just did all those
CFs and I made so much money.
But I dont hate myself as much as you apparently do, Tiffany whined. Seriously oh my
god a commercial about raisins
Hey, theyre not just raisins, theyre raisins covered in yogurt
Get another roommate, Juhyun suggested.
Tiffany didnt reply, electing instead to consider it before, it looked, dismissing it outright.
Except suddenly, she brightened, turning a stunning, dizzying smile on Taeyeon.
Hey she began.
No, Taeyeon said.
Tiffany hit her. Why not?
Because you keep hitting me and no, I dont want to live with you.
Eyes narrowed. Yes, you do.
Yes, she did.
No, I dont.
Come on, weve lived together before. Im a very considerate roommate. Ask Jessica.
Jessica shook her head slowly, looking at Taeyeon with wide eyes.
No, Taeyeon said.
Taeyeon
Tiffany just looked at her, eyes round as full moons. Taeyeons stomach fell. There was a
heavy feeling of dread working its way through her bloodstream. She was never getting out
aliveshe knew it. The more she tried to pull away, the harder she was yanked back. Saying
no to Tiffany had never been something Taeyeon had done very well and no one knew that
better than Tiffany herself.

She sighed.
Ill think about it, she said, but Tiffany smiled.
She knew what Ill think about it meant.

chapter eleven

Many people were lucky if they had one good friend in their lifetime, yet Taeyeon had been
blessed with eight, even if sometimes she felt more burdened than blessed. They had ways of
working themselves into every crack and crevice of her existence. She hadnt known this
when she was a kid, but apparently friendship was being a pest, ingratiating yourself into
every aspect of a persons life, hovering over them when they wanted to be alone the most. It
was a thing to complain openly about and secretly cherish. Taeyeons best friends were like
this more than anything else. There was no slipping into yourself, shutting out the world; they
were always there.
Unless, of course, she needed someone to help her move, in which case they were all
mysteriously absent.
Youre unnis favorite, do you know that, she told Yoona, the only member that had
bothered to show up. She held the elevator door open as Yoona carried past her two heavy
boxes stacked on top of one another.
I did know, Yoona said deftly, but its nice to hear.
Cant believe even Juhyun betrayed me, Taeyeon grumbled, scratching her head. You
expect betrayal from Choi Sooyoung, but my little Juhyun
Shes working, unni. They're all working. Its not betrayal. Why didnt you call one of the
managers, they might have helped?
I did, I called Kibum oppa. He laughed and hung up on me.
Oh.
She understood that moving was tiring to help people do because she was still sore from
helping Jessica move into her girlfriends apartment last week. But Kwon Yuri started every
morning with two hundred one-handed push-ups, clearly she was in much better shape than
Taeyeon! And Jessicawell, Jessica was generally pretty useless, but since Taeyeon had
helped her move, the least she could have done was show up and provide eye candy.

Anyway, thanks, she said, sighing. She punched Yoona on the shoulder playfully. You
couldve bailed too, but you didnt.
Yoona shrugged and looked at the floor. I didnt want you to do this alone, unni. Her voice
was even. The elevator doors opened.
Thanks, Taeyeon said, light, ignoring the hidden meaning she expected Yoona was
attempting to inject. Youre the best. If Tiffany didnt live here, she probably would have
bailed too.
I dont think Tiffany unni would ever bail on you.
Taeyeon frowned, lifting a box with an inelegant grunt. She kicked at the propped open door
of Tiffanys apartment and dropped it on the floor with an exhausted exhale, moving aside
quickly to let Yoona walk in. She strode past effortlessly with her two boxes.
Barely breaking a sweat, Yoona tossed her hair out of her eyes, shifting the boxes in her arms.
Where do you want me to
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! Tiffany squealed, running across the living room
in only a towel. Her hair was wet.
Really! Taeyeon cried in exasperation as Tiffany shut the door to her bedroom quickly.
You just got out of the shower? Yoona and I are halfway done already, youre supposed to
be helping.
Im sorry! Tiffany cried through the door. It took forever to wash my hair! Im cutting it
all off as we speak, Ill never keep you waiting again!
Taeyeon sighed.
"Why did unni shower anyway," Yoona muttered, "when she's just going to get sweaty and
need to shower again later..."
"Because she's a moron," Taeyeon suggested helpfully.
"I heard that!"
"That's because I said it loud."
Tiffanys door opened hesitantly. Her head poked out. Uh, Taeyeon?
Yes.
I left my clothes in the bathroom, could you
Taeyeon accidentally dropped the box she was holding. Are you naked in there?
What kind of a question is th

Yoona set her own boxes down. Ill get them.

Thanks, Yoona.
Taeyeon put her head in her hands and attempted to look away as Yoona handed Tiffany a
folded stack of clothes through the door crack and Tiffanys clean, bare shoulder eased out
from behind the door. It shut quickly. Taeyeon released a breath she didnt even know she
was holding.
Yoona gestured helplessly toward the closed door. You have to live with that everyday now,
you know.
Taeyeon laughed, shaking her head. Ive done it before, I guess I can handle it.
When the three of us moved in together, Sooyoung unni and I made Yuri unni sign a
contract saying she wouldnt walk around naked, its worked pretty well so far.
Ill consider that, Taeyeon said dryly, but wondered who in their right mind would think
Yuri walking around naked would be a bad thing.
Tiffany managed to help them get a few more boxes up before she wandered away to buy ice
cream to reward their hard work. Taeyeon felt that the best reward for hard work would
be less hard work, which could certainly be accomplished by Tiffany helping them for more
than ten minutes, but she had really never been the sort of person who could turn down ice
cream.
She and Yoona rested on the back of the moving van for a little while. The moving had
attracted a small crowd earlier when bystanders had realized who the people carrying boxes
in and out of the building were, but the crowd had dispersed awhile back. Taeyeon had no
doubt that devoted fans had made the connection of where she was moving and with whom
she was moving in with, and made a note to stay even further away from the internet than
usual for the next few days. Histrionic, excitable articles about Girls Generations Taeyeon
and Tiffany moving in together was really more than she needed right now.
The only fans left were the girls who followed her around regularly. Taeyeon had heard them
talking earlier about having to adjust their schedules so that they could continue to follow her
with her new address in mind. She wondered what they thought about her crawling back to
Tiffany like a dumb spineless moron, and then felt oddly disgusted with herself for caring
about what they thought.
You are spineless, though, she told herself, and then snickered.
Yoona nudged her. What are you laughing at.
Nothing. Hey, thanks for showing up.
Youve said that like, a thousand times now, I get it, unni. Im just less employed than
everyone else, I guess. Yoona grinned at her. Honestly, Im a little happy that no one else
showed up, its been awhile since it was just the two of us.

Cant it be just the two of us in a situation less taxing for my muscles.

Come on, I carried four times what you carried.
Taeyeon made a pitiful whining noise anyway.
Yoona stretched her legs out and leaned back on her elbows. Unni, can I ask you something?
Taeyeon mirrored her. She nodded.
Do you think youre doing the right thing? Moving in with Tiffany unni?
She had been expecting this. She smiled a little. She forgot sometimes, because Yoona was so
mature and pretty, that she really was like a little sister.
She tried to look cheerful. I dont know if its the right thing. I definitely dont think its
the wrong thing, if thats what you mean.
I just mean Yoona frowned. I worry about you.
I know.
I know you can take care of yourself, but I cant help but worry, Yoona admitted. Yoona
had always been bad with serious discussions. For as long as Taeyeon had known her, she
had carefully dodged the grave and somber moments in favor of lightheartedness. It was a
thing she had always liked about Yoona. Yoona didnt need to be taken care of, and in a way
she was just as reticent about opening up as Taeyeon was; consequently, Taeyeon had never
felt burdened around her, pressured into being more open with emotions. Yoona was the laidback person Taeyeon wished she could be.
It was weird to look up to someone younger than you, but there it was.
Its okay, was all Taeyeon would say, but she meant it. It would be a good challenge. It
wasnt really in her nature to be hopefully optimistic, but she would give it a try. It was the
exact opposite, maybe, of what she was hoping to doextricate herself from Tiffanys life a
bit, and vice versabut maybe the physical proximity would make her stronger for it.
More and more the futility of basing her entire notion of contentment around a stupid feeling
shed had since she was fifteen years old was becoming ridiculous. It wasnt fair to anyone.
She kept telling herself that. It wasnt fair to herself, it wasnt fair to Tiffany. It wasnt fair to
anyone.
Can I tell you someth
Stop asking me for permission, Taeyeon said softly. Im not that fragile. You can say
anything you want.
Yoona looked at her, long and measured. I really look up to you, unni.

Taeyeon frowned. Anything except that.

I know you hate hearing stuff like that, but I really do. I wouldnt be able to handle
everything you handle.
I think its arguable whether Im handling it or not, Taeyeon admitted.
You are.
A shadow fell over them. Taeyeon looked up to see Tiffany standing over them, backed by
the sun.
I rushed because I figured you guys were hard at work, she said with a frown. She handed
them ice creams. Little did I know you were slacking on the job.
Look whos talking, Taeyeon commented, unwrapping her ice cream.
Ill do the rest all by myself, Tiffany declared, squeezing in between them.
That would be entertaining to watch. She sat up a little to check her phone. Hyoyeon had
sent a mass-text: HOUSE-WARMING PARTY @ TIFFANY AND TAEYEONS 10PM B.Y.O.
ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE AND/OR WEIRD DISGUSTING HEALTH DRINK THING IF
YOURE MAGNAE
How do I block Kim Hyoyeons number, she asked idly, typing out a sarcastic reply, and
how does she think she can just invite everyone to a party at our place without asking
permission?
It was my idea, Tiffany said, leaning her chin on Taeyeons shoulder to peek at the reply
she was typing out. Its just going to be the nine of us so Iwhoa, did you hit reply all,
magnaes going to scold you for using that word.
Oh yeah. She deleted the insult and tried to think of a more polite way of telling Hyoyeon
she was the worst person alive. She hit send. So theyre too busy to help me move but not
too busy to come over and get drunk, is that it.
Well, are you ever too busy to get drunk?
Good point. She checked the rest of her messages. Her thumb hovered for a moment over a
text shed received last night without noticing. She glanced toward Tiffany, now leaning on
Taeyeons arm and reading over her shoulder, out of the side of her eyes.
Do you mind?
Tiffany grinned. Why, are you hiding something?
Uh, no, I just
You want to read that text from Kang Hyejin, dont you?

I would like to read all my texts without an audience.

Does she send you dirty texts, is that why, is it going to be like Taengoo, what are you
wearing? Is thathey
Yoona had yanked her by the arm and pulled her away. Taeyeon shot her a grateful look.
Are you still seeing her, unni? Yoona asked, putting Tiffany in a headlock.
Uh, not really, Taeyeon said vaguely, too distracted to point out that they hadnt been
seeing each other in the first place. She looked quietly at her phone. Hyejin had gone to Japan
with f(x) for a concert; it was her first time in Tokyo. She had sent a selca, with Tokyo Tower
in the background and a short message: Like you said, it looks pretty at night!
She saved the picture because it was cute. Her phone background had been the same picture
of her and Tiffany for almost a year. She didnt really have the heart to change it, but thought
if she ever did, Kang Hyejin at Tokyo Tower might be an okay replacement. She typed a
reply.
Were just friends, I guess, she finally told Yoona.
Friends who sleep together? Tiffany joked, trying to wrestle out of Yoonas grasp. She
caught Taeyeons eye and her expression was serious, tensely curious despite the flippancy in
her tone.
Taeyeon shrugged. On the one hand, Tiffanys interest was disconcerting; on the other hand,
she guessed it was a normal thing for friends to talk about. She had no idea what the correct
path was toward trying to normalize their friendship.
I dont know.
Shes really pretty, Yoona commented. To Tiffany, she asked, Have you seen her, unni?
No.
Oh.
They lapsed into an awkward silence. Taeyeon suddenly wished she had never looked at her
text messages.
She stretched. Her arms felt sore already; she couldnt imagine how theyd feel tomorrow.
She was more than a little out of shape. Maybe they could promote a ballad, she thought
ruefully.
It took a few hours, but they managed to get the last of Taeyeons things upstairs. True to her
word, Tiffany had done most of the workmostly, Taeyeon suspected, because she felt
guilty about leaving her and Yoona to do so much of it themselves and it was just in her
nature, but she also felt distinctly as though she had sent Tiffany into a poor mood and her
new roommate was hoping to avoid her.

It really didnt bode well for the future, Taeyeon thought, that they were already victims of
one anothers moodiness after living together for mere hours, but she tried to think positively
anyway. She walked Yoona to the door so the younger girl could go home and shower before
returning later for the party.
Thanks again for coming.
Youre welcome again. Are you going to be okay? Ill be back in, she checked her watch,
three hours.
Taeyeon shrugged, amused. Im going to be living here now, so if I cant survive three hours
alone with her, that would be pretty bad, wouldnt it? Ill be fine. I promise not to jump out
any windows, okay.
Yoona just looked at her with big, sad eyes. A part of Taeyeon was touched at her concern,
but it made her skin crawl somehow. The last thing she needed now was everyone around her
feeling even more sorry for her.
Im serious, she said softly. Everythings fine.
Yoona took her hand, lacing their fingers together. She didnt say anything, only looked
pensively at the floor as she swung their joined hands distractedly. Taeyeon could tell she
wanted to say something, but they werent that different. The words refused to come out; it
was a familiar feeling to Taeyeon.
She squeezed Yoonas hand. Get out of here. See you later.
Yoona nodded, smiled. Okay, unni.
The apartment was deathly silent once Yoona had left. She could hear Tiffany, helpfully
unpacking Taeyeons things into her bedroom, but the air was restless with silence. She
wasnt sure why the idea of being alone with Tiffany was suddenly so terrifying to herthey
were alone together often enough already. Yet it was like being walled in now. If she needed
to get away, if she needed air, where would she go?
Tiffany looked up when Taeyeon came in. She was setting up her computer. Sorry about the
party thing, she said, her eyes apologetic. I didnt think it would bother you.
It doesnt, I was just kidding around." Taeyeon smiled. Its good, I have something to tell
everyone anyway.
She tasted metal in her mouth. Tiffany looked at her, frowning.
Everything okay?
Yeah. Just some stuff we need to talk about.
You know whats best, Tiffany said reflexively. Taeyeon bit her tongue, willing herself not
to respond. She began unpacking her clothes first.

TaeTae.
She didnt turn. Hmm.
Do you think its a good idea, us living together?
No, Taeyeon said calmly. I think its a terrible idea.
Do you think I manipulated you into agreeing?
Yes, she replied honestly. She began hanging up clothes. But I could have said no.
Are you angry?
No. She turned and caught Tiffanys eye. I just wish youd stop feeling like you need to
tie me down. Im not going anywhere.
Tiffany looked at the floor, ghosting the edge of a box corner with her foot. After what you
did, she began delicately, dont you think I have the right to worry about you leaving me?
Taeyeon winced. She hadn't expected Tiffany to ever bring it up again. Youre the one who
left, not me. She tried to mask the harshness of her words in a pleasant tone, but Tiffanys
sad smile was evidence enough that shed caught Taeyeons meaning.
Thats true, she said. Taeyeon had expected her to try and argue the point; the lack of fight
in her tone made her feel worse. She felt as if their roles had suddenly reversed. Tiffany was
usually the aggressive one who said things she didnt mean while Taeyeon passively allowed
it. She wondered how they had ever gotten to this point, how they had ever managed to
become so close to one another when their personalities were so antagonistic.
Sorry, she said quietly. She looked at the floor, too. Come here.
Tiffany did. She hugged her, tight. She felt Tiffanys arms circle around her shoulders, felt
her pressing close. She breathed her in for a moment. She wanted to say, then, that she
wished they would stop trying to hurt each other, and that she remembered the promise they
made, once, and that was why it was so hardthat she didnt know what to do, because it
was going to be painful either way, wasnt itwith her, without herand she didnt know
what to doshe didnt know what to do. She wanted to say it, but couldnt.
Instead, she hugged her, because loving Tiffany was a difficult thing, but it was also the
easiest thing.

Jessica and Tiffanys apartment had always been their default place for gathering, partly
because it was one of the biggest ones, and mostly because out of the nine of them, Tiffany
was easily the best and most considerate host. The one time theyd gathered at Yuri,
Sooyoung and Yoonas apartment had been like being left to fend for themselves in the wild.

Because she had spent the past two years of her life living alone, Taeyeon hadnt really
considered that living with Tiffany would disrupt her very dedicated lifestyle of being alone;
the rest of the group was one thing, but Tiffany was an exceptionally social person.
Although, she thought, watching Tiffany from across the apartment, she hadnt been very
social since coming back to Seoul. She wondered if it was just because she was so busy
getting back into the swing of working, or if shed cleared her head that much while in Los
Angeles.
Maybe it made sense. They were twenty-six years old. They had crested the mid-twenties;
they were closer to thirty than twenty, which was a sobering thought. At a certain age, she
guessed, you became less interested in casual socializing and more interested in family. For
Tiffany, the eight of themwere her family.
And hadnt she chosen them, Taeyeon thought.
She sighed and checked the clock. It was getting toward midnight. Some members had early
schedules tomorrow and as much as Taeyeon wanted to put this off, it was probably a good
idea to drop the news while everyone was still lucid enough to understand. She had been
nursing one drink all night, feeling far too anxious about what she knew she had to tell them
to even think about getting drunkwhich was something she needed to stop doing so much
of anyway.
Hey kids, she called into the kitchen. Can you turn down the music a little, I have to tell
you guys something.
You look serious, unni, Yoona said, frowning. They turned the music down and gathered in
the living room.
Seriously, last time you looked this serious you tried to step down as leader, Sooyoung
joked, sitting down on the floor next to the couch.
Taeyeon smiled wryly. It was hard to look at them like this. She was reminded, irrepressibly,
of the five-minute talks they used to have regularly before theyd moved out of the dorm. It
had been difficult, then, tootheir expectant stares, silent attention. She felt put on the spot,
even if she had instigated it.
Whats up Taengoo?
So, um. Taeyeon laced her fingers together and set them formally in her lap. She glanced at
Sunkyu, who gave her a slight smile. I was thinking this week, we should probably set out a
timeline for finishing this album. Since we want to use all original material, instead of
previously-recorded stuff, its going to take awhile, but since its the first album weve ever
attempted to produce, I think its fine if we take our time.

The other girls murmured in agreement. She steeled herself.

Um, the other thing is something Sunkyu brought to my attention the other day, after she
met with her uncle. She paused for a moment and considered, very briefly, coaxing Sunkyu
into breaking the news but she knew she had to. It had to be her.
Soso sunsaengnim mentioned that this would probablybe our last album together. You
know, as a group.
Silence.
She wasnt sure what she had expected their reactions to be, but the hushed, stunned silence
wasnt nearly as unnerving as the way they continued looking at herstill, expectant, waiting.
So
Hyoyeon shook her head. Waitwhat?
They all began talking at once. Taeyeons head ached.
What about our contracts, though?
I dont understand whywere still at the top, that seems so stupid
Are you sure about this?
Taengoo, what do you think we should do?
Um, she said softly. Her instinct, when cornered, was to look at Tiffany, but Tiffany was
staring quietly at her lap and wouldnt meet her eyes. She looked at Sunkyu instead, but
despite being the one to break the news to her, Sunkyus expression was just as expectant as
the rest of them, waiting for Taeyeon to tell them what to do.
Taeyeon didnt know what to do. She had never known what to do.
She cleared her throat, more out of habit than anything, but it did the trick of quieting them.
Lookwe have time to think about this. I mean, sunsaengnim said they would allow us to
finish this album, right? She glanced at Sunkyu, who nodded. I guess their intention was to
blindside us with this, but we have a heads up, and we canyou know. Figure out what we
want to do She trailed off. What did they want to do? Could anyone say?
She explained the rest of the situationabout the possibility of separate contracts, the
intention to promote them as soloists, her personal opinion that the unwillingness to officially

disband them would probably be the best way of making sure they actually did disband. Her
voice became smaller with each word; she remembered being eighteen years old and
burdened with her designation, terrified to talk to them.
Unni, what do you think we should do? Juhyun asked and they all looked at her. They kept
looking. She had never felt so many eyes on her before. She had performed in gigantic arenas,
surrounded by thousands of wide-eyed, watching fans, but this was much more. At least on
stage, she knew what to do.
Itsthis is a nine-membered group, Taeyeon said, vaguely, uncomfortably. What I
thinkit should be what all of us think, not what I think, she rambled. Quiet.
Yeah, but, Tiffany spoke for the first time, looking at Taeyeon pointedly, of the nine of us,
who do you think could have the most successful solo career? I think your decision makes a
big difference.
Taeyeon looked at her, confused. Theres no way of knowing who. Thats not the point. We
need to come to an agreement that were all happy with.
She was met with only silencea suspenseful, guarded silence, waiting for her to say
something. Always looking to her for the right answer.
But she had no ideashe didnt want to think about it. No one would want to be the first to
say lets do what we can to make sure we stay togetherbecause what if not everyone felt that
way? Just as no one could be the first to say maybe disbanding is the right thing because what
if no one else was on the same page? Coming up with a solution was like picking a side, and
Taeyeon had no idea what side she should want.
We have time to talk about it, she kept saying to the members as she walked them to the
door, making sure they all had arrangements of getting home safe. She said it to each of them
and felt she had to because they kept looking at her, waiting for to say something. It was
making her sick. For every we can talk about it were ten more what should we do Taeyeon
what should we do unni what should we do.
Once they were gone, she found Tiffany in the kitchen, cleaning up. Her face was drawn tight.
Taeyeon felt winded. Maybe, she thought, she should have told Tiffany first, alone. Maybe it
was favoritism, she thought with hollow amusement, the old guilt rearing its ugly head, but
maybe Tiffany had deserved that muchshe had chosen them. She had chosen Korea, the
group, the nine of them.
Miyoungie, she said softly, affectionately. Are you okay?
Tiffany nodded. She piled glasses in the sink. She was not okay. Taeyeon touched her elbow,
hesitantly, and tried to pull her close but she stayed rooted to her spot.

Do you want to talk about it? she pressed, but Tiffany shook her head. She looked up,
finally, meeting Taeyeons eyes.
What do you think we should do
Please dont ask me that, Taeyeon whispered.
Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Are you going to fight for this group, Taeyeon?
She didnt know what to say to that.
You arent, are you?
She wet her lips. II dont know.
Tiffanys eyelashes fell along her cheekbones. She looked down, exhaled quietly.
She took Taeyeons hand briefly, and squeezed it. Good night, she said, and walked past
her. The air went out of the room.
Taeyeons first night in her new apartment was sleepless.

chapter twelve
(2008)

Taeyeons nights are sleepless.

If she closes her eyes, this room has just four bare walls, floor and ceiling, empty; she is lying

on the floor, in clean air.

If she opens her eyes, there are three beds and she is in the one closest to the wall; there is a
window with the shade clumsily drawn, hanging crooked against the windowsill; a closet
stuffed with clothes; a minefield of a floor with things to trip over every few feet.
She takes a breath, breathes in the same air she breathes in every night as she lies here and
cannot sleep.
There is movement at the door, but Taeyeon keeps her gaze on the ceiling, breathes in and
out evenly. Yoona is filming late into the night. It could be Sooyoung, coming in to sleep. It
could be any one of the girls coming in to talk, unload their worries on her ever-patient ears.
She hopes it is, and hopes it isnt.
The bed dips; her stomach clenches. Tiffanys face comes into view, looming over her, hair
falling like a crashing wave.
Hey, Tiffany says. The room is dark. I didnt know you came home.
Just a little while ago.
Did I wake you?
Taeyeon laughs, lightly. She hasnt slept properly in weeks. She would love to be woken up
abruptly from sleep, because itll mean she has managed to drift off properly for once.
No.
How was your date?
It wasnt a date, Taeyeon grunts. She closes her eyes as Tiffany combs long fingers through
her hair, neatening up the messy bangs on her forehead.
Since this is like, the tenth not-a-date youve gone on with her, isnt it time you admit its a
date?
Taeyeon smiles a little. She feels Tiffany drag a finger between her eyebrows, gently, then
down her nose. Okay, I guess were dating.
Tiffany shoves her shoulder. When she opens her eyes, her best friend is grinning down at her.
What are you so happy about, she wonders, stretching.
Nothing. Im happy for you. Shes pretty. And shes always really nice to us backstage at
music shows.
Taeyeon lifts a shoulder casually. Yeah, shes pretty.
Tiffany hits her, again. Stop trying to be cool.

Im not trying, I just happen to be really cool, Taeyeon laughs. She rests her hand on her
stomach and feels Tiffany take it, lace their fingers together. They look at each other a long
time. Its moments like this, really, when Taeyeon is unable to think, and can only get lost in
the depths of Tiffanys eyes, wonder if anyone has ever looked this deeply into them. She
wonders if anyone has ever looked at her the way Tiffany does, and she wonders if Tiffany
looks at anyone else the way she looks at her. Its an agonizing thought, but it gives her hope,
sometimes.
Hope is dangerous, though, hope is self-conscious.
TaeTae?
Its been a while since shes heard the nickname. She slides her fingers through Tiffanys,
locking them tighter together.
Hmm.
Dont you think you should tell the other girls? Tiffany says quietly. I mean, especially
now. If youre dating.
Taeyeon shifts uncomfortably.
I mean, Tiffany goes on. They tell you when theyre dating, and
Yeah, but its not like I ask.
I just, I mean, its up to you, of course. I just dont understand why you dont want to be
honest with them. I mean, like, obviously no one is going to have a problem with it, you
know.
She doesnt know how to answer. She doesnt know how to tell Tiffany how desperate she is
to make sure no one gets too close, how she, Tiffany, is the only person shes let get this
close and sometimes she worries its a mistake, that its unnatural to love someone this
muchnot just romantic love, not just the way she feels when Tiffany comes out of the
shower and she wonders what the wet skin at the hollow of her throat tastes likebut the
way she feels, sometimes violently, desperately, that Tiffany is the best thing to ever happen
to her; she is the best friend Taeyeon will never deserve.
Im sorry, she says simply, I dont think I can.
They hear the front door open and close. Taeyeon checks the clock.
That must be Yoona, she says, groaning as she tries to sit up. Lets have a five-minute
talk.
The five-minute talk had been her idea. As she sits in a disorderly circle with her eight group
members, a throbbing pain in her head from days of no sleep, she is fully aware of the irony
of convincing them of a good idea to make them closer to each other, when its the last thing
she wants. She is unable to make her professional and emotional selves reconcile, but
convinces herself its in the interest of better teamwork, and not because they mean more to

her than she wants to admit.

Its your career, she tells herself day after day. The only thing that matters. The reason you
came here. You didnt come here for companionship, you came here to sing.
She wants to believe it more than she can make herself believe it. She takes steps to ensure
longevity, to make sure they can last as a group; she tells herself theyre steps to make sure
she can do this work for as long as she needs to. When she says Id like to be in Girls
Generation forever she tells herself it has nothing to do with them as people, its a need to
cling to the work and the sweat and the addiction to success. She gets lost in their words and
touched by their sincerity toward her, their earnest emotion, but she will not love them.
It has been a tiring hiatus filled with false starts and numerous stops and the frustration builds
in her like a storm. She thinks back to their debut and what they could have done better, more
efficiently, less controversially, so they wouldnt have to be in this position of potential worry
that the label will decide there isnt much use to them.
She is not a leader; shes selfish. She wants their teamwork to be perfect because the groups
improvement benefits her, solidifies her future, ensures her that she will reach the top and be
happy.
The talk draws to a close. She feels the need to wrap up, because tomorrow they go into the
studio again to record a song that will hopefully be releasedfinally, something, after
months of waiting, of feeling like they were set to debut againand they can try again,
maybe, group together and be a stronger group. Shes desperate for it.
I just want to make one thing clear, she says, and they all quiet. Maybe just to hear her,
because her voice is soft, or maybe because she speaks so scarcely that when she does,
theyre stunned into submission.
We debuted over a year ago, andI think we can all agree there were a lot of problems, and
hiccups along the way. But. She clasps her fingers together and looks at her lap; their eyes
make her nervous. I would like to do this, this job with you guys, for the rest of my life.
She is anxious to meet their eyes, but they look at her warmly and she feels it build in her
stomach, like a pleasurable sense of dread.
I know it sounds stupid, she says softly. But I mean that. So I thinkif we work hard now,
and do things bit by bit, then we canwe can be a strong group that will last a very long
time.
They agree. That night, she cannot sleep at first, as she usually cannot sleep. But beneath the
anxiety and worry and fear is an unfamiliar sense of security, safety, and it lulls her to sleep
like a boat rocking gently on a lake.

present
(2015)

Taeyeon thought, broodingly, that attempting to erect a wall around herself had somehow had
the opposite effect than anticipated. As time wore on, she thoughtpressing Hyejin to the
wall and meeting her lipsshe became more and more vulnerable, impossibly vulnerable.
Experience should have taught her that the more she attempted to distance herself from
something or someone, the more attached she would grow, and yet she had somehow allowed
this to happen.
Im sorry, she breathed, and her mouth found the pulse at Hyejins throat.
Sorry for what? The air dropped around them. Taeyeon clung to her, put her mouth next to
inviting lips. She wanted her mouth to be everywhere at once. She felt Hyejins arms tighten
around her neck and block out the memories.
She wasnt sure for what or whywhat memories. She kissed her. Hyejin had barely made it
two steps into the apartment, halfway out of her shoes, halfway out of her coat. It had been
awhile since Taeyeon had seen her, she admitted, but she had not expected to feel this eager
when she saw her.
Hey, she greeted finally, kissing her one last time. Welcome back to Korea.
Good to be back. Her flight had come in the night before, and Taeyeon had invited her over
for breakfast. Sorry Im a little early, I gave myself extra time in case I couldnt find the
place, but it was really easy to find. She looked around, finally getting her other shoe off.
The rest of her coat followed. Its really nice.
Yeah, its not bad, Taeyeon said. She couldnt stop looking at her.
Its bigger.
Yes.
Youre still in your pajamas. Im sorry, Im early.
Taeyeon looked down at herself in distraction. No, its okay. I was just going to take a
shower while I waited for youdo you mind waiting?
Not at all.
Or, she teased, you could join me.
I could, but Id prefer breakfast.
Taeyeon laughed. My poor pride.
What pride You have company?
Company?

She turned, following Hyejins gaze over her shoulder. Tiffany had come out of her bedroom,
eyes bleary with sleep. She blinked at the two of them in the entrance; Taeyeon waved halfheartedly. In a drowsy daze, Tiffany shuffled over to meet them.
Not company, thatthats Tiffany, you know Tiffany.
It was at this point, when Hyejin and Tiffany looked at each other with equal measurements
of confusion, that Taeyeon began to feel awkwardshe wasnt entirely sure why, though.
It was the first time they had met, but she had no idea why that should matter. Certainly there
were more than a few girls Taeyeon had slept with that had never met Tiffanymost, she
would surmise. Or hope. It was possibly, she reasoned, the weird feeling of standing between
the person you loved most in the world and someone you very much wanted to take to bed at
that very momentor it was that they were both looking at her with the same emotional
concoction of uncertainty and the barest hint of betrayal, as though she should understand.
She introduced them, uncomfortably, feeling strangely admonished by both.
Ive heard a lot about you, Tiffany said, polite. She seemed suddenly self-conscious,
adjusting her pajamas in a gesture so singularly endearing Taeyeon had to bite her lip.
Good things, I hope, Hyejin said vaguely, and seemed to not know how to react. So you
did you sleep over, or
Taeyeon looked at her, surprised. Whno. This is Tiffanys apartment. Our. Were
roommates.
Oh.
A heavy silence fell over them. Tiffany ran an anxious hand through her hair and excused
herself to use the bathroom. Taeyeon fidgeted from foot to foot.
You didnt mention you were moving in with her.
She looked up quickly. Didnt I? I thought I did.
I can review my text messages
All right, let me talk to a lawyer before you start presenting evidence, Taeyeon muttered.
Sorry, I thought I did.
You didnt.
Okay, sorry? The hair on her arms stood up. She couldnt help but feel defensive. I cant
live with my best friend?
Of course you can, I just dont understand why you didnt mention it.
Well, Taeyeon said, frowning. Youre not my girlfriend, are you. You said it yourself. I
dont need to tell you anything.
As soon as shed said it, an apology leapt to her lips, but Hyejin didnt look upset. She smiled

in understanding, concession. This didnt make Taeyeon feel any less admonishedin fact, it
was worse. It was exasperating to want to lash out and be only met with a condescending sort
of sympathy. The whole thing left her with a bitterness that was hard to erase, and her initial
elation at seeing Hyejin again was giving away to frustration, defeat.
Thats true, Hyejin said simply.
Im sorry, I mean
I know what you mean. I didnt think it would upset you this much. Does it feel like I
rejected you?
Now she wished she had never opened the door. She looked down, adjusted her gaze
somewhere near Hyejins collarbone, anything to avoid looking her in the eyes.
A little bit.
Hyejin laughed. Dont feel that way. She took Taeyeons hand. Id love to date you,
Taeyeon. Its just that you dont want to date me.
Taeyeon stiffened. I asked you, didnt I?
You did, but its not what you want. I know its not what you want.
That almost made her laugh. Imagine someone who had known her for less than a year
knowing what she wanted when she herself had no idea. She nodded, slowly.
So thats it? Thatsthe last word? Were just, what, friends with benefits?
We could be friends without the benefits, Hyejin joked.
No thank you, Taeyeon said delicately. She knew, objectively, that Hyejin was right, that
she didnt want a relationship, but knowing what she didnt want didnt make it any easier to
figure out what she did want. She sighed. When she finally raised her head again to meet
Hyejins eyes, she could only hope that she didnt look as vulnerable as she felt.
She tried to smile, ease the tension, but it was difficult. It was difficult to want someone this
badly and not know why, and difficult to feel this open and exposed, and difficult, maybe, to
pick apart the millions strings of different types of love that coursed through her like wind.
Hyejin looked at her for a long time before kissing her. Taeyeon, she sighed. I wish I
knew what you were thinking.
Taeyeon let her eyes fall to the floor. Her eyelashes felt wet. I wish I knew, too.

Of the in-house composers at the label, he was not necessarily her favorite, but he was easy to

work with and readily available; when she had asked him to meet with her at the studio, he
had been willing to do it the next day, and he had even brought coffee.
Hows the album coming along? he asked, sitting and stretching his legs out on the coffee
table in front of them.
Not bad. Because they were doing so much of the work themselves, Taeyeon found she had
become strangely reticent about discussing their progress. They were feeling their way as
they went along and it felt stressful to have the eyes of executives and artists who knew better.
No matter what happened, Taeyeon thought, this would be their project and no one elses.
I heard youre still tracking.
Mostly, and song selection, she explained. I think we want to write most of the material
on our own but were collecting a lot of demos in case we need backup, or cant come up
with a title song.
We? he repeated. Oh, I was talking about your album, but its good to hear the group
album is going well.
Oh. Taeyeons ears felt warm. That. Ive kind of shelved that indefinitely, Im really just
focusing on the group album for now.
Well, theres no reason you cant work on both.
I guess, she said uncomfortably. But Im not very motivated. I had a few months and I
only managed to finish one song.
But its a great song, one of the best Ive heard all year. I mean, I heard it before it was
mastered, but His smile was so friendly, so effortless. Inwardly, Taeyeon tensed. She sat
up straighter.
Thank you, she said hurriedly. Thats the song, actually, that I wanted to talk to you about.
Since Im not going to use it for my album, I wanted you to help me work on a new
arrangement for it so I can give it to the group.
He paused, blinking at her over his coffee cup. You want to put that song on the group
album?
Yeah.
But why? Its a great song. If you released it, it would top the charts for sure. It wont work
for the group, it couldnt possibly be promoted as a group
I know, I think it would make good filler, though.
Filler? Taeyeon, come on. His tone was scolding. What are you even thinking? Dont you
think about the future at all?
Of course I do, she said. He sighed impatiently. Taeyeon felt again admonished, for what

must have been the millionth time that day.

Look. Its your decision, of course. But that song could catapult your solo career. Why
waste it on a group album when you could be kickstarting the next phase of your career? If
you ask me, thats what you need to focus on at this point.
Taeyeon looked at him carefully. He was nothing but a songwriter employed by the company.
He wasnt a high-ranking executive. She wondered if there was any way he could know about
the labels plans to dissolve the group after this albumher instinct told her no, that it was
a decision made and kept among the highest echelon of board members.
That was it, though. He was just a random songwriter with no real stake in her career, or the
groups career, and yet even he felt that there was a next phase to move onto.
She exhaled briefly. I get what youre saying, she said, straining to be polite, but my solo
album isnt something I can focus on right now.
Its entirely your decision, of course, he explained carefully. His tone had become softer,
gentler, as though he sensed her defensiveness. Its your life, Taeyeon. Its your career. I
justits something to think about, you know? The other girls are, arent they?
Taeyeon laced her fingers together, set them tensely in her lap. Are they?
Arent they? Juhyunnie released hers already, I heard Jessicas working on one, I know Yuri
started production a couple months ago before she became too busy, and Tiffany, too
Still, Taeyeon interrupted. We want to release this group album next year, sostill
thats what were focusing on.
He seemed like he could tell he had hit a nerve. Okay, he said softly, smiling. Ill help you
with the arrangement, if thats what you want. Justremember what I said.
Yeah, said Taeyeon.
She thought it would be near impossible to forget.

Do you think its going to snow?

The air stood still. Taeyeon breathed on the window, then watched her breath vanish on the
glass.
Weather report said maybe. It feels cold enough to.
I think all of December will be cold. What are you doing for Christmas?
She turned and was startled by how close Tiffany was standing to her. The cold crept in from
the window and they had huddled together unconsciously. Taeyeon took a small step back,

trying to put a little space between them.

Nothing.
Are you going home?
I cant. I have a regular radio schedule, so it would be too much trouble to make the trip
home. What about you, are you going to visit your dad?
Tiffany pursed her lips together. No, I dont think so.
Why? You dont have any regular schedule, you could go.
Tiffany looked at her, at the space between them. Do you want hot cocoa?
When she turned around to head into the kitchen, Taeyeon shivered. It was cold.
Okay, she said, following her once she had picked up a blanket from the couch. She leaned
against the doorframe and watched Tiffany put the water on to boil. She bit back a joke about
Tiffanys ability to heat water being the extent of her culinary capability mostly because her
best friend seemed so suddenly preoccupied.
Is there something wrong? she pressed. You dont want to go home for the holiday?
I told you, Tiffany said distractedly, looking for mugs. This is home.
Okay, but still, your dad
Since youll be in Seoul, Ill be in Seoul. The decisiveness in her tone gave Taeyeon pause.
She distracted herself by wrapping the blanket around her shivering shoulders. Was it really
that simple for her?
You dont have to, she said at last, and when she looked up she found Tiffany in her space
again, adjusting the blanket around her shoulders.
She met her eyes. I know. I want to.
Taeyeon smiled. Okay. You and me for Christmas.
Like old times.
Yeah.
Unless Tiffany fiddled with the edges of her blanket. When she looked down her
eyelashes seemed so long, it was hard not to study them. Unless you have, you know, plans.
Here. Dont cancel them on my account.
Taeyeon shrugged. I dont have plans.
Not with Hyejin?

Taeyeon took a small step backwards. I dont think we wouldIm sure she has other plans.
But are you two Tiffany trailed off, pressed her lips together tightly; Taeyeon recognized
it as the face she made when she couldnt bring herself to say something.
She laughed lightly. Was that what all this was leading to? What was the point of beating
around the bush like that? Why dont you just ask? Were not dating.
Youre not?
No. I dont know how many times I need to say it. She couldnt read Tiffanys expression,
so she continued. And before you lecture meI was open to it. I asked her. She said no.
She said no?
Yes. Taeyeon swallowed, smiled bitterly. Why are you so surprisedIve been rejected
before. She looked at Tiffany meaningfully, but Tiffany had gone back to the stove and was
studying the water in the pot, bubbles dotting the surface lazily.
So you two are just
Friends. Like I said, friends.
Friends whoI mean, she spent the night?
Huh? No. No, I invited her for breakfast.
Oh.
You thought she spent the night?
Well, I assumed, I mean She waved her hands around erratically, unable to explain, and
then turned to finish making the hot cocoa. Taeyeon watched her and tried to figure out what
conversation Tiffany wanted to have, and which one they were having. She waited. Tiffany
wasnt like her. Tiffany couldnt keep things inside for very long.
I think we should like, have rules. And stuff, she said finally. She shook her hair out of her
eyes and carried both mugs of cocoa past Taeyeon and into the living room. Like about
dating and, um, like, people staying over. And stuff. She set the mugs on the table and sat
down on the couch.
Taeyeon joined her. Well, what were yours and Jessicas rules?
We didnt have any.
Then, why do we need She flailed helplessly, attempting to extricate one arm from the
blanket cocoon she had wrapped herself in.
Well, to be fair, Jessicas been with the same person for like, a million years, and you

havent been with the same person for more than like, a week, sooh my god, you big baby,
she sighed impatiently, yanking Taeyeons arm out from the tangled blanket and shoving the
mug of hot cocoa into her now free hand, what would you do without me?
I have no idea. What kind of rules? Dont bring anyone home?
Well, or, you know, ask firstokay, maybe not ask, just give a heads up, or
Taeyeon shifted uncomfortably. She could think of about ten million other topics she would
rather discuss with Tiffany. Thats okay, I dont bring anyone home if I can avoid it
anywayuh what about you?
What about me? Im not seeing anyone.
Youre the one who was all TaeTae, Im open to a relationship and all
Yeah, but Im not in one. Im focusing on work right now.
What about that guy back in L.A.?
What guy back in L.A.?
Taeyeon frowned deeply. You said there was some guy back in Califor
Oh, that. WeI meanwe live in different countries, so its not really
But was it serious? she pressed, holding her mug so tightly it began to shake in her hand.
Tiffany shrugged. Not really?
Are you still in touch?
Whats with the interrogation? Yeah, we talk sometimes.
Taeyeon set her cup down before she dropped it. She put her arms back into the blanket and
brought her knees up to her chest. The idea of Tiffany dating had, frankly, not occurred to her.
All she had thought about when moving in had been the difficulty of Tiffanys constant
proximityshe hadnt even considered the emotional stress of dealing with Tiffany dating
someone while they lived together. It had been bad enough years ago, when they dormed
together, but at least then there was a strict rule of no boys allowed in the dorm, so it had
never become a physical problem.
This was entirely different. Maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe if she saw Tiffany with
someone, it would help. Alternately, it could kill her. She hoped for the former. She tightened
an arm around her knees.
Lets just try not to bring anyone home. At all. She hadnt meant for her voice to sound so
weak, but it did.
Tiffany nodded. Thats fine with me.

That was that. She turned on the TV while Tiffany took the cups into the kitchen to wash. She
could feel a weight lifting but couldnt place why. When Tiffany came back and nudged in
close to her, she wrapped the blanket around them both and turned off the lamp. The light
from the TV made a slideshow on the glass coffee table.
Tiffany held Taeyeon tight around the waist. Taeyeon wanted to turn the TV off and go work
on some music, but Tiffanys breathing was even, relaxed.
She rested her head on Taeyeons shoulder. Yoona was right.
She usually is, Taeyeon replied sleepily, eyes glazed as she watched TV. About what?
Hyejin. Shes really pretty.
Taeyeon was not sure how to reply, so she murmured an agreement.
Like, really pretty.
Yes.
And I think you really like her.
She felt Tiffany shift, slide closer to her.
Yeah, she admitted. I do.
And I think she really cares about you.
I think you really think too much, she said with a hint of reproach, and drew an arm around
Tiffanys shoulders, hoping to quiet her. For her part, Tiffany seemed to get the hint.
She thought she must have drifted off to sleep, because the next time she looked at the clock,
an hour had passed and there was mindless late night television on the screen. She looked
down, expecting Tiffany to be asleep, but she was watching the TV attentively, her head
against Taeyeons shoulder. Taeyeon stirred, trying to stretch.
Should go to bed, she mumbled, but her head was too filled with sleep to be sure she had
said it at all.
Tiffanys voice was close; Taeyeon could feel her breath against her neck.
Taeyeon.
Hmm.
You talk in your sleep.
Thats really not new information. Sorry. What did I say?

Tiffany didnt reply. Taeyeon thought it might be very bad for her back, but if Tiffany wasnt
going to get up, she would fall asleep here. She tried to get comfortable, at least, sliding down
onto her back and bringing Tiffany with her.
Taeyeon.
Hmm.
You asked me a question.
Did I?
You asked me if I think about the future.
She opened her eyes. Tiffany was looking at her. Taeyeons mind was drowsy; in the halflight of the moon-bathed room, the television flickering like lights along her features, Tiffany
was beautiful, but she was more than that. She was thoughtful. She was sad.
Taeyeon wet her lips. Do you?
I dont think I do, Tiffany admitted. Any more. Does that make sense?
Maybe. Her mind was clouding.
I used to, all the time. When we debuted, I thought about the future a lot. You know? Like, I
could vividly imagine where wed be in ten years. But. She paused. Her voice was a low
whisper, hardly audible over the low hum of the TV.
But what.
I dont know. The futures the present now, I guess. I mean next year will be nine years
since we debuted. And now I cant think any further thanyou know, next week, next month.
Maybe next year. Thats as far as I get. I dont know what happens next. Does that make
sense?
Taeyeon swallowed. She wondered if Tiffany could feel how fast her heart was beating. She
wondered if that was her heart at all, if it wasnt Tiffanys instead. She tightened her arm
around Tiffanys shoulders.
It makes sense. Its the same for me.
Is it?
Yeah.
I just thinkit used to be really easy to imagine what was going to happen next. And now,
likewhats next? Whats the next phase? I try not to think about it, because I dont know.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. The next phase. He was right, she guessed. It was something they
had to think about.

She had believed, once, with her whole heart, that this was something she could do for the
rest of her life. It had been so clear, then. She had expected age and time to bring only more
clarity, but instead it had become muddled. She wasnt sure if she still believed that. She
really didnt know what she believed.
Tiffanys breathing was even. Taeyeon stretched her hand out toward the coffee table, trying
not to disturb her, her fingers groping blindly for the remote control to turn the TV off. The
room swallowed itself in darkness. She held her breath, wrapped the blanket around them
securely, tried to get comfortable, safe. There was only Tiffanys breathing, the ticking of the
clock, the rustle of their clothes as Tiffany tightened her arms around Taeyeons waist,
pressed her nose to the collar of Taeyeons shirt, her cheek against Taeyeons shoulder.
Taeyeon. Her voice was thick with sleep.
Hmm.
I dont know what Id do without you.
She laughed; it was soft but it echoed in the quiet room. Go to sleep.
I mean it, she murmured, her words slurred. When I try to think about the future I just
see you.
Taeyeon was silent. Tiffany yawned, mumbled.
Like we promised, right?
Taeyeon closed her eyes. She shivered; the cold had slipped in through the blanket.
Right.

chapter thirteen

There was very little Taeyeon disliked more than third-rate equipment, and she found that
this was more true with the greater control she had over what she used. A lack of caffeine and
a few weeks of relentless doubt and unease seemingly exacerbated this fact. The headphones
scraped across the table as she picked them up and put them on again, re-listening to the
sample she had just recorded.
I dont like it, she said to Juhyun for the tenth time that morning. Theres something about
the bass, like the low-end frequencies are cut, but if I keep boosting them, then
Unni, I think it sounds fine now, Juhyun said.

Not with the headphones on, theres no tone. Im going to record it again, but I think its this
synthesizer, I think this synthesizer was created by the devil.
Maybe its just those headphones, Yuri suggested from the couch in the corner, where she
had flopped down in exhaustion the minute Taeyeon had started complaining.
Maybe, but if it sounds flat on all headphones, then what? Working on bass was really the
last thing she needed to be doing with this headache. She rubbed her forehead, opening up a
new playlist on her laptop. Okay, lets put this one aside for now.
Juhyun glanced up as the door opened and Taeyeon turned, nodding to Jessica and Sooyoung
as they came in.
Hey, did you bring coffee? she demanded.
Sooyoung rolled her eyes. Yes, I got all thirty-seven of your texts.
I needed coffee, she explained weakly, taking the cup Sooyoung handed her.
I know, the seven-hundred and forty combined exclamation points made that pretty clear.
Wow, youre so good at math.
Unnis a little grouchy, Juhyun explained sadly, and as though Taeyeon could not hear.
She felt Jessica put her hands on her shoulders and massage the back of her neck. Whats the
matter, old lady.
Well, its Taengoo, Sooyoung pointed out, also as if Taeyeon was deaf, so its either
faulty equipment or Tiffany.
Or she hasnt gotten laid.
Maybe its all three, Yuri chipped in. Taeyeon, is it all three?
Taeyeon glowered. I dont like any of you.
It must be all three then.
Jessica stroked her hair. Where is Tiffany by the way?
Shes filming something, shell be here later, Taeyeon mumbled around the rim of her
coffee. She fiddled uncomfortably with the headphones in her lap. Shes been a little weird
lately.
How so? Sooyoung asked.
I dont know. Shes been avoiding me for the past few weeks? I mean, we see each other
everyday, but she doesnt seem to want to talk.

What a weird thing to complain about considering you never want to talk.
Sometimes I want to talk, Taeyeon said defensively. Anyway, its not that, its justher
behavior is so hot and cold. One minute were really close, and then shes pushing me away.
She took a breath. A few years ago there was no way she wouldve shared her feelings with
them like this. It was difficult, though, feeling like you didnt understand your best friend in
the world. The other members, at least, knew Tiffany as well as she did, so it couldnt hurt to
talk to them about it.
Sooyoung paused for a long, thoughtful moment. I actually think Fany has been really weird
ever since she came back from L.A.
Taeyeon practically sighed in relief. She has been, right? Shes been weird.
I dont think its fair to talk about unni when shes not here, Juhyun said somewhat
disapprovingly.
Get real, Juhyun, when are we going to talk about her, thenwhen she is here? Sooyoung
said. Shes been a littledifferent. Im worried about her.
Well. Jessicas hands stilled against the back of Taeyeons neck before settling comfortably
on her shoulders. I think the news about the group probably shook her up a lot.
I think it shook us all up? Sooyoung pointed out.
Yeah, but FanyI mean, her whole life is in this group.
Taeyeon bit her tongue.
Where do you think my whole life is? Sooyoung shot back.
Oh my god, youre just picking fights all day, Yuri complained, getting up to strangle her.
Its not a competition, Taeyeon murmured in reprimand. I think we know that we all love
this group.
I think, Jessica began delicately, that since Tiffany came back, shes been a little clingy.
And I thought about it, and its really the longest shes been away from any of us. I tried to
put myself in her place, and figure out how Id be if I spent three months away from you
guys.
Youre always clingy, Yuri pointed out.
I am, because youre so cute.
I didnt think shed come back, Taeyeon said suddenly, staring off into space. They
stopped and looked at her. The longer she stayed there, the less likely I thought it was shed
come back. After a month I thought, thats it, shes not coming back.
Maybe she thought she wouldnt, either, Juhyun said. Taeyeon was caught off-guard.

Maybe.
She thought about it. It was baffling. It wasnt just that she was utterly, wholly, earthshatteringly in love with Tiffany, but Tiffany had also been her best friend for ten years. She
sometimes liked to pretend she knew Tiffany better than anyone elsewasnt that the
privilege of the best friend title, after all. Yet, really, she found Tiffanys mind nearly
impenetrable most of the time. So much of her was on the surface that anything underneath
became impossible to fathom.
When she thought about it, really, she thought that maybe once upon a time a teenaged girl
had left her family behind to move to a different country, all on her own, and that it was a risk,
and would always be a risk. The rest of them had a safety net. Even she, Taeyeon, could go
home to Jeonju if the end came. Tiffanys life was here, or it wasnt. The group was her
safety net; she had built her entire life here.
Taeyeon closed her eyes. Jessica scratched gently at the base of her scalp.
No wonder Tiffany was so determined to hold onto her. How could she deny her? What sort
of best friend would she be if she didnt protect her from that? She forgot, sometimes,
because Tiffany was stupidly strong and independent and smartand maybe she was a little
biasedthat Tiffany could need protection too.
She sighed. The girls were looking at her.
Well have to figure out what to do.
She studied them. She still had no idea where they stood, and she was terrified to ask. She
knew where Tiffany stoodTiffany wanted the group to stay together, at all costs. Tiffany
had been the only one of them to come to her and explicitly say so. Taeyeon wasnt sure what
to make of the apparent silence of the rest of the members. Did some of them think the
dissolution of the group was somehow for the best? Or were they like her, only silent because
it was too difficult to wrap her mind around, too complicated in scope to really
know what she wanted?
Because the truth was, there was a part of her that needed to be with them so badly she didnt
know what she would do otherwisethat was the loudest part. But behind that, small and
soft with whispering hesitance, was a feeling she could only label relief. Maybe it would be
painful, but maybe letting go would mean freedom from the stress and the constant headache
and the burden of loving people too much. Maybe that would be the best thing.
She frowned and cleared her throat, effectively ending the conversation. She put the
headphones back on and replayed the basslinedespite her earlier assertion, she knew she
wouldnt put it aside until she got it correct, got it perfect.

Sorry for making you come to Apgujeong on Christmas, Jooyoung laughed as he held the
door open for her. Itll be quick, I hope the traffic isnt too bad.

Its no problem, she assured him, I can actually walk to my new apartment from here.
Oh, thats right, you moved in with Fany, he said. Hows that working out?
Its working.
All right, I wont pry. Im just glad youre living in an apartment with better security now, I
was so worried for you in your old place. Are those kids still following you around?
Yeah, of course. They dont take a day off for Christmas. She smiled wryly. Whats up?
Straight to business, right? Okay, well, Im just the messenger, Taeyeon, remember that.
They thought it would make more sense coming from a manager you know and trust than
someone in the legal department who youve never met, right?
Taeyeons stomach dropped. Wwhat?
She must have looked stunned because Jooyoung touched her shoulder gently, eyes widening.
Whoa, take it easy, Taeyeon. Im sorry. I shouldnt have made it sound so dramatic. Come
on, lets sit down.
Taeyeons mind raced as she took a seat. Being caught off-guard was up there on the same
list as third-rate equipmentthere wasnt much she hated more. Once again she had to
wonder who was aware of their current situation. She often thought of their managers as
trusted older brothers, some even close to father figures, and much on the same emotional
plane as she and the girls. The idea of any of them knowing, but keeping it from her, from
them, made her sick. It was business, sure, and they weren't saints; they had families to feed
and take care of and this was a job, plain and simple, to make money. Still, she didn't like to
think about it.
Jooyoung had fetched a bottle of water for her from his mini-fridge. He handed it over
wordlessly, looking contrite as he sat beside her on the couch. Taeyeon took a halfhearted sip
but capped the bottle almost immediately; anything in her stomach at this very moment
would make her sick.
Sorry, that was dumb, Jooyoung said at last, soft. He smiled. I shouldve figured out a
better way to say it. Dont worry. Take it easy.
Oppa
Its not anything big, Taeyeon, its just about that song you wrote.
She rolled the water bottle anxiously between her palms. All right?
Well, a lot of peoplewhen I say people, I mean board membersthink you should keep
that song for yourself. For your solo album.
Board members? It was just a stupid pop song, she thought, her heart constricting. Oppa, I

dont want to release a solo album anytime soon.

Taeyeon, I know you dont. Butyou know, that if they wanted you, too, youd be
contractually obligated to. Im not saying anyone would make you do that, but you know that,
right?
Of course I know that.
So, while they could make you save that song for your solo album and then in turn
they could make you release one, theyre saying the choice is up to you. If you want to put it
on the group album, you can.
Then, if the choice is up to me, I dont really understand the point of this conversation. No
offense.
None taken, he laughed. Another smile. Open, friendly. Again, Im just the messenger,
Taeyeon. Their point is that the terms of your contract right now state that the song is
intellectual property of the label, and not you. So technically, they could do whatever
they wanted with that song, even though youre the one who composed and wrote it. They
could give it to another group, if they wanted, or they could sell it. You know that, right?
Of course. This wasnt new information. She was more than well aware that all of the
songs shed written over the past few years were owned 100% by the label. It hadnt bothered
her too much in the past, really, because they had made her jump through so many hoops just
to get her material produced that every song felt like a victory. She had written them under
the tacit agreement that although the label did officially own them, they would never have
any reason to do anything with the songs without her permission. She knew logically that this
sort of agreement was far from legally binding, but she had never had to worry about it in the
past.
Let me make sure I understand what youre talking about here. She kept her eyes on her lap
and hoped her voice didnt shake. The thoughts made sense in her head, but it was nervewracking to talk about something this serious, even with someone she trusted and liked. This
is just, what, a simple reminder that they own everything Ive ever had creative input in and
theyre not going to make me do anythingtheyre just reminding me that they could, if they
wanted to?
Uh, Jooyoung began but Taeyeon cut him off.
Thats a little manipulative, dont you think?
I told them you were too sharp, Jooyoung said, grinning. I said you dont know Taeyeon
like I know Taeyeon, you dont have a wool thick enough to pull over her eyes.
Thank you, I guess.
But thats not really everything. Its not really just a reminder, its an offer.
Anoffer?

Yes. They want to offer a contract revision that would give you ownership of the songs
youve written. Obviously something would be worked out with royalties, but the terms
would stipulate full ownership of your own songs.
Taeyeon frowned. And?
And? What do you mean?
Oppa, you know I have a low tolerance for duplicity.
Youre in the wrong business, Taeyeon.
So Ive been told. Theyre telling me theyre not going to make me do anything and theyre
just innocently offering a contract revision that gives me even more power? And the rest of
the girls?
What about the rest of the girls?
Im not the only one whos written songs over the years. Are they being offered the same
contract revision?
I have no idea. They only asked me to talk to you.
Taeyeon closed her eyes, briefly. That meant no; she knew it. She had anticipated this,
somewhatlegal games. She hadnt known it would start this early, though. She wasnt sure
what to say.
Taeyeon. She opened her eyes. Jooyoung was looking at her gently. He bit his lip,
worrying it for a moment or two as though he was trying to decide whether to say something.
Im telling you everything I know. Oppas just the messenger, okay? Youll get the contract
revision in the mail, I assume, and the smartest thing to do would be to have a lawyer look at
it, right? But can I offer my opinion?
Of course.
I think, he bit his lip again and then released it along with a beleaguered exhale, they
probably think of you as a very safe investment. I think theyre probably willing to grant a lot
of concessions in exchange for your loyalty.
But what about everyone else?
I dont know, he said honestly, and then: But remember, youre an individual, Taeyeon.
Youre allowed to think of yourself.
Right. She felt dizzy. The inside of her head buzzed.
Well. Jooyoung checked his watch. Im going to go home. You should do the same.
Okay? They stood. He put an awkward arm around her shoulders. Merry Christmas,
Taengoo.

Thanks, oppa.

It seemed later than it really was when she emerged from the building; clouds had covered
the sky and were threatening rain, maybe snow. It felt cold enough for the latter, Taeyeon
thought, tightening her coat. She pulled her hat down, too. The streets were crowded. The
people usually chained to desks at midday found the cold and open air bright and clear, even
with the threatening clouds overhead.
She knew they were following her. They werent directly behind her, or anything, not on her
heels like sometimes. But she could feel eyes on the back of her neck, the practiced precision
of low-profile watching. She could feel, rather than hear, the click of cell phone cameras.
Their hushed mumbling did not reach her ears but it buzzed around her like a swarm of
insects, as indistinct as it was damning.
They stopped when she stopped, followed her into the coffee shop, stood behind her on line
as she ordered. Some of them ordered, too. She checked her phone. Tiffany had left church.
She texted On my way home and then pocketed her phone, turning.
You should be wearing a scarf, she said critically. Its cold out.
I will, next time, unni.
She felt oddly safe, surrounded by people brushing past them for their coffee orders, jostling
them slightly with bags or elbows. It was a weird sort of security that made her brave; on
most days, she hated them, they were nuisances. Today, she felt sorry for them.
She stepped toward the warmth of the counter, tapping her fingers on its edge. Its a holiday.
You kids should be with your families.
Its okay, one of them said, since its a day like any other.
Its not, Taeyeon disagreed. Even if you dont celebrate it, isnt it a day off? If I didnt
have to work, Id be with my family.
But youll be with Tiffany unni, the same girl pointed out. Isnt that almost the same?
That, Taeyeon began, and then could think of no way to finish. She fell into a frustrated
silence, not sure if she was more angry that they knew who she was spending her Christmas
with, or that they felt entitled to anticipate her feelings toward it. Now it felt like they were
closing in. She shouldnt have spoken to them, or validated them, or acknowledged them. She
should have told the barista she was a Girls Generation member; maybe they would hurry up
her order.
Lookyou She frowned deeply, bitterly. Do you know youre following around a
dead-end?
They shook their heads. They protested.

You are. In five years, I wont even be relevant anymore. Maybe even a year from now. Do
you ever think about that? One day Ill be all washed-up, and youll have wasted your time.
What will you even have to show for it?
She wasnt sure why she was talking to them. They were crazy. Anyone who would talk to
them, willingly talk to them, was crazy too.
I think unni will always be relevant.
No, I wont, she shot back, soft, dangerous. In ten years, Ill be worthless. No one will
even remember my name.
Except me, the girl returned, and they all agreed. Except us. Well remember. And in ten
years, well remember the time you spoke to us in a coffee shop.
Her coffee order was rattled off, then, and the cup dropped by her fingers on the counter. She
picked it up and looked down at the floor, willing her feet to move off and disengage.
Then youll be worthless, too, she told them on her way out.

She had spent countless Christmases with Tiffany, to the point where it was difficult for her
to remember how she had celebrated it before. Tiffany was excitable about Christmas, the
way she was excitable about most things. There were a lot of weird western customs Taeyeon
didnt completely understand but felt must have been important, because Tiffany was so
adamant about them. A lot of this had to do with western food that never really did very well
in Taeyeons stomach, so they had made a lot of compromises over the years.
One was that in exchange for allowing Taeyeon to eat Korean food, Tiffany was allowed to
decorate her stupid Christmas tree as stupidly as she wanted, which was exactly what she was
doing when Taeyeon came home.
Merry Christmas, Tiffany said, not looking up from the tree she was diligently draping in
ribbon.
Its going to rain, Taeyeon replied.
Merry Christmas, I guess, Tiffany said again, wryly, and Taeyeon laughed.
The japchae she had made wasnt nearly as good as her mothers, but she thought it was okay,
and even Tiffany, who was quiet during most of dinner, gave it a thumbs up. Taeyeon
thought about calling her mother, briefly, and then tried to think of the last time shed seen

her, and when shed see her again. She wondered, too, if she would have even gone back to
Jeonju if her schedule had permitted it. Maybe not. Maybe it would be too hard to come back.
She had heard Tiffany, earlier, on the phone with her father, and her tone had been too low
for Taeyeon to decipher any words, even if she had wanted to. Still, it had made her pause in
her dishwashing, shut the water off for a moment so she could hear the dull, comfortable hum.
The way Tiffany called home had always been different from the way she, Taeyeon, called
home. She had felt that way since she was a teenager. Their closeness, she thought, had come
from their shared experience of being so far away from home and having no one else to rely
on, but they had never approached it in the same way. When she called home, Taeyeon
always thought she sounded desperate, longinga tepid attempt at sounding reserved, maybe,
in an effort to not upset her mother, but stillher voice would shake and words would hang
in the air.
Tiffany always sounded resolute when she called home, like she had practiced the words in
her head beforehand, and she rattled them off like a monologue. Tiffany had a way of forcing
cheerfulness so convincingly that maybe even she didnt realize it was forced. They both
faked it, Taeyeon thought, but she faked it to convince her mother she was okay, and Tiffany
faked it to convince herself she was okay.
She glanced at Tiffany, next to her on the couch. They were watching a Christmas movie. It
was difficult to follow the plot, partly because it was dubbed in Korean and the mismatch of
lips and words always distracted her, mostly because she was sitting next to Tiffany and the
air felt thick and heavy with unease.
Fany.
Tiffany had been watching the movie with a serious frown as though it were a legal
proceeding, but she flicked her eyes briefly toward Taeyeon before glancing back at the TV.
Whats up.
She looked at her carefully. She pulled the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands and
wrapped her arms around herself.
Are we okay?
Tiffany turned to her and smiled. Her eyes disappeared. That was a cool trick, Taeyeon
thought; it hid how sad her eyes looked sometimes.
Why wouldnt we be?

You tell me.

Tiffany spent a long time looking at her. She smiled again, briefly.
Well always be okay, you and me.
Her hand found Taeyeons, pulled it out of her lap, and she hooked their pinkies together.
Tiffany turned back to the movie, and their hands fell between them, linked. Taeyeon looked
at the space between them, her smallest finger curled under Tiffanys. Her grip slackened;
Tiffanys tightened. The skin turned white from pressure. The rain picked up, beat against the
windows so loudly it drowned out the TV.
Taeyeon wet her lips. Tiffany reached for the remote to turn the volume up.
Im scared, Taeyeon told her.
Tiffany didnt reply; her gaze remained focused on the TV, but Taeyeon watched her draw
her lower lip between her teeth, lower her eyes. Her thumb hesitated above the volume button.
For some reason, Taeyeon held her breath, as though this was the first time she was seeing
Tiffany since she came back to Seoul. She had looked at her a million times, by now, at least.
Had to be. She had never noticed how much her hair had grown out, though, how it fell heavy
and brooding over her forehead, swept behind her ear. There was a new helix piercing in her
right ear. Her shoulders looked narrower, tenser. They were little things, but she wasnt sure
how she could not have noticed. She spent so much time looking at Tiffany, running her
image over in her mind, memorizing every inch of her.
Maybe that was it. She had memorized Tiffany so expertly she didnt need to look at her to
see her. How old was the image of Tiffany in her minds eye?
The volume lowered. Tiffany set the remote aside and turned, smiling at Taeyeon. Scared of
what? she asked lightly. Of the rain? Her tone was teasing but her smile was painted on.
No, Taeyeon said simply. She felt Tiffanys hand slip away from hers and she grabbed it
tightly, pinning it to the couch. Of letting you down.
Me?
Ofall of you, she said. She averted her eyes.
If she had been expecting Tiffany to subdue her worries, she would have been left
disappointed, but as it was, she wasnt sure what she had expected. She didnt want false
reassurances or wide-eyed confidence in her abilities. She just wanted her to know.

Tiffany nodded, looking at her lap. Arent there nine people in this group? she asked.
Yes. She pressed Tiffanys hand to the couch cushion, curled her fingers around it. But
everybodys looking at me. Everybodyeverybody wants something from me. You guys can
say were in this together, but you keep looking at me. She pressed her palm tight against
the top of Tiffanys hand, locked their fingers together. You want me to be a hero. I cant be
that.
Tiffanys eyebrows drew together in a frown. She shook her head. No. No, I just want you
to be Taeyeon.
And whos that, Taeyeon asked flatly.
My best friend, Tiffany shot back. A little stupid and a little selfish and stubbornly
obsessed with doing the right thing. No one is asking you to save the group, Taeyeon, were
just asking you to care.
I care, Taeyeon said. You have no idea how much I care.
Tiffany shrugged. Then, she said, you wont let us down.
With an exhale, Taeyeon released Tiffanys hand. It didnt make her feel any better; in fact,
Tiffanys faith in her only left her more scared.
Like most Christmases, they spent it together, quiet and reflective, and Taeyeon fell asleep
early, curled on the couch. When she awoke later, the room was dark except for the tree lights.
Tiffany had covered her with a blanket. Like most Christmases, she woke up alone and felt
like she had missed something.

chapter fourteen
(2008)

In the dark, Taeyeon invents.

Theres a small sliver of light stealing out from underneath the curtains and Taeyeon follows
it. Theres a streetlamp right outside the window and its searingly bright; whenever Taeyeon
stays over, it creates spots behind her eyes, even when the curtains are drawn. She sits near it
now, beneath the window, and slides the curtain aside to look out.
Its three in the morning. The streets are still wet. She thinks about leaving, because the rain
has stopped, but the first thought she conjures up of the dorm makes her insides tense, cold.
She looks for her clothes anyway.
In the bed, Unni stirs.
Taeyeon is looking for her clothes. Its too dark to see properly.
Are you leaving, Unni mumbles from the bed and Taeyeon pauses. Maybe not.
Maybe not, she says.
Come stay. Do you have any schedules in the morning?
No.
Me either. Come back to bed.
She doesnt need to be convinced; she only needs to be asked. Her eyes adjust to the dark.
She presses against Unnis back, puts her lips to the spot between her shoulder blades. Every
time she sees her, she falls more in love. Or, it could be loveshe thinks it could be love,
although its different, so maybe it isnt. Maybe its that her unni is an idol, too, and
understands the fear and the burden, or maybe its just the flimsy euphoria of dating someone
smart and pretty, but she feels sick in love, sometimes so passionately that she cant help
herself. It always feels like love, usually, until she goes back to the dorm and thinks
otherwise, puts the two feelings together side-by-side and realizes one cannot compare to the
other.
It feels a little dishonest, sometimes, to make love to one person and think about another. It
isnt that shes pretending Unni is someone else, or thinking about her purposely, or anything,
really, its just that she is hard to remove from Taeyeons mind. She tends to linger there,
behind her eyes, like the spots from the bright lights. Sometimes the name comes to her
lips, Tiffany, but she doesnt ever say it aloud, only silently, and the wet mouth open beneath
hers swallows it without knowing.
Unni has said it, I love you, a lot of times, actually. She signs all her texts with it and ends all
phone calls with it and mumbles it breathless at the touch of Taeyeons hand and she doesnt
seem bothered by Taeyeons inability to say it back. Taeyeon is a physical person, she says,
not a verbal person, and actions speak louder than words. What that means, Taeyeon doesnt
know; she is sometimes wracked with ardor beyond words, the need to be close, feel another
heart race besides her own. Thats just how she is. She craves physical contact as much as it

makes her uncomfortable.

Unni, she murmurs into her shoulder, trying to hold her tighter even though its physically
impossible. Are you awake?
Yes.
Dont you think itll get tiring eventually?
What will?
Taeyeon yawns and kisses the nape of her neck. I dont know. Shes not sure why she
brought it up. This whole thing. This job, I guess, maybe.
By the time it gets tiring, itll probably be over, Unni says. This isnt a job many people
do forever.
Thats true.
I wont do this when Im forty.
Whatll you do then?
Unni is quiet. When Taeyeon runs a hand down her arm, she feels goosebumps rising against
the pads of her fingers.
Move to the country and die, she says finally. Just live there until I die.
With me? Taeyeon asks sleepily. She receives a laugh in response.
Sure. Would you like to come with me?
Yeah. They have been dating for just over five months. At five months, there are no
delusions of longevity or ten years from now, or even ten months. Still, she feels obliged.
Okay. Well both retire and move to the country.
Thatd be nice. Maybe we could be ourselves.
Unni laughs again. Maybe well know who we are, by then.
Taeyeon thinks that maybe thats true, that you really cant know who you are until youre
finished being an idol. Theres no use trying to figure yourself out at this stage, because you
can only be one thing when youre an idol, she thinks. A fraud, she thinks. Maybe it was like
that for real people, too, for non-idols.
Maybe first you figured out who you were, then you became that person.
Taeyeon slips out of bed when dawn first starts to break on the horizon; she feels it before she
sees it, poking its head up through the hastily-drawn curtains. She dresses and kisses the

sleeping mouth goodbye.

In the air, Taeyeon breathes.
When her feet hit the pavement, its still dark, and the sunlight is only rousing itself lazily.
She can see well but feels covered in shadow. When she ducks into a convenience store and
buys hobbang from a sleepy-looking cashier, she catches the kids standing outside the store
and looking in.
They follow her home.
It makes the hair on her arms stand up in agitation and fear, but theyre harmless, she thinks.
There are more dangerous fans who show up at the dorms sometimes, fans who approach
them and try to get in sometimes, so in comparison, these kids are harmless. They have seen
her go back and forth between Unnis place and the dorm over and over, and Taeyeon
suspects theyve connected the dots, but shes only a little worried. Keeping her secrets
makes them feel closer to her, so maybe thats okay.
Its weird, sort of, for a group of fans who stalk her to know something about her that most of
her members dont even know, but maybe its appropriate. They make her uncomfortable, but
she smiles tightly at them before slipping into the building; its a relief, somehow, having
people out there who know, but who wont talk to her about it.
In the dorm, Taeyeon imagines.
She can picture and count the moments all of their heartbeats slow, their breathing deepens,
and they fall asleep. Sooyoung, half on Taeyeons bed and half on her own, head flat on the
mattress and her long body wrapped around a pillow, mumbles something, drifts in and out of
sleep. Her hand flexes outward as Taeyeon walks by, reaches for her; she takes the hand for a
second, sets it down.
Sunkyu has fallen asleep on her stomach, one hand stretched toward her laptop, which has
gone to screensaver. Taeyeon shuts it down and stores it under the bed. Yuri mumbles
something as she walks past.
Jessica has fallen asleep reading. Hyoyeon is sleeping on her side. Juhyuns glasses are
placed on top of the neat stack of homework on the nightstand.
Miyoung, pretty Miyoung, has half her limbs on the bed, half off. An arm, a leg, both
hanging preciously off of the bed, the thin pink sheets tangled around the other half of her
body. She wears shorts to bed; the window is open and Taeyeon imagines the skin of her leg
is smooth and cold, warmer the higher up you went, sweet and hot between her thighs. She
imagines. She wants to tug the sheet over the rest of her, fix the loose t-shirt around the collar
where its gone askew, where the skin of her shoulder lies bare.
She thinks that if she goes over and touches a little, she will be unable to stop touching.
She thinks that if she climbs into bed with her, she wont be able to sleep, but it wont
matterat least shell feel rested.

Theres a soft click in the front hall and she hurriedly closes the door to Tiffany and Juhyuns
room, turning and padding toward the front door.
Hello, she greets, leaning against the wall.
Unni. Yoona sounds more tired than she looks. Taeyeon wonders how she manages that.
What are you doing up still?
Taeyeon purses her lips quietly. She doesnt want to tell Yoona she only just came home. A
wave of guilt settles around her shoulders as Yoona smiles at her, clear and youthful.
Couldnt sleep, huh?
Hmm, Taeyeon acknowledges. It isnt a lie. How are you?
Fine, Yoona says brightly, pulling off her shoes. As she drops them on the floor, she smiles,
sheepish, as though the compulsion to be honest has made her feel guilty. Ive had a
headache, all day, really, she admits.
Taeyeon frowns. Did you eat?
I told you I ate, unni.
Have you been drinking water? she demands.
Yeah. Have you?
Taeyeon pauses, chuckles. Then, No. Not really.
Yoonas gaze sweeps over her and she releases a long sigh. Disappointed, maybe. Maybe its
frustrating to have an unni who demands you take care of yourself, but refuses to do the same.
She bites her lip. Im going to shower, she says, soft, with a hint of reproach.
After, Taeyeon sits next to her on the bed and rubs her temples for her; she watches her fall
asleep, her eyes flutter closed, and makes sure her alarm is set for a few hours later. Come
home at dawn and leave home at dawn, Taeyeon thinks, and feels guilty all over again. Not
just to Yoona, but to all of them. She feels so sorry she could cry.

They date for eight months, and Unni cheats on her, Taeyeon suspects, for just as long. By
the time she figures it out, she assumes it was probably going on the entire time, but she is
too drained to care. Its exhaustingher job, keeping her relationship secret, and mostly, the
burden of constantly stressing over whether shes doing the right thing.
She has been physically faithful but emotionally unfaithful for eight months. Its hard to be
too angry.
It still hurts, though, and its hardly the best thing for her ego. The other girls give her a wide

berth; they dont know why shes upset, just that its best to steer clear of her when shes
moody.
No one has ever given Tiffany this memo, though, or Tiffany just feels it doesnt apply to her
because shes clingy, overbearing, hovering over Taeyeon backstage in the waiting room,
wringing her hands and making simpering, pitiful Taeyeonnie are you okay sort of noises.
Do you want to talk about it? she keeps asking, but Taeyeon just wants to work, get this
stupid album finished so that they can be onstage again. The feeling of limbo is worse than
anything, and looking at Tiffany, thinking about Tiffany, everything about Tiffany just makes
it worse.
She is hurt and a little angry, but mostly she feels guilty. She knows it isnt her fault, and that
people who cheat are people who cheat no matter what, but when she closes her eyes she sees
the careful, hesitant way Unni would look at her, sometimes, like she knew something but
didnt want to know it. How sometimes she would ask about the members, but she would ask
about Tiffany separately, like she was waiting for a reaction, or a confession. She thinks
about it and feels guilty. Guilt is a powerful force, lately; she feels like shes running on it.
When theyre home, Tiffany pulls Taeyeon into her arms and squeezes her. Its the first real
hug shes had in a long time, the first hug where she doesnt attempt to put a foot of physical
or emotional distance between herself and another warm body. She clings to Tiffany and
cries without meaning to, just like she had two, three years ago, and she feels even stupider
because shes older now and she knew what she was getting into, and she feels even worse
because she knows theres nothing to cry over, that she hadnt loved her anyway, that it had
been eight months of attempting to transfer her feelings to someone else and being unable to.
Im sorry, she sniffs, knowing shes soaked the shoulder of Tiffanys t-shirt, and she tries
to let go but she cant. I need her, she thinks, and its comforting and alienating all at once.
Dont be sorry, Tiffany says softly.
Im fine, Taeyeon mumbles, clutching her. Really, Im fine.
Youre not fine, youre crying. Tiffanys voice is low, soft against her ear. Its okay. You
can cry in front of me.
It builds heavily in her chest, this feeling, this guilty feeling, this guilty and inescapable
feeling. She thinks that no matter how hard she tries to get away from it, it catches up to her
every time, slams hard against her and leaves her breathless, that maybe it was a stupid crush
once, and maybe it should have never happened, but she is painfully and powerfully in love
with Tiffany and no amount of running will let her escape.
She tries to pull away, but shes locked into position.
She hiccups and rubs her eye and feels stupid, like a dumb kid. When she looks at Tiffany,
shes heartbreakingly prettyshes gentle and understanding and her eyes are a place
Taeyeon feels safe. The room is swathed in darkness but she can make out Tiffanys features;
shes memorized them. She knows the place between her nose and upper lip by heart, she
could sketch the fullness of her lower lip from memory and she runs her thumb over it,

reverently, feels Tiffanys cheek lean into her palm.

In the dark of the room, Taeyeon comes apart. She shakes, she closes her eyes, she kisses
Tiffany.
She kisses her with her mouth, with her sadness and guilt; she sucks in their shared breath
and her mouth trembles as it covers Tiffanys, as her lips ghost hesitantly along her lips
before pressing harder. She presses against her, needy, and prods Tiffanys lips open with her
tongue and Tiffany leans in, presses backshe kisses her back.
Taeyeon will remember it for years, she will turn it over in her mind over and over until it
turns her inside outthat Tiffany kisses her back.
She pulls away. Tiffanys lips are wet, glistening, and she opens her eyes drowsily, smiles,
apprehensive, lethargic. Her expression terrifies Taeyeon because she isnt surprised. Shes
concerned.
What was that for? Tiffany asks, softly.
She swallows around a painful lump in her throat, almost chokes on it.
Tiffany, she breathes. I love you.
Tiffanys eyes dart away anxiously before they meet hers once again and she smiles again,
with a charming sort of hesitance that makes Taeyeon feel like she could die.
I love you too, Tiffany says off-handedly, and moves a hand to brush Taeyeons hair out of
her eyes but Taeyeon grasps it in her own, holds it to her. She feels as though shes moved
outside of her own body, like shes dreaming while knowing its a dream, testing the limits of
her imagination.
NoI
Taeyeon wets her lips.
No. I mean, Im in love with you, Tiffany. Miyoung. Tiffany. I lo
Tiffanys smile falters. Taeyeon, she says gently, but its like a reprimand. Like shes said
something obscene and shes being politely admonished. She shakes her head. Taeyeon, no.
Im sorry, Taeyeon says weakly. Ive tried not to. I really have. Miyoung
Youre confused, Tiffany says softly. She squeezes her hand. Her eyes are filled with
something that Taeyeon cannot place but makes her sick. Youreyoure my best friend,
TaeTae.
Im not confused, she says, hoarse. Its the only thing Ive ever been sure of. I She
feels like crying again. Tiffany looks sad, guilty. Shes ruined everything.
Im sorry, she mumbles, looking down.

You have nothing to be sorry for, Tiffany says, carefully, like she might break. But I
cantI mean I dont feel that way. Taeyeon.
Shes not sure what she looks like at that moment when her heart breaks, but maybe its
terrible, it must be awful, because Tiffany suddenly looks at her with so much pity and
contriteness it knocks the air out of her lungs. She takes her hand away, lets it fall to her lap.
She hides her face. Tiffany is the only person she has let see her cry in years, and suddenly
she feels she cant let her see it.
Taeyeon, Im sorry, Tiffany begins, but Taeyeon waves her off.
You have nothing to be sorry for, she says, lifeless, and walks out of the room.

present
(2016)

Her arm was asleep and her head was aching. The ear-splitting strains of a little-known 80s
synthpop song forced her eyes open and it was nearly a full minute before she recognized it
as her ringtone. She twisted her upper body off of the bed and her lower body tumbled right
after, landing in a heap of limbs on the floor. Hurriedly, she found her jeans, although any
hope of making a quiet unseen exit was trashed to hell at this point.
Taeyeon bit her lip at the name on the display screen and answered reflexively.
Hello? she whispered. Out of the corner of her eye, a head lifted from the bed and blinked
blearily at her. She smiled in apology.
Hey! Tiffany yelled. Where are you?
Uh. Taeyeon kept her voice low. Out?
A glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand confirmed that it was just after nine in the
morning.
Where? I was so worried when you didnt come home last night. Didnt you get my texts?
Taeyeon paused. I was busy.
Oh. Why are you whispering?
Um. She looked awkwardly at the girl, now fully awake, and smiled, embarrassed.
Tiffany was silent for a moment. Oh, are you with someone?
Yes.

Oh. Her tone instinctively dropped lower, too, although she wasnt in the room. Sorry.
Its okay, uh, did you need something?
No, I just wanted to know if you were okay, and if you wanted to get breakfast with me. But
I guess youre busy. Her tone was stiff and hard to read, but Taeyeon imagined she was
embarrassed.
Yeah, a little.
Sorry to bother you, Tiffany said in that same stiff tone, and then, more cheerfully: See
you later, okay? She hung up before Taeyeon could reply.
Taeyeon looked down at her phone and then smiled weakly at whoever that was in bed. She
assumed they had a name. Sorry, she said.
Its okay, the girl mumbled sleepily. She closed her eyes. Arent you cold? Come back to
bed.
It was tempting, but there was really no going back to bed when Tiffanys voice was ringing
in her ears like that, to sleep or otherwise. She sighed. Sorry, I have to get going.
The girl laughed, burying her face in the pillow. I forgot, youre a super cool important idol,
she said, as if that wasnt the entire reason she had found Taeyeon interesting enough to bring
home. It was a little mocking, but affectionate.
I guess so, Taeyeon said, getting dressed.
One eye opened to look at her. Youre prettier in real life, you know, she yawned.
Taeyeon laughed. Thank you.
You probably get that a lot.
I guess.
Prettier, but sadder.
Taeyeon paused. She pulled on her shirt. Yeah?
I didnt mean it in a bad way. I bet you get a lot of girls with that whole She yawned
tortured, suffering artist stuffright?
No comment.
I used to like your group when I was in high school, she murmured into her pillow. I
thought you seemed melancholy back then but its more intense in person.
Taeyeon knelt by the bed, put her chin on the mattress, and blinked at her. The girl stroked

her hair.
Its cute, though.
She snorted. Thanks.
Can I ask you a question?
Taeyeon blinked slowly at her. So many people who wanted permission to ask her questions.
No, I havent had plastic surgery, she joked lightly.
The girl smiled and ran her finger down the line of Taeyeons nose.
Are you very sad? Or do you just look that way?
Taeyeon smiled. Maybe everyones a little sad and my face just doesnt hide it properly.
Maybe.
Was I your favorite?
Huh?
In high school.
Oh. The girl closed her eyes, yawned. Nope. I liked one of the tall ones.
Aww.
Youre my favorite now, she replied with a sleepy, flirtatious grin. Are you sure you dont
want to come back to bed?
Cant. She stood. Thanks. I had fun.
There was a mirror above the dresser. Taeyeon peeked into it and ran her fingers through her
hair, attempting to comb it into something presentable. She took a moment to look at herself a
bit longer. She thought maybe she looked a little tired, but she had looked that way for years.
Lock the door on your way out.
Sure.
Its okay to be sad, unni. Its worse to pretend you arent.
Thanks, Taeyeon said, and smiled, whether it could be seen or not.

When she came home Tiffany was on the couch, working on her laptop. Her ears were
plugged and the music blared out from it like a muted, static rebuke. She didnt look up when
Taeyeon came in, but Taeyeon could hear the music lower considerably.
I brought you coffee.
Tiffany didnt lift her eyes from her laptop screen. I had coffee already.
Okay. Did you have breakfast?
Yes.
Okay.
She stood quietly, looking down at Tiffanys face, feeling her stomach twist anxiously.
At last, Tiffany looked up, yanking the earphones out of her ears. What do you want?
Taeyeon frowned. What am I in trouble for? she asked softly.
Tiffany swallowed and looked away. She looked at her lap. Nothing. Im sorry I interrupted
your whatever. Im just a littleyou know. Its awkward, I didnt expect you to bewith
someone, I guessI mean, you didnt answer my texts after you ditched me last night, so
Wait, hold on, I didnt ditch you. Taeyeon frowned. She knew there couldnt have been
gaps in her memory; although they were at a club the previous night in a half-hearted
celebration of the solar New Year, she hadnt had a drop to drink. I specifically recall asking
if you minded me going home with She broke off feebly, not willing to admit that she
didnt really know the name of the girl shed gone home with. Tiffany rolled her eyes
knowingly.
Fine. Youre right.
Inhale. Count to ten. Exhale. Taeyeon flexed her fingers at her sides. There was no energy
left in her body anymore; the fight was gone. She looked down at Tiffany, exhausted, sad.
I dont get it, she said softly. I dont know what you want from me. I did everything right,
didnt I? I didnt bring her home. I followed the rules. Why am I the bad guy here?
Tiffany shrugged, sullen. I just didnt realize youd be out the whole night. I mean, Taeyeon,
you dont even know her name, but you went home with her, she could have been some like,

deranged stalker who wanted to chop you up into pieces, or like

Im going to be twenty-seven years old, Taeyeon pointed out. She didnt raise her voice. It
wasnt an argument. She was too tired for this. I can take care of myself. ImI mean, its
none of your business.
Tiffany stood abruptly and tried to push past her. Yeah, youre right. Your life is none of my
business.
Thats not what I said, Taeyeon protested softly. She grabbed Tiffanys elbow, pulled her
back. She looked into her eyes. She loved her very much, but she was tired of being hurt. It
was exhausting.
Im sorry for being worried, Tiffany said sourly. It wont happen again.
Tiffany. Taeyeon closed her eyes. What do you want from me, she pleaded. What do
you want? You dont want me, right, because youve made that pretty clear, but you also
dont seem to want me with anyone else. I mean, you say you do, and then the second you
dont have my undivided, devoted attention, you cant handle it. What do you want me to do?
I cant go back and forth with you forever, Im only human.
Tiffany looked at her, stricken. Taeyeon knew her own anger was justified and yet, seeing
that look on Tiffanys face broke her heart. She didnt want to hurt her. She loosened her grip
and Tiffany retreated within herself, wrapping her arms tightly across her chest and stepping
backward. Taeyeon gazed at her.
They locked eyes for a brief moment and then Tiffany looked at the floor. She shrugged
stiffly.
Dont look at me like that, Taeyeon, I dont know what you want from me either.
You do, Taeyeon pressed, quiet. You know what I want. What Ive always wanted. You
know.
Tiffany shook her head, refusing to meet her gaze.
Youre not my girlfriend, Taeyeon told her evenly. You cant act like you own me when
you dont even want me, when all Ive wanted for the past ten years of my life is you, and
you dont even Her throat closed up. I cant get over you unless you let me go, a little.
Tiffany looked at her. Her eyes were like memories. Taeyeon felt fifteen years old every time
she looked into them and she didnt want it anymore. It was an awful, sickening feeling, like

falling. Helpless as a teenager.

I dont want to lose you, Tiffany said, so quietly Taeyeon wasnt sure she hadnt just
imagined breathing into words. Her stomach fell.
Youre not going to lose me. Tiffany shook her head but Taeyeon pressed on, seizing her
by the wrist. Even if you push me away, theres nowhere I can go.
Thats not what I mean. You dont get it.
She released Tiffanys arm roughly and shook her head. No, I dont. Youyou figure it out,
okay? She ran a hand through her hair, combed through her bangs, felt her temple throb
beneath her fingertips. You figure it out. Ill be back when I can stand to see you again.
She didnt look back when she walked out the door. Endlessly, she hoped to be released, but
the further she walked away, the more she felt the rope tighten.

chapter fifteen

The walls swam and the floor dodged her eyes. The palm of Taeyeons hand had gone numb
from the steady, rhythmic thumping she had treated the door to. On strike twenty-threeshe
had countedthe door fell away and she leaned against the doorjamb unsteadily.
Sica, she said, hopefully articulate.
Taengoo? Jessica grabbed her arm and held her steady, pulling her into the apartment. Are
you okay?
I am not, Taeyeon admitted, stumbling in after her and tripping out of her shoes. I am
fantastically, ridiculously drunk.
Thats pretty obvious, Jessica said, holding her tightly. Taeyeon wished she could see her
properly but there had been a lot of wine and she had maybe lost a contact in the cab on the
way over. Or both contacts? Had she worn contacts? Had she lost her glasses
Taeyeon?
Hmm? She felt Jessica hoist her up by the waist and pull her into the living room, dragging
her toward the couch. It really was a very nice apartment, all spacious and pretty and no
wonder Jessica would want to live here, because Tiffany was not here, and Tiffany was
terrible, she was awful, she was the worst. Wheres your girlfriend, she wondered stupidly
and felt Jessica taking off her coat.
Shes working.
Oh. So late
Dont move, Im going to get you some water.
Youre the best person, Taeyeon cried, putting her head against the couch pillows. She
couldnt even remember which bar shed gotten drunk at, or how many hours had passed, or
how many meals she might have missed, or how she had ended up at Jessicas. She knew
those girls, those clingy, shadowing girls, had helped her into a cab but had she asked for
Jessicas apartment or had they suggested it? It seemed a weird choice, although she certainly
loved Jessica quite a lot. Sunkyu was generally the person who shouldered the burden of her
occasional wine-fueled stupidity. Anyone was okay, she guessed.

She couldnt go home, that was all she knew.

Jessica brought her a bottle of water and she drank gratefully; her mouth and nose felt numb.
Jessica sat down beside her and combed the messy hair away from her face.
Im sorry, Taeyeon said, near tears. Sorry to come here, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
No, Im glad you came, Jessica said softly, putting an arm around her. I dont want you
wandering around in this condition. Why didnt you go home? When Taeyeon neglected to
answer, she kissed her just above her temple, squeezed her shoulder. Did something happen
with Tiffany?
Nothing happened, nothing ever happens, Taeyeon said pitifully, holding the bottle of
water so tightly she was surprised she hadnt squeezed it all over her lap. I dont know why I
even bother with her, she isnt worth it.
Even as she said it, she knew it was a lie, and Jessica knew that she knew because she just
held her tightly and sighed. Because. Shes Tiffany. And youre Taeyeon.
Taeyeon snorted. She put a hand up to her eyes and rubbed. I cant do this anymore.
Taengoo.
No, I really cant. I cant. This is too hard for me. Am I supposed to do this for the rest of
my life? She knows how I feel about her and she still
She exhaled. She felt dizzy. Most of all, and most obviously, she regretted drinking this much,
because it didnt help, it just brought all her emotions to the surface, painfully pricking
against her skin.
Jessica smoothed her hair again, sat quietly for a moment. Baby, I know this is hard for you,
she began, delicately. But. Have you even thought about how hard it must be for Tiffany,
too? Have you looked at it from her point-of-view?
Again.
Taeyeon inhaled shakily.
How am I supposed to do that, she said, trying to stamp down the frustration. Shes so
inconsistent. She tells me to get over her and when I stray too far she yanks the leash and Im
back to square one.
But look at it from her perspective.
I dont know her perspective, Jessica.
You dont know what to do, but how is she supposed to know? Do you have any idea how
much she loves you? What did you expect to happen when you confessed to her?

I dont know what I expected, Taeyeon admitted. But if I knew it was going to be seven or
eight years of being led on and sent mixed signals, I wouldnt have done it at all.
Youre not some random person on the street, Taeyeon, youre her best friend. She cant
reject you and then act like you dont exist. Even if you didnt work together, youd be
together.
Believe me, I know that.
So you dumped this burden of a confession in her lap and expected her to be able to deal
with it, when you know very well it would kill her to hurt you.
Taeyeon blinked at her. So Im the bad guy? I didnt ask to feel this way.
And neither did she. I know its hard for you. But imagine having to watch your best friend
in the world have her heart broken and you cant even make it better because youre the one
who did it. Do you think that feels nice?
Taeyeon stood, angrily. Then why cant she make up her mind? If she doesnt want me, then
just let me go, and if she does
Let you go? Jessica repeated, incredulous. Youre her best friend, Taeyeon, how is she
supposed to do that?
So she needs to treat me like a friend. I cant get over her if she keeps giving me hope that
we could be more
But you already are more. Jessicas voice was soft, kind. You know shell never just be
your friend. And she knows that, too. Youre not normal people, and you dont have a normal
friendship, and its a little too late for you to fix that.
Taeyeons shoulders sank. What am I supposed to do, then.
Jessica paused thoughtfully, and then took Taeyeons hand. She pulled her down to sit next to
her. Taeyeons head spun. She felt unraveled.
Okay, um, Jessica began, and then paused for another moment as though trying to figure
out how to say what she wanted. The thing is, I liked unni for a really long time before I
confessed to her. A few years, maybe? And it was really difficult, you know, not just because
I was dealing with the fact that I had feelings for another girlwhich, you know, I had
always known, but to be hit with it like that was like well, you probably know what I
mean.
Taeyeon nodded. It was weird, that they had known each other this long and had never been
able to talk to one another about it; ostensibly, it was something they had both gone through,
but Taeyeon supposed they were both the same kind of person. When faced with the option
of not talking about something or talking about it, both of them would invariably choose the
former.
Mostly it was also difficult because, you know, we were really close and she took care of me

really well, and I didnt want to mess that up? I mean, I thought, you know, I can live with
this, as long as I have herbeing friends or whatever. But at a certain point, I realized that
I I loved her, she blushed, like this was some sort of deep, dark confession despite
Taeyeon having known they were together for going on eight years now, and that I was
eighteen years old and beginning my career, and it was too much, I guess. I realizedunless
I told her how I felt, I couldnt have her in my life anymore. I mean, just like that, I knew,
you knoweither our relationship needs to become more, or it needs to end. So when I
confessed, I knew that our relationship was going to change, no matter what. Whether she
accepted me or rejected me, there was no way we could go back to what we were before.
Does that make sense?
It does, but
So I confessed to her knowing that, and I made the decision to change our relationship. I
was lucky, and she felt the same way, and, you know, the rest is history more or less. She
waved her hands around, embarrassed, casting a glance around the expansive apartment.
Taeyeon thought, suddenly, about how beautiful happiness looked on other people; happy
people didnt need to be smiling or laughing for you to know they were happy. They just
were.
Anyway, what Im saying is, I think thats what you want now. You want her to either
accept you, or your relationship needs to change, and you need to let go of each other. But
its too late for that. The time for that was years ago, when you told her how you felt. You
guys just tried to pick up your friendship where it left off, keep yourself in the same place,
even with all this hanging between you. You cant ask her to let you go now. Its too late.
Taeyeon laughed painfully. Youre telling me thats it, its too late? Theres nothing I can do,
I just have to be miserable forever? Cool, thats
Im saying maybe you need to look at yours and Tiffanys relationship and ask yourself why
you were unable to let go of each other when you should have.
Taeyeon frowned and tried to focus. Were teammates, she pointed out. Jessica squeezed
her hand.
You and I both know that lots of idol groups survive for many years with members who
arent even friends. Its something else.
Taeyeon looked at her, quietly, pensively. Im too drunk for this.
Jessica laughed. She ran her thumb over the top of Taeyeons hand. Whats new.
Taeyeon smiled, tight, apprehensive, and stood. She looked around, blinked at the dim lights,
the long stretch of the apartmentit looked like an ad or a photograph in an interior design
magazine, except lived-in, tangibly occupied by two people who were living a life together.
Taeyeons heart ached. She could tell herself over and over that she was a loner and didnt
need anyone, but she knew, really, she wanted that. It was hard to be anyone with a secret,
and it was harder to be an idol with a secret, but Jessica had proven that it was possible, that
you could fall in love, build a career; you could have both and be happy. Jessica was happy.

Taeyeon wanted that. She smiled down at Jessica, ruffled the top of her head, grinned at the
indignant whine her old friend let out as she tried to squirm away, and said, Thank you.
Of course, Jessica said dismissively, fixing her hair. She grabbed Taeyeons hand suddenly,
as though sensing that she was ready to leave. Hey, stay here, okay? I dont want you
wandering around drunk like this. You can sleep on the couch; unni wont mind.
Taeyeon squeezed her hand, gave her a lightheaded smile. She was unsteady on her feet, but
shed be fine.
No, its okay. I have some place to go.

Hey.
Hyejin blinked sleepily at her. In the dark of the hallway, she looked bright and golden to
Taeyeon, pretty and warm and familiar. Its three in the morning, Taeyeon.
Yeah. Taeyeon traced the doors frame with one finger. Sorryuh, were you sleeping?
Yes.
Okay. She sighed, putting her hands in her pockets. Sorry. Ill go.
With a sigh, Hyejin grabbed her shirt, dragged her across the threshold. Come in.
Sorry, I Taeyeon moved clumsily inside.
You smell like you took a shower in wine.
Its very good for the skin, she joked, following Hyejin into her apartment.
Youre drunk.
Very.
I thought you said you quit drinking.
I did, Taeyeon admitted, but this is a special occasion. Im celebrating.
Hyejins hair was a mess from sleeping and she yawned, trying to smooth it out with halfhearted movements. She was pretty. It was the same thing every time Taeyeon saw her,
whether she was drunk or drypretty, she was pretty, she looked pretty.
Celebrating what?
Eyebrows rose as Taeyeon stepped closer and breathed in. Her hands were graceless,
awkward as they attempted to smooth Hyejins hair down for her. She smiled.

Uh, not sure, actually.

Oh, good, Hyejin said dryly, but she smiled back.
Sorry.
You can stop apologizing. Whats up?
Taeyeon looked at the floor, studied it quietly. I just wanted to see you.
At three in the morning, while youre drunk.
I thought we were friends.
We are. I havent kicked you out. She smiled. Taeyeon stepped closer. It was hard to get
any closer than she was.
I justI missed you.
Yeah?
Yeah. She meant it. She wasnt sure in what way. There really wasnt a feeling to compare
it to, just that she found herself standing in Hyejins personal space and aching, yearning to
be closer. Even now, when her vision was blurry and her entire body felt flimsy, she felt at
ease, looking at her, feeling her skin cool and soft against her own.
Hyejin only nodded, made a soft, satisfied sound that only made Taeyeon want her more.
Did you miss me? she pressed, earnest, quiet.
In place of an answer she received only a smile, a casual shrug. Taeyeon frowned sourly. She
didn't care if Hyejin was just teasing, the lack of confirmation made her feel powerless,
vulnerable. She tensed.
Did you? she asked again, soft. She swallowed hard. Miss me?
Maybe a little.
Say it. She wet her lips. Please.
Hyejin went to turn on a light but Taeyeon took her hand, pulled it to her.
Leave it off.
Why? Hyejin asked lightly. Dont want to see me with the lights on? Easier to pretend Im
someone else?
Taeyeon looked at her carefully. What do you mean?

Nothing. Not tonight. Youre drunk. You dont want me.

How do you know what I want?
How do you know what you want?
I want you, she insisted, feeling a bit of control slip away.
Just for right now, though, Hyejin said gently. I care about you a lot, Taeyeon. If I thought
you were capable of feeling the same, Id let myself fall in love with you. I would. Thats
how much I like you. But you dont want me. You want her.
Taeyeon looked at her silently.
You and I both know that. Look, I dont mind, orI didnt mind. I know what this has been
for you, since the beginning. But dont come here and make me feel like Im being used,
Taeyeon. Im not going to compete with her, because I know I wont win.
Taeyeon stepped closer. Just when she thought she couldnt, there was more space to move
into. Her breath caught. Her mouth pressed against the corner of Hyejins lips and she sighed,
feeling the tension melt out of her body and her limbs weaken.
Okay, was all she could say.
Hyejin touched her face, kissed her cheek. Go home. Come back to me when you feel better.
When would that be, Taeyeon wondered. It was cold outside; it was Seoul in January. It had
been an endless season of cold, of loneliness. She put her hands in her pockets.
We called a taxi for you.
She looked, unhinged, at the fan talking to her, and then nodded, slow, empty.
Its so late, she said. Why are you still up?
Because youre still up, the fan returned simply.
Why?
Because we want to take care of you. Because you need us. Because we love you.
The taxi came. Taeyeon looked down at the ground.
Love is very suffocating, she said, and got in the taxi.

She dropped her keys on the floor three times before she managed to get the door open.

The front hall was dark. Taeyeon took her shoes off, flipped her hair out of her eyes. The
living room was awash in moonlight, stretching, fatigued, across the carpeted floor, spineless
and whispering along the couch where Tiffany sat quietly, legs folded beneath her.
Their eyes locked. Taeyeon considered just walking past to her room and going to sleep, but
she thought maybe, in the muted light, that Tiffanys eyes were red, maybe, and her heart
ached a little.
Hello, she said.
Hi, Tiffany returned.
What are you doing up?
Waiting for you. Jessica called when you left her apartment, but that was an hour ago.
Taeyeon sighed.
Where were you?
Out.
Are you drunk?
A little. She shook her head, looked at the floor. I dont want to fight with you.
Tiffany stood. I dont want to fight either.
Look, um. Taeyeon raked a hand through her hair. She had felt like shed sobered up on the
taxi ride home, but now, standing in Tiffanys presence, breathing her in, she was unsteady
on her feet once again. She was undone. She was fifteen years old, painfully in love,
drowning in want, suffocating in love. She shook, little by little.
I think you know, we thought this would work out, this whole living together thing, and
I dont think it is. Solets not fight about it, okay? Ill look for a new place. Maybe I can
still get my old place. I dont know. I just
Taeyeon, Tiffany said softly. She stepped closer. She smelled like clean air, and her skin
was white porcelain in the moonlight. Thats not what I want.
Its just not going to work.

Tiffany looked at her, sadly. Taeyeon gazed into her eyes, willed herself to look away, and
thought, maybe this is impossible, maybe no matter what you do youll just be pulled tighter
and tighter to her until it gets so tight that you choke. She swallowed hard.
What do you want from me? she asked weakly, her voice breaking.
Tiffanys eyes were questions without answers and she smoothed her hand along Taeyeons
shoulder, clutched her collar, kissed her forcefully on the mouth.
Taeyeon could not move. She had been on the receiving end of what felt like a dozen lips,
dozens of kisses in desperation and need and intoxication and yet her mouth could only ever
recall the first one, the hard and wet fullness of Stephanie Hwang against her waiting mouth,
the solid heat of her, the hot breath and the slippery place where their lips met and she sighed,
groaned with longing. Tiffanys hand, fisting her collar, shook and trembled and she slid her
hand along Taeyeons neck, tangling her fingers in her hair, pressing her thumb against her
throat like she could choke her; her lips made captive slaves of Taeyeons, held her to her by
the curve of her lips and swallowed her breath, swallowed her whole.
Fany, Taeyeon breathed, and her teeth scraped Tiffanys lower lip, feeling Tiffanys entire
body press against her and shake with warmth and want and Taeyeon realized this was all she
had yearned for, this was the warmth and darkness she couldnt replace. She pressed closer,
wishing she could climb inside Tiffanys clothes, climb inside her and share her breath. Her
hands grasped Tiffanys hips and she pushed her backwards, nudged her onto the couch and
fell against her and thought she would die if she stopped touching her for a second.
Tiffany murmured against her lips, quiet and desperate, Please, and Taeyeon could only
swallow each and every word, breathe her in like oxygen, drag her lips down the curve of her
jaw and hear, feel Tiffanys breath hitch and her blood rush and her body respond and she
could have died like this, in the moonlight, in Tiffanys arms, in that resting place between
wonder and fantasy.

chapter sixteen
(2009)

It is shaping up to be the most exhausting and bleak year of Taeyeons life, but the history
books wont paint it that way. The industry is dishonest and she is dishonest; it cheats and she
cheats. She doesnt remember what her voice is meant to sound like, but there isnt a part of
her that doesnt feel split apart and bloody with open wounds.
She terrifies herself. The further they get to the top, the longer the fall to the bottom, and she
starts to yearn for it. She has the power, she knows, to allow the group to go up in flames. In
fact, the lifespan of an idol is unpredictable, their status precarious; she can pretend she has
no control, but in fact, if she wanted to ruin everything, she could.
This is a consistent thought, sometimes, when she is tired and she has another two hours ago,
repeated recordings of a song she cant stand, watching, from yards away, the way Tiffanys
mouth moves when she talks. She is angry. She doesnt know whyit courses through her
veins, and it makes her taste desire like blood in the back of her throat. She could pin Tiffany
to the wall and tear her apart, put her mouth to every part of her, and maybe it would make
her love her, and maybe the thousands of eyes watching would understand that they created a
false idol, that shes not someone to be worshiped or respected or even looked at. She is a
person with a dark shadow ready to swallow her; she has made an entire country love her,
and she cannot make one person love her.
Her head throbs. They are filming late into the night. Every time she puts her head down to
rest, there is another person at her elbow who saysTaeyeon are you okay.
Im okay, she says several times and when she catches Tiffanys eye across the studio, she
looks away.
Tiffany tries at least once a week, to fix things. Taeyeon knows shes trying to fix things. She
comes to her, eyes sad and wet like morning, mouth fixed into a frown, hands tense. She says,
Can we talk?
Taeyeon says, We dont have anything to talk about, usually, but sometimes she says,
Sure, lets talk, but then Tiffany wants to talk about that and when Taeyeon meets her eyes
honestly, Tiffany cant think of anything to say, so Taeyeon thinksthats itshe cant even
talk about itthats how shameful it is, she wants to talk about it, and she cant.
Lately, she can feel eyes on her at all times. Its not really unusualits rare that eyes arent
locked on her, scrutinizing her every move, whether theyre fans or staff or the unflinching
publicbut lately its the members, mostly, who look at her warily, confused and worried.
She knows they sense the rift between Tiffany and herits hard to missbut they dont
handle Tiffany with kid gloves suddenly. Its just her.

It is tiring, being a person that is looked at. They say its because they care about her, that
shes their friend, but occasionally she feels the crushing weight of an arbitrary title they
saddled her with. Leader. It eats away at her, keeps the wall up indefinitely. Thats where the
eyes are the most intense, when it comes down to decisions and questions and answers, their
eyes shift to her.
They dont know you, she thinks sometimes, morosely, because if they did, theyd stop
looking.
You can talk to us, you know, they say. Its clear somethings bothering you, but were
always here. Were a team, Taeyeon. Talk to us.
She smiles, tight and false, through her exhaustion and anger and incongruity. Thats what it
is. She feels out-of-place. There are eight girls, excited and exhilarated with the way their
careers are taking off, and then theres her, clinging to anything bolted to the ground; the
higher they go, the more desperate she is to stay grounded. She is two years into the game
and already hates herself, the falseness shes painted herself with, the duplicitous nature of
the business. She looks at the eight of them and can no longer convince herself that she
doesnt love them, but wonders who they are, because they must be fake, too.
She sees Tiffanys eyes and thinks theyre not like Stephanies eyes. Theyre haunted and sad
and lonely. She feels her best friend slipping away from her and knows its her fault, but she
pins the blame on everything else. Theyre surrounded by dishonest people in a dishonest
world; how can they possibly be honest with each other?
You can talk to us, Taeyeon. We want you to open up to us. We want you to talk to us. We
want to know you, Taeyeon, because we care about you.
It is a five minute talk, nominally, but it hasnt been five minutes since the first night she
proposed it; sometimes it stretches for close to an hour. Taeyeon is exhausted but sometimes
just listening to them talk makes her feel better. She can rarely say much, but if she could, she
might tell them that their voices and thoughts are dizzyingly beautiful; she loves them that
much. She has tried not to, but she loves them very much. When they tell her they wish she
would talk, she thinks theyre lucky she doesnt, because if she opened her mouth they would
be embarrassed by all the love and devotion she has stored up.
If she were to talk to them as much as she thinks about them, she would lose her voice.

So theres that, she says. Theyre winding down. Since its a full-scale concert, we should
be prepared to have enough energy for it. I know thatll be hard, because we have a lot of
schedules, and not enough time to rest, but since its a solo concertjust remember that, keep
your energy up.
They nod. Their eyes all have the same restless exhaustion in them. She smiles tightly,
wanting to go to bed. She feels like shes done all the talking and she wonders if its
intentional; sometimes they stay silent just to force her to talk more, but she wonders what
they get out of it.

So, uh, I guess thats it. Does anybody else have anything to say?
Tiffany looks into her eyes so long and hard she feels a little bruised from it. She blinks at her,
startled, and addresses her directly for the first time in awhile.
Tiffany? Did you have something to say?
Tiffany continues to look at her, wounded but firm. The moment stretches for so long that the
other members start to shift uncomfortably, looking between them.
Finally Taeyeon averts her eyes uneasily and Tiffany sighs, looking into her lap.
I guess not.
Okay, then.
All right, thats enough, Sooyoung says, frowning. What the hell is going on with you two?
Seriously, Ive been quiet about this for too long.
I dont know what youre talking about, Taeyeon replies quickly.
No? You guys are joined at the hip for as long as I can remember and then for the past year
its like you can hardly stand to be in one anothers presence? You dont know what Im
talking about?
Yoona grabs her arm, glancing between both Tiffany and Taeyeon with concern. Unni,
maybe its none of our business
You said you agreed with me, Sooyoung says.
I do, I just think
Whats this, you guys are talking about us behind our backs? Tiffany asks.
Well, someone has to talk about it, Sooyoung argues. I dont get you guys. Whats the
deal?
Taeyeon frowns deeply. Its nothing and you should mind your own business.
Hey, thats not fair, Yuri speaks up. Were a team, Taengoo, and Sooyoungs not the only
one whos worried about you guys.
Now theyve all been emboldened into speaking up. Taeyeon feels her hands tense in her lap,
a vein in her temple throb.
If theres problems between two members, that affects the group, Jessica points out.
Well, theres no problem, Taeyeon insists, shaking her head. I dont know where you guys
are getting that idea

If theres no problem then why wont you talk to me? Tiffanys voice is hollow and quiet,
but it shoves the room into silence. Taeyeon looks at her, surprised; Tiffanys eyes are trained
on her lap. Taeyeon can only look at her for a brief moment, because the eyes of the rest of
the girls are disquieting.
I she begins and then can say nothing else. She rubs her forehead tiredly. Do we have to
talk about
Well, how long did you think we were going to go on like this, Taeyeon? She looks up at
last, meeting Taeyeons gaze with an apprehensive, anxious look. I mean, if the rest of the
group is noticing
Theres nothing going on, Taeyeon says, stressing the words. Ive been tired, weve all
been tired, this has been a long year, and
Thats not it and you know it.
and I also think, she said, raising her voice a little, theres no reason for us to talk about
this in front of
She trails off because theyre all looking at her. Being looked at. She cant stand it.
In front of us? Sunkyu asks, stunned. So all that were a team, we should share each
others happiness and sadness, all that stuff, you just said that for effect, huh?
No, Taeyeon protests. She feels ganged up on, and embarrassingly, tears start to come to
her eyes. She tenses, trying to force herself to stay calm. She has spent the better part of an
entire year trying to keep her emotions at bay and even a fuse as long as hers will burn up if it
keeps being lit. I this is a private thing, between me and Tiffany, and its not
But you wont talk to me about it, Tiffany says in disapproval.
Because theres nothing to talk about.
Taeyeon, you
It was a mistake, okay?
Tiffanys eyes widen; she pushes on.
It was a misunderstanding and its my fault, okay, and I think we should both get over it. I
was confused.
Now Im confused, Hyoyeon says.
Tiffany shakes her head. You say that like it was an accident.
Maybe it was.

But if thats all it was, why wont you speak to me? Do you have any idea how hurtful
How hurtful? Taeyeon explodes. How hurtful, really? For you? For you? Youre hurt?
Well, how did you expect me to react
I dont know. She feels her blood racing. Just forget about it, okay.
Tiffany looks at her, full of pity, and suddenly Taeyeon hates her, violently hates everything
about her sad, sorry face. Shes sick of it.
But Taeyeon youre
In love with you, she finishes, losing her temper at last. Thats my problem, its not yours.
She hadnt meant to say it, and yet once she has, she feels better. It hangs in the air
awkwardly, but she has held it in for too long, and even the defeated slump of Tiffanys
shoulders is a good enough response.
Im sorry, okay, she breathes. I shouldnt have kissed you, but you shouldnt have kissed
me back. You shouldnt have Im so confused, she admits softly and the way Tiffany
looks at her, so sad and sorry, like Taeyeon is a child throwing a tantrum, makes something
inside of her break.
The room is silent. She isnt sure for how long.
Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, its Juhyun who breaks the silence, and she addresses
Taeyeon.
Unni, this is what we mean, she says softly. All these things are going on, and yet you
dont tell us anything. You never talk to us, you keep secrets, you refuse to open up, and then
youre the first one to say were a team, were a family, we should all share with each other.
Thats not fair.
Taeyeon squeezes her eyes shut. She can tell theyre all stunned and she doesnt want to look
at them. This is your leader, she thinks, she is a mess, she is one screw-up after another.
Taengoo.
Its Sunkyu, beside her, taking her hand. She keeps her eyes closed.
Taengoo, come on. When are you going to realize how much we care about you? You have
to open up to us, otherwise the group will fall apart.
She wrenches her hand out of Sunkyus grasp and stands, rushing off to her bedroom with her
head bowed. She can hear their cries behind her but cant look back; shes afraid to look at
them, to see them, to see Tiffany, mostly, to look at her sad face and her pretty eyes.
She doesnt realize Sooyoung is hot on her heels until she tries to slam the door closed behind
her and it sticks as Sooyoung pushes herself in bodily. Taeyeon looks down, fighting back

tears. The door closes quietly and she feels Sooyoung step into her personal space, take her
arm, pull her close; she isnt sure whats happening until Sooyoungs arms are tight around
her.
She does not return the hug but unconsciously sinks into it, sighing. Her body feels fatigued,
weak, like shes been running a marathon for years.
Hey, Taeyeon, you have to go back out there and talk to them.
She shakes her head. Theres no way Sooyoung will understand.
Yes, you do. Youre our leader.
Her words only make Taeyeon feel worse. She is so far from a leader its almost a joke. She
hasnt been a leader to these girls for even five seconds, and she knows it; all shes done is
hold the group back, worry them, push them away. She shakes her head again.
Yes, Sooyoung insists. You jackass. You idiot. What is it going to take for you to get how
much we love you? YouTaeyeonyou
She loosens the grip she has Taeyeon in, sliding her arms around her shoulders and looking
down at Taeyeons teary, confused face. This is the worst way to be looked at, Taeyeon
thinks.
That you and Tiffany was that for real? Sooyoung asks. Whispers.
Taeyeon looks down. There is no me and Tiffany.
But you wanted there to be. You want there to be.
She nods, too drained to pretend otherwise. Sooyoung releases a breath and squeezes her
tighter.
You jerk. Why didnt you tell me? Tell us?
Because its none of your business.
She doesnt mean it harshly but Sooyoung is taken aback. She lets go of Taeyeon, stepping
backward and putting her hands in her pockets. She looks hurt. Maybe thats an
understatement. Taeyeon purses her lips, digging her feet into the floor to keep herself
upright.
Why not? Sooyoung asks softly. She shakes her head. I try so hard, Taeyeon, to get close
to you, and you keep pushing me away. I dont get it. Taeyeon remains silent, and she
continues. Why would you carry all this by yourself? Did you think we wouldnt
understand?
You dont. You cant.
What, that you like girls? Big deal, moron, did it bother us when Jessica told us? What kind

of people do you think we are? We love you.

Taeyeon shakes her head again. She cannot stop shaking it, cannot stop shaking all over.
Im in love with her, she tells Sooyoung, her voice hoarse.
Sooyoung nods, looking at her sorrowfully. It makes Taeyeon feel bad.
For how long?
Ive always loved her.
It feels strangely refreshing to say it. Confessing to Tiffany a year ago was the only time she
had admitted it, and yet, it still feels freeing to have the words out there. She feels like she
can breathe.
Sooyoung looks at her as though she doesnt know what to say, as though shes sorry for her.
She hugs her again. Taeyeon sniffles, pulling herself together.
You need to go out there, Sooyoung says. You need to talk to them. And you need to
you and Tiffany have to figure something out, because you cant go on the way you have.
The guilt makes Taeyeons head hurt. There is a loud chorus of voices telling them at every
turn that theyre the best idol group the industry has seen in years, and here she is, holding
them back.
When she drags herself back out to the living room, the girls havent even moved. Theyre
still seated in the same positions, and even their expressions, mannerisms are like before.
Tiffanys head is bowed, her eyes fixed on her lap, like shes frozen.
Taeyeon clears her throat, and theymost of themlook up at her. She fidgets under their
stares.
Sorry about before, she says softly.
They look at her, wide-eyed, expectant, like they need more. Always more. She has nothing
left to give.
She exhales. Then, mustering up the courage, she says, Look, guys. I think I think we
should do away with the whole leader position. Since, you knowI think maybe it would be
better if we just didnt have a leader. Its not working, so maybe we would be better off
without it.
Shock registers on their faces but she only glimpses it briefly before she feels the need to
look away. There is a long, silent beat before Sunkyu speaks up.
Of course, she says, cheerfully. I think it was always like that, wasnt it?
There is an awkward pause before the rest of the girls chime in.

Yeah, Hyoyeon adds, I always thought we didnt really have a leader, so thats fine.
The sense of relief Taeyeon is hoping for doesnt come. Instead she feels empty, lost. She
nods absently. What did she expect? Strangled cries of objection, protest? Clearly they felt as
she did, that she had let them down. She cant bear to think too long about how they must
view her nownot just a failure, but a quitter, too, and somehow they expected it. A liar.
Maybe her feelings for Tiffany are no ones business but her own, but she hadnt missed their
looks of betrayal.
The talk ends, then, abrupt and anticlimactic, and as they file off to bed she keeps her head
down, tidies up the living room. It is a few minutes before she realizes that Tiffany has stayed
behind, that they are alone in the dark of the living room. Her head is bowed, but when
Taeyeon notices her, she lifts her eyes up to her. They're red.
Will you please talk to me? she asks softly.
Taeyeon sighs. She is so exhausted. She twists a pillow in her hands anxiously before setting
it down on the floor.
Theres nothing really to talk about, is there?
Taeyeon.
Im sorry. I messed everything up. I should have never
You didnt mess everything up.
But you looked soand I cant help butlook we should forget about it because, you
know, I was confused that night and, um, I dont think I was in the right frame of mind,
and
We cant forget about it. I dont want you to think that IIm not angry, and Im not upset
with you. Please understand that. I care about you so much.
Taeyeon looks at her carefully. You knew how I felt about you, didnt you?
Tiffanys eyes widen, as though caught and she looks down, nodding. Her cheeks flush.
Taeyeon sighs.
How long have you known?
I dont know, Tiffany says, hesitant. Awhile, I guess?
How long, Taeyeon presses, feeling her heart beat fast.
I guess I suspected uh, pretty much as long as weve known each other
Taeyeon exhales in a short burst of surprise. Thatthat long? You
I mean, Taeyeon, I didnt know for sure, I just kind of suspected for a long time. I kept

thinking, you know, its probably just a crush, shell probably get over it
Taeyeon wets her lips. So all this time, all these years, you knew how I felt, and you
didnt She trails off. Didnt what? What did she expect?
What was I supposed to do? Or say? I didnt want to hurt you. I dont want to hurt you.
Taeyeon looks at the floor, frustrated. That was it, then. If Tiffany had known for that long,
then she clearly didnt feel the samethere was no chance of it. If she had, she wouldve
come to her about it. Wouldnt she? Suddenly she burns with shame and sadness, thinking
back. How long Tiffany must have known. How long she must have pitied her, felt bad for
her. Stayed friends with her, maybe, out of some misguided sympathy. I must have looked so
pathetic, thinks Taeyeon, I must look really pathetic to her.
Taeyeon. She feels Tiffany take her hand; its strangely cold, and their fingers lace together
instinctively. Im sorry. I wish I couldI mean, the last thing I would ever want to do is
hurt you. I love you, its just not
The same, Taeyeon finishes for her. She shrugs. I guess thats it, then.
Tiffany frowns. But what about us? Youre my best friend. I mean, we I dont want us to
grow apart, Taeyeon.
Taeyeon keeps her head bowed. All she wants, really, is to stay here, with their hands locked,
standing in Tiffanys radiating warmth. She had wished for a reset button so many times over
the past year and longs for it now more than ever, to have never told her, or maybe to reset
years back and have never fallen for her. She wants, more than anything, a best friend who is
just a best friend, who doesnt make her heart beat so fast she worries it will stop.
Im sorry, she says softly. Its too hard for me.
Before she leaves, Tiffany calls out to her.
Even if you try to push us away, youll always be our leader, she says. Her eyes are bright.
And even if you try to push me away, youll always be my best friend.
She can feel Tiffanys eyes on her even as she turns to leave, even as she slumps down the
hall toward her room; even when the door is closed, she thinks she can feel Tiffanys eyes on
her. Its terrifying, exhausting, painfully self-conscious, being a person who is looked at.

present
(2016)

January had closed in. Somehow, even without opening her eyes, Taeyeon knew that it had
snowed the night before. The light coming from the window was impossibly bright behind
her eyelids and she could sense it before she saw it, the full expanse of white like a sheet

draped over her. She could feel, on the outside, as though surrounding her, how cold it was,
but she felt only warmth.
There was a reason for that and the reason forced her eyes open, startled her unhurried
rousing into waking with a start. Her head throbbed and her mouth felt dry and she was
pinned to the couch, Stephanie Hwang draped over her. It was not, she admitted with some
sheepishness, the first time she had woken up with a hangover after spending the night with a
girl, but it was, to the best of her recollection, one of very few times she had woken up with
her clothes still on, which she supposed was a small victory.
The presence of clothes was the second thing she noticedafter the snowand if she hadnt
been so very hungover and dumbfounded with terror she might have thought to congratulate
herself for her willpower. As it was, the part of her brain that hadnt devoted itself to
viciously hating the painful hammering in her skull was preoccupied with a blank, dawning
sort of dread that intensified like a supernova the longer she let it sit in her head. Tiffany
stirred; her arms clutched Taeyeon tighter around the waist, her nose brushed against
Taeyeons collarbone, and Taeyeon could only hold her breath and hope, sort of dimly and
stupidly, that she would never wake up. Or that, more realistically, she, Taeyeon, could figure
out a way to extricate herself from the couch without waking Tiffany; if she escaped, maybe
Tiffany would awake and assume it had all been a dream.
Because truthfully, if it wasn't for the insanely uncomfortable position she had woken up in
and the numb, oddly bruised feeling of her lips, she would assume it was a dream. It was
certainly a common enough dream, and waking up from it was easier the more she did it, but
she hadnt been so drunk last night that she couldnt remember what had happened. She
prayed that she wasnt remembering it wrong, that it hadnt been one more in a string of
confusing attempts to look for something that wasnt there. She hadnt initiated it. She
pressed her memory so hard it made her head ache more. She hadnt. She hadnt. Tiffany had.
Tiffany had kissed her.
The breath left her lungs, then, in a strange and ecstatic rush. She had to get away. This was
too much to think about, and it would be impossible enough if the pounding headache was all
she had to worry about, but she had Tiffanys warmth and the softness of her skin and the
scent of her hair to strangle her thoughts.
She slid, experimentally, out from underneath Tiffany the barest of inches. It would be
difficult, but she could do this, and it wasnt the first time she had made an exit without being
noticed and Tiffany was a fairly heavy sleeper and if she could just be slightly less terrified
and stop trembling she knew it would be a million times easiershe nudged herself out a bit
further
Good morning.

She froze.
Tiffany blinked sleepily at her and then yawned, lifting her head. Taeyeon stared at her,
terrified.
Good morning, she attempted, but her voice broke halfway through. She cleared her throat.
Going somewhere? Tiffany asked through a yawn, dropping her head back down on
Taeyeons shoulder.
Taeyeons mind raced. She suddenly felt very aware of her hands, which were weird things to
suddenly be aware of, but where in the world was she supposed to put them? She felt Tiffany
huddle closer, tighten her arms around Taeyeons waist, and Taeyeon, very uselessly and
stupidly, wondered about where she should put her hands.
Oh, um, she said vaguely, her mind circling around the question. My head hurts. I was
going to get medicine.
Youre hungover, Tiffany mumbled.
Its true, Taeyeon agreed. She pressed her hands tight against her sides.
You were drunk, Tiffany added.
Also true.
You said you quit drinking.
Extenuating circumstances, Taeyeon admitted. Tiffany
Cold.
It snowed, she explained. Her muscles felt tense. This was a bad place to fall asleep.
Tiffany
Tiffany laughed a little and then lifted her head, again. Her eyes were bleary with sleep but
they were eyes you could look into forever, until you were blind. She smiled a little. Maybe it
was the hangover, maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was the dizzying feeling of constant
confusion, or maybe it was just because it was Tiffany and Tiffany was smiling, but the sight
of it stunned Taeyeon into submission.

Tiffany kissed her. Taeyeon clutched her forearm tightly, feeling the world turn. This was
something she was going to have to wake up from, and in a way, she hoped she would and
hoped she wouldnt. This was too confusing. Tiffanys lips were soft, deliberate, dragging
down her jawline, pressing underneath her chin.
Tiffany, she said, hesitant, and her voice sounded hollow in the room.
Hmm.
What arewhat arewhat is this?
She didnt want to stop her, really, for anything in the world, but she had to know. She was
about to drive herself crazy. Thoughts were suddenly incapable of staying with her for very
long. Her mind did not deal with the unknown very well. She felt herself grip Tiffanys
forearm tighter.
Tiffany paused, her lips still, and then resumed, now pressing a kiss behind Taeyeons ear.
Isnt this what you want, she breathed.
Is it what you want?
Tiffany lifted her head. Her eyes were dark. Would I be doing this if it wasnt what I
wanted?
You tell me.
Tiffany looked at her for a long time. She smiled. Youre hurting me, she said gently.
Taeyeon blinked at her. What?
My arm.
Oh. She hadnt realized how tightly, desperately, she had been clutching Tiffanys arm.
She let go. Sorry, I
Taeyeon. Tiffany laced their fingers together. Her hands were cold, but the action wasnt.
You mean so much to me.
She felt warm beneath her skin. That Thats not an answer.
Tiffany shook her head. Her smile didnt waver. You think too much.

So Ive been told. But still

Taeyeon, Tiffany pressed her into the couch. Stop talking.
That was easy, sort of, even if she had reservations, because when the girl youve been in
love with since you were fifteen years old wants you to shut up and kiss her, thats pretty
much the only thing you do. Even if her head hurt so much she thought she would go blind
and her back ached from the uncomfortable position on the couch, she felt suddenly numb
with warmth, humming and buzzing like maybe she was drunk again, like Tiffany pressed
against her with her skin and her mouth and the scent of her hair had made her drunk.
Maybe she was still asleep and maybe she would never wake up.
Im vibrating, Tiffany mumbled against her lips.
Oh, Taeyeon replied, thats, um, a weird feature.
Its my phone, hold on. She used her arm to lift herself up and fished her phone out of her
sweatshirt pocket.
Hello?
She sat up, suddenly backlit. The window behind her, the blinding white snow, and her hair
mussed with sleep, her lips red and swollenTaeyeon swallowed hard. Had to wake up.
Tiffany cursed under her breath, holding her phone to her ear. I forgot, Im sorry. Can we
reschedule? The absence of her warmth made Taeyeon shiver as she watched Tiffany frown,
run a hand through her hair.
Im really sorry, but it was so short notice anyway, she told whoever was on the phone.
Any time, like, later todayno, not now, ImIm busy. She locked eyes with Taeyeon
briefly and Taeyeon felt her body flush, there in the cold, still air. Okay. Okay. Sorry, oppa.
Yes, bye.
She dropped her phone carelessly on the floor and within seconds she was back in Taeyeons
space, filling her arms and smelling like sleep and heat; Sorry about that, she murmured
dismissively, and covered Taeyeons mouth with her own once again. Taeyeon stiffened,
feeling Tiffanys hand cupping her face, her lips warm.
Tiffany, she tried to say in the space between their lips, can weTiffanycan we talk?

Her fingers were cold as they brushed her neck and then collarbone. She kissed the shell of
Taeyeons ear. About?
Um, what She had to break away, attempting to put a little distance between them;
otherwise, she would never get this out. Tiffany sighed, impatiently, but shifted to move off
of her anyway. The distance helped Taeyeon to think better almost immediately. She stood,
feeling dizzy; it made the blood rush to her head immediately, but at least that meant her
blood was moving.
Taeyeon.
Tiffany was looking up at her expectantly from the couch.
You said you wanted to talk.
Right, Taeyeon said, dazed, and wondering why she was trying so hard to be level-headed
and responsible when Tiffany was there, five feet away, and Tiffany was willing, and
Tiffany's mouth was willing, and she had only wanted this for as long as she could remember.
What, um what arehey, who was that on the phone?
Jooyoung oppa.
Oh. Did you have a schedule this morning?
I was supposed to go to a meeting? Tiffany said absently. But I forgot to set my alarm last
night. I was distracted.
Ah, Taeyeon said, embarrassed. Meeting? What for?
Tiffany shrugged. He just said be ready, and I forgot. Someone in product development, I
think?
Oh. Taeyeon wrapped her arms around herself, shivering in the cold. Choi Junghee?
I think thats who it was, Tiffany agreed, standing. She was back in Taeyeons space,
Taeyeon noted with trepidation, and the ability to think would disappear in no time, she was
sure of it. She put her arms around Taeyeons shoulders, lowered her head. Cold?
Yes. Hes the head of that department. Weve never had to work with him individually so
you probably havent met him.
Do you know him? Tiffany asked, not seeming overly interested. She was too close, but at

least Taeyeon felt warmer.

I met him a few months ago, she replied. She had met with Choi Junghee when she had
first been encouraged to begin production on a solo album. He was in charge of artist
development and the meeting had mostly been about how Taeyeon could differentiate herself
as a solo artist, marketing-wise. They want you to release a solo album.
Thats news to me, Tiffany said, raising her eyebrows. She clasped her hands behind
Taeyeons neck. They were cold, cold, the only part of her that was cold.
Taeyeon felt strangely unsettled, but wasnt sure why. It made sense for Tiffany to release a
solo album. Juhyun had. It was smart. It didnt change anything. Its a good idea, she told
Tiffany. Good luck.
Tiffany nodded, as though she had stopped listening. Her eyes were so dark. Taeyeon had
never seen them that dark, although she supposed it was possible she had just never seen
them this close. The hair on the back of her neck stood up as Tiffanys head dipped down and
her eyes closed and her lips were firm and they took their time. Each time, she felt undone,
stupid, like she had never kissed anyone before; each time, her mind became fuzzy and her
hands shook.
Tiffany, she tried again, with great difficulty. The part of her brain that was fifteen years
old asked her why she kept stopping. Tiffany.
Yes.
What, um, whatwhat is thisI meanwhat are we
Well, Im Tiffany, she replied languidly, brushing her lips against Taeyeons jaw. And
youre Taeyeon.
Right.
And this is kissing.
But Tiffany had pulled back far enough to look into her eyes and Taeyeon caught them
searchingly. It didn't make sense. She had spent so long looking at Tiffany, being looked at
by Tiffany felt somehow wrong. Why? SuddenlyI justI dontdo you even The
patience in Tiffany's expression surprised her, and the surprise made her blunt: Please dont
play with my feelings.
Tiffany looked at her for a long moment. Her eyes had become very sad. I wouldnt do that.

Why did you kiss me?

Because, I wanted to.
Why?
Because I thought that if I didnt, I would miss my chance.
Taeyeon narrowed her eyes. Your your chance.
Look. Tiffany looked at the floor. This isnt easy for me, okay.
Yeah, its totally simple for me, Taeyeon shot back sarcastically.
I mean, I know thatI justI could spend the rest of my life trying to understand how I
feel about you, and by the time I figure it out, it could be too late. Taeyeon could hear how
hard she swallowed. And its not fair to you.
And how do you feel?
Tiffany wouldnt meet her eyes. She shifted uncomfortably. I dont know. I just want to
be with you, all the time. I dont want other people to have you because I want you to belong
to me. I want to make you happy. I dont think I can, but its what I want for you.
Taeyeon only looked at her silently, trying to understand. Her brain felt blocked off from her
heart suddenly, like it didnt want to believe what it was feeling. Tiffany squirmed under her
gaze.
You make me happy, Taeyeon, she admitted quietly. You make me feela lot of things.
Its confusing.
Confusing? Taeyeon repeated.
When I think of you with other people, I get angry. Not angrysad. Orfrustrated. I know
I keep telling you to get over me, and I know youre going to say its selfish of me, butbut
youre supposed to belong to me. She met Taeyeons eyes. Even if I cant ever be good
enough, youre supposed to be mine.
Taeyeons tongue felt heavy. Yours? Youryour what? Your best friend? Your
Just mine, Tiffany said quietly. She rested her forehead against Taeyeons and closed her

eyes. Her eyelashes, even without makeup, were long and graceful against her skin.
Taeyeons breath caught. Mine, Tiffany murmured again.
At long last her eyes fluttered open and Taeyeon nearly shut her own in response because
looking into them this close up was like looking into the eye of the storm. She watched with
careful, hesitant fascination as Tiffany wet her lips. They were shaking.
Im sorry I dont have a better explanation for you, Tiffany said softly, and the words
whispered along Taeyeons lips. Ive lain awake in bed at night trying to figure it out.
Maybe it would be easier for me if I let you go, but I cant do that. You belong to me.
Taeyeons heart beat quickly. She felt Tiffanys lips and nose brush against hers like warm
air and her eyes closed again, she inhaled raggedly.
It wasnt anything she didnt know already, she reminded herself. She had belonged to
Tiffany, heart and soul, since the moment she had met her. She had tried, tirelessly, to give
herself to others, but it was impossible. Every part of her belonged to Tiffany, would always
belong to Tiffany.
Did Tiffany belong to her, though, was the question she was afraid to ask.
Okay, she said, simply. She felt off-balance, as though leaping into something very
dangerous, and her mind protested reflexively. Still, her body angled inward, could not keep
itself away from Tiffany, and every part of her ached to be closer. Her mind blanked and the
hair on her arms stood up. Okay, she said again, more in an effort to occupy her mouth.
But Tiffany had other thoughts in mind and pressed her lips against Taeyeons sweetly, warm
but restrained. Okay, she agreed. Butslow, Taeyeon. Okay?
Okay, Taeyeon repeated robotically, her mouth feeling numb. Slow. Right.
I have to go, Tiffany said apologetically. She held the back of Taeyeons neck with one
hand and held her close, kept their foreheads pressed together. At last, she released her,
stepping backward with a heavy sigh. Sorry. This meeting.
Right, Taeyeon said, trying to pull herself together. She had never felt this out of control
before. To want someone as badly as she had wanted Tiffany for what felt like her entire life,
and then to have her within arms reachit was maddening. She was surprised her head
hadnt exploded, even as the throbbing intensified against her skull. Right. Were scheduled
for studio time at 2:00, though, dont forget.
She straightened and tried to climb clumsily back into her professional skin. Idol group leader,

perfectionist lead singer, responsible teammateanything that wasnt a teenager aching with
desire. She swallowed hard. Dont forget, she repeated.
Tiffany smiled, all straight white teeth and glowing skin and stupid, pretty eyelashes. I
wont. Her face fell suddenly as she looked Taeyeon over. Are you okay? Youre shaking.
Huh? Yes. No. Yes, Im fine, its cold, you should goyou should go nowand I will take
a cold shower andsee you in a few hoursso please goplease
Tiffany laughed, taking another step backward. It was amazing how one full step back was
enough to allow Taeyeon to think straight again.
She watched Tiffany disappear into her bedroom to get dressed and then wandered into the
kitchen, dazed. She took medicine for her headache and washed it down with water. Once she
started drinking, she couldnt stop. She refilled her glass over and over, drinking each one
down until she ran out of breath, then gulping in enough air before drinking more. She felt
painfully weak, but reasoned that she hadnt eaten in quite awhile. She put her head against
the cool surface of the refrigerator; freezing as she was, her head felt warm, feverish. She
stood for several moments, dragging her mind through it second by second.
By the time she had recovered and came out of the kitchen, Tiffany had already left, her bag
and coat gone from the front hall. She had brought in the mail as well. Taeyeons hands went
to the large pocket envelope instinctively, because she knew what it was.
Her hands still felt numb, and her fingers felt cold as she tore the envelope open and held the
contract in her hands. The throbbing in her head was suddenly so painful she felt as though
she could hear it, could feel it in her entire body.

chapter seventeen

Of the many dance routines she had perfected over the years, Taeyeon found this one the
most difficult.
When she was eighteen years old, broadcast network headquarters were like mazeswhat
seemed like hundreds of interlocking corridors stuffed with people, all of whom you had to
greet lest you develop a reputation. It had taken her forever to find her way around any of
them without a manager or another member present, but now she could maneuver most of

them with her eyes closed, just as most of the choreography she had memorized was
instinctual now, her muscles mechanical. She didnt need to think; she just did.
Instinct didnt solve puzzles, though, and it was a maze of puzzles; in place of loops and traps
were young juniors who had debuted after her, all of whom wanted to show the proper
respect by showering her with attention. She remembered being newly debuted, when
everyone was her senior, and she remembered the enthusiasm well. Now, on any given day,
she was one of the most senior idols in the backstage corridors, and this was a responsibility
and burden all by itself. This was difficult choreography as well, juggling the business of
getting where you wanted without being noticed and the business of not being noticed
without looking like that was what you wanted. It was easy to develop a reputation of being
unfriendly, and sometimes the pressure of being a good senior was one of the most
burdensome aspects of the job.
Singing was easy. Performing was easy. Concerts were lifeblood. But the industry was a
social community all its own, with its own societal expectations, and that had maybe been the
most difficult thing all along.
She had hoped that wearing no make-up and pulling her cap low over her face would at least
ensure that few people recognized her, and it seemed to work. As she piloted the corridors
quickly, she could feel eyes on her, a series of quick second glanceswas it herit cant be
her, shes not promoting anythingwhy would she be here without a managerwhy would
she be here at allbut the itchy feeling of eyes on her was a feeling more familiar to Taeyeon
than breathing in and out.
She stopped at the door she had been looking for, double-checking the name printed on the
sheet. The last time she had been this unfamiliar with rookie idol groups had been because
theyd spent most of the year in Japan. She really had no such excuse this timeshe was a
radio DJ, in all fairnessexcept that she was still trying to shake off the apathy that Tiffanys
three-month long absence had wrapped her in. The name was only vaguely familiar and she
had made Jinri repeat it several times to make sure she wouldnt get it wrong.
She knocked twice and then stepped in; it took the occupants a moment to recognize her and
then three teenage girls flung themselves into ninety-degree bows. She responded,
uncomfortably, having hoped they would have gone onstage by now. The average age among
them was probably sixteen. When they had straightened she realized that she did, in fact,
recognize one of them, as her picture had come alongside Taeyeons own in a recent news
articleThe Next Taeyeon, the headline had said. Well, okay, thenyoung talent was
something that had always interested Taeyeon, but the article had left a sour taste in her
mouth, somehow. It had straddled the line between flattering and presumptuous, maybe; the
idea of being a standard to be held to was nice, the idea of becoming obsolete and needing a
replacement was less nice.

It wasnt ego, or maybe it was. It just wasnt something she had thought herself capable of.
Whatever it was, it hadnt made her want to hear their song, at the time.
Luckily, the group seemed so nervous about their upcoming performance that their initial
excitement over seeing her had worn off quickly. The three of them stood out like glittering
diamonds among rocks, their flashy stage costumes a startling contrast to the swarm of staff
milling around the waiting room. She felt sorry, for her presence seemed to have distracted
them all, and the girls had made their backs straight like sharp rods, as though she would
scold them for bad posture or something. At any rate, she had not come to visit them, and
they certainly knew that, so she tried to be polite without being approachable.
The prettiest one had sat back down to get her hair done and Taeyeons stomach felt strange
as she approached.
Hello, she said.
Hyejin didnt look up from the work she was doing with a curling iron. Whats up, she
asked around a mouth full of hairpins. Taeyeon twisted her hands awkwardly, watching her
work. She could see the shaking of the teenage girls shoulders beneath the spill of her glossy
hair. Her presence was a burden, Taeyeon realized.
Nothing. Just stopping by.
She watched Hyejin work. She was reminded, all at once, of the first time they had met, and
how weird, how singularly expectant she had felt then. She put her hands in her pockets,
finding nothing else to do.
Hyejin finally glanced up at her, making brief eye contact. Youll have to give me a minute.
Yeah, no problem. Sorry.
How did you know I was here?
Oh. I called Jinri, she said you picked up some extra work, so I asked her where youd be. I
didnt know they filmed a music show this early, she said vaguely, trailing off.
All that for me? Hyejin asked wryly. You couldve just texted me and asked where I was.
Yeah, but I Taeyeon shrugged. She had thought Hyejin might not want to see her after
she had been so stupid the night before. But the hair Hyejin was combing was attached to a

head (obviously), and the head had ears and a mouth. Rookies talked, maybe more than
anyone. No one needed to hear about it. I had to stop by the building anyway, she lied.
Hyejin shrugged and nodded. She picked up a bottle of hairspray. Close your eyes.
Taeyeon obeyed, her spine feeling rigid in anticipation.
Not you. A laugh. Taeyeon.
Her eyes shot open. A cloud of hairspray came up between them. She blushed.
Oh. Right. Ill let you work.
She stood aside. She thought maybe these girls had debuted only a few weeks ago. They kept
eyeing her. She wondered what she would have thought if a senior singer had hung around
her dressing room conspicuously back during the first few weeks of her career. She wondered
what a group of young girls thought about her, about all nine of them, at all. Did they think
they were all washed up? Too old to be idols, still? Beyond idols? It had been many years and
they were arguably still on top; did this garner respect? Fear? Weariness? Did they think they
were overstaying their welcome? Was it that middling feeling, that feeling of undeniable
respect mixed with impatience, when will they just give up and just let the whole thing go.
Oddly, that was what she worried about the most, not waning popularity. They were no
longer at their peak, really, but their peak had been so high that she knew, somehow, it would
never dip very low. She didnt worry very much about their popularity declining so much as
she worried about their image if they stayed in one place too long. To still be an idol group at
their age was silly, but it was a self-conscious, tongue-in-cheek sort of silly, at least. What
she really worried, though, was that maybe the public wanted them to move on. Maybe it was
what they expected. Maybe they would release this album in a few months and the reaction
would be Ah still, huh? Well, Ill buy it, but this is verging on excessive.
She liked the energy in the room. It was electric, charged. She remembered that well. It
wasnt just the first few weeks. It was the first few months, years. Less as time went on, but
she could remember it, even up to four years into the business, standing in waiting rooms and
feeling alive, the blood rushing. They called it adrenaline but it was more than that, it was
like waking up from a deep sleep to find yourself right where you belonged. Even when you
were exhausted, it was like being awake for the first time.
When Hyejin was finished she beckoned Taeyeon over. They were silent for some time. The
rookies chattered in flush excitement. Taeyeon sat down and spun in the chair idly. The girls
were rushed out of the room and a decent amount of staff followed; the exit settled like a
damp silence. She felt Hyejin removing her cap and then her fingers were in Taeyeons hair,

running down the length of it. Her comb pressed gently against her scalp and she slid it all the
way down, examined the ends.
You need to use more conditioner, she said, idly, seriously. What are you using?
The stuff I advertise.
But that stuffs terrible. You dont have to, its not like people will know you dont really
use it.
Yeah, but I got like, ten bottles for free, Taeyeon said, frowning. Hyejin had searched the
table for a bottle of something; she put some in her hands and was working it into Taeyeons
hair. They were silent for awhile. The room wasnt empty, but they were as good as alone
here in the corner, the music show loudly blaring through the closed-circuit television.
Taeyeon watched Hyejins hands through the mirror. She realized how good she had become
at staring into mirrors without really looking at herself. There was a whole world in there and
she was just one forgettable person.
Hyejin cleared her throat after some time. It almost made Taeyeon laugh; the action was so
similar to her own.
You seem like you want to break up with me, Hyejin said casually, combing her fingers
through Taeyeons hair. Which is weird, because Im not your girlfriend.
Taeyeon tried to relax. What?
Your whole vibe, Hyejin explained. Its like you came all the way here to tell me
something important. Either that or you found the lack of volume in your hair depressing and
knew only one person could help you.
Itsno, itsneitherII have volume in my hair
If you say so, Hyejin replied with a note of disbelief. She ruffled the top of her head and
then worked more product in.
I just, uh, wanted to apologize for the other night.
Hyejin made eye contact with her in the mirror. Apologize?
Yeah.

Why? Her voice was calm. Its not the first time you came over drunk, or looking for sex,
or both.
Taeyeon flushed. She cleared her throat. Either way, sorry.
Let me trim off your split ends and Ill accept your apology.
Okay.
Hyejin looked for scissors. Taeyeon clasped her hands in her lap and watched her. Why had
she come here? Maybe an apology through text was too impersonal, but she knew that wasnt
it. She had wanted to see her. She wasnt sure why. This morning with Tiffany had left her
disorientedwhich was understating it a bit. It felt weird to look at people when her heart
felt this strangely light and heavy, her mind this strangely clear and clouded. Even her
fathers voice had sounded strange to her when shed called him and asked for his regular
lawyers phone number. Brand new eyes, brand new ears, brand new skin; the back of her
neck felt sensitive where Hyejins fingers brushed as she combed her hair. She remembered
Tiffanys hands, her fingers so cold and soft, the scratch of her nails.
You seem different, Hyejin said. She combed Taeyeons hair out thoroughly. Her tone was
restrained, cautious.
Taeyeon held her breath. Differenthow?
Hyejin shrugged. She put a towel around Taeyeons shoulders. You tell me.
She bit her lip. She wasnt sure how to say it. What was there to say? It wasnt like she could
even understand what was going on. She sighed. More and more this morning was feeling
like a lengthy dream, the kind you had while lying in bed in the glare of mornings sunlight,
drifting in and out of sleep, knowing it was just a dream but trying to hold onto the scraps of
it. Just like a dream, the more she thought about it, the more the specifics fell apart. The more
she tried to recall the roughness of Tiffanys voice or the glittering strands of her hair, the
more they became indistinct.
When you tried too hard to commit something to memory, you distorted it, she thought. If
you held on too tight, you lost it.
I dont know, she said finally.
Were not actually dating, so you cant be breaking up with me, Hyejin murmured idly, as
though discussing the weather. She focused on Taeyeons hair. But it feels that way to you,
too, doesnt it? Right?

I She glanced at Hyejins reflection in the mirror. She was too focused on her work to
meet her gaze and so Taeyeon just studied her for a long moment. She wished, regretfully,
that she had never gotten involved with Hyejin. She got too attached to people. It was always
going to be a weakness and it wasnt going to get better. If she had taught herself early on to
not get attached to people, things would be easier.
I think I get it, Hyejin said softly. She had begun trimming. Her hands were steady as the
scissors slid cleanly through the ends of Taeyeons hair. Well, like I said. Were friends. If
youre in a relationship with someone else, I dont mind.
Its notIm not really in a relationship, Taeyeon tried to explain, but Hyejin smiled,
laughed gently.
Its okay. She took Taeyeons earlobe between her thumb and forefinger and pulled gently,
stroking it. Her hands were warm. I get it.
I just wanted to apologize, Taeyeon said. She tried to remind herself why she had come
here. There had been a lot of girls over the years, and maybe she owed all of them something,
but Hyejin, she knewHyejin, she really owed Hyejin.
For the other night, she went on. Embarrassed. Really. I know you said I dont have to
butIm sorry. I dont want you to feel likeI wasnt using you. I wouldnt use you. She
tried to inject her words with as much sincerity as she felt. She had never meant anything as
genuinely as she meant that. Maybe that was what it was, maybe that was why she owed
Hyejin more than anything. She had used a lot of people, she thought. Over and over again,
different people, in an attempt to dull the achebut they had used her, too, she knew. That
was being an idol. An ideal. Something for people to project their hopes and wants on; they
could say they had spent the night with Kim Taeyeon, but they didnt know Kim Taeyeon.
They knew what they wanted Kim Taeyeon to be. So they used her just as she used them.
Hyejin combed through the ends of her hair. I dont think she used me, Taeyeon thought
suddenly, and felt very sad.
All done, Hyejin said. She took the towel off Taeyeons shoulders and inspected her hair
once more. Much better. Should be even.
She wondered if Hyejin had heard her. I just want you to know, she repeated. I would
never use you.
I know.

Why are you so understanding? Taeyeon blurted. She couldnt stand to look at herself in
the mirror, not even to examine her hair. She looked down at her lap. I mean, why do you
Im such a mess, and no matter what I do, youre fine with it.
Youre not a mess. Taeyeon snorted in disbelief. All right, youre a little bit of a mess, but
youre a cute mess.
An attempt at levity. Taeyeon couldnt understand why she now felt so sad. She had to wake
up from this. She looked at her hands clasped tensely in her lap, and felt Hyejins fingers run
through her hair.
Come on, Taeyeon said at last, softly, looking up in the mirror to meet Hyejins eyes.
Hyejin smiled. It was a sad smile. For the first time, Taeyeon noticed how guarded she was,
like she was fighting to remain casual. Hyejin looked around the waiting room and made sure
they were alone, and then she wrapped her arms around Taeyeons shoulders from behind,
kissed her temple.
I think you ask too much of yourself, she murmured into Taeyeons hair. And you think
the rest of the world is asking the same. Theyre not. Its all in your head. I want you to
realize that. I would never ask you for anything, Taeyeon.
You could, Taeyeon said earnestly, looking at her in the mirror. If you needed something,
you could ask me.
I know I could, Hyejin replied. So I wont. I care about you too much.
Taeyeon looked at her and then laughed shortly. Hyejin straightened, let go. The sudden lack
of warmth was painful.
I just Taeyeon exhaled. I do want to stay friends. But I dont want you to feel obligated.
You know? If you dont want to I mean, Id understand if you dont want to be friends.
Dont pretend just because you feel obligated, you know?
Hyejin shook her head and smiled. She had a pretty smile, when it was genuine. Taeyeon,
she sighed, soaked in reproof. She ran her fingers through Taeyeons hair again. Dont be an
idiot. Love isnt an obligation.
Taeyeon frowned, not sure what to make of her statement.
People do a lot of things out of obligation, but this isnt one of them. Its a stupidly honest
emotion. The way people feel about other people. Okay? Remember that, okay?

Taeyeon thought maybe that was true, maybe partly. It wasnt something you could control.
She knew that better than anyone. But wasnt love a form of obligation, anyway, she thought.
Wasnt it a responsibility to bear, a burden you couldnt lift?
Thats what she thought, but she didnt say so. It made you weak. Carrying something so
heavy, for so longeventually it would make you weak.

Bad moods were contagious.

She supposed this was true with most people, but it was especially true of the group of people
she had spent the better part of her adult life with. Good teamwork had a price, she guessed,
and the synergy that made it easy for them to work together also meant they subsumed each
others worst emotions along with the best ones.
Maybe it was the snow, which made travel in the congested city difficult, or the fact that the
studio time had been scheduled last minute and some members had needed to cancel other
engagements to make it. She suspected it was more of the latter, since they all seemed to be
indirectly pushing their ire onto her, the one who had scheduled the studio time. It wasnt
necessarily her fault; the studio engineer they wanted to work with was busy and her schedule
was tight. At notice that she had a free afternoon, Taeyeon had jumped on it.
Whatever the reason, the atmosphere of the studio was gloomy.
Wheres Miyoung, Hyoyeon muttered impatiently, checking the clock for the tenth time.
Taeyeon checked her phone to see if Tiffany had sent another text. She has a meeting, she
explained, and shes running late.
Wonderful.
Its fine, the studio engineer said. One of the reasons they had wanted to work with Jihae at
all was that she was laid-back and easy to work with, besides being one of the best. Shell
miss a little, but I dont need you to start laying down vocal parts until later.
Glad to see youre alive, Jessica remarked, glancing up from her phone to give Taeyeon a
disapproving glare.
Taengoo cant be killed, Sunkyu said gravely, putting an arm around Taeyeons shoulders.

Its true, Taeyeon agreed. Youll never understand the burden of being immortal.
Do you have any idea how worried I was when you left my apartment last night, Jessica
snapped, pouting dramatically.
Im sorry, Taeyeon said honestly. From now on Ill text you every hour, on the hour, Still
alive, for now.
Okay, joke about my sincerity and concern, Jessica whined.
I will.
Youre in a good mood, Sunkyu commented, wrapping her other arm around Taeyeon and
looking at her curiously.
Everything okay? Jessica asked meaningfully. A look passed between them. She could trust
Jessica to not tell everyone. It wasnt a secretsurely Taeyeons ability to be a gigantic mess
was no secret, she thoughtbut it was a kindness all the same.
Taeyeon smiled briefly. Yeah, actually.
Did you and Tiffany kiss and make-up?
Taeyeon looked at her, wide-eyed.
Jessica frowned at her look. What? Are you still fighting?
No, Taeyeon said. She scratched the back of her neck. Were not fighting.
Good, Jessica said with a sigh of relief. Everyone else is already so grumpy, I dont think I
could stand having you two give each other the cold shoulder all day, too.
No, werefine. Excuse me. Jihae had beckoned her over and she was grateful for the
reprieve, especially to talk about the album. Music was the only thing capable of clearing her
head. When she had started writing her own songs, she had been surprised at the
expressiveness she was capable of, somehow, because she did not consider herself an
inordinately expressive person. She supposed it made sense, and it was why she had always
been so drawn to singing, because it allowed her expression in a way she couldnt achieve
normally. Songwriting was the same, but intensified. At the same time, the business of it was
remarkable; being able to divorce her feelings about her work from the business of the work
was a surprisingly easy feat. To be able to talk about a song she had poured her entire heart
and soul into as though it was a product, a commodity, was a surprising ability.

Im surprised youre not saving that song you wrote for yourself, Jihae commented once
they had paused their discussion of the recording process.
Taeyeon worried her lip. Yeah, you and everybody else, apparently.
Do you want my opinion?
Always, unni.
Dont treat everyones opinion of that song as empty praise. You remember what it was like
when you first started writing songs, right? If its not good, no one here will hold back telling
you that.
True, Taeyeon remarked dully, still remembering the sting of rejection of her first few
compositions.
And even when a songs good, youre still going to have a difficult time of getting this much
praise over it. The fact that everyone is this favorable toward it should tell you something.
Im sure people have told you that it could really boost your solo career, but theyre wrong. It
would do more than boost it. I mean, between you and me, she lowered her voice, checking
over her shoulder to make sure none of the other girls were listening, you could be more
successful than the group itself if you kept it for your own.
Taeyeon must have looked as troubled and surprised as she felt because Jihae touched her
shoulder, gently, apologetically.
Hey, Im just sayingits not like it would be betraying the group or anything. I know you
girls. Ive worked with a lot of idol groups. A friendship like the one you girls share doesnt
come along that often. Theyd understand. Im just sayingIm just saying its a good song.
All the more reason for me to give it to the group, Taeyeon said, although the praise felt
warm inside her. It wasnt that she was tempted, really, but the meaning of releasing this song
as a solo song finally occurred to her. It wouldnt just be a successful songit would be a
successful song that she had written. Having a solo career was one thing, and it wasnt
something she gave much thought to beyond the tired inevitability of it. What she really
wanted, what she had always wanted, was to be seen as a legitimate artist, and all the
songwriting she had done for the group had yet to do anything to get her there.
Jihae chuckled. Theres no shame in keeping it for yourself, she pointed out. Sometimes
youre too selfless, I think.

Taeyeon laughed. No, you dont get it. Theres nothing selfless about it, unni. Its one of the
most selfish things Ive ever done.
Yeah, but
The door opened then and the loudest person in the entire universe yelled a greeting.
Taeyeons heart skipped a beat. She would never get used to it. Stephanie Hwang, like a
sonic boom casually strolling into a room.
Unni, youre late, Juhyun said severely.
Juhyun, youre scary, Tiffany returned playfully, but her expression was a little glum. It
was easy to miss, since Tiffany was better at faking emotion than anyone, but Taeyeon was
staring so hard at her she was surprised Tiffany hadnt spontaneously combusted from the
intensity, so she noticed.
Tiffany touched her wrist, gently, briefly, as she came to sit with her. Taeyeon could not stop
looking at her. It was just like when she had come back from L.A., only this time she hadnt
seen her for a mere three hours instead of three months.
Howd the meeting go? she asked in a low tone.
It was okay, I guess, Tiffany said vaguely. She frowned. Really good, actually. It went
well. It was good. I dont really want to talk about it.
Taeyeon studied her. You have a lot to think about, I guess.
Basically. Sorry, I just She waved her hands around in vexation. Kind of sudden.
Yeah.
I should probably tell the other girls, right?
If you want, Taeyeon replied diplomatically, thinking she was barely in a position to give
any advice considering her silence regarding the contract revision shed been offered. She
drew her lip between her teeth. The studio hummed with activity and the air was hot and
thick; it seemed like the heat had been kicked up to unbearable levels, but it made Taeyeon
breathe in and out shallowly, watching the flutter of Tiffanys eyelashes as she examined her
hands in her lap like they were the most fascinating things in the room. It wasnt the first time
shed noticed the utter sadness that Tiffany seemed locked in so often, but it still surprised
her, left her dazed.

She wondered what Tiffany was thinking, because she wondered about what Tiffany thought
a lot. Nearly constantly. She wondered what Tiffany had expected when she had moved to
Korea. They had talked about it before, about how a nine-membered girl group was really the
last thing they had ever expected as their future. Even when they had grown used to it, even
when they had fallen in love with it, it still felt like a prelude, the opening act to an eventual
solo career. She wondered. To suddenly be handed something when your hand wasnt
reaching out for itwell, she just wonderedshe wondered, a littlewouldnt it drop, she
wondered, right out of your hand.
She wondered if that was what Tiffany was thinking. Her head was bowed thoughtfully for a
long time. Taeyeon watched her, watched the little down-curve of her mouth, and her brow
furrowed beneath the long sweep of her hair, and the way her hands twisted uncomfortably in
her lap.
She waited, because she had always waited.
Tiffany finally raised her head to meet Taeyeons eyes and smiled. Hi.
Hi.
Your hair looks different.
Taeyeon laughed, embarrassed.
Its nice.
Thanks.
I, Tiffany began to say and then thought better of it because there were people, maybe, or
because she had become shy, maybe, and Taeyeon hung on every unsaid word. But she did
smile, and it was a real smile, because Taeyeon knew the fake ones, and kept track of them. It
reached her eyes, forced them closed, and Taeyeon thought unsteadily that even if the future
was a little confusing, maybe it didnt really matter too much. Maybe they had made a
promise, once, and maybe theyd keep it.
When they finally got started, the studio was loud with chatter and she felt Tiffany grip the
inside of her elbow, drag her close and hold her there for a moment before releasing her. It
stayed beneath her skin for a long time, not just where her fingernails had dug in and made
anxious little marks, but all over, tingling right beneath her skin.

Working with Jihae unni was a lot easier than working with sunsaengnim, and Taeyeon had
found todays session a lot more relaxed than their previous pre-production sessions with
Sunkyus uncle. It wasnt that he wasnt enjoyable to work with, because he was, and the
level of creative control he was allowing them with this album was unbelievable compared to
their last album, but he was still the chairman of a board that wanted to dissolve a group that
meant more to her than air, and it was weird to joke and laugh with him in that context. There
was an unspoken conflict, or perhaps, more accurately, an unspoken utter lack of conflict. He
knew, and he knew that they knew, and they knew that he knew that theywell, the point
was, it was awkward.
Jihae was different. Taeyeon realized that she had begun compartmentalizing people again,
organizing them into listspeople you could trust, people you couldnt. People who were
innocent, people who were against you. Realistically, she knew there wasnt anyone who was
against them, really, and it was just money, wasnt itthere was no malicious intent. But
somehow, that was worse. Somehow, a benevolent fight was a more difficult fight. It was
rational to protest when people wanted to hurt you, but when they were, for all intents and
purposes, trying to make your needs meet their needs, wellthatthat was business, wasnt
it?
At any rate, Jihae was close to their age, and she was female, and she had no invested interest
in whether they were a group or not, which meant she was okay. The fact that she thought
Taeyeon was a decent musician was really just a plus. It was a little after midnight by the
time they finished, with barely one song close to done, but she still felt good. It was a much
slower process than their last album recordings, with a shared meticulousness and
perfectionism, but she still felt good about every single take theyd had that day. That had
never happened before.
If this ended up being the last album they recorded together, Taeyeon thoughtand the
thought was quiet, quick, as though she worried someone could read her mindit would
definitely be their best.
It was a little after midnight when they finished up. Strangely, the ten hours that passed had
felt a million times shorter. Taeyeon felt awake, alert, exhilarated in a way she had never felt
after a recording session that long. She couldnt even imagine sleeping.
Okay, thats it for today. Jihae looked pretty cheerful, which Taeyeon found encouraging.
I know my schedule is terrible right now, and Im really sorry about it, but if you guys
compile your schedules and send them to me or the producer, Ill definitely make a decent
recording schedule happen. Okay?
We can do that, Tiffany agreed.

Unni, do you want to go out, get something to drink? Taeyeon asked with a frown,
watching Jihae gather her things. She hopped up and down until Hyoyeon put a heavy arm
around her shoulders to lock her down. Even then, she bent her knees up and down restlessly.
Rain-check? Jihae reached out to ruffle Taeyeons hair. Definitely another time. You guys
were excellent today, so good you sucked all the energy out of me, she joked. Im going to
get some sleep, dont forget to give me your schedules.
They set about cleaning up once she was gone, but the collective gloominess from earlier
seemed to have mutated into a bizarrely cheery mood of mockery, at least where certain
people were concerned.
Unni, do you want to get something to drink? Yuri imitated.
Taeyeon frowned. Hey.
Unni, Yoona added, her voice high-pitched. Recording music gets me so hot, lets go
back to my place
Wait, first of all, thats not how my voice sounds, Taeyeon protested.
Thats true, Hyoyeon agreed, its completely inaccurate.
And secondly, its not like that at all, I didnt mean the two of us, I meant all of us could
go
All of us, and then the two of you could leave
No, I meant it in a professional way, Taeyeon pouted. Im not
Shouldnt we be discussing our schedules, Tiffany said quietly, folding her arms over her
chest. Taeyeon glanced at her, frowning.
Right, Taeyeon said, taking a seat and reaching for her planner. She uncapped her pen,
feeling uneasy under Tiffanys aloof gaze. Itd be easier if we can make ourselves available
for unni, so we can look at the next week or so, and
Im filming all week, Sooyoung said.
Even on Saturday?
No, not on Saturday, but Yuri

Yeah, I have thatmeeting, Yuri said evasively, pulling her phone out of her pocket to
check her schedule. But I can record some of my parts separately, if I need to, so if the rest
of you are free
How long is the meeting?
I dont know, Yuri replied quickly. And then she laughed nervously. She examined her
nails. Its not a meeting actually, Im going in to record a song.
They were silent for a moment.
Oh, Sooyoung said eloquently.
Solo song? Tiffany prompted.
Yeah, Yuri said slowly and then looked at Taeyeon apologetically. Its just a digital single.
Ill probably just promote it for a month. Either February or March, or
She trailed off uncomfortably. Taeyeon twirled her pen too quickly and it fell into her lap.
She picked it up, nodding absently. You dont have to explain anything to me.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
That sounds cool, Hyoyeon said.
The mood had become awkward. Jessica poked Yuri in the stomach. Thats big news, she
said with tactful deliberation, wrapping her arms around Yuris waist. Since when dont you
share big news with us?
Yuri laughed so nervously that it made Taeyeon feel bad. Since this whole you know, it
feels weird, accepting solo work, even if its just a one-off thing.
Theres nothing to feel bad about.
Yeah, Sunkyu agreed. I dont think thischanges anything. And thats really cool news.
We should be sharing cool news with each other.
They lapsed into silence. Someone cleared their throat. Taeyeon felt her earlier excess in
energy immediately draining out of her. Tiffany caught her eye.

Okay, so we dont have to do it this week, Taeyeon said abruptly, making a note of
Sooyoungs and Yuris schedules, if youre going to be shooting all week, Sooyoung
Sorry.
Dont be sorry. Beginning of week is bad for me, Ill make a note of thatwhat about after
Thursday?
Yoona glanced at Jessica. Jessica looked down guiltily. Taeyeon shifted in her seat.
Okay, Jessicas busy? she asked, trying not to feel impatient.
Thursday and Friday, Jessica said hastily. But Saturday should be okay.
No, because Sunkyu is going to be filming on Saturday, Taeyeon said with a sigh. So
Well, on Thursday its just a meeting.
Who are you meeting with? Tiffany asked her.
UmI think its a lot of different people Jessica said haltingly. Maybe its
Taeyeon was getting tired of this, and she was pretty sure she had figured it out. Youre
meeting with the head of artist development, Taeyeon finished for her. To develop your
image as a soloist. Ive met with him, so has Juhyun.
And me, Tiffany said quietly.
And Fany. Who else is meeting with him at some point?
She didnt need to look at them to knowit was all of them. She rubbed the back of her neck
where it had become tense. Everyone was looking at her guiltily as though they felt they were
betraying her. Betraying the group, maybebut mostly her. That was why it felt weird; all of
their guilt was directed toward her. She closed her planner.
Thats really great, she said quietly, sincerely, and theres nothing wrong with it. The only
thing wrong here is that were keeping secrets from one another.
She thought, at that moment, that it was the perfect time to bring up the contract revision
shed been offered but her tongue felt heavy in her mouth. She swallowed. What if they took
it the wrong way? Just because she had been offered it didnt mean she was considering it,
andanother thought occurred to her. There was no reason to believe she was the only

member who had been offered a contract revision, and their silence about their individual
activities wasnt reassuring.
Youre paranoid, she told herself.
Look, okay, lets get one thing straight. You are all free to pursue solo opportunities. I think
we all encourage it. No one here is going to judge anyone for wanting to establish a solo
career, so theres no need to be secretive about it. Right?
I guess it just seems wrong, Sooyoung pointed out, when we knowI mean, isnt it kind
of playing into their hands? They want to break us apart and promote us as soloists, and were
all willingly going along with it?
Its okay to want both, Taeyeon mumbled. Its not fair of them to break us up if we can do
both. We should probably be proving that we can do both. I mean, do solo stuff all you want,
guys, and if were serious about a summer release date for this album, you definitely have
plenty of time. But if you arent willing to make time to work on it, how are they going to see
the point in keeping us together as a group?
She wasnt sure why she had to be the one to say this. If they all wanted the same things as
her, why did she feel like she was begging them to care?
I dont want to hold you back, she finished softly. I dont think anyone wants that. Im
excited that youre recording a single, Yuri.
Yuris smile was relieved. Thanks.
All right. Her tone was sharper than she had intended. She was eager to end this before she
got annoyed. She stood, grabbing her stuff. Lets stop here, you guys can text me your
schedules and Ill just shove it all at unni and let her decide a recording schedule. Okay?
She didnt lose her temper until she was in the elevator, jabbing at the ground floor button
like it had insulted her.
Hey Tiffany said shortly, shoving her arm between the elevator doors before they could
close. Taeyeon moved aside to make room for her. Tiffany nudged her in the ribs.
Take it easy, she said in a soft murmur. When Taeyeon didnt respond, she nudged her
again, and then again.
Tickles, Taeyeon snapped, slapping her hand away.

Sosmile, Tiffany said, nudging her again.

Ill smile after I kill you, Taeyeon said conversationally, slapping her hand away again.
Okay, Tiffany agreed, now switching to poking at her cheek. Smile. Smile.
No one will hear your cries for help in this elevator, Taeyeon replied.
Theres a security camera, Tiffany pointed out, so youll still go to jail. Smile.
At least I wont have to smile in jailwhat are you doing?
There was a click and a flash. Tiffany lowered her phone and began typing. Texting a
picture of your sad, stupid face to your mother.
Hey
Mom, save me, Tiffany narrated as she typed.
Leave my mother alone.
Smile.
She smiled tightly. Hows that.
Tiffany looked at her silently and then pocketed her phone. Very cute, unfortunately.
The elevator doors opened and she walked briskly past Taeyeon. Watching her go, Taeyeon
took a breath so extended the elevator doors nearly closed on her. She felt a bit lighter,
suddenly, and hurried to catch up with Tiffany.
Do you want to get something to drink? she asked, wincing at the blast of cold air when
they stepped into the parking garage.
Tiffany glanced at her. Wouldnt you rather go drink with Jihae unni, she wondered dryly.
Taeyeon frowned, exasperated. Come on. Not you, too. I expect that from them, not from
you.
Sorry. She seemed to mean it. She looked down at the ground. Do you want to take my
car or yours?

Are we getting a drink?

No, were going home. Youre not drinking anymore, remember?
She remembered. Yours.
They were silent in the car. Tiffany turned the heat on high and it blew out noisily, too loud
for conversation. Taeyeon slouched down in her coat, pulling the sleeves over her hands and
wrapping her arms tightly around herself. When she ventured a glance over at Tiffany she
found her staring blankly at the steering wheel, lost in thought.
Did you forget how to drive? Taeyeon asked her.
Tiffany turned, blinking. Snapped out of it. What?
Taeyeon turned the heat down a little, quieting the car. Are you okay?
Yeah. She sat back in her seat at last, settling her hands atop the steering wheel and
glancing back before she pulled out of the parking spot. Yeah. Yeah, Im okay. Sorry. This
has been a weird day.
Taeyeon frowned. Yeah.
I mean. Tiffany glanced at her awkwardly. Not this morning. That wasnt weird.
It was a little weird, Taeyeon pointed out.
Yeah, but notbad weird. Not that the rest of the day was bad weird. It was more like,
ambivalent weird, and this morning was good weird, and then the rest of the day was like,
unexpected weird, and then disappointed weird, and now its likeweirdin aI dont
know She had pulled over abruptly, barely out of the parking garage to begin with, and
threw the car back into park. Her shoulders were up near her ears and her body was strung
tight.
Taeyeon looked at her, wide-eyed. What
Im sorry, I mean, being alone with you right now, its really weird for me.
Im confiscating the word weird from your vocabulary, Taeyeon muttered, perplexed. I
dont understand, weve been alone together before.
Yeah, but its different when youre like, my best friend, Taeyeon.

Im not your best friend anymore?

Dont play dumb, Tiffany said with a frown. Im not thinking about you in a friend
context right now.
I dont need to play dumb, it comes naturally, Taeyeon replied. She could feel the hair on
her arms standing up beneath the layers of clothes, even though the car had warmed up by
now. I need things explained to me slowly. What kind of context
Stop, Tiffany whined, its weird
Stop saying weird she tried to say but Tiffany had grabbed the collar of her coat and
yanked her over so forcefully she nearly fell into the gear shift. She could barely catch her
breath before Tiffanys lips were pressed hard against hers, so hard their teeth met and
Taeyeon winced. Her palm struck the drivers side window in an effort to keep herself from
collapsing onto Tiffany entirely and it stung and throbbed from the tips of her fingers all the
way to her mouth where Tiffany had seized her.
Tiffany kissed like she was fighting. Taeyeon had never kissed anyone with this much
longing, this much forcefulness; she felt her fingers slipping from their purchase against the
window and was suddenly, dizzily, reminded of the outside world.
WaitTiffany she tried to say, wet and tumbling into Tiffanys mouthsomeone
might see
The windows are tinted, Tiffany said confidently, dismissively, and put her hand behind
Taeyeons neck to press her closer. She was gentler this time, compliant, as though urging
Taeyeon to take control. Which was dangerous, Taeyeon thought, because she was
completely devoid of any sense of control when in Tiffanys presence.
Still, she tried again and felt more than heard Tiffany groan.
Sorry, Tiffany mumbled breathlessly, tightly, sorryyoure justyoure really good at
this. Did you know that? She pulled back and then kissed her again, more restrained. Can I
take credit for that, at least, a little, I mean, I did teach you
If you want, Taeyeon laughed. With difficulty she pulled away, using her hand on the
window as leverage to push herself back into her own seat. She felt strange, but she felt better.
Her annoyance with the rest of the group was dissipatingsort ofand the feeling that had
been twisting in her stomach all day had relaxed, spreading warm through her body.

It was after midnight and the roads werent too crowded. Tiffany maneuvered through the
sparse traffic easily. Taeyeon fiddled with the heat, and then with the music, and then the
door locks until Tiffany slapped her hand away. She didnt pull away, though, her fingers
grazing the back of Taeyeons hand before she took it, pulled it into her own lap and held
them both there against her thigh while she drove.
Tiffanys hands were always cold. Taeyeon looked at them, at the anxious press of Tiffanys
fingers against the back of own hand. She was right. It was weird.
You can tell me, you know, Tiffany said conversationally, eyes on the road, if you dont
want me to work on a solo album.
I want you to do what you want, she replied honestly.
And the rest of the girls?
I want them to do what they want. Just because I dont want it doesnt mean you guys cant.
And why dont you? Her fingers pressed tightly against Taeyeons hand now, as though
afraid she would try to pull away.
I dont know. That was honest, too. She really didnt. Maybe she did want it. Performing
was performing, music was music. There were things she could do solo that she would never
be able to do with the groupshe knew that. There was no fear of failure. She knew she
would be successfulit wasnt arrogance, it was common sense. Still, she didnt quite know
what it was.
She looked at her hand beneath Tiffanys. If she couldnt hold them in one place, hold them
there with her indefinitely, where would they go? Maybe she understood, a little, that fear of
losing someone if you didnt hold on tightly enough.
I want you to do a solo album, she told Tiffany softly. I want all of you toI mean, do
any solo things you want. Really. Do both, orif the group is holding you back, I I dont
want anyone staying with the group because they feel they have to. No one should feel
obligated to stay
Stop it. Tiffany kept her eyes on the road. A muscle in her jaw tensed.
Im just saying
Well, stop.

Taeyeon sighed, turned to look out the window. Tiffany held fast to her hand; her fingers
were cold but hot air was trapped between their hands. Taeyeon watched the streetlights blink
past.
Taeyeon, listen to me, Tiffany said. Look, if it happens, it happens. But if you let it
happen without a fight, you know youre going to regret it forever. I know you, TaeTae.
Taeyeon didnt want to look at her. Its not just me, though, Tiffany, itseveryone. I mean,
all of us. I cant be the only one fighting. Whats the point, then?
Tiffany didnt seem to know what to say to that. The back of Taeyeons throat burned. It had
been a very long day.
The car was silent, sick with silence. They drove under a highway overpass and the lights on
the dash were bright enough to burn, set fire to the blanket of darkness that covered them
briefly. In the dark, Tiffanys hand relaxed and slipped from hers and Taeyeon flexed her
fingers, waiting for the blood to circulate again.
A very long day, a very weird day.

chapter eighteen
(2010)

Lately, Tiffany has a glow about her. Everyone has noticed. Her smiles are brighter than
Taeyeon had ever thought possible. Shes late coming home, often now, and spends a lot of
her time on her phone.

All signs point to her having a boyfriend, and Taeyeon suspects everyone in the group has
been told but her.

Shes willing to admit this is at least partially her faulttheyre leaving her out a lot, she
feels, and it hurts her a little, but shed be lying if she said she wasnt somewhat responsible
for pushing them away. Its what she wanted, she tells herself, this whole time. It was insane
to rely on them, and it was insane for them to rely on her. There was no way the group would
last forever, and when it ended, wouldnt she be sorry for wasting her feelings? Eventually it
would all amount to a waste.

There is an ache in her chest when she looks at them, and she knows its because she loves
them, but there is nothing that can be done about that. There is freedom onstage, under the
lights, when her only responsibility is her voice. Its different offstage. Its like being boxed
in. Its unexpected, that where she is least on display, she feels it the most.

Whats his name? she asks Sunkyu casually one day. Theyre alone in the dorm on a rare
day off and Taeyeon has found half a carton of ice cream in the back of the freezer. Shed
scraped away the freezer burn and used her spoon like a pickaxe to break it up.

Sunkyu glances at her out of the side of her eyes. Whose name?

Taeyeon digs a spoon into her ice cream. The guy Miyoung is dating.

Sunkyu sighs and sits on top of the kitchen counter. Im not telling you.

Why not? she demands.

Because she should tell you.

She wont.

Sunkyu shrugs.

Do I know him?

A nod.

Is he an idol?

Another one.

Is he good-looking?

Sunkyu rolls her eyes. Obviously, hes an idol, Taeyeon.

Is he

Stop asking me and ask her.

Youre a bad friend, Taeyeon says, feeling petulant.

Sunkyu ruffles her hair. Im the best friend.

Taeyeon ignores her. She tells me she wants us to go back to how we were before, but then
she refuses to tell me things. I dont think thats fair.

Do you really want to hear about her dating someone? Sunkyu looks at her skeptically.
Taeyeon shrugs stiffly. There is a perverse, masochistic part of her that would love it. Shed

like to see them together. It would tear the hole in her chest fresh open. It would hurt, and
maybe it would help.

I want, she says, casually, honestly, to not feel like this anymore. Because its selfish.

Sunkyu looks at her softly. Taeyeon wishes people would stop looking at her that way. Its
not selfish. You cant control how you feel.

Taeyeon shakes her head. Its the worst kind of selfishness, because I cant turn it off. I want
her for myself, because its what I want. Because I love her. This guy could make her happier
than shes ever been and Ill still want her for myself. I mean, its a really ugly thing. Shes
rambling now. I mean, thiswhatever this isunrequited love. Maybe it looks romantic on
paper, and it sounds pretty in songs, but in reality, its just wanting something you cant have
and not caring about the consequences. Doesnt she seem happy? I mean, shes really happy
lately.

She is, Sunkyu admits, and her lips come together in a thin, worried line.

She is, Taeyeon tells herself. If I really loved her, wouldnt that be enough? That shes
happy? But its not enough.

You deserve to be happy, too, Taengoo.

Im trying. She looks down at her feet and then meets Sunkyus eyes again. She is struck,
suddenly, with how badly she needs the girl standing next to her. Its a similar kind of need.
Theres selfishness in her love for the group, too, she thinks. Im trying.

Theres a writer unni at the radio show who always leans close when she hands Taeyeon
things, makes lots of eye contact while explaining, blushes when Taeyeon smiles at her.
Taeyeon thinks of herself back in high school, how uncomfortable she was in her own skin,

how filled with disbelief she was when people liked her, or confessed. It seems so long ago,
especially now; its easy to recognize when someone is attracted to her, and she supposes this
is the sort of sixth sense idols develop, because its part of her job to be attractive, and its
part of her job to make people fall in love with her. It had never occurred to her that this
would be a particularly useful skill offstage.

She makes love to her in her small, cramped apartment, where the bed is inches from the
kitchen, in a part of the city shes never visited. It makes her feel weird, like idol life has left
her sheltered, although the dorm she and Tiffany lived in before debuting was hardly
luxurious. It just feels weird, being there, and realizing how little she knows about the girl
shes pressed against, except for the brief, polite exchanges of conversations theyve had at
work. Seeing her from this angle, in the heavy darkness, in the smallness of her apartment, is
like walking in on someone changing, seeing them in a private moment you werent meant to
see. It elicits a hosts of questions that fill the back of her throathow long have you lived
here, does the radio show really not pay that well, do you have any other jobs, where did you
go to school, do you like radio or is it just what you do to make money, are you a writer just
trying to get your foot in the door

She swallows them. She shivers, feels thighs tighten around her hips, tastes the salt on her
skin at the base of her throat, and when she comes up for air she can only think of Tiffany, of
Tiffanys hair, Tiffanys eyes, Tiffanys mouth. Tiffanys hands, the line from Tiffanys wrist
to her elbow. Tiffany the trick of the light, Tiffany the optical illusion, Tiffany the illness she
breathed in one day and has been unable to unstick from her insides.

Have to go, she says quietly, rising from the bed. She feels a hand wrap around her wrist. I
have work, she explains hastily. She dresses in the dark. The room seems cold now. She
bumps into a table on her way around the bed. In a fit of guilt she sits down on the bed, kisses
her.

I really like you, she says quietly. I dont want you to think this can be more, though,
because it cant.

Because of your career.

Noyes. And no. She looks down at the floor. Ill just end up hurting you, she tells the
dark, still air. Thats what I do. I try to be enough, and then Im not. If I dated you,
somewhere along the way youd realize.

It makes her feel better, and it makes her feel worse, and she starts to think at this stage in the
game, if she can have a little bit of the former, more of the latter is a worthy sacrifice. Its
surprisingly easy and had never really occurred to her. Being in love with the same person for
the better part of her teenage and young adult years had sort of closed her eyes to the pulsing,
surrounding world; the idea of attracting people had never resonated with her, and now its all
she can think about. There are pretty people everywhere, some even more objectively pretty
than the one she wants, and if she can make them want her, she reasons, then it isnt her fault.
Theres a small amount of ego in it, but she tells herself ego is really the only thing she has.

There are starstruck fans, and theyre easy, and they listen to everything she says and stay
quiet obediently and if she saddles them with complexes she cant feel terribly guilty because
she has complexes too, and confusion is an entry point. There are people who arent fans at
all, who know who she is and are hardly impressed with her as more than just a pretty face
which she admits is all she really is, at the end of the dayand they stay quiet because their
priorities are the same.

Thats freakishly methodical, Sunkyu tells her when she explains the system but Taeyeon
thinks thats better than going about it with no method at all.

But its your life, Sunkyu goes on, and if it makes you feel better

She blanches, somewhat, because she isnt sure that it really is making her feel better, so
much that its making her not think about it as much. It relieves the tension and appears to be
a win-win sort of symbiotic relationship, because they want her, and she wants to forget. It is
nice, really, the feeling of being wanted. She isnt defective or anything, she thinks. Shes a
bit of a mess, but people want her, even if Tiffany doesnt want her, and messes can be
cleaned up.

She puts her hands in her pockets, looks around. Tiffany is getting her makeup done. Theyre
getting a little better, she and Tiffany, and sometimes they even have conversations,
conversations that trail off into nothing, but conversations nonetheless. Taeyeon has begun
counting the amount of words they exchange to one another per week and when one week it

peaks into triple digits, she thinks maybe theyll be okay. Maybe. Maybe Tiffany will go and
marry that stupid guy, maybe hell disappear mysteriously and theyll find his body floating
in a river, maybe, maybe, there are so many possibilities.

Taeyeon frowns deeply. Sunkyu pinches her at the nape of her neck, as though she can hear
what shes thinking. Taeyeon winces.

Whos that? she asks, nodding in their direction.

Tiffany.

No, I mean, whos doing her makeup?

The makeup artist?

Ive never seen her before. Shes pretty.

Sunkyu laughs, shoving Taeyeon. I dont think shes into girls, Taeyeon.

Taeyeon shrugs. A lot of girls arent, until they meet me. It isnt arrogance; maybe its
bravado. After all, they both know that if it were really true, she wouldnt be in the position
shes in, would she. She looks at Tiffany and swallows hard. Tiffany meets her eyes and
starts to smile, but its the way it drops off at the end, like they cant even exchange that
muchTaeyeon looks at the floor and changes her mind about the girl doing Tiffanys
makeup.

The dead cold of winter, at five in the morning, is like an empty room where her footsteps
echo. There are these group of fans in the parking garage where she tries to enter from. They
crowd around the elevator; more of them come, then, from behind her and from all sides.

They had been following, but she hadnt seen them. The danger of traveling without
managers, even if it was a necessity sometimes.

Go home, she tells them, trying to keep her distance. She had thought the entrance through
the parking garage was the most discreet, but now it makes sense to loop around to the front.

They dont answer her, so she says it again.

Go home. I dont like seeing you. Im sick of it.

One of them is holding their phone up, taking video. Taeyeon can tell from the red light. She
forces herself not to snatch it out of her hands. Some slouch on the floor, leaning against the
wall; they smoke and play games, they eat snacks and drinks and leave the garbage behind.
They vandalize the walls. They post stupid messages on their stupid websites, with
timestamps and pictures and names and addresses and phone numbers and when she meets
their eyes they look through her, like fire eating through her skin and bones.

I dont like you, she says evenly, feeling itchy under her skin; she isnt sure why shes
speaking at all, except that she hasnt slept in over twenty-four hours and she is tired of
sneaking around and tired of being watched. I dont like seeing you. I cant stand seeing you.
Go home.

Some of them are kids. Some of them are older than she is. They dont scare her, really, not
too much; the older men did, but they dont really follow anymore like the kids do. She feels
constricted, tied to them. They know everything about her, and if she does anything to make
them stop loving her, they can destroy her career. They have evidence, theyve taken pictures,
theyve taken videos, they know.

Jessica says they wont. Jessica says thats all it is, that they want to feel close to you, and
keeping your secrets, holding them inside, makes them feel that way. But Taeyeon doesnt
want that, and its insulting to call it love. Its ownership. Its wanting something you cant
have, knowing you cant have it, and still wanting to keep it in one place, keep it for yourself.

She feels like crying, and spins on her heel, hurrying out of the parking garage to enter from
the front.

The dorm is quiet, and dark, and she neatens up a little on her way toward her bedroom.

Taeyeon?

Taeyeon yelps. Tiffany turns on the light. Shes on the couch.

You scared me, Taeyeon says. What are you doing out here?

I fell asleep, Tiffany explains, trying to sit up. Taeyeon moves to help her. By the time I
woke up no one was around to help me into my room.

Where are your crutches?

Tiffany makes a vague, disinterested gesture. Taeyeon clicks her tongue impatiently.

Please be more careful, and thoughtful, she says quietly. If your knee doesnt heal
properly, what will you do?

Tiffany shrugs, looking at her lap.

Taeyeon grows frustrated. Im serious. Think about your future. If you dont take care of
yourself, youre shortening your career. Its one thing after another with you. You have to be
careful. Dont you care?

Tiffany snorts. Wow, you havent lectured me in awhile.

Taeyeon looks at her, startled. She shakes her head and frowns. I just worry about you.

She tries to ease up a little. She knows Tiffany. As much as shes felt, over the past two years,
that shes lost her, she knows her. She has more drive than anyone she knows, and she isnt a
quitter. Taeyeon knew she was beating herself up for her injury.

The silence becomes awkward. Her hip presses against Tiffanys thigh; shes radiating
warmth. Taeyeon closes her eyes, bites her lip.

Do you want me to help you into your room? she asks, finally.

Tiffany shakes her head.

Are you sure? Is it comfortable out here?

Its fine.

Okay. She rises. Tiffany grabs her hand. Its soft, cold.

Stay with me, Tiffany says, quiet.

Okay. Obedient. No matter whats happened to them, when Tiffany wants something,
Taeyeon gives it. They sit in silence.

I miss you, Tiffany says, finally.

Taeyeon can only look at her. How is she meant to respond? Whats the proper response? Is
there one? I miss you too is an understatement; there are no words strong enough to describe
the ache inside her. She just nods. Tiffany sighs, as though rebuffed, but Taeyeon thinks that
if she doesnt get that the feeling is mutual, she hasnt been paying attention.

Where were you?

Taeyeon shrugs. Out.

Where?

Out.

Were you with someone?

Taeyeon looks at her, impassive. If Tiffany thinks shell talk about this with her, of all people,
her fall had messed up more than her knee.

Tiffany sighs.

You need to think about the future, too, is all shell say.

Ill think about it, Taeyeon says flippantly, and stands. We have to leave for rehearsals in
two hours, Im going to try and get in a little sleep before. She looks away, putting her hands
in her pockets. If you need anything, text oryell real loudor whatever.

We, Tiffany repeats quietly. You mean the eight of you.

Taeyeon looks at the floor. Yeah, the eight of us. Well keep you updated.

She hears Tiffany exhale and shift on the couch. When she risks a glance at her again, her
eyes are on the ceiling. Her face has that look it gets right before she cries. Taeyeon hates it,
so she looks away.

Go. Sleep, Tiffany says, and Taeyeon takes the hint and leaves.

What do you think of me?

Her heart is beating fast. Lately, this is the question at the very front of her brain; all thoughts
pass through it. What do you think of me. It isnt an idle, egocentric thoughtits a frantic,
indignant demandwhat do they think of me, what do they think Im doing, what do they
think Ill do, what do they think Ive done. Maybe its paranoia, or narcissism. Maybe shes
twenty-one years old and so indescribably and unspeakably famous that she wonders if shes
been rendered useless. At twenty-one years old, does she have anything left to give?

I like you, the girl says. There are hands, insistent, at the button of her jeans. She pushes
them away.

But why?

Eyes widen in confusion, as though she believes shes being tested. Was this part of the
debuting process, did senior singers routinely interrogate their juniors on their own self-worth?

I admire you. Youre talented, she says simply, and youre pretty.

Well, youre eighteen years old, Taeyeon thinks, so what do you knowthats no reason to
like someone. Whats being talented when hundreds of idols are talented, and whats being
pretty when hundreds of idols are pretty. That doesnt say anything about longevity

But what do you care about longevity, she argues, closing her eyes, if you cared about
longevity you wouldnt have become an idol, right

Sorry, she says, soft. Somehow, its painful. She swallows hard, kisses the mouth beneath
hers urgently. Sorry. She kisses her again. I think youll do really wellI think youll be
really famous. In three years, youll look back and wonder what you did to deserve it all.
She exhales; her mouth is wet. Believe me.

Theres no response. She isnt listening. A hand slips past the waistband of her shorts.
Taeyeon breathes her in, feels the storm pass over her.

There is a point, somewhere in time, and she doesnt see it coming, but suddenly she cannot
stop crying. They arent sad tears, but they arent happy tears. Theyre that place in between,
where exhaustion and weariness lie. The idea of being rewarded for hard work feels odd to
her, like an itchy sweater she wants to climb out of. Its a hollow victory, somehow, and even
when she looks at the audience, at their blurred faces like twinkling lights, at the members, at
the past yearat the past three yearsit all feels hollow.

She realizes why she always feels pressed underwater, and its because she is separately and
collectively in love with eight people and it has worn her down. The consequence of trying
not to care is caring too much, and they havent just gotten under her skin, theyve gotten
deep into her heart where she keeps private and safe, and every wall shes erected they
senselessly demolish without care. It exhausts her and humbles her and terrifies her, and yet
theres security. Its safe, there, with them, in the circle of their arms, and she cries harder
because it doesnt make any sense if it isnt all of them, if her best friend isnt there, if theres
a missing piece, if they arent complete.

She pulls out her phone backstage and checks her messages, and the mass-text from Tiffany
makes every part of her feel like shes falling apart. It hangs in the air, bittersweet, and they
all feel it, the want to have her there, but Taeyeon feels pulled apart by it.

She thinks of the girl she fell in love with years ago, the girl who held her and admitted she
was scared, the girl who was vulnerable for all of ten seconds, just long enough to swear and
promise and tie them together forever and she thinks maybe its codependence or maybe its
just loyalty, but maybe its okay for people to need other people.

They party into the early hours of the morning and when it winds down, Jessica offers to help
Tiffany to her room, but Taeyeon says, Ill help her, and thats that, and then theyre alone,
and shes terrible at thisat feelings and emotions and knowing what to say, and so finally,
when Tiffany looks at her, looks at her long and hard, she just says, I miss you, too as
though picking up where they left off.

And when Tiffany just sort of looks at her, brows furrowed in confusion, she pulls her into
her arms and squeezes her, closes her eyes. I know I messed everything up, she mumbles
into Tiffanys hair. But youre my best friend, and I need you. Ill always need you.

Thats the exact second, she realizes later, that she knows she will need to do this forever.

present
(2016)

So, whats her name? Sunkyu asked, setting down two cups of coffee on the cafe table. The
coffee shop was surprisingly empty for mid-afternoon. Taeyeon closed the game she was
playing and pocketed her phone.

Huh? She watched Sunkyus hands expertly add the right amount of milk and sugar to her
coffee. This was their routine. It wasnt that she was incapable of preparing her own coffee,
she just liked to wait and see if Sunkyu would do it for her. She always did. It came with a
weird sense of warmth. It was nice to have someone know you that well. A long time ago she
had told Sunkyu, stubbornly, that she hated being taken care of, and Sunkyus only response
had been to teach her to like it.

The girl youre dating. Whats her name?

Taeyeon sipped her coffee thoughtfully. Im not dating anyone.

Sunkyu rolled her eyes. I know, you dont do relationships or whatever but youre obviously
seeing someone. Why else would you be so happy lately?

Because were working on the album?

Bull. Come on. I havent seen you this happy in forever. Is it Hyejin?

Taeyeon frowned. No. I havent seen her for a few weeks.

Sunkyu looked at her expectantly. Taeyeon tipped her coffee cup from side to side, watching
the coffee dance up to the edge and then slosh backwards. She wrapped both her hands
around it, feeling the heat solid in her palms.

Her silence didnt seem to make Sunkyu happy. A rolled up paper napkin was tossed at her
head.

Does Stephanie know? Sunkyu asked, not giving up. Taeyeon swallowed hard. She must
like her, because shes been in a pretty good mood lately, too. You know how protective she
is of you.

Taeyeon burned her tongue on an extra large mouthful of coffee. She looked down at the
table. It wasnt often that she and Sunkyu kept secrets from each other. But this wasnt like
most things. Hers and Tiffanys reluctance to put a label on whatever they had become had
made it difficult to talk about with each other, let alone anyone else. It wasnt that they were
consciously keeping it from everyone else, Taeyeon reasoned, or she thought it wasnt.

She fiddled with her fingers. If I tell you something, do you promise not to well, first,
freak out, and second, tell anyone, and third, be judgmental, and fourth

So many rules. What is it? Who is it?

Tiffany.

Sunkyu looked at her with a steady, level gaze and then stirred her coffee for a long, quiet
moment.

Tiffany, huh.

Yeah.

Our Tiffany? Miyoung? Our Miyoung?

Yeah. That one.

Sunkyu set her spoon down on a napkin. Taengoo.

I know, Taeyeon sighed, rubbing her forehead. I know.

How long has this been going on?

About a month now?

Sunkyu reached across the table to smack her in the head. And you didnt tell me?

I didnt know what to say! I still dont know what to say. I mean, this is

Are you guys, likedatingor

No, were pretty much exactly the same, Taeyeon said thoughtfully. Except instead of
fighting all the time, we make out.

Oh, Sunkyu said eloquently.

Yeah.

Sunkyu exhaled across the surface of her coffee. This is weird.

Yeah. It is.

But you seem happy.

Yeah. I am.

She was. She thought. She was a poor gauge of happiness, but she thought that it was
probably what this feeling was. It was distracting at least. Her worry over the groups future
was intense enough to give her stomachaches, but every time she stopped to think about it,
she just thought about Tiffany instead.

Youre the first person to know, though, she told Sunkyu quietly. I dont know if I should
have said anything, butwell

Is it supposed to be a secret?

I dont know.

What do you mean you dont know?

I mean, we havent talked about what it is.

Sunkyu looked conflicted. But youre happy?

I am.

Then, okay.

What do you mean? Dont say it like that.

Like what?

Like theres more to it. I told you not to be judgmental.

And thats why Im not saying anything.

Sunkyu.

Sunkyu shook her head, glancing out the window beside the table. She ran her finger along
the rim of her coffee cup.

Nothing, she said finally. Look, I love Fany. So much. Shes my baby. But if shes
playing with you, Im going to kill her.

Taeyeon nodded calmly. It would be a lie to say she hadnt considered itactually, it would
be a lie to say it hadnt completely possessed most of her waking thoughts.

Tiffany wouldnt she started to say, but Sunkyu cut her off.

I know she wouldntconsciouslyI mean. Look, you and I both know that Fany doesnt
have a mean or insensitive bone in her body. And its you, I mean, I think shed cut off her
own arm before ever doing anything to hurt you. On purpose. I mean, I dont think shed play
with your feelings on purpose.

Taeyeon frowned. Then why do you sound so skeptical?

Just, why now? She blew on the surface of her coffee again. Taeyeon thought it must have
certainly been cool enough to drink by now and in an effort to distract herself she started
counting the seconds until Sunkyu finally took her first sip. I mean, shes known how you
feel about her for a really, really long time now. If shes felt the same all this time, I am going
to rip her hair out for making you suffer for so long.

Taeyeon watched her carefully as she lifted the coffee cup to her lips and then set it down to
add more sugar.

I dont know, she admitted. Im not a mind-reader.

You could ask.

What am I supposed to say? Hey remember that time I pined after you pathetically for over
ten years and you led me to believe I had no chance with you whatsoever? What was that all
about?

Maybe leave out the word pathetically, Sunkyu suggested, blowing on her coffee again.

Will you please just drink that, youre driving me crazy.

Sunkyu drank, obediently. Taeyeon checked her phone. No texts.

I just want you to be happy, Sunkyu said, the old saying. She wondered if they even
realized they were saying it at this point, or if it was reflex, the way you said hello or thank
you. She wondered why they told her it at all, constantly. Like she wasnt aware that was
what they wanted.

Well, I think I am, Taeyeon said.

Then, Im happy, too. She drank her coffee. Taeyeon drank hers. But if she hurts you, I
swear, I will rip all of her hair out.

Wow, thats sexy. Maybe you guys could mud wrestle.

Im going to let that slide because youre happy and youre cute when youre happy.

Im always cute. Did you see that article online? Someone let it leak that were working on
an album.

Yeah, did you read the comments?

I never read the comments, Taeyeon said with a scowl, even though it was a lie.

Wow, I didnt know they were still together.

Are you surprised that there are stupid people on the internet? Taeyeon asked dryly,
draining the last of her coffee. Clearly theyre not a fan.

Also a lot of I was expecting Taengoos solo album instead comments.

Taeyeon made a noncommittal sound. Well.

What are you so afraid of? Sunkyu asked her suddenly, and Taeyeon met her eyes.

Im not afraid.

Yes, you are.

No, Im

Are you going to pretend you know yourself better than I do? I am the master of knowing
you, Taengoo. Youre terrified.

Taeyeon dabbed gently at the formica table where shed spilled her coffee. It really wasnt
fear, she wanted to explain, although every time she thought about it lately, her blood ran
cold. She tried to think of a way to explain it.

Ive never told anyone this before, but uh, when they put me in that training group with all
those other girls, I was pissed. I really didnt want to be in a group at all, let alone one so
huge. I wanted to be a soloist. It wasnt even about ego or anything, she tried to explain,
its just what I had pictured for myself. So all those times, in the beginning, when I said I
wanted the group to be forever, I was lying. I was just saying it because it seemed the right
thing to say.

I doubt youre the only one who felt that way, Sunkyu pointed out.

But I still remember the precise second when I realized I didnt want that anymore, she said,
remembering how hard she had cried, and how empty she had felt when she had realized the
victory was incomplete. The thing is, this is a really, really terrible business, you know? I
mean, Ive watched it literally destroy people, and every time that happens I think, wow, that
could have been me. Or you. It could have been any of us. And the only way I knew how to
not let that happen was to make myself depend on other people.

Sunkyu smiled, a little. Thats all we wanted from you anyway. For you to depend on us.

But its all or nothing, you know? I cant turn it off. I cant teach myself to depend on you
and then suddenly decide I dont need you guys. When I made that decision, I really couldnt
turn back. Maybe its not like that for everyone, but thats how it is for me. I made myself
weak, for you guys.

I get what youre saying, Sunkyu said gently, but I want to remind you that were not kids
anymore, weve been doing this a long time, and nothing has to change, anyway. Just because
you go solo doesnt mean were not here for you. You went to every single one of Juhyuns
performances when she promoted her single, and you know why that is.

Because I dont really have much of a life, Taeyeon pointed out.

Because you wanted her to know shes not alone. And I mean, look at who were talking
about. Juhyun is the most independent person in the world. She wouldnt have asked for that,
but you did it anyway.

Taeyeon nodded, playing with her empty coffee cup.

Its okay for people to need other people, Sunkyu told her. But you have to find a middle
ground, you know?

Taeyeons phone vibrated on the table and she picked it up, checking her texts.

Come keep me company, please~ Filming is the most boring thing in the world.

Sunkyu looked at her over the rim of her coffee cup. Is that Miyoung?

Taeyeons thumb hovered haltingly over the reply button. Yeah, uh

Is she summoning you? Sunkyu asked with a tone of amusement.

Well, not reallydo you want to come? Shes filming someplace in Gwangjin.

No, you go.

Taeyeon frowned. No, come.

Why, you dont want to be alone with her? She asked for you, didnt she?

Taeyeon found it difficult to read her tone. I guess.

Im serious. Tell her you'll be there.

Taeyeon had already typed the reply. Sunkyu

And tell her I said hi.

Taeyeon stood up, reaching for her wallet to pay for their coffees. Thanks, she said, smiling.

Sunkyu looked puzzled. What are you thanking me for? Its not like you need my
permission to go see her.

Taeyeon bit her lip. Nojustthanks. For not making me feel like an idiot.

Sunkyu shrugged. Im the best friend, she told Taeyeon and Taeyeon found she could do
nothing but agree.

chapter nineteen

How long did you film? Taeyeon asked, getting Tiffanys coat for her. She handed it over,
watching the shows production director out of the corner of her eye. One of their managers
was talking animatedly with him. Tiffany pulled her coat on.

Eight hours, Tiffany sighed, looking at her phone.

You left early.

Yeah, sorry, I know we were going to have breakfast.

No big deal. Oppa, you can go home, I have my car.

Jooyoung scratched the back of his head as he joined them. Are you okay with that, Fany?
Do you want to leave with this hooligan?

No, save me from her.

Im very trustworthy, Taeyeon protested.

Its true, Jooyoung agreed, it only took you thirty-six tries before you got your drivers
license.

Practice makes perfect.

I have to thank the rest of the staff, Tiffany told them, leaving to do just that. Taeyeon
settled against the wall; this would be awhile, Tiffany was a lot more thorough than she was
with this sort of thing. Genuinely liking people probably helped a lot.

Did you eat? Jooyoung asked kindly, leaning against the wall next to her. Taeyeon nodded.
Good. Uheverything going okay with the contract?

Taeyeon looked at her hands. Why are you asking?

As an oppa, Jooyoung said. He looked straight ahead, frowning. Not an employee or

anything, just as a close oppa.

My lawyers still working on a revision, Taeyeon said quietly, glancing around to be sure
they were more or less alone. So I guess we'll see.

Have you told the other kids about it? Jooyoung asked.

No, Taeyeon said honestly. Itsan unnecessary stress. Who knows if Ill sign it.

Jooyoung nodded, looking at his shoes. I guess that makes sense.

Taeyeon looked down as well, pulling at a loose thread in her sweater. Even from far away
she could see the blush in Tiffanys cheeks as she thanked and sent off each individual staff

member. Her body felt tense. It had felt that way for weeks now; every lull in conversation
felt like a missed opportunity to confess about the contract. She knew she hadnt done
anything wrong, but she also knew that the longer she kept quiet about it, the more dangerous
it became.

Her fathers lawyer had mentioned that discussing it with the girls really wouldnt do any
good until they had worked out something that better matched their needs, which helped a
little, but guilt was a powerful demoralizer anyway. I dont know what they told you, hed
said over the phone, but this isnt like the previous renewals, its a completely new contract.

I figured, Taeyeon had said, her voice low. She had ignored a few of his calls already
because it was hard to find a time when she was truly alone. Even then, Tiffany had been
only one room over, in the bathroom. Her ears had remained attentive for the sound of her
shower shutting off. Im not that stupid.

If youre going solo, the agency interprets this as you being a new artist theyre signing on,
so they drafted a brand new contract, he had explained. Taeyeon had suddenly wished she
had thought to meet him in person. This was dumb. It wasnt even the worry that Tiffany
would overhear, it was the guilt of discussing something this condemning in their shared
home. Thats what this is, its similar to the first contract you and the girls signed, but of
course the provisions are different because they consider you a new artist. And as far as new
artist contracts go, its pretty light on restrictions, I guess because they trust you and youve
got leverage.

Taeyeon had bit her tongue. Shed wanted to protest that she had no plans to go solo and that
the contract was an attempt to blindside her, but she had thought it might be better to listen.
The agency knew she wasnt stupid. They knew she would have a lawyer comb through it;
they knew a lawyer would explain it to her. They must have felt that she would feel
compelled to signbut why?

Theres some good stuff in here, Taeyeon. The amount of creative control you would get is
unheard of. I mean, its heard of, but at that label? There are some really good controlled
composition rates, and giving you full ownership of your own music is huge. That means if
you wanted to leave, theres nothing they could do with your music.

Right. But there has to be some restrictions.

Of course. The biggest control they seem to want to exert is who you work with. If I were to
explain it simply, theres a lot of creative control on your part, but every producer or
composer or engineer you work with is going to be pretty closely monitored by them. Thats
nothing new, thoughthats in your old contract.

Right. But. Would control over who I work with also apply to the other girls?

Yeah. Being marketed as a solo artist means youd really need permission to do anything
with them. I mean, I dont know how much theyd exercise that. They need the option to
monitor who you work with so that you dont sign some crazy producer onboard or anything
like that. Thats standard. But if youre reasonable, they probably wont feel the need to exert
it. It just saves their asses.

Taeyeon thought about what he had said. That had been a week ago; when hed asked her if
she wanted him to submit a revision that more closely matched what she was hoping for,
shed said yesmostly to buy time, she thought, and as a test. If she could negotiate a
contract that worked for her, maybe the rest of them could, too.

As she looked at Jooyoungs drawn face, set in concern, his eyes on the floor, she wondered
if that was going to be possible. She watched Tiffany chatting excitedly with one of the
writers. She thought about being eighteen years old and learning that the industry shed
carelessly flung herself into was more complicated than she could stand to comprehend, and
thinking that maybe it would get easier, more straightforward the older and smarter you got,
but it suddenly seemed to her that it was the other way around.

Oppa, she started, and then stopped. She was scared. If you thought if you thought that
something wasnt going to be good for us, would you say so?

Yeah.

Really, though? Would you?

Jooyoung shrugged, smiling. Should I try convincing you? I think sometimes your cynicism
makes you smarter than most people, but a lot of times I think it makes you blind. Did you
know that Taengoo? I think I care about you kids like youre my own family members. I want
the best for you, all of you.

What do you think that is?

What?

The best for uswhat is it?

He shrugged again. As long as youre happy and healthy, its the right choice, right?

But do you think the rest of the agency wants the best for us?

No. I think youre talking about business, and business is something that only ever wants the
best for itself. When your needs and businesss needs match, thats when things are good.
When they dontthen maybe its time to go separate ways.

He did know, Taeyeon realized.

So what do you think? she asked him. They both watched Tiffany.

He thought about it for a long time. He looked around. We didnt have this conversation,
Taengoo. Okay?

Okay.

Theyre going to use your loyalty against you. Not just your loyalty toward the girlsbut
your loyalty toward the company. Theyre going to say, weve raised you since you were a

teenager. We turned a messy country kid into one of the nations most adored voices. We
protected you. We stamped down every scandal, guarded you from criticism. We took care of
you like you were our daughter. Theyll lie to youtheyll use people, and the feelings
attached to those people, against you. From top-tier executives to producers to part-time staff.
Theyll use mewhat would Jooyoung say? Would you abandon Jooyoung?

Tiffany was coming back. He wet his lips and turned, standing in front of her and blocking
her from Tiffany, covering her in shadow. His eyes were intense, sad.

Dont listen to them. No matter what they say, go with what you know. You know who the
people are that care about you. You know what we want. You know we just want your
happiness. All of you. Just remember, you know better than they know. And you know.

Oppa, dont hover over her like that, Tiffany chided as she came up to them. If someone
took a picture from this angle, thered be a scandal.

Good point, Jooyoung said with a cheerful smile, moving away. Like I need more trouble
with my wife. Are you sure you dont need me to drive you, Tiffany?

Im sure, Tiffany said, linking arms with Taeyeon. I trust Taeyeon.

That makes one of us, Taeyeon joked as they headed out of the building. See you, oppa.

Tuscany would have been so much better, Tiffany complained, looking at the water.

Taeyeon laid another piece down. It was pretty but there was too much of the same color.

Still, this is a kids puzzle, Tiffany pointed out, watching Taeyeon sift through the puzzle
pieces so she could continue constructing the trunk of the tree.

A kid couldnt do this, Taeyeon protested. We should push the couch back a little, this is
going to take up most of the floor over here.

Tiffany eyed her. Looks like a kid's doing it now.

Taeyeon narrowed her eyes at her, settling both her arms atop her knees as she crouched on
the floor next to the five-thousand piece puzzle. Okay, she said finally.

Aw, Tiffany said, pouting, are you hurt?

No, Taeyeon said sadly.

Tiffany crawled toward her, and then crouched as well, their knees touching.

It is a kids puzzle, though, she pointed out. You know you only chose it because of the
pandas.

I like pandas, Taeyeon explained.

I like you, Tiffany said and then nudged her with one of her knees. Taeyeon put a hand on
the floor to stop herself from falling over and then scratched her nose, looking down at the
puzzle.

Do you want to order something to eat, orI could make somethingbut we dont really
have anything in the fridgeI could make rice we could order something

She trailed off, uncomfortable with the way Tiffany was looking at her. She had been looked
at that way before; she had looked at people that way before. She had looked at the person in
front of her that way before. To be on the other end of a look she knew so well was
disconcerting, close to an out-of-body experience.

Are you hungry she attempted searchingly, looking at Tiffany with a cautious
expression.

Tiffany nodded absently, not taking her eyes off of Taeyeon. Yeah.

We could go out, Taeyeon suggested.

I dont want to go out.

We could get something delivered.

You could stop talking about food and just say whatever it is you want to say. She settled
her fingertips on top of Taeyeon's forearm, touching the vein in her wrist.

Taeyeon pursed her lips. There were a million things she wanted to say; a good handful of
them were things she really should say and yet couldnt bring herself to.

Its nothing.

Its not nothing.

Taeyeon frowned. Dont get mad, she said carefully, but I kind oftold Sunkyuabout
this.

Tiffany gave a wry smile. About the puzzle? she joked lightly.

Taeyeon didnt take the bait. It is a bit of a puzzle, isnt it.

What?

You and me.

Ah. Tiffany folded her arms neatly across her knees. I guess so.

Her pensive expression worried Taeyeon, somehow; she wasnt sure what she wanted from
this conversation. She wasnt sure what she wanted from Tiffany, really, which was weird
considering she had thought she had wanted the same thing for years and years. And she still
did, butit was different now. Because she had what she wanted, and she didnt. She had
Tiffany, and she didnt have her at all. Maybe that was why they hadnt talked about it
maybe it hadnt just been Tiffanys reluctance to label them, but her own reluctance too.
Without labeling it, it was whatever she wanted it to be, and that was somehow safer.

She glanced back down to the puzzle and began sifting through the pieces again. Youre not
mad, are you?

She didnt dare look up and so only heard Tiffany shift and cluck her tongue, saw her hand a
moment later as it joined hers in the pile of puzzle pieces.

Why would I be mad? she answered after a long moment.

Taeyeon shrugged. I dont know. I figured you didnt want to tell anyone I dont
knowI just thought

Its not that I dont want to, Tiffany replied and then for a few moments they were silent,
assembling the puzzle with dedicated concentration.

I just dont know what wed say, and Tiffany exhaled. I dont know how theyd take it.
Im guessing Sunkyu threatened me with violence.

A little bit of violence, Taeyeon admitted.

Tiffany sighed. And the rest of them will be exactly the same.

I think she was mostly confused, Taeyeon pointed out. I mean. Maybe that was my fault. I
couldnt really explain to her what was going on, because I dont really know whats going
on, and I think the fact that we havent talked about it is

She shrugged and looked up. Tiffany had settled down and was sitting cross-legged, her
shoulders slumped forward, her eyebrows lowered over her eyes. Taeyeon couldnt help but
feel bad, although she didnt know why. Maybe it was easier if they didnt talk about it.
Maybe what she had told Sunkyu was an ideal, maybe the best thing for them to be was
exactly what they were and had always been, except kissing instead of fighting, which she
admitted was a pretty good compromise. Maybe. The thought of defining it at all weighed
heavy on her.

We can talk about it, Tiffany said.

Taeyeon took a breath. Now she didnt know how to. Never mind just forget about it seemed
a little bit childish at this juncture. What are we doing? she blurted.

I dont know, Tiffany told her honestly.

I meanwhat are we, to each other, I mean

I dont know, Tiffany repeated. Is that what this is? Does it need a label for you to be okay
with it?

No, I justlook, I think we both know how I feel about you. Im not really a wild-card. Ive
wanted the same thing for, like, ten years now, so I know what I want this to be, I just have
no way of knowingwhatyou

I want the same thing you want.

But why? Taeyeon sputtered, realizing suddenly why she felt so frustrated. Why, suddenly,
now? Did you just flip a switch and decide you can feel the same way about me? After ten
years? I mean

Thats not fair, Tiffany said in a small voice. Ive felt this way for a long time.

Then why now? Taeyeon shook her head. I mean, are you really thatinsecureI mean,
is this just another thing to keep me with you?

Would it be so wrong if it was? Tiffany asked. She met Taeyeons eyes. Listen, if I had
the rest of my life to figure out how I feel about you, Id take it. But I dont. You're telling me
I could lose you forever. What do you expect me to do?

Thats not very comforting, Taeyeon said with a frown. You know, that if there wasnt the
threat of disbandment hanging over our heads youd leave me to continue being miserable
foreverI mean, its a littleI dont want to use the word sadistic, but theres no thesaurus
on hand, so

Tiffany flung a puzzle piece at her and smiled, strained. You know I just want you to be
happy. I kept thinking, you know, if I wait long enough, youll get over me and I wont even
have to figure out how I feel about you, because itll be too late. Thats what I wanted,
honestly.

Why?

Because you had it in your head that I was somehow going to be the thing that could make
you happy, and I knew I wasnt. I still think that. But She shrugged helplessly. Taeyeon
looked at her. The idea of the past ten years of her life being summarized with a helpless
shrug was so ridiculous it almost made her laugh.

Thats stupid, Taeyeon blurted. Youre stupid.

What are you, five? Dont call me stupid

Im sorry, but thats dumb

Taeyeon, get this through your head, Tiffany rasped harshly and her tone was unlike
anything Taeyeon had ever heard in all the years of knowing her. I cant make you happy,
okay? Ive waited years for you to figure this out and Im still waitingyoure going to
realize that Im not what you want, that you put me on an unrealistic pedestal for years, and
theres no way any human being could ever live up to what you want, especially me. Youre
going to realize that.

Is that what this is? Just another effort to make me get over you? Youre unbelievable.

No. Tiffany shook her head adamantly. You dont understand the pressure.

I would never pressure you in any way, Taeyeon said, feeling defensive. You know that.

Thats not what I mean. I meanwhen you idealize something for too long, youre only
bound to be disappointed.

Idealize? Taeyeon repeated skeptically. What even was an ideal, she wondered. A type, an
idealthat was someone you could summarize in a line, a few words. She couldnt explain
Tiffany in a few words. She couldnt explain Tiffany in a million words. She knew this
because she had tried, and the more difficult it became to talk about, the more genuine she
knew it was.

Listen. She straightened her legs and then hesitantly scooted forward, close enough to
touch her. She took a breath. She had left the ball more or less in Tiffanys court for a month
now, never approaching her, never initiating anything. In a way, it felt like her last lifeline,
her last effort at some form of self-preservation, an assurance that this was what Tiffany
wanted and that if Tiffany suddenly decided it wasnt what she wantedwell, maybe she
could only get her heart broken a little if she didnt invest too much.

Now, though, she made the first move forward, placing her hand carefully on Tiffanys knee.
That much she could do. She shook her head. Look, Im not some fan, okay? Im not
someone who doesnt know the real you. Im not admiring you from afarI know you. I
mean, the good stuff, the bad stuff. I know everything about you. I know you look like an
ugly monkey when you wake up in the morning

Taeyeon, Tiffany gaped.

I know that youve lived here for a million years and your Korean is still so mysteriously
bad I have to explain my incredibly hilarious jokes to you. I know youre stupid and stubborn
and overprotective to a really obnoxious fault, and I know thatbetter than anyone because
Ive worked and lived and been with you for ten years now. She felt Tiffanys knee shake
beneath her hand. Im not in love with an ideal person, she said. If you dont get that Im
kind of stupidly in love with every single one of your flaws, you havent been paying
attention. At all.

She felt brave enough to finally look up at her and was surprised to see Tiffanys head bowed
in a slight nod. She scooted closer, braced both hands on the floor on either side of Tiffany;
the proximity made her dizzy. Thats it, she thought, studying Tiffanys wet eyelashes, thats
ityou wont get out of this alive.

She swallowed. Can I please kiss you? she asked.

Tiffany looked up, her eyes dark, and she nodded timidly. Taeyeon kissed her. She felt
Tiffany cup her face and her arms shook.

Ugly monkey, Tiffany questioned with a tone of disapproval, kissing just the edge of
Taeyeons lips.

A really cute ugly monkey, Taeyeon clarified, smiling.

And Im sorry, my Koreans awesome and youre just not that funny

No, Im really hilarious

Youre really not, all your jokes are lame puns and

Puns are funny

For old people, maybe

Please shut up, Taeyeon muttered and sealed their lips together, pressed close and put her
mouth anywhere she could, feeling Tiffanys feverish pulse throb where their lips met. She
pressed her to the floor and her skin prickled and buzzed as her blood raced through her veins.

She was beginning to forget the point of self-restraint. Maybe Tiffany was, too. Tiffany left
marks in her skin, always, little imprints of her nails on Taeyeons shoulders, scratches on her
forearms. It meant that she couldnt kiss Tiffany and walk away from it, blot it from her mind,
because the memories were carved into her skin.

It had seemed like a long fall over the course of many years, but maybe it was shorter and
quicker than she had thought.

The elevator stopped on the eighth floor on the way down. Taeyeon barely glanced up from
her phone but there was a chill in the air as soon as the other occupant stepped in and
instinctively, Taeyeon found herself backing toward the corner of the elevator, shrinking
away.

Unni, the young girl greeted. She looked kind of young, Taeyeon thought, but there was
never anyway of knowing. Jessica and Tiffany had never had as many stalkers as she did and
she had been meaning to ask one of the managers to increase security at the new building but
it had slipped her mind over and over again. They had seemed so docile, so non-intrusive
since Christmas.

How did you get in, Taeyeon sighed, her eye trained on the elevators floor lights as they
descended too slow for her liking.

I just want to see you Youre keeping a lot of secrets from them lately, the girl said and
Taeyeon looked up in surprise. You and Tiffany unni, the contract

How did you knowleapt to Taeyeons lips but she pursed them, not wanting to give herself
away. Her skin crawled a little. I dont know what youre talking about.

You know we always find out, the girl said casually, warmly, answering her unasked
question. Taeyeon studied her. She was pretty. Now that she was looking at her closely she
thought she looked like she was maybe university age; Taeyeon recognized her, because she
had been following her for a few years now. At least three or four. This was the first time she
could remember ever talking to her and it almost made her laugh, somehow, the idea of a
young university-aged girl following a celebrity for so long and only saying youre keeping a
lot of secrets the second she had a chance alone with her.

Taeyeon thought she should almost be grateful for the negligible sanity, at least in some
respect, although the thought made her bitter.

Its okay, unni, you know, the girl said softly. You think theyre not keeping secrets from
you, too?

Taeyeon just looked at the descending floor lights, keeping her face still. Why had she left the
apartment alone, she wondered.

Im your fan, so Ill always follow you. Unniyou know that, right?

Yes, Taeyeon said stiffly.

I like the other members, too, of course, but its you. And its us. Were the ones who are
always there for you.

She was keeping her distance. They kept to opposite sides of the elevator. Taeyeon held her
breath.

Do you remember when Tiffany unni left? How hard you cried? That was us there for you,
not the members. Do you remember that time you were too drunk to drive home? Maybe you
dont. You were really out of it that night. We were the ones who called you a cab. We said,
where should we have them take you? We wanted one of the members to take care of you
that night. But you said no. You just wanted to go home. Ill bother them, you said, Ill just
be trouble.

Taeyeon shook her head. She didnt remember.

You never bother us, though. You dont trouble us. You can count on usthats all Im
saying.

Taeyeon breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator came to the parking garage.

Good, she said, brushing past the girl, I can count on crazy people. Im so touched.

Hey. She was surprised that she hadnt been followed out of the elevator and despite her
better judgment, she turned.

I dont have an agenda, unniits the same for me no matter what you do. But dont you
think they probably have an agenda? Not everyone wants the same things.

The elevator doors closed. The parking garage seemed eerily empty. She wanted to laugh
about it but she thought she was in no position to. If she was keeping things from them, then
why wouldnt they keep things from her? Hadnt they all kept quiet about their solo activities?
Wouldnt she have done the same?

An eternity of friendship suddenly seemed very stupid if trust could collapse so easily.

chapter twenty
(2013)

In all technicalities, as Taeyeon will later explain, the decision to not renew the lease on the
dorm is theirs entirely. Like everything else, the choice is left to them and its only kind,
well-meaning managers who explain that making them continue to live together when theyre
well into their twenties would be like saying the company doesnt trust them to be adults, and
of course we trust you to be adults, youre our precious daughters, youre new-age icons,
youre responsible little girls who tugged us out of red and right into black, and you know
well always be grateful for that.
In that context, it makes perfect sense, and Taeyeon is the first to point out that its been six
years since debut and all the reasons they had for needing to live together back then simply
dont exist anymore. Theyre responsible adults who sometimes even drive their own cars to
their own separate schedules, and they have private lives, and significant others, and little
spots and pockets of life that dont intersect at all. From a financial standpointand Taeyeon
rarely considers financial standpoints, but her parents dothe quicker theyre out from under
the companys thumb, the less theyll have to pay back when all is said and done.
When all is said and done is a private phrase that Taeyeon only thinks about in hypothetical
terms. When youve toured the world and sold as many albums as they have, the idea

of said and the idea of done seem like mythical concepts, things people refer to as though
they exist but what everyone knows deep down cant possibly exist. She thinks of Girls
Generation that way; the public sphere talks about them as a finite thing and she gamely plays
along, but she thinks maybe she knows something they dont know, and maybe the fans dont
even know, that if it came down to their choice, when all is said and done, the only thing that
could break-up Girls Generation is an outside source.
And what could that outside source ever be, she thinks, when weve made the company as
much money as weve made them.
At any rate, the nine of them are technically left with the decision to renew the dorm lease or
not, even if there is a higher power pulling the strings more or less. Sooyoung and Jessica talk
about moving back in with their families and Juhyun diligently looks at apartment ads and
theres a weird sort of electricity in the air that bothers Taeyeon more than it really should,
although she chalks it up to the fact that theyre discussing this during rehearsal instead of
learning choreography.
For work reasons it makes sense to not move too far out of Gangnam, Sunkyu points out,
gesturing toward Juhyuns laptop with the cap of her water bottle. And the best security, too.
You should move back in with your family, Sunkyu, Hyoyeon comments. Without
someone to clean up after you, youll probably die in your own filth.
There are worse ways to die. Plus, I figured Taengoo and I would move in together.
Then Taengoo has to deal with your filth.
I like her filth, Taeyeon says absently. Can we practice now?
She admits that shes done very little thinking about where to move after the lease expires,
despite the fact that shes one of the members who has to think about it the most urgently.
The rest of them can ostensibly move in with their families until they find somewhere else,
but a daily commute from Jeonju to Seoul is more than shes willing to do at her state of
exhaustion and homesickness. Her first thought, sort of fleetingly, is that she and Tiffany can
move in together, but the thought disappears as quickly as it comes.
She realizes, with a start, stumbling over the choreography, that this will be the first time in
nearly ten years that she and Tiffany will be living apart. The thought is so singularly weird
that it raises the hair on her arms, makes her step back and lean against the cool wall while
she watches eight pairs of legs expertly complete the choreography she can only stumble
through. The forefront of her mind had been occupied with the end of the six years she had
spent with the other girls, and it has kept her from thinking about the near decade she has

spent alongside Tiffany. She feels suddenly small and fifteen and oddly clingy, watching
Tiffanys focused attention on the choreography and the way her hair sticks to her forehead
and temples with sweat. Its a weird feeling, like leaving home was a weird feeling, like
looking at pictures of herself and her brother in the house she grew up in was a weird feeling.
She has spent the last three years getting her best friend back, putting her back in the spot she
wants, and it feels a little scary to let go.
When the song picks up for the second time she pushes herself off the wall and slides into
formation. Maybe it would be a good thing, she thinks hopefully, to let go a little.

I guess its good that well still live together here, Tiffany says as soon as they unlock the
door to their dorm in Tokyo. Although it still feels weird.
Its going to feel weird for awhile, Taeyeon points out, flicking the lights on as they come
in. Thanks for coming with me. The rest of the girls had stayed at the restaurant in Shibuya
but Taeyeon had drank too much and eaten too little.
Its okay. Lets get you some food.
She doesnt want, really, to eat Tiffanys cooking, but she feels a little too dizzy and buzzed
to even properly light the stove so she lets Tiffany make it and hopes she finds it impossible
to screw up ramyun too much. The clock behind the kitchen sink says its barely past eight;
she wishes, sort of, that the rest of the girls would stay at the restaurant until late. She thinks
maybe they will, because it was a successful tour and it had been a year of successful things
and they deserved, she thinks, to eat a lot and drink a lot and laugh a lot, and she deserves,
she thinks, to sit here and look at Tiffany and Tiffanys pretty hands and deep, anxious
concentration over boiling water.
Are you still looking for a place to live? Tiffany asks, leaning against the counter to look at
her. Taeyeon nods.
Theres a place across the river, she says. I was in the area last week, maybe, and the
buildings were really nice. Its less stressful there.
No matter where you go, itll be stressful, Tiffany points out.
Thats the stress that follows me, Taeyeon agrees, but if I can minimize it, Im okay.
So youre not going to live with Sunkyu?

I think shed be happier with her family, Taeyeon says. And Id be happier
Alone, Tiffany finishes and then snorts, turning to examine the water. Thats you.
How can you say thats me when Ive never lived alone my entire life?
Because, its what youve always wanted.
Not always. But maybe itll be better. I dont want to be a burden.
Tiffany rolls her eyes and examines her nails. Its the same any time they talk about it. Youre
not a burden, she says, and Taeyeon tries to believe it. Its hard to live with, though, and she
worries what it must be like for Tiffany, to look at her and know how she feels, and how
shes always felt. How can that not be a burden, she wonders.
What about you? she asks softly, drinking the glass of water Tiffany hands her.
Ive been thinking. Tiffany examines her nails closely. Oppa has his own place now, and
he did ask me.
Did he ask you?
Not explicitly, but I guess he did.
What did he say?
I said, were moving out of the dorm, and he said oh, you can keep oppa company then.
Wow, is he always so eloquent, Taeyeon mutters dryly.
You just dont like him, Tiffany says, rolling her eyes.
Its not that I dont like monkeys, Taeyeon protests, I just cant relate with them on an
intellectual level
Ill ignore that, Tiffany sings, since youre drunk.
Taeyeon is not really very drunk but if it gives her a pass to mock Tiffanys boyfriend
without getting hit, she wont argue the point.
Anyway, she says carefully, watching Tiffany add the noodles to the water, you cant

move in with him, anyway.

Why not?
Because, she says, blank, as though Tiffany is a toddler, youre an idol, and there would
be a scandal.
Do you really think people would care?
Yes, I think people would care, do you have any idea how many news articles there would
be if you moved in with a guy
Our fans are mature enough to
You have to make decisions that will reflect well on the rest of the group, youd be burying
eight other careers if you
Just like you make decisions that reflect well on the group when youre sleeping with every
single girl you meet.
Taeyeon frowns. Thats different.
How is it different?
Because no one knows about it and, really, do I have to explain to you how its different?
So you can sleep with whoever you want but I cant even live with a guy who Ive been
dating for six months?
Five months, Taeyeon corrects idly and then feels like swallowing her tongue.
Tiffany opens her mouth to argue and then her expression softens. She turns back to the stove
and then brings the pot over to set it on the counter. Five months, she agrees in a low,
disapproving murmur. Why are you keeping track.
I didnt mean to, Taeyeon admits.
Its not fair, Tiffany says.
Why should it be fair? Taeyeon asks. You picked a bad career if you want fairness. Do
you really want to live with him? I didnt think you guys were that serious.

Thats because you dont pay attention any time I talk about him.
Do you blame me?
No, Tiffany says gently, stirring the noodles before lifting them up to Taeyeons lips.
Butblow, its hotits still not fair.
Youre an idol. You have to think about the group, Taeyeon says, chewing.
You know I always think about the group.
Jessicas not even moving in with her girlfriend and theyve been dating since the dawn of
time. Plus no one would pay attention if they moved in together, since theyre both girls. In
that context, you look pretty selfish. And you're not selfish."
Would you live with me? Tiffany asks, lifting more noodles out of the pot.
No. I can feed myself.
Tiffany shoves the chopsticks into her hands. Why not?
Because, Taeyeon says simply, looking down at her food, I want to figure out where you
end and I begin.
Do you? Tiffany asks curiously, leaning both elbows on the counter and eyeing her. Her
gaze is searing, and Taeyeon thinks, suddenly, maybe she really is drunk because her world
feels a little disoriented all at once. Doesnt that scare you?
Should it?
Tiffanys eyes are sad. Tiffanys eyes are always sad.
It scares me. I dont want to know where I begin. I want to know where you begin, and I
want you to know where I begin. Thats a safety net.
Were too old for safety nets, Taeyeon says and is surprised by the anger in Tiffanys eyes.
"Maybe you are," she says coolly. "Maybe you've outgrown me. I haven't outgrown you,
though."
She leaves. Taeyeon eats alone.


In the end, Tiffany and Jessica decide to move in together, which is a terrifying combination
Taeyeon chooses not to comment on. Theyre the first ones to move out, and they have a
party their first week there, partly because Tiffany will use any excuse to have a party and
partly because theyve wrapped album promotions and their schedules are ominously bare,
save for the upcoming tour, but even that feels like the only excuse theyll have to see each
other for awhile.
What was initially meant to be just the nine of them grows until its so large that Taeyeon
thinks Jessica and Tiffanys neighbors already have reason to complain, less than a week into
occupation. Hes there, of course, and Taeyeon almost leaves as soon as she sees him, except
Sunkyu grabs her tight around the shoulders and Sooyoung shoves a shot glass in her hand
and Jessica says something like, You have to get used to it, Taengoo, she really likes him a
lot, way more than the other guys, and they do three shots in successionone, two, three
and her head buzzes pleasantly and she couldn't care less who Tiffany is kissing or who
Tiffany has been kissing for the past five months three weeks and two days (not that she was
keeping track).
Doesnt it feel weird? Taeyeon asks Yoona, tuning out the sound of Hyoyeon explaining
the weirdly elaborate drinking game shes invented.
Doesnt what feel weird?
The meeting earlier today. Taeyeon frowns, shifting down low in her seat. When they
talked to us
Unni, I think it went okay.
I thought about it. For the past six years, whenever we discuss our schedules, they always
tell us what were doing. They say, youre going to go here, or youll promote in this month,
or youll have a concert here and here. This time they said what do you want to do? Thats
the weird part.
Isnt that what you want, though? Yoona is puzzled. They put their shot glasses in the
middle to fill up. All this time youve said you want more freedom.
Yeah, but it feels weird.
Weird to get what you want?
Taeyeon isnt sure its that, since shes not sure its what she wants. There is a part of her, an

egocentric part of her, that thinks shes too good to be an idol, and has always thought that.
But that doesnt mean she knows how to be anything else.
It just feels weirdone shot She downs her drinkLike somethings ending or
something.
We have to tour for the next three months, Yoona tells her with a laugh. Thats not ending.
Thats never-ending.
Maybe youre right.
Of course shes not right, Hyoyeon butts in, shes never right.
All I said was that well be touring for three months
Oh, then youre right, I guess, this time. Taeyeon, you should move in with me and maknae.
Why.
Because I dont want to live alone with her, shell make me eat vegetables and read books
about global warming or something.
I dont want to eat vegetables either. Why would you live with her in the first place? I
figured you and Sooyoung would move in together.
Because shes my baby, Hyoyeon says defensively, and if I moved in with Choi Sooyoung,
wed kill each other.
Good point.
I picked the less bloody option.
Shut up, youre just being cool, Tiffany says, joining them. Shes drinking the same beer
that her boyfriend likes. Thats what she drinks lately. Yesterday she was so excited about it.
I was not
Thanks for coming and saying hi, Tiffany says to Taeyeon pointedly.
Taeyeon shrugs. You looked busy.
Unni, whats this, Yoona demands, grabbing Tiffanys hand. Theres an ugly ring on it.

Well, actually, its kind of pretty, but the sight of it makes Taeyeon scowl.
Oh. Tiffany snatches her hand away. Oppa is going to be out of the country on our
anniversary, so he gave this to me now.
It looks fake, Hyoyeon jokes, mostly because it so obviously does not. "Is it made of
plastic?"
Thats really romantic, Yoona says.
I guess the most basic things are romantic, huh, Taeyeon comments.
Unni, you guys are kind of serious.
Tiffany looks down. Yeah, kind of.
Taeyeon feels childish and grumpy but she thinks Tiffany is full of it, she thinks over the past
three years Tiffany has been kind of serious about four different guys and maybe shes really
in no place to talk, but it seems like theres a very skewed definition of serious going around.
Well no one asked my opinion, Taeyeon says bitterly, but I dont think hes good enough
for you, and hes ugly.
Tiffany smiles. Thats why no one asked your opinion, she says politely, cheerfully.
Thats why I offered ithey
Hyoyeon has yanked her up by the arm and pulls her over the back of the couch in a messy
heap. Come on, lets go get more liquor from the kitchen, she says, dragging her off. They
push through the swarm of people and Hyoyeon hits her in the back of the head.
Stop starting fights.
I didnt.
You wanted to.
Kind of.
Which would be totally hilarious to watch if it was just the nine of us, but theres a lot of
people here.

Yeah, Taeyeon agrees, leaning against the kitchen wall. The partys mostly filled with
industry people and other celebrities. They talk. Even if theyre your friends, they want to be
bigger than you, and they look eagle-eyed for the chinks in your armor.
You look ugly, Hyoyeon greets Jessica as she comes in the kitchen, fixing her hair. She
looks almost as though she's just woken up.
Youd know, youre the expert.
Did you see the ring that oppa gave Stephanie, Hyoyeon snickers, rinsing out a stack of
used shot glasses.
It looks really cheap, Jessica mutters.
No, its definitely expensive.
Yeah, its expensive, but its a cheap gesture, you know?
Yeah, hes kind of a cheap guy.
So you guys dont like him either, Taeyeon says, feeling somewhat vindicated.
Hes okay. Jessica shrugs. Tiffany likes him, and if he helps her take her mind off of
things, I cant really argue.
I think she has really terrible taste in men, Hyoyeon admits, but she has terrible taste in
music and clothes, too
You would really know about terrible taste in clothes, Jessica agrees.
I just think its kind of stupid how obsessed she is with being in a relationship. I mean,
she looks for them, instead of letting them happen.
Yeah. Jessica shrugs. I feel about him the same way Ive felt about the last three guys, I
guess? Likeshe dates him, she barely introduces us to him, after a certain point she makes
it seem like theyre getting really serious and that she cant live without him and then
bamits over. Just like that. The fact that she suddenly seems so serious about this guy
doesnt tell me anything except that I assume shes going to dump him soon.
Taeyeon wonders if thats true. In actuality, she hasnt done a whole lot of paying attention to
the guys Tiffany dates, but its true that they seem to have dedicated shelf lives as boyfriends.
For three years shes been incapable of being single, Taeyeon thinks, but every relationship

ends as soon as it gets remotely serious. Taeyeon supposes shes not really in any position to
judge, since she hasnt been in a serious relationship for nearly five years and what she
doesnt know about maintaining a serious relationship could probably fill Kyongbok Palace.
So Stephanies weird, Hyoyeon sums up in a bored tone. Whats new. Give me something
to drink, Sica, youre a bad hostess.
Jessica ignores her and smiles at Taeyeon. I got your favorite wine.
Aw, Taeyeon says, youre the best hostess, dont listen to haters.
Im not a hater, Im just upsettingly sober, Hyoyeon protests.
And theres someone who wants to meet you, that actress Tiffany invited.
Taeyeon frowns. There are a lot of actresses here tonight.
Jungwon, the one shes going to host that cable show with. The one you said was pretty.
Why does she want to meet me?
The same reason most people want to meet you, I guess. Jessica rolls her eyes. Because
youre more famous than them and youre too short to be intimidating? How would I know?
Its my job to make sure everyones happy and that includes keeping you and Tiffany from
fighting, excising underage boy-band members from the guest list, banning Yoona from any
poker games so she doesnt hustle all my friends out of their money, and making sure you get
laid.
And getting Hyoyeon drunk, Hyoyeon all but whines.
Oh god, who invited you? Jessica snaps, leading her away. Taeyeon hunts around in the
mostly bare kitchen, looking for the wine Jessica mentioned. Theyve barely moved in, boxes
still stacked in most rooms, and the kitchen is the barest of all. Theres a cabinet filled with
wine glasses and shot glasses and a solitary cooking pot, almost as a perfunctory afterthought.
Taeyeon thinks about her own new apartment, which shes set to move into next week. She
doesnt expect to use the kitchen very much. She doesnt expect to use the apartment very
much, truth be told. Sleeping and showering, but maybe not living. As much as shes lauded
the idea of finally being alone, the promise of the silence, the emptiness, it doesnt really sit
well with her.
The bottle is hers; Jessica always buys it just for her. If it was just the nine of them tonight,
she might drink straight out of the bottle, but image in all things, really, even at a party where

it seems image cant be much. She has seen industry professionals, people she respects,
notionally, falling-over drunk or even worse. Taeyeon keeps image fastened to her like fullbody armor. Youre old enough now, a colleague had told her, that there are only a handful of
scandals that could really undo you. She isnt sure why it bothers her so much. Shes hardly a
pristine person, and she makes no secret of it, but the group is still pristine, in its own way,
and thats important. Somehow, its important.

Jessica had mentioned that the balcony view had been pretty instrumental in hers and
Tiffanys decision to rent this apartment and its in the back of her mind as she leads
Jungwon toward the doors. Forefront on her mind is how stuffy the apartment has become,
and how much she hates people closing in on her. It isnt just the feel of them, of people she
doesnt know or even people she does know moving in tight around her, its all her senses
the way they block out any light, artificial or otherwise, the loudness, how it's never just a
comfortably dull hum but a loud storm where you can catch snatches of conversation with no
context. And the smell. Taeyeon likes perfume, almost to the point of obsession, but its the
singularity of scent she likes, not the collection of it.
Out on the balcony its cool and quiet and bright and open; it smells like Seoul in summer.
Smoke and leaves and gasoline and the quick, stinging scent of wine, like someones spilled
it somewhere. There are two other people out here, both smoking, and she and Jungwon
navigate to the other end of the balcony. Taeyeon looks down.
It wouldnt be correct to say she was afraid of heights, but it wouldnt be correct to say she
wasnt. The sight doesnt calm her. To be this high up is electrifying, and to see this much of
the city is dauntingand scary. Sometimes she looks at pictures of Seoul, glittering and
imposing, and tries to match it to the image shes constructed in her head after years of living
here. They never match. When you only see a little bit of it at a time, it isnt glittering, it isnt
imposing, its just streets and people.
From here, its all that and more. Beautiful, but scary. Something she doesnt think shes
worthy of looking at and yet cant stop looking at all the same.
She snorts a little. Taeyeon, youre drunk. Youre so drunk. Youre so very drunk.
Tiffany talks about you a lot.
Jungwon has a nice speaking voice. Taeyeon hasnt seen her in anything to know how well
she acts, but she knows that shes nice to look at and shes nice to listen to, and there wasnt
much more you could ask of an actor or actress, was there. Shes had one breakout role, but
shes still a rookie, and she makes Taeyeon feel old. Theyre the same age, but Taeyeon feels

old, because shes been in this business for six years and here is a girl who probably still gets
excited when her manager calls her. When she sees her daily schedule she probably cant
wait to meet all the objectivesher first thought probably isnt, but when will I have time to
eat, and when will I have time to sleep, and why do I have to work with him, hes such a jerk,
and that scriptwriter hates me, everyone knows she hates me, and why three hours filming for
a television appearance that wont amount to more than two minutes, thats going to be an
hour of hair and make-up at least so maybe I can sleep then but I have to discuss tomorrows
schedule with our manager dont I and when will I get time to sleep when can I sleep
Taeyeon frowns. When she looks down at the city she gets vertigo and the lights swim
together.
Me?
She talks about all of you, but she talks about you a lot. Somewhere in the space of the last
five minutes, shes drifted closer and Taeyeon can feel her arm pressed against her, can smell
the soju on her breath. The city is a loud roar behind them. The quiet kind. A loud, quiet roar.
Kim Taeyeon is drunk. She dangles her drink by the tips of her fingers, watching it hover
above the city, a glass ready to shatter.
Weve known each other a long time, Taeyeon explains.
I asked for your number a few times, but she said it wasnt hers to give out.
Taeyeon drinks, long, measured. What would you do with my phone number?
Call you.
Ah. Thats the best use of a phone number I can think of.
Where do you live?
Um. Taeyeon switches her drink to the other hand and then points east, where the traffic is
congested. Right now, the fifth light from the subway station. Next week, she points across
the river, theres a barbecue place over theresomewhere past the barbecue place. I think
one, two, threeblocks past
Her fingers brush Taeyeons forearm as she points to a building only a few blocks away.
Thats where I live.
Oh. Taeyeon nods. Thats

About a five minute walk.

That is very close, Taeyeon says carefully, shifting her weight.
Do you want to see it? Its a nice apartment.
Shes very direct.
Hmm, well She brushes Taeyeons arm again and smiles.
Youre really cutedid you know that?
Ive been told, Taeyeon admits. ListenId like toId definitely like tobut you
should know, you know, I dont really do the relationship thingor anything like that.
Thats okay. I can't really afford something that dangerous when my career's just starting out
anyway. She traps her against the balcony railing. Plus I get the feeling Tiffany would kill
me if I dated you.
Taeyeon bites her lip. Thatsreally? Shes not a particularlymurderous person
She feels Jungwons lips on hers when the door opens and her eyes lower immediately upon
seeing Tiffany.
Hey, Tiffany says, frowning. She has a pack of cigarettes in her hand. Its gross, and shes
been doing it ever since she started dating him, although she swears it has nothing to do with
him. Taeyeon frowns.
I guess you met Taeyeon, Tiffany says and glances beyond them toward the city. When she
lifts a hand to run it through her long, dark hair, Taeyeon notices the ring is gone.
Yes, we met. Thanks for inviting me.
No problem. Taeyeon
Taeyeon bristles. Yes.
Youre in public, you know, Tiffany says conversationally, and then glances at her, aloof,
her eyes narrow. Youre an idol. You have to think about the group.
Im sorry, Jungwon says, its my fault, really. I couldnt help myselfshes so cute, dont
you think?

Taeyeon smiles tightly at Tiffany. Im cute.

Adorable, Tiffany agrees dryly.
Ill go get my jacket and meet you, Jungwon says and Taeyeon watches her disappear back
inside.
Please dont, Tiffany says when theyre alone.
Dont what?
Sleep with her. I have to host a show with her once a week, and its going to be really
awkward if I know shes slept with my best friend.
Taeyeon shrugs. Just pretend you dont know about it.
Taeyeon.
Okay.
She doesnt argue. They dont argue. They itch for fights but they dont have them.
They stand in silence. Taeyeon drains the rest of her drink and sets the glass down on the
ground. She notices Tiffany rifling through the pack of cigarettes and pulls the pack
delicately from her hand, shoving it in her back pocket.
Youre quitting.
Okay.
She doesnt argue, because they dont argue. They start fights half-heartedly with no
intention of finishing.
Hes not good for you, Taeyeon says softly, looking anywhere but at her. I know you
think its because Im jealous, and I am, butyoure not the same anymore. This isnt you.
Youre not like that. Youve always been your own person, and to see you just taking on the
traits of guys you dateits just
Could I become someone you cant stand?
Taeyeon laughs at the sudden question. Is that what youre trying to do?

Tiffany purses her lips. Its cold out here. She can see the goosebumps on her crossed arms.
No. I just want to know how you see me.
How I see you?
If you see me the way I see me.
Taeyeon looks away. I just see you, she says, breathless, and then doesnt know how to
explain it better. She has never thought about whether she sees Tiffany a certain way. Do
people really do that? She loves her, flaws and all. Maybe she loves her flaws more than she
loves her virtues. Maybe thats sad. I just want you to be you, she explains at last. And I
dont think this is you.
Maybe. Maybe Im getting sick of this.
Of what?
Its just really endless, you know? She purses her lips again, brushes her hair out of her
eyes. Its getting too long. She forgets, now that they arent living together, how she liked
watching Tiffany in the morning, brushing her hair in front of the mirror, turning the tangled,
messy hair into silk. Its a weird privilege she has been afforded for too long, the privilege of
the best friend, the privilege of the roommate, to see her in her unpolished state and watch her
shine up like something impossible and pretty.
I guess.
Finish tour, tour again, record album, promote, tourI mean, over and over again. Its the
same stuff.
Its not the same, Taeyeon says with a frown. I mean, the music is different, and the
concerts are differentI mean, every concert is different, the audiences are different, the
I know. Its not that I dont love it, because I do, its just that I dont know what to do with it
anymore. What are we doing? Were not going to get more popular than we are now. Theres
no place to go but down.
Its not about the popularity. You said that.
I know. Its not that. I just feel stuck in one place. She looks at Taeyeon. Its lonely at the
top.

I guess. But youre not alone. You have us.

Do I? Tiffany wonders. Have you?
Youll always have me. I just worry about you. I dont think hes good for you.
Tiffany examines her hands. Maybe not. I dont know. I have to be in love with someone,
right?
Taeyeon thinks about it and wonders if its true. In her experience, being in love with
someone isnt really all its cracked up to be.
Come here, Tiffany says and pulls Taeyeon into her arms. Shes warm, and her heart is
beating fast. I love you.
Taeyeon laughs, trying to pull away. Gross.
Just deal with it, okay.
Okay.
Say it back.
She feels Tiffanys arms tighten around her and she breathes her in a little, that spot where
Tiffanys shoulder meets her neck and its warm and Taeyeons heart feels light; her tongue
feels heavy.
I love you, too, she mumbles and Tiffany releases her. I think Im going to go home.
Take a cab.
Im taking a cab.
Dont sleep with Jungwon.
I wont sleep with her.
Text me when you get home.
Ill text you. Anything else?
Tiffany looks at her for a long time. Her mouth opens and then closes and the ensuing exhale

is so loud Taeyeon can hear it over the roar of the city, over the muted racket of the party
inside. Nothing comes to mind.
Okay.
She thinks Tiffany looks pretty like that, with her hair moving in the wind and the city bright
and bustling around her like a vibrant backdrop. She thinks thats something, the girl she
loves and the city she loves, right there, like a picture.

present
(2016)

In a way, Taeyeon enjoyed the solitude.

For the most part, theyd been laying down vocal parts in pairs or small groupstwo or three
of them coming in at a time and meeting with the studio engineer to record. Taeyeon liked
this, sort of, and had always had a strange relationship with studio production. The lack of a
rapt audience when recording vocals had always left her sort of cold toward the material, but
at the same time, she appreciated the methodical nature of it, the allowance of screw-ups, and
ability to re-record a bad take.
Today she was alone, and it was strangely comforting. With less people to record, it should
have been moving faster, but she was finding discussing the music with Jihae relaxing. It
alleviated the stress, a little. In all things, she realized music would always be the thing that
moved her. It wasnt a thing she could give up. That had never been an option.
Have you heard the mastered version of Yuris single? Jihae asked when they broke for
another discussion of the song they were recording.
No, I want to be surprised, Taeyeon said with a frown. The single would be out at midnight.
Shed heard the guide version of the demo once but was sort of anxious to hear what Yuris
version would sound like. As such shed promised to buy a version off of every download
site she could find and argue with people on the internet who didnt like it. In return Yuri had
promised to autograph Taeyeons bra.
Its really good, Jihae said. If it doesnt chart well Ill be genuinely surprised.

Ill be genuinely annoyed, Taeyeon said. Shes worked really hard. Yuri was behind on
their group recording schedule because shed been working so hard preparing promotions for
this single. It was fascinating watching Yuri work herself to exhaustion because she was so
unlike Taeyeon in so many ways. She never complained, she just smiled and laughed through
the exhaustion. Part of that, Taeyeon knew, was just her nature, but she guessed another part
was how genuinely excited Yuri was to promote her own song.
Taeyeon supposed she was someone who really deserved it. She supposed they all were,
really. They were hard-working kids, even if they hadnt been kids for a long time.
All right, lets try and finish this song, she suggested, standing up and stretching. She was
trying to take care of her voice but truthfully she would have killed for some coffee at the
moment. She knew her voice was a little dead from close to a year of disuse, serious singingwise, and her radio schedule which sometimes left her hoarse. She cleared her throat a few
times on the way in.
She slipped her shoes offa nervous, ingrained habitand stepped into the recording booth.
The minute she was standing there, alone, studying the music, the relaxed spots inside her
seized up. When she was fourteen years old, she had stepped into a recording booth and
breathed life into a song for the first time. She still remembered that more than any other
recording session over the years, the terrified feeling of being alone in that booth with the
headphones too big for her ears and a team of engineers and producers watching her, hawkeyed, through the glass. Even if it was just unni today, and even if she had done this a million
timesthis was more like the first time, wasnt it. So much was riding on this album. She
had thought, years and years ago, that if she couldnt do it, then she would never be able to do
it. She thought that now.
Her voice cracked, just a little, and she stepped back with a frown.
Youre okay, Jihae said through the intercom. Just sing it like you sang the solo version.
Its the same vocal part, essentially.
Youre right, Taeyeon agreed, and she warmed up a little. The section theyd recorded
earlier had higher notes than this. This part was perfectly in her range. Her throat just felt
tight.
She tried again. She thought about Yuri.
Jihae broke in again.
Do you want to move onto another section for now and come back to this one later?

Taeyeon sighed. Yeah, maybe.

Does that sound good? Lets do that.
Okay. Thanks, unni.
And Taengoo, if we need to change the key, we can always do that, okay? Itll take a little
extra work but nothings set in stone until its on the shelves, right?
Right, Taeyeon said, but that wasnt a very comforting thought.
When they were finished for the day Taeyeon felt the need to apologize. She wasnt sure why,
because she had worked with Jihae unni even when her voice had been at its worst, and she
thought she had done better today than on other days, in the past, when she was
overworkedstill, she felt guilty, because it had been a failure and it hadnt been entirely out
of her control, she knew. She could make excuses for the physical condition of her voice, but
the fact of the matter was that she was preoccupied and that was all there was to it.
Theres nothing to apologize for, Jihae said with a laugh. I always like working with you.
I feel like I wasted a couple hours today.
Jihae shrugged. Its your money, she said playfully. Dont worry, we got a lot of really
good stuff, and Ill see you on Thursday with Tiffany and Juhyun.
Okay, Taeyeon said glumly, packing up.
Im serious, you know, Jihae said. I mean, Ive always really liked working with you. You
know I dont care what I do, as long as its good music. When I work with people who I
know really care, then I remember why I liked this job in the first place.
Yeah, but
You had a bad day, theres no reason to beat yourself up for it. Give me your phone.
Taeyeon frowned, watching as Jihae programmed a number into her cell phone.
Thats my personal number, she explained, handing the phone back. When this album is
finishedwell, wherever you end up going, just keep in touch. I think we work well together.
Taeyeons mind picked up suddenly, buzzing back to life. Going? she repeated. What
makes you think Im going somewhere?

Jihae paused and then frowned. UmI didnt say you were going anywhere. Just that if you
werejust a what if, for whenever, a year from now, five years from now, even ten, Id work
with you, whatever youre doing.
Taeyeons silence seemed to make her uncomfortable so she added, with no small amount of
chagrin, Im just saying I like working with you, Taengoo. Thats all.
And the rest of the girls, Taeyeon supplied, looking down at the floor.
Yeah. A beat. I like working with all you kids.
Wherever we end up going, Taeyeon said slowly, attempting to echo Jihaes tone although
it felt hollow.
Ughgod. Thats not what I meant. Im sorry I worded it that way. I just meant
You just meant that youve heard rumors, Taeyeon finished for her and Jihaes sudden
flushed cheeks made her think shed hit it on the head. That people are talkingare they
saying Im leaving the company?
Unni looked very badly like she wanted to not answer but after a moment released a sigh.
You knowtech peopleI mean, engineers and other guys, they dont know what theyre
talking about. They gossip about stuff constantly, its notI mean, it was just a year ago that
one of my sunbaes was saying he knew for a fact that the company was debuting a new group
in six months, and thats not true, so why would this be true? They just gossip. Thats it.
Everyone knows you guysyou knowyou guys are in it for the long haul.
Yeah, but this gossip, and she muttered it like it was a dirty word because after this long in
this business, it wasnt anything else, true or notis that what theyre saying? That I want
out?
They are, Jihae began carefully, saying that some of you are planning on leaving after this
album. But like I saidwhat do tech people know? Im sorry I said anything, Taeyeon, that
was irresponsible of me. I was just trying toyou knowsay that Id work with you, no
matter what. If you need a studio engineer, you can always call me.
Taeyeon hadnt realized how tensed her shoulders were until she attempted to relax them and
felt her neck crack. She let them droop and then smiled, apologetically. Sorry for
interrogating you, unni.
No, Im sorry forstressing you out. I shouldve thought about what I was saying.

Its okay, Taeyeon said with a laugh. It doesnt take much to stress me out these days.
A kind smile graced Jihaes suddenly relieved expression. I can tell. Dont worry about
things too much, Taengoo. Its not healthy.
She felt like people had been telling her that her whole life. It was in her nature to worry,
though; it always had been. Knowing full well that it was the reason she became stressed so
easily didnt make it any easier to stop. It undid peopleworrying this way. Worry bred
desperation, and she had seen what desperation could become in a business like this. She
thought about the group, about her best friends, her trusted teammates, and she thought about
what their worry and their desperation could do to them. Would she be able to blame them?
Wasnt she exactly the same? For all her posturing and admissions that she was exhausted,
the idea of being cast aside, an overlooked footnote in a one-day list of has-been idols, a
poster that some kid eventually grew tired of and pulled off the wallit gnawed her insides
apart until there was nothing left.
Because thats what she would becomenothing. If she wasnt this, then she wasnt anything.
A kid from the country who never pursued higher education, who had no skills outside of this
one thing. Could she really blame them? It wasnt greed, it was survival. How could any of
them stay alive if they didnt have a place to do the only thing they were good at?
Taeyeon released a breath and smiled at her unni. I just want it to be a really good album,
she said at last, a half-lie, a tiny truth. I want it to be our best.
It will be. You had an off day. Even pretty, frighteningly talented people are allowed a
couple of those.
Taeyeons smile was bland because she knew shed had more than a couple, and knew there
were more than a couple to come. On a good day her heart felt heavy with loneliness and
melancholy; today, somehow, she felt a little lighter as she left the building. She met the cool
night air of the city with her eyes wide open. No one ever faulted a person for giving up if
they were beaten down. Maybe they would say she should have fought harder, and maybe
they would be right. But a rational person couldnt blame her for giving up, just a little.