Chapter 1:Danielle

Spinning and reeling,

My mind is a dance floor,
Don't wake me from my healing
I close my eyes and soar

The room is dusky. A scream fills my conscience and a shot rings out. I'm slipping, trying to
grab at the silky obscurity but it is pressed from my fingers like ink. Screaming and smoke fill my
lungs, and I wake up to my alarm. Breathing hard, sweat covering my whole body, I sit up, my pajamas
tangled around me. Just a dream. It's just a dream. The sun dances its way from my window in a
uniform ray of light. Vertigo, from standing up so rapidly swirls around like fog. When the world stops
wavering, I head towards the bathroom, my hair in snarls, black smudges of makeup from where I
forgot to take it off yesterday, powders up under my eyes, but I don't care.
Danielle! Hurry up! A frantic, over dramatic voice calls up the stairs.
I. am. Coming. Hold your horses. I yell, back, trying to get the tangled jeans unknotted from
my tee shirt. They are wrinkled, but I slip them on anyways, the snug cool material brushing against
my arm when I reach down to tie my tennis shoe. I clamber down the steps to the table where a couple
boxes of cereal sit, waiting for me. Mom has obviously gotten tired of waiting for me to give me a
artenerary of the day (which isn't something that I need) and has already left for work and taken
Jacob to school. I'll find a text in my message box giving me the low down of what's happening. Which
isn't much in this family. I shove some dry Cheerio's into a bag knowing I'll be late if I don't start
heading towards the stop like now. Emily I assume is there already, waiting for me. She's always early.
I head for the door, grabbing the extra set of house keys off of the hook, and latch the handle of the
knob before it closes behind me. I'm late again. The bus stop is only a block or so down the street. The
neighborhood is quaint, with red leaves catching fire to the trees, splashing the usually gray

neighborhood with a warm fuzzy color, the palm trees, red at the top, looking like scared parrots. My
shoes slap the cool cement rhythmically as I munch of the cereal. I finish and shove the plastic bag into
a zipper on the side of my backpack.
The sign that says, School crossing comes into view and I realize that the bus is already there.
It moseys around through the numerous stops and it doesn't wait for anyone. Unless Emily is waiting
for me at the stop, chatting with the driver so that I won't miss my ride. But she's not here, and I don't
know why. I start jogging, my jacket flapping up behind me, still hindered by the heavy backpack that
keeps it from flying off in the crisp fall air.
The bus doors start to close, but the driver feels more compassionate than usual and opens the
doors again for me to step on. Several annoying freshman's chat loudly and throw spitballs and stick
their shoes into the isle for me to trip over, but Ive learned to maneuver through them. I dodge the
spitballs and navigate over the obstical course of shoes and look at my normal seat where Em and I
usually sit. Its empty. Where could she be? She texted me just last night and we made homework plans
for after school today.
Its not like her to miss the bus, shes never late. She probably just rode with her mom today or
got sick or something. I pull out my phone and check for missed texts. One from Emily. I click it
hoping for an explanation. All it says is, Call me, I need to talk to you.
***
I sit down at lunch. Emily isn't here. She hasn't texted anything else either. I take my lunch into
the hallway where its slightly quieter, and try to call again. It rings one time and she picks up.
Danielle! Thank goodness you called me! Her voice is anxious and I hope that she is just
being over dramatic as usual.
Em whats wrong? I try to steady my voice, trying to sound plucky. It comes out monotone
though, monotone and rickety.
I need you to come to my house right after school. Its really important. She sounds like she is

on the verge of tears, her throat stopping her to say the last word without wavering a little.
Okay I will... Whats wrong? Why aren't you at school?
Just come to my house as soon as you can! I have to go. She hangs up and leaves me with
dead sound until it starts beeping and I click end, and I'm not any less confused. Just more worried,
more anxious, and definitely more ready to freak out. The rest of the day is hazy. Teachers, books,
homework, until finally its over. I don't even bother stopping by my locker before I run out to the curb
where the bus comes. Something is wrong. I can feel it in the air, in the way that she talked so fast and
how her voice is higher in pitch than usual. The bus seems to take its time crawling into the parking lot
but finally stopping in front of me. I step on and take my seat in a different spot than usual without
even realizing it until the bus screeches away from the curb, thundering off, the motor doing an
obnoxious and constant, Putt-putt-putt.
The leaves cascade down from the trees, dreaming up a stained glass curtain into a different
world on the street. I watch the houses blur by, a second there, a second gone. Different silky colors
filling my vision, wishing I could yell at the driver every time he stops, slowly lets out the stop sign,
sluggishly twists the handle to open the door for to let kids off in different neighborhoods than my own,
watching a few of the kids gather up their things with speed that even Jacob could match, climb off,
watch the man close the doors again, retract the sign, start the engine again, and rumble slowly off.
Finally, after about the 5th stop, he pulls into my neighborhood. I dont recognize the stop from the
other side of bus, but I snap out of it in my moment of misperception and climb off, running towards
her house, my heart thumping, the wind blowing my hair away from my face, leaves crushed by my
pounding shoes. I press my finger against the doorbell, the heat from the adrenaline of running slinks
up on me like a rash. Em's mom opens the door, a tissue in her hand and her eyes puffy and red. She
says nothing but motions for me to come in closing the door with a soft, Click. I stand there for an
awkward five seconds, glancing around, nervously trying not to pound her with questions. As if reading
my mind her mom wipes at her eyes and motions upstairs.

Shes upstairs? I feel stupid asking since she already sort of told me, but I take her
indecipherable nod as a yes and climb the steps, skipping over half of them in an agitated need to see
her face. She is sitting on her bed, her head propped up by pillows all around her.
Hey Em, whats wrong? I breathe a sigh of relief seeing her. She looks up from her laptop and
smiles.
Hey Danielle, I need to talk to you. Her face is pale and I can feel mine getting warmer in
alarm.
Talk to me then. What's up? I sit down on her bed and she pushes the laptop away and closes
it. Never looking into my eyes. She takes a shaky breath and finally looks at me.
I got my results back from the doctor. A tear rolls down her bleach colored face.
What? When did you go to the doctor? Whats wrong? My throat fills in making my voice
crack and get squeaky. Why is her face so pale?
I didn't want to worry you because I didn't think it was anything at first... She starts to sob,
choking on her words. I hug her, she's trembling as much as I am. I was tested for cancer.
Why didn't you tell me? What kind is it? How bad? A million questions fill my brain and the
confusion alarms me.
Its leukemia and its pretty bad. The doctor says... She chokes on her words and her body has
a spasm and her sobs get more hysterical. A high pitched whir curls up inside my ear. He says I have
about two more months to live. She whispers. Her body is racked in painful choked tears, and I could
tell that she was trying her best to keep it together. My throat thickens and I can't find the words to say
anything.
My body is numb and a shock slaps me in a way I've never felt before. Like when ice is dumped
on you and you cant seem to move for a minute. I feel like I should cry or say something, but she just
hugs me, shaking. Nothing seems an appropriate way to comfort her. She is sobbing, arms tangled
around my neck. I never want to let her go. I stroke her hair, untangling it with my fingers trying to

think of something I can do. Something to kill this pain in my chest.

Why didn't you tell me you were tested for cancer? I ask again. I want to be upset at her, but it
is impossible to with trembling.
I didn't want to worry you. A new round of tears start and I finally give in, unable to keep
back my panic back any more.
***
Danielle, I need to have a talk with you, something is going on with Emily, Her mom pulls
me into the hallway, her eyes are bloodshot. The hospital goes seemingly goes silent.
Maybe it's just another nightmare I tell myself over and over again. So many mornings I wake
up, shaking, with the words ringing in my mind, Shes dead. It takes me a moment to process that she
isnt dead and that it was only a dream. They all seem so real. I close my eyes, and give a countdown in
my head, one, two, three, and open them, there she was still standing right there, this. isnt. a.
nightmare. Its real.
Emilys transplant isn't working. Her eyes fill with tears.
Wait what? The doctors said that it was a high chance that she would accept the new bone
marrow! Alarm pulsates through my blood like a lightning.
I know, but they say that the cell is still reproducing the leukemia, and its aggressive. Thats
the exact wording he used. Her face is dead serious. I wait a second, wishing her face to crack and
punch my arm gently and say, Just kidding, shes totally fine, and the doctors say shell be out by
Monday. But it doesnt come. Her eyes are the same color as Emilys and drill into me and they are
saying, This is really serious. I feel a little dizzy, and steady myself against an IV rack. I managed to
ask,
"What now?"
"The doctors are concerned, more chemo, possibly radiation. Her voice trembles slightly as
she says radiation. It reeks of power, and a nauseating lurch in my stomach gives me an instant

headache.
Radiation!? This day couldnt get any worse. I try to hold back my tears, and let my face
crush into my hands.
"Isnt that what they do when they can't really do anything else? My heart starts doing a tap
dance, the kind that makes you feel like throwing up and screaming at the same time. She nods softly,
her buoyant caramel colored hair bouncing as she swipes at her eyes with the palm of her hand. Terror
flashes through me, and that lump returns again. I can feel the hot tears sting my face, they are raw
from crying and the moisture burns them. Why would God let something like THIS happen to someone
so sweet? She never did anything!
I-I have to go. I grab my purse and push open the doors to the hospital and the cool autumn
air dries the steady stream of moisture. Mom beeps the horn on the rundown teal car that sits like a
bucket of bolts on the curb. I climb into the back seat and slam the door shut, not saying anything to
mom, or Jacob, or God. Just staring out the window at a snowflake that teeters down from the sky and
lands on the pavement, melting on the cemented hospital parking lot.
***
Our heads are both hairless. I'd do anything for her. It creates this warm floating feeling in my
chest to know that I'm supporting her. She isn't alone in this. I will be standing by her. She'd do the
same for me. We sit around her table with a journal and hot chocolate, with the school year starting and
in Oregon the air is cool through most of the year. We laugh, and I need to soak her up. Remember her
in case something terrible happens. So many people have survived this. I will survive it with her. If she
is gone, what am I? We have researched everything we can about this cancer that's killing her inside.
What else can I do? We are together for now. I need to be strong.
Danielle Can I ask you a favor? She looks at me, her startling blue eyes reflect the sunlight
coming in from the window. My ears perk up at the sound of a chance to help her.
Sure anything for you. I stare at her, my eyebrows knitting together in anticipation, my breath

wedged in my lungs.
Would you visit the places we grew up in? Even if I go away I want to see you happy again
youve been amazing Danielle its just I know Im hurting you. I dont like seeing you depressed. I
want to see you smiling again. She looks down at the table, picking off blue nail polish on her thumb.
Shes concerned about me? Im not the one dying. I manage a smile, but it feels wrong.
Where? Like the beach?
Yah the beach, but more than just that. To our old forts and to that canyon and the place we
buried stickers and stuff in a box. Would you do it for me? Bring back pictures and stuff?
You know Id do anything for you. I feel concentration knot in my throat.
Danielle listen. I'm not going to make it. The doctors say that the leukemia is very aggressive.
You need to promise me that when I'm gone you will still visit those places. So you never forget me.
O-of course. My voice trembles. But you aren't going to go. She doesnt respond for a
minute, and there is another episode of noiselessness.
Also promise me that if I go, you'll visit those places, and...Bring a new person with you. I
don't like the thought of you being there by yourself. Seems lonely. Her face scrunches up. Its not a
Thats gross expression, but its a blissful look. Like shes saying Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo and my
frown is instantly gone.
We are starting a journal. Remembering everything we've done together. All of those fuzzy
memories. She will tell me about her favorite, I'll write them down and she will sketch pictures. Of our
snowball fights, wave racing, us climbing the lighthouse. In all of the pictures she has drawn our heads
smooth. But it makes the picture beautiful somehow. Its comforting in a way to see her happy.
Laughing with me. The vibrant colors unaffected by that lump in everyone's throats. I won't let her go.
Its not humanly possible for me to let her go. Because we are intertwined with each other. Nothing can
separate us. Not even death.

Chapter 2:Danielle

Just keep me breathing, keep me living,

I can't let you go,
Dream with me, your colors weaved in dancing.
We'll sing, our words flow.

She looks scared. Her face is pale, and her smile dulled. I can feel the tension strung tight over
the room, it increases my shaking. The tiles on the hospital floor are shined with that hospital cleaner
that gives it that haunting scent. I grasp at my dog-eared notebook until my knuckles are white. I can't
stand seeing her like this. I can't put words to this terrible feeling inside of my chest and it scares me.
What would my life be with a piece of me gone? The scan has already confirmed my worst fears. The
cancer is spreading, and rapidly. Only one more month. She could be gone in one month. Her once long
hair has been shaved short and she wears a baseball cap that she is letting people sign their names on
and other encouraging words. She looks so brave and beautiful. Her face white and smooth, her lips in
a half forced smile. The doctor comes out with a clip board, his face knotted in concentration as he
studies the chemo report, a worried twist of concern evident on his grayed face.
The chemo is doing its job... The only problem is that the leukemia is so aggressive, the cancer
cells keep multiplying and returning even after the chemo kills it. The marrow transplant failed. If
worse comes to worse, we could do radiation, but there isn't much else we can do if those don't work.
He takes a deep breath and I can't feel any real emotion in his voice. Just a rugged shredded feeling that
says he's seen people die every day from this kind of thing. He cares... But not enough for my liking.
Isn't there any way we could... Her mom tries to put words to it but there isn't anything she
can say, because there isn't anything she or the doctors can do. She just bursts into sobs, trying to keep
it together for her daughter's sake and mine, but she isn't able to. Emotion courses through the room.

Emily's face is blank, but I can see that what the doctor has said clicked in her brain.
This is a real problem. We could get all of the cancer out, but it wouldn't help any because it
will keep returning. He purses his lips and says nothing else. He's gotten his message across. We dont
need to hear the inevitable. Everyone's face is washed of emotion. Just pasty stares and distraught facial
expressions meet my needy gaze. This raw helpless exposed feeling is unexplainable. Not even the best
pen could describe this tempest inside of me. Cancer. I hate cancer. I hate chemo, I hate the doctors for
doing nothing, and I hate God for staring at us from the sky and handing us life and saying, Good
luck, you won't survive. But just in case I will watch you. I pray like it can do something but silence
meets my prayer. Dead sound. He's gone. I stare at Em. She is so... peaceful. It seems wrong for her to
be so brave when she is the one dying. The world is cruel. Something different than that fairy tale play
land we used to live in. She is dying. That's something you never hear in the story books.
***
Time seems to drag itself out, weeks pass slowly, I go to school, head towards the hospital
where Emily is now staying, I stay the night every once and a while and then go to school the next day.
I sit at my key board, tapping the keys gently, trying to think of a good update for my non-exsistent
blog readers. What can I tell them? That I have hope? That things are looking up? I sigh frustrated and
give the usual blog post.
Dear Readers,
It's 10:46 Saturday, and I really haven't done much out of the normal. I went to school, got my
2nd doc, but I really dont care. Ive been under a lot of stress lately, and I dont really care about
school much anymore. Also, my teachers give me docs for doing barely nothing and they dont take into
count that Im annoyed. I erase annoyed and write confused? I click the back space button rapidly
till that last word disappears again. I chew my lip trying to think of the word. Depressed? Freaked out?
Heartbroken. I guess thats the word. The doctors are going to do some more tests to see if its best to
do radiation or if that would even do anything. I will keep you updated. I publish the post and log out

of my account, slipping my laptop under my bed and slide under my bed covers still wearing my jeans
and sweatshirt. The picture on my side table glints with light reflected from the lighthouse that flashes
gently a block or so down the street. I turn over on my other side, and count the flashes until I fall
asleep, to a world where Emily is actually okay, and I dream that we are able to laugh about something
again.
***
Emily is dead.
What? What happened?
She died last night. The doctors tried to save her. Shes go
The bus will be gone if you dont start getting ready for school! Mom opens the door and it
slams against the wall behind it. I sit up, breathing hard, and I realize I must have been crying in my
sleep, because my face is wet. I wipe my face of with the edge of my bed sheet, my nightmares getting
steadily worse. More realistic and livening up my fears, raising the stakes as the timer clicks slowly
down wards, and Im just waiting for it to run out of time.
***
I wonder what its like to know youre going to die in the next few days. A deep unseated nerve
is pinched on my spine. Almost two months of the heart wrenching chemo draws near me like a
monster in the dark finally coming into the light. I don't want to think about it. But I can feel the
emotion pulse through the room like a breeze anytime I am around her. Cant we just be normal
together again? Not have any thought in our minds about chemo or how uncomfortable IVs are? I sit
on her bed and we read the notes on her hat for the 4th time that day, the words calming the turmoil a
little. She takes a deep breath.
When I first found out about the cancer. She pauses and takes another deep breath, her eyes
cloud a little. I felt as if when I'm sewing, the string I'm using to sew with has been cut. I can't finish
what I started. The thread is too short to tie off and all I have worked on will unravel. I was afraid I'd

never feel the wind blow my hair again, that I'd never see my brother grow up. I'd never feel the mist of
the rain on my face or see the sun rise again. Never feel the sting of a snowball. She smiles a little but
then looks into my eyes. I can see something I've never noticed before. That pain. The pain in her eyes.
Its unmistakable now that I know, and it stabs at my chest. But I'm not afraid anymore. She stares at
the hospital bed sheet. The doctors have decided to keep her at the hospital with the estimated day
approaching closer. Thank you Danielle. For everything you've done. She smiles, it lights up her
face, it lights up the room.
'I haven't done anything!' I want to scream. I've just been a bump on a log riding this wave with
her. I stare at our almost completed journal at the watercolor painting of the two of us in a hot air
balloon. The wind blowing at our faces, our eyes closed as we float calmly over the lighthouse. She's
done everything for me. What can I do for her? Nothing. I can't do anything. Tears gather in my eyes
and I just sob. I'm so useless.

Chapter 3:Danielle
Darkness creeps on stealthy feet,
It curls whispering lies,
No more joy, only defeat
No more dreaming to fly.

I lay awake on my bed, sleep doesn't come very quickly to me, it usually takes several hours for
me to drift into a deep sleep. I turn on my side, the blankets are hot and wrapped around my legs. My
phone rings, the tone reminds me of popcorn. I fumble for my phone, slightly annoyed that someone
would be calling me at 1:36 in the morning. It's Emily's mom.
H-hello? My voice is slurred with sleep.
Hey Danielle, sorry for waking you. I... Emily got worse. She's in ICU. The doctors are
thinking about having to put her on life support. They think... She isn't expected to live through the
night. Her voice shudders, pain weaved in with her words.
O-okay I'll be there as soon as I can. Same hospital? I slip out of my bed as I speak.
Yes same hospital, but they moved her to a room on the second floor. I'll be waiting for you in
the lobby. She hangs up without even saying goodbye. I toss the phone on the bed, stumbling down
the dark hallway into mom's room, wondering how on earth I'll say goodbye.
***
***DEATH SCENE FROM NOTEBOOK***
***
I curl up on my bed and try to shut out the light. I don't want to go not now. Not now that my
life is destroyed. I try to block out the sound of my blaring alarm that won't shut up. I fumble bleary
eyed to my phone and swipe the screen in mid ring. That ever present lump has become lodged in my
throat permanently now. It hurts. I wipe the sleep out of my eye with the back of my hand, trying to

muster the courage to get out of bed. Standing up, the mattress squeaks under the sheet, and I head for
the bathroom, my head pounding, dizzy from standing up so quickly. I guess that Im living in a world
of wishing, wanting now. The sun is bright and it seems to mock me, smiling at me in my sorrow, and
blinding me till I pull down the shades. It leaves a green cloudy blob over my vision that I blink away.
My stomach is knotted, I feel like throwing up. My whole body shudders, my legs shaking so hard I
almost fall over. There is no way Im going to school today. Breaking down by the bathroom door and
crying is really all I want to do right now. Just sit and cry forever. That hostile feeling fills my chest
again, that hallucinated panic that screams inside of me and from all sides, telling me that she is gone. I
want to ignore it. Not believe the truth. But the sickening feeling deep down tells me that it's true. She's
gone, and there is no way for me to bring her back. I stumble out of the bathroom and dress in jeans
and a tee shirt. The normal me. The way I was when she was here. I don't want to forget her.
***
She's gone. Panic climbs up my throat and my insides are screaming at me. The world seems a
darker place than it did when we were little. I have experienced pain, and I can't explain it but I feel as
if shes still there. That she is going to sit down beside me at lunch and we will laugh about this big
dream as if it never happened. I can't seem to get her off of my mind. The seat beside me is a tomb. The
lunch room lost its happy care-free sound replaced with stale noise. I almost wish that someone would
sit down in the seat, give me a hug and tell me that its alright, that things can only get better. But
nobody comes, the seat stays silent, the room stays unknowing, my arms still cold. The bell rings,
stating the fact that 3rd period will be starting in 5 minutes. I grab my uneaten lunch and throw it away
then head towards my locker to get my notebooks. Writing is the best part of today. My characters
listen to me talk, they understand me. Because they are my fantasized people. The people who know
what to say to me, calm the storm. Emily is still there in my writing. How can I go to class without
Emily being there? The words they are soothing, like old friends. They speak gently to me, and they
care. They cool me off. I could use some calming down. She's been gone for two weeks now. Mom

says I should be over it by now. Little she knows.

The writing classroom is filled with its average amount of people. A few girls sit in their friend
groups whispering like usual. They don't care about me. I sit down at one of the tables with the least
amount of people and open my notebook reading some of my poems that have kept me company this
past week. The teacher looks up from her notes and stares at the class, warning them to stop talking and
they do.
Okay everyone. Today we are doing group writing again as we will do each class for the rest of
the semester. Go ahead and get into your assigned groups and begin by working on the writing
worksheet that will be on the projector. She begins fiddling with her laptop until a projection of the
exercise comes up, shining on the white screen. I don't move, while the other teens start shuffling
around to get into the groups. I realize with a pang of loneliness that I don't have a partner anymore.
I heard about Emily. The writing instructor walks over to the table where Im sitting and
looks down at me, her glasses practically sliding off of her face.
I... I don't want to cry in front of my teacher so I snap my jaws shut and squeeze my fists
under the table. She looks at me sympathetically and I can tell that my mind has been read and that she
understands what I'm trying to say.
I'm so sorry honey. Do you want to talk about it? She wouldn't understand. I shake my head.
Well then I will get you another partner. Since we had an odd amount of students, you can have the
extra kid. This is about writing partners? How can she be so... un-human! I can feel the heat in my
face, but I bite back the urge to scream at her. Just calm down. She doesnt know anything. She stands
up, looks at me like I'm a lost puppy and strides across the room, not showing any emotion. I stare
vacuously down at my notebook again. I don't want a new partner. I don't want someone prodding
around in my life. Sean! She trills. Danielle will be your partner! Her voice reminds me of a
marker that is about to be dead. Dry and squeaks over the page. Acid fills my throat. Sean Thomson. I'd
had a crush on him since 3rd grade. He stands up and walks over to the table where I'm sitting and sits

down in Emily's chair. I take a shaky breath, not knowing what to say to fill in the awkward silence.
Should we start? He asks. I nod. He shuffles in his backpack for his notebook and I search for
a pen. I heard about your friend... He says cautiously. I appreciate the sincerity in his voice and the
fact that he doesn't look at me like I'm a person to take pity on. Do you want to talk about it?
N-not really... I stare at my notebook again. Why do people keep asking me that?
I'm really sorry. I can tell that he means it. I know what it feels like to feel alone. I wonder
what he means by that.
Its fine, what else can I say? An awkward silence.
So whats your book about? He finds a black notebook and sets in on the table opening it up
to a page, the margins on the sides covered in random designs and pictures. They are mostly
undefinable, but I can make out a few odd objects on the notebook such as a shoe, or a soda can, etc.
I'm not really sure yet. I started but... I'm probably going to do something e-else. My voice
trembles but he doesn't seem to notice and if he did, he didn't show it. Maybe I'm just being selfconscious.
I've started over already several times so we will both be on the same track. He smiles
showing a row of slightly crooked white teeth. Do you have any ideas that you could start with? So we
can do the assignment? I like how he says we, not you.
Not really... I pause, chewing on the clicky part of my pen and looking down at the table,
wishing class to be over. Wishing this awkward conversation to be over.
Well what do you like to write? He runs his hand over his dark hair making it stick up. I resist
the urge to push it back down.
I like poetry but since this is a novel writing class I can't just write poems. That must sound
stupid to him.
Okay I get it... Um... his face is knotted in deep concentration.
Do you like writing? I ask, trying to steer away from another awkward silence.

Yes,
What genre do you write?
Research,
You like writing reports?
Yes, I like writing stuff that happened, not in fictional voices though. Just facts,
Thats strange. I say, then realize that was probably rude. Uh Whats your report about? I
ask, taking away that awkward feeling in my chest that comes when Im talking.
Its not a report.
Whatever. I huff, Whats the thing youre writing about uh about?
Im having the same problems as you. I think of a good idea, then bail from it when I think of
something that would be more interesting or I just get plain bored. He closes the notebook on the
table. The table shakes a little, and Sean winces a little.
Is something w-wrong? Concerned I bend a little closer to him. His face twists a little, and
then gives me a forced smile.
Y-yah it's fine, I have a bit of a head ache. He says quickly and then starts talking about some
of the things he'd started and then start. Its actually quite helpful. Its sweet that he cares about helping.
He could be almost done with the assignment by now. We chat for the rest of the hour until the
projector slides up and the exercise is done. The teacher gives us some examples of what we should
have accomplished in the project and has a few enthusiastic students read their short pieces the hour is
over.
Thanks for helping me. I mean it.
Youre welcome. It was nice to actually talk about writing instead of listening to those girls
talk about random crap that had nothing to do with anything. He motions his head towards a group of
blonds smiles again, See you Wednesday...
Danielle.

Okay, see you Wednesday.

***
Mrs. Cimberly, can I talk to you for a minute? I pull her aside before I leave the classroom.
Yes dear, make it quick, my next class will be here in five minutes. She shuffles some pages
and retracts the projector screen.
I dont want to take much of your time, but would it be at all possible for me to not have a
partner at all? I dont like the questions, the uncomfortable silences, and the pain of knowing that
Emily is being replaced.
Im sorry, you must have a partner for the semester to be completed successfully, She smiles
and then turns around.
C-could you get me a new partner then? I try to make my eyes big and innocent, wishing it
worked as well on her as it did Mom.
So you want to switch partners? She looks confused. Whats so confusing about that?
Yes. As soon as possible.
Why? Sean will help you get writing done, he loves it and has great ideas.
Please?
Oh alright. When a spot for a switch comes I will swap them around. It might take a while
but Ill do it as fast as I can.
Thank you.

Chapter 4:Sean

The room is black, and I hear the garage open. It creaks, slowly, and the car rumbles inside it.
My fingers pry the shades on my window open, just a crack, the light burning my eyes, but allowing
me to see that hes gotten out of the car. And hes coming. My chest is pounding, and I twist the lock on
the door, knowing it wont do anything. My arm grazes the side of the closet door, and I desperately try
to hide, knowing its fruitless. He knows Im here. The door downstairs swings open, banging against
the wall behind it sending reverberating shivers down my spine. A slurred voice yells up the stairs and I
hear his footsteps. Closer and closer, a smashing sound fills my ears.
Sean! A bang on my door. The doorknob rattling, the sound of a screwdriver scraping against
the metal. Scraping softly. Slowly. And the door slams open. I see through the crack on the closet door
that he is looking under the bed and in the bathroom that is connected to my room. Sean! I told you
that you were supposed to put away your things, not just dump them for a guy to trip over! The closet
door swings open, and he grabs my shirt collar and yanks my out with one of his huge fists, and pulls
me to my feet. Pain fills my consciousness as the fist I wasnt watching slams against my ribs. I fall to
the floor, unable to keep standing when he drops me, the door slams behind him. I hear Anna shriek in
the hallway, a sickening crack, nausea and dizziness torrent me, and Anna comes in, shes crying.
Are you okay Sean? she is holding a bag of frozen peas that she places against my chest,
gingerly trying to pull me into a sitting position.
Yeah, Im fine. Im fine.
It looks like you are going to have a pretty big bruise. Going to be hard to cover that one up.
She pulls the bag away and looks into my eyes, a black and blue marbled welt rising from her jaw.
He hit you too? I press the bag against her chin. She nods slowly.
Listen Sean, we have to tell mom about whats going on. She has to know.
Anna, wed be better off just asking dad to punch us. We may not even live if we told

someone. Hes dangerous. Dont even think about telling anybody. I pull her into a hug, her shoulders
protruding into my neck. She nods wiping tears off of her face.
No, no we cant tell anyone. I just wish that we werent so helpless. She looks over my
shoulder. Moms home. Her whisper tickles my ear. She stands up running to the bathroom, grabbing
the bottle of concealer off of the counter and dabs it against the bruise so that it no longer shows. Mom
knew that dad often stumbled home from work drunk pretty much every day. I guess he never really
worked. Whod accept him? Mom had two jobs that she was holding down. It just made me so mad.
Why did she stay married to that guy?
Anna come help me with the groceries! I hear a muffled call from downstairs.
Cover it before mom comes up. She whispers again to me and then runs downstairs to help
mom. I wonder how it came to this. We used to be a happy family. Until that one day that dad came
home, drunk. And hed hit us. We didnt know what to do, so Anna and I tried to cover it because hed
threatened us, saying if wed told anyone it would be over. Maybe having it over would be better than
this. But if Id told anyone, Anna would be all alone. Because I wouldnt probably be here anymore. I
couldnt leave her here.
I ask myself the same question every day, What did I ever do to make him that mad? I try so
hard to not upset him. I do everything he says, but Im only 15, I cant do everything right. There is
never a legitimate reason. Its always something stupid like I forgot to put away my jacket or didnt
mow the lawn. Why should he get that mad? Those things dont even effect anything in his world, he
just comes home, and passes out on the couch after hes done yelling at me, or if hes in a good mood,
not even coming up to my room at all. He really couldnt care less if the lawn is mowed, I pull myself
up, leaning against the bed, my body shuddering, the pain ripping all the way from my waist to my
neck. My stomach lurches, and I run into the bathroom, puking in the sink, the feeling still filling my
stomach. I stare at myself in the mirror, black circles under my eyes, a scar rips against my right arm,
whole body shuddering, my ribs throbbing, my heart beating against inflamed skin. So many lies.

Chapter : Danielle
The world spins and I spin with it,
Just this merry go round of life,
I'm sinking down. I'm falling in,
This world has lost its light.

I sit exasperated on my bed, paper and books crammed all around me. If only there were
something to fill in this loneliness. But I don't want Emily's memory gone. She's still there somehow.
My ear buds buzz our favorite song a tear runs down my face because I can't help but thinking of her
with her singing this song and dancing around in her pajamas with Jacob's makeup job smeared all over
her face. My throat clogs up again. Just one more reminder that she's not here. The person I could feel
comfortable talking to, the one who could always make me laugh, or make me do something crazy. I
change the song again with a tap of my nail on the phone, the screen saver is when we were at the
beach and she pushed me into the water. We are sitting there. Just laughing. About nothing at all, just
normal girls having fun. She's gone. I turn my music off, put my phone on sleep mode and slam my
book shut, sobbing. The place feels haunted without her here. My face is wet. She should be here. But
she's not. I'm alone. I am alone. I don't have anybody anymore. I'm alone.
Jacob is standing in my doorway. How long he's been there I don't know. I want to tell him to
go away, but I don't have the heart to. He looks really upset. I wipe my tears and try to recover.
C-come on in. I stack some books so he has a square foot of space to sit down on. Whats
wrong? His face is concerned. I can read his eleven year old mind easily.
A-Adam took m-my lunch and said I was a f-freak and, and said t-that all of my f-friends don't
like m-me. His lip quivers and he buries his face into my shoulder. I stoke his hair gently patting it so
that it sticks up less than it usually does. He sits up a little, his face flushed from crying. He glances
down at my books and pretends to act interested in them. Obviously waiting for me to tell him to go out

of my room or to get off of my bed.

Why did Adam say those things? I ask not really knowing what else to say to him.
Because I told him I wasnt going to give him my food. He sniffles and swipes his tears away
with the back of his hand. He took it anyways and I saw him dump it in the trash a few minutes later.
Im sorry. Did you get something to eat? I feel like I need to talk to someone and he is the
only one really willing to talk about something other than how sorry he is for me. At least he doesnt
bring up that sensitive topic.
Yeah, Keith shared with me. He mutters as if that is something to be ashamed of but I dont
push it.
Tomorrow is Friday, almost the weekend. My voice sounds like gravel and I manage a weak
squeeze on his arm. He gives me the Thanks that helps a lot look.
What should I do Dannie? He looks pleadingly at me.
Dont call me that.
Okay, what should I do? He lifts his left eyebrow in annoyance.
Just pack an extra lunch. I look at him quizzically wondering if he takes the idea or not.
Apparently he does because all he says is Whatever and crawls off of my bed.
Close my door. I yell down the hallway. His arm appears and the door shuts. I turn on my
phone again, checking for texts. None. What did I expect? I shut my eyes and try to block out life.
***
Come on up! She holds a hand down to me and I take it, her firm hand pulling me into her
wonderland. The wind blows softly at our long hair, and I soak in the soft petals. She stretches out up
on a branch and reaches for the sky, a pink blossom falling into her hands, the petals intertwining
around her fingers. We sit in the blizzard of pink petals and the sun sets on us. Perfectly happy, if only
I had known.

***
Have you figured out what youre writing yet? Sean draws a variation of a stick man on each
page of his notebook then flips through it giving it movement.
Not yet.
Do you have any ideas yet? He stops flipping through the notebook and keeps it open on a
blank page.
A few. I'm debating between writing an everyday story or a sci-fi.
Every day as in your life, or just the life of a character. He pulls out a red pen and begins
filling the margins of the new page.
I never thought of doing a story about me. I don't really have an interesting life. I click my
pen in and out.
What about your friend? Can he be serious?
I-I guess... I have a feeling that would be hard. Too hard. I'm not one to shy away from a
challenge. But this is different. There is another one of those long silences that I hate. Suddenly my
peeling nail polish is interesting.
Her name was Emily right? He looks sincere. I nod.
'You can't cry now. Get it together.'
Write about her.
'Just stop talking about it. Just stop. Please just stop.'
You could base a whole story about her. He begins scribbling vigorously in his notebook
again, then looks at me again. You don't have to do that. Its just a suggestion. Silence again.
O-okay. Thanks for the idea. My voice trembles again. We work the rest of the hour in
silence.
'Write about Emily?' I miss her so much. Can she have only been gone 2 weeks? Feels like
forever. But it's real. And that's what makes it unbearable. This isn't a dream.

***
'Write about Emily.' This is too hard. Too soon. 'Write about her.' I plug in my hard drive and the
laptop responds with a ding. I open a word document, the cursor flashes. Waiting for me. I tap my
fingers on the keyboard and bite on the side of my tongue. Nothing comes to me. I huff, frustrated and
open up the internet and check for emails. None. I can hear mom downstairs making dinner. I haven't
seen Jacob all day. He must have gone to his friends house or something. I shut the lid of the laptop
and open my journal.

Today Sean suggested that I write about Emily. It feels wrong. Not good timing for it. She's been
gone for only two and a half weeks now. I know I should go to those places we visited. I haven't even
started yet. I can't even look at that journal. It's haunting. I know I should to make right of what she
wanted me to do. She said for me to bring someone with me to those places. I don't have any friends...
Except for Sean but he is more of a partner. Should I get him to go with me? Who else would I ask? I
only met him a few days ago.. Is it too soon to try?
I grab my laptop again and attempt writing something but it fails.
***
The wind blows my hair towards the sun, the red snarled curls tangle with the horizon. She
places her soft head on my shoulder, and the sun slowly being swallowed by the waves finally
disappears, leaving the two of us with a pink water colored glow that reflects off of the silky waves. We
sit there, lost in the beauty as a few dusty stars blink above us in the darkening sky. A firefly flickers it
light, slowly on and off, the diamonds of light sparkling in Emily's blue eyes. More of the blinking little
pearls shine over the sand. The air is sweet and humid with the smell of the waxy grass that blows
around in the thick breeze. It whispers. Soft little hushed voices that sing to us. The world watches us,
and we watch the waves, and the waves watch the sun, and the sun that had sunk under the waves

leaves us with a painting of light.

Chapter : Sean

I expect him to come in the room any minute, the dark swallowing me, trapping me, and I can't
move. Moths fill my stomach, my chest is sore, and now it's also my shoulder. It's amazing how fast
that guy can inflict pain. At least he didn't hit Anna this time. The last thing I want is for her to be hurt
too. Mom is home, and he hasn't ever done anything while she was here. I roll over, grabbing the glass
of water from the side table, I let the cool water burn my throat, and dab a bit against the purple bruise
on my shoulder. The room is dark, my thoughts are filled with fear. Why am I this way? Is he mad at
me for some reason? I never did anything to hurt him. There was a soft knock on the door.
C-come in. I grab a shirt and slip it over my head. Oh its you. I thought you were mom. I
watch Anna crawl onto my bed tucking her long legs underneath her.
I've been thinking Sean, I'm old enough to move out now. She whispers, her blond hair
swishing down to her waist is fading into the darkness, all I can see is her pale face with a black splotch
feathered over her jaw. Like in a week.
An, you can't leave me, how will I deal with dad all by myself? I feel a lump rising in my
throat, and the idea hurts more than my bruises.
I don't know, but I can't live this way anymore. Just waiting to be hurt. She takes a deep breath
and then exhales, I know its selfish of me. But I don't know what to do. I don't know. her eyes fill
with tears. I-I don't want to leave you but what else can I do?
Anna, you told me you'd always be here for me. You promised if you were going to move out
you'd take me with you.
That was forever ago, and I was younger, I didn't know that I can't just have you move with
me. I'm your sister not a legal guardian. She places her hand against her face. I would if I was
allowed Sean.
Anna, you aren't... You can't just... speechlessness. What can I do to make her stay? She isn't

able to do anything more than I am. But she is my older sister. The one I cry on, the one who knows
what's going on, the one who takes care of me, the only one who really understands. But I don't want
her to get hurt. And she's getting hurt by staying here. Her face is dead serious, and I know that there
isn't anything I can say to keep her here. I nod, my throat filling in so thick that I can't talk, I can barely
swallow.
I'm sorry Sean, I wish I could change this. Her eyes fill with tears. Ill get mom to let you
spend the night as often as possible and you can call me any time, or if dad is being particularly bad.
She squeezes my hand, bitterness filling my throat. I feel so broken, like nothing can fix me. Like I'm
shattered, you can't just use glue. The only comfort I have, is just gone. I understand her reasoning,
why she is doing what she is doing. But can she really just leave me? I guess I'm alone now.

Chapter : Danielle
The birds fly through the clouds,
I write on a page.
They sing sweet and loud,
I cry out in rage.

I stare at the ceiling. The fan clicks repetitively. The wind pounds outside my window and I can
hear the wind whistling around the house. Suddenly she's there. She's standing beside me and we are
laughing about one of our inside jokes. She is talking 100 miles per hour about something and we are
both so... happy. Then she disappears again. Sleep is impossible now a days. I roll on my side, the dark
street out my window glistens wet with slush. Beyond that I can see the dead ghostly lighthouse. Not
moving, not blinking. It's just... dead. Like her. I stand up and grab my boots and pull a jacket on and
slip out of my room, and head through the hallway, cautious not to wake anybody. It's dark but I can
find the door easily and I head outside. The wind is bitter and humid but I slowly go down the
driveway careful to avoid stepping in a patch of ice. I should have grabbed a hat as well.
The street lamps illuminate the sidewalk with honey colored light and makes walking along
seem warmer. I can't stop thinking of Sean's suggestion. Write about Emily. I need to talk to Sean about
visiting my memories. He'd think it was dumb. But who else would I ask? There hasn't been anyone
except for him that is willing to listen and that won't look at me like I'm just someone who needs a
friend.
I walk around the neighborhood, looping my way around back to my house, the palm fronds
covered in soft white fluff. The wind has died down some, but I'm still stiff by the time I get back. I
close the door silently and lock it and head back to my room. I'm going to ask him.

***

My stomach is in knots and nausea threatens to keep me home. The bus ride feels longer than
usual. When it finally pulls up to the school parking lot, I feel like I could puke any second. I try to
keep the feeling down, but it just makes me shake more. Writing is first period. I've already planned out
what I'm going to say, and what he will say back.
'Hey Sean, how's it going?' I'll say.
'Good' He'll say back.
'I need to ask you a favor' I'll be nonchalant and act like its no big deal.
'Okay, what is it?'
The bell rings. First period is starting. I shuffle into the classroom and take sit down at a table.
Alright gather into groups everyone, gosh she's loud. Sean grabs a seat and sits down next to
me and we read the writing exercise on the board. Then we start working. Silence. I can't bring myself
to start talking. You can do it just say hi.
Uh... Hi. Dang it. I'm really smooth.
Hi, He doesn't move much except I can see the sides of his mouth twitching upward.
C-can I ask you a favor? There I said it.
Sure, what's on your mind? He looks up from his scribbling. Dang it. What now?
Uh... Okay this is awkward. Can you meet me in the lunch room so we talk? What? That's
not what I wanted to say!
Sure I can do that. That all on your mind? Tell him about Emily. Come on.
Nope that's it.
Okay.
***
Lunch is looming in the distance. I can't cry, or stutter over my words. Just get to the point. Get
to the point. By the time second period is over, anxiety is lumped up in my stomach and my skin is
crawling with nervousness. I could puke. I sit at a lunch table where Sean can be sure to find me. As

much as I'm dreading it, I need to talk to him. I've never been that great at socializing, but this is really
important.
`

Hey Danielle, Sean comes over to my table and plops a black lunch bag on the table and

unzips it with slowly, like each second hurt.

Hey, My voice is much higher in pitch than normal. What is wrong with me? I-I need
to ask you something. Gosh I said that fast.
Whats on your mind? He asks around a huge bite of sandwich.
Y-you k-now my friend Emily?
Yah, His eyes are trained on me, his interest and concentration fixated on me.
S-she told me before she... I can't do this. She said, keep it together Dannie. She wwanted me to f-find someone w-who would take me t-to the places we u-used to visit and s-stuff. She aactually told me to go there b-before she...before she d-died but we never got to go. Tears threaten to
spill over, and I blink trying to make them leave.
So you want me to go with you? He looks genuinely confused. Did I muddle it up that bad? I
nod, knowing if I say one more word I will start sobbing. Of course I'll do it Danielle, He squeezes
my arm and I can tell he feels uncomfortable. I must have asked too soon. I just met the guy a week
ago. But the thing is, he'll go with me. Act like nothing is wrong. Smile. I manage a pitiful excuse for a
smile, but I feel warm inside. I did it, and he's willing.

***
How was school? Mom asks as she stirs a pot of something. I shed my coat on the chair and
shuffle out of my shoes.
It was fine. I head into the kitchen and grab a banana and head up to my room. Finally I'm
alone. I feel giddy for some reason. Maybe its the relief of the stress of finding someone to take with
me, or that I'm genuinely happy that he said yes. I open my 3 ringed binder and start on the history

outline.
***
I pull the blue hoody over my head, the rain flying down on diamond parachutes. I stuff my
cold, stiff hands into the warm pocket on the front of my jacket, and she does the same.
Danielle, over here. She calls to me, her brown hair dancing on her shoulders. Tennis shoes
splash in the mirrors on the road, wrinkling its image of the gray sky. I run over to her and yank the
hood off of my frizzy head. She points to the sky, where a faint pattern of light and color peek from the
clouds. Every bright color filled that fuzzy little half arch in the sky. It's lovely. She whispers in awe,
as she closes her eyes to soak it all in. She looks like poetry. Her hair floating in soft billows around her
face, eyes closed, big eyelashes with pearls of water on them.
I wish we could keep it from fading. My voice seems foreign, like it doesn't belong to me.
She opens her eyes and looks at me, the rainbow reflecting off of her blue gaze. She sighs and looks
back at the arch again.
I do too. It starts to fade, I blink and its gone.
***
My alarm goes off. It's Thursday. The only day of the week I don't have writing class. I'm feel
relieved that I won't have to talk to Sean about that awkward conversation yesterday, but I'm also
disappointed that we won't be able to find a day to go to one of those places. Maybe I can find him at
lunch. I psych myself up to get out of bed. I slip off the plush comforter and sit up, dangling my legs
off of the side of the bed, the stretch myself out. I stumble into the bathroom, my makeup from the day
before smeared below my eyes, making me look like a goth. I take a shower and get dressed, and head
downstairs. Mom is still here. She must have a snow delay or something. I don't feel like eating this
morning. I know I'll probably regret it in class later today when I get hungry, but who cares? I pull my
backpack over my shoulders, and yell goodbye and slam the screen door behind me. I jog to the stop.
This is the first time I've gotten here early this semester. The snow crunches under my converse and my

still damp hair is probably frozen. The trees vibrant colored leaves are all fallen and the bare branches
are covered in a delicate feathery frost, with clumps of frozen snow clinging to the black bark. I rub my
hands together trying to take away the raw red color. A couple other kids stand at the stop, waiting for
the bus. I finally see it coming and I step on, sling my backpack onto the very back seat on the right.
Nobody sits next to me. I kind of wish someone would. The doors squeal shut and the bus rumbles
down the road. I pull out my homework and mentally go over the problems checking them in my brain
until the school is in sight.
***
I stand up and try to stretch the out stiff muscles on my back. Sitting for an hour
watching how to calculate the cubed root of a number is tiring. The other highschoolers ought to know
this, but they seem genuinely confused even after the hour is up. This is the 3rd time the teacher has had
to explain it. At least its lunch time. I jog through the hallway and throw my stuff into my locker and
walk to the kitchen where I put my lunch. I sit down at one of the tables and start on my sandwich. Sean
walks over to my table and set his bag on the table. He stares at me for an uncomfortable second and
then begins eating a bowl of noodles.
So I was wondering where we are going to go and what day's work for you, He takes
another huge bite, a couple of the long noodles dripping down his chin.
Um... I'm not really sure yet. I was thinking that the beach would be a good place to
start. Wow I said that without stumbling over my words. Since there are a lot of places there like the
lighthouse and stuff.
Oh okay, do you know what day we could go?
N-not really. Urrrggg. My mom has a lot of stuff she's working on so its hard to tell without
asking her.
You have a phone right? He inhales a huge bite that Godzilla couldnt match. I nod.
Here is my number. Text me if you find a day that works for you. I'm pretty much not doing anything

this week. He hands me a piece of paper.

O-okay thanks. I take the paper and slide it into the pocket of my hoody. The clock on
the wall shows that 3rd period will be starting soon.
I'd better go. He stands up and swings his backpack over his shoulder and walks away.
I finish my lunch and head for my next class.
***
Hey mom, I call as I open the door.
Hey honey, how was school?
It was good. I found someone to go with me to those places. I pull off my jacket and
throw it over a chair.
What places? Her eyebrows knitted together. Oh those places Emily said to go to? I
didn't realize you still wanted to do that. Her tone annoys me. Why wouldn't I still want to?
Yeah, well, I found someone to go with me and I need to know if Friday we are doing
anything.
Well, I guess that Friday works. I won't be home, but you can still go dear.
Okay thanks, I mumble and climb the stairs to my room. Jacob comes in literally the
second I sit down. Go out.
Hi,
Come on Jacob I've got stuff to do. I can talk to you later. I unzip my backpack and
ruffle papers to emphasize my point. He still comes in.
I'm not going to go out until you answer my question. Oh my gosh he's annoying.
Okay fine. Make it quick.
I heard you tell mom about finding someone to take you. Who did you get? I wish I
could punch him right now.
I got the person who is my partner in writing class. Now go out.

Whats her name?

HIS name is Sean, now go out.
OOOoooOOOoH. He squeaks. I grab his arm and push him out, locking the door.

Chapter : Sean

A text pops up in my message box, I open it, it's from a number I don't recognize.
'Hey Sean, this is Danielle, my mom said that Friday after school will work. Does that work for
you?' Danielle, that nice girl from school. Her friend died. Right. I feel some sort of connection.
Maybe its pain. We both know it.
'Sure. I can do that. Meet you at your house at 3:30?' I feel nausea creep up in my throat. I feel
like I can relate to this girl. I don't know why I even said yes to her though. She just seamed so broken,
and nobody had ever asked me anything like that before. Nobody had really been willing to just open
up, and be real with me.
'Ok, cu then.' The text bings in my message box. The door smashes against the wall. I didn't
even realize that dad was home. Fear lumps in my throat.
W-what d-do you w-want? the tremors in my voice betray me, like they are screaming, 'He's
freaking out!'
Anna tells me she's moving out. His voice is slurred, and I hope that it's strong enough that
he'll just go into the bedroom and pass out on the bed. You didn't give her the ideaaaa... His voice
trails off and he stumbles out of my room and downstairs. I exhale, grateful that I won't be getting
another grapefruit on my chest today. I grab the unfinished homework, sweat beading against the back
of my neck, whispering a silent thank-you to the air, looking forward to being able to not be home
when dad comes back on Friday afternoon. Maybe do something a normal teenager would do, not
hiding like a scared animal.

Chapter : Danielle

I wish I could join you there,

The wonderland I wholesomely miss,
I know that you dance with no care,
I guess ignorance is bliss.

I start a new text and type in the digits of his number, and start typing.
'Hey Sean, this is Danielle, my mom said that Friday after school will work. Does that work for
you?' I hit send and wait for a message.
'Sure. I can do that. Meet you at your house at 3:30?'
'Okay, cu then.' I hit send.
He doesn't reply back. I pull out my composition notebook and work on my math until Jacob
knocks on the door announcing in a talk show voice that dinner is ready. I stand up and unlock my
door, and head downstairs.
***
The doorbell rings right after I slip on my jacket. I skip steps climbing downstairs. He is
standing on the porch in jeans and a gray sweatshirt.
You ready to go?
Yep. we start down the driveway and walk down the asphalt road towards the corner that
winds its way around down to the beach. There is frost on the ground that snaps as we step on it. It's
going to be pretty stormy down by the beach with the wind whipping the ocean. We turn the corner. I
clutch the journal to my chest as we walk. The sky is gray and stormy and gulls squawk overhead, the

black tips of their wings are the only indication that they aren't part of the sky. I'm reminded of when
Emily took these walks with me. Really every weekend or so. My breath steams in the air and the small
cloud formed floats up to the sky with the others. I'm suddenly aware of another awkward silence, but
it doesn't matter because we are here.
So where should we go first? The wind whips his hair. The thunder of the waves curl its lips
in my ear.
Um... We could walk to the lighthouse.
Okay. I've never been inside one actually. Anticipation lights his eyes.
Really? Okay then we should go there first. Race me? He nods and we tear down the beach.
Freezing cold wind blows my short hair back and he passes me, with ease, then he slows, clutching at
his rib for a second gasping.
Is something wrong Sean? I catch up to him, and he stands straight again.
No, its fine, I get uh... cramps behind my ribs when I run too fast that's...that's all. He runs his
hand through his hair. Lets walk the rest of the way okay?
O-okay if your sure that's all that's wrong.
Yep that's all, finally we reach it, but it takes a long time because we aren't running.
So how do we get in this thing? He stares at white tower and begins circling it till he finds the
door. It's locked.
I know. I've never gone in through that door. I grab at the rungs that act like stairs that stretch
to the top like sideways monkey bars.
Climb it? He looks uncertain. I nod enthusiastically and begin climbing. He grabs on and
begins climbing. The wind fills my thoughts, as I grab the cold metal bars. I reach the top in a few
minutes and slide under the railing, and dust my hands off. He takes longer to climb it than I do since
this is the first time he's ever done it. His face is pretty green by the time he gets to me.
Slide under the bar. I instruct, reaching my hand under the railing. He takes it and pulls

himself up beside me. Afternoon is dawning and pink light fills the tower. I open the glass panel where
the light bulb goes and give it a run over.
Emily and I fixed up this place and started the light up again. I explain. The place fell into
disrepair because nobody needed it anymore.
Oh, I see. This is really amazing up here. He looks wonderingly around and begins circling
the top of it. I flick on a switch that starts up the place.
GAH! The light flashes in his eyes. I forgot that he isn't used to the light it emits. Emily knew
when I was going to turn it on even before I did it so she knew to turn around. I shut it off for a second,
and he blinks rapidly. The dust that settled on the bulb burns off in a choking burnt feathery smell.
Sorry, I am sorry, but I can't help laughing. I'm going to turn it back on again okay?
O-okay.
I flick it back on, and the sun begins to set.

Chapter : Sean

Yesterday was Anna's birthday. That means she's leaving. That means I'm basically alone. She
has already packed, mom has helped her find an apartment way on the other side of town, like it's thirty
minutes from here. I guess she wanted to be as far away as possible from this house. Her room is
empty, she and mom are looking at the apartment across town, and I'm dreading when dad becomes
sober enough to come in here and give me another, fresh set of punching. Because that's just what I
need right now. I'm supposed to be over at Danielle's in an hour. I can't really go right now. I have a lot
of homework right now. And if I show up early that would be awkward... or weird or something. Anna
didn't even hug me. I guess that she's busy. It hurts still. I hear the footsteps on the stairs, closer and
closer, and I close my eyes, waiting for the licking I'm sure to get.
***
I walk over to Danielle's using the aid of my GPS. The air is bitter, nipping at my face, my arm
has a fresh bruise over it as well as my ribs. And they feel like fire, a pukish feeling settles under my
tongue. I suck in the salty Oregon air, forcing my food to stay down, trying to keep my body from
visibly shaking. Her house comes into sight. I unlatch the gate, and ring the door bell and she appears,
her face reminds me of something warm. I love the feeling it gives me, like when you drink coffee and
you can feel its warmth spreading across towards your finger-tips.
You ready to go? I ask, pushing my cold hands into the pocket of my gray hoody.
Yep, she beams, and my chest flutters. We start walking, not saying anything to each other.
The street is a soggy gray color, a slight drizzle fills my ears, the enhanced scent of the world filling my
senses. The sand comes into view, the ocean just beyond it, a dusty blue color, the birds ahead
squawking obnoxiously.

So where should we go first?

Um... We could walk to the lighthouse. A sad look of recollection passes over her.
Okay. I've never been inside one actually.
Really? Okay then we should go there first. Race me? I nod, instantly concerned about my
bruises. Hoping that they don't hurt much. I guess I'm running with my legs not my arm or chest. She
laughs and starts running, and I do too, just like friends who knew each other longer than just two
weeks. My body twists violently to the side, and I try not to cry out, the pain making worms bore into
my vision.
Is something wrong Sean? She catches up to me, concern written across her face.
No, its fine, I get uh... cramps behind my ribs when I run too fast that's...that's all. That's a
lame excuse. Can I not really think of anything better? Lets walk the rest of the way okay?
O-okay if your sure that's all that's wrong.
Yep that's all, I'm grateful for no more questions asked. This is harder than I thought it would
be. Finally the tall paper towel roll shaped building comes closer.
So how do we get in this thing? I walk around it until I find a little door. I pull the handle It's
locked.
I know. I've never gone in through that door. She grabs at the side of the lighthouse. She's got
to be kidding. I can't climb that with my shoulder killing me. She can't know that.
Climb it? I can't do that. She just laughs and begins to climb. I take a deep breath, wishing
that I could make up some excuse to not do this. She can't hear me all the way up there. Geeze she
climbs fast. I grab onto one of the bars, pain ripping at my arm, and then with my other arm. Relief that
it is cooled, not burning with pain. I grit my teeth, counting the bars left to climb. Five, four, three
more, two, one.
Slide under the bar. She reaches down and yanks on my bad arm and pulls me up, and I can
feel tears starting to gather in my eyes, the pain is so intense. I wipe it off while she is circling the light.

Emily and I fixed up this place and started the light up again. She grabs at a box on a panel near the
lightbulb. The place fell into disrepair because nobody needed it anymore.
Oh, I see. This is really amazing up here. She flicks a switch on the panel. GAH! The light
burns into my eyes, giving me a head ache, and the nausea gets more intense, and the height doesn't
help at all. But the ocean is choppy, the smell is soft, the sand blows into drifts far below us.
Sorry, She's laughing, it's squeaky and kinda cute. Sounds like a chime. I'm going to turn it
back on again okay?
O-okay.
She switches the thing on again and I sigh, thankful to be away from dad, even for such a small
amount of time.
***
Hey Sean is that you dear? Mrs. Cimberly.
Yeah it's me, did I do something wrong on the assignment?
No, nothing like that dear, I just wanted you to know that you have a new partner for the rest of
the semester, it's that new kid, Collin.
W-what? Why would I be getting a new partner? Danielle is a great partner. My world closes
in.
Danielle was talking to me the other day asking for a new partner. She was practically begging
me. I thought that you were in on it as...
No, I never knew that she'd even asked. My voice starts to get sticky. Why am I so upset
about this?
Well I just wanted you to know. I'll see you Monday Sean, take care. Click. She's gone. I
throw the phone across the room, it lands in a basket of Anna's laundry she promised to get out of here.
Why did she ask for a new partner? Am I just not good enough for anyone or something? I thought that
we were friends. I thought I actually had a friend. Now I'm stuck. Nobody to talk to, nobody to just be

able to hang out with, no way to get away from my nightmarish life, no person to pretend to be. I bury
my head into my hands, wishing that I were different, that I didn't drive people away.

Chapter : Danielle

The writing teacher has told me to decide what Im writing. Im taking Seans suggestion. Im
writing about Emily. I have written almost the whole thing. There isnt any way to finish it though. Her
life ended too abruptly. I might just give up. She just...just died. Just like that, poof, gone. There isn't
any way for me to make it end happily because... I'm not happy. There isn't any way for it to end in a
way that doesn't feel like she is just disappeared, just left, just now is...gone. Because she did just,
disappear, just left, and she is gone. She is gone.
***
My history teacher continued his lecture about the psychology in the mind of Robert E. Lee. I
dont see what was so amazing about what he did. But Mr. Phillip acts like it is the most important
thing in the world and he claims that many college students dont know the information hes giving us.
He has a pitchy voice that squeaks up a notch at the end of each sentence creating the effect that he is
constantly confused. And after each sentence he says, Of that nature. Sean and I have gone to almost
all of the places, except for a few. We plan to go to the pond later today. The day is actually passing
fast. I have this light feeling in my chest and the lump in my throat is actually disappearing. A shadow
fills my mind and a weight is settled back down on my shoulders. How can I actually be getting over
it? Parents and teachers and all sorts of people are telling me that I will forget about this, and that in a
couple of years it wont matter a smudge. But I know it always will. I dont want to get over it and
forget. I cant just leave all of her behind me and act like she never existed. Can it really be that I dont
care about her anymore?
Danielle, would you please tell me, when the army first went into battle what you think
Roberts men felt in that nature? He snaps me back into reality and I give him my best answer before
the clock reads 3:00 and I bolt out of my seat and to the lockers. Sean walks up to me, his face twisted.

He looks almost angry.

What is the problem? The fire in his eyes burning.
W-whats going on?
You know what Im talking about.
N-no I dont! Whats wrong?
Why did you ask for a new partner? He breathes, trying to keep his words steady. I'm frozen
in my tracks. I had asked my teacher to switch us at the beginning of the year before I had known how
nice it was to have a person to talk to. Before I knew that it wasn't a replacement, but something that
made me feel complete.
I... I, How can I put this?
Come on, Mrs. Gray told me that you had begged her to switch you with someone as soon as
possible. Now I'm stuck with someone else, probably someone who doesn't who feels like
someone who wants to talk more than write.
Sean, I asked that at the beginning of the year, I don't want that anymore. That lump returns to
my throat.
Why did you want that at the beginning of the year? He is fixated on me, anger flaring up in
his eyes.
I didn't think that this would be a good arrangement. I didn't think that I wanted a new friend, I
felt guilty having someone take Emily's place. And why would you care if we switched? Its not like
you won't have anybody to talk to, you have tons of friends. Don't cry. This isn't a big deal. So what if
he switches?
I don't I dont believe you. I thought that you enjoyed writing and working with me. His
eyes are misty. I've never seen that before in him. Its the strangest thing seeing a guy get so upset that
they look on the verge of tears. Why is he so insecure? Hes not alone.
I love working with you. Why would I have taken you with me to the lighthouse or asked you

to come with me on that hot air balloon ride on Saturday. What I've said has registered in his mind and
his face relaxes for a second, and hardens quickly again.
Come on, if you had gotten a different partner you would have done the same thing. I dont
understand you. He walks away, his steps hurried. I'm alone, again.
Sean, listen to me, I grab his arm, but he glares at me, and rips his arm away and continues to
walk towards the curb where a blond in a greenish blue car waits. She honks her horn impatiently.
Danielle, I've got to go. He runs towards the car and drives off.
***
Where are you? I whisper half to him, half to myself. Still he's not there. Why would a God
who cared leave his children in the dust. Leave them to choke and struggle. The wind wails outside my
window, the snow flying with it, pounding with frost bitten fists on the glass. I feel as if I'll be here
forever. I guess that I must be just like the wind, begging to be let in. I guess that God has human
emotions too. He won't let me in. I'm too cold, too loud, to annoying and I'll just mess everything up,
scatter it around.
I walk over to my window and open it the snow billows in like a fistful of butterflies. It stings
my face and drizzles around me in a frozen whirlwind. I'm still alone. But I'm giving in. I've decided.
God's not there. I've been alone this whole time. It was a nice idea, but a fantasy all the same.
***
I have these fleeting moments of happiness but I feel like she would be upset at me if she
thought I was forgetting her or something. I just feel guilty getting over what happened. I dont want to
live my life in misery, but I just want to know that she thinks that I am doing the right thing. Does she
think that I am unfaithful? Is she upset that Im making new friends? Actually I havent made any new
friends besides Sean. I really enjoy having someone to talk to, but he is still mad at me for asking for a
new partner. He won't respond to texts, and he ignores me at school. I am stuck with some of the
annoying people who don't care about writing. I cant lose another friend. I cant be alone again without

somebody besides my family to talk to. They just dont understand. Oh sure, they were upset for me,
but they didnt really care about what happened to Emily. They act like I have totally gotten over it and
that I shouldnt even be upset at all. They think that this was just a phase of being mad or moody or
angry. But it isnt a phase. My life isnt the same. I cant just act like the world still spins when my
world stopped. Is there something wrong with me? Should I even be this upset?
I close my journal. Mom calls from downstairs telling me to Hurry up dear youll miss the
bus. I stuff the journal underneath my mattress and dress quickly. I dont get any breakfast, I just sling
my backpack over my shoulder, manage an everything is dandy smile and head out the door. The bus
pulls up to the curb, and my routine life has started. Go to school, bear Sean ignoring me and get
nothing done in writing class. Then go to another class, lunch, 2 more classes and ride the bus home.
Go to bed after homework and wake up and do it again and again. I enter the writing classroom
There isn't really much I can do about this except ignore Sean back. He has his back turned
towards me as usual, he's sitting there looking sullen listening to a blond talk about her terrible
shampoo revelation. He looks bored, but is nodding his head every few seconds so that he doesn't
appear asleep. I stare at my new partner Gerald Fredrick. He's cute in a little kid way, with a scrunched
up face and a small nose that is almost nonexistent. I'm going to get zero writing done with that kid. I
grab my notebook and sit down at his table and we start not writing. He enjoys talking about video
games and stuff, but some of the plot lines from his gaming gives me a few ideas. When writing class is
over Sean stands up and walks out not even glancing once in my direction. I follow him into the
hallway but he still ignores me and heads towards his algebra class. I give up and walk into lab.
***
I stand over the stone and grab the fistful of dead flowers and place some fresh ones where they
used to be. I read the stone again.
Emily G. Dawson
Feb. 6th 1998-Oct. 17Th 2014

Tears blur my vision and I stop reading. Running my hand on the slab of rock, half buried in
snow and dirt, and wet with mud as I brush it off. The old flowers have frost covering the pink
blossoms. The wind blows snowflakes onto my bare arms. They melt on contact, eventually soaking
my arms in frozen drops. I'm too numb to move, not because of the wind, but of the imperfection, unfixable, un-manageable sickening reality of life. A crunch in the snow behind me makes me stand up
and whip around.
Mom, what are doing here? Anger rushes through me like a thick fog.
I saw you leave, thought you might be cold. She hands me a gray sweatshirt that I slip on, my
arms cold and wet underneath the plush fabric.
Admit it, you just wanted to check on me. My face is hot despite the frigid air around us. She
stares down at her boot. Mom, I don't want to follow me around. My voice quavers. I just want to be
alone right now.
Oh, honey, I just want to make sure you are doing alright. You've been acting strange lately.
You think? I blow a stray piece of hair out of my face. Mom, of course I've been acting
strange! You think that you know what it feels like to have part of you ripped out! You don't
understand! I just want to be left alone! Just go!
Honey, we can talk about this.
I don't want to! I'm almost screaming. I drop to my knees and sob. I hear her crushing away. I
bury my face in the ground wishing I could join her.
***
My phone buzzes and I swipe the screen to the left. Its Sean.
Danielle, Im sorry for jumping to conclusions, I talked to Mrs. Gray and she told me that you
had asked at the beginning of the year just like you said. If you still want to work with me again, I
wouldnt mind working with u, a warm feeling floods my chest. He must be pretty fed up with that
blond. I reply with,

K, Ill talk 2 her tomorrow. We could still go on that balloon ride Saturday. We still on for
Saturday then?
Definitely,
***
We are supposed to meet at the field across the road from the air force for launch. The same
place Emily and I went to. The snow has stopped for a while and the sun has finally come out for the
first time in a couple of months.
I see his car pull up and he hops out next to the multicolored giant balloon. My mom is here due
to safety protocol. The man handling the balloon works on checking the heater and the large red fabric
that will carry us into the sky. The birds above us squawk, and I cant help thinking that Im going to be
joining them in a little bit. The man finishes his check over and begins fluffing the balloon by waving
one end of it to catch the wind, and he sets the basket upright letting the wind fill up the giant sack of
fabric. He places the heater under it and one end of the balloon starts rising and then the other end
follows. Soon the whole thing is in the air and the ropes and staking the basket down so it doesnt just
fly away. Sean helps me and my mom into the basket and then climbs in behind us. The man winds
ropes and sandbags tying them to the edge, then climbs in himself and cuts the rope. We are off,
floating up towards the sun, the ground getting smaller and smaller the longer we are flying. Nostalgia
fills my stomach remembering when Emily was here. Shed stick her arms out over the edge of the
basket and close her eyes.
This is what it feels like to be a bird Danielle. This is what it feels like to fly. Feels so long ago.
Even though I know that it was only a matter of months. It had been on her bucket list to ride in a
balloon. Her mom and I tried our best to make every dream she had, make them come true. We had
done everything. But she still had to go. She left me. I stare at the patchwork of highways below us, the
tiny cars zooming around, problems seem so small from up in the sky. I feel Seans eyes burn on me.
Im sorry Danielle. For what happened to Emily. You know I am. He smiles and grabs my

hand, squeezing it as a sign of comfort. Im surprised how well it works. My entire arm tingles and
warmth spreads through me. Usually no kind of comfort can calm me down the way he can. When
other people try, they come across as just being piteous of me. I dont want people to just act like Im
an unfortunate person who just needs someone to talk to. Is this what Emily was talking about when
she was saying that Ive done everything for her? Could my just being a friend have been comforting to
her? Could I actually have done something that was a means of making her feel okay? His hand is
warm in mine, the wind blows at my hair, raising goose bumps on my arms, but tingling happiness
floods me. Im not alone.
***
I sit on my bed, a warm sweatshirt covering me, as I am cradled under my plush comforter. My
laptop is warm in my lap.
She was brave, and beautiful. And I loved her. She was an amazing friend and person. But she
had to leave me. I guess that God needed a princess. He needed someone to dance for him in the
clouds. Someone to laugh with, someone to sing to. I guess that he was missing an angel.
Its finished. I finally finished my story. The story of the two of us. I print it out and pull on my
boots. The snow has started its thawing, but my jacket is insufficient against the wind chill. I manage
to walk all the way to the lighthouse. I climb it, the stars blink on the waves, and I get to the top and
flick on the light. It twists around, flashing over the water. I place the story for her in our secret
compartment that I didnt tell Sean about.
Goodbye Emily. I whisper to the waves, to the stars, to the lighthouse.

Chapter : Sean

Hey Sean, mom says you cant stay the night again. I just want to punch that look off of her
face.
I cant go anyways. Im busy today.
What are you up to Sean? You never have plans. She smirks, shifting her huge purse on her
arm.
Im not telling you, you dont care about me. I grab my jacket off of the back of the chair. I
can make it out of here just before dad gets here. I might get out of another undeserved fight. Ive got
to go An, I dont want to be here when dad blows up again.
Ok suit yourself. Moms here you know, youre perfectly safe for a while.
Bye.
Sean, I dont know what to do with you. I hear it muffled because I closed the door in her
face, not really wanting to hear the, I still care about you, speech she has taken up. I pull my
skateboard from the garage, and feel the bumps on the road under my shoes as the board picks up speed
as I escalate down the hill. With Anna in an apartment and me staying there after school most days, Ive
been able to avoid dad for almost half of the week. I round a turn, the clackity clack under the board is
familiar, the idea that you might fall off pumps adrenaline in my lungs. Finally the field comes into
view. I park the board at the administration office, and climb into the basket with Danielle, feeling
better than I have in a while. The man puffs up the balloon, and then starts that little fire box thing and
we start lifting higher and higher, expecting to be stopped any second by gravity. I look over at
Danielle, her eyes are cloudy, I can tell that she is thinking about her friend. She looks like how I feel
when Im alone.
Im sorry Danielle. For what happened to Emily. You know I am. I squeeze her hand wishing

I were more educated on how to show comfort to someone, but I guess it works, because her whole
face lights up, and she smiles. And it lights a little bit of the smoke in my heart.
***
Hey Sean, I was thinking maybe we could do something fun. Like shop or something. Anna
looks dead serious. Shop? Really?
Uh how about a movie or something like that. I can ask Danielle to go with us.
Whos Danielle? Her eye brow lifts, that quizzical look that she gives me when she knows
shes onto something.
Uh My writing partner at school.
Ah A partner you say, you know Sean
Oh shut up Anna, can I ask her to come too? Shes such a jerk sometimes.
Fine, you can ask her. Maybe you can work on some writing while we are at the theater. She
laughs, and it is the sweetest sound Ive ever heard. It reminds me of bubble gum. Just feels like
something that is peaceful. Normal for a girl who has no cares in the world. Its wonderful I guess,
but the magic about it is that shes actually happy. And I guess that I am too. I mean life still stinks, but
we are making the best of it.

Chapter : Danielle
Soaring up in the moonlight,
Kissing the galaxy's milky fire
Rain comes in the night,
The world is such a liar.

'You want to go to the theater Friday? My older sister is coming to BTW. I got Sean back as a
partner today and Ive gotten lots of writing done. At least more ideas for next semester.
Sure, Id love too. Ive never met her before. I close my history book. What do you want to
see?
How about the new Batman movie?
Sounds good, I put my phone on sleep mode.
Ill be there at 6:30
***
You ready to go? Sean stands on the porch, beside him is a tall blonde, same green eyes as
Seans. This is Anna.
Nice to meet you Danielle. She smiles, showing a row of teeth that would make an
orthodontist swoon. I smile and shake her hand, not really knowing what to say.
Lets go. Sean says, heading for the curb where a rundown teal car is parked. Anna grabs the
keys and shoves them into the ignition, rumbling the car to life.
So Danielle, have you finished your story yet? He climbs into the back seat beside me.
I actually have. I need to edit it. Its pretty rough right now.

Thats how mine is. I cant get mine long enough. Mrs. Gray wants it to be at least 6,000
words. I keep running out of things to write. A light snow patters the window. Hey Uh
Danielle?
Yeah? My heart thunders.
I was thinking Well I was just wondering if if you would want to go to the dance at school
with me? It's on the 24th, Christmas Eve. He holds his breath. I I know that your mom might not
approve or anything like that but it is just at the school and I was thinking that we could go to another
place before that or or something. He inhales deeply.
Sure. Where do you want to go before it? My face gets red.
Uh The next place we were going to go was the pier on the beach right?
Yeah thats the last place in the journal. I suddenly feel light, my cheeks heating with
pleasure. He wants me to go with him. Me.
The car pulls up to the theater, neon lights blink in front of us illuminating the dark slick streets.
We get out of the car and head to the ticket booth, Anna buys us a huge tub of popcorn and we head for
the darkened room.
The previews start, the announcer on the screen in an overly soft voice saying to mute all cell
phones during the presentation.
Please mute youre cell phones now. He whispers into my ear in mocking tone that matches
the calm womans voice. I giggle, feeling warm inside. I reach over Sean and grab a handful of popcorn
from Annas large red and white striped popcorn bin. The movie starts. The first scene barely begins
before there is a huge bang. Then a succession of bangs, the room fills with smoke. Sean jumps up and
shoves me and Anna as far away from the isle as possible. Anna is on top of me, shes shaking, and a
cold sweat breaks out on my forehead. Sean is on top, covering the both of us. My hands are gritty on
top of the popcorn scattered ground. The lights flick on and Im nearly blinded by the sudden flashes.
Screams and shouts fill the smoky air. Keep us safe God, I know that I told you I didnt believe

in you, but I do now. Please help me. Protect Sean. Protect Sean. I keep chanting that over and over.
Keep him safe. Anna is jolted from the force of Sean doubling backwards. A sickening feeling knots my
stomach. I realize I'm crying, tears running down my face. The noise roars in my ears, the sound of the
pistol cutting through the screaming. Bang, bang, bang. Three more gun shots. Protect Sean. Deafening
sound blaring. Protect Sean. Shattering silence. Smoke filled silence. Deadly silence. The back doors of
the theater bust open, a couple of police and guards rush in, the sound of an ambulance, the blaring of a
bullhorn. The man who opened fire is gone. I try to stand up, Anna grabs her brothers hand. His
shoulder is bleeding. I feel like gagging, nausea crawls up my throat.
Sean! Anna is screaming. A paramedic rushes over to us and grabs Sean like a baby, yells
something into his radio and a stretcher is layed out for him and he is carried off.

Chapter : Sean

I hear the gunshots, and fear starts my heart racing 100 miles an hour.
Get back! I scream and shove Anna and Danielle behind me, wishing that there were someone
who was in front of me. My breath catches in my throat, and Im shaking so hard, I just close my eyes,
counting the horrible nauseous seconds, the banging making my ears ring. There is a sudden pain, and
Im flung backwards, and I hear a screaming so loud. I realize that its me. I try to stop, but the pain is
so intense it just blows dad out of the water. The shooting stops, Anna is yelling in my ear, I cant tell
what shes saying. My shoulder is covered in liquid, Danielle looks like she might faint, her face is
pink, and I just stare at her, wishing the pain gone. A bullhorn, a siren, a man comes and grabs me, and
Anna and Danielle get farther and farther from me.
Sean! Anna screams, trying to keep up with the man. He places me on a stretcher, and my
body spasms, Im unable to keep still, unable to stop crying. He rolls me into an ambulance, and I see
Danielle and Anna crawl in around the stretcher, a siren, their faces start to fade away, all I can hear is
Anna repeating herself, over and over again.
Its going to be fine Sean, youre going to be okay, She sounds like shes trying to convince
herself. Her face starts to fade, red bugs crawling over my vision. I hear a dial tone, her calling mom,
her conversation pulling in and out of my consciousness, Hospitalmeet usbye. Her voice keeps
cutting in and out. My hands tighten over the metal rods on each side of the stretcher, the pain makes
me feel like throwing up, like someones just rubbing a hot knife back and forth over my shoulder.
Burning through my skin.
I grit my teeth, bearing with the pain as best as I can. Like the way I do when I get a bad lick
from dad. Except this is twenty times worse. Justkeepbreathing. My body flings itself again against
the stretcher side. In and out. Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out. My heart is going so fast it hurts.

In and out. Danielle grabs my hand, rubbing it, her cool fingers feel good against my skin that feels like
its on the verge of making my whole body a human inferno. In and out. My breath is caught in my
throat. I cant breathe, panic filling my mind. In and out. Just keep breathing. Keep br

Chapter : Danielle
Anna is screaming trying to catch up with her brother, who is being carried away by an intense
faced man who is speaking rapidly into a hand radio. Sean is being rushed into an ambulance which is
parked by the curb with many other ICU vehicles. His shoulder is bleeding rapidly and its leaving a
trail of blood out of the theater. Anna is walking beside the stretcher talking so fast through her tears,
her mascara bleeding down her face. I keep up with them not knowing what to do as he is being carried
away. The men load the stretcher into the ambulance and we crawl in, squeezing beside him, tears
coming down with no way of keeping them back. His face is pale, his face contorted with pain, agony
clenching his fist on the edge of the stretcher. The wound is oozing making nausea climb under my
tongue.
Its going to be fine Sean. Its okay. Annas voice is pitchy and she is choking on tears. Its
going to be fine. Youre going to be okay. She keeps repeating herself. A paramedic closes the back of
the ambulance door. The vehicle wails away. As a kid Id always wanted to ride in an ambulance, go
speeding past the people in their cars, but now, I cant stop wishing that this were all a dream. I wish
my life were a dream. I wish I weren't here in this ambulance with my only friend screaming in pain. I
wish that none of it is real. I cant stop shaking. My stomach is curled in a knot and Im wishing with
my entire being that Sean will be okay, like Anna is musing. His teeth are clenched and tears are
running down his face. The ambulance blares, but it sounds muffled from the back of the vehicle.
I-I should probably call mom. Anna pulls out a pink smart phone which she dials rapidly on.
M-mom, we are on our way to the hospital and you should probably meet us there. I hear a muffled
What happened? Anna bursts into sobs again. Ill tell you when you get there. I'm pretty sure that it's
the hospital on the east side of town. She pauses again. No we aren't there yet we are on our way.
Okay see you there. Bye. She hits end. My head is pounding, blood rushes to my head. Sean lets out a
husky scream and his body spasms with pain. I wish I could do something. I hold his hand, rubbing it

with my thumb just like Emilys mom did when Emily was dying. Then it hits me. Sean could die. Acid
fills my throat. His breathing is labored and he is shaking, and his face is so pale. He lets out another
raspy scream. This time it sounds weaker but still so filled with agony. A paramedic comes over to the
stretcher, gives him a shot in his forearm and he drifts into unconsciousness.
***
His mom appears in the doorway of the hospital, she looks panicked and she hugs Anna who
has pretty much lost it. I have already called my mom and told her through my tears what happened,
and she has insisted on coming to the ICU to meet me. The paramedics have whisked Sean off, placing
oxygen masks over his face, and placing IV's on his forearm and taken him into a closed off section of
the hospital.
This place makes me feel nostalgic, the smell that makes me sick, the times that Emily and I had
played cards by her bedside. But I feel so helpless. I can't even see him, and they won't let Anna in
either without a parental guardian. This is a nightmare. I have that feeling that I need to scream and cry
at the same time. There are other people who are sullen in the ICU waiting room. A woman in a pale
green water colored dress is sobbing into her gnarled hands, a man in a black suit, his eyes watery and
he is shaking, his fists clenched under his chair. I can see that he is trying to keep it together. Other
people hurting just like me. Their worlds are crumbling.
I wonder if Sean is scared. Is he even conscious? Is he alone? In pain? My throat knots. I can't
let another friend die. He can't die. I suppress a sob in my throat, wishing that I could hug someone, cry
into their shoulder, and tell them how cruel the world is. Why did he do this? Why did he try to protect
me and Anna? He could have gotten under a chair or dodged it or something. Why would he try to
cover us? Why would he care about our safety when his life was already in jeopardy? I dont
understand. I feel like my life is just a cruel game. Just going over and over the bad things. Only a few
months of peace. Of having someone who cares about me, someone I can talk to, someone who
understands me.

Anna and her mom have gone into the ICU section that is reserved for family only. I feel like I
am family to them. But its no use. I sit down on one of the blue hospital chairs and wait. The wall
clock ticking. Tick, tick, tick. Nurses whisking to and fro from the sliding doors, carrying different
things back and forth. Tick, tick, tick. I lay my head in my hands, and crunch over, wishing that the
world would go away. That I can just shut it out and forget that it existed. Forget about all of this pain
and have it disappear like a puff of foggy breath on a cold day.
My mom comes in, her purse slung around her arm. Jacob is there too, his face sullen.
Mom, it was awful mom. Tears start flowing, and I sob on her shoulder. We were there mom,
it was awful. A-a man came in and he started shooting people, and, and, I cant finish. She hugs me,
shes shaking.
Shh, its okay honey. Shes rocking me. Its okay. She rubs her hand through my hair,
humming softly. Shh, youre safe. She doesnt let go until I can feel my heart slowing down. Jacob
stares at the ground, and then hugs me, warmth coming from the unzipped part of his coat. He is almost
as tall as me now, and I bury my face in his shoulder. His face is red when he finally pulls away.
You could have been really hurt Dannie. He whispers, terror flashing in his eyes for a second.
I could have been hurt? Dont you get it? Sean protected me. He stayed in front of his sister
and me while the man shot at us. My voice is trembling and Im practically screaming now. You
You dont understand! I sink to the floor, and Im sobbing again. Screaming at the world for being so
cruel. Its all my fault. I did this to him. Im choking on my tears. I did this. Its all my fault.
***
Danielle Hayes, you have a request to go back into the unit. A nurse in a white dress and
holding a clipboard ushers me back into intensive care.
I thought that family were allowed only. I murmur thoughtfully to her.
Unless the patient or one of the guardians is okay with you going back there. This way
sweetie. She raps on the door with too brisk of a knock. It is at least 1:00 and sleep is drooping my

eyelids downwards. She opens the door. Go right on ahead in sweetie. She closes the door behind
me. The room is dark, Anna and Mrs. Thompson crowded around his bed. He looks worse, his face is
white as a sheet and a cupped plastic oxygen mask covers most of his face. His eyes are open, and they
stare at me almost accusingly. His shoulder is wrapped in a sterilized white bandage, but he smiles
from behind a tube that covers his mouth.
Danielle, His breath fogs the oxygen mask that covers his nose.
Sean are you okay? It's a stupid question, but I can't think of anything else to say. He's
obviously not okay. His eyes sparkle a little.
Things could be better. He manages a disgruntled laugh and then winces as his shoulder
moves a bit. The doctors are hopeful, they say that it will take a lot of time and work to get the
muscles and tendons in my arm to heal but they should over time get better.
That's good I guess. A huge weight is lifted off of me. He's fine. He's okay. It's going to be all
right. He laughs softly. I hear the heart monitor, the sweet sound I've missed hearing. One of the sounds
that is soothing to me. When that stops, so does life. So does everything in my world. But it's beeping.
Steady beautiful twanging sounds. My heart stops pounding as fast. You really scared us. A few tears
threaten to come, but I blink them away, not really knowing what else to do.
I guess that's what I'm best at. The plastic around his mouth fogs again. The room is a little
brighter and I take a seat near the hospital bed where I can talk to him.
Why did you do it Sean? I stare at his pale face that I can imagine some color into.
Do what?
You covered Anna and me. Why would you try something so stupid and then get hurt and...
You could have been killed. Now I'm crying, silently, steady streams coming down. I don't try to hide
them.
What else would I have done? I couldn't let him hurt either of you.
Why not? Why would you care about us so much that you would just... just try to get shot.

My voice gets squeaky.

I didn't try to get shot. I just know, that when you care about something enough, you will risk
anything to protect it. I would do it all over again.
You would? I'm whispering now, not able to make myself talk normally.
I would.

Chapter: Sean

Anna and mom are sleeping, the clock ticks, a few nurses are in the room, just standing around,
keeping an eye on a heart monitor, with each beep, a little line rises a little on the chart. Its
mesmerizing, my whole arm and half of my neck is numb, but Im grateful for the calming sensation, a
slight tingle, no more agonizing, skull ripping pain. I inhale, wishing that they were awake so I could
talk to them, or wishing that I knew where my phone went so I could call Danielle. Shes probably
sleeping, and I dont want to wake her up. Claustrophobia clings to my skin, unable to move for fear of
the pain that Im imagining coming on, shivers race up my arms, my heart still racing. I wish I could sit
up.
Sean, you awake? I hear Anna whisper, its so soft I almost dont hear it.
Yes.
Good, I cant sleep. Her face is illuminated by the soft glow on her phone.
Me neither, I was hoping you were awake. I try to shift, but the straps and IVs covering my
arms make that impossible, the plastic mask cupped over my mouth fogging up every time I breath out.
But Im glad its there. Its easier to inhale.
Same, you look awful.
Hey, you should see yourself. I smirk, and she gives me a look, not a Watch it look, but
more of a I dont know. Ive never seen that look before. Like shes glad.
Im really tired, you need to stop doing this to me Sean,
Doing what?
Freaking me out, I mean seriously Sean, you do this to me way too much.
Well, I guess that maybe its my hobby. Like nagging is yours. I laugh, trying to keep it quiet
so I dont wake up mom. Im going to try to sleep An, Im really tired.

Okay, stop freaking me out though okay? She looks earnest. Its not like Im usually trying to
scare her most of the time. But I couldnt really help it this time.
Ill try. Gnight.
Night.

Chapter : Danielle
Pain is what weapon death holds,
The light it shoots at fear,
Dark winds will freeze us cold,
Lying, tricking nauseous tears.

The ceiling is gray, the room dark. The lighthouse outside is blinking, my heart pounding. The
gunshots still ringing in my ears. The smoke floating around my memory. I turn on my side, curling
into a ball, hands tucked tightly in fists underneath my trembling body. Tears coming silently like a cat
in slippers. I cant stop shaking. The room waits for me to do something about the silence, but I cant
do anything to help. I wish I were back at the hospital with the Thomson's, so I could be sure that Sean
was alright. Make sure that he isnt in pain or worried about something. I turn over again.
I just know that when you care enough about something, you will risk anything to protect it. I
turn over again. The blanket suffocating me, tangling my legs up making claustrophobia grab me. The
screams echo again. That fluttering horror inside pounds inside of me. I cant stop shaking.
My phone vibrates. I jerk up and snatch it, my fingers clamoring to type in the number
password. A text from an unknown number. I click the message wondering who it could be from. I read
over it in a matter of seconds. No this cant be happening no! My stomach drops and I race downstairs.
***
The ICU doors slide open slowly and I rush to the receptionist who stands behind a wooden
round about desk.
Can I help you dear? She looks up from typing on a boxy computer. My mom is finding a
place to park outside.
Y-yes, I need to get into the room uh I cant remember the room number. What is wrong

with me? Dont panic. Dont panic. Its alright. 20203. Thats it.
Im sorry, that is I an off limits section of the hospital. Only way to get back there is if you are
family or if the patient or family member permits you entrance. I can page the room and ask a legal
Just let me in alright? I may not have much time. Anger is rising up in my throat and I want to
strangle her. Please just let me get in.
I'm sorry honey... Oh is this your mom? the woman glances rapidly between the two of us as
she walks in, perfect timing.
Yes, and I do have permission to get back there.
Okay, let me page the room and ask. She begins clicking rapidly on the key board and gliding
her long French manicured fingernails over several different buttons on a corded phone. Yes, can you
ask if a... she covers the phone mouth piece. Whats your name honey?
Danielle Hayes.
A Danielle Hayes has permission to go back there? She pauses, pursing her lips gently and
then she hangs up the phone. They give permission.
Thank you.
Here is a pass, take it and please return it when you leave. Have a good evening. She smiles
and then goes back to her typing.
Go on honey, I'll wait for you out here. She takes her keys and slips them into her pocket. I
walk to the room, my heart thumping as I count the door numbers. 199, 201, 202, 201. I turn the cold
door knob, my hands shaking. His mom and Anna are still there. I wonder where his dad is. Or if he
doesn't have one like me.
What's wrong with him? I am greeted instantly with the sound of the beeping heart monitor.
It's slow. Frighteningly slow. The same deathly feeling of the heart monitor in Emily's hospital room.
Before she died.
The doctors don't know. His heart just suddenly went from steady to really slow. They are

running some tests to see whats wrong, but they don't know whether he'll make it through the night.
Her eyes fill with tears and she glances down at the bed and reaches for his hand which she holds
tenderly. The room is splotchy with florescent lights, making the corners of the room crumble in with
shadows that overcome the light in the room. The oxygen mask hazes up with fog as he exhales. They
are slow and shaky. Beep. Beep..Beep. The bleeps are slowly spacing out. Slower and
slower. Farther and farther apart. His face twists and his eyes open to a slit, then pain registers on his
face and before he can cry out the beeping stops.

Chapter
Suffocation grabs my throat,
Panic setting in,
The wind sings each screaming note,
Tears that cannot win.

A man in a white mask comes over to the bed and begins doing CPR and pumping his fists up
and down across Seans chest. No! Im shivering. No!!! This isnt happening. Wake up! Wake up. Wake
up! No! This is a dream. A dream. A dream. The silence is killing me. Wake up. The monitor stays
silent. The man does the CPR more violently, quickly pumping up and down. Silence. Silence. Nothing.
The monitor stays mum. I breathe in sharply, a sob suppressed tightly in my throat, squeezing oxygen
out of me. I hold my breath staring at the monitor. Please turn on. Please. Mrs. Thomson is hysterical,
holding his hand in hers. The man breathes into his mouth again. More pumping. Beep
Beep Beep
Thank-you. Oh thank you. She grabs his hand holding it up to her face, Thank-you God.
She rocks back and forth on her heels whispering to herself, her face wet. My throat clogs and I lay my
head on his chest, listening to the pounds to be sure they are there. Ba bum Ba bum Ba bum. Its
the best sound Ive ever heard. Thank you.
***
I stay at the hospital the rest of the night, Mrs. Thomson has made me a bed on a window box. I
listen to the beeping monitor, sucking in my breath whenever it slows again, drifting in and out of
restless sleep, dreaming of silence. Dreaming of gunshots and screams. When dawn breaks in through
the window Im still awake, and Mrs. Thomson and Anna have passed out on two of the hospital chairs,
snoring softly, faces both relaxed and peaceful. The wrinkles on Mrs. Thompson's face are smoothed

and she looks just like Anna besides the difference in their hair color. Seans eyes are open and I realize
he has been watching me.
How long have you been here Danielle? His voice is cracked and has a rough twang to it.
Since you freaked us out last night. I run my fingers through my hair trying to untangle the
curls.
What did I do now? I just fell asleep since it was like three in the morning.
Your heart stopped last night Sean. I keep the tears down. Fear passes over his face and he
pales almost instantly, the color drained out like a dish rag.
W-what?
Your mom told me to come over here because the doctors didnt think you were going to live. I
got here and it just It just stopped. It stopped Sean. I bury my head in my hands, trying to make the
fear leave.
I Im sorry I I wasnt I wasnt trying too. Come over here. He strokes my hair. Shh
Im fine now. Its okay. I listen to the pounding of his heart. Its stronger now. I cant stop crying.
Shh Its okay. Its okay.
***
I wake up on the window seat again, Mrs. Thomson must have moved me. I open my phone.
Ten thirty. There are several texts from my mom, replies from telling her that Im staying the night at
the hospital. They are all giving me contact information and emergency numbers and telling me when
she will pick me up. I must look like a zombie. I stand up and walk over to Seans bed where he is
sleeping, the heart monitor beeping steadily. I match it to the heat flaring up in my face. Its normal. Its
sweet sounding. His face is pink from under the oxygen mask and his eyelashes flutter placidly. His
sister is on her phone on one of the chairs, makeup smeared under her eyes. Her blond hair plastered to
the side of her face. It looks like she got about as much sleep as I did.
My mom told me to meet her in the lobby so I should probably go. I whisper. She blinks,

nods and then stands up, embracing me in a shaky hug.

Thank-you Danielle. For being supportive even though... Even though I don't even know you
very well. She blinks back tears and pulls away, wiping her eyes and managing a smile
Y-youre welcome. I squeeze her hand. I'd better... I'd better go. I smile and she says
goodbye and gives me her contact information. I close the hospital door softly behind me.
***
Jacob looks sullen when I come in, annoyance scribbled all over his face like a kids coloring
book.
I wanted to stay with you Dannie. I couldnt sleep at all last night. Tears fill his eyes.
I-Im sorry Jacob, you could have texted me you know.
I know. He stares at his shoe. I hug him and he pretends to push me away, but I can see in his
eyes that he is grateful for it.
***
The doctor brings in a report and hands it to Sean's mom.
We found what happened to cause that sudden heart drop Friday night. The man looks similar
to the creepy sticker man at the grocery store. He had an allergic reaction to the pain medicine he was
on. It wasn't a serious reaction but since he was so weak already it could have been fatal. Your son is
very lucky Mrs. Thomson. He glances down at the paper, his skin thin, blue veins crossing through
tightly stretched white flesh. With the instructed therapy on the page he will get better, but it will take
a while for the muscles to heal. He could be out of the hospital within at earliest 3 months. He flips
points to a paragraph on the page listing many of the therapy's that will need to be done. His mom reads
over it, her green eyes reading over it quickly and then she tucks it into her bag.
Will he be allowed to make short trips out of the hospital or does he have to stay there for at
least 3 months? She looks slightly concerned.
Depending on the progress made, he would be allowed to be out of the hospital maybe once or

twice a week, but its hard to say. It is possible that the heart drop was caused by something other than
the medication, so we can't let him go until we know for sure it's not going to happen again. He shifts
to another foot and licks his lips. The hospital room is hushed, Sean is sleeping again, which seems to
be normal after a few days of visiting. Three months until he is even allowed to leave the hospital. And
then he's got to do treatment and who knows how long that will take. Maybe years.
The past few day's have dragged by, and I have missed school for almost a week now. Every
day, I go to the hospital and talk with Mrs. Thomson, Anna and when he's awake Sean. I feel guilty
thinking of him here on Christmas and New Year's. It's the 20th today. I realize that I won't be going to
that dance on the 24th. It feels selfish to be thinking about that right now, but I can't help but feel
disappointed. The doctor gives Mrs. Thomson more details about the therapy's that will be used and
then leaves the room again.
***
You can't put a five on nine Sean. I pull my sweatshirt sleeves closer to my elbow, the stuffy
room suffocating me.
Sorry, I thought it was a six. I'm dyslexic. He grabs the five and sticks it back into the stack
and continues to place down more cards. Over the past week or so we have invented many different
card games, this one similar to solitaire. It's snowing, the day's are growing shorter, the nights creeping
up so quickly and daylight bursting over the frost covered trees. It's Christmas Eve, and the room feels
lonely with Mrs. Thomson and Anna downstairs ordering lunch from the cafe in the lobby.
I've finished my deck. I announce, slapping the cards over quickly setting up for another
round and he does the same, but I have to help him because he can only use one of his arms and is
much slower at turning them all over.
Danielle, I'm... I'm sorry you are missing the dance today... I really wanted to go but I... He
stares down at the IV stuck in his forearm.
It's fine. I'm not leaving you here. I remember Emily's words. Sound's lonely. He smiles a

little, and I'm grateful that they have decided that he doesn't need the oxygen mask anymore. I can see
his whole face, and I can imagine him better, the bandages and IV's strapped to his arms disappeared
and I can imagine us at the last place in the journal, under the pier, listening to the gull's squawk at us
from above, and watching where the ocean play's with the sky, like clumsy finger's reaching for the
clouds that float lazily across the horizon.
He's staring at me waiting for me to cut the deck again and deal out the cards and play what
feels like the hundredth time we've played today. I realize now, that in this moment, that there is no
place I'd rather be than here, with him. Waiting for the world to give him back his life.

Chapter 10
Dancing and singing in the light,
Staring at the moon
Shivering whispering tail of a kite
This moment will end too soon.

The smell of rotting flesh greets me and my stomach is instantly overcome by the nauseating
lurch in my chest. Seans bandage that was on his shoulder is off, exposing a splotchy red wound that is
oozing puss and a clear liquid. There isnt much blood but thin pink skin underneath the ooze shows me
that its getting better, but the doctor and a few nurses that are gathered around him, faces knotted in
concentration, seem to think the opposite, whispering softly to one another in a murmur that mixed
together making them all sound like one hushed voice. I set my bag down on the floor by one of the
chairs.
Whats wrong? I ask, Sean lets out a strangled scream that sets my nerves on a tension and
makes my heart instantly speed up.
There is still a fragment of the bullet in his shoulder that they never were able to get out and
they cant keep him on pain meds till we can pin point the cause of the heart drop the other night. Mrs.
Thomson never takes her eyes off of Sean while talking and she is holding his hand in hers. Hes
shaking, spasms of pain makes him stiffen and jerk up. His face is wet with tears and it makes me feel
like crying with him, the tremor in my heart trying to flutter out. I sob inside, suppressing it, trying to
keep it together. The room is dark even though most of the lights are turned on. Snow patters the
window like a ghost.
Danielle? Seans voice is forced and shaky, and louder than usual. Danielle! He screams

again and his body spasms.

What is it Sean? What is it? I creep up to the edge of the bed.
I I want you to to know that He passes out from pain, his body relaxes and his eyelids
flutter shut. I swipe his sweaty brown hair to the side and kiss his forehead.
***
Danielle, they found out what caused the heart drop exactly. Anna comes up to me almost the
second Im dropped off.
What? Was it the pain medicine?
It was one of the chemicals in it. I cant remember the name. Its hard to pronounce, but they
have him on a different medication that doesnt have that in it. And as long as nothing else happens hes
going to start therapy here in the hospital. His first one is on Monday. She says it in one long breath,
her face is flushed and her eyes are glittering and shivering with excitement like snowflakes. Warmth
floods my chest.
Thats great! What kind of therapy are they doing?
Not sure, I think its probably something small like rotating his shoulder around and then after
each day of therapy it will get harder and then weights and stuff. She hugs me beaming. Relief makes
my heart slow down.
Thats great! When are they moving him out of ICU? A million questions fill my brain, but
the excitement clogs up my brain. I wish I had brought my notebook so I could write something.
I dont know, probably soon though. The doctors are all hopeful that his arm will still work
after therapy. She hugs me again. We can visit for a bit but they want to run some more tests in a
while so we can only be in there for a little bit before they kick us out. She smiles and then heads
towards his room and I follow her. The door clicks open and we walk in. He is sitting up drinking a
glass of orange juice that his mom is holding up to his lips for him. He smiles when he sees me and his
mom puts the cup down on the table.

Hey Danielle. His arm is bandaged again, and he looks almost normal again. Did Anna tell
you the good news? Hes beaming.
Yeah she did, thats great! What therapy are they starting with?
The doctors told me that they just want to start with lifting it up and down. They dont want me
to put weight on it except for when Im doing therapy so I have to wear a sling most of the time. He
shows me the navy rectangle of fabric that he has supporting under his arm. It will make it so I dont
move my shoulder as much.
Thats good. I dont know what to say. The room is filled with silence. My stomach rumbles. I
havent had breakfast yet. What tests are they running today?
Something to do with blood pressure. They want to see if they can take me off of the IV or
not.
Thatd be good. I heard that you can leave the hospital if things go well in the next few
weeks. The thought makes me feel warm.
I I have something for you. He hands me a little box that is tied up with a blue ribbon. Then
it strikes me, today is Christmas. I totally forgot. Guilt washes over me that I didnt get him something.
But he sits there in expectation, waiting for me to open it. I untie the strings and open the box and a
necklace sits inside. I take it out. Look, it opens. He takes the necklace and opens it, it folds out
several times. In each oval is a picture he has painted, then I recognize the pictures. They are the places
we visited. A picture of the lighthouse, painted in with such tiny detail that I have to squint to see the
details. Tears fill my eyes.
Thank you. I whisper, I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand. Its beautiful. Did you
paint all of these?
Yeah, my mom got me the stuff to do it with and I did it when you werent visiting. Do you
like it? He looks at me expectantly.
I love it. Thank you. I give him a hug, trying my best not to move his shoulder. I pull away.

I-Im sorry, I totally forgot that today was even Christmas I havent done any shopping yet.
Thats fine, He smiles. I slip the necklace over my head and finger it gently with my thumb.
It gave me something to do when you werent here. A doctor comes in writing something on a chart.
Okay, Im going to start running the tests and I need all guests to leave. His tone is annoying
but I wave goodbye to Sean, still fingering the necklace as I close the door, its warm and fills me with
a tingling.

Chapter 11
Calm murmurs like a shooting star,
Soft warmth descends,
Lightning bugs caught in a jar,
With you I am content.

Sean stands up and wobbles a little, Mrs. Thomson grabs his good arm and helps him steady
himself into a wheelchair. A nurse takes an IV bag stand and attaches it to the back of the wheelchair. I
grab his jacket from the side table and set it across his lap and his mom begins pushing him out the
door. Anna and I follow with at their heels. We get in the elevator, an awkward silence and then the
doors open on the floor above the one he used to be in. Another nurse is waiting at Seans new room,
and she helps him into the hospital bed. The new room is smaller, but there is an extra bed which Im
sure that Mrs. Thomson is grateful for.
Im going to go down to the cafeteria with Anna, do you want anything dear? She touches his
arm and I pull out a pack of cards.
No, Im not hungry. Do you want anything Danielle? He glances as a nurse pulls out the
wheelchair and places the IV stand by his bed.
No Im good. Thanks though. I start passing out cards and Mrs. Thomson and Anna leave.
Danielle? Sean stares at me, his green eyes swimming with goldfish.
What?
I-I want to say thanks for keeping me alive. His eyes are enchanting. I-I didnt have any will
to live until you came into the hospital room that first time. You gave me something to live for. I knew I
had to, otherwise youd be alone. Tears fill my eyes. Gosh this guy makes me emotional.
B-but I didnt do anything. My voice is cracked.

You were my friend, you stayed with me and are supportive of everything I do and you are the
best partner Ive ever had. I dont know what Id do without He takes a deep breath. Without you.
But you have other friends, why would I be better than all of those other people? My brain is
going on over load.
My other friends, none of them came to the hospital when they heard I was hurt. None of them
asked me to go with them to places that made them feel content His eyes fill with sea spray. I
guess that having someone who didnt act like they had it all together made me feel instantly want to be
friends with you. I knew that you were hurting as much His voice tremors. You were hurting as
much as I was. I dont understand. He seems to sense this. I need to tell your something Danielle, I
havent actually been completely honest with you. He closes his eyes and leans his head back on the
pillow.
What are you talking about?
Ive not been honest with my mom either. I wish hed just explain. He takes a deep breath.
My dad HeHe ah uh
Yes?
My dad hes a drug addict and hes been beating Anna and me up for for a couple of
years n-now. Hed threatened to kill me if Id if Id told anybody. Anna moved out a month or so
ago, Ive been so so alone. Ive never told anyone about it. N-not even my mom. Because I was
afraid that shed try to confront him, shed get hurt, a-and hed probably kill me. Hes crying, I wish
Id known. Hed say awful things to me, and to Anna before she moved, and it made me feel soso
worthless. Hed punch me, yell at me, threaten me, and hurt me for something not even that big of a
deal. L-like leaving something on the floor. His voice gets thick. I-Id never k-know what it feels llike to h-have a friend.
Im at a loss for words.
Are you ever going to tell your mom whats been going on?

I need to, but Im just scared that shell t-try to talk to him and w-who knows whatll happen.
His eyes are closed as he sets his head back against the pillow. I wish Id known what was going on. I
think of all of the times he must have been in pain, how I was there thinking about Emily constantly,
not realizing that there were people in pain all around me. I remember how hed wince when something
bumped against his arm. Or when hed doubled over for no reason that time on the beach.
Im so sorry Sean, I wish Id known. Is t-there anything I can do?
He shakes his head, leaning it back against the pillow.
I just needed to tell someone about it before I talked to mom. He smiles. Kinda like dress
rehearsal. We sit there, not saying anything, just living in the comfortable quiet of the hospital room.
The sun streaming in from the window. We dont say anything, and Im glad that he is my friend, that I
have helped him and havent burdened him with anything. For the first time since Emily died, I feel
like I have worth. That Im part of something bigger than I knew. I saved a life.
***
Okay honey, gently ease your arm up. Dont do it quickly, otherwise youll hurt yourself. A
nurse instructs. Sean lifts is slowly upwards, he grits his teeth and only is able to make it go parallel
with his shoulder before he cries out in pain and he lowers it. Then lifts it again a little higher than the
time before and then lowers it again. The exercises continue like this for an hour or so before the nurse
decides he is done for the day.
The doctor says that you are to be taken off of bed rest as soon as we can get your blood
pressure normal again. Then you will be permitted to go out of the hospital, maybe once or twice a
week for a few hours or so. Have a nice day. She helps him back into the wheelchair which I dont see
the point of anymore, since its his arm thats hurt, not his legs, but Mrs. Thomson rolls him down the
hall anyways, not making any objection. The doctors want to run some more tests on his blood pressure
to confirm the last tests taken. I cant wait until the results get in. Then maybe we can go to the last
place. The last place Emily and I visited. Its been about 2 months since the shooting. Feels like its

been longer.
Why does Sean need the wheel chair? I finally get up enough nerve to ask my dumb question.
Because his blood pressure is going wonky and it makes it more messed up or something if he
moves around. Anna explains. At least thats what I got out of the doctors long explanation. Also
Sean says he gets dizzy when he stands up. Anna clicks the button on the elevator door and we step on
with a few other people. The doors slide shut and open again a few seconds later. I wheel Sean over to
his room, his mom and sister following. The results will come in tomorrow. Anna opens the door to the
hospital room and we leave for the doctors to continue their tests.
***
I wave good bye to Sean and close the door behind me and walk down the long white hallways
towards the entrance of the hospital where my mom texted me saying shed pick me up. Shes sitting
there reading a magazine.
Hey Danielle, lets go. She grabs her bag and we head out to the car, the slush on the road
seeping its way into my flats. The car is warm from when mom was in there before. She shoves the
keys into the ignition. I need to talk to you. I know that tone. Its the, You didnt do anything wrong
but I want you to do something,
What? I pull my coat off and throw it on the back seat.
Well I was thinking, you havent been to school for almost two months so, I want you to go to
school tomorrow. Its just for the day. Im going to have to put you in summer school if you arent
learning enough dear. She turns the corner, the wheels splash in the muddy snow.
What? No mom, I cant go to school tomorrow. Seans test results come in tomorrow morning.
If I go to school She cuts me off.
You can call Mrs. Thomson at lunch or something dear, its not the end of the world. She
turns another corner and I see the ocean lining with the sun peeking up like a sliver of a grapefruit.
No mom, thats not the same. Ive got to be there, this is important.

Im sorry honey, you can call Sean when you get home and tell him dear. She pulls into the
garage.
No! Ive got to be there. Please mom, Ill go on any other day, but its important this time. I
open the car door and slam it.
Im sorry honey, you have to go tomorrow. If you miss one more day then you might get
expelled. She hands me a bag of groceries.
I dont care if Im expelled! I need to be at the hospital! My voice cracks and anger gushes
through me.
Dont shout at me in that tone Danielle. You are going to school tomorrow. You can call the
Thomsons after school or at lunch if you want an update. Ill take you to the hospital after school
tomorrow. She slams the back of the car and I stomp in, slam the grocery bag down on the kitchen
floor and skip the steps upstairs to my room.

Chapter 12
Blinking in the dusty stars
Tears like sea foam
Anticipation from afar,
Whisper to me about home.

I glare at my mom as I leave the house, heat flashing through me and I just want to be at the
hospital, talking to Sean about this, hugging him when he gets news about the tests, either crying or
laughing with him, either making plans or playing cards or laughing about something not that funny,
but unable to stop. But no, Im here, at the bus stop in the snow, going in the opposite direction of the
hospital. The bus pulls up and I refrain from snapping at a kid who takes my seat. The bus lurches off
with a sickening squeal. I text each of the Thomsons asking what time the results come in and telling
them to text me any updates that happen to come up unexpectedly. I wish I could transport myself back
over to the hospital and be there when the news on whether he can leave the hospital or not is good or
bad. I cross my fingers and pray that this day goes by fast. The huge yellow vehicle finally pulls up in
front of the school and I shuffle behind the other kids, my face flushing with annoyance that Im even
here.
Hey Danielle, the blond who was talking to Sean the other day about shampoo comes up to
me and flips her perfect Barbie doll pony tail. Havent seen you and Sean here in a while, She
cackles pettishly and swings a designer backpack that Ive seen on the front of a magazine over her
shoulder and saunters away. I guess she never was told what happened. Satisfaction fills me and Im
glad she doesnt know. She doesnt deserve to.
I wonder what Sean and Anna are doing. I wonder if they have results in yet. I wonder if hes
lonely, or if Mrs. Thomson had to go somewhere. I wonder what they are talking about. Are they happy

right now? Frustration runs through me and I check my texts again. Sean says
K But thats it. I guess that the test results havent come in yet. I walk into writing class, and
Im seated again with the non-existent nose kid again, and loneliness burns me and my chest hurts. My
palms are sweaty and I have to wipe them on the pant leg of my jeans. The day is almost over. Almost
over. I check texts again. Nothing. The last period passes, and I swear that the teacher kept us over for a
minute and a half on purpose. I rush out to the curb and the bus pulls up so slowly I swear its mocking
me. No texts from Sean. He must have the results by now. I stare out the window, the snow clicking
softly of the foggy glass. The bus lurches forward. The white snow flutters by in a blizzard of clouds. It
chugs, slowly, stopping at the several stops in the neighborhoods before mine. I want to yell at the
driver every time we stop, I clench my jaw shut to keep from screaming. Finally, the bus pulls into the
curb and I hop out and run the rest of the way home, the snow stings my face as I run, and I puff out
clouds of mist. I reach the garage and type in the password, and duck underneath the creaking door
before it opens all the way and pound inside.
Okay mom, Im home, lets go to the hospital. I stamp my boots off on the carpet, which is
her pet peeve but I do it anyways in annoyance. Impatience flutters through me.
Okay hon, wait a sec, She slips her boots and coat on and I rush her out to the car. We drive to
the hospital and I keep my brain in the mind set of, Ill be there in no time at all. I put my forehead on
the cold window watching as the world goes by, and sticking my hair to the window and breathing on it
so it freezes there. I hop out of the car when mom has secured a hospital parking space and walk as
quickly as I can without mom telling me to slow down. Warmth greets me, and butterscotch colored
light covers me gently in caramel. I show the receptionist my guest pass and she lets me by. I hurry into
his room.
I open the door and I see the sight Ive wanted to all day. Sean sitting in his bed with a
notebook sketching something, his trained hands gently brushing the page with the tip of his pencil
making enchanted moves that spark life into the drawing hes doing. Anna is texting and Mrs. Thomson

is reading a book on the science and anatomy of whales. Sean beams when he sees me and puts down
his note book. I know that if he were able to stand without falling backwards he would.
The results are in! He says, louder than Ive ever heard him say anything before.
Why didnt you text me? What are they? I suck in a deep breath and lick my lips, cross my
fingers.
Im allowed to get off of bed rest in a week! Isnt that wonderful! They say that my blood
pressure and all that will be all stabilized and stuff by that time! His eyes sparkle and hes so bubbly
Ive never seen him like this before. I like it though. I like seeing him happy and I realize that this is the
first time Ive seen his eyes light up. It makes me like him even more.
Thats great news! I give him an awkward hug that I hope didnt hurt him, but he doesnt
seem to show any type of pain. Just total complete happiness. Then I hear it. The most beautiful sound
Ive ever heard. Sean laughing, Ive heard him laugh before, sarcastically, but this is the first time Ive
heard a bubbling laugh of total bliss. I love it.
***
Okay Sean, keep your phone on and if you have problems call me. Im nearby. His mom
fusses over him and gives him instructions on what to do, and she has even armed me with an epi-pen
in case something goes wrong. I hope I dont have to use it. Alright, you two have fun alright?
Well be fine mom. See you for lunch. He gives her a peck on the cheek and walks over to
me. His arm is in the sling, but its strange to see him standing, a foot or two over me after seeing him
bed ridden for a couple months. We start our walk down the pier, the last place that Emily and I went to
that we havent visited yet. The pier is uneven and hurts my feet under the thin sole of my converse, but
I couldnt care less. The gulls above us, gray pelicans line the deck every few feet or so, and I breath
the salty air. Sean takes my hand in his good one and we walk, his hand warm against my stiff cold one.
We reach the end, where Emily and Id climb over the edge of it and sit underneath and wed pick the
clams off of the bottom of the deck. I figure that Sean cant climb down there so we sit and watch the

water. Bliss filling me, and I lay my head down on his shoulder and we watch the waves sparkle, and
Im content to stay here, frozen in this moment forever.

Epilogue

I stare at the clouds, the long whispering kind that I can imagine as her wings. Her hair flying
behind her, all grown back, the wind sounds like her laugh. Sean takes my hand and we sit there and
stare at the darkening clouds. She is there. I can feel it. I can feel her dancing, spinning around and her
smile splashing like a wave against the sand. There is a peace that I've never experienced since she
died. It is almost like I'm flying. We are flying together. I'm not alone. I can see now the world that
awed her. I understand her amazement in the rainbows that shot across the sky. I can see everything. I
feel a contentment.
You owe me a dance remember? He looks at me and I nod. Sean takes my hand, and we
dance across the sand, the stars begin to twinkle at us from the purple sky. I'm spinning. I'm letting go.
Not from the world I knew, but letting go the pain and the sadness. I don't want to forget her. And I
never will. The world watches us, we dance in the waves, and the waves watch the sun, and the sun
lets her dance on the light.