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Recessive Interest-Based Conflict

Recessive Interest-Based Conflict

Applying to Family Systems
Queens University of Charlotte
Conflict Management
Dr. Janet McPherson
Alec Rzepkowski

Conflict Application to Family Systems

How is it that you live in a family with few conflicts? How often is there an apparent
conflict in the family unit? How does one address the situation without compromising the
structure of the family? All of these are particular questions that I often asked myself all
throughout my adolescent years. Whether it was throughout high school and perhaps even
middle school, I very rarely identified or noticed a conflict between members of my family or
myself with my family members. I was always a very passive and harmonizing boy growing up.
I did what I was told by my parents and had no particular strong emotions of resentment towards
them. My parents were extremely accepting, yet firm and sturdy with their standards and for my
behavior. Adam and Brittany, my brother and sister, were similar in sharing the same traits as I
do; we would avoid confronting a head-on conflict with our parents because we knew that they
only wanted what was best for us and for our futures. We were also concerned with the fact of
balance in our relationship with them. In a small-scale social system, such as the family, most
processes concern equilibrium. Usually complementarity of roles is high, decision-making low,
and most events take place automatically. Spiegel, John P. (1957) However, as I aged and
started to notice more and more my interests and confidence growing, I gained sight of an
ongoing conflict I had with my father. This was no conflict of menial importance, but it would
have a say on my future and the result would take me on a path otherwise unnoticed.
In 5th grade, I was introduced to the sport of lacrosse by one of my best friends. From day
one, my father had supported me in my desires to learn to play lacrosse. I picked up the sport
quickly and grew to love the intensity, speed, and dynamics of the game. When I went to middle

Conflict Application to Family Systems

school, I got involved with the youth league in my town. We were given tryouts and selected to
particular teams based on our skill level. All of my friends played lacrosse and it seemed like the
rest of the towns kids did as well. The sport became extremely competitive even when I was
only 13. My father knew this as well and pushed me to be the best I could be. He knew that I had
passion for the sport and wanted to be the best so he did what he could to support me in any way
possible. By the time I had reached high school, junior varsity and varsity lacrosse were of
extreme importance in my area and at my school due to our winning-tradition. Playing lacrosse
for the school was self-supporting and rewarding so I continued to play it. I had achieved success
at a higher level of competition than I had before and merely continued to play it. I was also a
well-known goalie in the area and had been selected to try out for a variety of travel or club
teams. These teams travelled around the country, playing in tournaments and invitationals in
order to gain recognition for your name and area as well as practice during the summer.
However, I began to notice about the time of my sophomore year that playing lacrosse began to
have extreme importance in both my social life as well as my future.
As I began to become more and more involved with lacrosse, it started to become
apparent to me that my skills could potentially have an effect as to how my college experience
would pan out. Throughout all of the summer tournaments and travel teams, my dad and I were a
team through and through. My father also began to notice that my abilities had drawn attention
from college scouts and word of mouth. My father was behind me 24/7, whether it was money
for the tournaments, emotionally, or just being on the sideline, he was there. At the time, I

Conflict Application to Family Systems

whole-heartedly accepted my willingness to go all-in if it meant I would have the privilege of

playing in college.
However, there was a particular incident during the summer after my junior year of high
school at a recruiting tournament in Gettysburg, PA. I had been playing well all day, and my
father was giving me appraisal and encouragement. However, in the last game, we played a
Canadian powerhouse team, and I had been emailed by a scout saying that he would be able to
see me play that game. My father knew this as well. My team got destroyed by the Canadians
and I had a less-than perfect game. I approached my father after the game and quickly noticed
that he was acting differently. He noticed me walking towards me and walked away with his
chair, without acknowledging me. My father eventually turned around, and in front of all of my
teammates and their parents immediately started yelling in my face with disgust. He said things
like, What the F*** are you doing out there? Are you even trying? Do you actually care
about this or am I just wasting my F***ing time and money? It was this particular triggering
event, which not only made me cry in front of everyone, but realize that I had a conflict of
interest and desires with my father. However, I did not truly grasp the importance of the conflict
because of my own unawareness of my true desires. He also made it clear to me that he wanted
to make sure that my abilities were recognized and that I was rewarded for all of my hard work
by finding me a place to place college ball at.
The Power Struggle:

Conflict Application to Family Systems

That particular incident will be forever etched in my mind as the day it all started. Sure, I
continued to play lacrosse and my father apologized for his actions, saying he only wished the
best for me. It turned out that the scout was not dissuaded by my poor game he witnessed, but
took a more active role in making sure that I attended his school to play lacrosse. At the time, in
fear of my fathers power and dominance, I continued to lie to myself and tell myself that
collegiate lacrosse was what I wanted. Emotions of stronger accountability and feelings that I
owed it to my father to follow through with my original intent came over me. I was blinded by
my consideration and emotions so that I was unable to see that I made my interests the ones of
my father. I chose to attend and play lacrosse at Queens University of Charlotte with the
primary hopes of making my father proud and satisfied. Even though I held the power of choice
in this situation, my father held higher factors of money, status, and regard. Throughout my
entire life, I endorsed these factors and granted power to my father. I naturally assumed that
these resources, along with the fact that he was my father and I cared what he wanted, were
sources of his power. The use of power imposes constraints on others. A power move usually
brings about a reduction of the other parties options by limiting the moves they can make,
eliminating a possible solution to the conflict. Folger, Poole, Stutman (2013) I lived true to this
fact and allowed his interests and desires to dictate my own and continue to limit my willingness
to dig deep into my heart and tell him that it was not what I wanted. In most power-based
conflict situations, the desires of the weaker party are not always seen as legitimate. In this case,
I saw my own desires as less-legitimate.

Conflict Application to Family Systems

Realization and Negotiation:

During my time of serious lacrosse, which was about junior year to freshman year of
college, I would occasionally hint to my father my lack of motivation and desire to play. I did
not do a very good job of actually expressing my desires and interests to him, but made it clear
that the sport was starting to become harder and harder to play. Most of the time he responded by
either buying me a new piece of equipment or giving me something he knew Id appreciate such
as food or more support.
It wasnt until about halfway through my first semester of college where my father and I
made our differences of desires noted to each other. Over time, I started to reveal to him that the
sport was no longer enjoyable to me and that it was just not worth investing any more of my time
in. However, most often he just urged me to continue with it and create promises of it improving
as long as I continue to put in work. Around this time was when my father and I entered the
differentiation stage and individually realized that we had a clear difference in desires. He began
to enquire about my status and make-known his desires for me to continue the sport. Negotiating
with my father was something new to me, because he was always asserting his dominance in a
fight or conflict. Conflicts, defined as oppositional interactions, are seen as natural interpersonal
sequelae in shifts of role expectations associated with age-graded transitions and maturational
changes. Collins, W Andrew. Laursen, Brett (1992) Most of my father and Is negotiating
tactics involved wishes and desires rather than implicating personal action. I did make it clear to
him that I no longer wanted to continue to play the sport and he made it clear to me that he
wanted me to follow through the rest of the year. This entailed a period of inflexibility in the

Conflict Application to Family Systems

two-stage conflict model where we both somewhat avoided the topic because I knew personally
that I could not just up and quit so I continued to drone on through the rough times. It was not
until school had ended and my parents had come to take me home for the summer that my father
and I entered the Integration stage. He noticed how unhappy I was and I knew how much of a
proud father he was for having an outstanding student-athlete. We realized the legitimacy of each
others issues and were willing to make compromises and sacrifices to reach a common
equilibrium.
Reaching a Solution and Discovering Alternatives:
This conflict did end in a particular manner, but there were several thoughts and factors
on both sides which had an overall effect on the final outcome and could have sent the outcome
in a clear opposite direction. It was that summer that my parents and I sat down to discuss the
matter face-to-face and come to a final decision. My father, along with my mother, had carefully
assessed the idea of me not playing lacrosse for the school. One of their major concerns was that
I would fall into the pit of so many others and succumb to a downward spiral of drinking and bad
grades. They always say lacrosse as a way to keep me occupied and out of trouble, which I
didnt necessarily agree with because if I wanted to get in trouble, I could have but I chose not
to. An alternative solution was proposed by my parents that if I were to get a job, they would
allow me to quit lacrosse. They did allow me to quit in the end of the discussion. This solution
worked for both parties because both of our interests were met and we were both able to sacrifice
to benefit each other. To my surprise, my father left me with words of encouragement. He chose
to leave the ROTC program at Virginia Tech, but he often thinks back to it and his decision to

Conflict Application to Family Systems

quit. What keeps him from regretting his decision was that in the end, he was able to meet my
mom in Baltimore and marry her and have me. He was somewhat upset about my decision, but
knew from first-hand experience that big decisions can reveal big results.
Interactional View:
This theory, developed by Paul Watzlawick looks at the family unit in relation to the
original general systems theory. Wherein, the parts (members) are interrelated and affect one
another. If you were to change one part of the system, you change the whole system. It is
impossible to understand the family unit in isolation of only one member because they are all
affecting one another and must be studied as an entirety. Often, systems strive for but never
achieve equilibrium and resist change. This was the case with my family because we often tried
to avoid conflict because it would only bring about lurking tension and issues that did not need to
be brought up. My two siblings and I were never the ones to challenge our parents in their
decisions or requests for us and that encouraged homeostasis in our family unit. Although the
primary conflict involved my father and me, it involved all of the members of our family in the
end. In order to spark change in a system, you must take it upon yourself to change your
accountability for your own actions. Griffin, Em (2012) I chose to take action and in-doing so,
the entire family sparked change in their expression of interest and desires. Change was not only
sparked in mine and my fathers aspect but the rest of the family as well. My brother and sister
were able to be more open with our family and at that moment, I felt as if all of us as siblings
could express our true feelings and interests. Everyone, including my parents were on board to
change how the family operates on a social level and meaning level. Griffin (2012)

Conflict Application to Family Systems

The conflict overall allowed for many effects and triggers to take place in our family unit
and in my particular relationship with my parents. Primarily from this conflict, my family is now
willing to freely express their ideas, whether they are out of favor or trying to shift the balances
of power around. Before, my parents solely held most of the power because of the resources they
possessed, but after the conflict interaction they were willing to endorse a few of our powers as
their children. Some say that conflict leads only do spiraling inversion of inner angst and
troubles, but from this conflict my relationship with my father has never been stronger. He trusts
me know and is more willing to let me take the reins and possibly make a mistake rather than
strictly guide me where he wants me to go. This was, in my life, the most difficult and
emotionally wrenching conflicts that I have encountered so far in my life and I am so thankful
that I did. Because I quit lacrosse, I was able to go on spring break the next year with a group of
friends to Florida. Low and behold, I met my now girlfriend on that trip and I have been with her
ever since. If I had continued to suppress my emotions and feelings, I would be a very different
person than I am right now in this moment.

References

Conflict Application to Family Systems

10

Folger. Poole. Stutman. (2013) Working Through Conflict: Strategies for Relationships, Groups,
and Organizations. New Jersey: Pearson Education, Inc.
Griffin, Em. (2012) A First Look at Communication Theory. New York: Mcgraw-Hill Companies
Inc.
Speigel, John P. (1957). The Resolution of Role Conflict within the Family Psychiatry: Journal
for the Study of Interpersonal Processes, Vol 20, 1-16.
W. Collins, Andrew. Laursen, Brett. (1992), Conflict in child and adolescent development.
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