WhentheWallsWatch

Click.Thetimenowread12:00AM.ThealarmblaredinmyearsnotlikeIneeded
thatalarm,Ihadn'tsleptforweeksasI'vestruggledwithmyinsomnia.Ilookedoveratthe
clockslowly,ifImovedtoofast,theywouldhearme.IwidenedmyeyesasIclickedthequiet
beepingofanalarmoff.Iknewtheywerecoming,Icouldheartheirnailsscratchinginsidemy
head,thoselong,razorsharpnails,thatcouldcutthroughskinlikeknivesthroughsoftbutter,
withsucheasealas,thesewerenotnails,butclawsthatleftthegruesomescarsupmylegs
andarms,thescarsofthescreamshavenotfadedinmymemory.IstoodupfromwhereI
wassittingonthedisheveledbed.Ihadn'tcleanedthisapartmentinmonths,haven'teven
daredtoturnonthelightsinyears,soIcanseethedemonsthathauntmeinthelight.
Breathingheavily,Iwalkedoutoftheroomandintothehallway,whichwasscatteredwith
newspaperarticles.Articlesaboutthisveryapartmentcomplex,aboutthestrange
disappearancesandhowtheythinkthatIaminvolved.Howtheythinkthat
I
havekillednearly
halfoftheresidentshere,howtheythinkI'mahomicidalmaniac.
TheonlyreasonIhaventbeenevacuatedandarrestedisbecausethemanageristooafraid
tomovemehethinksthathellbethenexttodie.

Iwasnowfacingthewall,sittingagain.Icouldn'tmovetoofastthisearly,Idon'twant
tobethenextonefounddead.Thenagain,deathmightbeabetteranswerthanwaitingand
listeningtotheaccursedsoundoftheclawsringingagainstmyearseverynight,andthe
continuedbattleagainstmyownsanityasthedaycontinues.Ilookedatthewall.Therewas
onlyonepicturehangingthere,aphotographofmyparentsfromtheirwedding.Itwasthe
onlypicturethatIdecidedtoleaveonthewall.TherestIhadburnedafterwhatIhadseen
themdotomybelovedparents.Myminddriftedbacktothatwretchednight.

......................................

Iwasthirteen.Iwokeat12:15AMhearingscratchingandthescreamingofmymother
comingfromthekitchen.Ijumpedoutofbedandrandownthehallwaybutstoppeddeadin
mytracks.Thefloorwasdifferent.Wehadlighthardwoodfloorsthroughoutourentirehome,
butglimpsingdownthedimlylithallway,ourfloorschangedtowhatlookedlikeblack,shag
carpet.ThatswhenIsawitmovethefloor.Itappearedtoshifttowardsme,asspecksof
glowingredstaredbackatme.Rats,thatswhatwascoatingmyfloor,gigantic,hairy,rats.
Theysmelledme:smelledmyfear,mypulse,myheartpumpingbloodfasterthanithadever
donebefore.Thescreamingcontinued,asIcouldhearthefearthrobbinginthebackofmy
momsthroatandthetearsbeggingtoescapeshewantedtocrysobadly,shewassoafraid.
Mydadsangrygruntsalongwiththedisturbingsoundofsquealinginagonyandtheloud
thwackofawoodenbatonourgranitecountertopechoedthroughtheapartment.

Istoodinthekitchen.IcantevenrememberhowIgotthere,Ijustrememberseeing
theratsstarttoclimbupmylegs.Icouldfeeltheirclawsburrowingintomyskin,deeper,

deeper,intomyveins.Isawmyparentsstaringinshockbackatme.Mydadsteppedoffthe
counter,wheremymomremainedstillinshock.Hewascalm,andmovedslowly,asifIwas
somekindofdistraction.Hegrabbedmebytheshouldersandflungmeacrosstheroomand
myheadhittheedgeofourglasscoffeetable.Iproceededtoblackout,butasmyvisionand
hearingwasfading,Icouldhearmymomcryingfromacrosstheroomandmydadtellingme
thathelovedme.Then,allwasblack.

IdontknowhowlongIwasunconscious,butitcouldnthavebeenlong.Myheadwas
throbbing.Ireachedtothebackofmyhead,andcouldfeeltheunfamiliarcoldnessofdried
blood.Myvisioncamebackinspots.ImnotsureifitwasbetterthatwaybecausewhatIsaw
whentheblurrinessclearedwassomethingthatwouldrendermewithmentalscarsforthe
restofmyshortlife.ThefirstthingIsawwasthealltoofamiliarcolorofcrimson,whichshined
inthemorningsunlight,blood.Itsironlikescentwasstainingtheairaroundme.Ithenheard
myalarmgooffforschool,theradiowasplayingSweetCarolinethismorning.Thenextthing
Isawwasanoutstretchedhand,halfdevoured.Myfather.Myvisionfinallybalancedoutas
thegruesomesceneunfolded.Thebothofthem,mymotherandfather,weredead.Their
eyesweregougedout,fingersweremissing,clothesweretattered,theirfacesjustaheavy
massoftornskin,blood,andbone.Clawmarkswerescattereduptheirarmsandlegs.My
motherwaslyingfacedown,oratleastwhatcouldbecalledfacedown,atleast,whatwasleft
ofaface.Aratwasstilleatingthefleshoffofherexposedspine.Whenitsawme,itranoff,
intotheairvent.Itsfeetleftsmallprintsonthefloorwithmymomsbloodasitscurriedaway.

Andjustlikethat,Iwasanorphan.

Ihadcaughtmybreathagain.Istooduponthebleakandwornfloor.Thelightshad
burntoutmonthsago,Ineverturnedthemoffoutoffearthatthedarkwouldcalltheratsback
totheapartment.Iwasintheaccursedroomnow,thekitchen,thereasonthatIdidnteat
much.Irefusedtostayinthatroomfortoolong.Thebodieswerestillintheapartment,I
neverhadthehearttomovethem,evenaftertheystartedtodecompose.Ilookedovertomy
dadscorpse,slowlytreadingtonotdisturbhim.Squattingdownontheballsofmyfeet,I
staredathisface.Hismouthwasgaping,Iwenttothelivingroom,stillthinkingaboutthat
nighttwoyearsago.IkeepthinkingthattheremustvebeensomethingIcouldvedone.I
couldverun,Icouldvesavedthem,instead,IstoodstillIwasafraid.

Istartedtogetangry.IgrabbedmyheadandscreamedasloudasIcould.Ipaced
aroundtheroom,seethingwithrage.Ibegantothrowthings.Myeyesflickedaroundthe
roomforthenearestobject.Themirroronthewallwouldhavetosuffice.Igrabbedit,my
knucklesturningwhite,andIcouldfeeltheglasscrackingundermystronggrip.Themirror
shatteredwhenithitthewallandIlookeddownatmyhands.Smalldotsofbloodbeganto
formatmypalmsIwipeditonmyfaceandwalkedovertotheshatteredremainsofthe
mirror.Iheldthelargestfragmentinmyhandsasmydirtyreflectionstaredbackatme.Idont

rememberthelasttimeIactuallylookedinthismirror.IdidntlookthesameasIhadbefore.
Butyet,itlookedexactlythesametome.Itookmyroughfingersandtouchedmythinand
paleskin.Ifeltlikeelastic,likeIwasarubberdoll.Myeyesstartedtotearup.Ilookedjustlike
mymomdidonthatnightIlookedafraid,alone.Ilookeddead.Briefly,Itouchedmyhair,
whichIcanpresumewasblondsometimeago.IhaventbeencleansinceIcantremember
when.Thecolorofmyeyeswastheonlythingthatshockedme.Despiteallthechangesthat
havehappened,Istillhavemydadsbrighteyes,asblueasthesea.

Tearspooledinmyeyesandstreameddownmydirtyface.WhathaveIdone?Maybe
Ihavemurderedallthesepoorpeople,allthemotherswhowillneverspeaktotheirsons,and
fatherswhowillneverwalktheirdaughterdowntheaisle.Suddenlyrealizationsweptover
me,andIstartedsobbinghysterically.
WhatifImurderedmyownparents?
Icouldntlivelike
that.Iwouldntdarelookatmyselfinthemirror.Ishookmyhead,tryingtorushthethought
outofmybrain,tryingtoswallowit,toholditdown,butthetearskeptcoming.ItwaslikeI
wasdrowninginmyowninsanity,slowlybecomingsickerandsickerasthedays,months,
years,perhapsevendecadespast.Iwouldbestuckinsideofthesestainedwhitewallsfor
myentirelife.Atleastuntilsomeonedaredtoopenthedoortothisapartmentandfound
rottingbodiesandbrokenglasssurroundingtheemptycarcassofaboyinthemiddleofitall,
likeacarinthemiddleofamassivepileup.Iwouldthenbetransportedinavehiclewith
whitewalls,andputintoaroomwithpaddedwhitewalls,wearingwhiteclothingthatIcouldnt
restrainmyselfin..Iwouldbeprovenguiltyofhomicideandsenttomydeath.Iwouldntbe
givenafinalmeal,becauseIstillwouldbarelyeatenoughtosustainmyself,asIwouldforget
whatfoodtastedlike.Andevenifanyoneshowedtomydeath,nobodybuttheeyesofthe
reaperhimselfwouldwatchmeasIwhimperwithwhatvoiceIhaveleft,

Ididntdoit.

Andnobodywouldbelieveme.

Iwipedmyfacewithmybloodiedhands.Thiswasmenow.Ineedtofacethetruth,I
dontevenknowifwhatIrememberfromtwoyearsagoisreal.Mymindhasbeguntodistort
itself.Istaredoutofthelargewindow.Iletmythoughtsdriftintowhatevertheywished.ThenI
rememberedsomething.Ineveropenedthewindow.Click.Itwasnow3:00AM.

..

Click.12:00PM.Isatcrouchedonthefloor,theglassfragmentssurroundingme.I
hadeatenasingleegg,spoiled,andbarelycooked,alongwithasingleglassofwater.Light
glintedthroughthewindow,splittingintoseveralbeams,hittingthemirrorshardsonthefloor.
Isaycurledintoaballonmyside,suckingmythumbprofusely.Ithadbeenalongtimesince
Ifeltthisvulnerable,this...alone.Duringmysinglemeal,Iusuallytakeapillformy
schizophrenia,whatthedoctorshaddiagnosedmewiththelasttimeIlefttheapartment
complex.Zyprexa,I'llneverforgetthename,thenamethatrangoffthetonguelikeasmooth

spoonfulofcustardonahot,summerday.Justtwodaysago,Iranoutofpills.Inever
believedthemanwhotoldmeaboutthissupposed"defect"whatdidheknow?

'Hehasn'tseenwhatI'veseen,smelledhisownparentsrottinginthesameroomas
helivedthroughit.Itwasimpossible.Hewaslyingtome,topreventmefromleavingforthe
looneybin,hewasn'thelpingme.Butifhewasn't,whydidIlistentohim?Maybeitwasto
relievethepaininside,maybeitwasforthepills,forZyprexa.SoIcouldbreatheandthink
clearly,butwhatGodhasthatdone?'Isat,thinkingtomyself.

Istoodupsuddenly,asifIhadnocontrolovermyactions.Turningaround,Ilookedat
thebodies,thentothekitchencountertop,thenbackagain.Isteppedthroughtheglassand
wentintothekitchen.IstartedtopanicasIrippedopenthekitchendrawers,searching
desperatelyforourhousekey.Nobodycouldcomein,andnobodywouldbelettingmeout,
includingmyself.Thedrawers'contentswerenowscatteredacrossthefloor.Ikneeleddown
andscrapedthroughitallallthesilverware,Ziplocbags,thescissors,knives,noneofit
matteredtome,Ineededthatkey.Myeyeswidenedwithrealization.Iwasgoingtohaveto
gointomyparentsbedroom,theyhaveakey,no,
thekey.
Isprintedthroughthehouse,
runningintotablesandwallsdeliriously.Ismashedintotheirdoor,bangingmyfistsonthe
door,demandingtobeletin.
Theknob,thedoorknob,Ihadtoturnit.Whichway?MyhandsshookasItouchedthecool
metalandwithit'scooltouch,myhandimmediatelyjerkedback.Itwassounfamiliar,closed
doors.Iturnedtheknobandthedoorswungopen.

Inside,stoodmyparents.Theydidn'tevenlookalive,liketheywereresurrectedfrom
theworldofthedead.Whenmymomsawme,shesmiled.Itcouldn'thavebeenher,butthen
shesaidmyname.Ihardlyrememberedmyname...ItriedtoforgetitafterIheardher
screamingitwhentheratscame.Iwalkedintotheroom,closertomyparents.Mydadhada
glazedlookonhisface,likehismindwassomewhereelse.Itwasdoubtfulthathewasall
here.Heneverwasabletothinkaboutonethingatatimewithoutbeingdistractedbysome
innerthought.But,justlikemymother,hesmiledandwaved,withoututteringasingleword.I
creptclosertothem,reachingmyhandoutandmymom'shand.