Scenes From Lysistrata and Tartuffe

(Paraphrased and Modernized)

1. Lysistrata (pages 218-221)
Episode
(Spartan Ambassador enters with chorus leader on stage)
Spartan Ambassador: (has an erection) Soyeah Im pretty sure you can
see this
Chorus Leader: Gosh! Your problems grow really hard, and it looks worse!
Spartan Ambassador: Yes! I wish we can make peace! Now!
Chorus Leader: I see someone is coming! He looks like he has a hard problem
as well!
(Athenian Ambassador enters)
Athenian Ambassador: Yes! It is worse! We need peace now!
Chorus Leader: Maybe, you should hide that thing!
Athenian Ambassador: Whats up Spartan?
Spartan Ambassador: We are having a terrible time here!
Athenian Ambassador: Did you invite Lysistrata? I think she was invited
through Facebook. Shes the only one who can help us!
Spartan Ambassador: I think so.
(Lysistrata enters)
Athenian Ambassador: Lysistrata! She must have received the Facebook
invite!
Chorus Leader: Alright! Now, tell them how you are going to solve this
problem!
Lysistrata: Oh, thats an easy one! But, firstthe naked lady!
(Naked lady enters)
1

Lysistrata: Make sure everyone is here! Ok, good. We are all here! First point,
you want to go after is the Greeks! They took everything from you! Dont
forget!
Athenian Ambassador: My you-know-what is about to burst!
Lysistrata: Now, Spartans, remember what the Athenians did for you that was
good.
Athenian Ambassador: Its their fault!
Spartan Ambassador: Its our fault, but look at that fine butt!
Lysistrata: Oh, dont forget what the Spartans did for you too! They helped
you as well!
Spartan Ambassador: (gazing at naked lady) She is really a nice lady.
Athenian Ambassador: (at naked lady) I want you!
Lysistrata: So why are you at war then? Never mind. Lets go naked lady.
Spartan Ambassador: Wait! We are ready to make a deal! (end scene)

Lysistrata (pages 211-215)

Episode
Lysistrata: (enters) Ladies! Come here!
Wife: (enters with all the ladies) Whats going on?
Lysistrata: There is a man coming!
Wife: Who is it?
Lysistrata: Hes right there! Do you know him? (Kinesias is standing off in the
corner)
Myrrhine: Thats just my husband, Kinesias!
Lysistrata: Alright, you know what to do, but dont give in all the way. Quick,
places!
2

(Everyone hides besides Myrrhine and Lysistrata while Kinesias enters)

Kinesias: Uh, this sucks! Who are you?
Lysistrata: You better leave!
Kinesias: Im a man! You cant throw me out! Where is my wife?
Lysistrata: She is right here! (leaves)
Kinesias: Lets get to business! I am on a time schedule!
Myrrhine: I dont want to!
Kinesias: Will you do it for the baby? (baby enters)
Myrrhine: My baby! (goes to Kinesias)
Kinesias: Our house is a mess!
Myrrhine: Then I should go home, but I must stay here.
Kinesias: Then there must be time for business! If you know what I mean.
Myrrhine: Not in front of the baby!
Kinesias: Oh, no! Take him back home! Come on, already! (baby leaves)
Myrrhine: I must take a shower first.
Kinesias: Hurry up then.
(Myrrhine leaves and comes back)
Kinesias: Ready my dear?
Myrrhine: I must make the bed! You dont want to have a messy bed!
Kinesias: It doesnt matter if its messy. We will be messing it up!
Myrrhine: Oh, I better get a pillow then! (leaves and comes back with a
pillow)
Kinesias: Are you quite finished?
3

Myrrhine: And dont forget the blankets! (leaves and comes back with a
blanket)
Kinesias: Seriously?
Myrrhine: (sprays perfume) Does this perfume smell good enough?
Kinesias: Oh my god! Why do you do this me?!
Myrrhine: Oh, by the way. I cant break the oath. Sorry. (end scene)

Tartuffe (pages 1258-1262)

2.4

(Valre and Mariane are on stage)

Valre: Ive heard some bad news!
Mariane: My father is making me marry Tartuffe!
Valre: Do you want to?
Mariane: If my father wants me to, then I should.
Valre: But you cant.
Mariane: Why cant I?
Valre: Because you love me, and you are suppose to marry me!
Mariane: I dont love you, I must do what my father wants me to do! Just
forget me!
Valre: Oh. Well, if you dont. Then I should just go!
Mariane: Ok. Go.
Valre: Bye.
Mariane: Bye.
(Valre tries to leave but comes back)
Valre: Did you say something?
Mariane: Nope.
4

Valre: Okay, then. Talk to you later.

Mariane: See ya!
Dorine: (enters) Hold on! Dont be stupid!
Valre: Dont make me madder than I am right now!
Dorine: Really? You cant see how much see loves you?
Valre: She says she doesnt love me.
Dorine: And dont you see how much he loves you?
Mariane: He is too mad to care.
Dorine: Come here!
Mariane: I cant do this!
Valre: She cant stand me!
Dorine: Stop! You two are being dumb. (to Mariane)You cant marry Tartuffe
because you two are meant to be with each other!
Mariane: Why?
Dorine: Its a long story, but it would be bad if you did! Make sure you marry
her!
Valre: I do love you!
Mariane: And you are the only one for me!
Dorine: Okay, now. (to Valre) Go!
Valre: (leaves but comes back) One more thing
Dorine: Shut up and get out! (end scene)

Tartuffe (pages 1276-1279)

4.5
5

(Elmire is on stage and Orgon is under the table)

Tartuffe: (enters) So, you want to talk?
Elmire: Yes, but close the door. I dont want anyone else to know. I think I
have a crush on you.
Tartuffe: Wait. Why the sudden change of feelings?
Elmire: I cant hide these feelings anymore, and you cant marry Mariane!
Tartuffe: Well, that is nice. I dont want to marry her anyway. Im only here
for you, if you know what I mean.
Elmire: (coughs) Oh, lovely. Just lovely. Why move so fast?
Tartuffe: I must have the whole thing.
Elmire: I cant deny your love, but dont use it against me.
Tartuffe: Do you not have the passion for me then?
Elmire: This is a sin.
Tartuffe: There is clearly pure intention here. Just let it happen.
Elmire: (coughs)
Tartuffe: You still have a cough? Here have a cough drop.
Elmire: Oh, yes. This cold sucks.
Tartuffe: It must suck indeed.
Elmire: Yep.
Tartuffe: Now, where were we? Dont worry about sinning. No one has to
know.
Elmire: (coughs) It will be a worse sin for you.
Tartuffe: I can take anything that comes my way.
Elmire: Im sure my husband is nearby.
6

Tartuffe: Ill make sure he isnt. (end scene)

Scenes From Lysistrata and Tartuffe

(Paraphrased and Modernized)
Characters List:
Actress:

Character:

Claire Lippe:

Chorus Leader
Myrrhine
Valre

Holli Turek:

Athenian Ambassador
Wife
Dorine
Orgon

Suzanne Smith:

Spartan Ambassador
Kinesias
Baby
Naked Lady
Tartuffe

Erin Zoromski:

Lysistrata
Mariane
Elmire