The Five Flirting Styles: by Jeffrey A. Hall, Ph.D. Online Chapter: The Friend Zone

The Five Flirting Styles
Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want
By Jeffrey A. Hall, Ph.D.

Online Chapter: The Friend Zone
In a classic episode of the hit comedy Friends, Joey and Ross lament the difficulty of
starting a romantic relationship with a close friend. Joey calls it the friend zone. This unfortunate
situation occurs when you become close friends with your crush because they didnt get the hint
you wanted something more. Or because, as Joey kindly observes, you waited too long to make
your move. This special online chapter is dedicated to everyone who has gotten stuck in the
friend zone at one time or another.
Is your flirting style the cause of being in the friend zone? It sure is. Those with Sincere
and Polite flirting styles are really good at being in long-term relationships, but they sometimes
stall out in the friend zone on their way to one. By comparison, Playful flirts are more likely to
stall out in a friends-with-benefits zone, which comes with its own costs and, obviously, benefits.
Because physical flirts communicate their romantic interest so early after meeting someone, they
are infrequent visitors to the friend zone.
The delicious irony about this episode of Friends is that Rachel and Ross do end up
together after all (albeit after 10 seasons). In fact, the whole premise of the show is about
translating friendship into love. Even Chandler and Monica end up together. What Im trying to
tell you is that the friend zone isnt a dead end after all. Lets say you are friends with your crush,
now what can you do about it? How can you get out? This special online chapter is all about the
challenges and perils of dating a friend, having your flirting mistaken as friendly, and the
consequences of manoeuvring between friendship and sexual attraction and back again. I will
hopefully give you the answers you seek and good ideas for getting out that use your particular
flirting style to your advantage.
FRIENDS AND FLIRTING
A close friend of mine once told me that she couldnt begin to count the number of times
that she was on a date with a guy but she never knew it. He never told me, shed protest. That
is, until he was trying to kiss me on the way to the door. Remembering this choice quote made
me wonder, what makes the friend zone different than platonic friends? To paraphrase Harry
from When Harry Met Sally, can women and men ever be friends without the sex part getting in
the way? Is a friendship mixed with sexual attraction (or sex) inherently a Molotov Cocktail or
just an Old Fashioned? Lets get some of the important details ironed out.
Quotable
Sexual tension in cross-sex friendships is a double-edged sword, providing arousal and
excitement on the one hand, and discomfort, distrust, and uncertainty on the other.
-
Relationship researchers Egland, Spitzberg, & Zormeier
What are we dealing with?

First things first, it is absolutely possible for men and women to maintain high-quality and
long-term friendships without hooking up or dating one another. Not only do such friendships
exist; they are on the rise. Due to the gradual deterioration of barriers between men and women
in schools, on the job, and just about everywhere else and due to relaxing sexual standards and
morays, young men and women and professional adults are more likely to be friends now than
ever before in American history. In fact, 92% of young adults can name a close friend of the
opposite-sex. Probably every one reading this book has had a platonic friendship that they truly
valued at some point in their lives. Even now you might have a treasured platonic friend from
college, work, or from your neighborhood. However, just because it is possible, it doesnt mean
that it isnt fraught with challenge. Whether or not they exist is one thing, but how they function
is another. Are people able to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite-sex without
someone getting jealous, catching feelings, or wanting something more? Well, that is a different
story.
It is absolutely possible to have a romance- and sex-free platonic friendship, but other
people might not see it that way. It used to be so uncommon that women and men were just
friends that nobody believed it when they saw it. The friendship was always hinted at, gossiped
about, or assumed that something else was going on. These days, it is not so clear. The old taboo
of spending time with an opposite-sex friend has nearly disappeared. College students hang out
in groups of cross-sex friends and sometimes have cross-sex roommates they arent sleeping with.
Yet, it is still difficult for a girl to explain to her boyfriend that she is going to go hang out with
her best guy friend for the night (Thats going to go over really well). But, if he objects, does your
boyfriend have a point? Arent most platonic friendships simply in a relational holding pattern
until someone makes a move toward take off or landing?
How often does this happen?
Your (or your partners) suspicions are warranted. When asked about their opposite-sex
friendships, nearly 52% of people said they were either openly or secretly attracted to a platonic
friend. For most people, platonic friendships are a pathway to romance: two-thirds of men and
nearly half of women agreed that friendship could become a path towards sexual intimacy. A
cross-sex friend might be a legit rival too. One-third of those who had had sex with a cross-sex
friend were dating someone else at the time. Even when nothing happens, physically that is, and
no one openly expresses their sexual or romantic interest, it is extremely likely that at least one
side of a boy-girl friendship has considered the possibility of romance (or maybe has just
considered sex). Why is this so commonplace? Cant women and men just be friends?
The Survey Says
About 15% of men and women say they are currently trying to get a close friend interested in
something more.

Part of what is so hard about keeping a platonic friendship from developing into
something more is that cross-sex friendships are awesome! These unique friendships offer us
valuable insight into the mind of the opposite sex, and as such they can become trusted
informants and confidants. Cross-sex friendships are beneficial for men particularly. For many
young men, having a friendship with a woman opens up a world where they may not have
travelled before. Men get to enjoy lots of things that they really cant do with most guy friends,
like share personal stuff (aka feelings), or maybe go to a museum, play, or concert that is
considered un-manly. For a lot of single guys, theyd never get their hug quotient met without
having some female friends around.
Women also benefit from having a guys perspective on things, particularly a guys
perspective on other guys (i.e., Youre a guy, tell me what is he thinking?). Women also love
having guy friends because they are simply less drama than many of their girl friends. Friendship
with a guy doesnt entail as many oughts and shoulds. For example, Dr. Diane Felmlee found
that compared to girlfriends, guy friends are a lot more forgiving of cancelling plans. Guys arent
easily disappointed because they expect less from their friends than women do. It is more of a
nonchalant whatever response than a pointed Im disappointed in you response. In fact, the #1
benefit of having guy friends reported by college women is a lack of drama (offered by nearly 50%
of women). Only 2% of college men mentioned a lack of drama as a benefit of being friends with a
woman.
If it looks like a date. As a consequence of these terrific benefits, a platonic friendship
starts to look a lot like a dating relationship. Especially when it comes to sharing emotions and
feelings, men begin to confuse emotional intimacy with romantic attraction. While this is also
true for women, guys sharing emotions with a friend might be something they arent familiar
with. That sort of thing is reserved for the very close guy friends and girlfriends. What is
particularly confusing about a close platonic friend is that they become extremely hard to
distinguish from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Talking, sharing, making time for one another, and
sharing interests is equally common in a platonic friendship and someone you are romantically
pursuing. One study found that people actually like their cross-sex friends just as much as their
romantic partners! All of these great benefits become a very important reason for not risking the
friendship because of new and confusing romantic or sexual feelings. The bottom line is this: You
dont want to lose what youve got for the possibility of something more.
The Friend Zone: How did I get here?
I was flirting, but you missed it. How did you end up in a cross-sex friendship?
Really, there are two separate things going on here. Both of them are important for
understanding how your flirting style may have gotten you into this hot mess to begin with.
Understanding how it happened can help you get out.
The friend zone is very different from a platonic friendship. People who are in the friend
zone are one of two types. The first pathway to the friend zone is exemplified by people like Ross.
Throughout the 10 seasons of Friends, he was trying to maintain a good friendship with Rachel
all the while romantically pining for her. No matter what else was going on relationship-wise
(Ross even gets married and divorced several times along the way), he still wants to be with
Rachel. This exemplary citizen of the friend zone is more typical of people whose method of
communicating romance is a little too subtle to be obvious. Essentially, your flirting style is the
cause of your friend zone woes.
Some people say that friendship is a Trojan Horse; concealing little warriors of love who
will spring out under the cover(s) of night. Im not convinced that people are so strategic. Im
quite sure that someone has tried to become friends first with their crush to ingratiate themselves
all the while concealing their romantic desire. But, my thinking is they arent really trying to be
sneaky about it. If they were, arent they just setting themselves up for bigger and more painful
disappointment if those feelings arent shared? Im guessing the crush would also feel badly
deceived if a person sprung their attraction on them all the sudden after intentionally becoming
friends first. In the Trojan Horse strategy, there is a high risk that once romantic feelings are
revealed, you lose a friend and you dont have a new boyfriend or girlfriend either. This would be
like someone trying to sell you something under the guise of having a good conversation.
Everybody hates that.
My bet is that good citizens of the friend zone find themselves there all of the time. It isnt
just one crush who doesnt get the picture. Instead, they are in the friend zone with a lot of
different potential boyfriends or girlfriends for much of their single life. It is just a place they cant
help but stumble into again and again. They are the president of the friend zone because no one
else was on the ballot.
Friends first. The other pathway to the friend zone is quite a bit different. The platonic
friend route is a friends first route. At first, the two friends really didnt know they were interested
in something more. Without any strong feelings of romantic attraction, they proceeded along the
garden path to friendship. Somewhere along the way (and maybe rather suddenly or
unexpectedly), someone catches feelings for the other. On some happy occasions both feel the
same way about each other and romance blossoms. If it is just one person who feels this way, it is
the classic dilemma. If those feelings become so powerful as to be unbearable, then the person
who feels attracted has to decide the all-important question, Do I say something or not? Trying
to figure out whether or not your friend reciprocates those feelings is one of the hardest parts of
being in the friend zone.
No clear exit. These unresolved romantic feelings, whether there from the beginning
or a consequence of the friendship itself, can go on and on and on. A lot of people just decide to
live with the ambiguity rather than imperil their friendship. In fact, whether or not people say
something or decide to just ignore those feelings is a flip of the coin: 50% say something and 50%
try to hide their feelings of attraction. All of this is very tricky business and lots of factors come
into play. But what does your flirting style have to do with it?
Research Says
Keeping the friendship intact is the #1 reason people do not express romantic or sexual interest.
FRIENDSHIP AND FLIRTING STYLES
Ive already given you a quick preview of the five flirting styles and the friend zone. There
are two important things to keep in mind. First, when the friend zone is something that happens
to people repeatedly and regularly, then it probably has something to do with your flirting style.
On the other hand, when love or attraction arises from a genuine platonic friendship, it could
happen to anyone with any flirting style (although probably not Traditional as you will soon see).
In either case, your flirting style will help figure out how you get out of the friend zone.
The Physical Style
One advantage of being prone to love at first sight is that you probably dont find yourself
in the friend zone very often. The reason for this is during those early moments of attraction you
are framing the relationship in a particular way. This idea of relationship framing was a big part
of turning on your switch (see Chapter 7 of my book). By falling in love really fast, you are
basically putting a neat little frame around how all of your behavior and actions should be
interpreted -- both by you and by the person you have fallen for. For the physical flirt, their frame
for most cross-sex interaction is often romantic or sexual in nature, so it is unlikely that their
actions will be misconstrued as being in the friendship frame. The results from both the
eHarmony and the FSI Surveys confirm just that.
From their own report, physical flirts rarely have the problem that their flirting is
confused with just being friendly. It just isnt the case that someone says, Oh, Mike, he was just
being friendly. It is crystal clear that Mike wanted something more than friendship from the
beginning. Hence, physical flirts dont even take a step on the path toward the friend zone.
Furthermore, physical flirts dont use friendship as a strategy for developing romance. They just
dont believe that is a viable option. In their last major relationship, the physical flirt is the flirting
style the LEAST likely to say the relationship started out as friends.
One distinct possibility for the physical flirt is that they are the Call me when you are
available friend. This is when you are friends (more like acquaintances really) with someone
strictly because either they or you are currently already in a romantic relationship with somebody
else. Now, this is tricky because physical flirts are neither used to nor very good at hiding their
attraction. And, they are also a bit more likely to cheat. So, Id be a little suspicious whether the
physical flirt is really being a friend per se -- certainly not in the way we have been talking about
the virtues of a cross-sex friendship. Instead, the physical flirt is the person who (either directly or
indirectly) has offered their services as a back-up option if and when the interfering current
relationship dies or is on the rocks. Until that day comes, it might be wise to keep your distance
from a physical flirt who is interested in more than friendship. Technically, this is neither a
platonic friend nor a friend zone situation. It is a case of break-glass-in-case-of-emergency.
The Polite Style
The Polite style is by far the flirting style most likely to go the friends-first route. They
develop friendship first then later discover they really want to something more with their friend.
The disposition and characteristics of the Polite flirt have all of the necessary ingredients for this
scenario. The Polite style likes to really get to know someone before they commit emotionally or
romantically. They take their time to express romantic interest and certainly do not reveal their
sexual attraction or desire early on. In fact, they are the style who takes the longest time to get to
know someone before making their first move (hellooo, Ross).
Another key ingredient for Polite flirts is the way they idealize love. For Polite flirts, love
is best when it grows out of a close friendship. Now, this is not a problem in itself. In fact, the
good news is this friends-first strategy gives partners enough time to build both stronger
commitment and stronger companionship and really get to know one another. Without question,
being friends with your partner is an important part of having a successful long-term relationship.
However, when the Polite flirt sees love as a form of friendship and friendship as a form of love, it
is really hard for them not to start all romantic relationships with friendship. This is why they
experience this unresolved (and maybe unrequited) romantic desire so often.
Let me make it clear how the Polite flirt ends up in the friend zone so often. First, their
particular way of communicating attraction is unlikely to be interpreted by anyone as particularly
sexual or aggressive. Therefore, friendship is the dominant relational frame; romance isnt even
on the radar. Chances are the Polite flirt is in the friend zone as part of a member of a group good
friends who are all learning about one another and spending time together. This circle of friends
could be formed around anything -- a work group, a hobby, or a recreational athletic team. The
Polite flirt comes back to this group time after time, hoping to see their crush again and spend
more time together with him or her. They probably feel disappointed when the group gets
together and their crush doesnt show up. I knew one Polite flirt who would discretely find out
her crush/friends class schedule so she could take classes with him. She had to take three
different classes with him before she worked up the courage to go talk to him!
The Playful Flirt
By far, the Playful flirt is the least straight-forward flirting style when it comes to friends
and attraction. By their own admission, they dont try to make friends with someone they are
attracted to. However, they also flirt with people they are not interested in romantically. They are
also the most likely of the five styles to run into the problem where they want to escalate a
romantic relationship, but their crush doesnt seem to get the hint that it is anything other than
just fooling around. Think of it this way: if a friend of yours constantly flirts with everyone else in
your group of friends, youd probably be suspicious when they started flirting with you too. The
Playful flirt doesn't seek out romance through friendship, and they cant seem to get friends
romantically interested either (because their friends know better than to take it seriously).
As a consequence, if you are a friend of a Playful flirt, you see clearly that they are the
kings and queens of mixed messages. You never can tell where you stand with a Playful flirt. On
one hand, you may think they are totally into you because of the flattery and attention. But on the
other, you cant tell if they are being serious when they go on in detail about how good you look
because you are pretty sure they said the same thing to someone else last week.
The Playful flirt is the most likely of the flirting styles to seek out a friends-with-benefits
relationships (FwB for short). This is wholly different than the platonic friend and is the opposite
of being in the friend zone. The FwB relationship is predicated on two rules: 1) Dont fall in love,
and 2) We are not exclusive. As a consequence, it is pretty much sexual access without long-term
relationship potential. For people who want to have a romantic relationship with their friend,
this is a pretty difficult situation to be in. If you are looking for a love that lasts with a friend, I
really cant recommend the FwB relationship for you. But, for the Playful flirt, this is a great way
to try on a romantic relationship without having the attachment, closeness, exclusiveness, or
intimacy of one.

The Sincere Style

Sincere flirts are the perennial presidents of the friend zone. By far, people with this style
of flirting find themselves in the friend zone again and again. Their flirting tactics nearly
guarantee it. They readily admit to using friendship to get someone interested in them. They are
often friends first with people they are physically or romantically attracted to. For the Sincere
style, friendship and flirting are just too mixed up to distinguish from one another.
Think about what the Sincere style is. The Sincere style is related to the development of a
positive emotional connection through a personal and private conversation. Self-disclosure and
sharing are pretty clear signs of true friendship for most people. The Sincere style of
communicating attraction frames the relationship in a way that steers it toward friendship -- the
friendship frame is fully intact. No wonder that they are most likely of the five flirting styles to
answer yes to the question, Do people confuse your flirting with just being friendly?
One of the consequences of the Sincere style of flirting is that they are often imbalanced in
their romantic relationships, especially when they are friends first. According to the eHarmony
Survey, in their last major relationship, people with the Sincere flirting style were more
committed to their romantic partner than their partner was to them. To say it another way, they
were more into their last partner than their partner was into them. This translates into cross-sex
friendship as well. People who feel like they do the lions share of work in a cross-sex friendship
still continue to support and make time to do things with their friend despite that inequity. Just
like the Sincere style, they are working harder because they want something more to happen.
They are trying to steer it towards romance by spending time together as friends, sharing like
friends, and doing things for their friends. That extra work makes the Sincere flirt end up feeling
that they were treated unfairly if the friendship falls apart.
The Survey Says
Nearly 35% of people who often find themselves in the friend zone score high on the Sincere
flirting style.

The Traditional Style

Traditional flirts tend to like to keep their romantic worlds and friendship worlds
separate. As a consequence, they dont have a lot of cross-sex friendships in general. Guys would
prefer to hang with the guys, and ladies would prefer to be with the ladies. Because Traditional
flirts believe that men and women have clear roles in dating, where men do the approaching and
women are more passive, they are agreeable to the typical flirting and dating script. As a
consequence, they dont use or even see cross-sex friendship as an option for developing romance.
For Traditional women, the friendship route is a nonstarter. Traditional women arent
typically friends first with a potential boyfriend. They dont use friendship as path to romance.
This means that Traditional guys arent likely to find a Traditional woman through friendship
either. This arrangement is best exemplified when a Traditional guy falls for a Traditional
woman and his friends that are girls wonder why he wasnt into them instead. To be blunt, he
wasnt into you because you were friends with him, and he just doesnt see friendship as a path
toward romance.
BATTLE OF THE SEXES
A last important detail answers the common question, who is more likely to want a
friendship to turn into something more, men or women? Although there are some pretty obvious
differences between men and women on this issue, one thing that men and women have in
common is that they both use friendship as a path to romance.
So, do men do it more?
Well, it depends on whether you mean romance or sexual attraction. Men and women are
quite similar in feeling romantically attracted to a cross-sex friend. When it comes to sexual
interest, men (not surprisingly) are more turned on by their cross-sex friend than women are.
Both men and women are mentally testing out a long-term relationship with their cross-sex
friend, but men are also imagining a sexual fling while doing so. This lines up with the friendswith-benefits relationship too. Men are more inclined to keep a FwB relationship casual than are
women; they are quite happy with the arrangement. Women will go along with a FwB
relationship in the valiant attempt to make a deeper emotional connection with their guy friend.
Women know better?

As a consequence of mens greater physical attraction to their female friends, men will
often over-estimate just how interested their female friends are in them. If you are a guy and are
thinking, She is totally into me you are probably being over-optimistic. Interestingly, women
run into a related problem; they underestimate just how interested their guy friends are in them.
Women may assume higher interest from their cross-sex friends because that is what theyve
come to expect from their past guy friends. What I am trying to say is that it isnt the case that
men are more accurate or women are more accurate in knowing what their cross-sex friend is
feeling. Instead, women are probably underestimating and men are probably overestimating
sexual attraction from their cross-sex friend. It could be that when women make friends with a
guy they turn their switch off (see chapter 7 in the book), but for men, their switch is still flipped
on around their friends that are girls.
Truth in attraction
Despite these biases, friends are actually pretty accurate overall when it comes to
knowing how much cross-sex friends are interested in them. Because they have a pretty good
sense of whether or not their friend is into them, their romantic desire is based in reality, not
fantasy.
Another very promising fact is that attraction in cross-sex friendships is more often
mutual than not. If you take pairs of cross-sex friends and ask them how interested they are in one
another, typically their levels of interest match up. This is good news if you are currently
interested in your cross-sex friend. It seems that friends are usually on the same page about this
sort of thing.
STRATEGIES TO GET OUT OF FRIEND ZONE
Now, we get to the part of the chapter where I am going to give you a good list of
strategies to manage getting out of the friend zone both now and in the future. Im going to give
you three types of strategies, the patient approach, the sneaky approach, and the direct approach.
To get started, youve got to start looking for clues.
Gathering Intel
OK, you have a crush on your friend. You need answers. Because you are friends, you
have certain advantages for figuring out whether the friendship has relationship potential
because friends usually willing to talk openly and candidly without it being weird. Carefully think
about your friendship and review this list of questions. If you dont know the answer, go find out!
1) Have you met your friends friends and has he or she met yours? If the
answers are no and no, then you are probably not moving toward a romantic
relationship. If a girl wants to keep a guy in the friend zone she will actively avoid
spending time with his friends and family, as well as keep him separate from her own
social network.
2) Is your friend currently in a relationship? Although people do cheat on their
boyfriends or girlfriends with cross-sex friends, being in a relationship is a romantic
deterrent for cross-sex friends. It is the most obvious way to say to a cross-sex friend,
I am off limits. For adults, being in a committed relationship makes cross-sex friends
less attractive and enticing. If they have made it clear they are involved, I strongly
recommend that you respect that relationship. If you dont respect your friend's
current relationship, then you are probably not being a very good friend. (Not to
mention it sets a bad precedent if the two of you start a relationship later).
3) Do you even know if they are in a relationship? This is really similar to the
above question, but this question has its own unique value in figuring it where things
stand. One way that people send a clear message to their cross-sex friend that they are
off the market is by talking about their current relationship. If you know they are in a
relationship, it may be their way of saying they are not available. However, if your
friend has concealed their current relationship from you, it might mean they have
some complicated or unresolved feelings about you.
4) Do you hang out with a group of mutual friends? The more time you spend
together in the group (like in How I Met Your Mother), the less likely it is they want
to be in a relationship with just you and you alone. By keeping the relationship public
and within the safe confines of your group of mutual friends, your friend/crush wants
to keep the friendship going and the possibility of romance far away.
5) Do they back off when you spend a lot of time together? Cross-sex friends
spend time together. After all, spending time together is one of the most important
parts of friendship. However, pay attention to what they do afterward. When you go
out of your way to do something nice for them, do they withdraw or pull away or do
they initiate more contact? When someone is worried that their cross-sex friendship is
becoming too intimate or close, they will pull away to try to distance themselves and
re-establish boundaries. Pulling away is a sign they are not interested in something
more.
6) Do they flirt with you in an obvious way? Although flirting can be done for a
lot of different reasons, flirting in a friendship makes things complicated. In fact, a
friend may flirt to mix things up. When friends want something more, there is a lot
obvious flirting going on. A strictly platonic friendship may still include some flirting,
but it is much less direct. Here are the most obvious flirtatious signs in a friendship:
kisses, back or neck massages, long hugs, putting arms around waist, and sitting
really close, like in your lap. If any of these things are part of your friendship, it
probably means there is something going on.
Patient Approaches
Now, you have some clues about whether or not they are interested in you. Here is a
good rule of thumb: if you said yes to questions one or six and no to at least one of questions 2
through 5 then there is probably mutual romantic attraction, and you have got some decisions to
make.
Any time that you want to change a friendship into a romantic relationship, you run the
risk of ruining one or the other or both. If you express your attraction, you might not have friend
any more. Or, equally bad, you might end up with only half a friend because things are now weird
and uncomfortable. The bottom line is that you have to decide if the possibility of romance is
worth losing a friend. If it is, then I have several approaches you can try out. If it isnt, it is best to
wait and see how your friendship evolves. It might turn into mutual love one day anyway -- so
dont rush it. However, there are some things you might like to know before you decide.
1) Admitting attraction doesnt have to ruin the friendship. A little over half of
people who feel romantically attracted to a friend choose to express that attraction. If they
do express their attraction, between half and two-thirds stay friends. So, expressing your
romantic interest isnt necessarily going to kill the friendship. The good news is that you
have a decent chance of starting a romance, but there is even a better chance that your
friendship can handle you expressing this interest, especially if youve been friends a long
time.
2) Sex doesnt have to ruin a friendship. Sixty-percent of young adults have never had
sex with a close friend. The 40% who have had sex say it doesnt have to ruin the
friendship. Sometimes it evolves into a FwB relationship, sometimes into a serious
romance, but a lot of times people just decide to stay friends. They will agree that it was a
one-time thing. If friends choose to stay friends after sex, often times the sex helped them
figure out what they wanted and what they didnt want.
3) Friendship may be THE best model to romance. As I mentioned before, not
only are cross-sex friends awesome, it is a terrific way to start a romance. This type of love
is a great pathway to commitment and companionship. A pair of major researchers on
dating said that the best way to sidestep all of the frustrating baggage of dating, the
singles scene, and the hookup culture is to develop all of your romantic relationships
through friendship first.
Research Says
If a woman thinks that a man would make a good friend, it increases his date-ability and his
physical attractiveness in her eyes.
Sneaky Approaches
Lets say youve decided not to wait. Making that decision is your first step no matter
what. You are looking for some suggestions about how to change it. Below is a list of sneaky
approaches to jump starting a romantic relationship with a friend. You can use all of these secret
tests to figure out if a friend has romantic feelings without exposing your true thoughts.
1) Rumor campaign. Mutual friends play a much bigger role in playing matchmaker than
people think. You can capitalize on this by getting your friends involved. Tell them your
dilemma and ask them to ask around for more info about how your friend-about-to-belover feels about you. This is sort of the adult version of sending the note in homeroom:
"Do you like me? YES, NO, MAYBE [check one box]". Even if this doesnt immediately
change your situation, it will probably get back to your potential paramour. This strategy
is totally consistent with a more Polite or Sincere flirting style because it prevents the
potential discomfort of being direct. It also gets friends who care about you involved in
your love life, and everyone likes a happy ending. The cupid in your group of friends
might help make it happen.
2) Provoke jealousy. If you are in a relationship, you can see how your friend reacts to
learning more about how things are going with your girlfriend or boyfriend. If you are
single, you can tell your friend about your new crush. If those two strategies arent getting
a response, then you can try flirting with another girl or guy in the company of your crosssex friend. If your friend gets jealous or upset at the sight of you flirting with another
person or the thought of you in a relationship with someone else, this is a good way to
clear things up. This approach is probably going to work best for physical or Playful
flirting styles because they are much more comfortable balancing multiple potential
partners and flirting without romantic intent.
3) Joke about being in a relationship. If you want to test the waters with a friend you
have a crush on, you might try to playfully suggest that there is a romantic spark between
you. You could get them to play along that you two are madly in love when you go
somewhere together -- only for the fun of fooling other people, of course. You can joke
around about what it would be like to date. If you do this, you can back away from the
idea of being in a relationship if they are uncomfortable with it (I was only joking). At
least you get them thinking about what it might be like. This strategy will work best with
the Sincere style because it is a chance to show off your intimate knowledge of your friend
while you pretend to be their partner. It could also work with the Physical flirting style
who might like the touching and closeness it will allow you to express.
4) Exit stage left. You can also try to shut down the intimacy. Spend some time apart to
see if your friend expresses loneliness or misses you. Although Traditional women are
unlikely to use friendship to try to start a relationship, this indirect strategy is right up
their ally for being passive and trying to begin a chase.
Direct Approaches
These last strategies are a more go-for-broke style of getting out of the friend zone. These
strategies are unambiguous and will get some sort of response, even if it isnt the one you were
hoping for.
1) Tell him/her about it. Look, guys often overestimate the romantic attraction of their
female friends. It isnt that they are unable to have platonic friends; they just have probably
considered the possibility of romance too. A truly Sincere flirt is going to be able to have a
conversation or share an experience that really expresses their feelings. Part of that
conversation needs to be an admission of attraction. It could hurt to use the direct
approach if it doesnt bring about the answer you are looking for, but chances are she has
already made up her mind. You might as well find out where your friend stands.
2) Party up. Sincere and Polite flirts may have some trouble doing this, but youve got to
up the stakes. Invite your friend to be your date to something important, like a wedding, a
formal party if you are on a college campus, or your jobs holiday party. Even if you say you
are coming as just friends, being in a situation that shows you off as a couple helps to
imply a message you are interested in something more. However, youve got to follow
through with the party atmosphere. Dont just treat them like a friend. Get him dancing,
make sure he is having a good time, and try to make the night special. Hell get the hint.
Pretend you are showing off what it would be like to date you (with maybe the sexy stuff
about dating too if the night turns out particularly well). A lot of times when friends have
sex with one another, there is drinking involved. Although Im not recommending getting
anyone drunk, a night of partying might be that one night where you two decide to hook
up once to relieve the tension. Afterward you can still go back to friendship. Adults can
handle it.
3) Ask him or her out on a date. This one is a no brainer. It also one of the most
obvious signs that a platonic friendship just turned into something more. When people go
out with someone new, they are equally like to be exploring romantic potential and trying
to further develop a friendship. However, when friends (not acquaintances) go on a date,
they do so to investigate romantic potential. When you do go out, do not hold back!
Make plans, go to a stellar place, and go out at night, not during the day. A coffee date
keeps the friendship intact, because it is clearly something that friends, not lovers do. This
strategy is excellent for Polite and Sincere flirts because they are very good on first dates.
However, if you are a Sincere flirt, you have got to make sure that you arent just acting as
their friend during the date. Compliment their appearance, be a little more physically
assertive, and get your switch flipped on (see Chapter 7 in the book)!
Managing the Fall Out
The good news is that people who decide to acknowledge the elephant in the room are able
to move on with their friendship in a mature way even if those feelings arent shared. Here is a list
of tips for keeping your friendship alive and in good health if your love is unrequited.
1) Say, This friendship matters to me. By helping them know that you care about
your cross-sex friendship, you up the chances youll be able to keep it. It also clarifies that
this wasnt just a ploy to get them interested in you romantically all along. People dont
like being duped. Finally, it tells the other person that you are committed to them
whether or not romantic feelings are shared.
2) Say, I can handle it. Ideally, both you and your unrequited lover/platonic friend will
be able to say this honestly. You need to say you both can handle the awkwardness and
weirdness that will follow, without letting the friendship die. Truth is, it will probably be
sort of uncomfortable for a while, but you need to say, you can handle it and you respect
their feelings. Even though they werent the feelings you were hoping for. Be open about
the fact that things are strange, but dont just totally back away and make things worse.
3) Return to your routine. Do not stop doing the things you did together as friends. Do
not go into a hole or disappear from the face of the earth. This is a sure-fire way to end the
friendship. As soon as it is comfortable, try to get back to doing the things you always did
together. Move on and do not hide!
4) Find someone new and tell your friend. If you told them you loved them, then
your friend is going to feel funny about not feeling that way. If you are lucky enough to
find someone new, then tell your friend right away. It will let them off the hook for your
feelings, and then you might be able to go back to way it once was.
Citizens of the Zone
Each of the different flirting styles has different challenges to overcome. In the case of the
friend zone, Polite and Sincere styles are likely citizens. As I mentioned before, if you find yourself
in the friend zone over and over again, then your flirting style is likely the cause. If you are weary
of running the risk of ruining a friendship because your flirting style frames your relationships in a
way that you dont want (as friends, not lovers), then youve got to recognize that these strategies
Ive given you are things you have to do from the get-go. Do not hesitate to start making your
romantic intent known early on in the relationship. Without reframing the relationship early, you
might have to wait for 10 TV seasons to pass before you end up with the love of your life.
But, maybe thats not so bad after all.

Endnotes
Sexual tension in cross-sex friendships (box) ... (p. 106-7) Egland, K. L., Spitzberg, B. H., &
Zormeier, M. M. (1996). Flirtation and conversational competence in cross-sex platonic
and romantic relationships. Communication Reports, 9, 105-117.
Due to the gradual deterioration of ... Halatsis, P., & Christakis, N. (2009). The challenge of
sexual attraction within heterosexuals cross-sex friendship. Journal of Social and
Personal Relationships, 26, 919-937.; Sapadin, L. A. (1988). Friendships and gender:
Perspectives of professional men and women. Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships, 5, 387-403.
In fact, 92% of young adults ... (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009)
When asked about their opposite-sex friendships ... Reeder, H.M. (2000). 'I like you... as a
friend': The role of attraction in opposite-sex friendship. Journal of Social and Personal
For most people, platonic friendships are ... (Sapadin, 1988)
One-third of those who had had ... Afifi, W. A., & Faulkner, S. L. (2000). On being 'just friends':
The frequency and impact of sexual activity in cross-sex friendships. Journal of Social and
Personal Relationships, 17, 205-222.
These unique friendships offer us valuable ... (Sapadin, 1988)
Men get to enjoy lots of things ... Floyd, K., & Morman, M. T. (1997). Affectionate
communication in nonromantic relationships: Influences of communicator, relational,
and contextual factors. Western Journal of Communication, 61, 279-298.
Women also love having guy friends ... Bleske-Rechek, A. et al. (2012). Benefit or burden?
Attraction in cross-sex friendship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29, 569596.
For example, Dr. Diane Felmlee found .... Felmlee, D. H. (1999). Social norms in same- and
cross-gender friendships. Social Psychology Quarterly, 62, 53-67.
In fact, the #1 benefit of having ... (Bleske-Rechek et al. 2012)
Talking, sharing, making time for one ... (Egland et al., 1996)
One study found that people actually ... Messman, S. J., Canary, D. J., & Hause, K. S. (2000).
Motives to remain platonic, equity, and the use of maintenance strategies in opposite-sex
friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 67-94.
All of these great benefits become ... (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009)
Some people say that friendship is ... Rawlins, W. K. (2009). The compass of friendship.
Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
In fact, whether or not people ... (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009)
Keeping the friendship intact is the (box) ... (Messman et al. 2000)
In fact, the good news is ... Barelds, D. P. H., & Barelds-Dijkstra, P. (2007). Love at first sight
or friends first? Ties among partner personality trait similarity, relationship onset,
relationship quality, and love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24, 479-496.
Without question, being friends with your ... Guerrero, L. K., & Mongeau, P. A. (2008). On
becoming 'more than friends': The transition from friendship to romantic relationship. In
S. Sprecher, A. Wenzel, J. Harvey (Eds.), Handbook of relationship initiation (pp. 175194). New York, NY US: Psychology Press.
The FwB relationship is predicated on ... (Guerrero & Mongeau, 2008)

People who feel like they do ... (Messman et al., 2000)
Men and women are quite similar ... Koenig, B. L., Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Ketelaar, T. (2007).
Misperception of sexual and romantic interests in opposite-sex friendships: Four
hypotheses, Personal Relationships, 14, 411-429.
Women will go along with a ... Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly J. R. (2011). Sex
differences in approaching friends with benefits relationships. The Journal of Sex
Research, 48, 275-284.
Interestingly, women run into a related ... (Bleske-Rechek et al., 2012).
Despite these biases, friends are actually ... (Koenig et al., 2007).
Another very exciting fact is that ... (Bleske-Rechek et al., 2012)
For adults, being in a committed (Bleske-Rechek et al., 2012)
When someone is worried that their (Messman et al., 2000)
When friends want something more, there Guerrero, L. K., & Chavez, A. M. (2005).
Relational maintenance in cross-sex friendships characterized by different types of
romantic intent: An exploratory study. Western Journal of Communication, 69, 339-358.
A little over half of people ... (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009)
If they do express their attraction ... Motley, M. T., Reeder, H., & Faulkner, L. J. (2008).
Behaviors that determine the fate of friendships after unrequited romantic disclosures. In
M. T. Motley (Ed.), Studies in applied interpersonal communication in context (pp. 7196). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
The 40% who have had sex ... (Afifi & Faulkner, 2000)
This type of love is a ... (Barelds & Barelds-Dijkstra, 2007)
A pair of major researchers on ... Eaton, A. A., & Rose, S. (2011). Has dating become more
egalitarian? A 35 year review using Sex Roles. Sex Roles, 64, 843-862.
If a woman thinks that a (box)... Lewandowski, G. W., Aron, A., & Gee, J. (2007). Personality
goes a long way: The malleability of opposite-sex physical attractiveness. Personal
It also one of the most ... (Egland et al., 1996)
When people go out with someone ... Morr, M. C., & Mongeau, P. A. (2004). First-date
expectations: The impact of sex of initiator, alcohol consumption, and relationship type.
Communication Research, 31, 3-35.
A coffee date keeps the friendship ... (Morr & Mongeau, 2004)
Here is a list of tips ... (Motley, Reeder, & Faulkner, 2008)


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Relationship researchers Egland, Spitzberg, & Zormeier

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