TITLE

Formatted: Centered

Throughout my whole life I have been looking for the sport that would fit me. Football
was my passion for the first few years of my life but I never got to experience my full potential
on the field. I was over SIX6 feet tall and under 200 pounds playing defensive line against 300
pound guys. and Iit just wasnt fun to me anymore; I needed to try something new. Soon after my

Commented [ats1]: Ouch!

football season ended, I heard that our school had a new lacrosse team and I decided to try it.
Finally, I was able to blossom into the athlete I always knew I was, using my speed and height to
my advantage. I helped excel my team into heights we could have never imagined and that
season showed me my true love for lacrosse. My victories from lacrosse were not all just from
the score board,; the sport its self taught me how to be self-disciplined, it gave me a sense of
brotherhood and pride, and lastly, it gave me a foundation on how to be a leader.
During my time in high school, my coach always emphasized the little things.. No one
fully understood what these little things were but he made it seem like these little things were
more important than talent. As I played, I slowly started understanding what this meant. It means
making sure you dont slow down short of the line during sprints, always being ready with
another ball to throw into the drill if someone losses it. All of these little things that I would
focus on doing taught me self-discipline. We had to make up for what he couldnt see by holding
ourselves to a greater standard then others. By us always doing the right thing even when the
coach doesnt ask. All of these little things add up every day to produce one big thing,, coach
would say. And they would. E, everyone was on their toes at practice, a hundred percent focused
and disciplined at all times. I think of this a lot throughout other aspects of my life. For instance,
my teachers arent going to see the little things I do to prepare for tests, but if I hold myself
accountable, my test grades will show the little things that I did.

Commented [ats2]: Solid thesis.

No one can understand the bond that you have with a team mate until you spend multiple

Commented [ats3]: Need a transition here to move into

this next paragraph.

seasons with them. Most of the guys on my team were not only my lacrosse team mates but also
played football. SO, , between all the football summer practices, 4th fourth period with the
football them every day, then lacrosse with them, I spentd more time with these guys then I did
my own family. Starting freshmen year, these guys were my brothers and the bond we shared
was unlike anything else. Knowing everything about each other, would always have each others
backs in a fight, nothing in the world could stop us. We all joined a travel lacrosse team summer
going into senior year and with all of us on that team, we were able to band together and lead
that team to victory. Coming in withjust five of us joining a very old established travel team, we
were able to make the other players follow us and do as we did. Being self-disciplined and

Commented [ats4]: Word choice. Five new guys coming

into an established team could be intimidating but looks
like you won them over to a better way of thinking.

having a hard work ethics all the time, we were able to take that team into heights it never could
imagine. Brotherhood taught me a lot about relationships. I can now relate to other people and
can give them support like I used to give my teammates. The brotherhood I shared with my
teammates not only made me a better player, but also a better friends and person.
Out of everything that lacrosse has given me, the leadership skills were the most valuable
for me. These skills were the ones that all me and my brothers had to help pull the travel team
together in only one summer. With this our coach would not have to worry if he was running late
to practice. I along with the other captains would make sure everyone is dressed and ready and
the practice will not start a minute late. But these skills were not always used on the lacrosse
field, while going out with friends I felt as if I needed to be the leader of the group then because I
had so much on my team. Making the choices for us on where to go what to do, how to keep
ourselves out of trouble. Which I have still been able to do all through high school and going into
college.

Commented [ats5]: Idea: A better beginning to this

transition: Aside from the brotherhood of lacrosse

Lacrosse has been much more than just a sport for me during my time. Lacrosse has been
a life changer for me with all the lessons of self-discipline I learned, the brotherhood that has
been made, and more importantly it turned me into a leader. Without lacrosse I dont know who I
would be or what I would be right now. I might have followed the wrong people gotten in
trouble and not be in college right now. But with all the time I spent with my team mates, they
would never let anything like that happen for me. More importantly, from the discipline I learned
in the sport I would never let that happen to myself.
Personal Essay
Grading criteria
Length: 3-4 pages (9001150 words).
Cover sheet
Well-developed Thesis
and blueprint
Support details to
explain why you chose
this topic
Clear introduction and
developed conclusion
Total Points

Points
avail./earned
5/4

Comments

5/0
30/30

Needs a cover sheet, along with a title, etc.

Great thesis. Solid and I knew where this essay was headed.

30/25

solid examples that supported your subpoints and made them

clear, visible. .

30/30

Nice.

100/89

A solid effort. Some areas of your writing need development, but

overall youre doing well. Youve got the basics down now its
time to fine tune.

885 word count!