DINING WITH ROYALTY

Written by Taylor Haacke

KING.................................Middle aged man, worn down
QUEEN.................................Middle aged woman, spoiled
housewife
GRANDPA...........................Very old man, caught up in the
past, losing his hearing
PRRINCESS............................Sixteen years old, spoiled,
rebellious (played by a gruff man)
JARVIS...............................Sarcastic manservant, views
his job as meaningless

SETTING
The play is set in a medieval castle, so the characters speak
with a sense of royalty and regality, border-lining on
snobbishness (besides GRANDPA). The Great Hall is set up with a
huge, long dining table, with QUEEN sitting at the head of the
table on the right, and PRINCESS and GRANDPA sitting on the side
facing the audience. The table should have an array of food set
out on it, as well as two giant candles or a candelabrum. Behind
PRINCESS and GRANDPA, on the wall there should be a gigantic
portrait of the QUEEN, KING, and PRINCESS. Hidden behind the
portrait there should be a safe in the wall. The food should be
spaced out, as the characters will have to exert themselves as
they pass it back and forth.

(KING enters left, comes into the Great Hall looking disheveled
as he was just attacked by bandits. He sits down with a thump
at the left head of the table.)
QUEEN
George, do you happen to have any idea what time it is? You're 15
minutes late for dinner again! My father nearly starved to death,
you know how light headed he gets if he doesnt eat every 2
hours.
KING (sarcastically)
No, no, Im fine, really.
QUEEN
The food has gone cold by now, and the princess is getting upset.
(Everyone looks at PRINCESS, who looks like shes not paying
attention, picking at her nails.)
KING
Since you asked so kindly, Ill tell you why I was late for
dinner. I have a tale for you that lacks neither villainess
assault, nor acts of true bravery. As I was traveling back from
our neighboring kingdom Bloomsberry, I found I was being stalked
by a gang of bandits. There I was, making my way through the Dark
Forest on horseback, and they attacked. Five of them, tall as
mountains, ready to rob me of my riches. They circled me,
cornered me in, but I held my own. The first one came at me, he
was as quick on his feet as you are, my dear, when you know my
mother is coming to town. He was running at me, closer and
closer, as vile and repulsive as your fathers breath after his
daily dose of pickled anteater testes.
GRANDPA
You know those are prescribed by the local herbalist for my heart
condition!
PRINCESS
The local herbalist? You also know Rusty?

(Everyone pauses to look at her.)

QUEEN
I beg your pardon, Princess?
PPRINCESS
Oh, never mind.
KING (disgusted)
Pagan practices. (Back to recounting story) But, as you all are
well aware, my sword play is that of legends, and I took him down
with ease. So, after I had laid the first of them out, the second
one came at me, ready to duel. The fool must have taken me for an
amateur, but I was prepared for battle. He brings his sword up
and I prepare myself for the blow, but instead he turns to the
horse and takes its head off clean. Now, darling Catherine, I
know what you must be thinking, Dear me, however did my husband
get away from those horrible bandits? Well, as it turns outQUEEN (interrupting)
Excuse me? Are you telling me the horse is dead? Oh, George, that
was our last one and you know we cannot afford a new one right
now!
PRINCESS (off-handedly)
Could someone pass the Cornish hen, I'm starving.
(KING sighs, gets out of his chair, picks up the platter in the
middle of the table, puts food on PRINCESS's plate, and returns
to his seat.)
KING
Well, maybe we would be able to afford one if you didnt spend
all of our money on the newest dragon-skin corsets.
QUEEN
I did not hear you complaining about my dragon-skin corset the
other night in our bedchamber.
KING

Im sorry that the loss of the horse is devastating for you all,
but does no one care how I escaped?
(Simultaneously: GRANDPA mumbles, QUEEN heavy sighs, PRINCESS:
Not really.)
GRANDPA
Where is the creamed spinach? Will someone pass the creamed
spinach!
(KING again gets up, picks up platter from the far end of the
table, spoons it into GRANDPA's plate, and returns to his seat
with a clamor.)
QUEEN
Jarvis!
(JARVIS enters)
JARVIS
Mlady?
QUEEN
Please write in that we are in need of a new horse, preferably
used, you know how tight gold seems to be these days. The king
got our last one killed.
KING
I was fighting off bandits!

JARVIS
Oh, sire, really? The last horse?
almost 15 minutes for dinner.

And you had them waiting

KING
Bandits!
JARVIS

Speaking of gold, will I be getting paid today, sire? I know

youre a very busy man, and I do find the thrill of scavenging
for food to be exhilarating, but I would prefer to be able to eat
tonight without having to fight over food with the rats.
KING
Jarvis, I cannot be bothered with that right now, I have an
important matter to discuss.
(GRANDPA slumps over on to table)

QUEEN
Now just look what youve done, George, Father has fainted for
the third time today! Jarvis, fetch the Dragon Tears, would you?
JARVIS
Of course, maam.
(JARVIS exits)

PRINCESS
Pass the steamed turnips.
(KING heaves a sigh, gets up from his seat, makes an effort to
pass dish to PRINCESS, and sits back down.)

PRINCESS (sarcastically)
Before anything more exciting happens, I need to use the
lavatory.
(PRINCESS exits. JARVIS enters with a bottle, pushes GRANDPA
back, opens his mouth, and pours contents of bottle down
GRANDPA'S throat. GRANDPA comes to.)
QUEEN

George, you should really know that our daughter has been seeing
a new boy. (Whispers) Hes a fairy.
KING
A fairy? I thought she was betrothed to the mailmans son? Was
not that the arraignment so that we could still get our mail on
Sundays?
GRANDPA
Whats all this talk about fairies? Why, back in my day, we knew
to stay away from those WingDings!
(Simultaneously: QUEEN gasps, KING (sharply): Father!)
QUEEN
Now Father, you know what weve said about using that word.
GRANDPA
They stayed on their side, and we stayed on ours, and everyone
was fine with it!
QUEEN
Oh, would you be quiet? Her dating habits are the least of our
worries. Shes been acting out in school, coming home late,
missing curfew. And Ive heard tales of this new fairy dust,
its all the rage these days with the young kids. George, what
should we do?
(PRINCESS comes back to dinner, sufficiently stoned. She walks
slowly with her eyes droopy and a relaxed smile on her face.)
PRINCESS
Did I miss anything?
KING
Mary, your mother told me that youve been seeing a new boy, a
fairy. What ever happened to Will, the mailmans son?
PRINCESS

He was a bore. Pass me the beets.

(KING does not leave his seat this time and shoves the dish
towards PRINCESS. PRINCESS rolls her eyes and spoons beets on to
her plate. PRINCESS begins to devour the food in front of her.)
KING
He was not a bore, that kid was really going places! Someday
hell be Assistant Manager of the entire mail department, mark my
words!
QUEEN
By the way, my little Princess, weve been hearing news of this
new fairy dust. You wouldnt happen to have any friends that
have been, experimenting with that?
(PRINCESS stops with her mouth full.)
PRINCESS
Youve got something to say, Mother?

QUEEN
No, no, just wondering.
KING
Alright, alright, lets just do our best to have a nice, peaceful
meal, no need to get worked up over petty issues. Now, seeing as
we are all gathered here today, I feel as though there is a
matter to discuss. You may be wondering why I was visiting our
neighboring kingdom of Bloomsberry in the first place, or why I
have been working such late hours, or why our gold seems to have
been substantially reduced in size. Family, our kingdom has
fallen.
(Everyone seems uninterested, and QUEEN, PRINCESS, GRANDPA, and
JARVIS speak almost simultaneously:)
QUEEN
Well, that seems pretty obvious.

PRINCESS
(with her mouth full)
Didnt that happen years ago?
GRANDPA
Does anyone know what time it is? My bath needs to be drawn soon.
JARVIS
Oh, wonderful.
KING
What? Does no one care that our kingdom, the land which we rule,
has become completely barren?
(Silence)
KING
The townspeople, as fate would have it, happened across a
dragons lair, full of gold and riches, and divided it among
themselves. They have all moved on to new land, in the hopes of
starting their own kingdoms. Without our subjects and their
livestock, businesses, and trades, we are no longer the rich and
prosperous family that my father King Albert IV, may he rest in
peace, had hoped we would remain.

PRINCESS
Pass the roast goose.
(PRINCESS devours her food. KING gets up from table and slowly
walks over to large picture frame containing the family
portrait.)
KING
Luckily for us, I have been anticipating a day such as this. Call
it royal intuition, but I always knew my reign would not be quite
as easy as my fathers rule. I have been putting away gold for

some time now, and it should be just enough to sustain us until

we figure out a way to hoist our kingdom back up on to its feet.
(KING takes down portrait to reveal safe. KING opens safe and it
is empty.)
KING
What! Whats this?! The gold, the last of the gold, all that
remains of this family and our prestige and wealth has been
stolen! Its gone! Weve been robbed, Catherine!

QUEEN
Oh, is that what that was? Honestly, I thought some of our
servants had been stashing their pay away. It really was a very
little amount you know, not at all what you had cracked it up to
be, George.
KING
And what has become of it?
QUEEN
Ah, well, I gave some to Grandpa and Princess Mary for their
weekly allowance.
KING
Weekly allowance?! They dont receive a weekly allowance!

QUEEN
Well, not anymore they dont, since youve been off losing all of
our gold.
(PRINCESS begins to just reach for whatever food she can get her
hands on)

JARVIS
Thank you for remembering me when you were passing out the
allowances, maam.
QUEEN
Oh, I do apologize for that, Jarvis, I sometimes forget that we
even pay you. I look to you as almost a fourth cousin once
removed.
JARVIS
You flatter me, my queen.
KING
And where is this money now? Surely you lot could not have spent
all of it!
QUEEN
Ive already spent my share. Really George, didnt you notice our
new bear skin bedding? What, did you think they just appeared out
of thin air? That I hunted the bear myself, or something?
Honestly dear, use your head.
KING
Where did your share of the allowance go, Grandpa?
GRANDPA
I used my portion to buy myself a golden bedpan.
KING
Oh, how delightful. And what did you spend all of your money on,
my dear little Princess?
(PRINCESS stops short while scooping food into her mouth, looks
guilty. There is a pause of silence.)
JARVIS

I believe the princess told me that she was spending her

remaining money on a new set of armor for you for your birthday,
but the surprise has been ruined, sire.
(PRINCESS nods, and keeps eating. KING returns to his seat and
sighs.)
KING
At least someone in this family appreciates me. You have all
really outdone yourselves this time. Each and every day I work,
striving to keep this roof over our heads, food in our bellies,
and this is how I am to be repaid.
PRINCESS
You dont work, Father, youre out gallivanting on your horse all
day, and now you cant even do that.
KING
His name was Timothy, and he was more family than youll ever be!

QUEEN
Oh really, George, dont be so dramatic.
KING
Dramatic?! You say I am being dramatic?! Hows this for dramatic:
Princess, I forbid you to see that fairy any longer! Since we
have lost all of our money and subjects, you are to marry a
prince from a wealthy kingdom, or at least consider that
mailmans kid!
QUEEN
George!
PRINCESS
Father! You cant do that!
KING

I can, and I will! We will begin our search for your new husband
in the morning!
PRINCESS
I hate you, and I hate this family, and I hate being a princess!
And for the record, my new boyfriend is not just a fairy, he has
a name! Its Harold! And I am leaving right now to go live with
him and I am never coming back!
(PRINCESS exits.)
QUEEN
George, you have really done it now.
GRANDPA
What did I tell you about those WingDings? Theyre nothing but
trouble!
KING
Dad, be quiet! Jarvis, stop the princess!

JARVIS
Im sorry, sire, but she is running very quickly, and right now I
believe my body is too malnourished to do much more than walk at
a slow pace.
(KING runs over to window.)
KING
Young lady, you are forbidden to see him! Forbidden! Stop! What
are you doing? Dont you dare leave this castle! Okay, well,
dont even think about opening the drawbridge! Alright, if you
take one step on to that drawbridgeif you continuing walking
across that drawbridgeif you even think about getting into that
boys carriageoh, so you think you can just ride away like that,
do you? Ill have troops out looking for you! And dont think I
wont, remember what happened last year?

QUEEN
Oh, George, shell be fine. She thinks shes in love now, but
shell see that all men are the same. Shell be back before you
know it. I too was once young and in love, but by the time I
figured out what I really wanted in a man, well, I had already
been married.
JARVIS
Shall I call for the troops, sire?
KING
No, there arent any troops. They took their share of the gold
and decided to start a new dating service. Theyre calling it
Knights in Shining Armor, can you believe that?
JARVIS
They did always seem to be a bit pompous.
GRANDPA
Pft, if I ruled this kingdom, nothing like this would have
happened! I would have my subjects working sunrise until sundown,
accounting for each and every one of their whereabouts at all
times of the day. No one would even have time to go finding a
dragons lair, discovering heaps of gold and riches
GRANDPA (con't)
and what have you. I would execute anyone who even thought of
such treasons!
(KING returns to his seat and puts his head in his hands.)
QUEEN
I knew I should have married your brother.

END