The Girl who

Thinks She is
Married to
Sai Baba
THE SOMETHING AWFUL HENRIETTE SAGA BY
THE SADDEST RHINO

Table of Contents
Foreword ................................................................................................................................................ 1
The Girl in the Sari ................................................................................................................................... 3
Phantom in Honolulu............................................................................................................................... 5
The Girl who Thinks She's Married to Sai Baba ......................................................................................... 7
The Thespian Society ............................................................................................................................. 11
Interlude 1: Raja Discovers Blogging ...................................................................................................... 13
Interlude 2: Le Furscution! ................................................................................................................... 15
Amnesia - The Friendship Descent ......................................................................................................... 23
The Stage Play ....................................................................................................................................... 26
The Bollywood Film 1: A True Story ....................................................................................................... 29
The Bollywood Film 2: I am Batman ....................................................................................................... 33
The Bollywood Film 3: Andrew, You're Not the Father ........................................................................... 38
The Bollywood Film 4: Fever .................................................................................................................. 42
The Bollywood Film 5: What If? ............................................................................................................. 46
The Bollywood Film 6: The Importance of Data Security ........................................................................ 49
The Bollywood Film 7: A Cleansing......................................................................................................... 52
The Bollywood Film 8: Premiere ............................................................................................................ 55
The Bollywood Film 9: Je Veux Ton Revenge .......................................................................................... 63
The Bollywood Film Interlude: Technical Notes on I Will Survive! .......................................................... 73
The Bollywood Film 10: I have no problem calling bullshit on 'otherkin' that I think are indeed bullshit, or
treat it like some sort of game. As a dragon I feel that I was not any better or more advanced than any
normal animal beyond maybe being clever............................................................................................ 75
The Bollywood Film 11: She Felt the Abyss of Disenchantment .............................................................. 78
The Bollywood Film 12: Redemption Island ........................................................................................... 91
Finale .................................................................................................................................................. 103

Foreword
Q: I am really good at google. Can I do some internet detective shit on your stories?
A: NO.

This is the story I told in the Something Awful A/T thread Ask me about growing up with a girl
who thinks she's married to anime guys. The Anime Marriage thread, started by Something
Awful goon Uglynoodles, was meant to be a simple tell all about Uglynoodless childhood friend
who believed she was astrally married to an Anime character. People started sharing stories
about their own friends who were into getting married on the astral plane, and I mentioned, as
an off-hand comment, that I knew a girl who was completely crazy about India and claimed she
was married to Sai Baba when I was studying law in a Malaysian college. Some people
expressed interest in hearing the whole sordid tale, and this was the result.
As background, my tertiary law education programme was one commonly termed as a 2+1.
Students do two years of UK law in Malaysia, and then complete their final year in a UK
university which the college is affiliated with.
In the college, there are about three batches each year, with classes of 10-20 odd people junior
to/senior to another batch by a few months. Needless to say, most batches are cliques in
their own way, but I was very fortunate that our year didn't have that big a problem. Or at least
I mingled enough with everyone in the law faculty to not notice it, but I digress.
It is those first two years where I met our heroine, Henriette. Henriette not only believed
herself married to Sai Baba, she was also an actress/model/opera singer, and made our years in
that quiet programme a lot more interesting. In this story, you will find operatic tragedies,
spiritual marital problems, Bollywood movies, furry bullshit, and drama, drama, drama.
As you may way know, Henriette is not my ex-coursemate's real name, and this document is
private. I would prefer you not to do any Internet Detective bullshit on her, or to reproduce
this document publicly elsewhere, for reasons I will explain below.
Henriettes digital footprint she left on the Internet is... pretty massive. Henriette has always
had an ego, but I wasn't aware it was big enough for her to start so many blogs/websites and
devote almost everything to Henriette Henriette Henriette.
One of the things I found was her flickr.

Previously in college, Henriette was just purely crazy about India and being all SAI BABA IS
GREAT, among other things. She just struck us as someone who read way too many books on
Mystical India, knowing some things here and there - mostly Sai Baba - and not much else.
What I discovered was that Henriette has been to India not just once, but several times. And
she wasn't there doing just touristy stuff. She was bringing toys and donations to
impoverished kids in a village school.
This was hardly the Henriette I knew back in college, so you could imagine my surprise. Now,
there were some questionable photos - she was the pure focus of almost every single shot (no
individual or group pictures with just the children) - that may bring to question her motives, but
personally I'm more supportive of the fact that there are kids out there who got some
happiness in their lives regardless of how much of a wacko their benefactor was. As long as
she's doing some good for needy people, I'm all right with that.
So Henriette, bless her soul, turns out to be actually all right now despite being potentially nuts
when she was doing law.
Then again, Henriette recently created a facebook fanpage of herself, where all the members
are her family and friends, and now calls herself Dr Henriette. So there's that, I guess.
I hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.
The Saddest Rhino
07/02/2012

The Girl in the Sari

Henriette entered our batch late, about one month into our academic year. The first image
most of us had of her was an ethnic Chinese girl, her hair in a bun, coming into class in a flowing
white sari and a red bindi on her forehead. Needless to say, that left an impression on not only
the students, but the lecturers.
A number of our lecturers were Indians, mostly Hindu or Punjabi, and they were not exactly
impressed. One of the lecturers, Miss Parekh, was especially offended by the white sari,
because (and I may be wrong here) it is something that is usually worn by widows. This, couple
with the Bindi (a sign of marriage) immediately gave away to her that this girl has a romaticised
idea of India without knowing the customs and taboos. She was quiet about her ideas on
Henriette until a year later, when during a farewell party (she was getting married to an Aussie)
she drunkenly confessed her opinion and loudly proclaimed I knew she was a nutjob all along!
YOU KIDS NEVER PAY ATTENTION. Then she downed six rounds of vodka and passed out at the
hotel lobby in front of our dean. Good times.
Henriette loved stage acting and operatic music. In one of our first study groups, she told us all
about what she gave up for law. She apparently knew a number of famous Hong Kong
celebrities, and she was going to star in a Hong Kong period drama about the Shanghai triads.
Unfortunately, the bird flu epidemic happened, and she had found a greater calling in her life Law. She has also trained under a French opera singer to sing, and she knew all the words to
the Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals and other more exotic ones, like Puccini et. al. We didn't
really know much about her, so we were quite impressed with her amazing talents although a
bit bewildered as to why she decided to do law in a Malaysian college, of all things. She has
some knowledge about plays and opuses, so we would give her that.
None of us would hear her sing until much, much later.
One of the things she did in the college was to start the Thespian Club. The Thespian Club was a
hilariously paper-thin facade for what was actually the Henriette Appreciation Club, since
from what I am told after we all left for UK the club shut down.
She also spoke about Sathya Sai Baba, her greatest love. I have to confess I do not know much
about Sai Baba, other than the fact that he was apparently a living legend with a sizable
international following, dressed chiefly in orange and had a giant afro. I know a number of
people I respect who are Sai Baba devotees, so I wouldn't say anything against the religion.
None of them, however, claimed they were spiritually in a marriage with Sai Baba, nor do they
3

dress like a young widow to class almost everyday.

Parekh apparently, before she left, made a complaint to the dean about Henriette's white sari,
but Henriette pre-empted that by telling him during enrollment that her dressing represents
her beliefs in Sai Baba. I have, until now, never figured out where that white sari thing came
from.
Speaking of Henriette's white sari, she had absolutely no fashion sense save her white saris. Her
comfortable clothing involved oversized shirts and jeans, or a yellow-blue-red chequered
pinafore that apparently was her old high school uniform. Sometimes she would wear long
dresses that make her look 40 years old.
Before ending this chapter, I just want to mention something I was told by another coursemate,
who was in the same class as Henriette in A-levels in another college. Henriette at that time
was not all about Sai Baba, and just known to be very weird and dressed like an old lady.
She also had a large backpack, which was a mystery to everyone. That is, until one day she
opened it during class and pulled out a pillow.
To everyone's bewilderment, she placed it on the desk, put her head on it, then promptly fell
asleep. The description I was given was that the whole class, including the tutor, stayed silent
for a couple of minutes watching everything unfold.

Phantom in Honolulu
As mentioned earlier, Henriette in her first study group with us revealed that she had operatic
training, won operatic awards, etc. Naturally, we expected her to be pretty good in the singing
department.
To meet these expectations, Henriette started a new habit. She would spontaneously burst into
song at all the most inopportune moments. Moments include:
- walking to class;
- in class, during breaks or discussions amongst ourselves;
- mealtimes; and
- mid-group conversations.
Henriette claimed that she was a soprano, which meant that every single time we hear her sing
it would be a high WOOOOOOOOOOOO or EEEEEEEEEEEEE. Imagine if you have a cat in heat
that you bring everywhere and the cat shrieks whenever it sees something with four legs. It was
insanely uncomfortable when you were reading up liens and easements and suddenly there
was oooOOOOOooooOOOOOooooOOOOO out of nowhere.
Anyway, this led to an event the Law Society was doing in our first semester. One of the oldest
clerks in the law faculty was leaving, and the Law Society decided it would be nice to do a little
farewell party for her.
The farewell party was a little buffet and because the clerk loves the island life, the Law Society
decided on a Hawaiian theme. They put up tiki decorations everywhere, working members had
little fake grass skirts, tropical mocktails and fruits were served, you know the drill. The party
was scheduled right after an evening class around 5-6pm (as the clerk lived out of town), so
most of us were in our everyday clothes of t-shirt, jeans, etc. A karaoke station was set up
(because we are Malaysian as hell) and people sang Under the Boardwalk, If You Like Pina
Coladas, and other beachy songs.
Henriette asked the Law Society president if she could do a performance. None of us were still
aware of how strange Henriette was at that time, and with her operatic credentials it was
granted immediately. He reminded her to dress in Hawaiian theme and suggested Israel
Kamakawiwoole's Over the Rainbow.
Henriette wasn't at the party. The Society was panicking, since they promised the clerk a
5

surprise performance from a student. Where the hell was she? Phone calls were made and not
answered.
Hours later into the party Henriette finally appeared. And, well, Henriette definitely did
something. She was dressed up in a shimmering evening gown, her hair permed and sprinkled
with glitter, her face obscured by a half-face mask. Everyone stared in amazement.
Some guy was trailing behind her with a laptop. She went on stage and took the mic without
any prompt.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am HENRIETTTEEEEEE [sung] and we are here to celebrate the
retirement of [clerk's name, sung]!
The trailing guy turned on the laptop. There was MIDI music playing (very softly). It was Think of
Me, from the Phantom of the Opera.
Henriette sang.
Oh god, Henriette sang.
The younger me, in my old private blog, apparently wrote her singing as with the subtlety of a
wrecking ball, every high note was a scream or a shriek, every low note was a high note, and
every quiet note was a high note. I've managed to block out most of her singing from my
memory, but that reads pretty accurate to what I feel. The performance was overtly grandiose,
not in line with the whole theme, and the singing was terrible. Yes, Henriette could hit high
notes, but being able to do that didn't mean you should hit them all the time. We could hear
her gasping for breath constantly, and coupled with the atrocious MIDI, it just made for a long,
awful, awkward night.
Because it was late, the only people left were students including Law Society members (who
quietly pulled out the booze) and one or two of the more fun lecturers like Parekh. To put it
bluntly, it was fortunate that only so few of us were witness to the disaster.
Oh, and before Henriette arrived, the clerk left for home to catch the last train.

The Girl who Thinks She's Married to Sai Baba

Before the events in Phantom in Honolulu, and even before the
ooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooo in class, Henriette got wind that I was the most IT-savvy
person in the law faculty.
I'm not tooting my own horn (I can't even do basic programming), but a large number of the
students were terrible with computers. I was practically a wizard for showing them that you
could use the AND, OR and NOT functions on lexisnexis and westlaw. One of the lecturers, who
was IT-phobic, got himself the Internet finally when he realised through me what you could do
online. (I want to buy an Internet, Rhino, how do I do that?)
Henriette asked me to fix her laptop, which she claimed had a virus. I asked her to bring it to
class, but she insisted on making it a date in a coffee place nearby. I agreed without thinking
much.
When I got there, she was in a shimmering sari (she loves the shimmers), jewelry in her hair and
bangles around her wrists, and blue contacts. Oh, it was that kind of date.
To be fair to Henriette, she wasn't a hambeast nor was she ugly. It just so happened she wasn't
really my type, and having just come off from a bad breakup I wasn't aching for a girlfriend.
Well, I kept my cool and started fixing her laptop, which was a cesspool. The last time I saw a
computer so badly infected it was a dude who fucking loves his online porn.
We got to talking as the computer was being fixed, stuff like the Narayana, her love for
musicals, law stuff, etc. All the while, she was shifting her weight suggestively and kept blinking
and staring at me with her blue contacts. It was obvious she was flirting with me. I responded a
little to her flirting, but not enough to actually give the idea that I was interested. That probably
was a mistake, because it didn't stop the flirting.
Henriette had her bindi on. I wasn't exactly 100% retarded about Hinduism (just 99%, enough
to confuse Sai Baba with Hare Krishna ), so I asked her about it.
Is that a sign of marriage? Why do you always wear it?
It's to remind myself constantly, to keep myself pure.

Pure?
See, it's my religion. I need to be pure for the one I love.
Oh, you're engaged?
No, I'm already married!
I didn't know! Who's the lucky man?
The one who loves all of us equally. I'm married to Sai Baba.

Uh, I didn't know he's, uh, married...

Oh yes, he is married to all of us who believe in him.
You mean you're spiritually connected to him?
No, I'm spiritually married to him. And I'm keeping myself for Sai Baba.

I... see...?
Oh, but, Rhino, I am in such a dilemma now! It's so painful. I'm so conflicted these days.
Why is that? Is it about Sai Baba?
Yes! And, oh, it's just not him alone!
Who?
It's just... oh, I don't know! If I'm spiritually married to Sai Baba, can I still marry
someone else?
Um, I think that's possible considering you're not legally married to Sai...
No, you don't understand! This is beyond the laws of man. I'm spiritually married to Sai
Baba, and I am spiritually engaged to another man!
Yes, I... well, who's that other man again, sorry?
He's a famous politician in India, and a philanthropist. That is why I'm so attracted to
him. He's just like Sai Baba. You wouldn't know him, by the way.
You met him?
Oh yes.
You've been to India or he came here?
Oh no, I've never been to India. I would like to go there. I met him in my dreams and I
knew I should be his betrothed.
I... um, so how did you get married to Sai Baba in the first place?

I read Sai Baba's teaching, and after I dreamt of him I knew he would be the one to lead
my way of life. Then one day, he came to my dreams. He took my hand and we were at
a golden altar. When I woke up I knew we were married.

I'm glad he came to your life like that.

OH YOUR COMPUTER IS FIXED
I WILL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW GOODBYE

I never got a second date.

10

The Thespian Society

For reasons unknown to us, Henriette's performance in the Phantom of Honolulu party was
deemed a personal success. She went on, based on that party, to obtain approval from the law
faculty dean to allow her to create an official college-supported Thespian Society.
The Thespian Society lasted two years - the very same two years we were in college before
leaving for UK. They have managed to push out two projects:
1. A heavily preachy stage play on the importance of morality and religion; and
2. A massive, 4-hour long Bollywood musical film, with intermissions of song performances.
Both projects will be detailed in their own posts.
Surprisingly, Henriette practised a lot of restraint in making her the main star for both projects.
She was only the star of the film, and it was very telling that she put in a lot more effort into the
film than the stage play. While both were awful in their own special ways, the play was merely
mediocre. The film, in the meantime, was tremendously terrible. Until now, our law faculty
alumni can remember bits and pieces of the film and Henriette's performance in it.
In both projects, Henriette's role followed one single theme: the religious Hindu mother. Both
projects had elaborate, long scenes of her as a mother performing religious rites with her son.
You would expect an actress who won awards before to at least vary her roles a little.
Cast of Characters:
Lisa Lisa are two girls who had been best friends since high school, and became close
acquaintances to Henriette when she came to college. They weren't very remarkable and were
similar in both personality and looks, hence my unceremonious lumping of them together
(sorry ladies). They displayed a surprising sense of self-awareness and acknowledged that
Henriette is odd as hell, but because Henriette depended on them a lot they remained very
supportive of her. Currently, both are practising lawyers in different firms and still meet up with
each other occasionally.
Jake Long, American Dragon is the guy with the laptop in Phantom in Honolulu. He was an
awkward guy in Engineering who seemed to be starstruck by Henriette and was practically
being twisted around her little finger. She treated him like a groupie except without the sex,
since she was saving herself for Sai Baba. Jake Long, American Dragon was also a furry (this is
11

important). I have no idea where he is now.

Min would have been That Girl, but thanks to Henriette whatever craziness she exhibited was
sidelined. Min was a compulsive liar who had the bad habit of putting people into groups and
making different shit up based on the groups they belonged to. Unfortunately, these groups
interacted with each other outside her control, and ultimately shit would hit the fan. She also
claimed that almost every other male in authority (our criminal law lecturer, IP law lecturer in
UK, law faculty dean, her pupil master in a prestigious Malaysian firm, a fucking judge) had
raped her. Min faked dyslexia in UK and got a first class, bragged to all the Malaysians and
pissed everyone off. Nobody gives a shit where she is now.
Shini was Henriette's best friend until halfway through the first semester. Shini only lasted a
few weeks in the Thespian Society. This will be detailed in a separate entry.
Lin is a younger, naive, friendly girl. She viewed Henriette as her best friend (something which I
am not entirely sure is mutual) and looked up to her. She got into Sai Baba, became a
vegetarian, worse saris and did a bunch of Sai Baba-based activities with Henriette. While Lin
was naive, she wasn't exactly delusional and so never wore saris to class daily or declare herself
married to Sai Baba. Lin is still friends with Henriette, and is doing her legal pupilage in a firm
my friend is working at. I feel bad that I never had the chance to warn Lin about Henriette's
craziness, but my friend told me she is doing well so hopefully she comes out okay.
A number of people from the Law Faculty are in the Thespian Society, mostly for not knowing
better and also to support a fellow law faculty mate. A lot of us were exposed to Henriette first
hand through the Thespian Society, including me. I was VP in the Law Society and felt obliged to
support the Thespian Society, which Henriette asked the law faculty dean to be associated with
the Law Society. Suffice to say, Law Society events from then on would have Thespian Society
performances. These were Henriette performances and were all either Phantom of the Opera
or Bollywood songs.
The tutor in charge was Raja.

12

Interlude 1: Raja Discovers Blogging

Raja is the same lecturer who asked me how to buy an Internet. Raja was presumably a genuine
40 year old virgin who never left Malaysia (he was scared of flights), never had a girlfriend
(mother was controlling) and still stayed with his parents.
Raja was a technophobe, until he realised what he could do with a computer when I showed
him how to do legal research without using books. The ironic thing was that he sometimes had
to teach IT law when the usual lecturer was not around.
He was incredibly taken by the idea of blogging, and especially youtube and social media (he
added us all on friendster and left embarrassing comments). Somewhere during this time, he
told us he started a blog for fun, with only a single entry criticising the Malaysian ruling party,
and how he needed to make sure it wasn't libelous which may result in him being prosecuted.
He also made, in another class, a remark about online censorship being regulated by the service
providers, and how youtube disallowed pornographic videos. A student jokingly told him to go
to xtube/pornotube instead.
One day Raja asked to have a private conversation with me. I can't recall the exact details, but it
was on whether online transactions were safe, and how to tell which sort of websites were
dodgy. I gave him a quick crash course on using credit cards online, https, a bit on SSL and so
on.
About a couple of months later, someone checked out Raja's blog for kicks, and clicked the link
to the blogspot profile. That very same night everyone in the law faculty logged on and checked
out that profile.
The profile on blogspot, if you choose to make it public (I believe), would let you see the other
blogs owned by the same person. Well, Raja apparently didn't bother to make that private,
because we all saw the 100+ blogs he created with horrifying pornographic names. Of great
significance was Jennifer Aniston, whose name kept being repeated throughout the blog titles.
I still remember checking on one of the blogs. It had a photoshopped nude photo of Aniston
(among others), and a comment in Raja's unmistakable writing style, stating that he preferred
Aniston's nice perky breasts, and could not believe Brad Pitt was now with that harpy, Angelina
Jolie (with her large sagging breasts). I chose not to look at the others, but other braver souls in
the law faculty did and reported equally distressing contents.
13

The Law Society committee (which included me at the time) convened and debated on whether
we should inform the law faculty dean or at least tell Raja to get rid of the fucking blogs, but for
one reason or another we chose not to and quietly asked everyone else in the law faculty to
keep their mouths shut (especially Min, who probably already have told someone Raja raped
her). I wish I could remember the rationale, but it likely was out of pity and the fact he never
was a perv to anybody. It did make classes with Raja really awkward though.
As far as I am aware, Henriette never knew anything about Raja and his blogs. She probably
would have conducted a ritual to cleanse his soul if she did.
Raja is still a lecturer in the college.

14

Interlude 2: Le Furscution!
This is a story I have first brought up in the previous PYF Troper Tales thread. I have rewritten it
because I discovered my old private journal had chatlogs and forum quotes (I was both
a
fuck and sharing it with online friends - yes I had a real life why do you ask?), with a little
intro in respect of Jake Long, American Dragon.
When I first met Jake Long, American Dragon, I did not think much of him other than him being
a little awkward. We chatted a little here and there when the Law Society had stuff to deal with
the Thespian Society. Ultimately at one point I needed something from him on the Thespian
Society, so I went to his dorm room.
There wasnt anything weird about his place, but his laptop was a completely different story.
Firstly, his internet browser was on, and the open tab I saw was a particular forum (detailed
later in this post). Another tab seemed to be a fan forum of the cartoon Jake Long, American
Dragon
Secondly, this was his desktop. Sorry about the size, I could not find a larger one:

Dude put up the drawing of his own furry character as his desktop background. Not much of a
big deal for a furry, I guess. But! Let me show you what was on the desktop. Heres a shitty
recreation done with a finger on the iPad:

15

A yiff folder.
A
YIFF
FOLDER.
I feigned ignorance, got the Thespian Society thing done, made an excuse and went out double
quick. Other than the online friends I hung out with (who were not in Malaysia) I never told
anyone. Not that it mattered, since everyone would find out eventually in the then near future.
One of my online friends did some Internet Detective shit on him, and found the forums he
posted on. Apparently Jake Long, American Dragon (the furry) was into Jake Long, American
Dragon (the cartoon character) in a rather sexual way.

16

She also found a post, which is as follows:

Jake Long, American Dragon posted:
What is Furry to you?
Erotic art? Personality? Hobby? Lifestyle? Passion? Soul? Reason? Rebellion? What? What is it
to you?
Furry is part of my soul, lifestyle, personality. Without my Furry self, I feel like
nothing. Before I knew about Furry, I thought I was a very wierd person, having just like the
kinda of stuff since kintergarden. When I found out about AA, and others who supposedly are
like me, I felt more happy. I was not alone. I have others to share.
What do I see now? Hypocrites? I don't know how to specify.
Just know this, my dear ?friends?, that having such a community locally, in my own homeland,
is one of those happiest things in my life. Sometimes, I regret being what I am.
So, what's Furry to you?
Generally, to everyone and anyone, are you Furry?
From what I'm seeing here, most of you, are not. Just hypocrites. Yes, ouchies. Don't claim
you have met more kind of people and are more experienced.
I love this community. I want it to be the place I am very welcomed.
I want to know, if our community members have ever thought deeply, how much are they
into this. [FORUM OWNER] might as well, CLOSE DOWN the ****ing forum if most of you
can't even take off 15mins and write something here, or think of the community. Instead of
****ing around with your games, might as well social with each other, damnit.
Don't ask me why I'm so uptight. I think it's time I pose the questions that have went through
my mind.
When I go hangout with other Furs, it's like Hi! Bye!. I practically don't know why I spend all
my effort and devotion to the community. To what I am.
My definition to what I'm asking may be quite contraint. Basically just provide an answer,
17

don't bother the contraint.

Answer my question. ALL OF YOU. Are you seriously a Fur? or just an asshole.

Being a furry is very important yall

Jake Long, American Dragon plays an interesting part later in the Bollywood film. For now, lets
talk about that forum he posted on.
This forum was started by a bunch of Malaysian college kids called, ha ha, Anthro Asia. Yes, it
was a fucking furry forum. Anthro Asia was an exclusive website which required invitations to
join, but somehow, all posts were public.
Anyway, for one reason or another I got invited to Anthro Asia by some college kid, Ross. I told
Ross I was not a furry but he blanked that out and told me I would have a good time talking to
like-minded people. Right.
They did not explicitly state that the forum was furry but instead, an anthropomorphic
community. I was no furry, so I did the next best thing.
I signed up as Swamp Thing.
When I did my first post, I wrote this:
Swamp Thing posted:
I'm using Opera because the stages in opera houses are made of wood
I'm totally into WOOD
I apparently nearly got banned for that awful joke. Furries

18

Some Malaysian furry, in a thread complaining about that CSI episode posted:
Swamp Thing posted:
Ok why do furries need hundreds of websites to display the true meaning of their fandom
when the Star Trek, Video Game and Japanese Anime fans don't have to?
Apprently you've were under a rock all this while when the fandom underwent the
renaissance battle from late 2000 to early 2002.
Furry has no base to begin with. Otakus had anime, Gamers had games, Trekkies had Star Trek,
furry has no proper base that regular people connect to and no, Disney's Robin Hood was not
a base to begin with. The fandom is said to branch off Trekkies, so an individual unique source
is non-existent.
Plus, furry fandom started on a very very bad foot, 18 years ago furry was about Bondage Bob,
leather, spanking and mass gay orgies that happen in so such furry cons. Confurence 1 was
also publicly associated with unaccepted deviancy, the ad for the con appeared in an adult
fetish magazine and that kickstarted the bad image. From then things took a nose-dive and the
decent half of the fandom with enough sensibility wasn't gonna take it lying down.
Now, if you're constantly mistakenly referred to as a flamingly exxagerated hairy American
homosexual who saunters around in nothing more than leather harness and various Cat-oNine-Tails tied to the belt, wouldn't YOU want to defend your image? Many of us decent folk
who are in the fandom for the socialising, art and having a general good time mingling aren't
going to simply lay back and spread our legs in the air.
The loudest people are the ones who give a fandom/association its stereotype, and it's time
for the decent folk to shout back. We can't change the mistakes of the past, but the best we
can do is equal it out with a good side.
Think a little bit more before opening your yap hole.

19

A private conversation between me and a mod, who IMed me in respect of the above:
I really suggest bringing in more seriousness into the forums. and lessen the humour
though..
I was being serious when he told me to shut up
check the post again.. he's edited it..
He edited it to add shut your yap hole
and it's been edited again.. Think a little bit more before opening your yap hole.
that's almost the same
heck no... yap hole = mouth.. not as in any other hole that you know..
what
I wasn't thinking of anything other than mouth
what are you saying
A Mod PM to me, after I wrote FISH ARE BOOTILICIOUS in a thread on which animal do you
think is hot:
Swamp Thing,
Need to remind you that words all in Caps Lock means that you are rudely shouting on the
internet. Your posting in the thread will ruffle some furs who will think of it as a flame
war/insult. I've edited your post to normal text. Please keep this in mind in future postings.
Thank You!

I was questioned more than a few times why I decided not to become a furry anymore (I was
NEVER one), so I just said I was more attuned to The Green and that I have come to believe that
the bog is the source of all life on this earth. Sometimes I told them I was actually not human,
but a plant who once believed he was human, and now have come to peace with it and would
20

like to go online to find a Swamp Wife. These answers appeared to piss them off and they
stopped bothering me.
Anyway, I was sharing dumb posts (including one on how hot Boxer of Animal Farm was )
with the same bunch of online friends, one of whom posted a quote in their livejournal. Ross
and the other mods saw my friends post and panicked. They hid the forum from public view,
then put me on skype for an online group interrogation (LOL). They asked me why I became a
mole, why I betrayed the furry cause
and so on. They also combed through my
friends list on livejournal, and asked me individually any person whose name they found
suspicious. They banned me soon after, then wiped out every single one of my post and
reference to Swamp Thing.
I went through my private journal for my final moments on Anthro Asia, since I was not thrown
out immediately after the skype interrogation. It was apparently a thread on photos of real life
furries and I posted http://www.scottybunny.com/

21

THEN they banned me. I don't understand, do furries hate the fabulous???
Anticlimatically, Jake Long, American Dragon was very quiet then on Anthro Asia and never
knew who Swamp Thing was. I actually only found out he was a furry after being banned.
Years pass and earlier in April, I met up with a bunch of friends for movies, and it turned out
that Ross and I had a mutual friend. She invited both of us, and Ross was fucking furious when
he saw me. He called me a troll the whole night and his behaviour was the only reason I
recalled Anthro Asia.
I bought him a drink and he didnt even say thanks. Furries

22

Amnesia - The Friendship Descent

For the first few months of the first semester, Henriette was best friends with Shini. Shini was a
bit of a loner and had a rather negative personality, which did not mesh with the girls of our
batch and inadvertently made her an outcast. It didnt help that she was mates with That Girl,
which caused her to have only one friend in college.
Henriette and Shini were completely BFF and everything seemed fine to everyone. Shini was
quiet and just agreed with whatever Henriette suggested, although Shini was never really into
the whole Sai Baba thing. Shini told her she was not going to wear a sari to class everyday,
which Henriette found confusing and hurtful since Shini is Indian. Shini also could not and
refused to sing or dance.
I was not aware of this until very recently, but Lisa Lisa realised at some point in the first
semester Shinis situation of having only one friend. They also noticed Henriette was not as
warm to Shini as she was in the beginning weeks, for reasons they are not aware of. The
Thespian Society was also officially formed, and Henriette had started pre-production on the
stage play.
One of the professional exercises we did was a mock client conference. Basically, you were to
act as a legal aid lawyer with given example scenarios, and had 15 minutes to interview a
potentially uncooperative client you have to defend in court. One of these involved a young
woman caught shoplifting, and the student playing the client was given instructions that she
wanted to lie to the Court by saying she fell down the stairs and could not remember a thing.
One day, Henriette came to class looking like her head was in a cloud. She was dressed sloppily
like she just crawled out of bed instead of a sari. When Shini greeted her, she looked at her like
Shini was a crazy person. I suspected something was off and asked Shini, who did not know a
thing either. I wanted to figure out what the fuck but pretended things were normal.
Hey Henriette, we are distributing notes for the equity class later. Have you gotten a
copy?
Equity?
The class with Harold later?

23

I do law?
Uh... heres one copy. Ill go grab one for myself.
Okay. Thank you, kind sir.
Shini saw the whole thing and was pretty distressed. She went to Henriette and asked her what
was wrong, but Henriette just stared at her in a stony expression. The whole class was starting
to get suspicious, and the last thing I wanted was a spectacle involving Henriette. As of then,
only a couple of my closest friends knew about my date with Henriette, so the class was not
aware of how crazy she was.
Lisa Lisa came to class late, so I quietly let them in to what was going on. Similarly concerned,
they spoke to Henriette and amazingly Henriette knew who they were. She immediately took to
them like they were her true friends and completely ignored Shini. Figuring something bad
happened to Henriette, Lisa Lisa took Henriette to the law faculty dean.
All the while when Lisa Lisa spoke to Henriette, Shini stayed deathly quiet. When they left she
looked at me. Her expression was one of pure confusion, and crushing defeat. It was absolutely
harrowing and I knew there was nothing I could do to help her. After that, without a word she
went to her desk, packed her things, and went home. She did not attend class the whole day.
According to Lisa Lisa later, Henriette told the law faculty dean the last thing she recalled
was falling down the stairs the afternoon before, somewhere around 2pm, and that she was
supposed to attend some class in college she wasnt aware of. While Lisa Lisa were talking to
the dean, Henriette stood up, turned off the lights, then turned it on again. Lisa Lisa and the
dean guessed she had amnesia, so they arranged for a cab to bring her to hospital. Henriette
insisted Lisa Lisa go with her and nobody else.
Lisa Lisa both had a different scenario from the shoplifting girl one in the mock client
conference.
Henriettes accident was so serious that apparently the hospital could not find anything wrong
with her no bruises, no blood clot, nothing. They even did a brain scan (according to Lisa Lisa)
which revealed nothing either. It was apparently serious enough that Henriettes parents came
down from East Malaysia to check on her (2-3 hours flight).
24

Henriettes admission to hospital of course made the rounds, and we made arrangements to
visit her. This never happened, as Lisa Lisa called me to tell us that Henriette said she was still
confused and did not want visitors. Lisa Lisa also told me that if we wanted to, we could pool
some money and they would buy a cake for Henriettes birthday, which unfortunately had to be
celebrated in the hospital. Whens Henriettes birthday? I asked.
Its a belated birthday thing, said Lisa Lisa. Her birthday was the day she fell down the stairs.
Lisa Lisa would later inform a few of us that Shini had forgotten Henriettes birthday and only
realised it after Henriette was admitted to hospital.
A couple of weeks later, Henriettes parents left and Henriette was back with us, right as rain.
She was singing spontaneously again, wearing her white sari and bindi, being dramatic as hell,
the usual.
One thing changed, however. She was no longer talking to Shini.
Heres something strange. Remember how I mentioned that the Thespian Society was doing
pre-production for the stage play, and a number of law faculty members were in it? Well, one
of the more popular girls was in the play as lead dancer. She distinctively remembered
Henriette doing choreography with her and the other dancers the evening of Henriettes
birthday, several hours after the accident. Which meant that Henriette lost all memories of her
education, her best friend, her coursemates, but not complicated dance moves and the dancers
in her play.
I admit I dont know much about how amnesia works but that is pretty fucking
anyone more knowledgeable has anything to say about it, please do.

for me. If

Shini never made another friend and stayed alone the rest of her time in college. She stopped
going to the Thespian Society and left college before the second semester begun.
Shini is now presumably working in Australia after completing a degree in business.

25

The Stage Play

There were two projects which came out from the Thespian Society: the Stage Play, and the
Bollywood Musical. The Stage Play was titled Trials and Tribulations,

The Stage Play took two semesters to plan, choreograph, script, rehearsed and set up. It
involved a lot of students from the law faculty, most of them doing the dance. Henriette, bless
her, kept a tight lid on the story of the Stage Play. The show was lip-synced, so only some
people had scripts, and most actors were just told go here, act angry against him, look
dejected, walk away.
One person I forgot to include in the Cast of Characters is Shum, who was the star of the Stage
Play. Before joining the Thespian Society, Shum appeared in some Malaysian reality television
show highly similar to Dragons Den but for youths to kickstart their dreams and be successful
in an unorthodox field. His specialty was Indian Carnatic Singing. He did not win, but got tons of
publicity and did a number of public performances after that in religious and traditional events.
Shum was pretty charming and talented, which makes his being part of the Thespian Society
somewhat tragic. I have no idea where he is now, but Shum came out of the Thespian Society
pretty unscathed.
Trials and Tribulations well, it was pretty preachy, to be honest, and the younger me did
not
hard enough to put the account in writing. All I could recall was that the show involved
the following plot:
Trials and Tribulations
Shum was a poor kid who had strong moral and religious values. His friend, Seng, was a rich
spoiled brat who did not believe in traditional Eastern values, and belittled Shum constantly for
being poor. Shum respected his mother (Henriette) and honoured her wishes and listened to
her advice, so he grew up to be a successful doctor and took care of her when she was old.
Seng was an ass to his mother, went out partying every night, wasted all his money and
became a janitor. Show ends with Shum meeting Seng and offering Seng help, the latter who
rejects him but later accepts that Shum was a better man than he was.
That was exhilarating! The show was obviously full of moralistic rubbish which nobody gave
a shit about. However, Henriette did a couple of strange things for the Stage Play:

26

1. A scene involved Shum being frustrated with working so hard in school, so Henriette
consoled him and advised him to study hard so as to be successful (so fucking Asian).
Somehow, this scene did a 180 Shum knelt down before Henriette, then she started
hanging flower bracelets around Shum, took a lamp and poured water over his head and
sang in Hindi. How does encouragement to study turn into a Hindu ritual? I have no
idea.
2. When Shum grew up to be a fucking famous doctor, Henriette was old and frail and one
of those contestants that just won't get eliminated from The Amazing Race. All her lip
synch dialogue was practically her coughing and hacking after each second word, so
nobody ever knew what she was talking about. This was a conscious decision on her
part.
3. Min had a scene where she was a bitchy girl goading Seng into partying with her and her
friends. Henriette apparently wasnt a big fan of Min, because Mins lip synch voice was
changed to a dude (probably Jake Long, American Dragon) doing a high pitch falsetto
with a script making Min sound like a complete ditz. Min refused to speak to Henriette
for months, although thankfully she did not tell anyone Henriette raped her.
4. Vina, who acted as Sengs mother and is Malay, had her lip synch voice changed to
someone with a thick Chinese accent. Vina never really knew Henriette, so the change
remains unexplained.
5. You would recall I mention there was dancing in the show. Well, they were traditional
Malay, Chinese and Indian dances. But, The Saddest Rhino, you ask, the only way
dancing can fit in is in the nightclub with Seng. How does this work?
Here's how. After Seng got goaded into partying, he and Mins friends did some
awkward dancing to some techno music. The music stopped, and some random
dude came in stage left, shouting something about how youths today no longer respect
elders and follow Eastern values, etc. Seng and co quietly left stage right, clearly in awe
of this random dudes preaching.
Random dude continued his monologue, and then shifted and went into patriotism. Two
guys entered the stage behind him, holding a gigantic Malaysian flag. The Malaysian
national anthem was played and the ing audience were suddenly asked to stand.
Then the music changed, girls ran in on to the stage in traditional garb, and the
traditional dances began.
27

That's right. In a nightclub of people drinking and dancing to degenerate Western house
music, someone comes in with a Malaysian flag, his patriotism so moving that everyone
changes their way, put on respectable Eastern clothing, and does respectable docile
dances instead. Also they dance to the Malaysian national anthem.
6. Henriette ended the show with a song, and she sang/screamed the Phantom of the
Opera. Again. After we heard it first in the Hawaiian farewell party and the Law Prom
that semester. Girl was resilient to change.
For one reason or another, I seem to recall that the show was considered a success and
Henriette actually got more people into the Thespian Society. Law faculty students were less
willing to enter, already fully aware of how strange she was (and how bad her singing was).
Henriette was on her way up, and there was only one thing left to do.
Make a movie.

28

The Bollywood Film 1: A True Story

Henriette?
Rhino! I need your help urgently! I need a lawyer!
Holy crap, what happened?
I need you to come to the moot court classroom dressed up like a lawyer! It's really
important! Remember to iron your shirt and tie and wear your suit too! Bye!
It's three in the bloody morn-did you just hang up on me?
And that was how I came to be part of the development and saga of Henriette's second and
final project for the Thespian Society: the Bollywood film. I was not only actor, I also became
part of the technical crew for the stage and screening (because knowing computers means
knowing anything involving buttons). It was through these roles I got some insight on the
workings of the film and how much of a trainwreck it would turn out to be. To Henriette's
benefit, the show apparently did make some kind of monetary profit (since she charged for
tickets), but at what cost?
I turned up in the moot court in my own shirt, jacket and tie, not entirely sure of what to
expect. Henriette was already there with a flimsy little Panasonic camcoder on a stand, and
assisting her was Lin (the fangirl) and Jake Long, American Dragon (the furry). Henriette had a
worried expression on her face: Azmi, the lecturer who she had managed to convince to act as
a judge, had not turned up because he was at afternoon prayers.

29

So, what's the show about?

It's a part-musical part-drama based on a true story! It's a story about a mother striving
against the threachery of men to become an independent woman. I am Sadna, who
eloped with a man she thought was her true love, but it turned out he was a violent
gambler, so she divorced him and got all his money. We are now going to film the last
climatic scene where the court declared that Sadna gets to own half the matrimonial
home and she has finally won! Yes, half a house physically. It wasn't liquidated, no. It's a
true story. You are my ex-husband's lawyer who asks me a lot of unfair questions and
cause me great agony, and basically you're an asshole. Oh, stop complaining. By the
way, I forgot to tell you, the show's name is I WILL SURVIVE!
I will survive. That's rather disco. Very Gloria Gaynor.
You're pronouncing it wrong! It has an exclamation mark at the end. Here, take a look at
this poster.

30

What do you mean, is this a concept draft? Don't be silly! It's the final teaser poster and
I got society members to paste it around campus today. Ah, Azmi's here!
Ok, I got an hour before the next class. Do you have a script?
No, everything's improvised.
Wait, we need to write our own argument and judgment?
Well, you're doing law! That's pretty easy for you. Here, have some information about
this scene.
Don't you have a storyboard or any kind of conceptual thing at a

31

I'm awarding you half a house? I don't think that's how damages are calculated.
It's a true story.
Another guy turned up in a suit, obviously the actor portraying Henriette's lawyer. I recognised
him - he was an engineering student, which meant...
Do I have to write HIS argument too? To use against me?
Of course!

32

The Bollywood Film 2: I am Batman

I Will Survive!
Sadna (Henriette) fell in love with a poor cafeteria worker played by Shum (the carnatic
singer), but her parents wanted her to marry the rich but somewhat boring Hinder. Sadna
eloped with Shum, and somehow Shum became successful and owned an unnamed
company. Shum also turned out to be a gambler, drunk and a wifebeater. Sadna divorced
and took her kid with her, but got a terrible alimony. She brought Shum to court (ironically
with Hinder as her lawyer) and was awarded a handsome sum in damages and also half
the house.
It's a true story.

I looked at the information sheet detailing my character. I was, apparently, the lousy lawyer
representing Shum, whose only defence was that Sadna provided no income to the family, and
something about a nightclub which Shum made up apparently. Azmi was also reading his and
had some questions for Henriette.
I think the no income to family defence can be used to stop you from getting too
much money, you know.

The audience wouldn't know, don't worry! Anyway, it's a true story. Being the judge,
you are going to pass judgment that I get half the house and a few million American
dollars.

About that half the house thing.

I left Henriette to argue with Azmi, and concentrated on the argument-writing with Hinder.
Hinder was obviously out of his league, and I had to teach him basics of court proceedings and
the forms of arguments he could make. He was genuinely fascinated with the workings of the
court and such, and coaching him in that very short time was actually quite pleasant.
In the middle of the coaching, Henriette did a short shriek.
We don't have a court clerk! We need a MALAY GIRL as a court clerk! It has to be
accurate! Lin! Give me Vina's number now! VINA VINA VINA! I have an emergency! I
need a court clerk!

33

Those phone conversations would become a regular trend in the production of I Will Survive!.
Any time Henriette needed an actor not part of her entourage, she would hurriedly call
someone, put up a pretense of emergency and provide minimal information to induce the
person to come. That was in fact how almost every other student in the law faculty got involved
as an actor or bit part in the show: there was once Henriette called up a bunch of guys in the
middle of the night only to make them sit in the background of a cafeteria as extras. I doubt
anybody actually walked away from the, ha ha, set despite the lack of preparation or anything
whatsoever. Morbid curiosity and boredom most probably played a large part.
Vina, thankfully, was just around the area and came by quite quickly. Being a law student she
also helped out in writing out the arguments, since she realised her role was relegated to : (1)
sitting down in front of Azmi and pretending to write stuff; (2) standing up and say Court
rise/Court adjourned and (3) lending Henriette her handbag for a scene.
Henriette came to us, took a look at our scripts and disapproved.
You have got it all wrong! Rhino, you need to ask me whether I conduct in nocturnal
activities! Then, the judge will scold you for using bombastic words at me. You need
more bombastic words, put them in please. Also, that has to be your last line in the
cross-examination because you are not only an asshole, you are a terrible lawyer. And
Hinder needs to shout OBJECTION! when you mention the nocturnal thing.

Malaysian courts like English courts don't do that. That's American. Also what is with
that noctur
It's a true story.
Who was I to question the validity of a true story? I worked those parts in and soon after,
Henriette was shrieking for me to stand by the witness box she was sitting in.
Lin turned on the camcorder. Oh, we were filming without any rehearsal at all? I glanced at
Henriette, who had her game face on, which was a stony expression staring at me intensely. I
started speaking, only to be interrupted by a shriek.
You need to speak louder! The camera's over there, you need to speak loudly so it can
get your voice! Also don't move around the court because you need to stay in frame all
the time.
34

So, there was a little Panasonic camcorder on a stand. No mics. Just Lin and Jake Long,
American Dragon holding onto it. Whenever a perspective change was required, Henriette
would shriek and we would pause our actions, while the two camerapersons ran gingerly
around us holding the camera and the stand.
We also had to film everything in sequence (which meant Vina and Azmi, who only had scenes
in the beginning and the end of the court scene, had to wait sitting doing nothing while the
arguments were being made), because apparently Henriette was doing the editing and she,
who had a diploma in drama and film, knew you can only edit films which are in sequence and
therefore the filming procedure should ignore petty things like time schedules and human
resources.
I had a rather difficult time doing the court scene. There were no rehearsals, the only script I
had was mine, and therefore I was not able to anticipate Henriette's responses to my
questions. This resulted in the following exchange:
So, Madam Sadna, I put to you that you have been spending your nights... er...
conducting nocturnal activities in the more questionable establishments of the city.

[STONY EXPRESSION IS EVEN MORE STONED]

35

If you could answer by way of yes or no

HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING YOU HORRIBLE PERSON HOW COULD YOU DO
SUCH A THING TO A SINGLE MOTHER LIKE ME

Madam S

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT YOU MEN ARE ALL SUCH SUCH SUCH BEASTS, I AM DYING AND
SUFFERING HERE BECAUSE OF YOU OH SAI BABA
As it turned out, Shum also shared the same difficulty as I did. A scene involved him and
Henriette having some kind of face-off match before the courtroom, where Shum threatened to
sue the pants off her. In court. He was similarly faced with the same massive stony expression,
36

and was shrieked at immediately after when he tried to figure out what Henriette was doing.
...and Madam Sadna is awarded... half... the matrimonial home.
Thank good god that was over. Now I could go home and catch up with Heroes.
RHINOOOOOOOOO
Whaaaaaaaaaaat.
Rhino I need you to do another scene and also I need Shawn's number! It's urgent! We
need another lawyer and he must be Indian!

37

The Bollywood Film 3: Andrew, You're Not the Father

Shawn, dude. You know Henriette.
Oh yeah! She's doing some wife-beating movie, isn't she? They were trying to sell us
tickets in class just a moment ago.
Do you want to be in her movie. You are supposed to be some asshole lawyer (like me)
who is trying to make Henriette's life miserable.
Is she... is she as batshit as everyone says she is?
Just a little more than that.
HELL FUCKING YES I AM FUCKING IN
Shawn's role was to be the previous lawyer of Sadna (Henriette's character), and was
apparently trying to milk all the money out of her. Sadna got wind of this deceit and hired
Hinder, her ex-suitor, as her lawyer instead. I asked Henriette why neither Lin nor Jake Long,
American Dragon could act as the lawyer instead.
I Will Survive! as you know is a movie about a lone woman's triumph against the
treachery of men! That's why all the villains have to be male. It's to show women can
survive in this unforgiving world of men and their ilk!
That explains Lin, what about Jake Long, American Dragon?
You're silly! Jake Long, American Dragon's Chinese. The lawyer has to be Indian. These
things need to be accurate. It's a
Soon we were moving to a new set, which would be the student affairs office the staff had
graciously lent Henriette an hour to film her movie. I picked up Shawn, and while driving there
gave him a quick run through of I Will Survive!.
So Henriette eloped with the Abusive Husband, had a son, divorced him and fought him
in court for like ten years. And the Abusive Husband was a cafeteria worker who then
owns a company listed on the stock exchange. And the original alimony before the final
court order was MYR 100 / month (USD 31.46 / month)?
True story, brah.
As I parked we saw Henriette and Jake Long, American Dragon outside of the office. They were
dancing to some Bollywood song Henriette was blaring on her cell phone. So this must be the
part-musical portion of I Will Survive!, then. A bit of an odd place to do it.
38

Henriette climbed on to a table, spead herself on it and made movements resembling a slow
motion epileptic fit. Jake Long, American Dragon hugged the camera stand, and spun around
the place. Henriette was singing shrilly in words foreign to me but probably in praise of Sai
Baba. Shawn was a little flabbergasted at this point, probably just realising he may have gotten
more than what he had bargained for. As for me, it took a hell lot of an effort to keep my
decorum with an impartial expression.
Wait, Jake Long, American Dragon was hugging the camera stand? The camcorder... oh, there it
was. At a corner on the floor. Then what were these two doing?
Hey Shawn, Rhino, we're just having a fun break before filming. Care to join us?
(FUCK) NO THANKS
Lin soon came from the office to let us know we could start filming, and Henriette stopped
gyrating like a mouse after ingesting rat poison long enough to describe to us the scene (which
was of course improvised). Shawn was Sadna's previous lawyer, who tried to commit fraud by
having the alimony set down as a settlement fee of MYR 100,000 (USD 31,461) paid by the exhusband, Shum. The scene was me (as Shum's lawyer) negotiating the settlement fee with
Shawn and being all evil, asshole lawyers twirling our moustaches. We were then left to write
our scripts, as Henriette needed to do some scene involving her and a police officer (played by a
security guard).

39

How is this fraud again?

I think she means youre trying to cut the trial short so you can get some easy money. As
to why you are not prolonging the trial to allow you to charge exorbitant legal fees and
then lose her case in the process... no, I don't know how this is fraud, seriously. It's a
true story, I guess.
Is she really studying law?

YOU POLICE ARE ALL THE SAME I CAN'T EVEN REPORT MY HUSBAND IS BEATING ME UP
WITHOUT YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE UNFAIR QUESTIONS LOOK AT MY WOUNDS LOOK
AT MY SCARS CAN THEY HEAL THEY CANNOT HEAL YOU MEN ONLY PROTECT YOUR KIND
AND NOT THE WOMEN HOW CAN A WOMAN SURVIVE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD I AM A
SINGLE MOTHER OH SAI BABA

Yes.

Jake Long, American Dragon approached us.

You law students are so smart! You can just sit down and have an intellectual argument
at the spur of the moment!

Riiiiiiiiiiiggggght. I had yet to find out Jake Long, American Dragon was a furry yet, but that was
one of my first few actual encounters of him. Shawn was already finding him creepy and I just
wanted to get the whole thing over with.
And we got over with the scene pretty easily because Henriette was not involved in it
40

whatsoever, since it was just two evil dudes chillin' and schemin', turning a settlement fee from
MYR 4 million to MYR 100,000. We took it in one take (despite me flubbing all of my lines), and
Henriette was pretty happy with the outcome.
Shawn and I had to do another short scene somewhere else, which involved us doing more
schemin' under a tree or some shit like that (Skipping ahead - neither Shawn nor I had any other
scenes after that, and we were no longer called in to act anymore). Lin and Henriette did
another scene closeby, which left us alone with Jake Long, American Dragon. Fuck.
Jake Long, American Dragon, ever eager to please, showed us the scene we just did. Holy shit,
not only did I flub my lines, I had apparently flub it in such a way that I was actually
bargaining in detriment to my own client while Shawn was trying not to laugh his ass off. Why
weren't we given scripts nor were we allowed to rehearse? This was going to be in the final I
Will Survive! and everyone is going to watch me do stupid shit. Why did I answer the phone?
Noticing how unimpressed we were with our performance, Jake Long, American Dragon
showed us another tape. It was a scene of Henriette and a little Indian boy, who he informed us
was the kid acting as Henriette's son.
So, what about you, Jake Long, American Dragon? You have a role in this?
Oh yes! I am acting as Henriette's son.

Uh... so the little Indian kid you showed us just now... would grow up to be you,
a Chinese young adult? And this is a true story, right?
Yeah, why?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfelqZpapZA

41

The Bollywood Film 4: Fever

One week before the screening of I Will Survive!, Henriette put up a movie trailer on
googlevideos. Unfortunately, either google or Henriette has removed it, since it's now gone and
the only thing I have left is a skeletal description in my old livejournal. There were a few things
prominent in that trailer:
1.

What would turn out to be the most popular scene in I Will Survive! was featured as
part of the trailer: a swimming pool sequence between Shum (Abusive Ex-Husband) and
Henriette.

The scene was intended to be that Shum was evil enough to push his wife into the pool.
What made the scene more entertaining was that Shum did a very nonchalant slap on
the face, as if it was his duty as an Abusive Husband and Henriette was scheduled for
her daily 5pm pool-dunking. Because the slap was so casual, Henriette reacted only a
42

second later by swinging her arms wildly then jumping into the pool. As Henriette
screamed in the water, Shum observed for a few seconds with his arms crossed, then
walked offscreen to plan for her continued abuse for the day.
Suffice to say, everyone in the law faculty loved that scene for various different reasons.
2.

The trailer had the following title cards shown in between scenes:
A WOMAN IN AN
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
HOW WILL SHE SURVIVE?
...OR
WILL SHE SURVIVE??????
I WILL SURVIVE!
A MOVIE BY HENRIETTE
DIRECTOR, PRIMARY ACTRESS, SCREENWRITER, CINEMATOGRAPHER,
CAMERAPERSON, EDITOR, SINGER

The law faculty was less than impressed. We have already seen (or acted in) the stage play, and
almost everyone was aware of how egocentric and Sai Baba-obssessed Henriette was. She was
also charging MYR 3.00 (less than an American dollar, but enough for a cheap meal) for the
screening, which we were warned could be more than five hours. Nobody was eager to spend a
whole night watching another performance of Hindu mother rituals. Harold (the equity law
lecturer) famously speculated it would be akin a glorious tsunami hitting Malaysia Arts and
Culture.
Henriette, to her credit, did manage to convince the law faculty Dean and even the Head of the
college to attend the screening. Nobody really knows how she managed to do this.
Wale, who was an exchange law student from Namibia, was known among us for being a
photography enthusiast who can work with Photoshop and basic imagine manipulation.
Henriette asked him to design some posters for I Will Survive!, since the previous cursive
handwriting poster was not exactly attracting as many people as she thought. Far as I knew,
Wale just took some pictures from the trailer, then used a Flickr tool to create them.
Henriette asked for four poster designs (WHY), but Wale created six instead. Henriette was
43

never ever shown the extra two posters, but Wale did a kind thing and emailed his creations to
a number of us.

44

Wale made a lot of friends that day.

45

The Bollywood Film 5: What If?

RHINO I NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY

Yes, you need someone to work the projector and the backstage for the screening
tomorrow. You asked Wale and me yesterday.
YES I NEED YOU TWO HOURS BEFORE
Good night, Henriette.
Day of screening! Henriette had decided that Wale and I, both who knew how to use the
computer to do things, would be best to handle all the technical aspects of the show. Wale had
a strong Namibian accent which people find difficult to understand, and I had a slight hearing
problem and often need repeated instructions to understand things fully. A winning
combination!
I arrived at the place two hours before time (of course), but Henriette herself was nowhere to
be found. Fortunately, Wale was already there to help Lisa Lisa out with the projector
and Henriette's laptop.
So, where's the movie? Wait, is this CD 1 of 3? There are THREE CDs? And where are the
other two?
Henriette... is still editing the film.
Well, this was terrific. We had ten minutes to test out a potentially five hour movie. I Will
Survive! was obviously going to be a major success. Wale, in the meantime, had bigger
problems to report.
46

This computer is full of viruses and spyware. Oh, and every ten minutes a window
appears to tell me my porn-watching habits may download viruses into my computer.
I thought I fixed that just a few months ago?
Don't worry, we'll get another laptop from a member.
I went backstage to figure out what kind of buttons were supposed to be pressed for the sound
and lighting, and to teach the Thespian Society members how to work it. Having no experience
in that area surely would give me an advantage in the field.
As I was fiddling with the switches, Wale came to the backstage.
Yo, Rhino. What if?
I dunno man, what if? I ask myself that all the time.
Ha ha ha. But seriously man, what if?
It was obvious Wale was not asking me an existential philosophical question.
What's shift?
What... ok, I'm gonna come over. Give me a second.
I went to the projector, which was hooked up to a laptop. Lisa Lisa were adjusting the device as
the blurred image of a desktop was projected on the screen above the stage. Hold on, that
laptop seemed familiar...

47

What the fuck!

So, what's yiff?

48

The Bollywood Film 6: The Importance of Data Security

Is that a dinosaur?

(For reference, this is the actual desktop background:

What's up, Rhino?

Jake Long, American Dragon... listen, that computer being used for the screening is
yours, right?
Yeah?
Do you want to make it less obviously yours? Starting with cleaning up your desktop?
That folder named Yiff. Rhino tells me it may be someone's name or something
personal and we didn't want to open it 'cause we totally respect your privacy and shit.

49

Oh, yeah, that's right! You law students really are smart! You just think of everything. I'll
go do that!

Can Yiff really be someone's name?

Uh... just leave it as that and don't think too much.
I'm gonna google it when I go home.
Some things are not meant for Man to know, Wale.

Rhino, Wale, I've fixed the laptop! I've got to go back backstage, but Lisa Lisa should
have the screen up in a minute.
Nice. Rhino and I will test out CD 1.

50

So it is gay porn, right?

Might as well be.

51

The Bollywood Film 7: A Cleansing

Thirty minutes before screening. People started to fill up the seats, and the once-silent hall was
buzzing with voices. The entire law faculty had turned up, mostly to witness the horrors
Henriette had in store for us. Surprisingly enough, despite the price tag attached to the
screening, the hall was almost full with young couples.
I spotted my then-girlfriend grabbing a seat for me, and was eager to join the audience. Wale
had already scooted over to where his classmates were, no doubt ready to entertain them by
asking what Yiff was.
Only problem: Henriette was still not there. Lisa Lisa were starting to panic as numerous phone
calls were not answered. The audience had been staring at the screen above the stage, where
Jake Long, American Dragon's NOT GAY PORN DO NOT DELETE! folder basked in their
everlasting gaze.

There was some fanfare outside as the head of the college arrived with the law faculty dean.
Jake Long, American Dragon's desktop was still up there.
Finally Henriette turned up running in both a hurry and a sari. Lin was tailing her closely with a
laptop open.
RHINOOOO WHERE ARE oh there you are! We should start the show soon! Have you
briefed Lisa Lisa on how to use the projector?
52

Yeah. I got CD 1 running too so they can just hit play when you want to start. Where's
CD 2 and 3?
No CD 3! And don't worry, Lin's computer is running the video exporting process for CD
2 now!
Uh... yeah, I won't worry then.

When did you begin the exporting?

Just before we left! About ten minutes ago.
Henriette, this thing says it'll take another three hours to fini
LISA LISA WE NEED TO GATHER THE SINGERS NOW WHERE IS EVERYONE GET THEM
HERE NOW
Henrie
LISAAAAAAA LISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I trust everything is in good hands! I must join the girlfriend now. BYE.

53

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN this isn't my computer, whose is

is that gay porn
WHAT IN SAI BABA'S NAME IS THIS PROJECTED ON THE SCREEN
I MUST PURGE THIS OH MY LORD

And the crowd goes wild.

54

The Bollywood Film 8: Premiere

After semesters of planning, filming, editing and hiring actors, here we were at last. The
screening of I Will Survive!. After I Will Survive!, Henriette was sure she would make another
picture and another picture. You see, for this was her life. Nothing else. Just her, the cameras,
and those wonderful people out there in the dark.
All right.
Henriette was ready for her close-up.

I Will Survive! began with a prologue. There were subtitles, cross-fading, and faint Bollywood in
the background. Sadna (Henriette's character), was happily living in a large house, and her
niece Henriette (Lin's character) was there to visit. It was several years after Sadna's divorce
and Henriette was there to write a film about her.
55

(For the sake of clarity, Lin was acting as Henriette herself, whereas Henriette was acting as
Sadna. In order to avoid confusion, Lin's character from now on is referred to as
YoungHenriette)
YoungHenriette, in her research for the film, had some interesting questions for Sadna.

YES
YES IT HURT BOTH MY BODY AND SOUL IT HURT SOOOOOOO MUCH
The film already looked like a biting social commentary on life in the patriachal society of
Malaysia. Sadna was ready to relate her story to YoungHenriette, and the audience was treated
to a water droplet effect as the screen fades to black. The title card (I WILL SURVIVE!) came out
again, and with it was an extra line: MUSICAL. Another line: TWENTY YEARS AGO.

56

The camera began with a focused shot on a still portrait, zooming out to reveal it was a photo in
a frame right beside a bed, where Henriette was asleep. The portrait was a rather familiar
figure.

There were murmurs in the audience. People were noticing that Henriette was practically
admitting to sleeping with Sai Baba's face beside her bed every night. People from the law
faculty were less than surprised.
Henriette woke up, and the first thing she did was scratch her head. This would become a
common motif in I Will Survive!.
Loud Bollywood music played. Henriette started tapping her toes and

57

and she danced. She danced, and danced, and danced, in her bedroom, jiving and having the
time of her life. The audience watched the scene as she digged herself as a dancing queen. She
twisted and turned and took a broom and danced with it. She was dancing and dancing and
dancing. It was not ending.

58

And there I was sitting in the dark

watching a crazy movie my crazy classmate did
and there was a voice in my head and it was asking me questions

why are you here

how did you get into this mess
why are you watching this
why are you even in it you dumb shit
what's yiff
uh sorry i mean
what if
you weren't here
you could have been doing something else
you got a girl with you
what if you go do spontaneous shit like the young crazy fool you are
like i don't know suddenly drive to a beach in the middle of the night
surprise her
surprise us

59

Henriette threw the broom away and danced herself into the bathroom. People winced, but
fortunately all she did was grab a showerhead, sang into it while she continued dancing.

well here you are

watching a crazy person dance in a bedroom
watching her lip synch to a song
this is your life
this is your life now Rhino

60

She was just dancing she just won't stop dancing what is going on how long is this going to go
on is it already five minutes why

Rhino
your life is really fucking weird okay
it's not even weird like you are going out doing fun shit
it's weird like you are just consuming other people's eccentricities
and you are probably going to document this years later for Internet people to read
in between tasks at your desk job
what's yiff
oh for fuck's sake
what if
what if you actually set out to get some excitement in your life
what if you could be less stuck up
what if you were like
like
like a tiger

61

Rhino.
RHINO.
Ow! what was that for?
Dancing's over. Hey, why do you look so down? Are you okay?
I.
I think so.
My then-girlfriend looked bored out of her mind. I glanced at my watch. Fifteen minutes.
Fifteen minutes of dancing in a bedroom. The plot had yet to progress. I lied, there was not
even a plot yet. I looked up. Henriette was preparing herself to go see her suitor, Hinder.
We've only just begun.
62

The Bollywood Film 9: Je Veux Ton Revenge

Henriette's character, Sadna, was young, optimistic, spoilt, and a romantic. Her parents had
decided on two things: firstly, she should go to the United Kingdom to further her education
(the parallel with what we were in college for at that time was not lost on us); secondly, she
should court (and finally marry) Hinder, a rich young man who was more grounded and
practical. Henriette's parents had arranged for her to meet Hinder for their first real date, and
Hinder had to make a first good impression on Henriette.
Naturally, Hinder chose the cheap cafe right across the street from the college, and was so late
he never appeared until half an hour into I Will Survive! Spoilers: Hinder failed to woo
Henriette.
Henriette arrived at the cafe and ordered herself a roti for breakfast.

63

Naturally, Henriette recited the Gayathri Manthra as she ate.

In what of the rarer sparks of genius, it turned out this scene was set up to be her first
encounter with the person who would be her (ex-)husband, Shum. Shum was a lowly waiter
new to the establishment. Henriette spotted him, and left the cafe but not without leaving
behind her handkerchief and a ten dollar note for Shum.
Miss, you left your handkerchief and your change.
( )
I see you're new! Well, I ALWAYS leave a ten dollar note for my favourite waiters! And that
handkerchief is so dirty, just keep it then!
As for poor absent Hinder: fuck him, apparently.
The movie stopped.

64

Microsoft Powerpoint background of autumn leaves replaced the screen, but not before a quick
flash of Jake Long, American Dragon's desktop appearing (sans NOT GAY PORN, DO NOT
DELETE! folder).
Spotlights illuminated the stage. The audience whispered in confusion as Henriette and Shum
came onstage holding mics, and then MIDI music played and oh for crying out loud were they
singing the Phantom of the Opera? Again?
As the song went on it dawned on us that this was the MUSICAL part of I Will Survive!. It would
transpire that every time something vaguely interesting occurs onscreen, people were going to
come up onstage to sing and make dramatic representations of their feelings. So how does the
Phantom of the Opera speak for the first meeting between a spoilt rich brat and a poor cafe
waiter?
After the two finished singing, we were treated with scenes between Henriette and her
parents. Henriette's mother was displeased with Henriette's choice to not meet Hinder, but
remained positive.
Oh darling, you should give Hinder a chance. He's a really nice boy.
Nice boy. Yessssss nice boy okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. NICE BOY MUMMY NICE BOY. HE
IS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH A (AIR QUOTE) NIIIIIICE BOOOOOOOOOOY (AIR
UNQUOTE) OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY MOOOOOOMMMM NICE BOY. Yes. Nice boy.
OKAAAAAAAAYYYY HE IS YES A NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE BOY. Ugh. Boring nice boy. Ugh.
Sweetie, he's very hardworking and kind! And he's your father's business partner's son,
we knew him since he was a baby and
MUMMMMMY MARRIAGE IS SACRED ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL ME TO A NICE BOY
Henriette's father got wind of her encounter with Shum, and asked her to consider going to the
UK to gain some life experience before committing to some guy he had never met. Henriette's
father was meant to have a bad command in English, while Henriette was fluent in the
language.

65

Also in Malaysia most people speak in broken English, cannot teach you standard
language. Go to England, you can learn English like the England people.
In Malaysia cannot learn English is it? You want me to be like English people? Eat like
them? Wear their clothing? DRINK TEA LIKE THEM? Oh good morning! You want me
like that only satisfy okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
England is good for your exposure. So many people so poor have no chance like this.
Maybe cannot get out of Malaysia. You should
I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT
Girl calm do

66

DON'T WANT DON'T WANT DON'T WANT NOOOOOO NOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Both meetings ended with Henriette leaving the scene in a huff.
Hinder called Henriette to meet her at an upscale restaurant (in reality, another closeby cafe
with a slighly better decor) for an urgent meeting. When Henriette arrived with Lisa Lisa, Hinder
was waiting for Henriette with a bouquet of flowers.
Oh, this is for me. Hmph. Lisa Lisa, you two can have it.
WE LOVE FLOWERS (FLOWERS ARE PRETTY)
Henriette pulled the metal chair loudly on the tiled floor as she sat down and sulked.

67

Then she scratched her ridiculously long hair at Hinder.

Good god, did she scratch her hair all the bloody time in I Will Survive!. That, and her constant
usage of the elongated okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, was so prevalent in the whole thing we started
keeping count of the number of times she did it. It was like a very long commercial for antidandruff shampoo without showing us the product.
Maybe the moral of the film was that dandruff could cause you to be beaten up by your spouse.
HINDER. WAIT. Do not talk I want to tell you something. SAI BABA DO YOU KNOW how
exhausting and hectic it is okaaaaaaaaaaaaay? SADNA SADNA COME NOW it was so
annoying
Well, we have never met and I thought we could get to know each oth
AH SAI BABA YOU WERE TRYING TO GET ME ON A DATE YOU IDIOT BOY DO YOU KNOW
THE TRAFFIC JAM WAS SO AWFUL MY DRIVER WAS HONKING HONKING HONKING
EVERYWHERE OKAAAAAAAAY oh hello waiter. MAY. I. HAVE. A. REFRESHING. GLASS. OF.
ORANGE. JUICE.
I'll just have some plain water please. Thanks.
So Henriette scratched her hair at Hinder for the whole date. Young romance!
Autumn leaves appeared again. I still recall a girl yelling, they are singing again! when the
leaves came up. Since that seem rather benign, I have taken the liberty to illustrate a more
appropriate placeholder for the on-stage performances:

68

Henriette, Shum and Hinder did an elaborate Bollywood song and dance routine depicting a
love triangle. Nothing much to say about the dance, other than it being overly dramatic and
also almost fifteen minutes in length.
The dance ended and we were shown a quick sequence depicting Henriette planning to elope
with Shum. Wow, Hinder must have been a real shit date. The plans apparently involved
Henriette making signs in the air and Shum looking as confused as the audience. Then,

69

The audience groaned.

Lisa Lisa came onstage to sing a Taiwanese emo pop song. What the fuck?
In the dark I could see a figure walking among the seated audience. It was Lin, who looked
distressed and even worse, pacing towards me.
What's wrong?
Henriette asked if you could come backstage for a moment. CD 2 is supposed to begin
soon but we haven't finished the exporting.
The screen was showing Henriette eloping with Shum.

70

We are going to have someone sing after CD 1 ends so people won't know the delay.
Don't worry, there're still about fifteen minutes left!

The film stopped.

71

The video pixelated.

Faces of actors melted into each other.

Chatter in the background cut off abruptly.

A loud hiss dominated the hall, ending with a quick, sharp screech.

Finally CD 1 of I Will Survive! went, fuck this shit forever, and dissolved into a matter of brightlycoloured boxes. The screen kicked back to Jake Long, American Dragon's desktop with a
message box stating proudly FILE CORRUPTED.

Never mind, I'll get them to sing now.

72

The Bollywood Film Interlude: Technical Notes on I Will Survive!

Scripting
All the dialogue were improvised or close to it. At least, I don't want to believe Henriette sat
down, wrote the NICE BOY and REFRESHING GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE dialogue, read it over and
nodded saying, this is a good movie.
Presumably, Henriette had all her dialogue in her head. However, without a script or storyboard
(presumably) and with nobody to actually read through them, the whole film appeared to
suffer from a lack of pacing, theme, tone, or even good writing in general. This was
compounded by the fact that more often than not (as shown in my case) we were not told
what she was going to say, so actors/actresses often react with genuine surprise or confusion to
her lines.
I Will Survive! was all about telling a story without the storytelling.
Camerawork
As mentioned earlier, the camera was a flimsy little camcorder on a stand. Based on my acting
experience in the show, we all had to pause mid-speech and mid-action in order for a Thespian
Society member to shift it around. There was no storyboard so there was no telling when the
shifting happened - it all relied on when Henriette yelled Cut!
One scene I recall is the ORANGE JUICE scene. Everytime Hinder was speaking and the focus
was on him, the camera would be placed behind Henriette just slightly beyond her right
shoulder. This meant that a large portion of the frame was the back of Henriette's head
(showing us her beautiful hair, which she scratched oh so often), with Hinder occupying maybe
30%. When Henriette spoke, it was vice versa.
Editing
I am inclined to believe that every single film that Henriette recorded which did not have a
mistake was in I Will Survive!. There were boring long scenes of people opening the door and
closing the door, sitting down and standing up, walking down hallways of nothing and so on and
so forth. This likely was due to a lack of both script and storyboard, and it made simple scenes
which I have described so quickly in the previous entry LONG AS FUCK for no good reason. The
ORANGE JUICE scene went on for ages because it needed to feature Henriette coming to the
73

restaurant in her car, walking to the restaurant, the waiter walking to the door, the waiter
opening (then closing) the door, Henriette walking to her seat, Henriette pulling her seat,
Henriette sitting down, Henriette scratching her head, EVERYTHING without any dialogue and
just filler.
Special Effects
Although Henriette seemingly used an Adobe product to splice and edit the film, the
transitions, title cards and other effects all looked like they came from Microsoft Movie Maker.
When Shum and Henriette first met a big spun around the screen.
Sound
Sound was recorded off the little mic in the Panasonic camcorder i.e. asking for trouble. As
expected, all background sound was recorded, which made the cafe and restaurant scenes
especially grating. Even worse was the fact that Henriette kept pulling her chair across the floor
so we could hear every fingernails-on-blackboard sound.
Any scene filmed outdoors had the sound of wind blowing and traffic noises to stop us from
hearing the actors speak. Henriette was, however, good enough to provide subtitles so we can
read every terrible line.

74

The Bollywood Film 10: I have no problem calling bullshit on 'otherkin'

that I think are indeed bullshit, or treat it like some sort of game. As a
dragon I feel that I was not any better or more advanced than any
normal animal beyond maybe being clever.
The crowd in the hall has decreased to two thirds its original size. The head of the college has
already left in the first half hour of the I Will Survive!, wisely, leaving the poor law faculty dean
to sit awkwardly in the middle of the front row.
The guy playing Henriette's father got onstage to sing another Taiwanese pop song for cover.
Fortunately, he was not half bad. Meanwhile, I followed Lin backstage to find out what the fuck.
RHINOOOOOOOOOOOOO THANK SAI BABA YOU ARE HERE! This video exporting still
needs another five hours!
I took a look at Lin's laptop. I can't quite recall the details, but I found out that the exporting
time in fact referred to the combination of the time required for the creation of the video, and
that required for the rearrangement of the video to a format for a VCD. The laptop was also on
battery, which made the process longer (I think?).
Whatever it was, I plugged the computer to a power source and reduced the time to a nice ten
minutes, so Henriette's father had to sing approximately just two more songs.
The filesize is massive at about 5 GB. We need to hook up Lin's laptop.
SAI BABA IS GREAT
JAKE LOOOOOOOOOOONG, AMERICAN DRAGON! Can you help Rhino get your
computer off the projector?
Wooah ha ha! No need for him I can do
Sure! Coming!

OH MY GOD
75

Oh! I saw there was a file named porn and deleted it. It was on the screen and the
Head of college was there, so.
But but but but but I titled it not gay porn and I wrote do not delete and and and
Oh Sai Baba you silly boy! Why did you do such a stupid thing! Is it personal by the w
YES IT WAS
Don't you worry, Jake Long, American Dragon! Rhino here is a computer expert, he'll
just get it back!
What who me um yes! I got the programme to. Recover files. Like, uh, pictures. And
files.
I saw him doing it for Harold once when he accidentally formatted his camera. It was
amazing! We could see all of Harold's old pictures!

76

you could see all?

Yes! We'll be able to see everything!
Yes.
Yes we will be able to see everything that got deleted.
Every single thing.

JAKE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG, AMERICAN DRAGON Why are you taking your laptop
away? Where are you going? Rhino could have... oh, why is this boy so emotional?

77

The Bollywood Film 11: She Felt the Abyss of Disenchantment

The Thespian Society member on the stage has sung about two songs, and the remaining
audience was starting to have doubts about the show. I Will Survive! was only half way in, and
and people were not heavily invested in the story of Sadna, since, thanks to a general lack of
foreshadowing save youngHenriette's intro, everyone's idea of Sadna was a spoilt little brat
who had parents way too forgiving and patient.
Lin's desktop appeared on the screen. Windows Media Player popped up, and everyone sat
back, absolutely excited to see what kind of shenanigans Henriette was going to get into.

It was a new scene of Henriette seducing Shum. From the way they spoke they appeared to not
have eloped yet or even planned for that. Was there some kind of editing error?

78

Of course. It was edited that way to allow for yet another singing sequence. GOD. Henriette
appeared on stage to sing John Lennon's Imagine.
My old notes described this performance: Since Henriette had no perception of the term
over-exertion, it was no better than the many, many times we listen to her yelling Phantom
of the Opera. If Henriette were to sing Billie Holliday, it would sound just like Mariah Carey
suffering from a severe case of hernia.
The song ended and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. There was a quick sequence of
Henriette and Shum going through a simple marriage ceremony in a Hindu temple. At least
Henriette found some actual filming locations that was not Sadna's house, college grounds
or cafes near the college. Then,

79

People left.
We were then treated to a scene of Henriette lazing around in a large house, presumably the
one that she would later ask for half of in court at a much later date. Henriette's voiceover
informed the audience that it was the 1980s, and Shum had managed to scrounge up enough
money to turn from a simple waiter to become the owner of a large company (company
business: unknown) listed on the Kuala Lumpur stock exchange. They were also blessed with a
son in their marriage, and we were shown Henriette grooming a young Indian boy, presumably
the one that would later grow up to be Jake Long, American Dragon. Henriette was a housewife
and spent her time twiddling her toes at home. Things appeared to be doing rather well.
BUT THE PERFECT LIFE WOULD SOON COME TO AN ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
The scene shifted to a swimming pool It's that scene! The pool scene! Henriette was going to
get thrown into the pool! The law faculty did an audible cheer and everyone high-fived each
80

other.
Shum was sitting beside the pool relaxing and reading the papers. Henriette walked over to
him, pouting.
Until when you want to give me the silent treatment?
My choice when I wanna talk to you!
I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

81

FUCK YEAH
Henriette was helped out of the pool by a young girl who was identified as the house maid.
Boo!
Henriette's voiceover continued to tell us how terrible married life was.
She was sitting in a chair beside a coffee table, and Shum walked over to sit beside her. This
would lead to one of the most awkward conversations in I Will Survive!, and fortunately I had
taken the time to transcribe this.
You know the company, the shares and all? I think it is best we sell it off!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
82

I mean, it's kind of a hassle really... the workers aren't working very well... I think if
we sell it, we can play in the stockmarket. We can definitely become more rich. And
you don't have to come into the office all the time. You don't have to work yourself
off!
That's just your excuse! You are going to sell off the business because of young
gambling habit! HELLOOOOO!? IT IS A VERY BAD HABIT YOU KNOW! GAMBLING! IT IS
A BAD BAD HABIT! Wait until when will you learn your lesson???
Well it's my business, I decide what to do with it, I wanna sell the share I will sell them!
THE BUSINESS IS REGISTERED IN BOTH OUR NAMES YOU MORON
Oh. Right.
Why can't you be thankful? Thankful! Be thankful! We have a happy family! We have
a son! Bhagavan gave all of these to us do you know OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?
OH MY GOD. Stop that Bhagavan talk! You think Bhagavan gave you this house? You
think Bhagavan gave you that table over here? I BOUGHT THAT TABLE OKAAAAAY

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ALL OF THESE ARE DUE TO BHAGAVAN'S GRACE WITHOUT BHAGAVAN WE WOULD

NOT BE HERE OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
THE BUSINESS IS MINE I BOUGHT YOU THIS TABLE AND THIS HOUSE AND I WILL RUN IT
LIKE THE WAY I LIKE IT OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
So, I Will Survive! has taught us that stock trading and investing in shares are just different
forms of gambling and Bhagavan was totally not cool with that. Bhagavan just wanted us to be
thankful for our coffee tables. Instead of a lesson on the culture of greed during the 80s, we
were given a talk on deities in the Hindu religion. Very educational, okay. I wonder what else we
would learn?

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HOLY BALLS
Fortunately Henriette managed to lock herself in the bedroom and we were spared from
watching Shum beating her up. Bloody hell! All this for a fucking table!
Hold on a second. He was going to beat her up with a cheap plastic stool. One of those flimsy
ones that would break if anyone heavier than 90kg sat on it. That did not seem like a very useful
weapon.
(Here one of my coursemates remarked, Shum went to the mall and found it at the Spousal
Abuse section, and it was on discount so he might as well get it then, quality be damned.)
And life was terrible, said Henriette's voiceover. It was awful to be a woman in a family with
such abuse, oh how she wanted to get out of it but she just could not and
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Henriette came on stage. Familiar MIDI music played. Someone screamed.

Oh. No. No no no NO NO SHE IS GOING TO SING THAT SONG AGAIN AAAAAHH
HRGLBKGL

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More people left.

The song finally ended, and Henriette left the stage. The hall darkened again, and whatever
people left were either there out of curiosity or have fallen asleep. It had been a gruelling two
hours and the end did not seem to be at sight. Most of the law faculty were still around, eager
to see what other kind of nonsense may appear. Fingers were crossed that another pool scene
may occur.

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Seriously now? Are you kiddin

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Oh.

Henriette returned to the stage.

Oh my god I am so, so sorry about this. We experienced... unavoidable technical failure.
Someone in the audience snorted.
It was close to midnight. A majority of the law faculty students, including Henriette herself, had
an 8am class the next morning. People wanted to watch the show or just leave. What was
Henriette trying to pull this time?
We will continue I Will Survive! through stage musical performances.

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Everyone stood up and left.

Henriette did not turn up for the 8am class.

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The Bollywood Film 12: Redemption Island

After I Will Survive! went down like a sack of bricks, life was soon back to normal for the rest of
us, other than a distinctive lack of Henriette. Henriette had been missing classes ever since the
disastrous showing of I Will Survive!, and nobody seemed to be aware of what was going on.
Even Lisa Lisa and Lin were clueless as to Henriette's condition - they knew she had locked
herself up at home, but she was not responding to messages and phone calls.
People started speculating if Henriette was going to lose her memory again. It seemed like the
easiest way out, and we all knew how well that ended for her the last time she did it.
One night, I was just at home working on an assignment when my phone rang.
It was Henriette.
Rhino, could you help with the projectors?
It turned out that the Head of the college found out what had transpired, and somehow, only
got the part that the showing was a disaster because of the unavoidable technical failure and
not the fact that I Will Survive! itself was not a very good movie in the first place. They had,
surprisingly, gave her a second chance to show the movie again.
The second screening of I Will Survive! would be free. The college Head also spoke to the
English Language Improvement Department, which set up a programme to help both local and
foreign students with their English (since most of us was supposed to further our studies in an
English-speaking country).
The Department was going to use I Will Survive! as an educational film to improve their
language. Judging from what little we had seen of the movie's dialogue... yeah, improving was
not very likely to happen any time soon.
And it was compulsory for the students under the programme to attend the second screening.
God, poor kids.
None of the law faculty was interested in I Will Survive!. Even my then-girlfriend objected to
attending the viewing. I will break up with you right NOW if you make me watch it, she said.
Spoilers: we did break up a year or so later for reasons totally unrelated to Henriette.

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Second screening night, I arrived to see Wale at the projectors. Shall I say that his voice was
deep; hollow; gelatinous; remote; unearthly; inhuman; disembodied.
You were right.
About what?
Some things... some things are not meant for Man to know.
YOU FUCKING IDIOT
I set up the projectors with Wale, then wandered around backstage. Speaking to a few Thespian
Society members, I was informed that Jake Long, American Dragon had apparently quit the
society. Nobody really knew why except that Henriette may have accidentally deleted his
pornography stash. Oh, the less you know, the longer you would live.
Lisa Lisa and the girls were looking rather distressed. I walked over to ask what was up.
Henriette wants us to a group performance and she only told us today! And we haven't
even memorised the lyrics! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO RHINO WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DOOOOOOO
I took a look at the printed lyrics they were reading.

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Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. They were going to sing I Will Survive! They were really going to be rather
disco! Very Gloria Gaynor! It was going to be a Glorious Tsunami of Domestic Violence & Disco!
Unfortunately they were still going to sing Bollywood songs and not do Saturday Night Fever.
Henriette!
The second screening was a lot more systematic than the first. People arrived early, mostly
students from Africa and East Asia, and they were made to sign an attendance sheet. A
separate sheet was prepared for them to sign at the end of the show to evidence that they
watched the whole thing. God, poor kids.
The show started with Henriette's introduction of dancing in the bedroom for fifteen minutes. I
quietly disappeared, and joined the then-girlfriend for dinner.
We talked about school and future plans. We were leaving for the UK in maybe six to nine
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months' time, and finals was going to start next semester. The whole experience was going to
be life-changing and we knew it. We were going to finish our legal academic career different
persons with greater exposure, and our worldview were likely to never be the same as before.
We were going to either practise or join some company doing something completely different.
Life was going to be crazy in the UK and it will be a different brand of crazy when we started
working. Or our lives may become dull, and we would end up as dull people leading dull lives,
talking about new legal developments during parties after work, then going home to watch
horrible movies on the telly.
Speaking of horrible movies, how long has it been since I left the screening?
I ran back to the hall. Wale had the looks of a soul calloused and seared, and a hardened eye
which sometimes glanced with a kind of hideous and calculating appraisal at men of especially
sensitive brain and especially vigorous physique. Towards the last I became acutely afraid of
Wale, for he began to look at me that way.
The last thing I watched previously was Shum threatening to beat up Henriette. While chatting
to the then-girlfriend, I missed a scene where Henriette discovered Shum flirting with his
secretary. Apparently, after Henriette yelled at him a little, Shum really did start beating
Henriette. The description I was given was Henriette curling up into a ball on the floor while
Shum fake-punched her, which did not seem to reach the dramatic calibre of the rest of I Will
Survive!. I have thus attempted an illustration of the scene as Murderbrawl XXXVIII.

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Henriette decided to make a police report. As you may recall, Henriette's police report did not
go so well and she just went ballistic at them because the police hates women did you know
that.

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CD 3 then started. To be honest, CD 3 was fairly rushed, and things proceeded way faster than
the story appeared to deserve. Amazingly, there were no song/performance sequences for CD
3.
Finally, Henriette decided to divorce Shum, and now lived in a shabby little apartment. Jake
Long, American Dragon had a very, very small scene of not understanding why Henriette was
making her life miserable which honestly did not make sense at all.
LOOK AT THIS MESS WHY DO YOU STAY LIKE THIS
I WAS IN HELL WITH YOUR FATHER NOBODY COULD SAVE ME SO I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF
OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
A transition then brought up back to the present, where Sadna was talking to youngHenriette.
She was reaching the part where the lawyers turned up to ruin her life. Her first lawyer (Shawn)
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was trying to con her for her money, and Shum's lawyer (OH GOD ME) was a gigantic asshole.
Some lawyers are good and some lawyers... are bad. Bad Lawyers cheat poor people's
money. Don't be a bad lawyer, Henriette! Good Lawyers are good and will always help
women. Bad Lawyers hate women.
What a lovely lesson on feminism! Back to the past, Henriette's voiceover informed us that Bad
Lawyers have no conscience and were always cheating poor people's money.
Then it was the scene of me and Shawn trying to negotiate by milking Henriette's money and
being general shitheads and oh god why did she leave this in the film we were fucking up all our
lines! Henriette!
Well $100 a month is not going to cut it. Be realistic, man.
She doesn't even contribute anything to the family or the business, $100 is pretty
generous.
Listen, lawyer to lawyer your case will never go forward in court. Your client beat up
mine. How about $4 million in a lump sum?
Ngghhhhhhh I have forgotten my script uhhhhhh? $1 million.
Dude what in fuck are you doing, it's supposed to end with $100K! $3.5 million.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Ok this is stupid. I'm not going to go anything
beyond HOW DO I SAVE THIS $100K and nothing, there's that!
HA HA HA HA HA OH MY GOD YOU STUPID DUMBASS Yep, that sounds like a good
settlement!

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HENRIETTE!
Henriette had a scene of yelling at Shawn for being a Bad Lawyer, then storming off to meet
Hinder. Hinder had hung up in his office a poster of an organisation to protect women from
domestic violence to show off his Good Lawyer credentials. Naturally, Henriette hired Hinder as
her lawyer, although strangely there were no dialogue acknowledging that Hinder was her
previous suitor.
Then it came to the climatic sequence of the court scene. It was... strangely short, and did not
go much beyond what I have previously described. Generally, Henriette appeared in court and I
asked her a bunch of terribly unfair questions (because I was a Bad Lawyer), and Henriette
freaked the fuck out for god knows why. Shum made up some shit to say that Henriette was
conducting nocturnal activities, which the court rejected. Shum verbally threatened Henriette
outside court or something. Who gave a shit, the show was ending and everyone wanted to go
home.
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Ultimately:

THE END. Hell yes.

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FUCK. Of course she had to have one performance. MIDI music played and oh hot damn!
DISCO FEVER

I had transcribed this final performance as such in my old livejournal post, which I quote
verbatim other than Henriette's name and an added illustration:
It was immediately apparent, when everyone but Henriette sang their part, that the
performance was a thinly-disguised one-woman show. Most of the girls were not great in
the vocal department and sounded flat. Henriette, with her high vocal range, upstaged all
of them by going as high-pitched as possible. It was as if Henriette was doing Gaynor in a
concentration camp while everyone else was singing the Cake version.
She insisted in doing a stylistic change: instead of Gaynor's simple I will survive, hey
hey!, she added several yais (as in pie), and it became Ai-yai-yAI-YAI WILL SURVIVE!
Everyone but Henriette sounded embarrassed to sing the yai-yAI-YAI part.

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One of the singers asked for all of them to be exempted from the singing. Henriette
refused, informing her that the group performance was to symbolize the movie was
a group effort and not a one-woman show.
The audience stayed put until they heard the girls sing. Some of them left. Then Henriette
started to sing the yai-yAI-YAI part, which was when EVERYONE left (other than a group
of Middle Eastern guys who couldn't stop laughing). A small group of Nigerians ran out of
the hall, including one guy who yelled, I won't survive, eeeeee! I must hide before my
spleen bursts!
THIS SONG IS FOR ALL THE WOMEN! Henriette screeched into the microphone. A group
of Korean girls sitting in the front row stood up to leave. SING WITH US! Henriette
reached her hand to them. I was too far away to see their expressions, but the girls, in
response to Henriette's sudden invasion of proximity, huddled to each other and exited the
hall quickly.
Almost everyone was gone by now. Most of the singing crew just stood on stage, having
neither energy nor enthusiasm to join in the crazy. Ai-yai-yAI-YAI WILL SURVIVE!
Henriette was still singing. The Middle Eastern guys left and only Thespian Society
members remained in the hall.

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TL;DR version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7HYYKEbfLk

I left the hall.
The stars were bright. Everything was calm. It was midnight, and the sounds of yai yai will
survive rang fainter and fainter as I walked further away. There was nobody around save groups
of foreign students running away screaming. My then-girlfriend was sitting in my car, reading
an airport novel with the radio on.
I tapped on the window.
Show's over?
Yeah.

Hey, wanna go to the beach?

The what? At this time? Are you crazy?
Yes.

We went to the beach and it was great.

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Finale
It was the last week of college. Within a couple of months, most of us would be on a flight to
the UK to further our education and have our lives changed. People were sharing plans,
exchanging contacts and making little vows to keep in touch. Some were making mementos of
their time in the college. One of these persons was Gin.
Gin had just gotten a digital camera, and was running around visiting coursemates to record
short videos. We were allowed to do anything and said anything we wanted. Some gave him
messages of encouragement, some talking about their experiences in college, a group of girls
sang to the camera, a guy mooned it - you know the drill.
We were in the cafe featured in I Will Survive!. Gin was going to do Henriette's video, and I
tagged along because he just did mine and I did not have much else to do.
Henriette turned up, late like a diva, and Gin hit record.
So, what do I do?
Gin told me to do anything I wanted when he did mine.
Yep, just do anything. Dance or sing, anything.
Well, I just want to say, I had a really good time in my two years here in the college. It
was a great stepping stone for me artistically, and I am so ready to enter the acting
world! I might even direct, it was such a good thing I did I Will Survive!.
So, tell us about I Will Survive!.
It's a show about the triumph of woman against the abuses thrown against her by men!
You can buy a DVD at MYR 15.00 and it's full of special features.
The DVD... like I said, I bought it as one of those terrible movies to show off at drunk parties
(and stupidly lost it later). The special features are the following:

All the musical performances including the two separate ones of The Phantom of the
Opera;
Bloopers, where the film apparently was even worse than that appearing onscreen.
Most of them were just people laughing when they flub their lines and not terribly
exciting;
An almost half hour-long Special Thanks video of Henriette speaking to the camera
about how Sadna told her the story and left her in tears, with a long message of
gratitude to her grandmother; and

103

A short 5 minute special on Sai Baba's teachings with contact info for temples and
praying centres.

Those of us who watched the DVD were just thankful there was no director's commentary
mode because nobody wanted to watch the film more than once. Except me, because I was
apparently that crazy/drunk. I showed that to some housemates in UK and we were forced to
skip ahead almost all the stage performances because they were so bad.
...and I have decided to expand beyond Malaysia!
Expand? Like where?
I have delivered copies of I Will Survive! to movie executives in Hollywood and Hong
Kong, and am awaiting them to pick up the distribution of the film. Maybe it will show in
some independent film festivals!
Of course. I mean, wow, congrats! Definitely looking forward to that!
The two years in the college had been pretty good for me. It was my first long-term
independence. I made a ton of friends, set down my networking groundwork, learnt to
appreciate the realistic aspects of the legal career, fell out of love, fell in love, got drunk, learnt
to get people drunk instead. Even better, I learnt how to deal with... interesting people in a
stressful environment and coping with borderline extreme conditions.
Anything you want to say? Future plans in the UK, maybe?
Oh yes! But not just in the UK. I meant to do it earlier and I would have skipped the
finals, but I'm going to do it after our results are out! I may delay my plans to UK just for
this, because it is so important to me.
And what was this?
I am going to India! My first time too! But, oh, it is destiny that I should go there!
Very exotic! For a holiday?
Oh no!

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I'm going to India to marry Sai Baba!

OH I AM RUNNING OUT OF SPACE

I WILL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW GOODBYE
There's no class anym
SHUT UP WE ARE GOING NOW
GOOD BYE HENRIETTE
BYE

Finale: Ask me about having studied law with a girl who thinks she's
marrying Sai Baba
THE END
105

Ending Notes
And that's all folks! Most of the law faculty (including myself) never came into contact with
Henriette after our academic career in Malaysia, and any information we had of her were
gleaned from online social sites and so on. I originally just planned for a couple of entries but
this went way longer and crazier than I thought, and I found out I could actually draw really
terribly with a finger on an increasingly smudged iPad.
Did Henriette marry Sai Baba? We don't know, except he would always be in her heart.
Thank you to everyone in the A/T thread Ask me about growing up with a girl who thinks she's
married to anime guys for all for your positive comments and not doing internet detective shit
on the stories, thanks for all the ridiculous and crazy stories on your (probably no longer)
friends, and last but not the least, thanks to uglynoodles and la_fausse_tortue for sharing with
us the Denise stories and inspiring me to dig up my Henriette stories.
As Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba says, The tree can teach you forbearance and tolerance. It
offers shade to all, irrespective of age, sex or religion, nationality or status. It helps with fruit
and shade even to the foe who lays his axe on its trunk! The dog can teach you a lesson in Faith,
Self-less service and the process of Dedication.
May we meet more crazy people in the future!

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Love in thought is truth.

Love in action is right conduct.
Love is understanding, is peace.
Love in feeling is non-violence.
Love is a bridge over the sea of change.
Do not build a house on it.

107