Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Issue #490
July 2015
Our son can ride the Space Mountain roller coaster in Disneyland, he can ride the Beast
roller coaster at Six Flags and can play a real par 3 golf course but cant play miniature golf at
Par King. Thanks for disappointing kids everywhere.
Par-King replied with a stock response saying that this rule was put in place for insurance reasons. How
corny. Notice also that I say the reply was from the golf course itselfnot from a person employed by it. Like
other large businesses, its a faceless enterprise capable of producing nothing more than robotic responses.
A would-be Par-King customer on another review site said they drove for miles only to discover the
course was closed because some Really Important People had rented the place. Another said, Hope they go out
of business so reasonable owners and management would take over. Regarding the height requirement, another
mockingly opined, This must be one dangerous miniature golf course. Still another declared, Ive never seen
more little children cry at a miniature golf course than I have at this place. This has reportedly been going on
since at least 1975! 1975!!!
If my brain could crap its pants at being treated so shabbily at Par-King, it would have.
Our 97 Chicago trip was also when we saw Sun Myung Moon and his bodyguards in an elevator. At least
we think it was Sun Myung Moon. A family member agreed. But this isnt absolutely confirmed, unlike my
confirmed sighting of the equally right-wing Westbozo entourage at Occupy the Super Bowl in Indianapolis in
2012. I captured this photo of the Westboroists (with bystanders faces fuzzed out)...
Another photo...
I also noticed that Westboro was protesting against Occupy more so than the Super Bowlwhich shows
how influential Occupy can be when it wants to. Occupy in 2012 was better than the wussified mess it is today
that doesnt fight for anything. Now theyre too chicken to fight.
As for Par-King, that facility gave off a strong, fart-like whiff of elitism. Par-King was a bit like a snooty
record shop in Connecticut that I read about that refused to stock angry records. I dont think Par-King actually
uses the height requirement as a measure of safety. I think they try using it as an indicator of maturitywhich is
much more subjective. I know families in which the childrenwho are no older than preschool agebehave in a
much more mature manner than the parents. I know many adults who are greedy, wasteful, and obnoxious (as my
5th grade teacher would say). They make real spectacles of themselves (as my 5 th grade teacher would also say). In
the topsy-turvy world of the minigolf monarch, that seems to be acceptable.
Since a miniature golf course bans 6-year-olds, maybe Big Bone Lick State Park should require everyone
to have their butt amputated before visiting. It makes about as much sensei.e., none.
As many of you know, Big Bone is a nice little park not far from here in northern Kentucky. It calls itself
the birthplace of American paleontology. Im not sure what that means. I remember once in 5 th grade, some
really smart kid said they wanted to become a paleontologist, but I never really looked into what that meant.
But Id say it was probably around 2 nd grade when a really cool kid did something really cool. We went on
a school field trip to Big Bone, and this really cool kid wiped his ass with poison ivy.
I know this, because that really cool kid was me. Right when we got to Big Bone, I had to desperately
drop a deuce. So a teacher recommended that I go in the woods.
However, the woods was out of toilet paper. But I detected a small, green plant among the vegetation. It
wasnt Gatewood Galbraiths favorite herb. Rather, it was poison ivy!
Now, I knew I wasnt allergic to poison ivy, so I scooped up a handful of the leaves and started goin to
town. When I was done, I simply deposited the feces-caked leaves on the groundlike other animals who
peopled the park (and other people who animaled the park).
I was worried that the poison ivy leaves didnt adequately do the job. I carted around a few extra leaves in
my underpants just in case. And, for the rest of the day, I had to be careful when I sat down. I sat at sort of an
angle. Like most other cool people, I didnt want poo traveling into my drawers. Sometime later, when my mom
did the laundry, she angrily asked me why there were leaves in my underwear. But at least I avoided the far more
embarrassing specter of poopy trousers. Best all, I never suffered a reaction from the ivy.
Soiling oneself loomed large in those days. Im pretty sure it was also in 2 nd grade that the teacher
seemingly out of the clear blueasked a student, Did you pee your pants? This question remains unanswered
after 35 years. Maybe a paleontologist will someday figure it out.
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