a o 5 x oS H = *=ONSU! pV PU a |MAD MAGAZINE PRESENTS... “UP THE ACADEMY” Seo & A MARVIN WORTH/DANTON RISSNER Production » “UP THE ACADEMY” Produced by MARVIN WORTH and DANTON RISSNER + Written by TOM PATCHETT & JAY TARSES Executive Producer BERNIE BRILLSTEIN * Directed by ROBERT DOWNEY + PANAVISION®NUMBER 217 SEPTEMBER 1980 VITAL FEATURES “CRYMORE VS. CRYMORE" (AMAD Movie “One thing modern science can't seem to get the bugs out fis fresh paint Satire) Alfred E, Neuman Pg. 4 WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production: VERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors TACK ALBERT eu'suts GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLE, HORROR DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions MOVIES CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS BASED the usual gare of iaiots ‘ON. EVERYDAY DISASTERS, DEPARTMENTS Pg 18 ANTHEM IS AS ANTHEM DOES DEPARTMENT MAD's Up-dated Do-It-Yourself "America The Beautiful”. ....12 BENT OFFERINGS DEPARTMENT More Legendary Wire Hangers : 30 Bana BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT THE The Lighter Side Of Inflation . ae 22 uesnee BLOWING THEIR COVERAGE DEPARTMENT ‘OF Examples of Celebrities’ High-Value Insurance Policies ar INFLATION CUSTODY’S LAST STAND DEPARTMENT Pg. 22 “Crymore Vs. Crymore” (A MAD Movie Satire) 4 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ‘One Fine Day In Prehistoric Times 7 One Fine Day In The Middle Ages 82 Ine Fine Day Only About Two Weeks Ago LEARN ALL One Fine Day Only About Two Weeks Ago .....-. 142 Leal FEET ACOMPLI DEPARTMENT GAME WITH ‘The MAD Soccer Primer 33 “THE MAD SOCCER GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY DREAD DEPARTMENT pone Horror Movies Based On Everyday Disasters 18 Peas HE'S A GARNER! DEPARTMENT “The Crockford Files (A MAD TV Show Satire) 43 LETTERS DEPARTHENT : Fandom camping Of Reader Mall... eats MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTIENT Loon at Mirena rane iy Angee fel Pte. clatt sienna” opPosires DETRACT DEPARTMENT soto She MAD They" Andou" Book. “4 ASEESIO., AETAL-ELATION DEPARTMENT Poe Bust Oneo. Woulent You Like To...? 40 ROCKIN’ THE ROLLERS DEPARTMENT 'AMAD Look At Skating... 36 **Various Places Around The Magazine ariel ‘ROCKFORD FILES” Ap 50 ozs 80) ig ptines mony except Farry, May, gat and Novo ee EG. Pubiteations, Ine. 488. "Avende, New York, NY. 10022. Second Claes Postage TV Show Fest ated Samer wanes cman sie gery ni, Satire) St adaiot to Seton fects ang insted me Ps. 43WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! -~ use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022, Venclose $12.00*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me ‘the next 16 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME, ADDRESS Res Tea aS SITING REMARKS ABOUT COVER In pet o yur Jone 1980 cove, ax oun MAD ey Seto Fort Aired tas ad topper LEFT ncer toed liaap. ov cone hs bites Siple ge the tmprine swing up SERGE ite sues’ Mey Ton hd somthing wo dow fo Tugene V. Mamsor, DDS To Anelen Calorie —4 = Bad Bite, Lasting Impression Your apple cover is inaccurate to the core! ‘The imprint on the apple is if Correct because AIE is missing only his Upper left front tooth, not his bottom tooth 0, So the channel of apple con: taining the worm is twice as long as it should be. Matk Giordano Dobbs Ferry, NY. A.CROCK O’BLIP NOW ‘The minute I flipped open the cover and saw your "A Creck O° Blip Now" 1 knew Thad co get it! More Drucker is a ‘genius and it scems he has been drawing for you forever. Amazing how his minor, supporting characters are. identifiable, even if you don't know their names. Of course, in “Apocalypse,” everyone was a minor eharactr, ‘Tohaay Mylar Sen Rafael, Cali Mr. Latey Siege! and Mr, More Drucker are to be commended for boning Francis Ford Coppola's strange fish of a film. And, MAD meriss praise, 100, for not sidestepping such a complex sercen rigor. Brian Boru O'Donnell Dublia, Ireland Siegel and Drucker did one (BLIP) of a job! Stephen B, Dobranski Lansdale, Pennsylvania SNAPPY ANSWERS JOGGING INCIDENT 1 heartily applaud Al Jaffee’s "Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions” as regular Sequences in MAD. His "Jopsing In cident” i a delightful “running gag,’ and the punchline, “Better you should be a SWIMMER!", may go into perpetuity with MAD fans. Sheryle Dickerson Jamaica, New York MAO'S “TV GUIDE” TExTBOOK 1 especially enjoyed “MAD's “TV Gide’ Textbook however I beg ro diter with your face in “I LOVE LIZZY" une der the “Social Seudies” ection. Hizabeth ‘was wor the offapring of Henry VII and His firs wile Catherine of Aragon, She ves the offspring of Heny Vill and Anne Boleyn, his second wife, who was also the first of his wives co meet with the sharp end of an axe. If we are going to teach History, we mst be correct in our fac! Bonita C. Yarboro Brooklya, New York Wooulbridge and Silverstone apparent ly flunked “Literature” and “Language” Ieeook Ouysscs twenty years to get homme, sot teal And, Middle English, aoe Old English, isspoken in Canterbury Tales! “Amanda Du Bot Hivertord, Pe IF wo knew history, we would hove s Gesled 0 "TV Guide Textbook'I-Ed. “The programs in the "MAD TV Guide’ were a Tor more teresting than the shows inthereal TV Guide! Joc Eeonieo Hempreead, N.Y MORE MAD ESP? Another case of MAD ESP! 1 noticed that among the list of new shows in TV Guide, there's a new CBS show, "Carlton, Your Doorinaa,” Well, back in MAD #206, in Tom Koch’ stile “TV Spin off Yet To. Come,” was an impecbable spinoff called "Carlton" Koch satel it {or CBs, Monday, 11:30 P.M, 90 be bad the time wrong Jon Blaine I Mesa, Arizona Sounds like on appropriate timeslot to vil S LIGHTER SIDE OF THE IDIOT BOX Concerning Dave Bers “The Ligher Side OF The idioe Box”. sight oot Its High time chat someone’ did such a thorough exposé on Americ’ most ob scene obsession. Hopefully, you've mot vated more people to he porsuie of more ewatding “vies” such a8 sex, msi, and MAD Magazine! -P. Thomas Travis AFB, Calif, ANOTHER FOLDAN FAKEOUT 1 read with great glee your "MAD Fold-In" for June 80! After reading the text above the picture, “There are many things om this earth that never should hhave come into being in che fist place ‘One such hing is with us now, and any. fone who fas eome into contact wich Topes it will soon disappear «= Tamast admit chat Iwas surprised to see 4 Susan B."Anchony dollar. I shoughe for sate it ‘wot be the Shab! Bill Davies Davis, cali ‘WHO NEEDS A MAD NEWSLETTER? ‘Why would anyone in thei ighe mind sar a Fan Club for MAD. Maguzine? tainly not for proft! “The fist issue of "The MAD Newslecer” already ou, oneaniog interviews withall tece MAD Esitrs! For info, send SASE(eelad deesed, stamped envelope) to Ron Labbe MAD Freaks US.A 16 Universiey Road Brooking, Mass 02146BODY CHECK In a free discussion period in class, we got on the topic of reincarnation. That's the febirch of the soul in a. mew body. Gan you tell us, what would Alfred ‘Neuman like to come back a Dina Gifford Union City, NJ. ‘As soon os poniblel—Ed SIX MINUTES: RETURN OF THE DRAFT Your "Six Minus” deift on the draft really registered with me! Joe Stoutenburgh Hopkins, Minn DIFFRENT JOKES After reading "Difftent Jokes,” 1 know well never be shortchanged from toral enjoyment by Angelo Torres and ‘Arnie Kogen, who have no sbor-comings inthe humorarea! Annette M, Padilla San Antonio, Texas I strongly object to your bevy of “short jokes" in your spoof of ‘Diff rent Strokes, And this leer would've gotten to you sooner if only I could've reached the mail box hendle. C Myers Tafayete, La For pure enterta and Gary Coleman a above the crowd! Kogen, Torres and shoulders Scott Croland Glen Rock, NJ You guys are really MAD! What makes you think I'm so shore? Gary Coleman BIG Star of “Dihrent Burbank, Gory Coleman “Measures Up" To Co-Stars Tedd Bridges And Dana Ploto Arnut, after cracking your magazine, must feel pretty fall now! Catherine Bernstein Bronz, New York Ploose Address All Corrzpondence To ‘MAD, Dept. 217, 485 MADison Avenue jew York, New York 10022 Upslcteg Menus ll ot be eure unas scéomsiieg bs seadaresie stanped ens) TIRED OF THE SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE? Sick Of Always Being [> == Thy WALTZED AROUND? Disgusted By Those Only Out For A Fast BUCK AND WING? Depressed By All The Con Men Giving You A DOUBLE SHUFFLE? Dying For A Few Real BALLET-LAUGHS? STEP INTOA NEW ROUTINE! Join The Chorus Of High-Stepping Clods Who Are Reading _ MAD FOR KICKS ANOTHER MAD COLLECTION OF IDIOCY FROM THE PAST (On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand—Or Yours By Mail ~ use coupon or duplicate NAME . ADDRESS. 485 MADison Avenue city. New York, N.Y. 10022 STATE. ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE OTHER. MAD COLLECTIONS VE CHECKED: stub we: [_] MAD FOR KICKS Or. eye, aD leanne a la a au Femme Bret c The Medicine MAD ae ae Efe Cie eaae 3 Wel, Mi ot MAD The Token MAD On oder eutsiga the US.A be ste ty odd 10% eta. Allow a Teast 3x wees for livery. MAD About The Buoy We cant be respon fr, Tost or son ine Mal ‘or Wy ea patra ENCLOSE $1.50 FOR EACH (Minimum Order: $4.50)SUSTODY'S LAST STAND DEPT. So you really think that all we ever satirize are movies that are pretentious or stupid or bomberos, eh? Well ... HA! We laugh in your freckled faces! HA! ‘There's a picture out now that’s a real winner! So does that mean we shouldn't touch it?! Get outta here!! We enjoy a tear-jerker as much as the next person! So here we go with MAD's version of the “Super Sober Of The Year”, mainly... haven't seen him in over a year! I never realized that toffind herself than the others his age ot went to California to find herselt aN that REALLY TEED ME OFF ee ‘and that’s okay! my fhe was so much SHORTER LI™no—1 mex [ Butwhen my Husband's SECRETARY | | Husband ALONG tohelp her look! When your Mather and Fath divorced, you feel Well, yes and no! felt bad because the house was emptier... but also {elt good becouse | was finally ike all he rest ofthe kids in my clas! | can't afford that! What can you do for LI what would tao [| & thousand dollars? Fy with an Orangutang?off Maybe be too sens am {wait til rm sixteen, oF till youve says I have to eat my breakfast o's | row upto be short and weak like Daddy!Well i a doody of a thought! lr 2 ask ‘hat question! Ws eve ert Director didn't! Ie sure it | can’t figure out now my ad No! No! hate my Oaday! | HATE my Daddyt i wish you were my MOMMY!She grew to HATE living here with me! gsi me ‘Aww, Daddy this i the EASY part! Why is he running | He thinks he's back making ‘Marathon Man"! all those blocks. to the Hospital? Hur, Doctor Veant stand to Listen, 1 could ‘ie THAT, Wenythine happened to me, would you take Care of Bawl Mother to MY KID! You're HERE more than Why ME you're in your awn home! Come to think of they're RIGHT! | mean ‘you're a wonderful‘also fearned | ave two opposing _ | { And what does We have one chance Fimmmmi Wot sides to my nature! One sideis very | | that side say? | | of Keeping Bawiy! [Well she paid the rent, the selfish and says, "Iwant my Son, and | ——) Ttalldepends on || telephone, the gas and the don'teare ifitcosts my exHusband | [That the | wnstkind ofa || electric bi ‘fortune in legal fees, or even fit (> coffee and Mother Joanne was! || the checkbook, shopped for bankrupts him... will HAVE my Son!” [] Danish are What did she do || food and clothes, made the ‘And then, there's my generous side my treat! around the nouse?_|| meals and did the clean Oh, that's very bad newst LI No... 1m Very bad news, Indeed! | worried 1 * things to yout | | yest You're | | cr ger | n about your First... Merry 1! 7 You're worried about my ability 0 Ghristmasit i ability te support Bawiy? pay my feet i don have job, 11 lose Bawivi! fp} losing YOU! Where was con- MW Since my Wife walk- LI” Especially How one and! You mean ater flict of careers! f] edoutonme, ve [] wnenthave | | have you [ ] bow muck [ ] only six months My careeras an nedtobeboth || “Wo LIE ana been at | | money co | | “on a job, you [Account Executive || Father and Mather |] teitmyscit youreur- | |yourmake? | make tat mucnz! Why ais round the Rouse! Not rent job? ‘Then answer this youteave || [gees your last ‘Mmmm That can be sx LI $37,000 very confusing! ... | [monthstt year! job theren? eStkreee&keaeke eke ANTHEM IS AS ANTHEM DOES DEPT, One of the most popular patriotic songs of all times is “America The Beautiful.” Unfortunately, the words are simple and generalized, and have all but lost their meaning in these troublesome times. What we need is a new “America The Beauti- MAD’S UP-DATED RELE AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL kKeekKekkkee ear re ke wk ety O beautiful for. America! America! God shed His grace on thee; Kekkkkekkkkkkkekekkeee NRE R BMHful” that has lyrics apprepriate and relevant to the world we live in today. So here's your opportunity to re-write this great hymn. Just fill in the numbered blanks with your choice from the corresponding numbered lists, and you'll have ANT, DO-IT-YOURSELF ASR spacious skies smog-filled skies greasy fries Nixon’s lies flabby thighs loud hi-fi’s Christmas ties rents that rise AR purple mountain majesties belching smoke from Factories nu-clea-r catastrophes modern-art monstrosities situation comedies money-grubbing charities over-sized monopolies unemployment miseries aia and crown thy good with brotherhood we'll bravely guard our Visa Card as prices rise, we'll improvise we'll do our thing at Burger King we'll get our kicks from porno flicks we'll cel-e-brate the Welfare State with joy we'll bless the LR.S. the end is near, but we'll stay here WAITER: FRANK JACOBS. AGB amber waves of grain tons of rotting grain films that dull our brain good taste down the drain spending that’s insane snorting bad cocaine cars we can’t maintain Tarzan chasing Jane ia above the fruited plain which Carter can’t explain we need like flat champagne and shows like “Super Train” afflicting us with pain and Stassen’s last campaign from Oregon to Maine and debts that still remain AA -— Ss from sea to shining sea while wasting en-er-gy for Donny and Marie in-to e-ter-nit-y and pray for NBC and sing this song off-key and play the lot-ter-y and live in bank-rupt-cyOPPOSITES DETRACT DEPT. Many self-help books today teach us that YOU are fine, YOU are great, YOU are wonderful. But what about oo all the other people in the worl Well, THEY, as we all know, leave a lot to be desired. THEY are very different from YOU . . . as you will ana rain Cote discover shortly when you read . . . THEY THEY THEY + +:are a bunch of *Yes”-men, «++ are cheap, ++ have lousy taste in clothes. ake YOU YOU +++ believe the “inner you” is more «show proper respect to superiors. _«... haye learned the value of thrift. important than surface appearances. THEY THEY THEY «+. would con their own Motherfora buck... area bunch of neurotics who couldn't _... are weak jellyfish who ‘ope if it weren*t for their “shrinks”. can be talked into anything. YOU havea keen mind for business, - « benefit from professional advice. «+s are flexible. wsEY and YOU" Book THEY «++ bad-mouth everyone they know. +++ are pushy. he Se ‘OU YOU «+ believe in self-expression for young people. s+ stell itlike itis, THEY THEY -+-area bunch of reactionary squares. _... ruthlessly claw their way to the top. +e drum and embarrass = ‘everyone around them. YOU YOU YOU -+-have a deep regard for tradition. «+. take advantage of every opportunity. «++ are the life ofthe party.THEY THEY «throw their money away, gambling. ++. can't hold onto a job. «+ «pride yourself on not incing run by the clock. «are intrigued by the laws of probability. +. enjoy discovering new worlds to conquer. THEY THEY - can’t be trusted to keep a secret. «go along with every ridiculous, hhalf-baked new fad or eraze. THEY « ssstre insensitive practical jokers. have a well-rounded sense of humor. - «believe in open communication. - -sate a disciple of the New Age. THEY THEY THEY + «camp out, get blisters and +++ are fault-finding nit-pickers. «+ bore everyone by showing end- are eaten alive by mosquitos. iss slides of their vacations. ate SNES AS en a YOU YOu «enrich your friends by exposing them fo «havea good eye for detail ur discoveries in remote foreign cultures: -+- enjoy roughing it,DON MARTIN DEPT. PART 1 ONE FINE DAY IN PREHISTORIC TIMES Syke Stik ZeGIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY DREAD DEPT. The popular movies today deal mostly with horrible, terrible, disastrous topics—things like killer sharks, earthquakes, upside-down ships, giant apes, CORRE TOMES 10m Ee so pXOUR PEACE AND QUIET IS SHATTERED BY. Ol YR PEOPI ee Prams g be boca Cry Let You! \ Barbra Debbie lanet “Helen Pat Dorothy A HOWL STRIDENT BOOM BLARE TREBLE LOUD LOUDER © Linden WithA Special Guest Appearance By ROCK HUDSON As Gunga DIN Miss Strident's Wardrobe Based On A Story by Bill BLAST Directed By By Saul BELLOW Orson WAILS Doomed Souls, Trapped In A Terrible Hell With NO END IN SIGHT! SEVEN SISTERS PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS THE LONG 4. -3@ GAS LINE ax, s Starring : Glenn Chita. © CHEVY CHEVETTE MERCEDES CADDY MERCURY | Deborah FORD RIVIERA Chase Mimieux McCambridge Grant Morris & Car Maria Alan. MOBIL GETTY Vittorio, Gregory with gHELL ARCO Mercer Davis & GasMAN “""€ opEC Screenplay By Based On A Speech By Produced And Directed By Mario PEUGEOT ‘Abraham LINCOLN Carlo PONTIAC Hear The Hit Song “Tanks For The Memory" Sung By Lou ROLLS 10 living dead people, and swarms of insects. All ofwhich mokes us wonder—Why make movies about such unbelievable things when there are so many every- EVERVDAVADISASTIERS ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS cit itat} CTV Iay Their Watchword Is TERROR! Weapon Is FEAR! Their Target Is YOU!!! CS Ty 1040 PRODUCTIONS PRESENT THEY CAME FROM THE I.R.S. cA / a Ve ww we." > Se starring: TAX AUDIT ene SHECKLES Von Sydow Murphy Dun & Green swith: PENNY ike Myron tase Marshall NICKELS COIN & GREENBACKS Produced by BUCK Henry _Directed by David LIEN Hoar The Hit Song “Everything I've Got Is Theirs" Sung by Johnny CASH “They've spared no expense!"—Business Week. day true-life horrors we can really relate to? Let us develop this absurd premise for you with these IDEA BY: MICHAEL J. SNIDER IT'S BACK... To Torment You Embarrass You... isgust You! F. Lee BELLY presents S285 2.500733 OF S385 Peg Con rey STARRING: Edie Robert George __Robert GOURMET SNACK GOBBLE GULP Barbara Ray Blythe Regis HERSHEY BULGER DINNER TUMMY WITH: Senta Oscar E.G. Larry BURGER WEINER MORSEL STARCH Screenplay BasedOnA Music Orchestra by StoryBy By Conducted By George Rex. FATS PLUMPTON STOUT Waller “Fills the screen! ight Watcher'sHuman Zombies In A Terrifying World Of Darkness! HE PREYS ON UNSUSPECTING VICTIMS! (REPAIRMAN) PANASONIC PICTURES PRESENTS DEATH OF A Pvtiaae ia) ee Pomel ay THEY PAY rated Starring: Me SONY, GE. ,SYLVANIA , Ama ZENITH \ Featuring Bono ™ Marshall Mangano * MAGNAVOX * Bethune Vincent BILL y Meryl James with Don KNOBS Red BUTTONS —Lorretta SWITCH PRICE" jc Cosby STEER COW and featuring Adam WESTINGHOUSE as “Black Man” Bert PARTS and Rod LABOR Screenplay By Gore VIDEO & Truman KAPUT ‘You'll eta big charge outfit” Based On A Remark By Coco CHANNEL National Inquirer It Disappeared Into Space... Never To Return! THE Lost FILLING - auras AAS rapes staring: Dick, Monty ¢ Rita . ROOT icky Dick 6, R o Jef 9 Bu & Then. CAVITY © HOLE ° GUM ° Gordon ° BRIDGE ° DENTURE & YANKERS “Hard-bitten drama that's pure gold!” ‘Dental Age Screenplay By Based On The Book By From A Remark By Music By OgdenGNASH Clare TOOTH LOOSE ALCAPS Gustav MOLAR DON'T MISS THE EXCITING OPENING!Their Pleasure Is Your Horror! Your Life Will Never Be The Same After... STARRING: Arlene Michael J. Kier Alain Delores Harry DULL ¢ DULLARD © DULLEA * DULLON © DULL RIO © DULLOUISE © DULLEFONTE Screenplay By Gore VIDULL @ Directed by Roy DULL RUTH @ Produced By Dino DULLARENTIIS You May NEVER Want To Use Your Phone Again After You've Been Put... ON HOLD Starring: TONE DIAL CALL RING E. Roberts ® Waggoner ® Malden e O'Starr Lucille ¢ Ruth g WAIT BELL © BUSY Newton ‘A film you can really get hung up on! Virginia WAIT ‘The New York Times Days Of Agony! Nights Of Torture! CONGESTED PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS the bug #4 that’s going Any STARRING: AIL, , HOARSE MacGraw * Bucholz Loretta Candy | FLU BaRF * Ferrigno Meryl CHILL Guy SWEAT * STREP * Wills * MEDICINE with a cameo appearance by DRISTAN Hoffman THIS MOTION PICTURE IS RATED “VIRUS X”" “itl make you sick to your stomach!".A.M.A. Journal(Tustnever | (There 1Sa way Garvan (You NVESTIn ngs) [Te Youre w RANGA | [Sure otek thet'You| | doyou" || tke houses, property, | | "GENIUS! 'm gonns take hove fo edge. || gocesies | | eDaE eta =| aint aes tevaticn! | [inflation || a ‘your advice! | just have ‘one problem! Since you're fine art L * ‘WHERE do | get all the ‘hing! | [MONEY to HEDGE witht so wise in these matter maybe you can help me eee BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER SIDE OF... ey. we bought an economy | car to sve money on cur bus fares! We bought this house ‘You did't answer my ques- tion! Can we BUY a money: saving Washing Machine. ..? to save money on high rents! We bought a freezer to save ‘money on ur food bills. - =Sees BERS - (icveatean | (imee (eeeaeegec| (fmt arcone | [wee] (ina onwein rare yousolongr a no | | pensar |e Scrat etc at . = |e vee || ARTIST & WRITER; MONEY-SAVING IDEA. "1" ) ae aa om CpExcuse | { ityou're trying to | ime, Sit || SELL me anything, | | sell you anything! forget tt The one’ | | Iwas just looking Timnetitryingte ) (Are you 2 You inter. vale Vm the TAX ASSESSOR! ing?! Mist) 0 on Ts this your || thing DON'T neee | | over your house! | | nouser | [is MORE-expenses!) | ‘igure its worth | | ts value to ae about $35,000! z —_) ) are you ering kay. $0 K'm ‘There you go... back to Baby... you've got a es [anova a i a Steen LOOK at met! something else Thad to buy, ‘and |ean’t Stuff It makes me nervous! think oft! ‘mmm There was { Was it ‘No. none of those things! It’s not the CAFFEINE | (Wee the Price fi ESPECIALLY not COFFEE! that makes me nervous Saal IDON'T DRINK that awful onAnd | DID alithat so ]{Wnat ) [A FATHER who's WAY uidhave || was | [OVER HIS HEAD IN DEBT! ni ott | that V L Ge “The cost of Heating OW has gone so high thet I've had to Dut the thermostat way down! idofminahespolseaot) [Why dont you TENGH your ; x Tiosattave | [cnivinewatueetsastar) | 4 Dretinle owen E INUAPANESE TEN nes aThats nol only DISGUST. it's OBSCENE! ‘OIL COMPANIES’ PROFITS JUMP BY BILLIONS WHILE | [ING Why can't you read something dignified andrespectable... | | THEY RAISING GAS PRICES 85% like “THE WALL : ‘STREET JOURNAL”?! ae Took at that! In spite of double digit inflation, our Yessiree inspite of all highways are stil crowded with cars In spite of the these problems, the great prices of everything going through the celing, our “american High Standard of Supermarkets are stl full In spite of the shrinking Living” STILL GOES ON... ‘value of the dollar, people ae stil ving in uxury What's the mat-) (That's because) [Are things | { You bet | have Especially now that] if things are) WHO MOVEDTIT ter with you? || imworking on | | realy THAT | [trouble just pay-| | Iliveinamuch || so tough, You look BEAT! || ‘TWO JOBS! TOUGH? } | ingthe RENTI! | | more expensive || why did = ‘apartment! || you move?! kyBLOWING THEIR COVERAGE DEPT, ee tee i 1d Concert Pianists have something in common: "VIH" 0 ery Unportanc Hands* And bessuse of Gre iprionee rites caret, fiey usually. Have thetr hands inaired Buk what about other people with ial isti ts or abilities? 't they hysical characteristics or talen hey ae Lov epacial coverage too? Well show yor wae we isan with SOME MAD EXAMPLES OF CELEBRITIES HIGH-VALUE INSURANCE POLICIES INSURANCE, INSURED: gimmy Carter President of the United States EFFECTIVE DATE: January 20,1977 BENEFICIARY ‘The Democratic National Committee ARTIST: HARRY NORTH, Ea, WHEREAS Sutin the areas. of skirting the Sauce, dodging ombarrassing aus fand equivoeating in general WHEREAS 900 20H Jeet him 8 second term GhalPresident of The United States THEREFORE. FIED Oss OF AMBIGUIT 07h Spu couensAteo it ACCORDANCE Situ tae conprrions OF TH Sig, feta eh fe INSURANCE WRITERS FoR ECIALIZED INTANGIBLES PAIN THRESHOLD INSURANCE NAME OF; INSURED: Evel Knievel DATE OF ISSUE: November 1, 1977 WAITER: DENNIS SNEE {aso mae monetary conpnston 207 feducton of pane eee Pun tress that onde, fhe () WIPING OUT CURING woroReYeuE HUMES OVER CARS. BUSES. BUILDINGS OR SHARKCINFESTED. SHIN POOLS (2) PLUNGING. CAREENING. TRIPPING OWING OR OTHERMISE FALLING. FROM ANY PRECIPCE. AND STRIKING ROCKS BOULDERS, OUTCROPS. ONLOOKING aN OF OTHER SIMMLAR MAnIMATE OBiECTS (@) FALING To CLEAR THE GeanD (oR Ato OTHER) CuNYON via MTOR CLE SKATEBOARD, POCO STicx. POLE VAULT OR ATOMIC-PowERED ROLLER SKATES PURSUANT TO TERNS AND smipuaioNS ENUMERATED INTHE FOLLOWING PAGESNEW ENGLAND TEMPERAMENTAL a its, “tnsuring Personality Tats, onthe eceatrieFor7% Prissiness Insurance NAME OF INSURE! ‘Tony Randall POLICY NUMBEI 5.60576 446 «Era inderariters For The E Insurance tract caeepls ey ind VOCABULARY INSURANCE NAME OF INSURED: winiam F Buckley Jr POLICY DATE: “August 16,1975 ENDORSEMENT Basie indemnities for this pole shall be payable upon eee pa SY ftatement by Wie or chase Ot Psychiatise, tha the Inge TONY RANDALL has ceased 10 fendencies for demonstrate pris, etiod of one yes, Proof of the Insured loss of his Bilssiness, ‘his most iaeesibeihs Personality wat and Ment 25561352 Talk Show Guesy nay challenged. anc final deren ee €f sla vaictry shal beeper avior exhibited by the Ieee On at least one (1) such Tak See’ arouses STUER, bere ste NOSE INSURANCE Sale ere POLICY DATE: May 28,1967 IR AMORE BENERTS wou. ae Foaraco IN ARY Ob ALL‘OF THE FoLtowne Gane a ius sured is forced to conaut sSitan to establan' ae o,conealt 5 Any word with eon than y moloRy 0 @ | UH, lature i nab to trncare monthdes By itera ent 0 ° SR em Y say RLY tees Ay ey FOR AR THAN Te Sue se HR 1 tne tag EXPLANATION OF COVERAGE J potey mrovids quarried incennes tn ne oie come or imu ie ness or neh of te atts ines Bisco Wackma aid ogo’ her pee tees ht, or se ra. "nom ol plein ai oo Ballen- VOTE KING DAVID'S WIRE HANGER CHEOPS’ GLORIA STEINEM’S HUMPTY DUMPTY’S WIRE HANGER WIRE HANGER WIRE HANGER U THE SIAMESE TWINS’ , WIRE HANGER LIBERACE’S WIRE HANGERDON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il ONE FINE DAY IN THE ie AGESFEET ACOMPLI DEPI One of the newest and fastest-rising sports here in the United States is also one of the oldest and most pop- ular sports in just about every other country in the world. We're referring, of course, to Soccer. Those of you who are familiar with Soccer might as well skip this article . . . because there is nothing in it you don't know! Those of you who are unfamiliar with Soccer might, as well skip it, too . .. because there is nothing in it you'll want to know! ied leaves us and the Printer to enjoy Seo the men in the funny short pants. What are they doing? ‘They are playing a game called Soccer. [tis the most popular game in the world. ‘What is the foremost rule of Soccer? ‘That you may kick the ball. . . Orhitit with your head... But you may never touch it with your hands. What was potentially the greatest Soccer Team In sports history? Probably the 1979 New York Mets. ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL Chapter Two hat pe is ay ‘idea of Soccer? ' ‘o get the ball into your opponents goal How will these men move the ball Down the very, very large Soccer Field? Perhaps by dribbling it with their feet. How else will they move the ball? Perhaps by passing it with kicks. ‘When do you think one team wili get the ball Close enough to take a shot at the other goal? Perhaps by next Thursday.‘Soccer is considered to be ‘The fastest-growing sport in the United States. Here we see two typical American Soccer Teams in action. ‘There are eleven men on aside in Soccer. How.can we tell that these 22 players ‘Make up two typical American Soccer Teams? Because on the field, this is what we see .. (And suppose, instead of saying it, Wesingit...) Look, look, look, ‘One team has actually maneuvered the ball Close io its opponent ’s goal. Ion’tiit exciting? ‘This the first time it has happened today. And they have only been playing for 78 minutes! ‘Now, all they have to do is penetrate a defensive wall Of two Center-Backs, a Right-Back, and a Left-Back . ‘Not tomention the Goalie ‘And they might get a shot at the goal. ‘What are the chances of scoring in Soccer? About the same as Truman Capote’s chances of scoring ‘At the office Christmas Party of Cosmopolitan Magazine. 34 Six Germans running, Five Ar-gen-tines. Four Spanish Backs, ‘Three French men, ‘Two Turkish Wings, ‘Anda pair o-of Polish Goal-ies! How come there are no Canadians playing American Soccer? Because they are busy in Chicago and Boston and Detroit Playing American Hockey! Aswe have said before, In Soccer, you may kick the ball Orhitit with your head... Butno one must ever touch it with his hands. Except the Goalie! ‘The Goalie follows his own set of rules. He can kick the ball, and head the ball, ‘And punch the ball, and sit on the ball, ‘And catch the ball, and throw the ball. He can do anything he wants at all times! He even wears a different-colored jersey ‘Than his team-mates. ‘The Goalie is a very important and powerful person ‘What will this Goalie do when he retires from Soccer? Either become the Dictator of a South American country Or Chairman of OPEC.Chapter Six ‘See the crowd watching an American Soccer game. ASSoccer crowd isa lot like the United Nations, Why is that? a 2 jecause itis comprised of people Of al different nationalities? Partly But also because they make a lot of noise And they usually accomplish nothing, South Americans are fascinated By the teamwork in Soccer. Europeans are fascinated By its finesse Asians are fascinated By its competitive spit, Why are Americans fascinated by Soccer? Because they want to see for themselves Ifit’s true that Soccer Is the only sport ever created ‘That is more boring than Baseball. Chapter Eight Soccer is a very strenuous game. Play very rarely stops. ‘The only one who calls time is the Referee. And only if there is serious injury on the field. Look at the player Lying motionless in a crumpled heap. ‘He was killed by angry fans Who are rooting for the other team, Why doesn’t the Referee call “time”? Because, compared to what Soccer fans Usually do to rival players, Death isnot considered a serious injury. Chapter Seven See the angry Soccer fans. They take the game very seriously And they have very short tempers. Look, look, look. ‘The stands have gone berserk. ‘The Italian fans are beating up on the British fans. vilian fans are belting the Portuguese fans. fans are pounding the Egyptian fans. is dreadful? ! ‘They just woke up the American fans? ! Baz ee ae Soccer isa very democratic sport. Almost anybody ean play it Weight and height are unimportant ce that 14-year-old boy? Heis only 4-feet, 11 inches tall. bh hig He doesn't have to grow up to be 7 feet tall So he can look like Bill Walton ‘And play Professional Basketball. Instead, he can grow up to be only 6 feet 8 inches tall And look like Pelé ‘And play Professional Soccer. Butsupposing he doesn’t grow up at all! ? That's okay, too. He can always look like Paul Williams ‘And writesongs. Come to think of ‘Who needs SoccerROCKIN’ THE ROLLERS DEPT. Meer At.Alfred E.Neuman for PresidentRETAL-ELATION DEPT. JUST Be = PA x \ + ++ find a Cop when you need one! «+ Spill coffee on a Waitress! «-shaye a blind date turn out .++and have her feel . « . think of the perfect put-down the to be the girl of your dreams! the same way about you! minute you need it, not two days later. 40... charge your Doctor for all the... hearsome Medical news _... make a Repairman lose almost a time you spent in his waiting room! —_ that’s right up your alley! —_ whole day’s work waiting for you!WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO ARTIST: HARRY NORTH, ESO. 3 —— ULDN’T YOU LIK Wee EX - - hear some encouraging news from the Government! Law é e +. cut off aTelephone Operator _.... pass up a cab driver, leaving _. .. see a famous Designer wearing while she’s talking to a friend! him standing outside in the rain! something with your name on it!! ++. eea Cigar Smoker get deathly «+.ignore a Waiter + +» be the person they call fo ask what il from the odor of your cologne. who's in a big hurry. you think of the show that’s on the TV!DON MARTIN DEPT. PART i ONE FINE DAY ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO Sey é $1 | Neuman J} + lore President | IU aft SMPec a Ever since Television became the national pastime, there have been shows featuring ‘and shows featuring Private Eyes eT Meher Ta mat iced cad us ea Ore eee aa Ct eR eto rt 1 ei That Burglar faTsee this blind Newadealer, an" ] [ That'salet | [_itsthis (igure | could swipe a paper! But ittuene out he aint blind! ‘a newsstand! | | Sonny! Why, ero bare nae meet] | ateecrsmiom | (teen mel |aecney| rai area gescseein |) entace peat cere | | reece || asco "R] Setenecses | | uecseat sate mitentzce” || “erate | | Welnets ae a piss ae tlaertea ore VL 1 era soe te + =| Wi ip | (PR is r Hey, coot it, Oh... you're They say “Pot hal! —$—$— There's | | probabiy right! ‘a milion dollars You'll be LUCKY ithe rocky! I've ‘eet better into a brown paper OWN got an ideal ofthat | | already! But bag, and walt for ‘Well PAY goin’ | | this RANSOM Instructions... the ransom— aroun’ | | NOTE sti with ANGLE'S especialy phony money! He OWES me! an you help me raise the money? WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONEa ‘lad found you. Angie! How did you get: P| | ami lwant your counterfeit moneyt_[ |_be Vice President? ml fre lookin’ atthe NEW Angle Moron... VICE PRESIDENT of the SAN ANDREAS FAULT LAND | DEVELOPMENT CORPORATION Executive with no experience nd 3 low 1Qt were trying to getyou, Angle! ‘You okay, Jammy?) Don'tbe sil, Jamnyt = jus’ gotta be more T guess so! See f ou walk that? They =n [ "ANGLE! We what they calla ey ‘so they keep takin’ out these INSURANCE POLICIES on me ten milion bucks we fee toss { Jammy, you're gettin’ paranoid! Why don’t you go into my private 2| | Johm anc freshen up Man, | used to think that Executives went to a soft seat anda gold handle the John like everyone else but they don't! Imean, | got me ‘Angle, it sounds No... bat | like a SET-UP! |) how about | ‘Now, this, Jammy, is my private eleva—Jammy??You got the money, Crockford? Give me the gi FIRST!Not exactly, Dad! She's Don’t it give suing met She claims it ou better go see a Whatever! That guy ] ‘Oh-oht | think ‘we're being talled! Hane ‘oni ll try Y shrink, Sonny! You're gettin’ hemorrhol! tolose him! \| [re words “PARANOID”, Dad behing us is haunt fruit, cause he jus’ | enroved a pineapple! | A¢ That's no pineapple, Dad! That's a Where's the | REST of it? ‘Angie! Mend you 3 need brand new Caddy, | | your ‘and you bring” | |_HELPL bback CHARIOT! ———= What NEXT? You Want to borrow my terrspeed, UNICYCLE? Ttwas YOUR CAR, Angie! They were trying to KILL YOUN But {got their address by tracing their license plates! Now, if | can gota look at their files, Taon't LS Hey, Jammy! ve been an Auditor ally life! Why, ust last week was auditoring down at Redondo Beach, and I seen mea perfeet "10" from the Aecount: ing Department, Miss... as you can probably tell ‘rom my prissy ‘manner and my horn: is no easy job, be lieve me, all those columns of fgurest[ ee, Jar, ‘And, in one of those That's PM Hey, you wouldn't Yeah? Well this playing familar TV plot o- RIGHT! Manna take ME tor [peta angie! The Cope Bf where ARE” | Auditor i a- incidences, they're Andinow, [ME asise!imean,! WM wire coming trough ff they? We most as much the SAME gang that we're JM get CARSICK!You Ml “nat door any minute ff have been funas playing kidnapped the girl! gonna wouldn't want me I ow! told Crocky to ff here for Doctor! Hey— They used the ransom | | takeyou A barfing allover MM putin g call to trem ff FIFTEEN. willyou look jf collect the |) money to pay allthe twofor | | _ yournice new it we weren't out of ff minutes atthat...71 | insuraneett_|| insurance premiums! a RIDE! wouldya? IM here in five minutes! ‘Okay, drop! Crocky didn’t |_| 1 jus" couldn't help ki We [ "Av speakin’ of havin fan, Sonny, | [Fm comin, to, {those guns! _[~] giveme your |~| was havin’ such an interest arn! And tm F <== | message vntit bringin’ my over: Ws about | | afterword been |p sized portable time, Menace! radio with the What took huge speakers! | Man, we're gonna have us 9 ball! you's0 lang? Uhhh... sory, fellast can't E youre "ARREST ME, Nenaee! ——— Mer gol 'm aWITNESS! Right, Men: | | free to go, | passed counter. [ Arvat ight wes] |_ HEU ‘ace. ean leave townt!? ee feit money in that ‘aroun'a roarin’ fire = ransom drop! You | | crockiorai| | an’ play “Old Maid” haverotnron me || “Haven | | ‘an'bob fr aples in jail Listen «| “an squeeze rolls of EKNOW my RIGHTS! | sett 5|_tollet paper... an’—U3 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS Ln MAD FOLD IN ase For years, you've been hearing all about the Bs fabulous industry known as “Organized Crime”, ter 3 and you've probably wondered how one gets to ORGANIZATION? join in on the fun. Well, merely fold in the page as shown and you'll soon have an answer! a Ab FOLD TS SECON OVER LEFT. 4 FOLD BAK SO “AY MEETS “BP QUT tah) Ca eS ey ee aya y | CNN aT Ta GREAT FINANCIAL REWARDS AWAIT THOSE WHO MEET aang Sarre ELEMENTAL STANDARDS OF CRIMINALITY. ONCE INDUCTED INTO THE INNER CIRCLE, FEW WANT TO QUIT. ‘ AD