remember the first time I gor a letter that said “After Five Days Return To" on the enve lope, at I ehoughe that after I had kepe the let ter for five days Twas sop I remember the kick I used t0 get going I my parents’ drawers looking for rub- bers. (Peacock I remember whe I remember pink dress shirts, And bola tes remember when a kid told me that tho sour clover leaves we used to ext (with Kile yellow flowers) tasted so sour heeanse dogs ped fan them. I remember that dil stop» me from eating them, 1 remember I remember the fist drawing doing. Te was of a bride with avery T remember my first egarete, Itwas a Kent.Up om a bil, In Tulsa, OXlshoma. With Ron Padgett. 1 remember my first erections. I thought 1 had some terrible disease or something. I remember the only time I ever siw my rmother eng. Twas eating apricot pie [ remember how much I eried seeing South Pacific (ue movi) three times. [ remember hovt good! a glass of water can taste after a dish of icecream. T remember when I got a five-year pin for not missing a single morning of Sunday School for five years. (Methodist) 1 remember when I went toa “come as your favorite person” party 2s Marilyn Monroe. | remember one ofthe frst things Eremem= ber. Anice bos. (AS opposed toa refrigerator.) 1 remember white margarine in a plastic bag. And a little package of orange powder. You put the orange powder inthe bag with the margarine and you squeezed it all around until the mar- garine became yellow T remember how much Tused to stutter remember how much, in high school, T ‘wanted to be handsome and popular. 1 remember wheng in high school, i you wore green and yellofon Thraday ie meant thar you were quer T remember when, in high school, Fused to seuff a soek in my wnderwear T remember when T decided to be a minister. 1 don't remember when T decided! nox vo be 1 remembef. ge First time T saw television, Lucile Ball was taking baller lessons [remember the day John Kennedy was shot remember that for my fifth birthday all T wanted was an off-one-shoulder black satin evening gown. I gatit, And wore ito my birth- thay pare: T remember a dream Thad recently where John Ashbery siid that my Mondrian period paintings were even better than Mondrian T remember a dream 1 Have had offen of being able to fy. (Without an sirplane,) remember many dreams of finding gold and jewels,10 I remember a litle boy I used to take care of after school while his mother worked. T remember how much fun it was to ponish him for being bad Tremember a dream I used to have alot ofa beautiful red and yellow and black snake in bright green grass T remember St. Louis when I was very young. I remember the tatoo shop next to the bus station and the two hig lions in. front of the Museum of Art 1 remember an American history teacher who seas ahways threatening to jump out of che window if we didn't quiet down. (Second floor) T remember my first sexual experience in a subway. Some guy (Iwas afraid to Toole at him) got a hardon and was rubbing ie back and forth against my atm. [gor very excited and when my. Sop came Lhurried out and home where T tried 0 do an oil painting using my dick asa brash [remember the first time Frelly gor drank, 1 painted my hands and face green with Faster egg dye and spent the night in Pat Padgett’ bath tb, She was Pat Mitchell then, I remember another early sex experience. Ac the Museum of Modern Art. Ia the movie theater. I don't remember the movie. First there was a knee pressed to mine. Then there was a Than on my knes: Then a hand on my crotch a insele my pants. Inside my under- us very exiting but I was afraid ro look. Eft hetore the movie was over and I though he would be outside waiting for me by the print exhibition bur T waited around and nobody showed ang interest. remember whea [livedinastore frontnest door 1 a meat packing house on East Sixth Street. One very fat meat packer who always ate acthe same diner on the eoener that Tate a fl- lowed me home and asked if he could come in and see my paintings. Once inside he instantly ‘uncipped his blood-stained white pants and piled out an enormous dick. He asked me to touch tan I did, As repalsive as it all was, it as ‘exciting too, and I didn’ wane to hurt his fel ings, Bu then [said Thad to go out and he sid, “Lett got together and I sid, “No,” but he wa very insistent so Tsai, "Yes." He was very fat and ugly and really very disgusting, so when the time came for our date I went ovt fora walk. Buc who should [run int on the street but him, all dressed up and spanking clean. f fete bod that 1 Tha to ell him that had changed my mind. He offered me money but T said no. T remember my parents’ bridge teacher. She vwas very fat and very butel (cropped lan) and she was a chain smoker, She prided herself on the ‘act that she didn't have to carry matches around.2 She leach new cigarette from the old one. She lived in a litsle house behind a resturant and lived to be very old remember playing “doctor” i the closet. 1 remember painting “I HATE ‘TED BERRIGAN" in big black letters all over my white wall I remember throwing my eyeglasses into the ‘scean off the Staten Island ferry one black night ina St of drama and depression. remember once when I made seratches on ny face with my fingernails so people woul ask ime what happened, and I would say a eat dil it, and, of course, they would know that a eat did not do i. T remember the linoleum floors of my Dayton, Ohio, room, A white puffy floral design con dark red T remember sack dresses 1 remember when afish-til dress I designed was published in “Katy Keene" comics. I remember box sits remember pill box hats. [remember round eats remember aquaw dreses T remember big far tes with fish on them. [remember the first ball poine pens. “They skipped, and deposited litle balls of ink that ‘woul accumulate on the point, [remember rainbow pads T remember Avnit Cleora who lived in Hollywood. Exery year for Christmas she sent my brother and me joint present of one book: [remember the day Frank O'Hara died, 1 tried to do a painting somehow especially fr hin, (Especially goo.) And it urned out awful remember “Hlow Much Is That Doge in the Window?” remember butter and sugar sandwiches, remember Pat Boone and “Love Letters in the Sand” I remember Teresa Brewer and “I Don't Want No Ricochet Romance.” I remember “The Tennessee Walt.”I remember “Sixteen Tons.” remember “The Thing.” I remember he Hit Parade I remember Dorothy Collins. I remember Dorothy Collins’ teeth. remember when I worked in an antique= cheaper than T junk shop and I sold everyth vas supposed to, remember when I lived in Boston reading all of Dostoevsky’s novels one right after the other, 1 remember (Boston) panhandling on the street where all the are gale T remember collect | remember planning to tear page 48 oat of every book Tread from the Boston. Public Library, but soon losing interest remember Bickford remember the day Mi iaacette buts from the urns in front of The Museum of Fine Arcsin ‘lyn Monroe died, 1 remember the first time T met Frank (O'Hara. He eas walking down Second Avenue. Ie was a enol early Spring evening but he was ‘wearing only a white shirt with the sleeves rolled ‘upto his elbows. And blue jeans. And moccesns T remember that he seemed very sssy t0 me Very theatrical. Decadent. I remember that T liked him instantly Tremember going to the ballet with Edwin Denby in are esr cost 1 remember learning to play bridge so 1 could get co know Frank O'Hara better. I remember playing bridge with Frank (O'Hara. (Mostly tall) 1 remember my grae school art teacher, Mrs. Chick, who got so mad ata boy one day she dumped a bucket of water over his head I remember my collection of ceramic monkeys, I remember my brother’ collection of Tremember when T was “Demolay” wish T could remember the secret handshake so 1 could reveal ito you6 L remember my grandfather who didn’t believe in doctors. He didn’t work because he had a tumor. He played cribbage all day. And wrote poems, He had very long ugly toe nals. T Tooking at his fect as rach as Teonld I remember Maley, the local freak and ne rows queer. He had a very lite head thae grew ‘out of his body like a mole, No one knew him, bout everyone Inew who he was, He was always around.” [remember liver T remember Bettina Beer (A girl) We used to go to dances together. I bet she was a dyke though it never would have occurred to me at the time, She cussed a lot. And she drank and smoked with her mother’s spproval. She didn’t have a father. She wore heavy blue eye shadow and she had white spots on her arms. 1 remember riding ina bus downtown one day, in Tulsa, and a hoy T knew slightly from school sat down heside me and started asking {questions like "Do you like girl?” He was areal creep. When we got downtown (where all the stores are) he kept following me around until Finally he talled me into going with him to his bank where he said he had something to pu in his safe-deposit bos. I remember thae I didn’t Iknow what safe-deposit box was, When we got 7 to the banka bankeman gave him his box and led us into a booth with gold curtains. ‘The boy fopened up the box and pulled ont & gun. THe showed itto me and [ried Wand then he put it back in the box and asked me ifT would unzip my pants, Tsai no Lzemember that iy knees were shaking: After we left the bank 1 said thac Thad to go to Brown-Dunkin’s (Tosa largest department store) ard he said he had to go there too. To go to the: bathroom, Tn the men’s room he tried soinething else (forget fexactly what) and Tran out the daor atl that thac Ie is very strange that an eleven or twelve year ald boy would have a safe-depesit box, With a gun in it, He had an older sister who was Inown 00 be “lose T remember Libe T remember “Liberace loafers” with tassels T remember those bright-colored nylon scorsucker shires that you could se theough, 1 remember many first days of school, And that empty feeling 1 remember the clack from three 10 three shir I remember when girls wore cardigan sweaters backwards{Eremember when girls wore lots of ean-can slips. Ie got so bad (o noisy) thatthe principal had to puta limit on how many could be worn. T believe the limic was three. remember thin gold chains with one fee pearl hanging from them. remember mustard seed necklaces with a mustard seed inside a litle glass ball remember pony tl remember when hoody boys wore their ‘ue jeans so low that the principal had to puta limic on that too. I believe ie was three inches below the navel T remember shirt collars armed up in back, {remember Perry Como shir. And Pemy ‘Como sweaters remember ducketails T remember Cherokee hairents 1 remember no belts. | remember many Sunday afternoon dinners of fried chicken or pot roast. [remember my fist oil painting. [twas of chartreuse greenfield of grass with alee Ilan village far aay. remember when I tried out to bea cheer leader and didn’ make it, remember many September. remember one day in gym class when my name was ealied ove I just couldn't say “here.” I stuttered so badly that sometimes words wouldn't come out af my mouth a¢ all had to ran around the ficld many times, Leeineinber a rather horsy-looking girl who to seduce me on a New York City roof Although T got it up, I realy didn’t want to anything, so Ttold her that Ehad a headache, remember one football player who wore very tight faded bie jeans, and the way he filled them, I remember when I got drafted and had to 0 way downtovin to take my physical. Te was early in the morning, I bad an egg for breakfast and could feel it siting there in my stomach, Alter roll calla man looked! at me and ordered me toa different line than most ofthe boys were lined up at. Chad very long hair which was more unusual then than ies now.) The line Twas sent to tumed out to be the line to see the head doc tor. (was going t0 ask to see him anyAtieasked me if L vas queer and I said yes. ‘Then te asked me what homasexval experiences had id and Tsaid none. (Ie was the truth.) And he believed me, I didn't even have to take my clothes off, I remember a boy who cold me a diety pickle joke. Ie was the fst cue I had as to what sex as al about I remember when my father would say “Keep your hands out from under the covers” 25 he sid goodnight. But he said i in a nice vay. T remember when I thought cha ifyon di anything bad, policemen would pat you in jl T remember one very cold and black night fon the beach alone with Frank O'Hara. He ran into the ocean naked and ie scared me to death Tremember lightning. remember wild red poppies in ely I remember selling blood every three sonths on Second Avene. remember a boy Tonce made love with and after i was all over he asked me if T believed in God. 1 remember when T thought that anything ‘ld was very valuable remember Bick Bony T remember when I thonght thie Betty Grable was beautiful T remember shen Uthonight that T was great ait I remember when I wanted to be rich and famous. (And I sell do} remember when Thad a job cleaning outan fold man’s apartment who had died. Among his belongings wasa very old photograph of a naked young boy pinned t0 an eld pair of young boy's Underwear. For many years he was the choir slireecor at church, He had no fumilyor relatives. remembers bey who worked foran under= taker afier school. He was a very good tp dancer. He invited me to spend the nighe with him one day. His mother was divorced. and somewhat of a cheap blond in appearance. I remember that his mother caught us innocently ‘wrestling out in the yard and she got very mad She told him never to do that aguin, I realized ‘hat something was going on that [ knew noth- ing about. We were ten of eleven years ald. was never invited back. Yeats lates in high school, he caused a big seandal when a love: letter he had writen to another boy was found. He then quit School and worked fll time for the undertaker. One day Tran into him on the street and hestarted telling me about a big room with les of bers where all the undertaker employees slept ‘We said that each bed had a lite white tent in the morning, [excused myself and said goodbye, ‘Several hours later T figured out what he had meant. Early morning erections. T remember when I worked in a snack bar and how nnich I hated pengle who ordered malts Trememberwhen T worked fora department is, store doing fashion drawings for newspaper 1 remember Prank O'Hara’ walle Light and sas. With a slight bounce and a slight tit. Te was a beautiful walle Confident. “I don‘ eate” and sometimes “T know you are looking.” [remember four Alice Esty concerts Santa Claus in a school 1 remember Beverly who had a very small cross tattooed an her arm. remember Miss Peabody, my grade school libearan 1 remember Miss Fly, my grade school sei ence teacher, T remember a very poor hoy who had 1 wear his sisters blowses to school Tremember Easter suits Lreinember aff 2. And the way it sounded, L remember my collection of Nova Scotia amples and travel information, L remember my collection of “Modes because..." magazine ads | remember my fathers collection of arrow heads T remember 2 1949 red Ford convertible we once ha I remember The Pas of Prtie Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale [remember “four o'elocks.” (A flower that closes t four.) 1 remember trying to visualize my mother and father actually Fucking T remember 4 cartoon of a painter painting from a naked mosel (hack view) and’ on his ‘canvas was a picture ofa Parker House roll, remember my grandfather who lived on afarm dunking his cornbread in his buttermilk He did't like to tall Tremémber the outhouse and a Sears and Roebaitk citalog to wipe of with 1 remember animal smells and very cold water on your fice in the morning. I remember how heavy the eombread was, [remember erépe paper roses. Old eaten drs, And cow patties. remember when in grade sthool you gave a salentine ao every person in your dass in fear ‘hat sole might give you one that you didnt avon fo. temember when ork green walls were popula ‘Themember driving through the Ozarks and all he gife shops we didnt stop at 1 remember home-room mothers, | remember being 2 safety guard and wear- white strap. T remember “Hazel” in The Satay Evening Post. T remember ringworms, And name tgs. remember always lsing one glove. T remember loafers with pennies in them, remember Dr. Pepper. And Royal Crown Cola Tremember those brown fur pieces with lit. te et nd ig ond ie rememg.8Suave™ hair cream. (Pale peachy remember house shoes, plaid anne bath | robes, and “Casper” the Friendly Ghost, remember pop beads T remember “come-as-you-are” parties Everybody cheated. i remember cls. Welcome” mats. And Avon ladies. Trem or drfowood lamps remember reading once about a lly who choked to death eating a piece of tea