D wn the Drain

Our Special Halloween Edition!

Volume 3 Issue 9 Whole Number 33

October 2015

American Association of Ghosts, Ghouls, Goblins and

Helpers of America set to hold annual meeting in
Washington, D.C.
By Homer Bogart
National Affairs Reporter
The
American
Association of Ghosts,
Ghouls, Goblins and
Helpers of America is set
to hold its annual meeting
in Washington, D.C.,
beginning on 19 October.
Items on this years
agenda
include
a
resolution to admit the
ghost of Bela Lugosi as a
lifetime member of the
organization.
The
resolution is expected to
pass by a unanimous voice
vote.
Also on this years
agenda is a proposed
amendment to the
AAGGG and H of As
constitution that would
open membership to
individuals from other
countries and that, if
passed, would change the
name of the organization
to the International
Brotherhood of Ghosts,
Ghouls, Goblins and
Helpers of the World.
The
proposed
amendment is expected to
face opposition, however,

from members who are

concerned the AAGGG
and H of A would be
lowering its standards by
such a move.
A leading opponent of
the amendment, Jack
dLantern told Down the
Drain in an exclusive
interview that The
AAGGG and H of A does
not have the resources to
fully
investigate
applications originating in
other countries.
DLantern said he is not
opposed in principle to the
idea of international
membership, but that
Authenticity is the
backbone of the AAGGG
and H of As integrity. We
must be absolutely sure
we have some mechanism
in place to verify the
credentials of those
applying for membership
from other countries, and
at present no such
mechanism in place.
The amendment as it
now stands, he added,
Would allow every Tom,
Dick and Hairy Werewolf
to be admitted to the
AAGGG and H of A

Local, state and federal

authorities continue their
investigation into the
break-in and ransacking of
Down the Drains offices,
an event some are calling
the worst case of
vandalism ever seen in
Las Vegas.
INTERPOL and MI6 are
also reportedly assisting in
the investigation, though a
report that Rocky and
Bullwinkle were to be
consulted have been
proven wrong.
The
Las
Vegas
Met ropol i t an P ol i ce
Department reports they
have several promising
leads which they are
vigorously pursuing,
though a highly placed
source inside Metro has
told Down the Drain that
the task force assigned to
the case is still waiting on

several forensic reports

from the crime scene.
The same source also
told Down the Drain that
among the suspects being
investigated is a group
calling itself The Gang of
Four + 1, who, under the
name of the Gang of Four,
are thought to be
responsible for last
summers string of

INSIDE
THIS ISSUE

HALLOWEEN
COSTUMES TO DIE
FOR! WEVE GOT
THE PICS!

THE GRAVE DANGER

OF EATING TOO
MUCH PUMPKIN PIE!
WHAT THE
EXPERTS SAY!

HALLOWEEN ON LAS
VEGAS BOULEVARD!
THEY ONLY COME
OUT AT NIGHT!
PLUS

Members of the Executive Board of the American

Association of Ghosts, Ghouls, Goblins and Helpers of
America sit for a photo prior to this years executive
session.
without proof of actual
ability.
That
is
unacceptable
Some proponents of the
amendment have privately
admitted that the
membership for foreign
applicants
should
probably be strengthened,
and that they are willing to
work with the opposition
in drafting changes to the
actual amendment itself or
to offer an amendment to
the amendment.
Hard core opponents of

KEVIN KOSTNERS
GREATEST HORROR
FILMS

the amendment, however,

the so-called Bindlestiff
faction
of
the
organization, say they will
fight the amendment, no
matter what.
Meanwhile, the General
Conclave and Confab of
the AAGGG and H of A is
meeting informally prior
to convening to discuss
the organizations annual
plans and goals for
making this Halloween the
scariest and most
frightening ever.

portable toilet thefts.

We would love to get
our hands on them, our
source told Down the
Drain. They are a vicious
and dangerous group that
knows no boundaries.
They held portable toilets
for ransom. That just
about says it all.
Other suspects include a
possibly rogue female ex-

THE HAUNTED
CASTLES OF
PAHRUMP

ARE YOU

REALLY
GOING TO EAT THAT?

ALL THIS AND MORE!

RIGHT HERE! RIGHT
NOW! IN THIS
MONTHS EDITION OF
DOWN THE DRAIN!

But seriously, folks,

Investigation continues into Down the Drain offices

vandalism
By Marlow Archer
Crime Beat Reporter

USDA inspector, two

fraternity brothers from
Utah and a gamer who
specializes in black
market Frogger disks.
In addition, the search
continues for Bella Donna
Lovelace, Down the
Drains disgraced and
missing gossip columnist,
(Continued on page 2)

(702) 876-5969

Pentagon Plumbings
service technicians
are available 24
hours a day, seven
days a week, and
unlike some other
companies, theres no
extra charge for
those after hours and
weekend calls!

We do:

10% OFF

Total On Any Toilet Repair!

The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!)
This coupon is valid only on future repairs and cannot be
used on prior charges. This coupon cannot be combined
with any other offers or discounts or promotions. This
coupon is not valid on calls for estimates or evaluations.
This coupon has no cash value. This coupon must be
presented at time of service. And finally (whew) only
one coupon per customer, please. This coupon expires
10-31-2015. Pentagon Plumbing NV License #58722.

If youre looking for

fast, professional,
courteous service for
your plumbing needs
please give us a call.

Call today to
schedule an
appointment!

702-876-5969

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Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
NV License #58722
Happy Halloween, and remember what the dormouse said!.

Call us today!
876-5969

Down the Drain, October 2015

Page 2

Adventures, letters,

Last
month:
Chip
arrives for his nine
oclock appointment and
discovers a strange
plaque mounted on the
wall next to the doors.
I looked at the plaque
again. Deeply engraved
into the brass below the
double-headed eagle were
the words Embassy of The
Royal Ki ngdom of
Transylvania,
Never heard of it, I
thought, but what do I
know?
I looked around for an
intercom or a doorbell and
found the doorbell off to
the right side of the
plaque. Someone had used
a black marker to turn it
into a smiley face with the
doorbell button as the
nose.
Cute.
I pushed the button and
immediately jumped when
a klaxon let loose inside
the house and a bolt of
lightning discharged way
too close for my comfort.
I waited. The klaxon
continued to aOOOOga,
aOOOga.
I was just about to push
the button again when the
two massive carved doors
groaned on their hinges
and opened.
A small man stood
between the doors. He had
white hair and wore a
handlebar moustache, a
crooked bow tie, a threepiece suit and white spats.
He looked me up and
down as though I were
some strange being the
storm had deposited at the
entryway of the Embassy
of the Royal Kingdom of
Transylvania.
He said nothing.
I cleared my throat and
said, Hi. Im Chip
Carpenter, the plumber.
A few seconds rolled by
and then he stepped back,
opening the left side of the
double doors wide enough
for me to enter.
So I entered.
To be continued...

The Birthday
Box

Your opinion counts!

A life in the
day of a
plumber
By CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber

advice and more!

Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:
I read with a great deal
of outrageousness about
the vandalage that was an
occurrence in your official
abodeage of business and
that was the subject of
your reportage in last
months issuance of your
newsletter.
I write to say that my
sincerest hopeage is that
the
authoritative
personages responsible for
the
investigative
introspection into this
particular
act
of

criminalage will soon

make apprehendage of any
and all of the dumbthunks
whose perpitratage of this
act of criminalage is an
insultage to all your
readers, fans and all the
law abiding citizenage of
the world.
H. fitzHugh
18th Baronage of Loch
Ness,
Kiltage, Scotland
To the Editor:
For a nominal fee I,
Vinnie Lumbago, can

supply you with the names

and addresses of certain
individuals who can be
arrested without problem
for
vandalizing
and
ransacking your offices.
Now if you want the
individuals to actually be
guilty of those crimes, that
will cost you a bit more
because that will require
more work on my part.
The fee is negotiable, but
not too much. Just let me
know. Eh, eh, eh.
Vincent A. Lumbago,
Black Mountain, Nevada

Back by popular demand!

Ask Uncle Vlad!

Dear Uncle Vlad,
I desperately need
someone who can do a
chalk drawing for me for a
birthday party I will be
having soon for my
grandson, but I cant find
anyone locally who does
chalk drawings.
Can you help, please?
Desperate Grandmother,
Henderson, Nevada
Dear Desperate Grandmother,
You Americans and your
silly chalk drawing! Ha ha
ha!
In Mother Country we do

not allow such things as

chalk drawings. We think
they very subversive and
too easily erased before
authorities can break
down door to confiscate
them.
Unlike your decadent
capitalist society, in
Mother Country we
require all artists be
approved by Glorious
Ministry of Art and also
licensed by state.
Artists must also paint
with oil paint produced
only in Mother Country
on finest canvas produced
only in Mother Country.

Subject of painting must

also be approved by
Glorious Ministry of Art.
Glorious Ministry of Art
never approve subversive
thing as chalk drawing.
If you require list of
approved and licensed
artists in Mother Country
to supply your name day
celebration
with
appropriate art, Glorious
Ministry of Art will
provide such list if request
submitted
through
embassy of Mother
Country in your decadent
American capital of
Washington, D.C.

(Continued from page 1)

Investigation continues
who the task force now
describes as a person of
interest.
Meanwhile, the cleanup
continues at Down the
Drains prestigious world
headquarter, and
the
newsletter will continue to
be
published
and
distributed from the
offices of Down the
Drains
sister
publications, the Las
Vegas Tattler and The
Clark County Night
Crawler.
Construction
and
Building Correspondent
Roger Red Tag, who is
supervising the cleanup
and restoration, said he
thinks it will be close to

Thanksgiving before the

offices are completely
ready and staffers will be
able to move back in,
Thou gh wh y t h at
matters, he added, Is a
mystery to me since the
entire editorial staff and
most of the reporters
(present
company
excepted, of course) spend
their days and much of
their nights over at
Oscars arguing over who
played the most heroic
role in discovering the
vandalism.
Anyone
having
information about the
break-in and vandalism of
Down the Drains offices
is encouraged to call their

local law enforcement

agency or the FBI.
Down the Drain is
offering a 100 drachma
reward for information
leading to the arrest and
conviction of the
individual or individuals
responsible for this crime.

Wanted to Buy
Frogger game on
5 1/4 or 3 1/2 diskette
for Microsoft 386, 486,
Windows 3.11 or
Windows 95 operating
system
Respond to
Alice Hashtag c/o of
this publication

A special happy
birthday wish
goes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon Plumbing
to
Any of our
faithful readers
who happen to
have a birthday in
October
Boo!
So go celebrate!
Yaaaaaay!

Down the Drain

is owned, operated,
imagined, inspired,
created, written,
produced, published and
copyrighted 2014 by
Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
However, permission is
granted by Pentagon
Plumbing, Inc. to
redistribute this
newsletter at will with
proper attribution.
For advertising rates,
queries, submissions and,
of course, service
requests, call, write or
email Pentagon
Plumbing, Inc. using the
contact information
below.
To unsubscribe to this
newsletter, please send an
email to:
james@
pentagonplumbingnv.com
with the word
unsubscribe in the subject
line. Well cry when we
do it, but we promise
well take you off our
subscription list.
5125 W. Oquendo Rd.,
Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV
89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969
Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@
pentagonplumbingnv.com

Down the Drain

Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
Copy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere
Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag
Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al Gore
Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by
The Group for the Advanced Study of
Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies
and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale Princeton
Construction and Building Correspondent
Roger Red Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer
Environmental Correspondent
Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia Impasto
Food Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace
(current whereabouts still unknown)

History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus

International Affairs Correspondent
Mac The Knife Machiavelli
Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke
Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd
Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly
National Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart
Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse Noel
Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna
Fashion Advisor The Gaga
Relationship Advisor Taylor Swift
Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho Marx
In-House Therapist Lady Heather
Photo Editing by
The Cutting Edge Scissors Company
and
Elwoods All-Purpose Glue

Rehabilitation Services Provided by

The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of
Wickenburg, Arizona
Leftovers Provided by
Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium
Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye
Dog Whisperer Toto Baskerville
Jewelry by Jodie
Makeup by Gor-Don
Hair by Mr. Clean
Mani-pedis by
The Cats Meow Veterinary Clinic
Musical Soundtrack by
Cyndi Lauper
Emilie Autumn
The Pretty Reckless
Hole
Strawberry Switchblade
and
Alison Sudol