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    Abbott and Costello dialog

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    103 views28 pages

    Abbott and Costello Dialog

    Uploaded by

    rambling
    Conversation between 2 men

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
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    of 28
    WORK NBO Ww ry A, vebrur (REHEARSAL DRAFT) THE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO PROGRAM FOR CAMELS CIGAR Constance Bennett, Guest Star 1943 10:00-20:50 Pom, MUSIC: BAND: WALLINGYON: MUSTO: WALLINGTON: MUSIC: PERFIDIA THEME CoA. Ms Es Le 6S! Camels! The cigarette that's first in the service presents.-for its second program from New York City-- THE ABBOT? AND COSYHLLO PROGRAMS UP AND UNDER: With the mic of Freddie Rich and his Orchestra, the songs of Connie Haines, tonight's guest ~ Miss Constance Bennett, and starring: BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO! UP 10 FINISH: (APPLAUSE) $98 6575 FIRST SPov COSTELLO: ABBOTT : COSTELLO: ABBOT : COSTELLO: ABBOT? : COSTELLO: ABBOT? + COSTELLO: ABBOTT: COSTELLO: ABBOTT: COSTELLO: ABBOTT: Hey Abbot-t-t-t-t! Costello! Here you are, late as usual. J thought you vere coming back from Washington with me, after the President's Birthday Ball? I was, Abbott - but I stopped off et the White House. I walked up the steps.,rang the front door bell - the door opened...and boy, was I surprised! What happened? Bleanor was hom You know, T met Mrs Roosevelt, too -- isn't she & wonderful person? You said it, Abbott -- she introduced me to a couple of senators, and I learned a big military secret. (ASIDE) Did you know that the United Nations are planning to open up @ second rear?? You mean a second fron’ No - REAR! - we're planning to give Hitler a kick in the FRANCE! Did you have any fun at the Birthday Bell? Yeah, we pleyed a yonderful game, Abbott -- we put a picture of ie the floor, and everybody danced around it} What's that game called? Ring around the rodent! Well, playing games is all right, but your conduct at the dinner was terrible, What was the idea of giving Governor Dewey a hotfoot? - did he say anything? 998% 6seTs 3- COSTELLO: I'll say - it was the first time a Republican ever made a fireside chat: ABBOTT After that, none of the Hollywood crowd would have anything to do with you, All you did for the rest of the night was lean against W,C.Fields! COSTELLO: (MEEKLY) ‘That's right, Abbott! ABROP?: What did Bill Fields do after you left him? COSPHLLO: He fell downt ABBOTT: Well, you must admit one thing, Costello ~~ down in Washington everybody is nice and friendly. COSTELLO: | Yeah, and they 41) talk with Southern accents! I walked up to one guy and said - Well, SHUT MAH MOUTH! - and he did! ABROTE ou, deserved,it+_the-way-you-aeted-down--there.was disgraceful! COSPELLO:.....I8. that sot. What about wouy.Abbott?.-.-I-~sa¥—you..on Pennsylvania Avenue winking at.o.girls “ABBOTT: T wasn't winking! It was windy and something got~tn ‘ty yet —SOSTELLG1-——Bhe- pot-in—-your-van, too! ABROPPr———-Ohy-you'ne just. jealousl Didn't you baye..2.good.time th Washington? GOSTELLO:....... bverything, but. the accomodations s--Boy;-was-my -hote]. cnowded .nJ.think..thens-was-somebedy~eise-sieepin'. in my room! ABBOTT: ..... -What-made-you-think-s0?: 4980 6S6Ig ye COSTELLO: .Jihen.1.t90k..e.bath,.there .weve.thnee-hends-serubbing my ARBOR iscn sine COSTELLO: SMBBOT Sen OGSTELLO: WALLINGTON: COSTELLO: ABBOTT: WALLINGTON : COSTELLO: ABBOTT: COSTELLO: ABBOT : WALLINGTON: COSTELLO: beck} That's, rAdiculous!..Tt- ween't-that crowded} No kiddin', Abbott ~ everytime the bellhop -opened.the Geory.-the..door.knob-got..in-bed with medyveT~eouldn! t stand it any longer, so-I finally-compleined to the Manager, and he gave me the Blue-Room, The Blue.Room?.. where's. that? Under the.desk,..with ae leaky inkwell}.. (I SHOULD HAVE BLOUED--THAR-JOKE!) ., (FADES IN, BIG SMILE) Well, good evening boys ~ how ere you tonight! Oh, it's Jimmy Wallington} Hello, Jimmy...say, we looked for you down at the President's Birthday Ball. Couldn't you make it? Well, no, Bud -- you see, I'ma great sports enthusaist, so I spent the week-end at Lake Plahcid. oi You dope, that's the way cultured people talk. Don't Lake Plal 2 Hey Abbott, what kinda talk is that) you think Jimmy sounds polished? He sounds 1ike he's eens Ce i Badd yg , Oh, quiet! Tell me, Jimmy, what did you do up at Lake Plaheid? Oh, I spent most of the time exercising in the gymnahzium! GYMNAHZIUM: Abbott, how do those phoney words come out from under that guy's musteche! B98L ESTs WALLINGTON: COSTELLO! ABBOT: WALLINGTON: COSTELLO: Leave my mustache out of this! Do you think I'm putting on the dogt You look like you swallowed the dog and left the tall hanging out! Oh, keep still! - I want to hear more about this gymahziumt Yes, Bud - you see there's nothing like a gymnahzium to build up the human bodey! You said it - it sure deveelops the moosels! ~-ABBOPTT——-S$0n US KIDe LiiinodnbhomMey Haddington balioneionjtet happens.t0..HaVea-boad—lily -COSTELLOL... He better ,2et.beck.to.the-gymnahziumd. WALLINGTON: COSTELLO ABBOT? : COSTELLO: ABBOTT; COSTELLO: SOUND: ABBOTT: SOUND: MINNIE: ABBOTT: You may scoff at my exercising, Costello - but I was @ rowing champion in college. I can show you a picture of me, sitting in my scull! Neat trick 1f you can do it} COSTELLO! He thinks he's strong) Hey Wallington, here's a picture of me and my nurse, taken when I was two years old! Wait a minute -- how come the nurse it sitting on your Jeph Shows you what a man I was at two! (KNOCK ON DOOR) COME IN! (DOOR OPENS) (LouD) Hiya fells, y'know what I mean! Say Costello, look - it's Mrs Niles sister, Minnie. 698L 6SPTS COSTELLO: ABBOTT: MINNIE: MINNIE: COSTELLO: ABBOTT : MINNIE: ABBOT" COSTELLO: ABBOTT : MINNIE: COSTELLO: ABBOTT: MINNIE: 6+ Another dumbbell from the gymnahzium! Now don't say that, Costello ~ Minnie looks very smart tonight! Yeah - I'm wearin! my hour-glass gown! An hour-gless gown on a beer-glass figure! Hey, this gown is a hundred years old! What did you do - make it yourself! Costello, please! Costello, my mother gave me this dress on my sixteenth birthday! - y'imow whet I meant It held together better than you é1d, y!know what I mean! Minnie, don't pay any attention to Costello! It takes all Kinds of people to make a world! He oughta go somewhere and make a world of his own!.. I don't care if he likes me - I'm the Lana Turner of Brooklyn, y'know what I meant You are? Yeah, she's @ sweat-shirt girl! Will you stop talking like that! Minnie, I think you're very attractive - and your perfume smells so nice! But I don't use perfume, No - she uses Flit! By the way, Minnie - how did all your friends like you on the program last week! They thought it was wonderful - they all chipped in and sent a basket of fruit to my dressing room! You're lucky you weren't there when it exploded! LL 6spTs ABBOTT: COSTELLO: ABBOTT : COSTELLO: MUSIC: 1 COSTELLO} Why do you insult pgople? Why do you meke people look small? Sometimes you even make me look That ain't true, Abbott -- in Washington I told some fellow what a big man you are} I told 'im how much you made, about all the property you own, about those stocks and bonds -- I told the guy you were loaded with dough! That's wonderful, Who'd you tel] all that to? THE INCOME TAX COLLECTOR! : PLAYOFF} (APPLAUSE) TL8L 6SbTS osnon) woe CHORUS : One Whe WMG 1OM: / oe VOrCH: “ ONY a customers,” bhivley Osborn, wae helps build the nose scetions for those big B-24 Liberator bombers, ile thousands of other war workers, Shirley Osborn smolzes Camels. She's said, QUOTE -- I stick to Camels always, No matter how often I smole them, Camelo never tire my taste or wear out their weleome, And they're easy on my throat, too! UNQUOTE, Yes, and Camels are first with men 4n the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard, according to actual sales records in the stores where they / spend their own money for cigarettes, Remember that and next time you're sending a carton to camp remember it next time you want to smoke a better cigarcttc yourself, You'll lite Camel's flavor, the extra flavor that helps Camels to hold up, keep from going flat, no matter how many you smoke, And you!) be glad that in Camels, mildness gocs along with flavor, for Camels arc slow-burning and cool-smoling. For steady smoking pleasure, sticl to Camels, the cigarctte that's made of costlicr ccos, expertly plendedl Your throat and your taste will tell youl O-A-M-B-L-S1 Camels! Remember you can still send Camels to Army personnel in the United States, and to men in the Navy, Marines, or Coast Guard wherever they arc. The Post Offiec rule against mailing packages applics ZLeL 6STS only to those sent to men in the overseas Army. MUSEC: WALILNGON § -10- "BUGLE CALL RAG" ~ HOLD UNDER: Herc's Frcddic Rich and the orchestra to give ovt with a super special arrangement of an oldie -- "Bugle Call Ragi" (APPLAUSE) EL8L 6SbTS . 0 o2le ABBOW!: (FADES IN) Look, Cpetcljo, therc!s aq use arguing tote Me Bee 4 adate Veues not going ~ fith Constance cones OMe Mave dle. 4 COSSIIIO: But gcc, Abbott-- ABBOU Quiet! Ttve got to call her and arrange things. Loo't up her number in the phone booff

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