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    30 views45 pages

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    Michelle Sun
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    of 45
    No. 1 Gis. No. 2 ALBERT. Rose. ALBERT. Rosie. ALBERT. PROLOGUE “Overture” Girls) Through a window, we see Conran Brote, in shadow, dancing and singing. A group of TeeNs are staring into the window mesmerized. We love you, Conrad, Oh, yes we do. We love you, Conrad, And we'll be true. When you're not near us, We're blue. Oh, Conrad, We love . SCENE ONE “Opening Curtain” (Orchestra) Action changes to the OFFICE OF ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. Avpert is talking on the phone. (on the phone) ... know that, sir, but think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the American teenager! ... No, I am not suggesting the boy doesn’t want to go into the Army! ... Two weeks from today’ Apert hangs up as Roste briskly enters. Rosie, thank goodness you've come! This is the end of Almaelou Music Corporation! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! He'll be there. And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting her resignation. Rost slaps a letter down on his desk. Hah? 1 just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert. Rosie, you can’t! Not today of all days! ee. Au Roi ALE Ros ALBI Rost ALBE Rosn ALBEL Rose ALBEE No. Rost. A.zert frantically looks through his desk drawers. ‘Auuerr. — My pills, where are my pills ... the little white ones I take when I’m overwrought. Rowse. Here. Auserr, — Not so much. Break it in half. Rosier. You're thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. AuneRr takes the aspirin as Rosie starts pouring him a glass of water. My mind is made up. I’ve been with Almaelou eight years now and for what? A five- dollar raise in 1954. I want something more than that. Auaert. — Rosie, if you're referring to anything of a more permanent nature between you me, I’m not ready for it. And if it’s part of the company you're after, the answer is no to that too. Almaelou is me, Mama, and Lou ... And any change in it would kill that wonderful woman, Rose. Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. Except maybe a silver bullet! Auperr. And I won't drop poor old Lou either. He loved you, Rose! Rostz. _I loved Lou, too, but he died six years ago and, besides, he was a wire-haired terrier. Anyhow, I don’t want a part of the company. This is something much more important... Aunert. Rosie, if you're going to discuss what I think you're going to discuss, I’m in no mood to it. Rosie. _There’s nothing to discuss, Albert. Conrad Birdie’s going in the Army; I’ve quit. There’s nothing you can do but give up the business and go back to college and get your ... Ausert. Rosie, I’m up to my ears in debt! Conrad’s got a fifty-thousand dollar guarantee which I can’t pay. And I’ve just taken a severe overdose of aspirin “An English Teacher” (Rosie) Roste. Will you listen to me, Albert ... I’m serious! (sung) His going in the Army Is the best thing he could do! Now you're free to start to do What you wanted to, Albert! Albert! Al - bert! Rosie. (continued) ALBERT. Rosie. Aunerr. Rosie. Apert. Rose. ALBERT. Rosie. | remember how you told me | should trust you for a year, It would just be for a year, But it's eight years, Albert! Eight tong years, Albert! Rosie, it takes time to build a busi Itwas only a sideline, That's what you said, You just needed some money, That's what you said You were going to college, And get ahead, Instead of being a music bus'ness bum, You were going to N.Y.U. and become Don’t say it, Rosie! (shouting down the hall) An English teacher!!! Rosie! And furthermore, he wrote poetry! Rose, please An English teacher! ‘An English teacher, If only you'd been An English teacher! We'd have a little apartment in Queens, You'd get a summer vacation, ‘And we would know what life means. Aman who's got his Masters Is really someone! How proud I'd be if You had become one! It could have been such a wonderful life I could have been Missus Peterson Missus Albert Peterson, Missus Phi Beta Kappa Peterson, The English teacher's wife. ALE Rost Rost ALBE Rosn ALBE Rost ALBE Rosi ALBE ALBERT. Rost. ALBERT. Rosie. ALBERT. Rosn ALBERT. Rosie, ALBERT. Rosie. ALBERT. Rosie. ALBERT. Rosie. Rose, I'll make a deal with you! Stay with me, help me get the money to pay Conrad’s guarantee, and as soon as I’m out of the red ... I'll dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! Albert, you're on! Rosie goes to her desk, picks up a small file. Pick a name. Pick what name? What are you talking about? All right, I'll do it for you. (she picks a card) ... MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age fifteen, president and recording secretary Conrad Birdie Fan Club Number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (picking up phone) Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio? The number's ... Capitol 7 double eight two oh. And call me right back. Now wait a minute! Who's Kim Whatever her name is? Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what’s going to send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever seen! It’s called “One Last Kiss.” I never heard of it. You haven't written it yet, But when you do and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold Army for two long years and when he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at random, it'll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Are. (now understanding what is happening) We cut the record here in New York ... Take Conrad to Sweet Apple ... Let him kiss the kid And release the record! Albert, you'll make enough money to stay in college the rest of your life. ‘And I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, it’Il be just the two of us Rose! In perfect bliss, (an idea hits him) Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! wonder if anyone used it before. Oh what difference does it make! It'll be great for the song. The phone rings. Rostt. answers it. Yes? Well, every phone in Sweet Apple can’t be busy; what’s going on there? Kim MacAfee just got pinned to who? Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me right back. SCENE TWO JaNcy, ALICE, MARGIE and the other Action changes to Sweet Apple. Hitt Teens are all talking on the phone. No. 4 “The Telephone Hour” (Teens) HELEN. Hi, Nancy! Nancy. Hi, Helen! HELen. What's the story, Morning glory? Nancy. What's the tale, Nightingale? Tell me quick about Hugo and Kim! Auce. Hi, Margie! Marcie. Hi, Alice! What's the story, Morning glory? What's the word, Hummingbird? Have you heard about Hugo and Kim? Heten, Nancy, ALice, MARGIE. Did they really get pinned? Did she kiss him and cry? Did he pin the pin on? Or was he too shy? Well, | heard they got pinned. Freporr & Kari. Yeah, yeah. Hewen, Nancy, ALICE, Marcie. I was hopin’ they would! Freppre & Kart. Uh huh Hen Fret Hew Harv Peney Harv ener Harvi Penet Harv PeNeL Gms. Boys. Gris, Boys. Gis. Boys. Suze. Harve Boys. Hexen, Nancy, ALICE, MARGIE. Now they're livin’ at last. Freppie & Kar. He's gone. Heten, Nancy, Auice, MARGIE. Goin’ steady for good! Harvey. Hello, Mister Henkel, This is Harvey Johnson, Can | speak to Penelope Ann? Penevore. _Is it true about Kim? Harv Penelope. Peetore. _| just knew it somehow! Harvey, About the prom. Penevore. | must call her right up. | Harvey. Saturday? Penetore. —_| can't talk to you now! Girts. Goin’ steady Boys. You know it! Man! Guts, Goin’ steady Boys. It’s crazy! Man! Girts. Goin’ steady Boys. You know it! ff Suze. It won't last! Not at all! He's too thin! She's too tall! Harvey. Hello, Missus Miller This is Harvey Johnson, Can | speak to Debra Sue? Hiya, Hugo! Bovs. (continued) Gms. Boys. Gms. Boys. Gris. Boys. Grats. Harvey. Some Giets. Orne Ginis. Some Ginis. Orner Giris. Some Grats. Orner Giri ALL Ginis. Boys. Gms. Hiya, Stupid! What ja wanna Go get pinned for? Well, | heard they got pinned! Hey, ya meathead! | was hopin’ they would! Lost your marbles? Now they're livin’ at last! Are ya nutty? Goin’ steady for Hello, Missus Garfein Is Charity home from school yet? Did they really get pinned? Goin’ steady! 1 was hopin’ they would. Goin’ steady! Now they're livin’ at last! . Goin’ steady! Goin’ steady for good. If you gotta go That's the way to go! When they got ya hooked Some Giris. Ooo Then you're really cooked Ooh! Whatcha gonna do! Ooo Whatcha gonna do! Ooh! Well, | heard they got pinned! Bos. Oh man! Iwas thinking they would! Oh man! Now they're livin’ at last! Oh man! Goin’ steady for good! 2 ALL. No. Guus. (continued) Ginis & Boys. Gms. Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Steady for good! Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Steady for good! He's in love with Kim, Kim's in love with him! Weh-ell Well. Doo ~ 00 - 00 Tell! Weh-ell Well. Doo — 00 - 00 Tell! That's the way it should be! They'll be happy, | know! Goin’ steady’s for me. That's the way it should go! Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady! Oh ... yeah! Boys. (continued) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh buh dee doo, Uh doo wah, Uh doo Doo wah Ooh bud dee Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Steady for good! Goin’ steady, Goin' steady, Goin’ steady, Steady for good! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady, Steady for good! Goin’ steady, Goin’ steady! “The Telephone Hour (Playoff)” (Orchestra) SCENE THREE We are in Kim's ROOM at the MacAvees’ HOUSE. Kin is talking on the phone to URsULA. Usuta. _Kim MacAfee, what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club! I mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all social life! Km. I'm sorry, Ursula, but my mind’s made up. Of course, I'll still play his records, but things like the Pledge and the Conrad Birdie Scream are past me now. Ursuta. You're giving up the scream? You mean when to go AAAAAAAAAI. Oh, Kim. mnrad Birdie sings you're not going Mas. MacAree. (calls to Kis from offstage) Kim Dear, would you please get off the phone. I've got some calls to make. Mrs Kim. (calling down to Mrs. MacAree) All right, Mother! (back into the phone) Sorry, Ursula, I’ve got to bang up. Ku Ursuta. I mean really, Kim, are you absolutely sure? Mas. Kim. Positive. After all, I’m fifteen years old and it’s time I settled down. kre No. 6 “How Lovely To Be A Woman” (Kim) Mas, km (sung) When you're a skinny child of fourteen Wired with braces from ear to ear, You doubt that you could ever be appealing Then hallelujah! You are fifteen And the braces disappear And your skin is smooth and clear And you have that happy, grown-up, female feeling! How lovely to be a woman! The wait was well worthwhile, How lovely to wear mascara, And smile a woman's smile. How lovely to have a figure That's round instead of flat, Whenever you hear boys whistle Kim, (continued) You're what they're whistling at! It's wonderful to feel The way a woman feels, It gives you such a glow Just to know You're wearing lipstick and heels. How lovely to be a woman, And have one job to do: To pick out a boy and train him, And then when you are through, You've made him the man you want him to be Life's lovely when you're a woman like me! As the song ends, we hear Mrs. MacArte’s voice. Mrs. MacAree. (entering) Kim, there’s a call for you. The operator said she’s been trying to get through for nearly three-quarters of an hour! Kim. Thank you Doris. I'll take it down here. Mrs. MacAree. What did you say? Kim, I said, thank you Doris. There is no need to look so upset. It’s modem to call your mother by her first name. ‘Mars. MacAree. And your father? Kim, L'll call him Harry, naturally. By the way, I think Harry took the news about Hugo and Tawfully well, don’t you, Doris? Kim picks up the phone as Mrs. MACAFéE leaves. This is she ... Conrad Birdie is coming here ... to kiss me? (Kim looks around for her mother) Doris? (a bit louder) Mother? (a shout) Mommy! ‘Mrs, MAcAFEe comes running back in. Mrs. MacAree, Baby, what is it?! What’s wrong?! km. It’s Conrad Birdie, Mommy. He’s coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me goodbye! Mars. MacAree. That's nice dear. Now just put your head on Mommy's shoulder. Mrs. MacAree comforts Kim, then looks up to the sky. God bless you, Conrad Birdie. No. 7 Avner. Gis. ALBERT. Gr 1. ALBERT. No. 8 (sung) Gray skies are gonna clear up, SCENE FOU an “Penn Station Transition” (Orchestra) At the TRAIN STATION. Avaert is leading the Teen Conus singing the Birdie Song. Now let’s go over the Birdie Song once more before we go down to the train. ALBE We love you, Conrad, Oh, yes we do! We love you, Conrad, And we'll be true! When you're not near us, We're blue! Oh, Conrad, We love you! ALberr notices a Sap Girt. sitting all alone. He stops the singing. He crosses towards her. ALBEL You can sing with us if you want No response. ‘Ause Oh she’s just sad because Conrad’s going into the Army and she'll be too old for him when he gets out I think she has a few good years left. (10 the Sap Gut) Hi. I'm Albert Peterson, ‘Aunen Conrad’s manager. (no reaction) Things can’t be that black! Smile! ... Please? “Put On A Happy Face” (Albert & Teen Chorus) Put on a happy face! Brush off the clouds and cheer up, Put on a happy face! Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy, It’s not your style! You'll look so good that you'll be glad Ya decided to smile! ALBERT. (continued) Pick out a pleasant outlook! Stick out that noble chin! Wipe off that full-of-doubt look! Slap on a happy grin! And spread sunshine all over the place! Just put on a happy face! Atoerr & TEEN Cuorus. Put on a happy face! Put on a happy face! Atperr and the TreNs continue to do all they can to get her to smile. Eventually she does. A luggage cart is pushed onto the stage by someone we can't see. And if you're feeling cross and bickerish, Don't sit and whine! Think of banana splits and licorice And you'll feel fine! ALBERT. | knew a girl so gloomy She'd never laugh or sing! ‘She wouldn't listen to me, Auert & TeEN Cuorvs. 1 Now she’s a mean old thing! i So spread sunshine alll over the place, Just put on a happy face! Ausert. — There's our luggage. You better get down to Track Twelve if you want to see Conrad before he goes. The Sa Girt. and TEENS exit Would you get that stuff down to Track Twelve on the double ... (Rosie appears from behind ihe cart) Rosie! What are you doing? Rosie, _ Getting our things to the station without any help from you, Albert, Atsert, — Rose, I'm sorry. I don’t suppose a generous tip would make things up ... Roste. _Just go down to that train before any of those reporters talk to Conrad alone, Auserr, I’ve got to wait here for Mama, em. Rosie. Have you told her about dissolving Almaelou? Mes. Aunert. — I couldn’t Rosie. Yesterday was the anniversary of Lou being hit by a milk truck on Auses 181* Street and Broadway. Mrs. PETERSON enters. Mrs. Perersox. YOOOOHOOOO!!!! YOOHOO! Sonny! Mrs. Aunert. — Mama! What’s the matter? Mrs. Pererson. Don’t worry about me, Sonny. I’m just a little faint, from the subway .. Aue Auaert, — Mama, I told you to take a taxi. Mrs. Mas. Perersoy. Taxi! What do I need with taxis? I'll leave the taxis for my successful son, A ‘mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of people who wouldn’t give you a seat if your life depended on it, but what’s the difference; nowadays a mother is lower than dirt anyway. (looks at Rosi) Who’s she? Rost Auaert. Mama, you know Rose Alvarez from the office. 7 ALBEE Mrs. Pererson. This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? I can’t believe it. Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? Ros Rosie. Excuse me, Albert; I think Ill go see if Conrad is here. Pouc Before Rosie can exit, Mrs. PETERSON puts her arm around Roste’s Auer shoulder. Mrs. Pererson. Look at her, Sonny. How nice she looks. It’s a wonder to me some older man doesn’t snatch her up. A personable matron like that with brains and a few dollars. Goodbye, Rose. Rosie. Goodbye, Mae. Mrs. Peterson. Call me Mrs. Peterson. Rost exits: First Aunert. Mama, what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose, Maybe you'd better sit down. Mrs. Peterson. Why? I know my Sonny. He loves his Mama. He isn’t going to say anything that would break her heart. Go ahead, dear ... What about Rose? Ausert. Well, it’s about Lou, too. Mrs. everson. (calls to heaven) Lou. Where are you, Lou? (to ALBERT) What about Lou? Aunert. Well, Mama, Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up Almaelou. ‘Mgrs. PETERSON staggers. What's the matter, Mama? Mks. Peterson. Nothing’s the matter. You killed me, that’s all. (/ooks up) Lou, I’m coming. I'm ‘on my way up. Aunert. — Look Mama, here’s some money. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded. Mrs. PereRsox. Nothing is too crowded for a mother. Wait a minute, how many blocks is it after all? Only a hundred and seven. I°ll walk. (Sue starts to leave) Enjoy yourself, son. Take care, Wear a heavy coat, And eat a hot lunch ... Mas, PETERSON exits as Rosie enters from the opposite side of the stage. Roste. Albert, I thought you were going to break it to her gently. Aunert. Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didn’t tell her at all. I mean, she was so upset ... Rose. You mean you didn’t ... ? Poticeman. He’s coming! He’s coming. Conrad Birdie is coming! Aunert. Later, Rosie! Conrad’s coming and we can’t let him talk to those reporters alone. Screams and cries fill the air. ConRAD BIRDIE and his GUARDSMEN enter ‘surrounded by Kios, RurorTeRs, etc. A REPORTER starts to take his picture, but Conran stops him. All action is suspended as Conrab takes a comb {from his pocket, combs his pompadour and then signals he is ready to pose. Flash bulbs pop. No. 9 “A Healthy, Normal, American Boy” (Albert, Rosie, Reporters, Adults & Teens) Firsr erorreR. Hey, Conrad! How do you feel about going into the Army? Auperr and Roste push their way to the front. ALBERT. (spoken) How does he feel? You ask how he feels? He's much too shy to tell you So I'll tell you how he feels, ALBERT. (continued) (sung) He feels brave and eager! Strangely humble! Proud to be a plain G.l.! Rosie. He will gladly Face those bullets, For he's not afraid to die Teens. For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! Aunert. And that’s why he volunteered for First Rerorter. Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! Secoxp Rerorrer. And he appealed ... three times! Rosie. (to Tees) Sing! TeENs. We love you, Conrad! Oh, yes we do! We love you, Conrad! And we'll be true! When you're not near us, we're blue! Oh, Conrad, we love you! Auperr. — Very nice! Secoxp Rerorrer. What's the pitch on that Hollywood starlet, Conrad? Are you two engaged? Rosie. Is he engaged? Is Conrad engaged? There's absolutely nothing To the rumor he’s engaged! ALBERT. She's a real pal, like a sister, But it doesn’t mean a thing! And the eighteen-carat diamond It was just a friendship ring! Teen: For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! First Revorrer. Then why was her boyfriend so mad? Ausert. — Sing! TEENS. We love you, Conrad! Avsert & Rostr. Oh, beautiful Oh, yes, we do! For spacious skies, We love you, Conrad! For amber waves -m Tran No. Teens. (continued) Aunerr & Rosie (continued) ‘And we'll be true! Of grain Oh, oh Conrad ADULTS. Americal We love you America! We love you, Conrad! God shed his We'll be true Grace on thee ALL. For he's a fine, upstanding, Av'rage, modest, patriotic, Healthy, normal, American, American boy! Tramman. All aboard, 10 “Penn Station To Sweet Apple” (Orchestra) SCENE FIVE SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION, Ursuta. _... Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple! Now before I escort you to the Town Hall where the Mayor himself is waiting, I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon ... and who will now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie Pledge! Kim MacA fee! Tee Giris scamper into position below Ursus, clapping their hands over their hearts. Km & Tren Girts. I, Kim MacAfee (each Girt gives her own name)... being of sound mind and body do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America - both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all! A great cheer, music. UrsuLA leads Conran off, followed by some of the Crown. “Sweet Apple Band” (Orchestra) Aunerr. Rosie, you stay here. I’m going with Conrad! Rost. But Albert Auneet. [ve got to make Conrad’s speech for him! You get the bags, stack ’em, and bring *em to the house. If I see a taxi I'll send it back ... As He starts off: (sung) For he’s a fine upstanding... And Rostt sighs. EveRYoNe ELs® starts to exit as Huco steps forward. Huco. _... Kim, before you go, could I talk to you for a minute? km. Right now? I mean, couldn’t it wait? I'm in an awful hurry! Huco, —_I don’t think so, Kim. It’s important. Denorant Sur. Hugo Peabody, what's so important that you have to talk to her right now? Hvco. (bursting forth) What’s so important? Pll tell you what’s so important! The day after 1 give her my pin she goes around kissing someone else, that’s what's so important! I want you to know I'm quite upset about this. I’ve already had several headaches and a Kim &. ALICE. Aut Gu Kim. ALL Ge nosebleed! ALICE. Hvco. Huco. Kim. ALICE. Kim. ALL Girts, ALL Girts. Why Hugo, I believe you’re actually jealous of Conrad Birdie! Me jealous? I’m the opposite of jealous. I’m very jealous! And I have every right to be. Kim’s my steady! That's just it, Hugo, I’m your steady! Oh I may admire Conrad Birdie as one admires a far-distant and unattainable ideal. But I'm pinned to you, Hugo, and I don’t care how common and ordinary you are, that’s how I’m going to stay! “One Boy” (Kim & Girls) Kim, Atice, Denoran Sur, Heten, Marcie, and Nancy sing as Roste sits on suitcase and quietly listens, You’re not just saying that to make me feel better? One boy, One special boy, One boy to go with, To talk with, And walk with, Kim & Auice. One boy, That's the way it should be. That's the way it should be. One boy, One certain boy, One boy to laugh with, To joke with, Have Coke with, One boy, Not two or three. One day you find out This is what life is all about, You need someone who Is living just for you One boy, One steady boy, One boy to be with, Forever ‘And ever, One boy, That's the way it should be, That's the way it should be. i Hvco, (as music continues) Oh Kim, | feel so much better now! All thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished! Kim, You were silly to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie may be a great public figure but he doesn’t make me feel all dizzy and faint when I think of him. Only my steady does that. Why even when I say his name I don’t feel a thing. Listen, Conrad Birdie! Conrad Birdie. (And it hits her. Huskily:) Conrad Birdie Me As Kim wavers, the Oriiers step down on either side and take her arms. Rosit, in her own world, joins the song. ALL Ginis & Rosie. One boy, Urs One steady boy, Ma One boy to be with, Forever Tw And ever, One boy. That's the way it should be, That's the way it should be, That's the way it should be. Kim, ALice, and Desoran Sur leave, Huco. (still dazed) The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost faint ... (to Rosie) And you heard her, lady! That boy is me! Con And Hoco starts after Kis, Roste, alone, slowly exits “Sweet Apple Station” (Orchestra) May Com May Con SCENE SIX COURTHOUSE STEPS. Conran, the Mayor, and the Mayor's Wire are there. Mayor, And so it is with great pride and prejudice as well as the usual pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you to our fair city and present you with the fourteen- carat solid gold key so generously donated by the men at the Sweet Apple Brass Works. And as I present this key to you, Conrad Birdie Ursuta. (with a wild shriek) AAAH! He said it! He said the name! AAAAAH! Mayor. What happened? Alll I said was Conrad Birdie! Two Gms. AAAAAAH! Mayor. If you girls don’t stop that I can’t finish my speech! Ursuta. (running forward) Who cares about your speech! We want to hear from Conrad! (screams as the Crown shouts approval) ... Speak to us, oh beautiful one! Tell us, how do you make that glorious sound? No. 14 “Honestly Sincere” (Conrad & Teens) Conrap. You gotta be sincere! The Mayor's Wire utters a weak little scream and keels over. Mayor. Edna! What’s the matter? Conrap. You gotta be sincere! Mayor. (trying to revive His Wire) Mr. Birdie, what are you doing? Conran. You gotta feel it here Cause if you feel it here, Well then you're gonna be Honestly sincere! If what you feel is true, (Really feel it) You make them feel it too, (Write this down now!) Conan. (continued) Con You gotta be sincere, Honestly sincere, Man you've got to be sincere! If you're really sincere, | If you're really sincere, If you feel it in here, Then it's gotta be right! Oh, baby! Me Conus sereams, - Ooh, honey! Crorus screams, ALL. Hug me! Chorus screams. Suffer! Chorus screams. Kim has entered, followed by Huco, who tries to get her to leave. Kim waves HuGo away and is drawn to Conran. When | sing about a tree, | really feel that tree! When | sing about a girl, | really feel that girl, | mean | really feel sincere! KIM screams and faints into Huco’s arms. If you're really sincere! If you're really sincere! If you feel it in here, Then it's gotta be right! Ooh, baby! Chorus screams, Oh, honey! Cutorus screams. Conan. (continued) Hug me! Cuiorus screams. Suffer! Chionus screams. Conran slowly moves down the steps throughout the following, wreaking havoc as he goes. ‘Mr. Jouson. Harvey! Harvey! What are you doing?! ‘Mrs. Merkte. Ursula! Ursula! Come back here this minute! Mrs. MerKLé goes after Ursuta, then turns, gets a look at Conran and faints also. ALL. Well ya gotta be sincere! Well ya gotta be sincere! Yeah! Well ya gotta be sincere! Well ya gotta be sincere! Yeahi Well ya gotta be sincere! Well ya gotta be sincere! Yeah! Oh my baby! Oh yeah! Oh my baby! Oh yeah! Oh my baby! Oh yeah! Oh my baby! Oh yeah! Yeah! Yeah! The stage is littered with bodies. Last to crumble is the Mayor. As he sinks down, Rostt and Ausert enter. Rostt takes the key from the Mayor's hand and gives it to Conrao. Blackout. “Honestly Sincere (Playoff)” (Orchestra) SCENE SEVEN The lights come up the next morning in the MACAFEE HOUSE. Daddy, I wish you'd hurry! I want to have all this mess cleared away before Conrad comes down! Mr. MacAvee. This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfast. And I intend to enjoy it! Kim begins to clean things up around Mr. MacAtt®, eventually even taking his food. Last night I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as “Fats.” Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept in a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray. Outside my window three harpies shrieked ‘We love you Conrad” four thousand seven hundred and twenty-three times!!! And now I have lost my two fried eggs. Oh, Mr. MacAfee! I hope you won't mind keeping off the phone for a few minutes. We're expecting a long-distance call from New York. Mr. Macatee lowers his head and exits. Kim. Mother, what’s wrong with Daddy? Mrs. MacArer, Nothing, dear. Your father’s just excited about Conrad’s being here, that’s all RAnvouru. He’s coming! He’s coming. Km. I'l get the eggs. Mother, you call the kids! Mrs. MacArer. Girls, he’s coming! You'd better hurry if you want to watch him eat! A group of Gints come to peek through the window. Mrs. Menke is there 109. Mrs. Merkte. I’m sorry, Doris, but I just had to come, too! Mr. MacAree re-enters. Conran enters in a leopard-skin bathrobe. He crosses to the table, looks at the food, and then keeps walking to the refrigerator. He opens the refrigerator, takes out a bottle of milk, drinks directly from it, puts it back into the refrigerator. He starts to exit. Conran. Call me for lunch. Mr. MacAree. Now look here, Doris. About that boy ... im ALL! Mr.1 Au! Mrs. MacAree. Please, Harry, he’s just shy ... ‘Mr. MacArer. Kim is only fifteen and I don’t want her Kin. Please, Daddy. Not in front of everybody! Mrs. MERKLE. Come on, we better go. The Crown leaves. Mr. MacAree. I don’t care who’s here. No ill-mannered lout is going to ... ‘Mrs. MacAree. Harry, you have no right to say that. The boy is our guest and .. ‘MR. MAcAFEE. (to Ki) This is my house and until you're eighteen .. Ranpowrn. But Daddy .. ‘Aupert. Mr. and Mrs, MacAfee! Kim! Randolph! Is this the way you want seventy-five million Americans to see you?! Mr. MacAvee. What are you talking about? Aunerr. You're all going to be on television Mr. MacAree. On television? Aunert. I just got the confirmation from New York. From Ed Sullivan himself. Mr. MacAree. You mean we're going to be on the Sullivan Show? The Ed Sullivan Sullivan Show? 16 “Hymn for a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan)” (The MacAfees) ALL MAcAFEES. Ed Sullivan Mr. MacAree. Me ... Harry MacAfee ... appearing with ALL MacArees. Ed Sullivan Ed Sullivan Ed Sullivan We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan Blackout. Music continues. SCENE EIGHT At the CENTRAL MOVIE THEATER. Rosie. Well, this is it, Albert ... What do you think? ‘Course it’s been used as a movie house] for the past thirty years but I think it'll be fine for the TV show. Mas. P Auserr. — Rose, I’m sure everything will be perfect. Now if you'll just forget about the Sullivam Show for one minute, there’s something very important I want to tell you. About about you and I, Rose. Grom Rosie. You and me, English teacher. 4 Mas. P. Avsert, — I want to tell you that [ wrote Mama and told her no matter what happened ... [ have ALBERT. decided to give up Almaelou. Rosie. (happily embraces him) Albert, you didn’t! Rost. Ausert. Yes, I did, Rose. I wrote her the day we left, which leaves three days and three nights ALBERT. for her to get in touch with me and so far not a word! If you ask me, she’s accepted the whole thing by now. Mas. PETERSON. (staggering in) ... Three days and three nights on a Trailways bus, but what's the Hc. difference, I’m only a mother and for a mother a Trailways bus is good enough. 7 Auer, — Mama, what are you doing here? Mrs. Pererson. A woman gets a letter obviously written in distress and she should stay home? R (reads letter) “Dear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaclou is dissolved. Your ‘ost. friend, Albert.” Almaclou is dissolved? Dissolve me! Who am I anyway? A sick old woman, probably won't last the night. I just want a simple stone, with one word carved on it ... Albert’s Mother. And don’t hire a limousine to get me to the final resting place. I'll walk. And tell that friend of yours I forgive her. Atnert. — Mama, Rose is right here. Mrs. Pererson. This is Rose? Don’t worry about a secretary. It so happens I met on the bus @ perfect secretary. A wonderful refined girl on her way to Akron only I persuaded her to get off here. Sonny, say hello to Gloria Rasputin, Gtonia enters. She is sensational and dressed in a tight outfit with a matching bag. Groria. Hi, Al! Hey, you're cute. Ausert, — But, Mama, I don’t need a secretary; I have Rosie! Mrs. Perersov. What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she'll be getting Social Security. ia Groria. ALBERT. Rosie. ALBERT. Huco. Well, listen ... I don’t just type. I tap dance. I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff, and you would help me get into show business. Get a load of this, Al. Goria does an extravagant tap dance, ending with her back to the audience at each turn, Aubext is entranced. Mrs, Peterson. Bravo! Bravo! Mas, Peterson applauds and Avert joins her. Well, do I get the job? Mrs. Pererson. Albert, why don’t you take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types. Well, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could do them. Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie? Why should it make any difference to me? Atta girl, Rosie, You just keep working and Ill go along with Miss Rasputin. Avnert, GLORIA, and Mrs. PrreRsoN exit. ALserr looks back at Rosie, gives asilly laugh, and then he’s gone. Rosie begins fuming. Huco enters. Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but I’m looking for Kim MacA fee. I just want to tell her that she is not to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan show tonight because if she does, I'll... (Rost hasnt moved) Miss Alvarez ... is anything wrong? It’s me! Hugo Peabody. Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? (slowly turning and looking at Hiss) .... Yes, Hugo, T think you can. Blackout. No. 17 SuLuivan. No. 18 Conrap. SCENE NINE “TV Theme” (Orchestra) (offstage voice) As you know, in just about fourteen hours, one of show business’ brightest talents is going off to play a very special engagement with the US Army, And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady with One Last Kiss. Ladies and Gentlemen, we take you to Sweet Apple, Ohio. Lights come up on the movie theater decked out as the television set. The MacAret FaMity is posed around Conrab in an army uniform. “One Last Kiss (Part 1)” (Conrad & Teens) Oh, one last kiss, Oh, gimme one last kiss It never felt like this, No, never felt like this! You know | need your love, Uh Uh Oh, Gimme one last kiss! Conran begins to move toward Kin. Oh, one more time, Oh baby, one more time! It really is sublime, Oh, honey, so subiime, You know | need your love, Uh Uh Oh, Gimme one last kiss! Conran grabs Kim’s hand and walks her center. Ba...a...a...a... by, Give me one last kiss! Ba..a..a...a... by, Give me one last kiss! Teens enter and sing “Aaahhhhh” in the background. aad. Cor Con Coxran. ‘Oh, one last kiss, TrENs. Ah Oh, gimme one last kiss! Itnever felt like this, Ah No, never felt like this! You know | need your love, Ah Uh Uh Oh, Gimme one last kiss! ALL. One last kiss One last kiss Oh, give me one last kiss! One last kiss One last kiss Oh, give me one, last ... ‘Conran takes Kim into his arms. Conran. Okay, brace yourself, Chick! Huso can take no more. Huco. Brace yourself, Conrad Birdie. Huco hits Hiv, and Conran goes down. Kim. Hugo! You hit him. Huco. He deserved it! He was a ... a thief of love! Km. Hugo Peabody, I never want to speak to you again! Kin and the MacArees run off: Auster pushes his way through the Crowo. Aunert. I demand to know who’s responsible for this! Who let that kid in here? Rosie. I did, Albert. It’s sort of a farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. Wear it in good health. Roste begins to leave. Atsert. Rosie, come back! You can’t leave me here alone. ! Rosin (as she exits) You're not alone, Albert. You're on television. ‘Aner freezes and looks toward the camera. He moves in front of the fallen Gonrav and begins to sing. Rosi, “One Last Kiss (Part 2)” (Albert & Crowd) ALBERT. (tentatively) For he’s a fine upstanding, Km. Patriotic, healthy, normal American boy. Rost. ALL. For he’s a fine upstanding, Km. Patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! Rose “ . ° kim. ‘One Last Kiss (Playoff) (Orchestra) No. End of scene. Kiwd SCENE TEN seme No. 21 “What Did I Ever See in Him? (Part 1)” Rose (Rosie) Kiwd Kim's BEDROOM, Rosie is packing. Rosie, From now on it’s just gonna be me, Rosie, on the town, making up for eight years of being in love with a Mama-clutching, aspirin-splitting tower of Jello. (sung) What did | ever see in him? How did | ever get involved that way? Now that it’s over I can smile and say, What did | ever see in him? Is he tender? No, he's not! Is he thoughtful? No, he’s not! Am | crazy? What's he got That | found so darn appealing? What did he ever do for me? Well, to be honest, he was sometimes nice, But still it wasn’t worth the awful price! It was rough From the start Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart. a Dee Roste. (continued) How did | ever Why did | ever What did | ever Kim. (entering) Miss Alvarez, all men can’t be like that! Rose. Every one of them. Kim. Hugo F. Peabody! Hah? Hugo! What did I ever see in him? He’s as bad as Mr. Peterson, if not worse. No. 22 “What Did I Ever See in Him? (Part 2)” (Kim & Rosie) Kim & Rosie. Do we need them? No, we don't!! Do we want them? No, we don’t! Kim. Will we leave them? No, we won't! Tell me, what did | say that for? Kim & Rosie. What did we ever see in them? How could we ever think that they were nice? Take it from us, we've paid an awful price! { It was rough From the start, Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart What did we ever see in him? kim. (suddenly a new idea) Miss Alvarez, I’m going with you!! Rose. Kim, don’t be ridiculous! You're only fifteen. Kim, Juliet was fourteen when she left home. Rosie. And look what happened to her! Now look, Kim, why don’t you have some milk and cookies and go to bed like a .. ss Alvarez! I want to live! No. 23 “What Did I Ever See in Him? (Playoff)” (Orchestra) Km, It’s too late for cookies, SCENE ELEVEN Apert is in the MACAFEE LIVING ROOM when Rosit enters with her suitcase. Ausert. There she is! The traitor that stabbed me in the heart while my back was turned. Get out of my way, Albert. I’m going on the town tonight, and I don’t want to waste another minute! Aupert. Not until I’ve had my say, Rose. I just want to let you know that thanks to Mama’s quick thinking, the kiss will take place after all. Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. Rosie exits. ALaeRT watches her leave and tries to be brave. Afier a beat, he runs to the door. The phone rings. ALaext looks around and then answers it (on the phone) Hello .... I’m sorry, Mr. Lewis, but Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us ... That’s right ... Now look here, Mr. Lewis, no three-cent reporter can bulldoze me! I happen to be Albert J. Peterson and you can print that in whatever cheap paper you happen to represent!! .... It’s not a paper, it’s a magazine .... And it’s not Mr. Lewis ... it's Mr. Luce. (hangs up) Rosie, I need you!!!!! Atperr heads for the door. Mas. Pererson. (entering) Sonnyboy! Where are you going? Auserr, — To look for Rosie, Mama! I love her and I want her back. Mrs. Pererson. Is that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, Sonny, find your lady and bring her back here. When you get back be sure to stop in the kitchen, take my head out of the oven, and turn off the gas .. Avserr. Mama! Mks. Peterson. It’s a strange house. I don’t want to run up a bill, Aunert. Mama, I’ve had enough of this. If you really loved me, you’d help me find Ro: before it’s too late. ‘Atour begins 10 leave. Mks. Pererson. Maybe I better give you the message from Conrad first. He says he’s going out tonight and he doesn’t think he’ll get back in time to kiss Kim tomorrow ... Aubert stops in his tracks and looks back at His Mow. ia Con, ALBE Comm Km. | Coney as SS AUBERT. Conran. Aubert. No. 24 Conran. Km. Conran. I don’t know what's the matter with him. He knows how much this means to me! Conrad! Conrad! (entering) Take it easy. And before you start hollering, Albert, I just want you to know Imade up my mind. I wanna have some fun! Go out! Meet a couple of young chicks. ‘You can’t go out without my permission. It says so in your contract. I'll get it. (starts to exit) Conrad, you stay right here Avperr exits. Mrs, PETERSON tries to smile and flirt with Conran. She gets no response, is then embarrassed and hurries out, “A Lot Of Livin’ To Do” (Conrad, Kim & Kids) There are chicks Just ripe for some kissin’! And | mean to kiss me a few! Man, those chicks Don’t know what they're missin’! I got a lot of livin’ to do! Sizzlin' steaks! All ready for tastin’! And there's cadillacs, all shiny and new! Gotta move, | ‘Cause time is a-wastin'! There's such a lot of livin’ to do! Conean exits as the lights come up on Kin There are men Of nineteen or twenty Who are suave and reckless and true! Older men, Who'll give a girl plenty! I've got a lot of livin’ to do!! We are on the STREETS OF SWEET APPLE. There's music to play! Places to go! People to see! Ev'rything For you and me! (spoken) Hey, you kids live here, don’t you? fim

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