Reviewer: Ahil Ashiqali

Writer: Grant Fredrickson

Peer Review: Exploring an Event
Directions: Please respond to the following questions in as much detail as possible.
Writers: list two or three questions or concerns you have about your draft that youd like to discuss with your
group. (Reviewers: Be sure to address these questions here)
Where is the second Hospital that you spent the night at?

Did you lung ever get better or worse after that day?

Clarity
1. Point out any confusing sentences or passages. Were you able to follow the general direction of the
story easily? Explain.
As soon as he says that my mom already worried about me starts to cry this was a little confusing for me
because there was a small grammar error that made the sentence mean something that the writer didnt
intend on saying. He meant to say was As soon as he says that, my mom already worried about me; starts
to cry

Persuasiveness
2. Is the change or revelation apparent? Is it subtle and nuanced or does it feel too explicitly stated?
Well I can tell that being told that you have a collapsed lung can change someones life because
they wouldnt be able to do the same activities as they might be use too.

3. Are there any ideas or phrases that strike you as well-worn or clich?
Everything kind of just all went along like you would expect this story to go, he described the situation very
well and all the followings of the event.

Concrete Details
4. Point out places where the writer effectively uses concrete, sensory details to illuminate their ideas,
making them come alive.
When I get into the room I tell the woman what side and then I do the typical stuff when getting an x-ray
done. Chest on the board, puff my chest up when I take a deep breath, then Click.

Strength of Introduction and Conclusion

5. Does the introduction/hook create interest? How?
With the first sentence he clearly states that the even that happened to the writer changed who he is or was and
has made a difference so you kinda just want to find out what that event is.

6. Does the conclusion feel like it has weight? Does it feel meaningful, like a mic drop, or insubstantial?
How could it be improved?
The conclusion leaves the readers hanging because we dont know if anything got better or worse for the writer
in the event written about or if how this changed life for better or worse.

Most Successful Passage

7. Choose a passage (1-4 sentences) and explain why it is successful.

We sit in the room for about 15 minutes then the doctor comes in and is about to tell me what the x-rays
showed about my chest... he tells me that I have a partially collapsed lung on my left upper lung. This
explains the whole situation that the writer was in and why he had the pains and why this changed his life.
8. Point out any special successes with the structure of the narrative, whether its linear or utilizes
flashback or other more complicated elements.

Style
9. Long sentences are fine if they move well, but point out any parts that seem choppy (short) or
pretentious (wordy).
The doctor tells her that this mainly happened to tall skinny kids I didnt think that this explained
enough of how you got the collapsed lung and why it happened.

10. Do any words or phrases stand out as particularly striking, beautiful, or unexpected? Which ones?
Super Healthy because to me that sounds like you have never had any other problems health wise before and
now you are being told that you have a collapsed lung.

Editing
11. Dont do a complete editing job, but do point out the most distracting slips in usage and mechanics.
Some grammar problems can be fixed to make essay sound more smooth when read out loud

Other
12. Note any other questions or feedback you have for the writer here. This is important: since every
paper is unique, they will each have their own successes and concerns that may not be addressed
above.
-Explain what happened after that event a little bit more because I feel that by explaining that more you can
show how that one event effected your life more

Next Steps
13. Work with the writer to devise a plan for revision. Summarize the writers next steps here.

-Writer will explain more about following events that help describe why this event is so important in
the writers life.
-Writer will fix up couple grammar problems