Why Compassion Matters?

For many years now I have remembered Nicholas

Wolterstorffs touching words when he lost his son in a
mountain climbing accident: Please don't say it's not
really so bad. Because it is. What I need to hear from
you is that you recognize how painful it is. I need to
hear from you that you are with me in my desperation.
To comfort me, you have to come close. Come sit beside
me on my mourning bench.
So many of us instinctively feel in our hearts the pain
and sorrow of others. We recognize, almost
instantaneously, when a loved one or friend or stranger is suffering, and we feel the urge to reach out
and do something to help them, even if it is only to sit down beside them and listen. We somehow are
graced to know how to take care of others, and sometimes just at the right moment to help soften some
blow or agony. We know that compassion matters.
But the question I put before you today is this: Can we take care of ourselves in the same way we befriend and comfort others? Can we attend to ourselves when we are troubled and recognize how
painful it is? Can we come close to ourselves and sit down in silent reflection? And even when we have
done something we wish we hadnt done, can we be with ourselves and offer compassion? I think the
latter is something we especially need to work on.
Today scientists and psychologists are showing how compassion for oneself matters, too. Research is
beginning to reveal that excessive self-criticism and negative judgments about ourselves can be
correlated with stress and depression. Self-recrimination can obstruct our capacity to generate feelings
of self-assurance, warmth, and self-appreciation --- those qualities critical to our sense of safety and
general well-being. When we can befriend ourselves, like we would befriend a friend, we open
ourselves to a higher quality of life and well-being.
It may sound odd in this season of giving to another to suggest that we give to ourselves. One such
gift might be to start re-framing our habitual self-judgments in a more compassionate way. Another
might be to become more aware of the feeling that is behind our negative-judgment and see if we can
connect this feeling to a deeper need we are trying to meet. If I may suggest a practice: the next time
you become aware of being hard on yourself, just say quietly in your mind: not-helpful! Then move as
quickly as you can to an experience beyond self-evaluation.
Paradoxically, science reveals that when we are more in touch with our own sufferings and needs, we
become more capable of empathizing with others need and difficulties. Being warm and generous to
ourselves plays an important role in our capacity to be compassionate toward others. If this is true,
during this season let us give to ourselves along with giving to others.
Betty C. Adam

The Rev. Betty C. Adam is the Spiritual Director of Brigid's Place and resident Canon Theologian at Christ
Church Cathedral. The author of The Magdalene Mystique: Living the Spirituality of Mary Today, she is
drawn to topics that impact women and their empowerment. Betty is currently teaching "Compassion
Cultivation Training" at the new Hines Center in downtown Houston.