Four Weddings

and a Funeral
R I C H A R D CURTIS
Level 5
Retold by Cherry Gilchrist
Series Editors: Andy Hopkins and Jocelyn Potter

Contents
page
v

Introduction
The People in this Story

vi

Chapter 1

The First Wedding

Chapter 2

The Second Wedding

22

Chapter 3

A Free Saturday

36

Chapter 4

The Third Wedding

45

Chapter 5

A Funeral

52

Chapter 6

The Fourth Wedding

56

Activities

69

Introduction
It's a s u m m e r Saturday m o r n i n g , a n d C h a r l e s is still asleep. He s h o u l d be
on his w a y to A n g u s and Laura's w e d d i n g already! C h a r l e s is always late,
and h e i s always g o i n g t o w e d d i n g s . B u t t h e y are always o t h e r p e o p l e ' s
w e d d i n g s , n e v e r his o w n . H e has h a d p l e n t y o f girlfriends, b u t h e i s
w o r r i e d that h e w i l l n e v e r find the r i g h t w o m a n t o marry. H e n r i e t t a ,
o n e o f his o l d girlfriends, thinks that h e has a b i g p r o b l e m w i t h w o m e n .
B u t w h e n h e d o e s m e e t a beautiful w o m a n called C a r r i e , h e w a n t s t o
b e w i t h h e r v e r y m u c h . T h e t r o u b l e is, h e can't d e c i d e q u i c k l y e n o u g h ,
and she marries a n o t h e r m a n .
T h i s is a story a b o u t love; it takes us to f o u r w e d d i n g s . T h r e e of t h e
w e d d i n g s are for Charles's friends. W h o is t h e f o u r t h for? T h e r e are a
f e w surprises at the f o u r t h w e d d i n g ! It is also a s t o r y a b o u t Charles's
g r o u p o f friends. W e m e e t t h e lively Scarlett, i n h e r strange c l o t h e s , T o m
and F i o n a , the r i c h b r o t h e r and sister, and G a r e t h , t h e ' r u d e , fat m a n ' .
T h e r e i s sadness t o o i n t h e story, w h e n o n e o f the friends dies
suddenly. T h e funeral teaches p e o p l e a lot, and after it C h a r l e s finally
d e c i d e s w h a t to do or d o e s he?
T h e f i l m was m a d e i n 1 9 9 3 and i s e n o r m o u s l y p o p u l a r . H u g h G r a n t i s
C h a r l e s , and A n d i e M a c D o w e l l i s C a r r i e . R i c h a r d C u r t i s w r o t e t h e
w o r d s for the f i l m , and h e h a d t o r e w r i t e t h e m s e v e n t e e n times! H i s
girlfriend E m m a m a d e h i m w r i t e a l o t o f i t again. S h e u s e d t o w r i t e t h e
letters C D B o n his pages, w h i c h m e a n t ' C o u l d D o B e t t e r ' !

People

s u g g e s t e d f i f t y - f o u r different n a m e s for the f i l m . O n e o f t h e m w a s

Always Late, a n d o n e w a s In Love in England. A c t u a l l y t h e s t o r y says a l o t
about

love

and

weddings

in

Britain

today.

People

ask

themselves

questions like: ' S h o u l d w e have a b i g w e d d i n g ? S h o u l d i t b e i n t h e w a y

that o u r parents w a n t ? O r s h o u l d w e g e t m a r r i e d a t all?'

The People in this Story

T h e r e are a l o t of different p e o p l e in this story. T h i s list is for y o u to
l o o k b a c k at, and c h e c k w h o ' s w h o , a s y o u read.
T h e t w o m o s t i m p o r t a n t characters are:
CHARLES (also s o m e t i m e s called C h a r l i e ) : An attractive u n m a r r i e d m a n
w h o has h a d a lot of different girlfriends. B u t he doesn't really fall in
l o v e until h e m e e t s C a r r i e .
CARRIE: A beautiful

young American

woman

who

has

worked

in

fashion.
O t h e r i m p o r t a n t characters are:
SCARLETT: A lively y o u n g w o m a n w h o shares a flat w i t h C h a r l e s . S h e is
n o t his g i r l f r i e n d . S h e w o u l d like to find a b o y f r i e n d , b u t can't y e t find
the r i g h t p e r s o n .
TOM: A r i c h b u t n o t v e r y c l e v e r f r i e n d o f C h a r l e s , w h o has n o girlfriend
b u t is always s e a r c h i n g for l o v e . He finally finds it at the e n d of this
story.
FIONA: T o m ' s sister. S h e is v e r y c l e v e r a n d e l e g a n t , u n l i k e h e r b r o t h e r .
S h e d o e s n ' t have a b o y f r i e n d b e c a u s e she i s i n l o v e w i t h s o m e o n e w h o
d o e s n ' t l o v e her.
HENRIETTA: S h e is an o l d g i r l f r i e n d of Charles's a n d she is still in l o v e
with

him. Unfortunately, Charles

is

not in

love w i t h

her. P e o p l e

s o m e t i m e s call h e r ' D u c k - F a c e ' b e h i n d h e r b a c k .

GARETH: A l o u d , l i v e l y f r i e n d o f Charles's w h o enjoys his f o o d and
d r i n k , a n d lives w i t h his b o y f r i e n d , M a t t h e w .
MATTHEW: Q u i e t e r than G a r e t h , k i n d and intelligent. M a t t h e w a n d
G a r e t h have lived t o g e t h e r h a p p i l y for a l o n g t i m e .
JOHN: H e n r i e t t a ' s b r o t h e r . He is a v e r y b o r i n g m a n , and the g r o u p of
friends d o n ' t usually i n v i t e h i m t o t h e i r m e e t i n g s and parties.
DAVID: Charles's y o u n g e r b r o t h e r . He is deaf, and c a n o n l y speak in sign
l a n g u a g e , t h e l a n g u a g e o f t h e hands w h i c h m a n y d e a f p e o p l e use.

vi

S E R E N A : A n affectionate y o u n g w o m a n , w h o falls i n l o v e w i t h D a v i d .
S h e learns sign l a n g u a g e specially s o that she c a n c o m m u n i c a t e w i t h
him.
B E R N A R D : T o m ' s best friend. H e and Lydia g e t t o g e t h e r a t t h e f i r s t
w e d d i n g , and theirs is the s e c o n d w e d d i n g in t h e story.
L Y D I A : Laura's b r i d e s m a i d a t the f i r s t w e d d i n g . S h e d o e s n ' t t h i n k m u c h
o f B e r n a r d a t the b e g i n n i n g , b u t q u i c k l y c h a n g e s h e r m i n d w h e n h e
starts to kiss her!
G E R A L D : A y o u n g priest. H e i s still s t u d y i n g a t t h e t i m e o f t h e f i r s t
w e d d i n g . H e i s ready t o take the s e c o n d w e d d i n g s e r v i c e i n t h e s t o r y
b u t he is n o t v e r y s e l f - c o n f i d e n t .

vii

Chapter 1

T h e First Wedding

You are invited to the wedding of Angus and Laura

on

May

1st at

St John's

Church,

Stoke

Clandon,

Somerset

It's A n g u s a n d L a u r a ' s w e d d i n g day, a n d C h a r l e s i s g o i n g t o b e

their best m a n . T h e best m a n has t o l o o k after t h e b r i d e g r o o m
a n d g i v e h i m t h e w e d d i n g r i n g . T h e best m a n also has t o b e a t
the church on time, but Charles is never punctual. He is not even
awake

yet. T h e

alarm

clock

rings loudly next

to

his b e d . H e

r e a c h e s o u t h i s h a n d , t u r n s i t off, a n d g o e s b a c k t o s l e e p .
T h e w e d d i n g i s i n t h e w e s t o f E n g l a n d , w h i c h i s a t least t w o
o r three h o u r s b y car from L o n d o n , w h e r e C h a r l e s lives. S o m e o f
his o t h e r friends are a w a k e t h o u g h . T h e y ' l l b e a t t h e w e d d i n g
b e f o r e C h a r l e s . I n t h e i r l a r g e , f i n e h o u s e , T o m a n d F i o n a ar e u p
and getting ready to

g o . T h e y ar e b r o t h e r a n d sister, a n d t h e y

c o m e f r o m a v e r y r i c h family. T h e y are o p p o s i t e t y p e s o f p e o p l e :
F i o n a i s a tall, e l e g a n t a n d c l e v e r w o m a n ; T o m i s a h a p p y , b u t n o t
very intelligent, man.
T o m e n j o y s his f o o d , a n d he's n o w e a t i n g a large breakfast
w h i l e F i o n a c h o o s e s w h a t to w e a r . Finally, she zips h e r s e l f i n t o a
s m a r t dress. S h e

goes

downstairs to

the

d i n i n g - r o o m and the

m a i d g i v e s h e r a c u p o f b l a c k c o f f e e . S h e q u i c k l y d r i n k s it, a n d
t h e y s e t off. It's S a t u r d a y , s o t h e traffic i s n o t t o o b a d , b u t t h e y
mustn't delay any longer.
On

their

way

out

of London,

they

call

for

Gareth

and

M a t t h e w , w h o live t o g e t h e r i n a n attractive, c o u n t r y - s t y l e h o u s e .
M a t t h e w is a c o o l b u t k i n d , s y m p a t h e t i c p e r s o n - a S c o t s m a n in
his thirties. G a r e t h i s a large, fat m a n o f a b o u t f o r t y - f i v e . H i s hair
i s a l i t t l e g r e y , b u t h i s b e a r d i s still b l a c k . H e l i k e s t o w e a r q u i t e
elegant, but v e r y bright clothes. He loves to j o k e , and is often

q u i t e r u d e t o o t h e r p e o p l e . G a r e t h a n d M a t t h e w ar e b o y f r i e n d s .
' L a t e ! Y o u ' r e late!' h e s h o u t s , p o i n t i n g a t his w a t c h . B u t T o m
and F i o n a k n o w G a r e t h well, and don't take any notice.
T h e y a r e n o t a s l a t e a s C h a r l e s t h o u g h , w h o i s still a s l e e p .
Finally, t h e sun shines o n t o h i m t h r o u g h the b e d r o o m curtains
a n d h e w a k e s u p . H e takes t h e a l a r m c l o c k o f f t h e table n e a r his
b e d a n d l o o k s a t it.
' O h G o d ! ' h e says. H e i s r e a l l y a w a k e t h i s t i m e .
Charles

is

thirty-three

years

old, g o o d - l o o k i n g , and

always

late. H e j u m p s o u t o f b e d a n d rushes i n t o Scarlett's b e d r o o m .

C h a r l e s a n d S c a r l e t t s h a r e a flat t o g e t h e r . T h e y a r e f r i e n d s , b u t n o t
lovers.

Her

room

is

terrible

mess

there

are

clothes

e v e r y w h e r e . He picks up her red alarm clock and puts it u n d e r

h e r n o s e . S h e o p e n s h e r eyes sleepily.
' O h hell!'
Scarlett is t w e n t y - f i v e , lively, a n d a real L o n d o n girl. Y o u c a n
h e a r i t i n h e r v o i c e she's

certainly n o t f r o m an upper-class

family!
T h e y h u r r y t o g e t ready, a n d r u n o u t t o t h e car, c a r r y i n g s o m e
o f their f o r m a l w e d d i n g clothes w i t h t h e m . T h e car i s Charles's,
a n d it's v e r y o l d . T h e e n g i n e w o n ' t start.
'Oh

God!

Oh

hell!'

says

Charles. 'Right, we'd

better

take

yours.'
' M i n e ? ' says S c a r l e t t . ' B u t i t o n l y g o e s a t f o r t y m i l e s a n h o u r ! '
Charles

drives

her

car

so

fast

along

the

motorway

that

it

s h a k e s . I t i s a v e r y s m a l l , r e d c a r , a n d it's a l s o v e r y o l d a n d r u s t y .
T h e e n g i n e m a k e s a t e r r i b l e n o i s e . S c a r l e t t can't h a v e l o o k e d after
it v e r y well!
' W h a t r o a d are w e l o o k i n g f o r ? ' asks C h a r l e s .
Scarlett has a m a p , b u t she hasn't l o o k e d at it y e t . S h e p i c k s it
u p j u s t a s t h e y pass a m o t o r w a y e x i t s i g n .
' I h o p e it's n o t t h e B 3 5 9 , ' C h a r l e s says w h e n h e s e e s t h e s i g n
behind him.

S c a r l e t t f i n d s t h e r i g h t p l a c e o n t h e m a p . 'It's t h e B 3 5 9 , ' s h e
says p r o u d l y .
' D a m n ! ' says C h a r l e s . H e s u d d e n l y p u t s h i s f o o t o n t h e b r a k e
a n d starts t o d r i v e b a c k w a r d s a l o n g t h e m o t o r w a y . T h e r e i s a l o r r y
coming

up

fast

behind

them,

and

there

is

nearly

terrible

accident. C h a r l e s turns the car on to the exit road.

' O h , h e l l a n d d a m n ! ' h e says a g a i n .

It is a beautiful s u n n y day n o t l o n g after n o o n as t h e y arrive at

the small c h u r c h i n t h e p e a c e f u l c o u n t r y s i d e . T h e c h u r c h bells are
r i n g i n g a n d all t h e o t h e r g u e s t s a r e a l r e a d y i n s i d e . C h a r l e s a n d
Scarlett j u m p o u t o f t h e car. C h a r l e s hasn't f i n i s h e d d r e s s i n g a n d
neither

has

Scarlett. T h e y

quickly

put

on

the

rest

of their

w e d d i n g c l o t h e s . F o r C h a r l e s , it's a f o r m a l s u i t . B u t S c a r l e t t i s
w e a r i n g a b r i g h t o r a n g e dress w i t h p u r p l e a r o u n d t h e w a i s t , a n d
an o r a n g e hat to m a t c h . C h a r l e s tries to h e l p h e r do it up at the
back, b u t the zip gets stuck.
' H e l l , h e l l i s h h e l l ! ' says C h a r l e s , p u l l i n g a t t h e z i p .
' D a m n a n d h e l l ! ' says S c a r l e t t . S h e t r i e s t o g e t h i s t i e s t r a i g h t .
A v e r y large smart car drives up b e h i n d t h e m . T h e b r i d e is c o m i n g .
S h e gets o u t o f t h e car i n h e r b e a u t i f u l w h i t e w e d d i n g dress.
One

of

her

bridesmaids

wonderful bunches
'Oh

no!' Charles

helps

her.

They

are

both

holding

o f flowers.
says, a n d

they begin

to

run

towards

the

c h u r c h . T h e y s m i l e a n d w a v e a t t h e b r i d e a s t h e y pass h e r .
T h e c h u r c h i s f u l l o f f l o w e r s a n d all t h e w o m e n g u e s t s are
w e a r i n g e l e g a n t hats. C h a r l e s a n d Scarlett l o o k a r o u n d a n d finally
see t h e i r friends, F i o n a a n d T o m , G a r e t h a n d M a t t h e w . T h e y g o
over to them.
F i o n a says t o

Charles, 'There

is

a sort of greatness in y o u r

lateness.'
' T h a n k s , ' C h a r l e s replies. ' I h a v e t o w o r k h a r d a t it, y o u k n o w . '

S c a r l e t t sits d o w n w i t h t h e m , b u t C h a r l e s p u t s a p i n k f l o w e r i n
t h e b u t t o n h o l e o f his j a c k e t a n d w a l k s o n u p t h e c h u r c h t o A n g u s ,
t h e b r i d e g r o o m , w h o i s w a i t i n g n e r v o u s l y f o r his best m a n .
' S o r r y s o r r y , ' says C h a r l e s . ' T h e r e ' s n o e x c u s e , I k n o w . I'll k i l l
m y s e l f afterwards, i f y o u like.'
' I t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r , ' says A n g u s . ' I f y o u h a d n ' t c o m e T o m w o u l d
have taken y o u r place.'
'Thanks, T o m

you're

wonderful! W h a t

terrible

haircut

though!' Charles jokes.

' Y o u h a v e n ' t f o r g o t t e n t h e r i n g , h a v e y o u ? ' asks A n g u s . T h e
best m a n is always given the ring to b r i n g to the church.
' N o , n o , o f c o u r s e not.' C h a r l e s t o u c h e s his p o c k e t c o n f i d e n t l y .
B u t h e i s s e c r e t l y a l a r m e d . W h e r e i s t h e r i n g ? W h e n A n g u s isn't
l o o k i n g , h e s e a r c h e s f o r i t i n h i s p o c k e t s , b u t t h e y ar e all e m p t y .
O h G o d ! H e m u s t h a v e left i t a t h o m e !
Just t h e n , an attractive girl in a large black hat a n d w h i t e j a c k e t
walks into the church.
C h a r l e s a n d several o t h e r guests t u r n to l o o k at her.
' L a t e ! ' says C h a r l e s . ' I h a t e i t w h e n p e o p l e are l a t e ! Hate it.'
T h i s m a k e s A n g u s s m i l e a l i t t l e a n d h e s e e m s less n e r v o u s n o w .
T h e n t h e w e d d i n g m u s i c starts.
' H e r e w e g o ! ' says C h a r l e s , a n d A n g u s t u r n s r o u n d t o l o o k a t
his b r i d e , w h o

is w a l k i n g up

t h e aisle

towards him. Laura is

h o l d i n g o n t o h e r f a t h e r ' s a r m , a n d she's w e a r i n g a v e r y e x p e n s i v e
white

w e d d i n g dress. S h e

has

two

little

bridesmaids, and

one

older bridesmaid, a y o u n g w o m a n called Lydia.

' O h , isn't she b e a u t i f u l ! ' b r e a t h e s Scarlett.
' Y o u ' r e b l i n d , ' says F i o n a s h a r p l y . ' S h e l o o k s l i k e a b i g w h i t e
cake.'
' D e a r f r i e n d s , I a m s o h a p p y t o w e l c o m e y o u h e r e today,' t h e
priest

begins

the

service.

'Welcome

to

our

church

on

this

w o n d e r f u l day for A n g u s and Laura!'

But Charles is looking around him, wondering what to do

a b o u t t h e r i n g . W h e n h e s e e s t h e g i r l i n t h e b l a c k h a t , h e starts t o
think

about

remembers

other

that

things

there

is

she's

more

very

attractive.

Then

he

u r g e n t p r o b l e m . E v e r y o n e is

s i n g i n g n o w . H e tries t o m a k e o n e o f his friends n o t i c e h i m , b u t

has n o l u c k .
A t last M a t t h e w l o o k s a t h i m . C h a r l e s p o i n t s a t h i s o w n r i n g
f i n g e r a n d t h e p a i n o n h i s f a c e tells M a t t h e w w h a t t h e p r o b l e m is.
'Please! H e l p m e ! ' C h a r l e s silently m a k e s t h e w o r d s w i t h his
lips.
M a t t h e w whispers to Gareth, but Gareth holds o u t b o t h hands
t o s h o w that there i s n o r i n g o n t h e m . H e w h i s p e r s t o F i o n a , a n d t o
several m o r e friends t o o . N o n e o f t h e m i s w e a r i n g a r i n g . C h a r l e s
will be in big trouble! T h e singing is c o m i n g to an e n d now.
Scarlett is singing v e r y l o u d l y and enthusiastically but n o t v e r y
well. M a t t h e w interrupts her.
' S c a r l e t t ! ' w h i s p e r s M a t t h e w . S h e i s t h e i r last h o p e . S h e s m i l e s
b a c k at h i m innocently. W h e n the priest b e g i n s to read the n e x t
words of the service, M a t t h e w nods to Charles yes, they've got
something!
' I ' l l b e b a c k i n a m o m e n t ! ' C h a r l e s says t o t h e g r o o m , w h o
looks alarmed.
The

priest

continues

to

speak:

'Do

you

promise

to

love

her . . . ? ' w h i l e C h a r l e s g o e s d o w n the side o f the c h u r c h t o find

Matthew.
A n g u s , the b r i d e g r o o m , is saying 'I do.'
Matthew

hands

something

to

Charles,

and

Charles

looks

s u r p r i s e d a t w h a t M a t t h e w has g i v e n h i m .
'It's t h e b e s t I c o u l d d o , ' w h i s p e r s M a t t h e w .
Charles rushes back to the front of the c h u r c h .
' D o y o u h a v e t h e r i n g ? ' asks t h e p r i e s t .
W h e n h e sees it, h e i s q u i t e s u r p r i s e d t o o . A n g u s p u t s t h e r i n g
on to his bride's finger. It is in t h e shape of a large, b r i g h t l y c o l o u r e d plastic heart.

W h i l e t h e h a p p y c o u p l e are s i g n i n g t h e i r n a m e s a t t h e b a c k o f
t h e c h u r c h , t h e b r i d e ' s sister a n d h e r b o y f r i e n d c o m e f o r w a r d s
w i t h a g u i t a r t o s i n g p o p m u s i c . It's a n o l d B a r r y M a n i l o w s o n g .
G a r e t h h o l d s his h e a d i n his h a n d s . T h e n h e p r e t e n d s t o s h o o t
himself. H e i s letting e v e r y b o d y k n o w that i t i s o n e o f the m o s t
terrible things he has ever heard.
At

last

it's

time

g r o o m and the

to

leave

the

guests w a l k o u t

happy. E v e r y b o d y is

smiling

and

church. W h e n
of the

church

the

bride, the

they look very

chatting. Charles

catches

up

w i t h the girl in the black hat outside.

' T h a t ' s a g r e a t h a t , ' h e says.
' T h a n k s I b o u g h t it specially' she smiles at h i m . He can hear
f r o m h e r a c c e n t that she's A m e r i c a n .
Now

it's

time

for

the

wedding

photos. T h e

photographer

arranges the bride, the g r o o m and the family in groups for the
different p i c t u r e s . A little b o y spoils o n e o f t h e m w h e n h e tries t o
h i d e u n d e r t h e b i g skirts o f t h e b r i d e ' s w e d d i n g dress. H e t h i n k s
it's f u n n y b u t t h e o t h e r s d o n ' t .
C h a r l e s a n d h i s f r i e n d s all g e t t o g e t h e r i n t h e i r o w n g r o u p t o
chat. T h e r e ' s M a t t h e w a n d G a r e t h , there's F i o n a a n d T o m , and o f
course the lively Scarlett. There's Charles's brother, D a v i d , too,
w h o i s d e a f a n d c o m m u n i c a t e s i n sign l a n g u a g e u s i n g his h a n d s .
A n d there's also B e r n a r d , w h o is T o m ' s best f r i e n d he is like
T o m , a k i n d m a n , but n o t v e r y clever.
T o m enjoyed the w e d d i n g and so did Bernard.
' I t h o u g h t i t w a s g o o d , v e r y g o o d , ' says T o m . ' W h a t d i d y o u
think?'
' O h . y e s , a p o d , v e r y g o o d , ' replies B e r n a r d .
' S c a r l e t t , ' says G a r e t h , ' w h a t a n a m u s i n g dress! P u r p l e f o r t h e
C h r i s t i a n c h u r c h , a n d o r a n g e f o r t h e w i l d n a t u r a l w o r l d . J u s t like
t h e m e a n i n g o f t h e w e d d i n g itself, d o n ' t y o u t h i n k ? '
' Y e s that's r i g h t , ' says S c a r l e t t , w h o d o e s n ' t r e a l l y k n o w w h a t
he means.

' D o e s a n y b o d y k n o w , ' asks C h a r l e s , ' w h o t h e g i r l i n t h e b l a c k

h a t is?'
T h e y all l o o k a t h e r . S h e i s s t a n d i n g n o t f a r a w a y , t a l k i n g t o
somebody's grandmother.
' H e r n a m e ' s C a r r i e , ' says F i o n a .
' S h e ' s pretty,' says C h a r l e s .
' A w f u l g i r l ! ' says F i o n a . ' S h e ' s A m e r i c a n . S h e u s e d t o w o r k a t
Vogue, t h e f a s h i o n m a g a z i n e . * S h e l i v e s i n A m e r i c a n o w , a n d s h e
only goes o u t w i t h v e r y smart, elegant p e o p l e . S o y o u can forget
a b o u t her, Charles.'
Fiona is n o t completely serious.
'It's a g o o d t h i n g y o u t o l d m e , ' says C h a r l e s , w h o k n o w s t h i s .
'Thanks.'
T h e b r i d e a n d g r o o m l e a v e t h e guests a n d g e t i n t o t h e i r car.
T h e y l o o k v e r y happy. P e o p l e w a v e at t h e m as the car is b e i n g
d r i v e n away.
' R i g h t , ' says G a r e t h . ' I t ' s t i m e f o r t h e r e c e p t i o n . '

T h e guests have to w a l k t h r o u g h a f a r m to get to the r e c e p t i o n .

I t i s v e r y pretty, b u t T o m steps i n s o m e c o w mess.
' D i d a n y o f y o u d o this t o o ? ' h e asks, l o o k i n g a t his s h o e .
' T y p i c a l ! ' says F i o n a . ' O n l y m y b r o t h e r c o u l d d o t h a t ! '
' W e l l , ' said T o m , ' I

m i g h t find love

at the

reception. There

m i g h t be a really nice girl there! I don't w a n t to spoil my g o o d

l u c k w i t h a horrible smell!'
H e stops t o c l e a n his s h o e , a n d t h e o t h e r s w a l k o n t o w a r d s t h e
house. T h e

bride

outside

in

line.

and

groom

and

Everybody

has

their
to

families

shake

their

c o n g r a t u l a t e t h e m a s t h e y g o past.
' I n e v e r k n o w w h a t t o say,' says F i o n a .

* A magazine w h i c h is v e r y f a m o u s in Britain and A m e r i c a .

ar e

standing

hands

and

'It's easy. J u s t s a y " Y o u m u s t b e v e r y p r o u d , ' " M a t t h e w a d v i s e s

h e r . ' T h a t ' s w h a t e v e r y o n e says.'
' G o d , n o ! ' says F i o n a .
T h e y w a l k u p the line.
' Y o u m u s t b e v e r y p r o u d o f y o u r d a u g h t e r , ' says F i o n a , a s s h e
shakes the h a n d of the bride's father.
T h e reception is b e i n g held in a very large and smart tent, on
t h e grass a t t h e f r o n t o f t h e h o u s e . I t i s full o f f l o w e r s , a n d l o o k s
v e r y b e a u t i f u l . T h e guests are e l e g a n t t o o , b u t i n a c o m f o r t a b l e ,
n o t t o o r i c h w a y . M o s t o f t h e m e n are w e a r i n g d a r k s u i t s , a n d a
l o t o f t h e w o m e n h a v e dresses w i t h flowers o n t h e m . T h e d r i n k s
are b e i n g s e r v e d b y w a i t e r s a n d waitresses, a n d a t t h e b a c k o f t h e
t e n t , t h e b a n d i s g e t t i n g r e a d y t o play.
Charles pushes t h r o u g h the c r o w d , trying to find Carrie. B u t
w h e n he finally sees her, she is already t a l k i n g to a g o o d - l o o k i n g
man.
' T h e r a t ! ' says C h a r l e s . H e g o e s b a c k t o t h e d r i n k s t a b l e a n d
takes

two

glasses

of wine. W h e n he

turns

r o u n d again, she

is

a l o n e . He offers h e r a d r i n k .
' O h h e l l o ! ' h e says b r i g h t l y . ' D o y o u w a n t o n e o f t h e s e ? '
' T h a n k you,' C a r r i e replies.
Charles

badly

wants

to

talk

to

her, but

he

can't

think

of

a n y t h i n g t o say.
'Ah -

m m m '

T h e situation is father embarrassing for t h e m both.

Before

he can think of something, another m a n joins them.

T h i s is J o h n , w h o is a b o u t thirty-eight, but behaves like a m a n of

sixty. H e i s v e r y f o r m a l .
' H e l l o C h a r l e s , ' h e says.
' A h , h e l l o , d e a r J o h n h o w are y o u ? T h i s i s . . . '
'Carrie,' answers C a r r i e for h i m .
'I'm delighted to m e e t y o u . My name's John.'
T h e y a r e all s i l e n t f o r a m o m e n t w h o i s g o i n g t o s p e a k

first? C h a r l e s d e c i d e s t o b e t h e f i r s t .
'So, J o h n , h o w ' s that lovely girlfriend of yours?'
' S h e ' s n o t m y g i r l f r i e n d n o w , ' h e r e p l i e s stiffly.
' O h d e a r w e l l , d o n ' t b e sad! I h e a r d t h a t s h e w a s still s e e i n g
o l d T o b y d e Lisle! S h e n e e d e d t w o m e n , y o u k n o w ! '
' S h e i s n o w m y w i f e , ' says J o h n , e v e n m o r e s t i f f l y
T h e situation is n o w even m o r e embarrassing than before.
' E x c e l l e n t , e x c e l l e n t ! ' says C h a r l e s , v e r y u n c o m f o r t a b l y . ' M a y I
c o n g r a t u l a t e y o u ? A n d i s t h e r e t h e s o u n d o f little f e e t y e t ? Y o u
k n o w - b a b i e s , a n d all t h a t ? N o ? O h w e l l , p l e n t y o f t i m e f o r t h a t ,
isn't t h e r e ? '
' E x c u s e m e , ' says C a r r i e , a m u s e d . S h e w a l k s a w a y .
C h a r l e s tells h i m s e l f t h a t h e i s a f o o l . I f h e h a d n ' t s a i d t h o s e
stupid things, C a r r i e w o u l d n ' t have g o n e , and J o h n w o u l d n ' t have
b e e n h u r t . H e hits his h e a d against a tree o n p u r p o s e , t h e n tries t o
say h e l l o t o a n o l d l a d y w h o i s w a l k i n g p a s t . S h e t h i n k s h e i s c r a z y .
Fiona

has

found

man

called

Gerald

to

talk

to. He

looks

i n n o c e n t , b u t a bit strange t o o . He is w e a r i n g a d a r k suit a n d a

black pullover.
' W h a t d o y o u d o ? ' s h e asks h i m .
' I ' m s t u d y i n g to be a priest,' he answers.
' G o o d G o d , ' says F i o n a . ' D o y o u d o w e d d i n g s ? '
'Not

yet

will

do

later, o f c o u r s e .

It'll

make

me

very

n e r v o u s , I c a n tell y o u ! ' H e l a u g h s u n c o m f o r t a b l y .
' T h a t ' s j u s t l i k e t h e first t i m e o n e h a s s e x , isn't i t ? ' F i o n a says
sweetly.
G e r a l d is e v e n m o r e embarrassed now. ' A h well, I suppose
s o '
' N o t so m u c h mess, though,' Fiona continues, but Gerald can't
r e p l y a t all n o w .
D a v i d has c o m e o v e r t o t a l k t o C h a r l e s , h i s b r o t h e r . C h a r l e s
knows

sign

language

for

the

deaf

very

well,

and

c o m m u n i c a t e d like this w i t h D a v i d since t h e y w e r e c h i l d r e n .

has

' H o w a r e y o u d o i n g ? ' D a v i d asks w i t h h i s h a n d s .

' D o y o u r e m e m b e r that t i m e w h e n w e w e r e playing w i t h the
e n g i n e o n D a d ' s m o t o r b o a t , a n d m y l e g was almost cut off?'
'Yes.'
' W e l l , this is w o r s e . '
S o m e b o d y has b e e n w a t c h i n g D a v i d a pretty girl w i t h l o n g
r e d hair. S h e is w e a r i n g a b r i g h t y e l l o w hat. H e r n a m e is S e r e n a .
She points at David.
' W h o ' s t h a t b o y o v e r t h e r e i n t h e g r e y s u i t ? ' s h e asks M a t t h e w .
'His name's David,' M a t t h e w answers.
' H e ' s v e r y attractive, isn't h e ? ' s h e says.
' Y e s I ' v e a l w a y s t h o u g h t so.'
' W h y are t h e y u s i n g t h e i r h a n d s l i k e that?' she asks.
' H e c a n ' t h e a r . H e ' s deaf,' says M a t t h e w .
' O h g o o d heavens!'
'Silent, b u t v e r y attractive,' M a t t h e w c o n t i n u e s .
A n d n o w t h e f a t h e r o f t h e b r i d e tells e v e r y o n e t h a t d i n n e r i s
b e i n g s e r v e d . H e a s k s t h e m t o g o i n t o t h e t e n t a n d sit d o w n .
T h e y all f i n d t h e i r w a y t o t h e i r t a b l e s . J o h n sits d o w n n e x t t o h i s
w i f e , n o t a s h a p p y w i t h h e r a s h e w a s earlier n o w that h e k n o w s
a b o u t T o b y d e L i s l e . C a r r i e sits n e x t t o G e o r g e , a n o t h e r s t i f f a n d
b o r i n g type of m a n w h o read a piece from the Bible v e r y l o u d l y
a t t h e w e d d i n g s e r v i c e . S c a r l e t t sits d o w n n e x t t o a c o m p l e t e
s t r a n g e r , a n d g i v e s h i m a b i g kiss o n t h e m o u t h .
' H i my name's Scarlett! D o n ' t let me d r i n k t o o m u c h I get
m u c h too friendly!'
C h a r l e s , a s b e s t m a n , h a s t o sit o n t h e t o p t a b l e w i t h t h e f a m i l y
H e sits d o w n n e x t t o a n o l d m a n , w h o l o o k s a n n o y e d .
' H o w do y o u do my n a m e is Charles.'
'Don't

be

stupid!'

the

old

man

says

angrily. 'Charles

t w e n t y years ago!'
' W e l l , that m u s t be a different Charles.'
' A r e y o u telling m e that I don't k n o w m y o w n brother?'

10

died

C h a r l e s c a n see that the o l d m a n is o b v i o u s l y m a d .

' N o , n o , o f c o u r s e n o t , ' C h a r l e s says h u r r i e d l y , a n d t r i e s n o t t o
have any m o r e conversation w i t h h i m .

D i n n e r is served, a n d e v e r y b o d y b e g i n s to eat. L a u r a , t h e b r i d e , is
v e r y happy, a n d l a u g h s a n d talks w i t h e v e r y o n e n e a r her. E v e n
A n g u s is smiling, w h i c h is unusual for h i m . In E n g l a n d it is a
c u s t o m f o r t h e b e s t m a n t o m a k e a s p e e c h a n d a t last it's t i m e f o r
C h a r l e s t o s t a n d u p . H e h i t s h i s glass l o u d l y w i t h a s p o o n , a n d
people stop eating and talking. Charles is nervous.
'Ladies and g e n t l e m e n , I'm sorry to take y o u away f r o m y o u r
c o n v e r s a t i o n a n d t h e w o n d e r f u l f o o d , b u t t h e r e are a f e w t h i n g s
that I n e e d to say. T h i s is o n l y t h e s e c o n d t i m e that I have e v e r
b e e n a b e s t m a n . I h o p e t h a t I d i d t h e j o b w e l l t h e first t i m e .
W e l l , t h e b r i d e a n d g r o o m are still t a l k i n g t o m e ! U n f o r t u n a t e l y
t h o u g h , they're not talking to each other.
' B u t p e o p l e say t h a t I ' m n o t g u i l t y . Y e s , I d i d s a y i n m y s p e e c h
t h a t P i e r s , t h e g r o o m , h a d s l e p t w i t h P a u l a ' s y o u n g e r sister. B u t
Paula k n e w this already she really did! S h e w a s a bit s u r p r i s e d
t o h e a r that h e h a d also slept w i t h h e r m o t h e r . B u t I d o n ' t t h i n k
their v i o l e n t t w o - d a y m a r r i a g e b r o k e up b e c a u s e of that. I really
don't think so!'
M o s t people burst out laughing at the j o k e - C a r r i e is o n e of
t h e m a n d s o m e c l a p , b u t t h e r e ar e a f e w s t r a i g h t f a c e s .
' B u t o f c o u r s e I ' m h e r e t o d a y t o t a l k a b o u t A n g u s , a n d h e has
n o t h i n g t o h i d e , h a s h e ? W e l l , that's w h a t I t h o u g h t a t first . . . '
People

are

still l a u g h i n g , a s

Charles

becomes

serious

for a

moment.
'I'd l i k e t o say t h a t I d o t h i n k v e r y h i g h l y o f p e o p l e w h o g e t
m a r r i e d , like A n g u s a n d Laura. M a r r i a g e is a b i g step to take, a n d
I k n o w I c o u l d n ' t d o it. B u t I t h i n k it's w o n d e r f u l t h a t t h e y c a n .
N o w , back to A n g u s and those sheep!'

11

E v e r y b o d y l a u g h s a n d c l a p s , a n d t h e n C h a r l e s asks t h e m t o
raise t h e i r glasses a n d d r i n k t o A n g u s a n d L a u r a .

A f t e r t h e f o r m a l d i n n e r a n d s p e e c h e s , it's t i m e t o d a n c e . T h e b a n d
p l a y s , a n d L a u r a a n d A n g u s a s b r i d e a n d g r o o m are t h e first t o
c o m e o u t o n t o t h e d a n c e floor. L a u r a enjoys herself, a n d dances
in

v e r y lively

manner, but Angus

moves

stiffly P e r h a p s

he's

never heard p o p music before. Scarlett and T o m dance together.

T h e y are b o t h e n t h u s i a s t i c

dancers; Scarlett dances wildly, and

T o m v e r y badly, b u t they enjoy themselves e n o r m o u s l y . G a r e t h i s

d a n c i n g like a m a d m a n .
'When

I first saw

Gareth

dance,' M a t t h e w

tells

Charles, 'I

t h o u g h t to myself, " P e o p l e will be killed. Lives will be lost.'"

B u t C h a r l e s i s n o t really c o n c e n t r a t i n g o n w h a t M a t t h e w i s
s a y i n g . H e i s l o o k i n g f o r C a r r i e . W h e n h e sees her, she i s already
dancing with another man.
' S h e ' s pretty, isn't s h e ? ' M a t t h e w n o t i c e s that C h a r l e s i s l o o k i n g
a t h e r , 'Is i t l o v e ? '
T h i s m a y be true, but Charles is surprised and alarmed to hear
M a t t h e w say it.
' O h , g o o d G o d n o n o , it's t h e m a n t h a t she's d a n c i n g w i t h ! I
w a s a t s c h o o l w i t h h i m . I ' m j u s t t r y i n g t o r e m e m b e r his n a m e !
B u t - w e l l , if o n e d i d m e e t s o m e b o d y n i c e at a w e d d i n g are
t h e r e m e n w h o c o u l d ask a girl t o g o o u t w i t h t h e m a t o n c e ? O n
t h e s a m e day, I m e a n ? '
' I f t h e r e are,' s a i d M a t t h e w , ' t h e y ' r e n o t E n g l i s h . '
' E x a c t l y ! ' said C h a r l e s . 'I

m e a n - it usually takes me

about

t h r e e w e e k s t o ask.'
By

about

nine

o ' c l o c k , it's

getting dark, and

the

bride

and

g r o o m are a l m o s t r e a d y t o leave. L a u r a has d r u n k a l o t b y n o w ,

a n d she is

enthusiastically kissing s o m e

w h o she doesn't really k n o w .

12

of h e r distant cousins,

'They promised
bridesmaid,

me sex,' says

Lydia.

you'll get sex," they said.

hasn't.

Nobody

has

'Everybody said
'But has
been

it

it.

"If you're

happened?

No,

a
it

near me.'

' Y o u k n o w that I l o v e y o u , Jean, d o n ' t y o u ? ' she asks, a l m o s t i n

tears. S h e p u t s h e r a r m s a r o u n d J e a n . ' I l o v e y o u , I l o v e y o u a n d
M i k e v e r y m u c h . I've n e v e r m e t y o u b e f o r e , b u t I l o v e y o u b o t h ,
I really do.'
' D o n ' t w o r r y ' says A n g u s , h e r n e w h u s b a n d . ' S h e ' s d r u n k . W e l l ,
I h o p e she is or I ' m in real t r o u b l e ! '
Back

in

the

tent,

Lydia,

the

young

woman

who

was

bridesmaid at the marriage service, is sitting w i t h her h e a d in her

h a n d s . S h e l o o k s d e p r e s s e d . S h e i s still w e a r i n g h e r b r i d e s m a i d ' s
dress a n d t h e f l o w e r s a r o u n d h e r h e a d .
' H o w ' s i t g o i n g , L y d s ? ' asks B e r n a r d .
A w f u l . Just awful,' c o m p l a i n s L y d i a .
' O h dear. W h a t ' s t h e p r o b l e m ? '

13

'They promised

me

s e x , ' says

Lydia. 'Everybody

said

it. " I f

y o u ' r e a b r i d e s m a i d , y o u ' l l g e t sex," t h e y said. " A l l t h e m e n w i l l

w a n t y o u . Y o u ' l l h a v e t o f i g h t t h e m off." B u t has i t h a p p e n e d ?
N o , i t hasn't. N o b o d y has b e e n n e a r me.'
' W e l l , l o o k . . . ' said B e r n a r d , a little shy n o w , ' I m e a n i f y o u
l i k e - I c o u l d '
' D o n ' t be stupid, Bernard. I'm not desperate!' answers Lydia
sharply
' N o , no, of course

not sorry -

I just t h o u g h t -' Bernard

replies hurriedly.

W h e n t h e b r i d e a n d g r o o m are finally r e a d y t o g e t i n t h e i r car,

Laura throws her b u n c h o f flowers a t the guests. T h e person w h o
catches it will be the next person to get married - or so people
b e l i e v e . S c a r l e t t raises h e r h a n d t o c a t c h it, b u t fails. F i o n a s t e p s
o u t o f t h e w a y . A n d L y d i a i s t h e o n e w h o c a t c h e s it!
T h e c a r has a s t r i n g o f tins t i e d t o it, a n d r u d e t h i n g s w r i t t e n
o n it. T h i s i s t h e c u s t o m a t E n g l i s h w e d d i n g s . B u t w h e n A n g u s
and Laura o p e n the door, a large w h i t e sheep j u m p s out, w i t h a
b e l l t i e d a r o u n d its n e c k ! E v e r y b o d y l a u g h s . T h e y all w a v e a n d
s h o u t g o o d b y e a s t h e h a p p y c o u p l e are b e i n g d r i v e n a w a y . T h e y
are g o i n g o n t h e i r h o n e y m o o n .
C h a r l e s i s sad, t h o u g h , a s h e g o e s b a c k i n t o t h e t e n t . T h e b a n d
i s p l a y i n g ' L o v e i s A l l A r o u n d ' . O b v i o u s l y h e f e e l s t h a t it's n o t
t r u e f o r h i m . L a t e r o n , his g r o u p o f f r i e n d s b e g i n t o m a k e t h e i r
arrangements for the night.
' W h e r e are y o u s t a y i n g t o n i g h t , C h a r l e s ? ' asks T o m .
'Scarlett

and

are

g o i n g to

some

pub The

Lucky Boat?

S o m e t h i n g l i k e t h a t . A r e n ' t w e all s t a y i n g t h e r e ? '

' W e l l , n o - t h e p l a n h a s c h a n g e d . T h e o t h e r s a r e all c o m i n g
back

to

my

place. Nansy's

there

you

know, our lovely

old

servant. She'll probably c o o k u s s o m e b a c o n and eggs w h e n w e

14

get

there, and w e

c o u l d play s o m e

games. W o u l d y o u

like

to

come too?'
'Yes, excellent, thanks v e r y m u c h . Is there a r o o m for Scarlett,
too?'
' O h of course we've got a hundred and thirty-seven rooms
actually.'
T o m ' s ' p l a c e ' i s his f a m i l y castle. T h e h o u s e i n L o n d o n i s n o t
their o n l y h o m e .
' T o m , ' asks C h a r l e s , ' ar e y o u t h e r i c h e s t m a n i n E n g l a n d ? '
' O h n o , n o ! I b e l i e v e w e ' r e n u m b e r s e v e n o n t h e list. W e l l ,
t h e Q u e e n c o m e s first, o b v i o u s l y . A n d t h a t R i c h a r d B r a n s o n m a n
i s d o i n g v e r y w e l l w i t h his p o p m u s i c a n d his a e r o p l a n e s . * W e l l ,
excellent news -

I ' m glad that you're

c o m i n g . I'll

go

a n d tell

Scarlett.'
S u d d e n l y C a r r i e appears n e x t to Charles.
' H i ! ' says C h a r l e s , s u r p r i s e d . T t h o u g h t y o u ' d g o n e . '
' N o n o t y e t . I w a s j u s t w o n d e r i n g w h e r e are y o u s t a y i n g
tonight?'
' W e l l , I w a s g o i n g t o stay a t s o m e p u b - T h e L u c k y B o a t ? '
' B o a t m a n , ' C a r r i e tells h i m . ' T h e L u c k y B o a t m a n . '
' R i g h t . B u t n o w I ' m g o i n g t o stay w i t h s o m e f r i e n d s a t t h e i r
h o u s e . W e l l , I say h o u s e , b u t it's r e a l l y a n e n o r m o u s c a s t l e . . . '
' O h , w h a t a shame - because I ' m staying at the B o a t m a n . '
' O h ! ' says
invitation

Charles, surprised
but

he

doesn't

again. This
reply

is

quickly

really

enough.

perfect
He

is,

unfortunately, an Englishman!
'Well it was nice to m e e t y o u . T h o u g h we didn't quite meet,'
says C a r r i e . T l i k e d y o u r s p e e c h i t w a s g r e a t . '
' T h a n k s , ' says C h a r l e s . H e still f i n d s i t h a r d t o s a y a n y t h i n g , a n d
they stand there silently t o g e t h e r for a m o m e n t .
' I ' m g o i n g n o w , ' C a r r i e says.

* R i c h a r d Branson, a British businessman, o w n s the famous V i r g i n company.

15

' N o - don't! C o u l d n ' t we m e e t each other n o w ? T h e evening's

just starting!'
T h e y b o t h l o o k around at the tent, w h i c h is n o w in quite a
mess, w i t h bottles a n d chairs l y i n g o n the g r o u n d .
' W e b o t h k n o w t h a t ' s a b i g lie,' says C a r r i e , a n d s h e w a l k s a w a y .
' H e l l ! ' says C h a r l e s .
The

band

has

stopped

playing,

but

the

bride's

sister

and

b o y f r i e n d are b a c k w i t h t h e i r guitar. O n l y f o u r p e o p l e are t r y i n g

t o d a n c e n o w t o t h e i r m u s i c , w h i c h i s n o t v e r y l i v e l y . O t h e r s are
kissing, a n d a f e w really d r u n k p e o p l e have fallen asleep. O n e o f
t h e p a i r s t h a t a r e k i s s i n g i s B e r n a r d a n d L y d i a . T h e y are k i s s i n g
v e r y enthusiastically, and Lydia is quite breathless.
' B e r n a r d ! ' she cries in surprise. 'I didn't k n o w that it c o u l d be
like this!'
' G o d , ' says G a r e t h , l o o k i n g a r o u n d a t all t h e m e s s . H e h a t e s t h e
m u s i c t h a t i s b e i n g p l a y e d . ' W h a t a d i s a s t e r ! It's t i m e f o r t h e c a s t l e .
H o w a b o u t y o u , T o m are y o u d r u n k ? C a n y o u d r i v e u s safely?'
' O f c o u r s e , o f c o u r s e , ' says T o m . ' I ' v e h a d n o t h i n g t o d r i n k t h e
w h o l e e v e n i n g . ' B u t w h e n h e s t a n d s u p , h e n e a r l y falls o v e r ! H e
must have d r u n k m o r e than he thinks!

T h e g r o u p o f f r i e n d s g e t i n t o T o m ' s b i g car, a n d t h e y d r i v e a w a y
t h r o u g h t h e q u i e t c o u n t r y s i d e u n d e r t h e stars. T h e y ' r e t r y i n g t o
sing, b u t t h e y ' r e f i n d i n g t h e h i g h bits q u i t e difficult.
C h a r l e s says, ' T o m , c a n y o u s t o p t h e car?'
T o m brakes suddenly.
' S o r r y , ' C h a r l e s a p o l o g i s e s . T t h i n k I will g o t o t h e p u b . '
' B u t w h y ? ' asks T o m .
' A h ' Charles is

uncomfortable, and doesn't k n o w exactly

w h a t t o say.
E v e r y o n e m a k e s a j o k e o f it.
' N o , s e r i o u s l y , ' says C h a r l e s . ' I ' m w r i t i n g a b o u t p u b s t h a t h a v e

16

t h e w o r d " b o a t " i n t h e i r n a m e . M y b o o k w i l l b e t h e first o n t h e

subject.'
' D o w h a t y o u l i k e , ' says T o m , a n d C h a r l e s j u m p s o u t . H e i s
n o w standing in the dark in the middle of a road, s o m e w h e r e in
the c o u n t r y s i d e . H e s u d d e n l y feels v e r y m u c h a l o n e . A n d h o w i s
h e g o i n g t o f i n d this p u b ?
' H m m , a n o d d d e c i s i o n , ' says C h a r l e s t o h i m s e l f .
H e sets o f f i n t h e o p p o s i t e d i r e c t i o n d o w n t h e d a r k c o u n t r y
road. H e d o e s m a n a g e t o find his w a y t o t h e p u b , t h o u g h b y t h e
time he arrives, it is a b o u t o n e o ' c l o c k in the m o r n i n g . It seems
very quiet in the hotel reception w h e r e Charles should c h e c k in.
Charles is just a b o u t to ring the bell on the front desk w h e n he
sees C a r r i e . S h e is sitting p e a c e f u l l y in a large, c o m f o r t a b l e chair.
' H e l l o , ' says C h a r l e s .
S h e l o o k s at h i m w i t h a question in her eyes, but she is smiling
too.
'Hi.'
' T h e r e wasn't e n o u g h r o o m for everybody,' Charles lies,'so ...'
' Y o u s a i d i t w a s a castle,' C a r r i e r e m i n d s h i m .
' D i d I ? Y e s , that's t r u e i t i s a c a s t l e . B u t it's a v e r y s m a l l o n e .
O n l y o n e r o o m upstairs a n d o n e r o o m d o w n s t a i r s v e r y rare!'
T h e y b o t h enjoy the joke.
A w a i t e r c o m e s i n a n d asks C h a r l e s , ' W o u l d y o u l i k e a d r i n k ,
sir?'
Charles orders a drink for himself, and o n e for C a r r i e t o o . B u t
w h e n he turns r o u n d , there is no C a r r i e w h e r e has she g o n e ?
T h e n G e o r g e w a l k s d o w n t h e stairs. H e i s t h e b o r i n g m a n w h o
read

loudly

in

church.

He

is

whistling

and

he

seems

happy.

Charles understands.
' Y o u ' r e h e r e t o o ! ' says G e o r g e .
' H e l l o , ' says C h a r l e s .
'You

haven't

seen

Carrie,

speaking loudly.

17

have

you?'

George

is

still

' W h o ? ' asks C h a r l e s , t h i n k i n g fast.

' C a r r i e . A m e r i c a n girl. L o v e l y legs. W e d d i n g guest. N i c e smell.'
' N o sorry' answers Charles.
' D a m n . I t h o u g h t I had a g o o d chance w i t h her!'
S u d d e n l y , C a r r i e ' s h e a d appears a b o v e the sofa, w h e r e she has
b e e n h i d i n g . S h e m a k e s a terrible face to s h o w that he had no
c h a n c e w i t h h e r a t all! O n l y C h a r l e s c a n s e e , f o r t u n a t e l y .
' L o o k , i f y o u see her, c o u l d y o u tell h e r that I ' m i n m y r o o m ? '
asks G e o r g e , n o t v e r y p l e a s e d .
' Y e s , y e s , ' says C h a r l e s , h o p i n g t h a t h e ' l l g o a w a y q u i c k l y .
B u t just then, the waiter c o m e s back w i t h the t w o drinks.
' O n e f o r y o u , sir,' h e says, ' a n d o n e f o r t h e '
' O n e f o r t h e r o a d ! ' says C h a r l e s b r i g h t l y , b e f o r e t h e w a i t e r c a n
say ' l a d y ' .
' A c t u a l l y , I t h i n k I'd l i k e a d r i n k t o o ! C a n I j o i n y o u ? '
' Y e s l o v e l y i d e a , ' says C h a r l e s u n h a p p i l y .
' A n o t h e r d r i n k h e r e a n d a c i g a r ! ' G e o r g e calls o u t t o t h e w a i t e r .
' N o , let's h a v e a b o t t l e ! W e ' l l d r i n k till d a y l i g h t , e h , C h a r l e s ? '
C h a r l e s sits d o w n o n t h e s o f a , a n d G e o r g e o n a c h a i r . C h a r l e s
k n o w s C a r r i e is b e h i n d t h e sofa. S h e is t r y i n g to escape.
' L o v e l y w e d d i n g , ' says G e o r g e .
' Y e s , ' says C h a r l e s , w o n d e r i n g h o w h e c a n g e t a w a y .
T w a s at s c h o o l w i t h A n g u s ' s brother, Buffy. E x c e l l e n t m a n ,
t h o u g h h e l i k e d little b o y s t o o m u c h . Still, i t t a u g h t m e a f e w o f
life's l e s s o n s . W h e r e d o y o u k n o w t h e b r i d e a n d g r o o m f r o m ? '
' A n g u s a n d Laura? O h , f r o m university,' answers C h a r l e s . H e i s
not exactly enjoying the conversation.
'Yes, yes,

excellent

place.

didn't

go

to

university

myself

t h o u g h . I w o r k i n t h e m o n e y m a r k e t s , y o u k n o w . W h a t g o o d are
b o o k s t h e r e ? N o t m u c h a t all.'
' E x c u s e m e sir.' T h e w a i t e r i s b a c k a g a i n . H e h a s a m e s s a g e f o r
C h a r l e s . ' Y o u r w i f e asks y o u t o g o u p s t a i r s a t o n c e . R o o m T w e l v e .
S h e said that y o u m a y b e t o o d r u n k t o r e m e m b e r t h e n u m b e r . '

18

' M y w i f e ? ' asks C h a r l e s , i n s u r p r i s e .

' Y e s , sir,' t h e w a i t e r r e p l i e s .
' O h y e s , o f c o u r s e , m y w i f e ! ' C h a r l e s says, a s h e u n d e r s t a n d s .
' Y o u m u s t b e d r u n k ! ' says G e o r g e . ' Y o u c a n ' t e v e n r e m e m b e r
whether you've got a wife!'
' Y e s will you excuse me?'
' O h yes, off y o u go! G o o d luck! Well, I haven't g o t a wife, so
I'll g o a n d l o o k f o r t h a t K a t i e w o m a n . '
' C a r r i e , ' says C h a r l e s .
' Y e s , that's t h e o n e . A f i n e g i r l . I t h i n k I m i g h t b e l u c k y t h e r e ! '

Upstairs, Charles k n o c k s o n the d o o r o f n u m b e r twelve. H e i s

q u i t e n e r v o u s . C a r r i e o p e n s it.
' H i , ' s h e says.
' H e l l o . I ' m s o r r y a b o u t that.'
' N o , that's f i n e i t w a s i m p o s s i b l e t o g e t r i d o f h i m . '
'Yes perhaps we s h o u l d just w a n d e r a b o u t up here for a bit,
then go back down.'
' T h a t ' s a t h o u g h t , ' says C a r r i e . ' I d o n ' t u s u a l l y w a n d e r , b u t I can
w a n d e r if I n e e d to. Do y o u w a n d e r a lot?' S h e is g e n t l y j o k i n g
with him.
' N o , ' says C h a r l e s , still n e r v o u s , ' I ' m n o t r e a l l y a w a n d e r e r I
don't usually w a n d e r a lot b u t '
' W e l l , ' C a r r i e says, ' w h y d o n ' t y o u c o m e i n a n d w a n d e r h e r e a
little, a n d t h e n w e ' l l s e e ? '
S h e leads h i m i n t o the r o o m .
'It's s t r a n g e , ' s h e says. ' T h e b r i d e a n d b r i d e g r o o m d i d n ' t kiss i n
the church. W h e r e I c o m e from, kissing is very popular.'
'Is it? Y e s , I t h i n k y o u ' r e r i g h t . ' C h a r l e s i s s p e a k i n g fast. ' I t h i n k
E n g l i s h p e o p l e ar e p r o b a b l y m o r e s h y '
' I always worry,' c o n t i n u e s C a r r i e , 'that I w o u l d g o t o o far i n
the church y o u

know, at the place in the marriage service

19

Carrie

kisses

Charles

on

the

mouth.

w h e r e t h e g r o o m c a n kiss t h e b r i d e . I m i g h t n o t s t o p a t k i s s i n g '
' H o w f a r i s t o o f a r ? ' asks C h a r l e s , c o m i n g v e r y c l o s e t o h e r .
'Oh, I

d o n ' t k n o w . ' S h e g i v e s h i m a v e r y s m a l l kiss o n t h e

c h e e k . ' T h a t w o u l d b e all r i g h t , I t h i n k . '

' Y e s , ' says C h a r l e s . ' T h a t w o u l d b e f i n e . '
' P e r h a p s it's n o t e n o u g h , ' says C a r r i e . ' M a y b e t h i s w o u l d b e
better.' S h e kisses h i m o n t h e m o u t h .
' Y e s . B u t i t m i g h t b e d a n g e r o u s t o g o f u r t h e r , ' says C h a r l e s ,
nervous again.
T h e n t h e y kiss f o r a l o n g t i m e .
' T h a t m i g h t b e t o o f a r . . . ' says C h a r l e s .
' A n d this?' asks C a r r i e . It is a f e w m i n u t e s later, a n d t h e y are in
b e d , m a k i n g l o v e . ' D o y o u t h i n k t h e priest m i g h t b e a little bit
w o r r i e d a b o u t this?'

20

' Y e s , ' says C h a r l e s . ' I t h i n k h e m i g h t b e . '

T h e y kiss a g a i n , a n d s p e n d t h e n i g h t t o g e t h e r .

The

pub

is

in

the

middle

of the

countryside.

It

looks

very

p e a c e f u l i n t h e m o r n i n g . C a r r i e g e t s u p first a n d p a c k s . W h e n
Charles w a k e s up, she is already z i p p i n g up her bag. H e r face
looks beautiful in the early m o r n i n g light.
' W h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g ? ' asks C h a r l e s .
'I have to go,' she answers.
'But w h e r e to?'
'To America.'
' T h a t ' s a t r a g e d y , ' h e says.
'But before

go, w h e n

are

you

going

to

tell

everybody?'

C a r r i e asks h i m .
' T e l l e v e r y b o d y ? ' C h a r l e s asks i n s u r p r i s e . ' T e l l t h e m w h a t ? '
' W e l l , y o u ' l l tell t h e m that w e ' r e g o i n g t o g e t m a r r i e d , w o n ' t
you?'
'Get married?' He is alarmed now.
' W e s l e p t t o g e t h e r last n i g h t w e m a d e l o v e s o t h a t m e a n s
w e ' r e g e t t i n g m a r r i e d , doesn't it?'
' W e l l - yes oh dear we n e e d to t h i n k hard a b o u t this, y o u
k n o w , ' h e says u n h a p p i l y .
T h e n s u d d e n l y h e n o t i c e s she's s m i l i n g .
' O h , y o u ' r e j o k i n g ! ' h e says. ' T h a n k G o d !

For a moment, I

thought I was in one of those awful films. Y o u k n o w the kind

w h e r e the w o m a n spends a night w i t h a m a n and murders h i m if
h e w o n ' t m a r r y her.'
' N o , ' says C a r r i e , g e n t l y . ' W e ' r e n o t i n o n e o f t h o s e f i l m s . B u t I
think w e ' v e b o t h missed a great chance here. G o o d b y e ! '
S h e leaves t h e r o o m a n d C h a r l e s lies d o w n i n t h e b e d . H e
looks thoughtful and confused.

21

Chapter 2 T h e Second Wedding

You are invited to the wedding of Bernard and Lydia at noon on
August

1st at the

Church

Cripplegate,

of St Mary
London

of the Fields,

EC2

I t i s t h r e e m o n t h s later, a n d C h a r l e s ' s a l a r m c l o c k i s o n c e a g a i n
r i n g i n g b y his b e d . C h a r l e s s t r e t c h e s o u t h i s h a n d a n d t u r n s i t off. H e
g o e s b a c k t o sleep again. H e likes t o sleep until n o o n , w h e n e v e r h e
c a n . S c a r l e t t i s still a s l e e p i n h e r u n t i d y b e d r o o m . S o m e t i m e later,
t h e r e i s a l o u d s h o u t f r o m C h a r l e s ' s r o o m . H e has w o k e n u p , a t last.
' O h hell!'
H e j u m p s o u t o f b e d , a n d runs i n t o Scarlett, dressed o n l y i n
his u n d e r c l o t h e s .
' O h G o d ! ' says S c a r l e t t , w h e n s h e l o o k s a t h e r c l o c k .
T h e y r u n o u t of the h o u s e before they have finished putting
on their formal w e d d i n g clothes. Scarlett is trying to p u t on a
silly p i n k dress w i t h a n e n o r m o u s skirt, b u t s h e can't z i p i t u p
right. S h e is g o i n g to be a bridesmaid.
' C a r o r t a x i ? ' s h e a s k s , still r u n n i n g .
' T a x i , ' says C h a r l e s . ' W e w o n ' t b e a b l e t o p a r k t h e car.'
T h e y g e t t o t h e c o r n e r o f t h e s t r e e t a n d start l o o k i n g f o r a
taxi. B u t t h e r e isn't o n e a n y w h e r e .
' W e l l , m a y b e t h e c a r i s a b e t t e r i d e a , ' says C h a r l e s .
T h e y r u s h d o w n a n o t h e r s t r e e t t o f i n d S c a r l e t t ' s car. B u t w h e n
they get there, it can't be m o v e d . Scarlett must have parked it in
the w r o n g place and the wheels have b e e n locked by the police.
'Damn!' they both shout at once.
T h e y w i l l h a v e t o g o o n f o o t . T h e y r u n a s fast a s t h e y c a n .
' T h e s e r v i c e w i l l start b e f o r e w e g e t there,' C h a r l e s t h i n k s t o
himself.

22

Charles and Scarlett get to the

taxi.

But

corner

there

of the street and start looking for a

isn't one

anywhere.

T h e s k i r t s o f S c a r l e t t ' s silly p i n k dress fly u p i n t h e w i n d a n d ,

a s s h e r u n s , a p i e c e o f t h e d r e s s falls off.
C h a r l e s i s g o i n g t o s t o p a n d p i c k i t u p , b u t S c a r l e t t says, ' L e a v e
it! N o b o d y w i l l n o t i c e ! '
T h e y r u n all t h e w a y t o t h e c h u r c h , a n d a s t h e y g e t n e a r , t h e y
can

hear

the

bells

ringing

loudly.

Some

of their

friends

are

already there - Fiona, M a t t h e w , G a r e t h and D a v i d .

' S o r r y I ' m late,' says C h a r l e s . ' T h e traffic w a s a w f u l . '
T h e y all l o o k a t h i m ; n o b o d y b e l i e v e s h i m a t all.
' Y e s , w e l l ' says C h a r l e s . ' N o w , w h o ' s g e t t i n g m a r r i e d t o d a y ? '
H e reads t h e w e d d i n g card, p r e t e n d i n g that h e d o e s n ' t k n o w .

23

T h e y all g o i n t o t h e c h u r c h , w h e r e t h e w e d d i n g i s a b o u t t o start.
A

young

priest

comes

in,

looking

worried

and

nervous.

It's

F a t h e r G e r a l d , w h o t h e y m e t a t t h e last w e d d i n g r e c e p t i o n . H e ' s
f i n i s h e d h i s s t u d y i n g , a n d n o w h e ' s a real p r i e s t .
Today T o m

is

best

man. He

has

remembered

to

bring the

rings, o n e e a c h for the b r i d e a n d g r o o m . H e takes t h e m o u t o f

his p o c k e t a n d s h o w s t h e m t o C h a r l e s , h o l d i n g t h e m u p t o his
eyes like a pair of glasses. C h a r l e s smiles a n d w a v e s at h i m .
A s t h e w e d d i n g m u s i c starts, t h e b r i d e a n d h e r b r i d e s m a i d s
enter the c h u r c h . T h e b r i d e , o f course, i s Lydia, w h o f i r s t kissed
h e r b r i d e g r o o m , B e r n a r d , a t t h e last w e d d i n g r e c e p t i o n . T h e r e ar e
f o u r b r i d e s m a i d s . T w o are little girls a n d t w o are w o m e n . O n e o f
t h e m i s S c a r l e t t . A s s h e w a l k s u p t h e aisle, e v e r y o n e c a n s e e h e r
b r i g h t b l u e u n d e r c l o t h e s . T h e p i e c e o f h e r d r e s s t h a t fell o f f h a s
l e f t a l a r g e h o l e i n t h e b a c k o f h e r d r e s s ! S c a r l e t t i s still w e a r i n g
h e r sunglasses t o o she l o o k s quite strange! S h e takes t h e m off
just as they reach the priest. B e r n a r d is standing there by the
priest, w a i t i n g for his b r i d e .
Father

Gerald

begins

to

read

the

words

of the

marriage

service. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , b e c a u s e h e i s v e r y n e r v o u s , h e gets s o m e
o f the w o r d s w r o n g . E v e r y b o d y bursts o u t l a u g h i n g .
'It's h i s f i r s t w e d d i n g , y o u see,' M a t t h e w w h i s p e r s t o C h a r l e s .
' H e ' s a f r i e n d of t h e family.'
' A h . E x c e l l e n t , ' says C h a r l e s . H e f i n d s i t v e r y a m u s i n g .
F a t h e r G e r a l d calls B e r n a r d ' L y d i a ' b y m i s t a k e . A n d w h e n h e
d o e s g e t t h e g r o o m ' s n a m e r i g h t , h e d o e s n ' t k n o w h o w t o say
B e r n a r d ' s m i d d l e n a m e . It's w r i t t e n ' S t J o h n ' a n d s p o k e n a s ' S i n j u n ' .
' . . . B e r n a r d G e o f f r e y S i j j j j j j e r n D e l a n e y ' says F a t h e r G e r a l d ,
h u r r i e d l y . E v e r y o n e i s s m i l i n g . T h i s i s all v e r y e n t e r t a i n i n g .
N o w , as the priest speaks, the bride and g r o o m have to repeat
t h e s a m e w o r d s after h i m .
' I B e r n a r d D e l a n e y ' says F a t h e r G e r a l d , l e a v i n g o u t t h e S t
J o h n part n o w . ' D o take y o u , Lydia Jane H i b b o t t , t o b e m y awful

24

w e d d e d w i f e . ' T h i s i s n o t w h a t h e s h o u l d say a t all!

He is so

n e r v o u s that he's g e t t i n g the w o r d s m i x e d u p !

'To

be

my

lawful w e d d e d w i f e , ' B e r n a r d says. T h e s e

are

the

w o r d s F a t h e r G e r a l d s h o u l d h a v e said.
' T h a t ' s r i g h t . T h a t ' s r i g h t , ' says F a t h e r G e r a l d . H e d o e s n ' t k n o w
exactly w h a t he's d o i n g n o w , b u t s o m e h o w t h e y g e t t o the e n d o f
the service.
'Well done!' shouts Gareth, clapping, and the others c o p y h i m.
It's l i k e

b e i n g at the

theatre, a n d after t h e

service, e v e r y b o d y

congratulates the priest. G e r a l d is v e r y pleased w i t h himself, and

i s s m i l i n g t o o , n o w t h a t it's all o v e r .

T h e reception is being held in an elegant L o n d o n

hotel. T h e

guests s e e m t o b e f r o m r i c h , u p p e r - c l a s s families. A l l t h e m e n are

w e a r i n g f o r m a l w e d d i n g coats, a n d t h e w o m e n are i n e x p e n s i v e
dresses. L y d i a , t h e b r i d e , i s i n a n e x c e l l e n t m o o d ; s h e i s l a u g h i n g
and

kissing

Matthew

the

have

guests
already

as

they

found

arrive.

the

Charles,

drinks. T h e y

Gareth
are

used

and
to

weddings, and k n o w exactly w h a t to do.

'Do

you

know what

think

about

m a r r i a g e ? ' asks

Gareth.

' T w o p e o p l e are i n l o v e . T h e y l i v e t o g e t h e r , t h e n s u d d e n l y t h e y
can't t h i n k o f a n y t h i n g t o say t o e a c h o t h e r . T h e y ' r e w o r r i e d
w h a t are t h e y g o i n g t o d o ? T h e n t h e m a n h a s a n i d e a . '
' W h a t ? ' asks C h a r l e s .
' T h e y ' l l g e t m a r r i e d ! A n d t h e n t h e y ' v e g o t s o m e t h i n g t o talk
a b o u t f o r t h e rest o f t h e i r l i v e s . '
'So

people

get

married

when

they

can't

communicate

properly any m o r e . Is that w h a t you're s a y i n g ? ' .

' Y e s , that's r i g h t . T o m ! ' T o m , t h e b e s t m a n , h a s c o m e t o j o i n
them. 'How's the speech?'
'Fine g o o d , I think. S o m e t h i n g for e v e r y o n e - yes, the j o k e s
w i l l raise a f e w s m i l e s , a n d t h e r e s h o u l d b e a f e w tears t o o , ' T o m says.

25

' E x c e l l e n t ! ' says G a r e t h .

'It's a n i n t e r e s t i n g i d e a , G a r e t h , ' says C h a r l e s .
' O f course,

there's

another

idea.

Some

people

think

that

w e d d i n g s a r e a b o u t t r u e l o v e , ' says M a t t h e w , l o o k i n g a t G a r e t h .
' W e l l , that's
listened

thought,'

seriously;

Charles

Charles
is

very

replies

lightly. B u t

confused

about

he

has

love

and

marriage at the m o m e n t .
T h e r e c e p t i o n i s v e r y b u s y n o w , full o f w e l l - d r e s s e d guests w h o
are d r i n k i n g a n d c h a t t i n g , l a u g h i n g a n d calling t o o n e a n o t h e r .
C h a r l e s i s j u s t f e t c h i n g t h r e e m o r e d r i n k s , w h e n a v o i c e says, ' H i . '
H e t u r n s r o u n d . It's C a r r i e . S h e l o o k s w o n d e r f u l .
' H e l l o , ' says C h a r l e s , a n d n e a r l y d r o p s t h e d r i n k s .
' H o w are y o u ? ' asks C a r r i e .
'Fine. Fine. S o r r y I ' m so surprised, and so pleased to see y o u .
D o n ' t g o b a c k t o A m e r i c a ! P l e a s e ! W a i t h e r e I'll b e b a c k i n t w o
seconds. O K ? '
' O K , ' she smiles.
He rushes b a c k to the others.
'That's

yours. A n d

that's

yours,' he

says, g i v i n g

them

their

d r i n k s . ' S e e y o u i n five h o u r s . '

' H a s s o m e t h i n g h a p p e n e d ? ' asks G a r e t h .
' Y e s y e s this is a g r e a t w e d d i n g , y o u k n o w ! '
B u t w h e n h e finds C a r r i e again, things d o n ' t g o q u i t e a s h e
planned.
' H i . Y o u l o o k p e r f e c t . I n f a c t , y o u p r o b a b l y are p e r f e c t . H o w
are y o u ? '
' I ' m r e a l l y w e l l . C h a r l e s , I'd l i k e y o u t o m e e t H a m i s h . H a m i s h
a n d I are g o i n g to g e t m a r r i e d . '
T h i s i s a h o r r i b l e s h o c k f o r C h a r l e s , b u t h e t r i e s t o h i d e it.
'Excellent, excellent. I'm happy to meet you, Hamish. Lovely
surprise t o find C a r r i e b a c k i n this c o u n t r y again.'
H a m i s h i s a n e l e g a n t a n d c o n f i d e n t m a n o f a b o u t fifty. H e i s
Scottish.

26

'Yes, w e l l , it w a s n ' t easy! I h a d to w o r k h a r d she d i d n ' t w a n t

t o c o m e a t first. C o m e o n , C a r r i e d e a r , I w a n t y o u t o m e e t J a m e s .
He's w a i t i n g for us over there. H e ' l l think that I can't c o n t r o l y o u
a t all, i f w e d o n ' t g o a n d f i n d h i m n o w ! ' H e h o l d s o u t h i s h a n d t o
C a r r i e , a n d she takes it.
' I ' l l s e e y o u later,' s h e says i n a f r i e n d l y w a y t o C h a r l e s , a s s h e
walks away w i t h H a m i s h .
Charles is shocked and very unhappy. He is unhappy about
Carrie, of course, but w h y is

he

so

very u n h a p p y ?

He

doesn't

quite understand h i m s e l f at the m o m e n t . He doesn't feel in the

m o o d t o j o i n i n w i t h t h e p a r t y a n y m o r e , a n d h e sits d o w n a l o n e .
Later, M a t t h e w c o m e s u p t o talk t o h i m .
' H o w are y o u d o i n g , C h a r l e s ? ' M a t t h e w asks.
' A c t u a l l y , n o t g r e a t , ' says C h a r l e s . ' N o t g r e a t a t all, really. I d o n ' t
k n o w what's h a p p e n i n g here? W h y am I always at w e d d i n g s but
never getting married? W h a t does it mean?'
Y o u ' r e n o t s m a r t e n o u g h , ' says M a t t h e w . ' O r p e r h a p s i t c o u l d
b e b e c a u s e y o u h a v e n ' t m e t t h e r i g h t girl.'
' A h , b u t i s that r i g h t ? ' C h a r l e s asks. ' M a y b e I h a v e m e t t h e
r i g h t g i r l . M a y b e I m e e t t h e r i g h t g i r l s all t h e t i m e . M a y b e it's m e
- I'm the problem.'
' O h , r u b b i s h ! ' says M a t t h e w .

A n d t h e n it's t i m e f o r d i n n e r . E v e r y o n e h a s b e e n t o l d t o l o o k a t a
w r i t t e n t a b l e p l a n t o f i n d o u t w h e r e t h e y h a v e t o sit. I t h a s all
b e e n o r g a n i z e d v e r y carefully.
'Come

o n , ' says

Matthew, 'you'll probably m e e t y o u r future

w i f e at dinner.'
Charles looks

at the

table

plan. ' O h

my

doesn't tell M a t t h e w w h y h e i s s o a l a r m e d .

27

God!' he

says, b u t

F i o n a is already sitting at a n o t h e r table, n e x t to an upper-class

o l d e r w o m a n w h o i s w e a r i n g a b r i g h t b l u e dress a n d a b r i g h t
b l u e hat. H e r n a m e i s M r s B e a u m o n t .
' A r e y o u m a r r i e d ? ' s h e asks F i o n a i m m e d i a t e l y
'No.' Fiona answers.
' D o y o u p r e f e r w o m e n ? ' asks M r s B e a u m o n t .
' G o o d G o d ! ' says F i o n a . ' W h a t m a d e y o u say t h a t ? '
' W e l l , it's a p o s s i b i l i t y t h e s e d a y s , i s n ' t i t ? ' M r s B e a u m o n t says.
' A n d it's a n i n t e r e s t i n g o n e . It's v e r y b o r i n g i f y o u j u s t say, " O h ,
dear, I've n e v e r f o u n d t h e r i g h t m a n ! ' "
Fiona laughs. ' Q u i t e right. W h y b e boring?'
' T h a n k y o u , ' says M r s B e a u m o n t .
' W e l l , ' F i o n a c o n t i n u e s , ' I h a v e m e t t h e r i g h t p e r s o n , y o u see.
B u t he's n o t in l o v e w i t h m e . U n t i l I stop l o v i n g h i m , I can't g e t
interested in other men.'
' B a d l u c k , ' says h e r n e w f r i e n d .
' Y e s , i s n ' t i t ? ' says F i o n a . ' I d i d g o w i t h a n o t h e r g i r l o n c e , a t
s c h o o l b u t it was o n l y for a b o u t fifteen m i n u t e s . I d o n ' t t h i n k
that really m e a n s a n y t h i n g , d o y o u ? '

C h a r l e s h a s n o w f o u n d h i s t a b l e , a n d sits d o w n w i t h t w o m e n
a n d f o u r y o u n g w o m e n , w h o a r e all a t t r a c t i v e a n d a b o u t t h e s a m e
age as h i m . His brother D a v i d is there too. Charles looks very
embarrassed and uncomfortable.
' H i , ' says C h a r l e s t o o n e o f t h e m e n .
' H e l l o , I ' m Alistair. Y o u k n o w V e r o n i c a , d o n ' t y o u ? '
' Y e s , ' says
Nicki!

Charles, v e r y n e r v o u s now. 'Yes hello Vee!

Hi,

G r e a t t o see y o u . ' H e c a n see C a r r i e o n a n o t h e r table.

She's l a u g h i n g w i t h M a t t h e w and Gareth. Charles w o u l d m u c h

rather be at their table.
A l i s t a i r s e e m s t o b e g i v i n g t h e m all a l e s s o n o n t e a . ' T h e r e a r e
a b o u t f o u r h u n d r e d d i f f e r e n t k i n d s o f t e a , a n d all t h e f r u i t teas a s

28

w e l l . I t o o k V e r o n i c a o u t to India at C h r i s t m a s to see the places

w h e r e t h e y g r o w it.'
' E x c e l l e n t , ' says C h a r l e s .
' Y o u and Veronica w e n t to India together, didn't y o u Charles?'
Alistair asks.
'That's

right,'

Charles

answers.

So

Veronica

was

once

girlfriend of Charles's.
' C h a r l e s w a s h o r r i b l e , ' says V e r o n i c a . ' I w a s r e a l l y ill, a n d h e j u s t
j o k e d all t h e t i m e . '
'I was o n l y t r y i n g to m a k e y o u feel better, Vee.'
' O h , y o u ' r e that V e r o n i c a , ' says N i c k i .
' W h i c h Veronica?' Veronica

asks. ' C h a r l i e

what

have

you

b e e n saying?' She's w o r r i e d t o o now.

B u t Charles doesn't w a n t to answer the question. ' R e m e m b e r
B o m b a y ? ' h e asks b r i g h t l y .
N i c k i continues. ' W h e n Charles and I w e r e g o i n g o u t together,'
- s o she's a n o t h e r o l d g i r l f r i e n d o f his ' h e t o l d m e a b o u t t h i s
"interesting" j o u r n e y

he'd

taken

round

India

with

"Vomiting

V e r o n i c a " . Y e s , I t h i n k that's r i g h t . I ' m s u r e that's w h a t h e c a l l e d her.'

' D i d I r e a l l y s a y t h a t ? ' asks C h a r l e s q u i c k l y . ' N o I d o n ' t t h i n k
so - '
'Oh

come

o n , C h a r l e s , ' says

Martha, w h o

is

old

girlfriend

n u m b e r three at the table. ' Y o u c o u l d n e v e r k e e p a secret. Y o u ' r e

hopeless.'
C h a r l e s is certainly in a h o r r i b l e mess n o w .
' M a r t h a , that's n o t q u i t e t r u e '
' I ' m s u r e i t is, C h a r l e s , ' says N i c k i .
'I remember another thing you

told me,' M a r t h a

continues.

' A b o u t a girlfriend that y o u had called H e l e n a . H e r m o t h e r liked

y o u too. S h e w a n t e d t o g o t o b e d w i t h y o u ! Y o u told m e that y o u
didn't k n o w w h a t t o d o . " W o u l d i t b e r u d e t o refuse h e r ? " y o u
asked y o u r s e l f
' T h a t ' s r i g h t ! ' adds N i c k i . ' Y o u said t h a t t h e y w e r e b o t h a s fat

29

as pigs! M r s Piggy, and Miss P i g g y '

' I t h i n k p e r h a p s ' says C h a r l e s , b u t t h e t h r e e g i r l s are l a u g h i n g
loudly and they're not listening to him.
Finally, t h e f o u r t h

girl, w h o

is

sitting quietly n e x t to

him,

s p e a k s . ' W e ' v e b o t h l o s t w e i g h t s i n c e t h e n , m y m o t h e r a n d I,' s h e

says, t a k i n g a n o t h e r c h o c o l a t e .
I t i s a d i s a s t e r f o r C h a r l e s . B u t f o r t u n a t e l y it's n o w t i m e f o r t h e
speeches.
' A h - g r e a t s p e e c h e s ! ' h e says. A t l e a s t t h e y c a n ' t t a l k a b o u t
h i m a n y m o r e u n t i l later.
E v e r y o n e claps T o m a s h e stands up.
'Yes w h e n B e r n a r d told me he was getting married to Lydia,
I c o n g r a t u l a t e d h i m . A l l his o t h e r g i r l f r i e n d s w e r e real d o g s , y o u
see! A n d o f c o u r s e , I ' m d e l i g h t e d t o see s o m a n y o f t h e m here
this e v e n i n g . . . '
It is a terrible speech, but T o m thinks he is d o i n g well. So does
G a r e t h ! H e s e e m s t o e n j o y really awful things.
' C a m i l l a i s o n e o f t h e m it's l o v e l y t o s e e y o u a g a i n , C a m i l l a !
S h e w a s t h e first p e r s o n w h o B e r n a r d w a n t e d t o m a r r y . S h e t o l d
h i m t o g o t o h e l l ! It's l u c k y f o r L y d i a t h a t s h e d i d ! '
When

the

d i n n e r a n d the f o r m a l parts

o f t h e r e c e p t i o n are

over, C h a r l e s a n d his friends are free t o m e e t u p again. T h e y f i n d

s o m e c o m f o r t a b l e s o f a s , a n d sit d o w n t o g e t h e r t o c h a t .
Gareth is talking about the w e d d i n g dinner. For once, he is not
b e i n g rude. ' W e h a d a lovely girl at o u r table C a r r i e . She's g o i n g
to m a r r y a m a n called H a m i s h . He's v e r y rich and o w n s half of
S c o t l a n d . S o , h o w a r e y o u ? ' h e asks C h a r l e s .
'This

is

the

wedding

from

hell!'

Charles

answers.

'Old

g i r l f r i e n d s e v e r y w h e r e . I'll p r o b a b l y m e e t H e n r i e t t a n e x t . T h a t ' l l
really finish the day off for m e ! '
' H e l l o , C h a r l e s , ' a v o i c e says f r o m b e h i n d h i m . It's H e n r i e t t a
a n d , o f c o u r s e , she's also o n e o f C h a r l e s ' s o l d g i r l f r i e n d s . C h a r l e s
s e e m s t o h a v e n o l u c k a t all t o d a y . H e n r i e t t a i s a tall, d a r k g i r l , a n d

30

she i s u s u a l l y q u i t e attractive. B u t n o w h e r f a c e i s w h i t e , a n d s h e
looks very unhappy. Charles is feeling bad, but Henrietta seems
to feel e v e n w o r s e .
' H e l l o , H e n , h o w a r e y o u ? ' says

Charles

brightly, trying to

p r e t e n d t h a t e v e r y t h i n g i s all r i g h t . H e h o p e s t h a t s h e d i d n o t
h e a r h i s last f e w w o r d s .
S h e is silent for a m o m e n t , t h e n she bursts i n t o tears.
' O h , H e n , ' says C h a r l e s , s y m p a t h e t i c a l l y .
H e l e n a j u m p s u p f r o m the sofa i n a t e m p e r . ' W h y can't y o u
just leave her alone? Haven't y o u hurt her e n o u g h ? '
S h e leads H e n r i e t t a away.
C h a r l e s g e t s u p . ' E x c u s e m e , ' h e says t o G a r e t h . ' I t h i n k I a m a
w a l k i n g d i s a s t e r a t t h e m o m e n t . I t h i n k I'd b e t t e r g o a w a y a n d b e
alone.'

B u t n o t e v e r y o n e is h a v i n g a bad time. D a v i d , Charles's brother, is

talking to Serena, the pretty girl w h o was interested in h i m at the
last w e d d i n g r e c e p t i o n . S h e h a s b e e n h o p i n g t o m e e t h i m a g a i n ,
and

has

started

to

learn

sign

language

so

that

she

can

communicate with him.

She signs h e r n a m e . ' I ' m S - e - r - e - n - a . '
D a v i d smiles sweetly at her.
'Hello,' h e signs b a c k .
' I ' m j u s t l e a r n i n g , ' says S e r e n a w i t h h e r h a n d s . ' I ' m p r o b a b l y
m a k i n g lots of mistakes.' S h e certainly is she signs 'tols' instead
o f 'lots', and 'nistakes', instead o f mistakes. B u t D a v i d doesn't w a n t
t o c o r r e c t her. H e shakes his h e a d a n d smiles a g a i n .
' N o , p e r f e c t . P e r f e c t , ' h e tells h e r . ' W o u l d y o u l i k e t o d a n c e ? '
'Yes, that w o u l d b e nice,' Serena replies. T h e y g o o f f together,
l o o k i n g v e r y happy.

31

C h a r l e s is in a b e d r o o m upstairs. It s e e m s to be e m p t y the d o o r
w a s o p e n , b u t t h e r e w a s n o b o d y inside, j u s t a suit h a n g i n g u p o n a
c u p b o a r d d o o r . It's d a r k n o w , b u t h e d o e s n ' t t u r n t h e l i g h t o n .
H e g o e s t o t h e w i n d o w a n d l o o k s d o w n o n t o t h e street b e l o w . H e
j u s t s t a n d s t h e r e q u i e t l y , g l a d t o b e a l o n e i n a c a l m r o o m . B u t after
a m i n u t e o r t w o , h e sees C a r r i e d o w n t h e r e . S h e ' s c o m i n g o u t o f
the hotel w i t h H a m i s h . T h e y have their arms around each other
a n d l o o k v e r y happy. T h e y g e t i n t o a taxi together. C h a r l e s w a t c h e s
t h e m u n h a p p i l y a s t h e y d r i v e off. H e s e e m s t o b e v e r y d e p r e s s e d .
T h e n the d o o r opens, and B e r n a r d and Lydia c o m e in, kissing
noisily. T h e y are s o i n t e r e s t e d i n e a c h o t h e r that t h e y d o n ' t n o t i c e
C h a r l e s . T h e y a r e still d r e s s e d f o r t h e w e d d i n g L y d i a i n h e r
bride's dress, a n d B e r n a r d in his suit. T h i s is their r o o m , t h e place
w h e r e t h e y are g o i n g t o c h a n g e i n t o t h e i r o t h e r c l o t h e s b e f o r e
they go away on their h o n e y m o o n .
B u t t h e y ' r e n o t r e a d y t o c h a n g e y e t . T h e y are a b o u t t o h a v e
sex on

the

bed. Charles

wonders

how

he

can

escape, and

he

b e g i n s t o try t o w a l k f r o m the w i n d o w t o the d o o r very, v e r y

quietly.
Then

suddenly

Lydia

cries, 'Wait a minute! This

isn't

good

e n o u g h ! I w a n t to see my lovely husband!'

S h e t u r n s o n t h e l i g h t . S h e i s l y i n g o n t o p o f B e r n a r d s h e still
h a s h e r dress o n , b u t C h a r l e s k n o w s w h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g u n d e r n e a t h
it. L u c k i l y , t h e y d o n ' t s e e C h a r l e s . B u t h e c a n ' t g e t p a s t t h e m t o
t h e d o o r . T h e n h e sees a n o t h e r d o o r n e a r e r t o h i m , s o h e o p e n s i t
a n d g o e s t h r o u g h i t a s fast a s h e c a n . O h , n o ! It's o n l y a k i n d o f
v e r y small w a s h r o o m no m o r e t h a n a c u p b o a r d , really! T h e r e ' s
almost

no

room

in

it

for

Charles!

He

waits

there;

it's

very

u n c o m f o r t a b l e , a n d i t s e e m s t o h i m that h e has t o w a i t for h o u r s .

D o w n s t a i r s , t h e o t h e r g u e s t s ar e e n j o y i n g t h e m s e l v e s . S e v e r a l o f
them

are

d a n c i n g to

the

lively music. Scarlett

32

is

sitting in a

strange place, like C h a r l e s upstairs. She's u n d e r a table w i t h o n e

o f t h e small b r i d e s m a i d s . T h e y are b o t h d a n c i n g t o t h e m u s i c b u t
only using their hands for the d a n c i n g m o v e m e n t s .
' H a v e y o u g o t a b o y f r i e n d ? ' S c a r l e t t asks t h e l i t t l e g i r l , w h o s e
n a m e is Freda.
' Y e s , ' says F r e d a .
' W h a t ' s his n a m e ? '
' D o l p h . He's g o o d at table-tennis. A n d y o u ? '
' N o . N o boyfriend.'
' W h y not?'
' I d o n ' t k n o w , ' says S c a r l e t t , a l i t t l e u n h a p p i l y . ' W h e n I l i k e
m e n , they don't s e e m t o like m e . T h e y think I'm stupid. T h e n , the
o n e s w h o l i k e m e w e l l , I t h i n k they're s t u p i d ! I d o n ' t w a n t t o g o
out w i t h t h e m . S o that doesn't g e t m e a n y w h e r e , d o e s it?'

U p s t a i r s , i n t h e b e d r o o m , t i m e p a s s e s . L y d i a a n d B e r n a r d a r e still
m a k i n g l o v e , v e r y noisily. C h a r l e s i s sitting on t h e basin in the
w a s h r o o m . H e l o o k s a t his w a t c h .
' G o d , are

they

going

to

finish

soon?' he

wonders.

If he'd

k n o w n they w e r e g o i n g to take so l o n g , he w o u l d n ' t have h i d d e n

there.
' O h - I love my w i f e ! ' cries B e r n a r d .
'I-love-my-husband!' screams Lydia.
T h e y finish. A f t e r a q u i e t m o m e n t o r t w o B e r n a r d says, ' W e ' d
better go downstairs n o w , I suppose.'
C h a r l e s n o d s . ' Y e s ! Y e s ! ' h e says s i l e n t l y t o h i m s e l f .
' O r , ' says L y d i a , ' w e

c o u l d w a i t a f e w m i n u t e s a n d start

again!'
' N o , n o ! ' C h a r l e s s h a k e s his h e a d i n s i d e t h e c u p b o a r d .
H e r e a l l y c a n ' t stay t h e r e a n y l o n g e r , s o h e o p e n s t h e d o o r . H e
w a l k s p a s t L y d i a a n d B e r n a r d w h o a r e still l y i n g o n t h e b e d . T h e y
are a m a z e d a n d stare a t h i m i n g r e a t s u r p r i s e , b u t h e p r e t e n d s t h a t

33

it's n o t s t r a n g e a t all. H e h o l d s u p a p e n c i l a s h e w a l k s t o w a r d s t h e
d o o r o f the r o o m .
' I f o u n d it!' h e says, a n d g o e s o u t .

B u t his t r o u b l e s are n o t over. H e n r i e t t a i s o u t s i d e .

' C h a r l e s , w e m u s t t a l k , ' s h e says f i r m l y .
' R i g h t , r i g h t , ' h e says
w o u l d rather talk t o

pleasantly.

Is this a b a d d r e a m ? B u t he

H e n r i e t t a t h a n stay i n t h e b e d r o o m w i t h

Bernard and Lydia!

T h e y start w a l k i n g d o w n s t a i r s t o g e t h e r .
' T h e t h i n g is, C h a r l i e , I ' v e s p o k e n t o l o t s o f p e o p l e a b o u t y o u . '
' O h , G o d ! ' says C h a r l e s .
' A n d e v e r y o n e a g r e e s that y o u ' r e i n real t r o u b l e , C h a r l e s , ' she
c o n t i n u e s seriously.
' A m I?' h e asks.
' Y o u see, y o u h a v e o n e g i r l f r i e n d after a n o t h e r , b u t y o u d o n ' t
l o v e a n y o f t h e m . Y o u n e v e r l e t a w o m a n g e t c l o s e t o y o u a t all.'
' N o , n o , H e n , it's n o t l i k e t h a t ' says C h a r l e s .
B u t it's n o g o o d . H e n r i e t t a c o n t i n u e s , ' Y o u ' r e n i c e t o t h e m ,
sweet to t h e m y o u were sweet to me, though you thought I
w a s stupid.'
'I didn't.'
'Yes y o u did. Y o u don't give people a chance. W h e n e v e r y o u
h a v e a n e w g i r l f r i e n d , y o u t h i n k , " I m u s t n ' t fall i n l o v e . I m u s t n ' t
get married.'"
' H e n , y o u k n o w m e ! I d o n ' t t h i n k like that! M o s t o f the t i m e
- w e l l , I d o n ' t t h i n k at all!'
'Oh,

Charlie!'

Henrietta

suddenly

throws

her

arms

around

h i m . ' T h e w a y y o u u s e d to l o o k at m e ! I t h o u g h t - I t h o u g h t that
you were

going to

ask m e

to

marry you!

But you were

only

t h i n k i n g a b o u t h o w t o leave m e . O h - this i s a w f u l ! '

S h e w a l k s away. S h e i s v e r y upset. C h a r l e s j u s t stands there. H e

34

can't m o v e . Actually, h e doesn't k n o w w h a t t o d o . T h e n h e turns

r o u n d a n d sees C a r r i e b e h i n d h i m .
' A r e y o u h a v i n g a g o o d t i m e ? ' she asks h i m .
'Oh,

yes,

of course!

Wonderful

better

than

my

father's

f u n e r a l ! R e a l l y e n t e r t a i n i n g ! ' C h a r l e s says. ' I t h o u g h t y o u ' d g o n e . '

' N o - H a m i s h is g o i n g on the n i g h t train to E d i n b u r g h . I just
w e n t w i t h h i m to the station. B u t I am leaving now. Do y o u w a n t
to come with me?'
So

Charles

and

Carrie

drive

off together through

the late-

n i g h t s t r e e t s o f L o n d o n . T h e t a x i t a k e s t h e m t o C a r r i e ' s flat.
' A r e y o u c o m i n g u p f o r a d r i n k ? ' s h e asks C h a r l e s .
' A r e y o u s u r e ? ' h e asks. H e l o o k s r a t h e r d o u b t f u l a b o u t t h e
situation.
'Yes

think

we

can

take

chance!'

she j o k e s . 'You're

a t t r a c t i v e b u t I c a n still r e f u s e y o u , n o p r o b l e m ! Y o u ' r e n o t s o
attractive, y o u k n o w ! '
Charles

is

not

feeling very

confident

after

all

the

horrible

things that have h a p p e n e d today, so he doesn't share the j o k e .

' O K . Y e s . G r e a t . ' h e says, w i t h o u t a s m i l e .
B u t a s s o o n a s t h e y a r e t o g e t h e r i n C a r r i e ' s flat, it's l i k e t h e last
t i m e t h a t t h e y m e t . T h e y k i s s , a n d b e c o m e l o v e r s a g a i n . T h e y are
both very happy to be w i t h each other, and they spend the night
t o g e t h e r . B u t C a r r i e i s still g o i n g t o m a r r y H a m i s h . C h a r l e s h a s
left i t all t o o l a t e .
I n t h e e a r l y m o r n i n g , C h a r l e s g e t s u p first. H e p u t s o n h i s
formal w e d d i n g suit again; h e d o e s n ' t h a v e a n y o t h e r c l o t h e s w i t h
him. He l o o k s at C a r r i e for a l o n g m o m e n t , a n d she l o o k s b a c k
at him. She is very beautiful. T h e y s e e m to be in love and Charles
doesn't w a n t t o g o . Finally, h e t u r n s a n d leaves t h e r o o m quietly.
What w o u l d have happened to the couple if Charles hadn't been
so c o n f u s e d ?

35

Chapter 3

A Free Saturday

It is n e a r l y n o o n on Saturday, S e p t e m b e r the
b e d , asleep

as

usual. T h e

door

opens, and

1st. C h a r l e s i s i n
Scarlett

comes

in,

c a r r y i n g cups a n d plates and the m o r n i n g letters.

' G o o d m o r n i n g , C h a r l e s . I've b r o u g h t u s s o m e breakfast. S o r r y
t h e toast's a b i t b u r n t . '
She

sits

down

on

the

edge

of the

bed. Charles

wakes

up.

Scarlett p o u r s t h e tea a n d spreads b u t t e r o n t h e toast. T h e y eat

breakfast t o g e t h e r comfortably.
' W h a t a r e y o u g o i n g t o d o t o d a y ? ' s h e asks h i m .
' W e l l , ' says C h a r l e s , ' t o d a y i s a d a y w i t h o u t a w e d d i n g . A f r e e
Saturday!* T h e o n l y t h i n g that I have to do is to m e e t D a v i d . I
m u s t n ' t b e late for h i m . ' H e p i c k s u p a large w h i t e e n v e l o p e a n d
o p e n s it.
' I t h i n k I'll l o o k f o r a j o b t o d a y , ' says S c a r l e t t . ' I h e a r d a b o u t
o n e t h e o t h e r day, a s a s h o p assistant. Y o u h a v e t o sell s t r a n g e
c l o t h e s t o s t r a n g e p e o p l e . I t h i n k I'd b e g o o d a t it.'
B u t C h a r l e s isn't c o n c e n t r a t i n g . H e i s s t u d y i n g t h e card i n t h e
envelope. He looks rather upset.
' A r e y o u all r i g h t ? ' S c a r l e t t asks h i m .
'It's t h a t g i r l , C a r r i e - d o y o u r e m e m b e r ? T h e A m e r i c a n g i r l .
It's t h e i n v i t a t i o n t o h e r w e d d i n g . '

T h e i n v i t a t i o n a l s o tells g u e s t s t h e a d d r e s s o f t h e s h o p w h e r e t h e y
can b u y presents for the b r i d e and g r o o m . T h i s is another c u s t o m
f o r s o m e p e o p l e i n E n g l a n d . I t s e e m s t h a t C h a r l e s i s still g o i n g t o
s p e n d his t i m e t o d a y o n w e d d i n g s .

* In Britain, most weddings happen on a Saturday.

36

But
'It's

Charles isn't concentrating. He is studying the card in

that girl,

Carrie do you
invitation

the envelope.

remember? The American girl. It's the

to

her wedding.'

T h e s h o p i s h o r r i b l y e x p e n s i v e . T h e r e are h a n d m a d e c a r p e t s ,
there is furniture f r o m different parts of t h e w o r l d , a n d the place
i s f u l l o f all k i n d s o f u n u s u a l a n d b e a u t i f u l t h i n g s .
T h e s h o p assistant i s a l s o v e r y e l e g a n t . S h e l o o k s d o w n h e r
nose a t C h a r l e s , w h o i s w e a r i n g a n o l d shirt w i t h his shorts a n d
r u n n i n g s h o e s . H e d o e s n ' t l o o k a t all s m a r t .
' E x c u s e m e , ' h e asks h e r . ' D o y o u h a v e t h e w e d d i n g list f o r
Banks? Hamish and Carrie Banks?' Carrie Banks is w h a t Carrie
w i l l b e called after h e r m a r r i a g e t o H a m i s h .
T h e assistant l o o k s a t C h a r l e s w i t h d i s l i k e . ' C e r t a i n l y , sir. I c a n
s h o w y o u plenty o f presents for a b o u t o n e t h o u s a n d pounds.'
' A h ! ' says C h a r l e s , w h o i s a m a z e d , b u t i s t r y i n g n o t t o s h o w it.
' W h a t a b o u t p r e s e n t s f o r fifty p o u n d s ? '
' Y o u c a n b u y t h i s o n e , ' says t h e assistant. S h e p o i n t s t o a l i f e size w o o d e n A f r i c a n m a n .

37

' T h i s ? ' says C h a r l e s . ' E x c e l l e n t ! '

' Y o u c a n b u y it,' t h e assistant says n a s t i l y , ' i f y o u c a n f i n d s o m e o n e
to pay the other three thousand, nine hundred and fifty pounds.'
C h a r l e s s m i l e s . H e i s still b e i n g v e r y p o l i t e a n d t r y i n g t o l o o k
calm.
' O r w e sell p l a s t i c b a g s f o r o n e p o u n d f i f t y p e n c e e a c h , ' s h e
continues. ' W h y don't y o u just b u y thirty-three of them?'
'Actually, I
You've

been

think
very

I'll

...'

probably leave
He

was

going

it. T h a n k s
to

say

very

'helpful',

much.
but

it

w o u l d n ' t be true.
A s h e turns r o u n d t o g o o u t o f the shop, C a r r i e walks in.
' W h a t d i d y o u g e t ? ' s h e asks h i m , s m i l i n g . S h e l o o k s v e r y h a p p y .
'Oh

nothing,

nothing

yet!

I've j u s t

been

looking,'

says

C h a r l e s . It is o n c e again a surprise to m e e t her. He is always

d e l i g h t e d t o s e e h e r , b u t h e n e v e r k n o w s w h a t t o say.
'It's n i c e t o s e e y o u , ' s h e says.
'It's n i c e t o s e e you,' says C h a r l e s .
'It's g r e a t , g e t t i n g p r e s e n t s , ' says C a r r i e . S h e l a u g h s . ' W h y d i d n ' t
I

get

married

years

ago?

Has

anybody

bought

the

wooden

A f r i c a n y e t ? ' s h e asks t h e assistant.

' T h e y o u n g m a n i s t h i n k i n g a b o u t it,' says t h e assistant, i c i l y
polite.
C h a r l e s n o d s t h o u g h t f u l l y , t r y i n g to l o o k as if this is a s e r i o u s
idea.
'Oh

n o , ' says

Carrie, w h o

is

quick

to

understand. ' G e t me

s o m e t h i n g small a t e a p o t or s o m e t h i n g . A r e y o u free for a b o u t

half an hour?'
' Y e s I h a v e t o m e e t m y b r o t h e r , b u t I c a n b e a l i t t l e b i t late.'
It's a l i e . D a v i d w i l l b e a n n o y e d i f C h a r l e s i s l a t e . B u t h e d o e s n ' t
w a n t t o miss the c h a n c e t o spend s o m e t i m e w i t h C a r r i e .
'Good,'

she

says.

'Come

with

important decision.'

38

me.

I've

got

to

make

an

S h e t a k e s C h a r l e s o f f t o t h e dress s h o p w h e r e s h e p l a n s t o c h o o s e
h e r w e d d i n g dress.
' T h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t h i n g ' , she says,'is please d o n ' t laugh!'
' O K . R i g h t , ' says C h a r l e s , s e r i o u s l y .
T h e assistant b r i n g s d r e s s a f t e r d r e s s . C a r r i e t a k e s e a c h o n e
a w a y a n d t r i e s i t o n . E a c h t i m e , w h e n she's r e a d y , s h e c o m e s o u t
a n d s h o w s C h a r l e s . T h e first dress i s v e r y c o m p l i c a t e d , w i t h full
skirts.
' W h a t d o y o u t h i n k ? ' s h e asks h i m .
' L o v e l y ! ' says C h a r l e s .
' I s n ' t i t a b i t l i k e a c a k e ? ' s h e asks h i m .
W e l l ' says C h a r l e s .
' D o n ' t w o r r y , ' says C a r r i e . ' I t h o u g h t s o t o o ! B u t w e ' v e o n l y
just b e g u n . '
S h e c o m e s o u t n e x t i n a v e r y m o d e r n style o f dress. A c t u a l l y ,
it is n o t r e a l l y a dress at all it's a s u i t w i t h t r o u s e r s , a l o n g o p e n
coat, a n d a v e r y small top. S e x y !
' W h a t d o y o u t h i n k t h i s t i m e ? ' asks C a r r i e .
' Y o u ' r e j o k i n g ! ' says C h a r l e s .
' B u t it's w o n d e r f u l , isn't it? M a y b e n e x t t i m e . . . '
T h e n e x t dress i s l o n g , i n a ' c o u n t r y g i r l ' s t y l e , l i k e a n o l d
e i g h t e e n t h - c e n t u r y picture. It is quite sweet, but n o t right for
Carrie.
' W h a t d o y o u t h i n k ? ' s h e asks a g a i n .
' A h ' says C h a r l e s .
' I k n e w i t ! ' s h e says, s m i l i n g , a n d g o e s b e h i n d t h e c u r t a i n t o
take it off.
T h e n s h e c o m e s o u t i n a v e r y s i m p l e , b u t v e r y s e x y dress.
'It's a b i t sexy,' s h e says.
' I f I w a s y o u r h u s b a n d , I'd b e s o p r o u d , ' says C h a r l e s , a n d h e
m e a n s it. ' B u t m a y b e y o u ' r e r i g h t . Y o u d o n ' t w a n t t h e p r i e s t t o
get t o o excited!'
A f t e r C a r r i e has c h o s e n h e r dress, t h e y g o t o a cafe t o g e t h e r

39

to d r i n k tea. It has started to rain n o w .

'Marriage

is

s t r a n g e , ' says

C h a r l e s . 'Just

one

man

and

one

w o m a n n o m o r e l o v e r s , e v e r ! D o y o u t h i n k y o u ' l l stay f a i t h f u l ? '

'Yes, o n c e I ' m married,' C a r r i e replies. 'I told H a m i s h that I
w o u l d k i l l h i m i f h e g o e s w i t h a n o t h e r w o m a n . S o I'd b e t t e r d o
the same, I think, and leave o t h e r m e n alone.'
' Q u i t e r i g h t , ' says C h a r l e s .
' A n d I ' v e h a d p l e n t y o f l o v e r s i n m y life,' s h e c o n t i n u e s .
' H a v e y o u ? ' asks C h a r l e s , s u r p r i s e d . ' H o w m a n y i s " p l e n t y " ? '
' W e l l o h I d o n ' t k n o w , ' says C a r r i e , a l i t t l e b i t e m b a r r a s s e d .
' M o r e than one.'
' T e l l m e ! ' says C h a r l e s . ' T h e r e a r e n o s e c r e t s b e t w e e n u s n o w .
I've s e e n t h e w e d d i n g dress, r e m e m b e r ? '
' W e l l ' says C a r r i e , a n d s h e starts t o c o u n t o n h e r f i n g e r s . ' T h e
first o n e , o f c o u r s e , y o u n e v e r f o r g e t . I t w a s n i c e . N u m b e r t w o h e h a d t o o m u c h h a i r o n his b a c k ! T h r e e f o u r - f i v e - n u m b e r
six w a s o n m y birthday, i n m y parents' b e d r o o m . '
' W h i c h b i r t h d a y ? ' asks C h a r l e s q u i c k l y .
' M y seventeenth,' she answers.
'Seventeen? Y o u

got

to

number

six

by

your

seventeenth

birthday?'
' I g r e w u p i n t h e c o u n t r y it's d i f f e r e n t t h e r e , ' s h e says. ' O K
s e v e n w a s g o o d . E i g h t - rather small! T h a t w a s a s h o c k ! N i n e w e w e r e s t a n d i n g u p a g a i n s t a g a t e . N e v e r t r y it, C h a r l e s . It's v e r y
uncomfortable.'
'I won't,' he promises h e r seriously.
' T e n w a s w o n d e r f u l , really like heaven.'
' I h a t e h i m , ' says C h a r l e s .
'Eleven no g o o d . N u m b e r s twelve to seventeen were during
m y u n i v e r s i t y y e a r s . T h e y w e r e all n i c e , i n t e l l i g e n t b o y s b u t t h e
sex wasn't m u c h g o o d . E i g h t e e n broke my heart. I couldn't forget
h i m for years afterwards.'
' I ' m s o r r y , ' C h a r l e s says.

40

'I

d o n ' t r e m e m b e r n u m b e r n i n e t e e n . B u t m y g i r l f r i e n d says

that it did h a p p e n t w i c e . S h e shared my r o o m , so she should

k n o w . T w e n t y are

we really at t w e n t y ?

God! Twenty-one

horrible! I d o n ' t w a n t to talk a b o u t h i m . T w e n t y - t w o - well, he

w a s a l w a y s f a l l i n g a s l e e p ! T h a t w a s m y first y e a r i n E n g l a n d . '
' I m u s t a p o l o g i z e f o r E n g l a n d , a n d E n g l i s h m e n , ' says C h a r l e s .
' T w e n t y - t h r e e and t w e n t y - f o u r w e r e together I w o n ' t forget
that!'
' S e r i o u s l y ? ' asks C h a r l e s , b u t s h e w o n ' t a n s w e r h i m . H e i s n o t
s u r e h o w m u c h o f t h i s i s s e r i o u s a t all.
'Twenty-five was a lovely F r e n c h m a n . T w e n t y - s i x was an awful
F r e n c h m a n . T w e n t y - s e v e n w a s a mistake.'
' S u d d e n l y , a t n u m b e r t w e n t y - s e v e n , y o u m a d e a m i s t a k e ? ' asks
C h a r l e s . ' C a n this really b e t r u e ? '
' H e k e p t o n s c r e a m i n g , ' says C a r r i e s i m p l y . ' I n e a r l y g a v e u p
sex after that. B u t

S p e n c e r c h a n g e d m y m i n d for me. H e was

n u m b e r t w e n t y - e i g h t . T h e n there w a s his father, n u m b e r t w e n t y nine.'

'Spencer's father?' Charles repeats.
' T h e n thirty horrible! T h i r t y - o n e oh my G o d ! T h i r t y - t w o
- ' she p a u s e s . ' T h i r t y - t w o w a s lovely. A n d t h e n there's H a m i s h ,
n u m b e r thirty-three.'
'So
know

I w a s - a f t e r H a m i s h ? ' asks C h a r l e s . H e r e a l l y w a n t s t o
now.

' N o , y o u w e r e thirty-two,' replies C a r r i e , and Charles thinks

a b o u t this.
' T h a t ' s i t , t h e n , ' says C a r r i e . ' L e s s t h a n M a d o n n a , m o r e t h a n
Princess D i a n a I

hope. W h a t about you? H o w many people

have y o u slept w i t h ? '

' N o t as m a n y as you!' Charles answers. 'I probably don't have
e n o u g h time. W h a t do I do w i t h my time? Actually, I d o n ' t really
k n o w . I w o r k - y e s , that's it! W o r k , w o r k a n d m o r e w o r k . I ' m
always w o r k i n g late!'

41

Carrie and Charles both stop talking.

moment; something

has

There

happened,

is a very serious, silent

and

they

both feel

it.

C a r r i e laughs. A n d suddenly, they both stop talking. T h e r e is a

v e r y s e r i o u s , silent m o m e n t ; s o m e t h i n g has h a p p e n e d , a n d t h e y
b o t h feel it.
' I w i s h I'd p h o n e d y o u , ' says C h a r l e s . ' B u t y o u d i d n ' t r i n g m e . '
T h e n h e l o o k s a t his w a t c h . ' O h , hell! H e l p m e , please! I ' m late
again!'

W h e n t h e y r e a c h t h e c i n e m a , D a v i d i s still w a i t i n g o u t s i d e . I f i t
h a d n ' t b e e n h i s b r o t h e r h e w o u l d h a v e p r o b a b l y h a v e left b y n o w .
C h a r l e s i s very, v e r y late. D a v i d signs t o

him, 'You're not my

b r o t h e r any m o r e ! Y o u ' r e just s o m e stupid fool that I o n c e m e t ! '

' C a r r i e , t h i s i s D a v i d , m y b r o t h e r , ' says C h a r l e s . ' T h i s i s C a r r i e , '
he signs.

42

' H i , ' says C a r r i e .

' W e w e r e b u y i n g a w e d d i n g dress f o r her,' C h a r l e s signs.
'That's

really

poor

excuse,'

David

replies.

'Who's

she

marrying?'
They

can

now

have

secret

conversation, because

Carrie

doesn't understand sign language.

' A r e a l f o o l , ' says C h a r l e s .
' H o w d o e s a f o o l f i n d a b e a u t i f u l w i f e l i k e h e r ? ' asks D a v i d .
C a r r i e is w a i t i n g for a translation.
'Yes,

I'm just

telling

David

that

you're

marrying

Hamish.

" W h a t a l u c k y m a n ! " h e said t o m e . '

' D i d n ' t y o u m a k e l o v e t o h e r o n c e ? ' asks D a v i d . F o r t u n a t e l y ,
C a r r i e still c a n ' t u n d e r s t a n d .
' H e w a n t s t o k n o w w h e r e y o u are g e t t i n g m a r r i e d , ' C h a r l e s
p r e t e n d s to translate.
'In Scotland,' C a r r i e answers.
'She's

g o t l o v e l y b r e a s t s ! ' says D a v i d , a n d u s e s

his

hands

to

describe them.
' " O h , lovely

hills

up

there

in

Scotland," he

says!'

Charles

translates q u i c k l y .
' W h y d o n ' t y o u c o m e t o t h e w e d d i n g ? ' C a r r i e asks D a v i d . ' I ' d
like s o m e n i c e friends to c o m e H a m i s h is g o i n g to invite s o m e
awful p e o p l e . W e l l , y o u ' d b e t t e r g o i n a n d see t h e film. G o o d b y e ! '
T h e b r o t h e r s w a t c h h e r a s she w a l k s away. C h a r l e s a n d D a v i d
g o i n t o t h e c i n e m a , b u t s u d d e n l y C h a r l e s c h a n g e s his m i n d .
' O h , h e l l ! ' h e says.
He runs out of the

c i n e m a and chases

Carrie

u p t h e steps.

D a v i d i s left a l o n e a t t h e e n t r a n c e t o t h e c i n e m a . C h a r l e s c a t c h e s
u p w i t h C a r r i e b y the river.
'Carrie!

Sorry, sorry!

Oh

b o u g h t y o u r w e d d i n g dress. B u t

this
I

is

stupid you've just

w o n d e r e d if there was any

c h a n c e n o , o b v i o u s l y n o t ! I've o n l y slept w i t h n i n e w o m e n - so
w h y a m I a s k i n g silly q u e s t i o n s ? B u t I j u s t w o n d e r e d I r e a l l y

43

f e e l w e l l , let m e say i t m o r e clearly, l i k e t h e m a n i n t h e s o n g . O r

was it the m a n on television? "I think I love y o u . " W o u l d y o u
p e r h a p s l i k e t o n o , n o , o f c o u r s e n o t ! I ' m a f o o l , a n d h e isn't.
E x c e l l e n t . E x c e l l e n t . L o v e l y t o see y o u . M u s t g o n o w '
H e turns t o leave, t h e n adds, ' D a m n ! '
' T h a t w a s v e r y s w e e t , ' says C a r r i e . S h e i s s m i l i n g a t h i m a n d
l o o k s v e r y affectionate.
' W e l l , I t h o u g h t a b o u t it a lot, y o u k n o w . I w a n t e d to get it just
r i g h t . It's i m p o r t a n t t h a t I ' v e s a i d it.'
' W h a t h a v e y o u s a i d , e x a c t l y ? ' asks C a r r i e .
'I said that I t h i n k o h , y o u k n o w w h a t I said!' C h a r l e s is
f i n d i n g this v e r y difficult.
' Y o u ' r e l o v e l y , ' says C a r r i e , a n d k i s s e s h i m . F o r a m i n u t e , t h e y
stand c l o s e t o g e t h e r , t h e n C a r r i e w a l k s away. S h e l o o k s b a c k a t
h i m o n e last t i m e .

44

Chapter 4 T h e Third Wedding

You
on

are invited to
September 28th,

the wedding of Hamish

in

the church

Perthshire,

at

and

Carrie

Glenthrist

Castle,

Scotland

It is already a cold, w e t a u t u m n in Scotland by the time of H a m i s h

and Carrie's w e d d i n g . T h e m o u n t a i n s and lakes l o o k v e r y beautiful
b u t also v e r y g l o o m y a n d g r e y . C h a r l e s a r r i v e s l a t e a s u s u a l - a n d
tries t o c h a n g e q u i c k l y o u t o f t h e w a r m , h e a v y c l o t h e s t h a t h e p u t
on

for

the journey. He

takes

o f f his

pullover and puts

on

his

w e d d i n g c o a t b e f o r e h e steps o u t o f t h e car. T h e w e d d i n g i s i n t h e
little c h u r c h t h a t b e l o n g s t o H a m i s h ' s castle.
T h e d o o r of the church makes a l o u d noise as Charles opens
it. ' S o r r y , s o r r y , ' h e w h i s p e r s . E v e r y b o d y t u r n s r o u n d t o s e e w h o ' s
there.
T h e little c h u r c h l o o k s c h a r m i n g . T h e s e r v i c e has b e g u n , a n d
C a r r i e is standing w i t h H a m i s h and the priest at the front. S h e
l o o k s l o v e l y , t o o - s e r i o u s , b u t b e a u t i f u l . T h e p r i e s t asks H a m i s h
w h e t h e r h e w i l l take C a r r i e for his w i f e .
' I d o , ' says H a m i s h .
H e asks C a r r i e w h e t h e r s h e i s w i l l i n g t o t a k e H a m i s h f o r h e r
husband.
'I do,' answers C a r r i e .
' D a m n , d a m n , d a m n it to hell!' whispers Charles as violently as
h e d a r e s . H i s last h o p e has d i s a p p e a r e d .

T h e reception is

in the fine

castle

that H a m i s h

owns. As the

guests w a l k there f r o m the c h u r c h t h e y c a n h e a r special Scottish

music b e i n g played. W h e n

they arrive, they

45

are w e l c o m e d b y

servants w h o are w e a r i n g f o r m a l S c o t t i s h u n i f o r m s . A m o n g t h e
guests, m a n y o f t h e m e n are w e a r i n g S c o t t i s h - s t y l e

clothes t o o

a n d s o m e o f t h e ladies are also dressed i n t h e S c o t t i s h style. T h e

b r i d e , t h e g r o o m a n d t h e f a m i l y are s t a n d i n g i n a line. T h e guests
shake hands w i t h t h e m as t h e y c o m e in. C a r r i e is standing at the
e n d o f the line, n e x t t o H a m i s h . Charles congratulates C a r r i e .
' Y o u l o o k b e a u t i f u l , ' h e says a s h e s h a k e s h e r h a n d .
T h e r e is s o m e lively

Scottish

dancing in the middle

of the

room.
' O h , g r e a t ! ' says

G a r e t h . 'It's l i k e o n e o f t h o s e f i l m s ! It's s o

Scottish that it can't possibly be true!'

H e j o i n s i n the d a n c i n g enthusiastically.
' D e a r f r i e n d s , ' h e says a l i t t l e l a t e r , w h e n h i s u s u a l g r o u p o f
friends is standing together at the edge of the r o o m . ' N o n e of us
is m a r r i e d . Y o u k n o w , I w a s always p r o u d of that. N o t a w e d d i n g
r i n g b e t w e e n u s ! B u t n o w , I ' m g e t t i n g o l d e r , a n d it's s u d d e n l y
b e g u n t o m a k e m e s a d . I'd l i k e t o g o t o t h e w e d d i n g o f s o m e o n e
w h o I really love.'
' W e l l , d o n ' t b l a m e m e ! ' says T o m . ' I ' v e a s k e d e v e r y b o d y t h a t I
k n o w to marry me!'
' Y o u h a v e n ' t a s k e d m e , ' says S c a r l e t t , a l i t t l e sadly.
' H a v e n ' t I ? ' asks T o m i n s u r p r i s e .
' N o , ' she shakes h e r head.
'Well, Scarlett w o u l d y o u like to m a r r y m e ? '
' N o t h a n k y o u , T o m . I t w a s v e r y n i c e o f y o u t o ask m e . '
' W e l l , a n y t i m e y o u l i k e , ' says T o m k i n d l y .
' G o o d m a n , T o m ! ' s h o u t s G a r e t h . ' N o w , w h y d o n ' t t h e rest o f
y o u d o the same? G o a n d f i n d husbands and w i v e s for yourselves!
Those

are y o u r o r d e r s

for tonight. B u t first we'll

all d r i n k t o

"True Love!'"
'What

about y o u , Fi?' T o m

asks

husband here?'
' O h , g e t lost, T o m ! ' replies Fiona.

46

his

sister. ' C a n y o u

see

' T r u e l o v e ! ' T h e y all raise t h e i r g l a s s e s .

Tom

takes

the

idea

seriously. He

tries

to

talk to

a pretty

w o m a n , 'A lot of p e o p l e actually m e e t their husbands and wives

a t w e d d i n g s . D i d y o u k n o w that?'
'Yes, I m e t my husband at a w e d d i n g , ' she answers h i m .
' O h . O h w e l l , ' says T o m , a n d d r i n k s t h e rest o f his w i n e v e r y
q u i c k l y . ' L o o k a t t h a t ! M y glass i s e m p t y . E x c u s e m e '
Scarlett s e e m s t o b e h a v i n g b e t t e r l u c k . T h e p e r s o n she i s
talking to is probably the best-looking m a n at the wedding. A n d
he's n o t w e a r i n g S c o t t i s h c l o t h e s he's A m e r i c a n .
' H e l l o , m y n a m e ' s S c a r l e t t . L i k e S c a r l e t t O ' H a r a i n Gone with the
Wind,*

b u t I ' m m u c h less t r o u b l e t h a n s h e w a s ! W h a t ' s y o u r n a m e ? '

' M y n a m e ' s R h e t t , ' says t h e A m e r i c a n .

' N o f r o m the same story? N o t really?'
' N o , n o t really' h e smiles. ' M y name's Chester.'
'You're a j o k e r ! ' Scarlett laughs. ' W h e n I m e e t Americans, I
always think that they're g o i n g t o b e b o r i n g . B u t o f course, you're
n o t b o r i n g , are y o u ? Y o u ' r e l o v e l y ! '
Scarlett has t o l o o k u p a l o n g w a y w h e n she talks t o C h e s t e r .
H e i s v e r y tall a n d s h e i s s h o r t . I t l o o k s q u i t e f u n n y
C h a r l e s is h i d i n g f r o m H e n r i e t t a , b u t she s o o n finds h i m .
' O h , hi, H e n ! S o r r y I didn't c o m e to talk to y o u because I
really d o n ' t w a n t a n a r g u m e n t t o d a y I ' m sure that w e ' v e g o t lots
t o talk a b o u t , b u t n o t today, H e n , n o t today!'
' D i d I b e h a v e b a d l y , last t i m e ? ' H e n r i e t t a a s k s .
' I t w a s q u i t e f r i g h t e n i n g , ' says C h a r l e s . ' L i k e a m u r d e r film.'
H e n r i e t t a l a u g h s - she is in a g o o d m o o d . C h a r l e s d e c i d e s that
he's safe w i t h h e r t o d a y , a n d s o h e g o e s o n t a l k i n g t o h e r .
' O h , H e n , I ' m d e p r e s s e d , ' says C h a r l e s . ' W h a t a b o u t y o u ? H o w
are y o u ? '

* A f a m o u s f i l m a n d n o v e l . S c a r l e t t a n d R h e t t are t h e n a m e s o f t h e t w o m o s t
i m p o r t a n t p e o p l e i n it.

47

'Well,

I'm

quite

happy

actually,'

she

says. ' I ' v e

got

new

boyfriend and my weight's d o w n to almost nothing.'

' P e r h a p s y o u w e r e r i g h t , H e n , ' says C h a r l e s . ' P e r h a p s w e s h o u l d
have got married.'
' G o d , n o ! ' says H e n r i e t t a . ' I d o n ' t w a n t t o m a r r y y o u r f r i e n d s
too, specially Fiona.'
' F i o n a l o v e s y o u , ' says C h a r l e s .
' F i o n a calls m e D u c k - F a c e , ' says H e n r i e t t a .
' I ' v e n e v e r h e a r d t h a t ! ' says C h a r l e s .
H e n r i e t t a k n o w s that he's l y i n g . ' C o m e t o l u n c h s o m e t i m e , ' she
says. ' G i v e m e a r i n g . ' S h e g i v e s h i m a g e n t l e kiss o n t h e c h e e k .
A s she w a l k s away, F i o n a c o m e s u p t o C h a r l e s . ' H o w ' s D u c k F a c e ? ' she asks.
' S h e ' s f i n e , a c t u a l l y , ' says C h a r l e s . ' N o t t o o m a d a t t h e m o m e n t . '

' L a d i e s a n d g e n t l e m a n , ' says t h e b e s t m a n . ' T h e b r i d e a n d g r o o m ! '

H a m i s h and C a r r i e dance together in the middle of the r o o m .
It's a f o r m a l S c o t t i s h d a n c e a n d e v e r y b o d y c l a p s t h e m . C h a r l e s
a n d F i o n a w a t c h the h a p p y c o u p l e w i t h the o t h e r guests. Fiona
p u t s h e r h a n d o n C h a r l e s ' s s h o u l d e r a n d l o o k s a t h i m . S h e c a n see
that h e l o o k s sad.
' Y o u l i k e t h i s g i r l , d o n ' t y o u C h a r l e s ? ' asks F i o n a .
' Y e s it's a s t r a n g e t h i n g , t h i s l o v e b u s i n e s s , w h e n a t last i t
happens

...

and

now

she's

marrying

C h a r l e s . ' B u t w h a t a b o u t y o u , Fifi?

another

man,'

answers

H a v e y o u m e t y o u r future

husband here?'
' N o a n d I w o n ' t it's n o t l i k e t h a t . I ' v e b e e n i n l o v e w i t h t h e
s a m e m a n for years.'
' H a v e y o u ? ' C h a r l e s asks i n s u r p r i s e . ' W h o ' s t h a t ? '
' Y o u , C h a r l i e , ' says F i o n a , v e r y l i g h t l y . C h a r l e s s t o p s s m i l i n g .
He looks

shocked. Fiona walks away and goes into

r o o m . C h a r l e s follows her.

48

quieter

'It w a s a l w a y s y o u , e v e r s i n c e w e first m e t , ' says F i o n a . ' I k n e w

t h a t f r o m t h e first m o m e n t I s a w y o u . " A c r o s s a c r o w d e d r o o m "
you

k n o w w h a t t h e y say!

But it

doesn't matter. We

can't

do

a n y t h i n g a b o u t it. T h a t ' s life. A n d w e ' r e f r i e n d s " f r i e n d s " isn't

b a d , y o u k n o w . It's q u i t e g o o d , really.'
C h a r l e s is upset, a n d he feels h e r p a i n . A f e w m o n t h s a g o , he
didn't k n o w love, b u t n o w h e k n o w s h o w i t feels. H e i s d e e p l y
sorry for her, a n d takes h e r hand.
' O h , F i ! It's n o t easy, i s i t ? '
' N o . B u t forget it it can't h a p p e n b e t w e e n us, Charlie.'
J u s t t h e n , M a t t h e w c o m e s i n . F i o n a p r e t e n d s t h a t n o t h i n g has
happened.
' M a t t h e w d e a r ! ' s h e says b r i g h t l y . ' W h e r e ' s G a r e t h ? '
'He's being rude to Americans,' M a t t h e w answers.
' H o w thoughtful of him!'
Gareth

is

surprised

as

dancing

with

he

turns

Gareth

is

her

dancing

an

American

round

with

49

fast

woman.

and j u m p s

an American

woman.

She

looks

about

quite

violently. T o m is d a n c i n g t o o , a n d l o o k i n g h o p e f u l l y at e v e r y girl
i n t h e r o o m . H e c l e a r l y hasn't f o u n d his f u t u r e w i f e y e t !
W h e n it's t i m e f o r t h e s p e e c h e s , G a r e t h c o m e s b a c k o v e r t o h i s
friends, v e r y hot.
' L a d i e s a n d g e n t l e m e n , fill y o u r g l a s s e s , p l e a s e , ' says t h e b e s t
m a n . ' U n u s u a l l y , t h e b r i d e w i l l m a k e t h e first s p e e c h . '
' E x c e l l e n t , ' says G a r e t h . ' I l o v e t h i s g i r l ! '
He l o o k s at C h a r l e s he k n o w s a b o u t Charles's feelings for
Carrie now.
' T h a n k y o u , ' says C a r r i e , a s e v e r y b o d y c l a p s h e r . ' A n d t h a n k
y o u t o those p e o p l e w h o ' v e f l o w n i n f r o m the U n i t e d States.
Congratulations
though

you

coming

too!'

to

the

rest

knew

that

all

of you!
these

You

came

terrible

here,

even

Americans

were

People laugh, and Charles looks at C a r r i e w i t h love.

' M y d e a r D a d s h o u l d b e t h e o n e t o g i v e t h i s s p e e c h . B u t , sadly,
h e ' s n o t a l i v e t o d a y . I f h e w a s h e r e , I k n o w w h a t h e w o u l d say:
" L o v e l y dress, girl! B u t w h y t h e hell are y o u m a r r y i n g a m a n i n a
skirt?'"
T h e y l a u g h a g a i n , t h o u g h H a m i s h i s n o t v e r y p l e a s e d w i t h this
j o k e about Scottish clothes.
' M y a n s w e r is,' C a r r i e

continues, '"Because

love him." As

J o h n L e n n o n s a i d , " L o v e i s t h e a n s w e r . " A n d w e all k n o w t h a t . '

T h e guests clap loudly. C h a r l e s can't b e l i e v e that h e has b e e n
s o stupid. W h y did h e let h e r g o ? I f h e hadn't b e e n s o s l o w h e
w o u l d have b e e n t h e g r o o m here today.
' O h , o n e m o r e t h i n g ! ' says C a r r i e . ' S o m e o n e h e r e s a i d t h a t i f
t h i n g s d i d n ' t g o w e l l w i t h H a m i s h , h e w o u l d b e r e a d y t o t a k e his
p l a c e . W e l l , t h a n k y o u , a n d I'll l e t y o u k n o w ! '
I t i s a v e r y c h e e k y t h i n g t o say, b u t H a m i s h l a u g h s l o u d l y . H e
b e g i n s t o m a k e his s p e e c h n o w , v e r y c o n f i d e n t l y . H a m i s h i s n o t
s e l f - c o n s c i o u s . H e has h a d years o f p r a c t i c e i n p u b l i c s p e a k i n g .
S u d d e n l y there is a l o u d noise, a k i n d of crash, at the back.

50

'Oh

dear s o m e o n e

doesn't agree w i t h me!' he jokes. ' N o

p r o b l e m ! I ' m u s e d t o that!'
But

the

crash

was

Gareth, falling u n c o n s c i o u s

to

the floor.

Charles, D a v i d and T o m get to h i m quickly.

' F i n d a d o c t o r , ' says C h a r l e s , u r g e n t l y . W h i l e H a m i s h i s still
speaking, a d o c t o r is f o u n d a m o n g the w e d d i n g guests. He gives
Gareth a quick examination. T h e n they carry h i m into a quieter
r o o m , a n d p u t h i m d o w n g e n t l y o n t h e g r o u n d . C h a r l e s i s o n his
k n e e s , h o l d i n g G a r e t h ' s h e a d . B u t it's t o o l a t e . G a r e t h i s d e a d .
T h e n h e decides that h e must find M a t t h e w q u i c k l y a m o n g the
crowd

o f guests.

C h a r l e s sees M a t t h e w a n d w a l k s t o w a r d s h i m . Just b e f o r e h e
reaches

h i m , he

s t o p s it's

hard m o m e n t . T h e n

he

moves

f o r w a r d , t a k e s M a t t h e w ' s a r m a n d w h i s p e r s t o h i m . A s h e tells
h i m a b o u t G a r e t h they can hear the guests b e h i n d t h e m b e g i n to
sing.

51

Chapter 5

A Funeral

It is t h e day of Gareth's funeral. It takes place in t h e t o w n w h e r e

Gareth's parents live, a small

and dirty

t o w n , full

of factories.

G a r e t h d i d n ' t c o m e f r o m a r i c h family. It is r a i n i n g a n d grey, and

everyone

looks

very

sad.

It

is

big

contrast

to

the

three

w o n d e r f u l w e d d i n g s . M a t t h e w a n d G a r e t h ' s f a m i l y are d r i v e n t o
t h e c h u r c h i n a l a r g e b l a c k car. I n f r o n t o f t h e m i s t h e car w i t h
Gareth's coffin.
C h a r l e s a r r i v e s a t t h e c h u r c h a n d sits d o w n n e x t t o

Fiona,

p u t t i n g his a r m a r o u n d her. C a r r i e is there t o o , q u i e t a n d w h i t e faced

at

the

back. T h e

atmosphere

is

very

different

from

the

a t m o s p h e r e at the w e d d i n g s . E v e r y b o d y is w e a r i n g dark clothes

and n o b o d y is talking.
' G o o d m o r n i n g , ' the priest w e l c o m e s everybody. ' W e l c o m e to
y o u all, o n t h i s c o l d day. O u r s e r v i c e w i l l b e g i n i n a f e w m i n u t e s ,
b u t f i r s t w e ' v e a s k e d G a r e t h ' s c l o s e s t f r i e n d , M a t t h e w , t o say a f e w
words.'
Matthew

steps

forward

and

stands

near

the

coffin.

It

has

b e a u t i f u l f l o w e r s o n it.
'Gareth

preferred

funerals

to

weddings. " O n e

day

shall

p r o b a b l y h a v e a funeral," he said, " b u t a w e d d i n g n e v e r ! ' "

P e o p l e s m i l e a n d b e g i n t o feel a little bi t m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e .
' I r a n g a f e w p e o p l e a n d a s k e d t h e m a b o u t G a r e t h . W h a t did
t h e y t h i n k a b o u t h i m ? W h a t c o m e s i n t o t h e i r m i n d s w h e n they
h e a r his n a m e ? W e l l , a l o t o f p e o p l e said, " F a t . " A n d a lot m o r e
s a i d " T e r r i b l y r u d e . " S o " v e r y fat a n d v e r y r u d e " w a s t h e w a y that
strangers d e s c r i b e d G a r e t h . B u t t h e n s o m e o f y o u here rang m e
a n d s a i d t h a t y o u l o v e d h i m . Y o u r e m e m b e r v i s i t i n g G a r e t h , and
how

kind

he

was

to

his

guests. Y o u

remember

what

an

a d v e n t u r o u s c o o k h e w a s . F o r t u n a t e l y , t h e s e c r e t s o f s o m e o f his

52

Matthew steps forward and stands

dishes, like

d u c k w i t h b a n a n a , are

near the

coffin.

lost for ever!

Gareth

really

l o v e d life. I h o p e y o u w i l l r e m e m b e r h i m s p e c i a l l y f o r t h a t .
' H o w do I r e m e m b e r h i m ? I can't find the w o r d s I ' m sorry.
S o I've t a k e n t h e w o r d s o f that w o n d e r f u l w r i t e r , W . H . A u d e n .
T h i s i s w h a t I r e a l l y w a n t t o say.'
H e reads f r o m a b o o k .

He was my North, my
My working

week

South, my East and West,

and my

My noon, my midnight, my

Sunday

rest,

talk, my song

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

A f t e r the service, p e o p l e m e e t a n d talk o u t s i d e . It w a s a v e r y

e m o t i o n a l f u n e r a l a n d e v e r y b o d y l o o k s v e r y sad. T h e

53

car w i t h

Gareth's coffin is d r i v e n away.

C h a r l e s f i n d s C a r r i e . 'It's g o o d o f y o u t o c o m e , ' h e says. ' B u t
didn't it spoil y o u r h o n e y m o o n ? '
' O h , i t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r , ' says C a r r i e . ' W e ' l l d o i t a n o t h e r t i m e .
Y o u k n o w , that t h i n g y o u said i n t h e street . . . '
' Y e s , I ' m s o r r y a b o u t t h a t , ' C h a r l e s says q u i c k l y .
' N o , d o n ' t b e s o r r y . I l i k e d i t . I ' m g l a d t h a t y o u said it.' S h e
kisses h i m g e n t l y o n t h e c h e e k , t h e n w a l k s away. H e w a t c h e s h e r
go' W o u l d y o u l i k e a w a l k , C h a r l i e ? ' asks T o m .
'Yes g o o d idea.'
' I ' v e n e v e r f e l t l i k e t h a t , ' says T o m . ' N o t l i k e M a t t h e w . N o t t h a t
k i n d o f l o v e . W e l l , I felt s o m e t h i n g for Jilly w h e n I w a s y o u n g - '
'Jilly?' asks C h a r l e s , s u r p r i s e d .
' O u r family dog,' T o m explains.
' Y e s . . . ' says C h a r l e s . 'It's s t r a n g e , i s n ' t i t , w e ' v e all b e e n f r i e n d s
for years, and w e never n o t i c e d that M a t t h e w and G a r e t h w e r e
really m a r r i e d , i n t h e i r o w n way.'
T h e y have r e a c h e d the river, b u t it is n o t an attractive place
t h e r e a r e f a c t o r i e s all a l o n g t h e b a n k s . E v e r y t h i n g l o o k s c o l d a n d
g l o o m y . C h a r l e s i s h o l d i n g a n u m b r e l l a a s i t i s still r a i n i n g .
'It's h a r d e s t f o r h i s p a r e n t s , ' says T o m . ' I h o p e I d i e b e f o r e m y
children.'
' Y o u ' r e v e r y c o n f i d e n t t h a t y o u ' l l g e t m a r r i e d , ' says C h a r l e s .
'But

should we

get

married

at

all, i f w e

can't

find

the

right

p e r s o n ? W e s a w t o d a y a t t h e s e r v i c e t h a t t h e r e can b e a p e r f e c t
marriage. A n d i f w e can't b e like

Gareth and Matthew, perhaps

we should just forget the idea. S o m e of us w o n ' t get m a r r i e d at

all.'
' I d o n ' t k n o w , C h a r l i e , ' says T o m , t h o u g h t f u l l y . ' I d o n ' t h o p e f o r
the perfect marriage. I ' m n o t l o o k i n g for t h u n d e r and lightning. I
j u s t w a n t a nice, friendly girl w h o likes m e t o o . T h e n w e ' l l get
m a r r i e d and be happy. It w o r k e d for my parents well, it did for

54

years, until t h e y separated . ..'

' T h e n I g i v e y o u six m o n t h s at t h e m o s t , T o m , ' replies C h a r l e s .
' Y o u w o n ' t h a v e t o w a i t a n y l o n g e r t h a n that. It'll h a p p e n b e f o r e
t h e n , y o u ' l l see. A n d m a y b e y o u ' r e r i g h t . M a y b e w a i t i n g for true
l o v e is q u i t e useless.'

55

Chapter 6 T h e Fourth Wedding

You

are invited to
at

the wedding of Charles and on July

St Julian's

Church,

Smithfield,

London

15th

EC1

It's C h a r l e s ' s w e d d i n g day, b u t e v e n n o w h e ' s n o t a w a k e ! H i s m a l e

f r i e n d s g a v e h i m a s p e c i a l p a r t y last n i g h t , a n d e v e r y b o d y d r a n k
t o o m u c h ! T h e a l a r m c l o c k r i n g s , C h a r l e s t u r n s i t off. H e g e t s
ready to go b a c k to sleep again. B u t then another bell rings, and
another!
'What

the

hell's

happening?' he

asks. H e

looks

around

the

r o o m . T h e r e are t w e n t y o r t h i r t y a l a r m c l o c k s i n t h e r e w i t h h i m !
T o m has b e e n s l e e p i n g n e x t t o h i m . ' I d e c i d e d that w e mustn't
b e l a t e ! ' h e says b r i g h t l y . ' I l i k e y o u r h a i r - s t y l e e x c e l l e n t f o r a
w e d d i n g ! ' Charles's hair is a total mess. He gets o u t of b e d and
g o e s i n t o t h e k i t c h e n , still i n h i s u n d e r w e a r . M a t t h e w i s a l r e a d y
there; he's g o i n g t o b e

Charles's best m a n . U n l i k e

Charles, he

looks very smart.

' M a t t h e w - g r e a t ! ' says

C h a r l e s , sleepily. ' L i s t e n - t h a n k s for

d o i n g this t o d a y ! I w i s h G a r e t h w a s here.' H e k n o w s w h a t a h a r d
t i m e M a t t h e w has h a d recently.
' H e ' d l i k e t o b e h e r e t o o , ' says M a t t h e w . ' S o r r y w e ' r e s o l a t e .
T h e o t h e r s a r e j u s t p a r k i n g t h e car. W e t h o u g h t t h a t w e c o u l d all
g o i n T o m ' s c a r b e c a u s e it's s o b i g . '
' L a t e ? I s i t s o l a t e ? ' asks C h a r l e s .
' Y e s - it's 9 . 4 5 . '
' N i n e f o r t y - f i v e ? ' C h a r l e s c a n ' t b e l i e v e it.
' O n l y f o r t y - f i v e m i n u t e s u n t i l y o u say, " I d o . ' "
' O h G o d ! I w a n t e d t h e a l a r m t o r i n g a t e i g h t o ' c l o c k ! I told
T o m ! O h , hell!'
N o w S c a r l e t t c o m e s i n , still i n h e r n i g h t d r e s s . H e r h a i r l o o k s

56

terrible t o o and she is y a w n i n g .

' S c a r l e t t ? ' M a t t h e w says. ' A r e y o u r e a d y ? '
'Oh

yes, yes

' she

answers

s l e e p i l y . 'Just

give

me

twenty

seconds!' A n d she makes herself a c u p of coffee.

T h e y d r i v e a s fast a s t h e y c a n t o t h e c h u r c h . C h a r l e s i s still
p u t t i n g o n his tie w h e n h e gets o u t o f t h e car.
' W h a t ' s t h e t i m e ? ' h e asks u r g e n t l y .
' H o n e s t l y ? ' asks M a t t h e w . ' Y o u r e a l l y w a n t t o k n o w ? '
' Y e s tell m e , p l e a s e ! '
' W e l l , ' says M a t t h e w , 'it's a b o u t t e n t o n i n e . '
Charles keeps on r u n n i n g towards the church, then suddenly
h e realizes w h a t M a t t h e w said.
'You

rats!'

he

shouts.

His

friends

all

start

laughing;

they

c h a n g e d t h e t i m e o n all t h o s e c l o c k s . I f t h e y h a d n ' t p l a y e d t h i s
j o k e C h a r l e s w o u l d h a v e b e e n late for his o w n w e d d i n g !

They've got plenty of time now, so

they get s o m e coffee and

d r i n k i t o u t s i d e o n t h e grass. F i o n a d e c i d e s t o m a k e a s p e e c h .
' I ' l l j u s t say a l i t t l e w o r d , ' s h e b e g i n s . ' I ' v e w a t c h e d C h a r l e s ' s
girlfriends c o m e and go for years now. I was w o r r i e d that he
w o u l d n e v e r g e t m a r r i e d ! B u t n o w everything's g o i n g t o b e fine.
U n f o r t u n a t e l y , h i s b r i d e i s q u i t e c r a z y - b u t p e r h a p s that's w h y h e
l o v e s h e r ! S o let's d r i n k t o C h a r l e s a n d h i s b e a u t i f u l g i r l o n t h i s
sad day. B e h a p p y a n d d o n ' t f o r g e t u s ! '
' T h a n k y o u , ' says C h a r l e s .
'To Charles and Duck-Face!'
T h e y raise t h e i r p l a s t i c c o f f e e c u p s a n d d r i n k .
' T h a n k y o u , Fiona, for those f e w k i n d w o r d s a b o u t m y future
wife!' C h a r l e s replies. 'She's sent a message for y o u , t o o ! ' He pulls
o u t a p i e c e of p a p e r a n d reads - or p r e t e n d s to r e a d f r o m it.
' " I f a n y o f y o u c o m e n e a r m y h o u s e , I'll s e n d t h e d o g s o u t t o
get y o u ! ' "

57

Charles pulls out a piece of paper and reads or pretends to read from
it. '"If any of you come near my house, I'll send the dogs out to get you!'"

Everyone

laughs,

and

they

set

off

for

the

c h u r c h . Today,

p e r h a p s f o r t h e first t i m e e v e r , C h a r l e s w o n ' t b e l a t e !

J o h n is o n e of the first guests to arrive. He's the m a n w h o s e wife

was

still

seeing Toby

de

Lisle.

And

he's

actually

Henrietta's

brother.
' H o p e m y s i s t e r a r r i v e s , ' h e says t o C h a r l e s . ' Y o u c a n ' t h a v e a
w e d d i n g w i t h o u t a bride, y o u k n o w . A n d w h y didn't y o u have a
p a r t y last n i g h t ? '
' O h , b u t we did, we did we didn't t h i n k i t w a s a g o o d idea!'
says C h a r l e s h u r r i e d l y . J o h n , o f c o u r s e , w a s n o t i n v i t e d t o t h e
party!
' Y o u l o o k l o v e l y t o d a y , Fi,' C h a r l e s says t o F i o n a , a s t h e y e n t e r

58

the c h u r c h together. She's w e a r i n g a smart j a c k e t of red, blue and

other colours.
'Yes,' she replies. 'I
more.'

Usually,

Fiona

d e c i d e d that I w o u l d n ' t w e a r b l a c k any

chooses

black

or

dark

colours

for

her

clothes. ' F r o m n o w on, I'm g o i n g to wear bright colours, and

f i n d s o m e b o d y w h o ' l l fall i n l o v e w i t h m e . T h a t ' l l b e d i f f e r e n t ,
w o n ' t it?'
' Y o u ' r e a d e a r g i r l , ' says C h a r l e s , a n d g i v e s h e r a f r i e n d l y k i s s .
C h a r l e s stays a l o n e i n t h e c h u r c h . H e w a l k s a r o u n d a n d l o o k s
rather u n c o m f o r t a b l e and nervous. He doesn't l o o k as happy as
b r i d e g r o o m s u s u a l l y l o o k o n t h e i r w e d d i n g day.
O u t s i d e t h e c h u r c h , S c a r l e t t a n d M a t t h e w are w e l c o m i n g t h e
guests. As usual, Scarlett is w e a r i n g s o m e t h i n g strange this t i m e
it's a f o r m a l w e d d i n g s u i t , b u t m a d e i n a m a n ' s s t y l e . I t l o o k s q u i t e
s w e e t on her, b u t a little bit o d d . S u d d e n l y , she screams! C h e s t e r
has

come

her

tall,

charming American

from

Carrie

and

Hamish's w e d d i n g . She is delighted!

'I

thought

that

you'd

gone

back

to

America!'

she

says,

excitedly.
' W i t h o u t y o u ? ' h e asks. ' N e v e r ! ' A n d h e g i v e s h e r a b i g kiss.
A n o l d m a n a p p e a r s a t t h e d o o r . It's t h e c r a z y m a n w h o sat
n e x t t o C h a r l e s a t t h e first w e d d i n g !
' B r i d e o r g r o o m ? ' M a t t h e w asks h i m , s o t h a t h e c a n s h o w h i m
w h e r e t o sit.
T h e o l d m a n l o o k s a t h i m a n g r i l y . ' I ' m n e i t h e r ! ' h e says. ' C a n ' t
y o u see?'
T o m i s l o o k i n g after a y o u n g l a d y c a l l e d D e i r d r e .
' B r i d e o r g r o o m ? ' h e asks h e r .
' B r i d e , ' s h e says. S h e l o o k s l i k e a n i c e g i r l v e r y g e n t l e a n d
p r e t t y . B u t f o r T o m , it's s o m e t h i n g m o r e . It's l o v e a t first s i g h t !
' H a v e n ' t w e m e t b e f o r e ? ' h e asks h e r .
'Yes, we have, a b o u t t w e n t y - f i v e years ago. W e ' r e

cousins

w e l l , distant cousins!' she smiles a t h i m . ' Y o u ' r e T o m , aren't y o u ? '

59

' S o y o u ' r e f a m i l y ! W o n d e r f u l w e l l , d o sit h e r e , D e i r d r e , ' h e says.

' G o o d G o d ! ' h e tells h i m s e l f , a s h e w a l k s a w a y . ' T h u n d e r a n d
lightning!'
C h a r l e s i s e v e n m o r e n e r v o u s n o w , a s h e s e e s all t h e g u e s t s
c o m i n g in.
' G o o d l u c k ! ' says t h e p r i e s t , p a s s i n g by.
Lydia and B e r n a r d arrive together, and Charles goes over to
welcome

them.

' H o w are y o u ? ' h e asks.

' V e r y t i r e d , a c t u a l l y , ' says B e r n a r d .
T h e n C h a r l e s s u d d e n l y sees C a r r i e , w h o has c o m e a l o n e . H e
didn't have any idea that she w a s c o m i n g . She's l o o k i n g elegant
b u t s h e s e e m s to be in a q u i e t m o o d , a n d a little sad.
' H i ! ' h e says. ' Y o u l o o k lovely. B u t t h e n y o u a l w a y s l o o k n i c e a t
weddings!'
S h e smiles at h i m .
' H o w ' s H a m i s h ? ' h e asks.
' O h , h e ' s f i n e I t h i n k , ' s h e says.
' Y o u t h i n k ? ' asks C h a r l e s , s u r p r i s e d . ' W h a t d o y o u m e a n ? '
' H e w a s n ' t t h e r i g h t m a n f o r m e a f t e r all,' s h e says.
' Y o u ' v e left h i m ? '
' W e l e f t e a c h o t h e r , ' s h e tells h i m . S h e l o o k s q u i t e w e a k , a n d
C h a r l e s leads h e r to a q u i e t p l a c e at t h e side of t h e c h u r c h w h e r e
t h e y c a n talk.
' W h e n d i d t h i s h a p p e n ? ' h e asks h e r .
' O h , a f e w m o n t h s ago. M a r c h w a s hell. B u t b y A p r i l , w e ' d
m a d e all t h e d e c i s i o n s a n d i t w a s O K . I w o n ' t m a r r y s o m e o n e s o
old again!' S h e tries to t u r n it i n t o a j o k e , b u t o b v i o u s l y she is n o t
very happy.
' C h a r l i e ! ' calls M a t t h e w . ' T i m e t o g o ! '
' Y e s , y e s I ' m c o m i n g , ' says C h a r l e s , n o t r e a l l y l i s t e n i n g t o
h i m . ' B u t w h y didn't y o u ring m e up?'
' W e l l , I t h o u g h t a b o u t it,' C a r r i e replies-, ' a n d I w a n t e d t o b u t

60

t h i n g s w e r e s o d i f f i c u l t t h e n . Y o u ' d b e t t e r g o n o w . I'll s e e y o u later.'

' I ' l l s h o w y o u t o y o u r seat,' C h a r l e s says. ' W e j u s t d i d n ' t g e t i t
right, did w e ? If only w e ' d b e e n together at the right time . . . '
' Y e s , w e g o t i t w r o n g , ' C a r r i e says sadly.
' T e r r i b l e . A w f u l , ' says

Charles, and he

m e a n s i t . ' B u t it's s o

l o v e l y to see y o u ! '
' W e l l , g o o d l u c k , ' says C a r r i e finally. 'It's v e r y easy, y o u k n o w ,
g e t t i n g m a r r i e d . Y o u j u s t say, " I d o " w h e n e v e r a n y o n e asks y o u a
question.'
' W e ' d b e t t e r g o t o t h e f r o n t , ' M a t t h e w tells C h a r l e s .
' C a n y o u g i v e m e a m o m e n t , M a t t h e w ? ' C h a r l e s asks h i m .
' O f c o u r s e , ' says M a t t h e w , w h o t h i n k s t h a t C h a r l e s w a n t s t o g o
to the toilet.

B u t C h a r l e s i s n o l o n g e r i n t h e r i g h t m o o d f o r his w e d d i n g . H e
g o e s i n t o a n e m p t y side r o o m a n d says, ' D e a r G o d , p l e a s e f o r g i v e
m e f o r w h a t I a m g o i n g t o say i n y o u r c h u r c h - D a m n ! D a m n !
D a m n and hell!'
' C a n I h e l p y o u ? ' asks a s y m p a t h e t i c v o i c e . A p r i e s t s t e p s o u t
from behind a curtain in the same r o o m , w h e r e he was washing
his h a n d s . I t s e e m s that the r o o m w a s n o t e m p t y .
' O h n o , t h a n k s ! ' says C h a r l e s , e m b a r r a s s e d . ' I w a s d o i n g s o m e
exercises - y o u k n o w , for my v o i c e . T h i s is a b i g church!'
' E x c e l l e n t , I o f t e n do the s a m e m y s e l f - I use rather different
w o r d s , o f c o u r s e . I'll l e a v e y o u a l o n e n o w . '
C h a r l e s still c a n n o t c o m e b a c k o u t i n t o t h e c h u r c h , a n d T o m
a n d M a t t h e w are g e t t i n g w o r r i e d .
' T h e b r i d e ' s a r r i v i n g n o w , ' says M a t t h e w . A l a r g e b l a c k c a r h a s
d r i v e n u p t o t h e c h u r c h a n d H e n r i e t t a gets o u t w i t h h e r father.
S h e is dressed finely for the w e d d i n g , in w h i t e , w i t h flowers in
h e r hair.
' W e l l , that's g r e a t , ' says T o m . ' B e c a u s e w e ' v e l o s t t h e g r o o m . '

61

' T r y t o k e e p h e r o u t s i d e f o r a b i t , ' says M a t t h e w . ' I ' l l g o a n d

l o o k for Charles.'
' M a t t h e w ! ' says C h a r l e s b r i g h t l y w h e n h e s e e s h i s b e s t m a n .
He is v e r y unhappy. ' G o o d to see y o u ! Tell me w h a t do y o u
think about marriage?'
' W e l l ' says M a t t h e w , u n c e r t a i n h o w t o a n s w e r this. ' I t h i n k t h a t
it's r e a l l y g o o d , i f y o u l o v e t h e o t h e r p e r s o n w i t h all y o u r h e a r t . '
' E x a c t l y , ' says C h a r l e s . ' B u t I ' v e b e e n t o s o m a n y w e d d i n g s , a n d
n o w it's m y o w n w e d d i n g d a y a n d I ' m still t h i n k i n g . '
' W h a t are y o u t h i n k i n g a b o u t ? C a n I ask?'
' N o , n o - b e t t e r n o t , ' says C h a r l e s .
T o m is n o w standing at the church door, talking to Henrietta
a n d h e r father. ' I ' m t e r r i b l y sorry,' h e says. ' T h e s e r v i c e w i l l b e a
f e w m i n u t e s late. T h e r e ' s a p r o b l e m w i t h the flowers.'
' W i t h t h e f l o w e r s ? ' asks H e n r i e t t a . ' W h a t p r o b l e m ? ' S h e c l e a r l y
doesn't w a n t

any problems

on

h e r w e l l - p l a n n e d w e d d i n g day.

H e n r i e t t a g e t s a n n o y e d v e r y easily.
' W e l l , ' says T o m , t h i n k i n g h a r d , ' t h e y are m a k i n g s o m e p e o p l e
ill, s o w e h a v e t o m o v e t h e m . '
Henrietta and her father l o o k angry, but they wait at the door.
People

in

the

church

w o n d e r i n g what's

are

getting

happening. T h e

restless

bride

now

must

too. They're

have

arrived by

now. W h e r e is the groom?

'I
with

t h i n k t h e y b e l i e v e d m e ! ' T o m tells S c a r l e t t . H e i s p l e a s e d
himself. 'People

think

I ' m stupid, y o u

see. S o

they don't

realize that I c a n tell a c l e v e r lie!'

D a v i d has n o w j o i n e d M a t t h e w a n d C h a r l e s i n t h e side r o o m .
C h a r l e s still w o n ' t g o b a c k i n t o t h e c h u r c h . H e i s t o o u n h a p p y
and

confused.

David

hits

the

table

to

make

noise, so

that

Carrie. She

and

Charles will notice him.

' W h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g ? Tell m e ! ' h e signs.
' O h , God,' Charles

signs

back. 'I just

H a m i s h have separated.'

62

saw

' C h a r l e s , it's y o u r w e d d i n g day,' D a v i d tells h i m .

' W h a t ' s y o u r a d v i c e ? ' C h a r l e s asks.
'Well, y o u can do o n e of three things. N u m b e r one: just get
married, as y o u ' v e planned.'
Charles nods.
' N u m b e r t w o : y o u c a n g o b a c k a n d say, " S o r r y n o w e d d i n g
today!'" David continues.
' I d o n ' t l i k e t h a t i d e a , ' says C h a r l e s . ' W h a t ' s n u m b e r t h r e e ? '
' N u m b e r t h r e e - ' s i g n s D a v i d . ' W e l l , I c a n ' t t h i n k w h a t t h a t is.'
' H e l l , ' says C h a r l e s .
T h e r e is a k n o c k on the door, and the priest c o m e s in.
' H e l l o , ' h e says, s m i l i n g . ' A r e y o u r e a d y t o m e e t t h e e n e m y ? '
' A r e w e ? ' asks M a t t h e w . It's n o t r e a l l y a j o k e a t all. E v e r y o n e
looks at Charles.
' Y e s , ' says C h a r l e s . ' E x c e l l e n t . '

H e tries n o t t o l o o k a t C a r r i e a s h e w a l k s t o t h e front o f t h e
c h u r c h a n d sits d o w n . T h e w e d d i n g m u s i c starts, a n d C h a r l e s a n d
M a t t h e w stand u p

together. T h e

doors

Henrietta, proud and beautiful, walks

at the back

d o w n the

open, and

aisle w i t h h e r

father.
S h e pulls a t h e r father's a r m . S h e i s a n n o y e d w i t h h i m . ' D o n ' t
h o l d m e s o tightly, D a d , ' she w h i s p e r s angrily.
The

priest begins

to

read aloud

the

words

of the w e d d i n g

service. A s C h a r l e s listens t o t h e priest's w o r d s h e l o o k s c o n f u s e d

a n d w o r r i e d . T h e p r i e s t asks w h e t h e r a n y o n e t h i n k s t h a t C h a r l e s
and Henrietta should not get married. T h e

question is in the

w e d d i n g s e r v i c e b e c a u s e that i s t h e law. I f e i t h e r t h e b r i d e o r t h e
g r o o m i s a l r e a d y m a r r i e d , f o r e x a m p l e , t h e n s o m e o n e m a y say
t h a t t h e y are b r e a k i n g t h e l a w . U s u a l l y , o f c o u r s e , n o o n e a n s w e r s
the

question.

But

this

time

there

is

k n o c k i n g o n his w o o d e n c h u r c h seat.

63

loud

noise.

David

is

' I ' m s o r r y d o e s s o m e o n e w a n t t o s p e a k ? ' t h e priest asks, v e r y

surprised.
D a v i d puts u p his h a n d .
' Y e s w h a t is it?'
D a v i d , of course, can't speak aloud, so he b e g i n s to sign to
Charles.
' O n e s e c o n d , ' says C h a r l e s , a s h e s i g n s b a c k . ' W h a t ' s g o i n g o n ? '
' I t h o u g h t o f i d e a n u m b e r t h r e e , ' D a v i d tells h i m .
'What?'
' W i l l y o u translate?'
'Translate w h a t ? '
' W h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g , C h a r l e s ? ' asks t h e p r i e s t .
' C h a r l e s what?' a s k s h i s b r i d e .
' H e w a n t s m e t o t r a n s l a t e w h a t h e ' s s a y i n g , ' says C h a r l e s .
' A n d w h a t i s h e s a y i n g ? ' asks t h e p r i e s t .
' H e says: " I s u s p e c t t h a t t h e g r o o m i s h a v i n g d o u b t s . I s u s p e c t
that

he

would

groom

like

to

delay

the

wedding.

suspect

that

the

...'

' R e a l l y loves a n o t h e r w o m a n , ' signs D a v i d . C h a r l e s d o e s n o t

t r a n s l a t e t h i s . 'It's t r u e , i s n ' t i t , C h a r l e s ? T h i n k a b o u t i t , b e c a u s e it's
f o r t h e rest o f y o u r l i f e , C h a r l e s . It's f i n a l . S o y o u m u s t o n l y m a r r y
t h e p e r s o n w h o y o u l o v e w i t h all y o u r h e a r t . A n d - y o u r t r o u s e r s
are u n d o n e ! '
I t i s a k i n d o f j o k e , b u t C h a r l e s l o o k s d o w n a t t h e zip o n his
trousers. He is totally confused.
' W h a t ' s h e s a y i n g ? ' asks t h e p r i e s t .
'He

suspects that the

g r o o m loves

another w o m a n , ' answers

Charles.
'And do you? Do you, Charles?'
C h a r l e s is silent for a m o m e n t . E v e r y b o d y in the c h u r c h l o o k s
s h o c k e d . T h e y a r e all s t a r i n g a t C h a r l e s . H e n r i e t t a i s s t a r i n g a t
C h a r l e s t o o . S h e can't b e l i e v e this i s h a p p e n i n g .
'I do,' he replies, in the w o r d s of the w e d d i n g service.

64

Suddenly, Henrietta screams. She throws d o w n her flowers and

hits C h a r l e s h a r d i n t h e e y e . H e falls o v e r , a n d s h e h i t s a n d k i c k s
h i m a g a i n . S h e has r e a l l y l o s t h e r t e m p e r t h i s t i m e ! S h e i s v e r y ,
v e r y angry, a n d m a y b e a little c r a z y t o o . S o m e p e o p l e r u s h t o t h e
front o f the

church to

help

Henrietta attacking him. T h e

Charles. O t h e r people
situation

gets v e r y

try to

stop

confused. T h e

w e d d i n g is certainly not g o i n g to happen today!

B a c k i n C h a r l e s ' s k i t c h e n l a t e r t h a t a f t e r n o o n , e v e r y o n e i s still
s h o c k e d . O u t s i d e i t i s p o u r i n g w i t h rain a n d t h e t h u n d e r crashes
i n t h e sky.
'My

G o d ! ' says

Scarlett. F o r

once, she

doesn't

really

know

w h a t t o say.
' W e l l , ' says T o m , t r y i n g t o b e h e l p f u l . ' A t l e a s t w e w o n ' t f o r g e t
this w e d d i n g ! I m e a n , a l o t o f w e d d i n g s are t h e s a m e , aren't t h e y ?
A f t e r w a r d s , y o u c a n ' t r e m e m b e r t h e m a t all. B u t t h i s o n e w a s
really different!'
' Y e s - i t d i d n ' t h a v e a w e d d i n g s e r v i c e , ' says M a t t h e w , i n a d r y
voice.
C h a r l e s d o e s n ' t say a n y t h i n g . H e has a b l a c k e y e .
' P o o r g i r l , ' says F i o n a . ' N o , I r e a l l y m e a n i t p o o r g i r l ! O K ,
she's n o t m y f a v o u r i t e p e r s o n i n t h e w o r l d . B u t y o u ' v e d o n e a
t e r r i b l e t h i n g , C h a r l e s I t h i n k it's q u i t e u n f o r g i v a b l e . '
C h a r l e s i s s h o c k e d t o o . H e can't q u i t e b e l i e v e that h e d i d this.
' P o o r H e n , ' h e sa y s , ' I d o n ' t e v e n w a n t t o t h i n k a b o u t i t , it's s o
awful.'
' B u t i f y o u w e r e n ' t sure that y o u w a n t e d t o m a r r y h e r o n y o u r
w e d d i n g day, t h e n i t w a s p r o b a b l y t h e r i g h t d e c i s i o n , w a s n ' t i t ? '
T o m asks.
Usually, Fiona is

rude

about

e v e r y t h i n g that T o m says. B u t

n o w s h e s i m p l y says, ' Y o u ' r e r i g h t , T o m , ' a n d t o u c h e s his c h e e k

lovingly.

65

'It's a l o v e l y d r e s s , ' says S c a r l e t t . ' I ' m s u r e i t ' l l b e u s e f u l f o r

parties!'
' I b l a m e m y s e l f signs D a v i d .
' W h a t d i d h e s a y ? ' asks M a t t h e w .
' H e says t h a t h e b l a m e s h i m s e l f , ' C h a r l e s t r a n s l a t e s .
' N o ! ' shouts

everyone

together. ' N o , y o u

mustn't

do

that,

David!'
' Y e s , t h e y b l a m e y o u t o o ! ' C h a r l e s u n k i n d l y tells h i s b r o t h e r .
T h e d o o r b e l l rings, and e v e r y o n e gets up.
' N o , ' says C h a r l e s . ' I ' l l a n s w e r it. I f t h e r e ' s a p r o b l e m , it's m y
problem.'
B u t it's C a r r i e a t t h e d o o r . It's p o u r i n g w i t h r a i n , a n d she's
very wet.
' H e l l o , ' s h e says.
' H i ! G o d , y o u ' r e w e t ! ' says C h a r l e s . ' C o m e i n ! '
' N o , n o , I ' m fine,' she replies. ' I ' m so w e t that I can't get any
w e t t e r . D o y o u k n o w w h a t I m e a n ? ' S h e s m i l e s a t h i m , b u t she's
also v e r y s e r i o u s .
' O K t h e n I'll c o m e o u t , ' C h a r l e s says.
' N o , p l e a s e d o n ' t ! ' says C a r r i e . ' I j u s t w a n t e d t o s e e i f y o u w e r e
all r i g h t . I w a n t e d t o m a k e s u r e t h a t y o u w e r e n ' t k i l l i n g y o u r s e l f
or anything.'
B u t C h a r l e s steps o u t a n d j o i n s h e r i n t h e rain. T h e y stand
together

on

the

pavement,

and

after

few

seconds,

he

is

completely w e t too.
'It w a s w r o n g o f m e t o c o m e t o t h e c h u r c h this m o r n i n g
I ' m s o r r y . I c a n s e e t h a t y o u ' r e O K , s o I'd b e t t e r g o n o w '
' N o w a i t - I ' m t o b l a m e , n o t y o u , ' says C h a r l e s . ' I b e h a v e d really
b a d l y today. B u t I ' m sure a b o u t o n e t h i n g n o w m a r r i a g e i s n o t
r i g h t f o r m e a t all. A n d I l e a r n t a n o t h e r t h i n g . W h e n I w a s s t a n d i n g
there

in

the

church, I

realized for the first t i m e

that

totally,

c o m p l e t e l y l o v e o n e p e r s o n , w i t h all m y h e a r t . A n d t h a t p e r s o n
w a s n ' t m y b r i d e . It's t h e p e r s o n w h o ' s h e r e w i t h m e n o w , i n t h e rain.'

66

'Is i t still r a i n i n g ? ' asks C a r r i e . ' I d i d n ' t n o t i c e . '

' I n f a c t , I ' v e l o v e d y o u s i n c e t h e first m i n u t e I s a w y o u . Y o u ' r e
n o t s u d d e n l y g o i n g a w a y a g a i n , a r e y o u ? ' h e asks i n a l a r m .
' N o , I m i g h t b e w a s h e d a w a y b y the rain, b u t I ' m n o t g o i n g
a w a y again.'
' O K , O K , w e ' l l g o b a c k i n , ' says C h a r l e s . ' B u t first, c a n I ask
y o u one thing? Do y o u think do y o u

think that y o u could

a g r e e not t o m a r r y m e ? A f t e r w e ' v e g o t d r y a g a i n , o f c o u r s e . A n d
after w e ' v e s p e n t lots

of time

t o g e t h e r . D o y o u t h i n k that y o u

c o u l d a g r e e not t o b e m a r r i e d t o m e , f o r t h e rest o f y o u r l i f e ? '

C a r r i e l o o k s at h i m , her eyes v e r y serious now.
' D o y o u ? ' h e asks h e r .
'I do,' she answers, in t h e w o r d s of t h e w e d d i n g service.
T h e y kiss a n d a b o v e , i n t h e s t o r m y s k i e s o f L o n d o n , t h e r e i s
t h u n d e r a n d lightning for Charles too.

67

A n d h o w does the future go? Well, if we m o v e forwards in time

a n d take s o m e m o r e p h o t o s , w e see s o m e t h i n g like this:
A p i c t u r e o f H e n r i e t t a a t her w e d d i n g . S h e ' s f o r g o t t e n all a b o u t
C h a r l e s n o w ; she's m a r r y i n g a h a n d s o m e soldier. H e ' s w e a r i n g a
u n i f o r m w i t h a r e d j a c k e t , a n d she's l a u g h i n g a s t h e y l e a v e t h e
church.
And

here's

picture

of Charles's

brother

David,

marrying

Serena. T h e y b o t h l o o k very sweet a g o o d couple!

W h a t a b o u t S c a r l e t t ? Y e s , h e r e ' s a p i c t u r e o f h e r she's g e t t i n g
m a r r i e d t o C h e s t e r , h e r b i g A m e r i c a n . She's w e a r i n g s o m e t h i n g
different, as usual a w h i t e c o w - g i r l hat.
There's

picture

of T o m

and

Deirdre

too,

taken

at

their

w e d d i n g reception. They're outside Tom's e n o r m o u s house. Tom's

black d o g is in the p h o t o too, and Deirdre is w e a r i n g the 'country
g i r l ' w e d d i n g dress that C a r r i e refused t o buy.
Here's

one

of Matthew, looking

happy

again. He's

found

n e w b o y f r i e n d . He's y o u n g e r than G a r e t h a b o u t the same age

a s M a t t h e w . T h e y ' r e a t a p a r t y t o g e t h e r . It's g o o d t h a t M a t t h e w
c a n l e a v e all h i s o l d s a d n e s s b e h i n d .
And

Fiona? W h o ' s

she

with? Well,

it

seems

to

be

Prince

C h a r l e s ! T h e y ' r e n o t e x a c t l y m a r r i e d y e t , b u t she's o u t w i t h h i m
in

public.

He

looks

serious,

as

usual,

but

she's

wearing

an

e n o r m o u s p i n k hat a n d has g o t a b i g smile o n h e r face.

C h a r l e s a n d C a r r i e ar e still n o t m a r r i e d . A t l e a s t , t h e r e are n o
w e d d i n g p h o t o s , so they can't have g o t married. T h e y must have
k e p t t h e i r p r o m i s e . B u t t h e y do h a v e a b a b y a l o v e l y little boy.
In o u r p h o t o , Charles is pointing at the camera and C a r r i e is
s m i l i n g . W e c a n see that they're v e r y h a p p y t o g e t h e r , a n d that
they're g e t t i n g o n fine w i t h o u t the s o u n d o f w e d d i n g bells!