+ | Assertiveness & oO “The more arguments you win, the fewer == | friends you'll have.” YU — ANONYMOUS BUT TOTALLY ACCURATE PROVERB i ‘| | i DEFINITION: | Assertiveness is composed of three basic components: (1) the ability to express feelings (for example, to accept and express anger, warmth and sexual feelings); (2) the ability to express beliefs and thoughts openly (being able to voice opinions, disagree and take a definite stand, even if it is emotionally difficult to do so and even if you have some- thing to lose by doing so}; and (3) the ability to stand up for personal rights (not allowing others to bother or take advantage of you).' Assertive people are not shy—they are ! able to express their feelings and beliefs (often directly) I and they do so without being aggressive or abusive. Juanita was a brilliant young marketing assistant at a large advertising i agency. She had excelled in all her subjects throughout high school and college, always placing in the top 10 percent of her class. She had a keen eye for details and a quick wit. She was devastated, however, when after her first year at a prominent New York City ad agency sheeh Mi 74 | Part 2: The Intrapersonal Realm was not among the few who were fast-tracked for promotions, Although she worked hard and her work was of high quality, others always saw her as being behind the scenes. Not being very extroverted, Juanita preferred to get the job done in a neat, quiet and efficient way. She held modesty as a virtue and would never brag about her accomplishments. In meetings, she listened care- fully, but did not actively contribute to discussions. Even when great ideas came to her, she withheld them for later, when she could quiet- ly think them through and then enter them into her computer. But she noticed that the people who did speak up at these meetings, whether their comments and ideas were well grounded or not, were the ones who were quickly moving up in the company, Finally, when she real- ized that her introversion was holding her back, Juanita decided to enroll in an assertiveness-training seminar. Juanita learned to rehearse the assertiveness skills she needed to present her views to a group. The first issue was her anxiety. She Jearned to take several slow breaths, which allowed her to focus. She | visualized scenarios, so she could practice entering into conversations. She rehearsed different approaches, and prepared, as much as possi- ble, ways to deal with any opposition to her views. A few weeks after the seminar finished, Juanita sat in on a strategy meeting to decide whether a T'V-commercial script under review for one of their largest clients was suitably focused on the client’s key message to consumers. Juanita knew right away that the message wasn’t geared to the young audience the client was aiming at. Waiting for an appropriate break in the discussion, Juanita inter- vened: “Can we just step back a bit? If you don’t mind, I just want to mention something that [the client] stressed at our first development meeting. They wanted a campaign that spoke directly to youth. This piece goes over the heads of our key audience.” * She went on to offer two specific examples of how they were miss- ing their objective. There were some people with objections to her per- spective, but taking their criticisms into account, and presenting herChapter 4: Assertiveness | 75 » well-thought-out case with just the right combination of reasort and emotion, she convinced the team she was right. She then went on to spell out what elements the new campaign should have to meet the client’s needs. Speaking out in a work-group setting was not easy for Juanita. Not doing so before had hindered her ability to be recognized for her work. Now, after a year and a half at her job, she was finally being noticed. :. She started getting the recognition she deserved, and soon got the pro- ' motion she desired. Her new assertiveness played a big role in ~ Juanita’s increased success at her job. Moreover, she was better able to deal with group situations in other areas of her life, |, What Is Meant by Assertiveness? ' Assertiveness is much misunderstood. That’s ironic, because assertiveness involves the ability to communicate clearly, specifically | and unambiguously, while at the same time being sensitive to the ©. needs of others and their responses in a particular encounter. One very interesting study we released garnered a fair degree of media attention. Wed found, based on the administration of the EQ-i to 4,000 people, that Americans scored significantly higher than did Canadians in several areas, notably reality testing, happiness, optimism and assertiveness. By this last point, we meant that the Canadians sur- veyed were more reticent, more apt to take the overly polite way out, less able to express what they wanted and why, But the commentary was startling. When we were interviewed on radio and TV talk shows, many of the hosts and most of the callers took us to task for suggesting that Canadians ought to be “more like” our neighbors to the south. The last thing in the world they wanted, they said (at considerable length), was to be as loud and pushy as they perceived Americans to be. Well, that’s not what we mean by assertiveness. According to our findings, Canadians do tend to be more passive and——a key word— indirect in their dealings with others. Americans are more to the point,76 | Part 2: The Intrapersonal Realm more no-nonsense. But the distinction was one of degree, not kind. In fact, there’s no single way of being assertive. Within the definition of assertiveness, there is latitude for interpretation. Everyone has his or her own style. You can be humorous or serious, concise or eloquent. We aren’t all the same, and the idea isn’t to use the concept of emo- tional intelligence as a whole to turn Americans and Canadians or any- body else into clones. The ability to act with a proper degree of assertiveness breaks down three ways. First, you must have sufficient self-awareness to be able to recognize feelings before you express them. Second, you must have sufficient impulse control to express disapproval and even anger (if a degree of anger is called for) without letting it escalate into fury, and to express a range of desires in the appropriate way, with the appropriate intensity. Third and last, you must stand up for your own rights, your own causes and deeply held beliefs. This means being able to disagree with others without resorting to emotional sabotage or sub- terfuge, and being able to walk a fine line, defending your wishes while, at the same time, respecting another person’s point of view and being sensitive to their needs. This often results in a constructive compromise—what’s known as a “win-win” situation. Because the bonds of a relationship are strengthened when both parties show consideration, both are far more likely to walk away from the encounter with their needs at least par- tially fulfilled. Assertiveness Is Not Aggression A very common mistake is to confuse assertive behavior with aggres- sive conduct. Indeed, this is why some people shy away from the very idea of assertiveness. To them, it equals aggression; they fear that they'll burt others, or that they won’t seem likeable. Not so— assertiveness is characterized by a clear statement of one’s beliefs and/or feelings, accompanied by a consideration of the thoughts and feelings of others. Without this consideration, certainly, assertiveness