New beginnings THIS YEAR, THE YEAR BEFORE I TURN 30, HAS BEEN marked by important decisions that are going to shape my future. Last summer I resigned from my work, a couple months after I got promoted to group head. It was a decision that took years to mature and eventually materialize. I finally re- alized my unhappiness at work far outweighed whatever benefits I was get- : ting. A few months ago, I ended a relation- ship that I thought would last long. It was one of the hard- est decisions I have ever had to make. It was difficult to han- dle, and it was mem- orable. Just recently, I visited my university to express my inten- tion to withdraw from my master’s degree program. It was a decision that I had to make. In fact, it was the only thing to do. I put my graduate studies on hold when my company relo- cated to the south; my work schedule and job responsibilities presented me no options. Three and a half years later, the residency period to complete the requirements of my aca- demic studies lapsed. It was quite obvious that I could not complete my degree. Which is perhaps just as well, because I feel that at this point 1 cannot subject myself to rigorous study, to feverish poring over hundreds of books and reading materials, to frantic turning in of academic papers, and to se- rious theoretical discourses in the hope of contributing to so- ciological thought. Either that, or I have simply lost interest in theories. Perhaps being in the “corporate” world has changed me. T may have imbibed what many activists call “petit-bourgeois” thinking, ie., subscribing to the capitalist ideology. True enough, I find myself getting more interested in acquiring fa- miliarity with business terms and the rules of the trade. And I have become a little more entrepreneurial than I thought myself capable of when I put up a freelancing business. I thought it would just be my fallback option when I was mulling over my resignation, but soon after I left my employ- ment, it became not just an option, but a very viable employ- ment in itself, : Theoretical studies may have lost their appeal to me and may have become more partial to utilitarian concerns and things and issues that have a practical bearing on everyday life, but my burning passion for knowledge remains strong and unflinching. And as I told them at the university, I still in- tend to pursue my academic studies when I am in my best shape and in the right frame of mind. At the turn of the decade, as I leave my 20s and face my 30s, 1 am filled with apprehensions. It is too early for midlife crisis, I know. But when you are asked questions by your mother (perhaps the most important and influential person in most people’s lives, or at least those who ate sin- gle), you cannot help but think and assess yourself in or- der to figure out the answers. Questions like: Don’t you want to join government service? Why don’t you take the civil service exam so you can clinch an executive position in the bureaucracy? Aren’t you going to school again—and perhaps take up law this time? Is that free- lance thing of yours stable? Don’t you like to get employed Aga A OD Randy Renter 1. Espinoza We want to know what the young are thinking about. What are their thoughts on current issues? We welcome contributions from the twentysomething and below.—Ed.a's SM a a ach en Rl aE the 3c aa a -_ question at all?): When are you getting married and start- ing to have children? I realize that my mother’s questions are actually the very same questions that I need to ask myself. And suddenly Il am amazed at how intuitive mothers can be. They may have giv- en us, albeit grudgingly, the freedom to live our own lives, but apparently they haven’t stopped watching us, and they are always there, feeling us. And most of the time the an- swers we give them are not the answers they want to hear from us, but then they resign themselves to whatever deci- sions we make. They just wish and pray that those decisions turn out to be right one way or another. I am now at a turning point in my life, at a crossroads; weighed down by questions. Am I happy to be a stay-at- home freelancer? Should I get employed again to break the monotony of working at home? Should I put up an addition- al business? Perhaps I should take up an advocacy or work for an NGO? When will! study again? And what will I study? Am I cut out for relationships, or am I really better off unattached? To my surprise, and dismay, the answers are not clear and definite. I am tempted to link this indecisiveness to what I perceive to be a general disquiet among the young/younger generation of the modern/postmodern world, the feeling of being ill at ease, of being torn between their idealistic selves and market forces, of being carefree but at the same time having to muster a sense of responsibility, of having to recon- cile what is essential and what are just artificial needs creat- ed by technology and the media, of needing to pursue the things they like and also satisfy their families’ expectations, of having to deal with the conflicting demands of personal wishes and social pressures. When you are turning 30 and faced with dilemmas, no amount of rationalization will get you anywhere. It took me some time to come to the decisions that I made. There may not be time to turn back or regret. There are only new be- ginnings to pursue. I may continue my freelancing busi- ness, since it gives me fulfillment and financial power at this time, but what is certain is that I will start saving for the future. (Yup, you tead it right, I have not piled a sizeable bank account.) Whether I will go back to being a salaried employee or continue to enhance my entrepreneurial skills, whether I will pursue another master’s degree in social sci- ences or get a second degree in business or accountancy, I cannot say for certain. What I am sure of is that I will study when the conditions are favorable and conducive, and when I am ready. I may not be getting married, at least any- time soon, for sure I will be open to new people who will cross my path and forge new relationships, friendly or inti- mate, in the years to come. Whatever happens, whatever path I will end up choosing, it should lead to a life that is purpose-driven. Even ifthe pur- pose is as bourgeois as saving money and further studies or saving for my own house and lot, Ithink itis still a good start. From there everything will follow. Then I can perhaps con- sider volunteer work or joining an NGO—or think about a life-long partnership with a worthy mate. Randy Renier I. Espinoza, 29, is a freelance editor/proofreader providing services to US court reporters. NOTICE TO YOUNGBLOOD CONTRIBUTORS: Send your contributions by e-mail to youngblood@inquir- er.com.ph together with your address, age and the school, course and year you're enrolled in or, if employed, the posi- tion you're holding and the company you work with. Con- tributions to Youngblood should not have been previously published.