Chapter 0: Too much Ale

"Why am I always surrounded by filthy men? Why can I never be around nice
guys that don't just want to gawk at my breasts all the time?" I though as I was
sitting in a pub.
I took a swig of ale and slammed my mug on the table. "Granted they are
pretty large, but it's just so uncomfortable for so many guys to be staring at me like
that." I took a look around the room, beer goggles on, and took a gander at the men
looking at me. I looked to the table to the right of me. One of the men at the table
was small and skinny. "He must be a scholar." I thought as I turned my gaze to the
table left of me. "He must be a bandit. I best keep away from him." I pondered as I
saw the stout man in a hood, the smell of poison on him. "Are there no decent men
in this place!?" I yelled as I threw my mug at the bartender. "Hey! Watch were
you're throwing that!" Yelled the bartender as he dodged the mug. I pushed the
table away with my feet and stood up from my chair. "Strawberries I'm drunk." I
thought as I pulled out the dagger from my hip. "I swear to God if any more of you
men ogle me I'm going to stab your eyes!" I shouted as I swung my dagger around
me. "Why don't you just calm down a little bit?" Said the scholarly man in a
charismatic voice. I looked at him dizzily. "Don't tell me what to do!" I exclaimed as I
threw my dagger into his leg. "AUGH!" Bellowed the man as he felt the cold steel
penetrate his bone. "That'll show ya!" I exclaimed as I sat back down in my chair
with a huff. "When are those two morons gunna get here?" I pondered. "Hey missy!"
Yelled a burly man standing behind the bar. "He looks scary." I thought. *Hiccup*"He
must be the bartender." I concluded. "You don't just wander into my place and
wreck it!" He exclaimed with his Scottish accent as he walked over to where I was
sitting. "Get out of my pub." He said close to my face. I burped. "Well sorry man, I'm
stuck here waiting for two idiots to come back." I said in a tipsy voice.
"I don't care who you're waitin for! Get out of my pub!"
"But why would I do that when I can stay here?" I responded in a sassy voice.
"I'm giving ye ten seconds to get out of here before I break that pretty face of
yours." Said the bartender in a harsh voice.
"Can I get another drink?"
"Ten."
*Hiccup*
"Nine."
"Is that a no?"
"Eight"
"I guess that's a no."

"Seven"
"Guess I'll have to get a drink myself" I said as I stood up from my chair
again.
"Six." I walked over to the bar, a slight wobble in my steps, and grabbed a
mug of ale someone was drinking.
"Three."
"Are you serious about me leaving?"
"Two."
"I take that as a yes."
"One."
"Sigh, I guess it's just one of those days." I thought as a chugged the mug
and slammed it back onto the counter. "Zero. You had your chance Missy, but now
I'm going to ruin that pretty face of yours." Im too drunk for this right now. The
bartender untied his apron and placed it on a chair. Im going to fix you guys
staring at me problem. He said as he pulled out two war axes from his belt and
swung them around a bit. I whistled as I took a gander at his war axes. "I need to
get me some of those!" I exclaimed with a laugh. "Enough talk, I'm going to ruin
you!" Yelled the bartender as he threw one of his axes at me. Guess I have no
choice though Gerro Arma! There was a loud clang as the axe fell to the ground.
Got em. I thought to myself.
"What in the world!?" Questioned the bartender.
"You shouldn't have done that." I said with a smile as I held a short sword in
my hands.
"Where did that sword come from!?" Exclaimed the bartender in a perplexed
voice.
"If you had given me another drink I might have shown you, but now it's too
late." I said with a sassy smile. "Those two better get here soon. Its gunna get
messy.
The door to the bar opened and warm summer air blew in. Two boys entered
the bar and took in their surroundings. Piles of bodies were all around the room. The
sound of men groaning and moaning could be heard throughout the pub. Beer and
other alcoholic beverages were splashed on the walls and tables. Glass and broken
chairs littered the floor along with the men. "Wheee!" I shouted happily as I started
rocking in a chair. I am sooo drunk.
"God Traci, we were gone for ten minutes! How could you cause this much
damage in that small time period!?" Exclaimed the smaller of the two guys that
entered into the pub. I fell backwards on my back from rocking the chair too much.

*Hiccup* "I had a little accident." I said in a giggly voice. The shorter of the guys
walked over to me and helped me on my feet. My legs were like jelly; even with him
supporting my weight I couldn't stand. Im all wiggly! I yelled, the smell of alcohol
in my breath. "You smell like a drunkard at a wedding!"
I giggled. "That's because this was like a party silly!" I exclaimed in my
drunken voice. "You sure did." Said the other guy by the door. "C'mon man. Help me
put her on my back so that we can go back to the Inn." Said the shorter guy as he
tried to put me on his back. "Yeah yeah, Im coming." Responded the taller guy. The
taller guy grabbed my two arms and struggled to hoist me onto the shorter guy's
back. The sudden movement cause me to belch. "Aw Traci!" Yelled the shorter guy.
"Whoopsie! I guess I'm a bit drunk, but not THAT much!" I said tipsily. The short boy
shook his head as he walked out the door. "Whatever you say, let's just take you
back to the inn." *Hiccup* "Field trip!" I yelled as we left the pub.
At some point I fell asleep on his back and woke up later that night. "Whee..."
I said as I woke up on my bed. "Crap I'm still drunk." I thought as I smelled my own
breath. "Hey you guys!" Are you still awake!?" I yelled as I kicked the covers off of
me.
"We are now!" Responded the taller guy in a grumpy voice.
"And so is everyone else in the building!" Shouted someone from another room.
"Sorry!" I yelled. There was some muffled grumbling and a few curse words from the
other room, then silence.
The shorter guy rose from his bed with a yawn and a scratch of his back.
"Well now that we're awake, do you want to tell us what happened at the bar?"
Asked the short bro. I sat there with a dazed look pondering his question. What?
What happened in the bar? He asked again.
"Oh yeah! I almost forgot!" I exclaimed in a slurred voice. "So I was there
drinking a mug of ale. It was pretty good. And then all the guys started to look at
me. And I was like, 'Why are you all looking at me?' And then after a couple more
drinks I figured it out." I rambled in an intoxicated voice. "So why were they staring
at you?" Asked the taller man. I lifted my breasts with my hands. "Because they
were staring at these!" I exclaimed as I 'juggled' my breasts. The shorter man stood
up from his bed and walked over to me.
"Stop that." He said as he lightly smacked one of my hands.
"What?" I asked in a confused voice.
"Nothing, just continue with your story." He said as he sat next to me on the
bed.

"Oh yeah! So then I was like, 'Stop staring at me!' Then the beer guy got mad
and we got into a biiiig fight and then I won and drank all the ale, mead, and beer.
Oh yeah and the milk." I rambled. *Hiccup*
"You milk drinker." Said the taller man now lying down in his bed.
"Whatever. Anyways, I'm tired now! Goodnight!" I said as I grabbed the
shorter man next to me and lied down. "Wait! Traci! Let go!" Exclaimed the guy in
an exasperated voice. "No! Snuggle with me!" I yelled in a pouty voice.
"God you're always like this when you're drunk." Said the guy.
"If you let me go I'll make you a new weapon."
"Any weapon?"
"Any weapon."
"Hmmm. Okay!" I said as I let him go. He left my bed and went back to his.
*Hiccup* "I want a new sword..."I whispered as I drifted off to sleep.