D wn the Drain

Our Special Christmas Edition!

Volume 3 Issue 11 Whole Number 35

December 2015

Santa makes emergency

landing of new Sleigh during
final pre-Christmas test flight!

5
INSIDE
THIS ISSUE

TALES FROM
SANTAS
WORKSHOP
YOULL LAUGH!
YOULL CRY!
YOULL NEVER BE
THE SAME!
CHRISTMAS

No injuries
reported!
Top secret, state
of the art Sleigh
sustains minor
damage
Will not be ready
for Christmas
ride
Investigation into
mishap continues
The North Pole
A Down the Drain
source deep inside Santas
ultra-secret Research and
Development Laboratories

reports that Santa was

forced to make an
emergency landing last
week when an ion
injection warning light
came on in the cockpit.
According to our source,
the new Sleigh Sleigh
is always capitalized
developed in conjunction
with the Defense Advance
Research Project Agency,
uses a mini-cold-fusion
propulsion system that
allows Santa to be in
several places at once in
order to make his
Christmas deliveries.
On board with Santa
during the test flight was
his longtime co-pilot,
chief navigator and head
engineer Bungo Bungee
Elfman.
The Sleigh experienced a
normal take-off and had
just achieved cruising

Plumbing and
Christmas
news from
around the
world

BRUSSELS

Plumbers in the Belgian

capitol have announced
they will begin carrying
three-meter pipe wrenches
on their persons at all
times so they might
whack terrorists on the
head whenever and
wherever we might find
them.
Belgian Minister of
Defense Steven Vandeput
responded by saying
plumbers are much too
valuable to our nation to
be confronting terrorists
directly, and should notify
the proper authorities if
they spot a suspicious
terrorist-like person.

YOUR EGGNOG THE

REAL DEAL? HOW
TO TELL! (AND
WHAT EXACTLY IS
NOG ANYWAY?)

PLUS
THE LIFE AND
TIMES OF FROSTY
THE SNOWMAN

immediately initiated
emergency shut-down
procedures, and Santa
returned the Sleigh and all
aboard to the North Pole
without serious mishap.
though a large patch of
black ice on the runway

A PEEK AT SANTAS
SECRET REINDEER
RANCH

ALL THIS AND

MORE! RIGHT
HERE! RIGHT NOW!
IN THIS MONTHS

(Continued on page 2)

To all of our friends and customers,

Pentagon Plumbing
sends our warmest holiday greetings
and our best wishes
for a prosperous new year!
Thank you for your friendship
and your patronage!

Belgian
plumbers
announce new antiterrorist initiative

IS THE NOG IN

(Note manual
shut off valve
A, safety ion
overflow
chamber B
and location
of muggle
gasket C)

speed and altitude when

the warning light came on
at .000002 seconds into
the flight somewhere over
Guatemala.
The warning light
indicated a problem with
the
number
two
propulsion reactor. Elfman

DECORATION TIPS
DIRECT FROM MRS.
CLAUS! AN
EXCLUSIVE FROM
DOWN THE DRAIN!

A miniature
cold fusion
reactor
similar to the
one powering
Santas new
Sleigh

EDITION OF DOWN
THE DRAIN!

But seriously, folks,

If youre looking for
fast, professional,
courteous service for
your plumbing needs
please give us a call.
Pentagon Plumbings
service technicians
are available 24
hours a day, seven
days a week, and
unlike some other
companies, theres no
extra charge for
those after hours and
weekend calls!

(702) 876-5969

$75 OFF

We do:

Labor on any plumbing repair!

The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!)
This coupon is valid only on future repairs and cannot be
used on prior charges. This coupon cannot be combined
with any other offers or discounts or promotions. This
coupon is not valid on calls for estimates or evaluations.
This coupon has no cash value. This coupon must be
presented at time of service. And finally (whew) only
one coupon per customer, please. This coupon expires
12-31-2015. Pentagon Plumbing NV License #58722.

Call today to
schedule an
appointment!

702-876-5969

(Continued on page 2)

Repair &
Replacements
Water Jetting
Insurance Work
Remodels
Electronic Leak
Detection
Sewer & Drain
Cleaning
Water Heaters
Repiping

And so much
more!
Like us!
Click on our
logo to go to
our website.
You know you
want to!

Twitter us!

Email us!

Pin us!

Yelp us!

Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
NV License #58722
Whaddya mean theres no rum in the rum punch? What kind of Christmas party is this anyway?

Call us today!
876-5969

Down the Drain, December 2015

Page 2

Adventures, letters,
A life in the
day of a
plumber
By CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber

Last
month: Chip
recognizes those present.
.
I was in a football fieldsized white room with a
domed ceiling and enough
mirrors and glass and
crystal chandeliers that the
light from it could
probably be seen from the
moon had there been any
windows, which, I noted,
there werent.
But there was Mrs.
Qwpbklrstni wearing her
mobile eye patch and
scowling at me, and next
to her on the oversized
white leather sofa was
Madam
Blovotsky
giggling and finger
waving at me. And what
kind of gathering of the
clan would be complete
without Vinnie Lumbago?
He was ensconced in a
huge white leather easy
chair.
Eh, eh, eh, he said to
me and smiled.
But rising from an even
larger chair it actually
looked like some kind of
throne was a very tall
and thin woman who
could have been Morticia
Adams. She wore what
looked like widows
weeds and had very long
and straight black hair.
Diamonds sparkled from
her ears and fingers and
from a pendant around her
neck. I wondered if she
had diamonds on her toes,
too, but it didnt seem
polite to look.
She came toward me,
hand extended.
Thank you for coming,
Mr. Carpenter, she said.
I am the Countess
Lumarchesi.
Durn, I thought to
myself. No Lamborghini.
Just a Lumarchesi.
Her voice was low and
husky.
Please, she said, Sit
down. She swept a hand
toward an empty chair.
Coffee?
S-s-sure, I stammered.
Thank you.
I made my way to the
indicated chair. It sat
opposite her throne. A
round, glass-topped coffee
table sat between us. It
wasnt as big as the
landing deck of an aircraft
carrier, but I thought
maybe in an emergency it
would do.
To my left were Mrs.
Qwpbklrstni and Madam
Blovotsky. Vinnie sat to
my right.
A butler, or some other
kind of factotum in livery,
materialized and poured
coffee for me.
I thanked him and took a
sip. It was very good
coffee, and it went down
well after my long drive in
the storm.
Eh, eh, eh, said
Vinnie.
I looked at the Countess
and waited.
To be continued...

advice and more!

Your opinion counts!

Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:
I, Schofield Skoof
Whiffletree, running for
the soon to be vacated
office of senator whatshis-name, want to wish all
my
family,
friends,
followers, supporters and
the staff of Down the
Drain a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year.
Remember!
Make
Nevada Great Again! Vote
Whiffletree!
Skoof Whiffletree,
Bunkerville, Nevada
To the Editor:
All of us in the Special
Task Force investigating
the vandalism of the

Down the Drain offices

just want to wish all of
you at Down the Drain a
very
special
holiday
season regardless of your
race, creed, color, place of
national origin or previous
condition of servitude.
We look forward to
seeing you at Oscars
again to bring you up to
date on the status of our
investigation.
Members of the
Special Task Force
investigating the
vandalism of your offices,
Las Vegas, Nevada
To the Editor:
Now that you

have

opened your new offices,

please be kind enough to
respond
to
the
undersigned with the
following information.
What are your hours of
operation?
Do you have staff or nonstaff who are in the offices
after hours, and, if so, how
many?
During
your
recent
renovations,
did
you
install any new security
equipment
such
as
cameras, door keypads or
biometric devices?
Thanking
you
in
advance, I remain
A Friend,
Washington, D.C.

Back by popular demand!

Dear Just Wondering,

This must be joke
question. You Americans
and your strange ideas of
funny. Ha, ha, ha!
Of course we celebrate
Christmas in Mother
Country. It is most holy
day here, unlike decadent
capitalist American
version of Christmas filled
with greed and profit and
silly Christmas songs you
now call holiday songs
because
you
fear
offending someone. In
Mother Country we dont
worry about offending
others.
And is important to
remember Christmas was
invented in Mother
Country, where St.
Nicholas, three wise men
and Uncle Vlad were all

born.
W e s u g g e s t yo u r
decadent
capitalist
American culture embrace
tradition of Orthodox
Mother Country Church
and remember true
meaning of Christmas.

Dear Barbie,
Uncle Vlad will not ha,
ha, ha your question
because everyone in world
knows how much citizens
of Mother Country love
little children, especially
girls who will grow up
and give Mother Country
many strong and brave
sons to defend her against
enemies.

Last year was simple

misunderstanding between
your Santa Claus and
Minister of High Defense
of Mother Country. A
flight plan not properly
filed maybe, or a form
misplaced. Who knows?
But situation was
peacefully resolved. Your
Santa was allowed to fly
through air space of
Mother Country with all
his decadent capitalist
baggage.
To avoid another such
misunderstanding,
Minister of High Defense
of Mother Country was
transferred to a very cold
place and is now in charge
of issuing socks to
enemies of Mother
Country in jail.
In Mother Country we do
not know what is iPhone.
Assistants tell Uncle Vlad
8-year-old little girl
should be given new
spade and hoe to plant and
cultivate beets instead of
whatever is this iPhone.

reviewing the sleighs data

recorders and analyzing
real time telemetry from
the flight.
A preliminary reports
suggests the number two
unit propulsion failure was
caused by a microscopic
high-pressure leak in a
muggle gasket located
between the so-called
waffle iron unicode
deciphering plate and the
turkey baster ion
injection unit, which, our
source tells us, was
actually invented by Mrs.
Claus in her kitchen when
her husbands engineers
ran into a cavitation
problem during the rinse
and spin pre-injection

cycle of the reactor caused

by a restricted flow in in
the ion injection unit.
Because of the tear-down
and complete inspection
required by the emergency
landing, the new Sleigh
will not be ready for
Christmas. The most
recent operational version
of the Sleigh will be used
instead and has already
been pre-flighted and
confirmed 100 per-cent
operational by Santas
engineers.
There will be no delay or
interruption in Santas
normal Christmas package
delivery routine, our
source assures us.

Dear Uncle Vlad,

Are you going to let
Santa fly over your
country this year to
deliver his Christmas
presents? I sure hope so. I
really want a new iPhone.
Barbie,
(8 years old)
Henderson, Nevada

Continued from page 1

Test flight mishap

apparently skewed one of
the nanocarbon runners on
the front of the sleigh
when the ALS system
over-corrected.
The
sleigh
was
immediately towed into its
hanger where the process
of tear-down and
inspection began,
After a thorough physical
examination by Santas
physician, and having
been pronounced in
perfect health with no
injuries sustained during
the emergency landing,
both Santa and Elfman
were released from the
hospital.
After a cup of hot cocoa,
Santa and Elfman began
Continued from page 1

Plumbing and Christmas news from around the world

Worlds largest ecofriendly Christmas
tree makes debut
POISON
OAK,
CALIFORNIA The
mayor of this small

snowbound northern
California
town
announced last week that
Poison Oak now has the
l a r ges t e c o - f ri en d l y
Christmas tree in the
world.

A special happy
birthday wish
goes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon Plumbing
to
Any of our
faithful readers
who happen to
have a birthday in
December
Ho, ho, ho!!
So go celebrate!
Yaaaaaay!

Ask Uncle Vlad!

Dear Uncle Vlad,
Do you cel ebra t e
C hri st m a s i n yo ur
country?
Just Wondering,
Henderson, Nevada

The Birthday
Box

Detractors have pointed

out, however, that the tree
appears to be nothing
more than a telephone
pole painted green and
hung with glow-in-thedark fairy lights

Investigation into
Down the Drain
offices vandalism
continues
By Marlow Archer
Crime Beat Reporter
A source deep inside the
Special Task Force
investigating the break-in
and vandalism of Down
the Drains offices has
confirmed that it is
currently looking at
several BYU frat boys
who were on a scavenger
hunt as part of their
initiation rites.
Members of the I Felta
Thigh frat house have
been
previously
investigated for similar
acts of vandalism, but
nothing has been proven
against them.
A copy of this years
scavenger hunt list,
however, contains several
items that could easily be
found in the offices of
Down
the
Drain,
including womans bikini
underwear (size XXX
large), a cigar butt longer
than three inches and any
version of a Frogger game
on a 5 1/4 or 3 1/2
floppy diskette.
A spokesperson for the
Special Task Force called
the scavenger hunt list
highl y suspicious,
adding that the list
certainly provides a
motive
for
the
unauthorized entry into
the offices of Down the
Drain and the subsequent
vandalism that occurred
therein.
We think the Frogger
game on the scavenger
hunt list is highly
suggestive,
the
spokesperson said, and
plan to ask the NSA for
any and all electronic
traffic in any form
whatsoever that references
a Frogger game.
The fraternity has denied
any involvement in the
break-in and vandalism
and says that all its
members, when sober,
have
been
fully
cooperating with the
police.

Down the Drain, December 2015

Page 3

The Really Important Stuff!

Down the Drain

Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
Deputy Editor-in-chief Reginald Phipps mum
Copy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere
Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag
Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al Gore
Assistant Fact Checker Brian Williams
Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale Princeton
Construction and Building Correspondent Roger Red Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer
Environmental Correspondent Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia Impasto
Food Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace (current whereabouts still unknown)
History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus
International Affairs Correspondent Mac The Knife Machiavelli
Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Assistant Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply, Jr.
Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke
Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd
Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly
National Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart
Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse Noel
Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna
Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye
Dog Whisperer Toto Baskerville
Office Manager Loosey Arnez
Receptionist Tiffany Whatevs
Fashion Advisor The Gaga
Relationship Advisor Taylor Swift
Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho Marx
In-House Therapist Lady Heather
Computer Services and Expertise by provided by The Gigglebits Computer Gals
Photo Editing provided by The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and Elwoods All-Purpose Glue
Rehabilitation Services provided by The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of Wickenburg, Arizona
Leftovers, munchies and midnight snacks provided by Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium
Jewelry by Jodie
Makeup by Gor-Don
Hair by Mr. Clean
Mani-pedis by The Cats Meow Veterinary Clinic
Bunny Slippers provided by Bunny Slippers for All (At Fashionable Malls Everywhere!)
Artwork provided by My Sisters Refrigerator: A Unique Boutique for the Elite
Musical Soundtrack by
Cyndi Lauper
Emilie Autumn
The Pretty Reckless
Hole
Strawberry Switchblade
Alison Sudol
and
Olivia dAbo

This space deliberately left blank for future use

Down the Drain

is owned, operated, managed, imagined, inspired, created, written, produced, published and copyrighted 2015 by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
However, permission is granted by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. to redistribute this newsletter at will with proper attribution.
For advertising rates, queries, submissions and, of course, service requests, call, write or email Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. using the contact
information below.
To unsubscribe to this newsletter, please send an email to: james@pentagonplumbingnv.com with the word unsubscribe in the subject line. Well
cry when we do it, but we promise well take you off our subscription list. No knock-knock jokes, please.
5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969
Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com