REVISION

DOCUMENT

Text from my initial WP

submission

DePieros Feedback

The change(s) I made to

what I initially wrote

How this change impacted

my paper

Every organization or
company requires artifacts
(written materials in this
case) to communicate in an
effective manner. These
artifacts are different
depending on what type of
organization it is, and the
content they choose to put
up.

This opening sentence isnt

really getting me excited to
read this paperget more
of a hook in here, Saud.

Effective communication
Reworked introduction to
within an organization or
grasp readers attention more
company and their clientele is effectively.
essential in determining its
success. Nowadays, this is
primarily achieved by
establishing a relevant,
comprehensive and clear set of
documentation that can be
easily understood by all
recipients.

Graff, Birkenstein, and Durst

(2012) mentioned
demonstrates why something
written should matter to the
reader. As an accountant
breaking down relevant news
most effectively becomes a
critical skill in
communicating with
customers or other coworkers. The who cares?
questions asks you to identify
an interested person or group,
the so what? questions asks
you to link your argument to

This is an important part of

the course readings, but
youre missing an
opportunity to connect it
back to the
artifacts/documents you
analyzed. Where in them
do you see Ali addresses the
so what? who cares?
questions.

In Graff, Birkenstein and

Dursts words (2012),
breaking down relevant
information effectively within
an invoice becomes a critical
skill in communicating with
customers, or even other coworkers outside of the finance
and accounting department.
The who cares? question
asks you to identify an
interested person or group,
[your audience], the so
what? question asks you to
link your argument to some

Additional comments
included to tie back the quote
to my argument.

some larger matter that

readers already deem
important (p.97).
Graff et al. (2012) talks about
how expressing a message
has to have a stopping point
at the right timing, If you
take it for granted that
readers will somehow intuit
the answer to so what? and
who cares? readers will
dismiss your text as
irrelevant and unimportant
(p.100).

Remember, theyre not

talking to you. Think
back to that lesson we had
on choosing precise verbs
that capture what youre
specifically referring to.
Instead of Dirk says, .

The invoice provides the

customer with information on
the services the company has
performed, the billing rate for
each service, and the total
due for all the work
performed.

OK, great, but how does this

relate back to your main
argument? Why are you
telling me this right now?
How can you use this to
convince me of something?

larger matter that readers

already deem important
(p.97), that is, in this case,
focusing on information that
matters to the customer.
As emphasized by Graff et al.
(2012), the safest move is to
be as explicit as possible; if
not, you run the risk that
readers will dismiss your text
as irrelevant and unimportant
(pg 100).

First, the invoice must include

information on the services the
company has performed, the
billing rate for each service,
the total due for all the work
performed, the payment due
date and any additional
important messages. This will
enable the company to
correctly process the order.
Additionally, the invoice must
be clear enough for the
customer to understand all
information, in order to avoid
any misunderstanding that
may complicate the

More precise verb used to

include quote in my
argument. Also, quote
revised so that it is more
relevant.

Idea developed to include

link to my main argument:
why it is important to include
all these elements in an
invoice.

The invoice provides the

customer with information on
the services the company has
performed, the billing rate for
each service, and the total
due for all the work
performed.

OK, great, but how does this

relate back to your main
argument? Why are you
telling me this right now?
How can you use this to
convince me of something?

Ali probably use these

complex terms when writing
emails to other colleagues
and executives, but he has to
remember to use different
language when
communicating with a
customer.

OK can you bring in any

textual evidence? You
havent specifically
referenced any of the
documents/artifacts that you
gathered. You need to
thats a fundamental
requirement for this project.

First, the invoice must include

information on the services the
company has performed, the
billing rate for each service,
the total due for all the work
performed, the payment due
date and any additional
important messages. This will
enable the company to
correctly process the order.
Additionally, the invoice must
be clear enough for the
customer to understand all
information, in order to avoid
any misunderstanding that
may complicate the
transaction.
They must use the precise
terms belonging to their field,
such as accruals, asset
turnover ratio, adjusted trial
balance, etc. (personal
communication, November
4th, 2015), to maximize their
efficiency and accuracy.

Idea developed to include

link to my main argument:
why it is important to include
all these elements in an
invoice.

This statement tells the story

of what your business owns
[assets] and what it owes
[liabilities] as of a given
moment in time.
Memos generally are used for
direct communication, e.g.,
between accountants and
clients or between
departments.

Brackets are only used to

modify a quote. Did you
intend to use parentheses
here?

From balance sheets that

Brackets corrected to
summarize what the business
parentheses.
owns (assets) and what it owes
(liabilities)

Transition issue: whats the

specific link between
sentence 1 and sentence 2?
Whatever that is,
considering putting it into
the start of sentence 2. (At
the end of sentence 1 is
another option.)

While more formal letter

formats are preferred when
communicating with clients,
suppliers, etc., memos are
most often used for direct
communication within the
office, between accountants
and between departments.

Terms taken from artifacts

provided by Ali to reinforce
my argument.

Location of memos
arguments relocated to the
beginning of the essay as
recommended by professor.
Transition revised to ensure
efficient flow of arguments.

 I usually try to be nice and

attend to his needs.
Sometimes I will try to
explain something and make
it as clear and understandable
to the customer as possible. If
I can do a refund I would. I
try to make sure the customer
remains happy. If the
customer continues to be
rude, I then forward the issue
to the manager and might
then decide to cut off the
customer. It
I interviewed Ali Chamas
(personal communication,
November 4, 2015) who
works at their employees at
the finance accounting
department.
his artifacts are being
portrayed in emails and
invoice.

This interview data is great.

Your next step is to find
traces of it in the
documents/artifacts that he
provided?

A perfect example of such an

exchange happened recently.
A company did not pay for the
services Local Market Launch
provided and completely
stopped all communication
with the finance and
accounting department. []
The customer then sent
Chamas a very harsh and
disrespectful email claiming
that he was unprofessional
and that he lacked the mental
capacity to work in his role
(email from customer to Ali,
July 16th, 2015).
This is only necessary when Ali Chamas, an employee in
you cite data that came from the finance and accounting
personal communication
department, introduced a
such as an email.
variety of written
communication

Quotes taken from emails

provided by Ali included to
illustrate my argument.

I dont want you to use

artifacts in this paper,
Saud. Its confusing your
focus. For instance, here,
emails and invoices ARE,
themselves, artifacts.

Term artifact removed to

clarify my focus.

a variety of written
communication, namely
emails, memos and invoices,

Unnecessary citation
removed.