ThisIsWhatHelps

Thisiswhathelpswhenyoursondiesasuicide.Takelongwalksatsunsetandthinkofallthe
waysthingscouldhavegoneworse.Sitinaroomfullofpeoplewhohavelostalovedoneto
suicideandutteraprayerofmercyforthenewonejustarrived.Walkawaybrisklyfromthe
womanwhosaysdontgrieveforgriefssake,afteryoursonhasnotyetbeeninthegrave
threemonths.Lettherebeaheavenwheregrandmasandgrandsonssitcomfortablysideby
side,peacefulandsmiling.Wrestlethequestionsuntilyoureexhaustedandthendropthem
onebyonelikepearlsfromabrokennecklace.Letgoofthetimespacecontinuumofdailylife
andliveontheedgesofthingsuntilyouhurtless.
ThemorningCorydied,IopenedmyeyestoseethebackofDrewswhitetshirtandsmelled
thesweetdriedsweatofhim.Abirdlandedonthewindowsillcastingashadowagainstthe
scrimoftheclosedshade.Isawtheportraitsofoursons,ZachandCorystandinghighonthe
dresser.WithoutseeingwhichphotowasCorys,IfeltreliefhewouldnotbedeployedtoIraq
again.Itwassheardumbluckthathisinjuryturnedouttobesuperficialaroguebullet
caughtthefleshypartofthebacksideofhiscalf.Herecovered,lyingonhisstomachmore
oftenthanhisbacktokeeppressureoffthewound.Whenthefourstargeneralcamethrough
withhisfistfullofpurplehearts,hewincedandsmiledwhilethemedalwaspinnedtohis
chest.
WhenCorycalledusfromBaghdad,Drewalwaysspokewithhimfirst.Itookmycuesfrom
thelookonDrewsface.Ifsomethingbadhadhappened,Ihadbeguntolearntobuckup,
swallowthelargelumprisingupfrommystomachandpreparetotalktomysonwiththeterm
IhadinventedformyselfBaghdadpsychology.Athome,wehadalwaysencouragedCory
toexpresshisfeelingsopenly.Hefoundthissodifficult,butIinsistedwithgentlenessthathe
neededtosaywhatwasonhismind.InBaghdad,Ihadtoacceptthenewrules,buckup.The
earlymorningwewokeupandlearnedthatCoryscompanyhadlostthreemen,Ispoke
carefully.
WhathappenedCory?
TheHumveeaheadofushitanIEDanditblewup.Myvehicleshooklikeithadbeenhittoo,
butithadnt.Weswervedtothesideoftheroadandgotoutwithourrifles,buttherewasno
onetheretoshoot,justasmokingHumveespatteredwithbloodandflesh.
Ilistenedforhisvoicetobreak.Areyoualright?Wereyouhurt?
Imfine,butmybuddiesareallgone.Ivolunteeredtocleanupthetruckjustcleanitup
thebloodinsideaftertheirbodieswereremoved.
Thatmusthavebeenawful,Cory.Iswallowedhard.
Ihadtodoit,Mom.ItwasallthatwasleftofthemandIwantedthemtoknowIcared.Iput
thepiecesinabag.

DrewgotbackonthephoneandinsistedCorystaystrongandcomebacktous.Iwalkedtothe
bathroomandswitchedbacktoAmericanpsychologyandletmetearsflow.Mysonwasina
battletosurviveandIhatedBaghdadpsychology.Coryseemedtobeemotionallygaspingfor
airthatday.IfeltdeterminedthatIwouldwillhimthroughthisfromtheothersideofthe
world.
Drewstirredandkissedmycheek,aroutinesignalthatmeanthewassteelinghimselftorise
andstartthecoffeepotwhileIhadanotherhalfhourofsleep.ThismorningIdidntfallback
tosleep.Mymindwasunusuallyalert,poisedwithaquestionIcouldntgetat.Ilistenedasthe
coffeeperkedinthekitchendownstairsandknewDrewwasreadingthepaperatthekitchen
table.Whenthephoneringsearly,itisusuallyDrewsconstructioncrewneedinginstruction
onwhatmaterialstopickupfortheday.ThismorningIhadthesensethesoundoftheringing
phonewouldchangeeverything.IfeltastabbingfearwhenIheardthetoneofDrewsvoice
downstairs.
IcouldfeelmylipsparttospeaktoDrewatthebedroomdoor,thecoolmorningairflowingall
thewaydownintomylungs.ButIwassilent.Hesatdownonthebedandputtheweightofhis
headinhishandsandsaidItsCory.Coryhasshothimself.Whywasmyfirstreactionto
run?Ihadbeenapeaceloving,meditatingvegetarianforyearsandthoughttherewouldbe
someequanimityforsuchamoment.ButIranwithmyhandcoveringmymouthasthoughI
wastryingtocatchsomethingcomingupfrommystomach.Inthebathroom,Icoveredmy
facewithatowelbutnothingcameout.Icouldnotbreath.JustasIhadcoaxedmyselfto
breathduringthecontractionsatCorysbirth,Inowheardmyself,saybreathbreath.
Ithought,ImustgotoCoryandpickhimupandsetthingsrightasIhadalwaysdonewhenhe
wasaboy.Icouldfetchhimwhenhecried,standinginhiscribwithhisfatkneesandrumpled
cribhairandasaggingdiaper.Hiscryingwouldceaseandhewouldbreakintoasmile,tears
stillwetonhischeeks.Afalltothegroundwassoeasilyfixedbypromptlyploppinghimback
onhissolidlegsandsmilingintohiseyestoeasethescareinhim.Ilovedthesemomentsof
powertoeasehispain.ThisiswhatImustdo.Imustpickupthepieces.Iracedbacktothe
bedroom.
Hesalright,though.Hesbeenshot,buthesalright?
Coryisdead,Cate.WeneedtogohelpNadia.IdontknowhowDrewsummonedthe
couragetoforcethesewordsout.Ihatedhimforsayingthosewords.Eachonesounded
profaneasthoughasilkdrapeintheairhadbeenrippedwide.IgaspedandDrewcaughthold
ofme.
Iremembersolittleabouttherestofthatmorning.HowdidIgetdressed?DidIbrushmy
teeth,combmyhair,makethebed,shutoffthecoffeepot?Somethingtookoverinside;
somethingnumbedmesothatIcouldgetinthecarwithDrewanddrivetothehomeCory
sharedwithhiswife,Nadia.MyexcitementtoseeCorywaspalpable.Thiskeptmesanein
thatfirsthour.
Twentyfiveyearsago,IwasgracedbysomequirkoffatetohavefoundDrew.Iwasnewly,
messilydivorced.Ifeltcrushed,wounded,castasidelikeIoughttoseekoutadingytrailer
parkandhideoutwithmybabyson.Corywasnotyetayearoldandhisfathershowedlittle

interestinarelationshipwithhim.Ifeltthispainacutelyformysonandimaginedbuildinga
brickfortressaroundhim.Iwouldbehissafety.ThenImetDrewwhohadason,Zach,justa
yearolderthanCory.Drewwasacharmingteaseandhemademelaughinthemidstofmy
emotionalsqualor.Mylaughterkindledhope.Oursonsplayedwithtrucksandplasticsoldiers
whilewecoachedthemtoshare.WhenIhadseenDrewinallfourseasons,Ibegantofeel
softer,lessguarded.OfcourseImarriedhim.Ourblendedfamilyfitmelikeaglove.
ZachandCoryweregoodcomplimentstooneanother.Zachwascocky,handsomeand
dominatingandIworriedthathisswaggerwouldgethimintrouble.Corywasreserved,quiet
andsometimessullen.Iwasneversothankfulforhislovelyaverageness.Hisdarkhair
accentuatedearsthatstuckoutandIhopedhewouldnevergetthempinnedback.Hissmile
wascrooked,asthoughhewasbegrudgingyouthechancetoseeit.Itcharmedmeendlessly
andIknewsomedaysomeonewouldmeltwhenhislipturnedupononeside.Ayearbehind
hisbrotherinschool,CorycaughtthemilitarybugfromZach.HewantedtojointheArmy.
Zachhadjoinedthemarinesandstartedtrainingtobeapilotrightafterhighschool.
IwasnotpoliticalbynatureandourcountryhadntcomenearawarsinceDesertStorm,butI
chafedatthethoughtofbecomingamilitaryfamily.Ipicturedstripmallrecruitingcentersand
muscularofficersloiteringaroundvulnerableboysandgirlsandIresentedtheirpowerover
Cory.IdesperatelywantedtogivehimhisautonomyandworriedincessantlythatIhadnot
preparedhimwellenough.IpleadedwithhisfathertodissuadehimfromtheArmy.The
thoughtofanarmedconflictcameominouslycloserafter9/11.Iwatchedthemilitary
recruitmentprocessrevintogear,hungryforbothmysons.Ibeganthentogrievethedistance
betweenCoryandIbecauseIcouldnotfeignenthusiasmforthemilitary.
SittinginCoryandNadiasdriveway,Isummonedthecouragetoaskthequestions.Where
hadCoryshothimself?WouldIseehisblood?WouldIseehisbody?Iputonestepinfrontof
anotherandfollowedDrewtothedoor.Nadiasawuscoming,openedthedoorandcollapsed
inheavingsobswhenweclosedinaroundher.Iletthehorriblesoundsinmybodycomeforth
smotheredintheshouldersofmyhusbandandmysweet,youngdaughterinlaw.Giving
comforttoNadiakeptmesaneinthatsecondhour.Wewerebothhollowasdriedreeds,
lookingforawaytogetthroughthenextmoments.
How,Nadia?Where?
Herwordstumbledoutlikespilledwater.Mostofthemarelostinmymemorynow,butI
remembertheparamedicdeclaredthetimeofdeathinthegarageat6:52AMandhadtakenhis
body.Thenexthourwasfilledwithfracturedactivity.PoliceatthedoorDrewtakingthem
tothegarageNadiaandIhuddledtogetherinthekitchenbreathingwaiting.Theofficer
sayingweneededtoclaimhisbodyaskingforastatementfromNadiahearingCoryisan
IraqiveteranpolicemustnotifytheArmy.IsaytoDrewthatIwillnotseeCorysbody.
DrewwillgoNadiawillgoIwillstayherephonecallstomakeLookforwordsto
sayfinallywritingthemdownsoIcanreadthemasIpickupthephone.
Whenwemovedintoournewhouse,wemadetwolargebedroomsforZachandCoryinthe
basement.Drewsconstructioncompanycreatedtwobedroomsandabathroomforourteenage
boyswhowerelessandlessinterestedinwhatwentonintherestofthehouse.EachtimeCory
camehome,Iwatchedhimswingthroughthebackdoorandstompdownthebasementstairs

asIholleredhello.SometimesIstoodatthetopandcalleddownsaying,youforgottosay
hello.Ifelttornbetweeninsistingheshowamodicumofsociabilityandgivinghimhis
privacy.Iworriedaboutwhathewasdoingbyhimselfinthebasement;whathewasthinking.
Drewwasnotaspatient.Onenight,Coryswungthroughthebackdooranddownthesteps.
Drewgotupfromthedinnertable,redfaceandsteamingandwentafterhim.FromupstairsI
heardtheirencounter.ThefirstthingIheardwasDrewgrabhimbodilybeforehereachedhis
bedroomdoor.
Cory,Ineedtoknowwhatsgoingonwithyou.Justtellmehowyouare,man.
Idontknowwhatyouwantfromme.
Wevegotallthetimeintheworld.Ijustwanttohearwhatsgoingoninyourlife.Imnot
thebadguyhere.Imtheonewholovesyou.Imnotleavinguntilyoutalktome.
Forthebetterpartofthreehours,CoryfinallytalkedtoDrew.Welearnedhefearedhecould
neverbeasgoodasZach.Welearnedthathehadafesteringcrushonagirlayearolderthan
hewhowasbouncingbackandforthbetweenpromisestoCoryandpromisestohercollege
boyfriend.Welearnedhewasangryathisfather,ThomandthatheresentedthewayThom
appearedonlyatthetimeswhentherewasabigoccasioninCoryslife.
Ifinallymusteredthecouragetoinitiateaconversationabouthisfather.
Cory,areyoucuriousaboutyourfather?Doyouwanttoknowwhathappenedbetweenhe
andI?
No.Heseemsprettyhappywithhisnewfamilyandkids.
Yourehischildtoo.
Heseemstohaveforgottenaboutthat.
YourfatherhadtofindawaytomoveforwardandcreateanewfamilyjustlikeIdidwith
DrewandyouandZach.Buthestilllovesyou.YourestillhissonandIknowhesproudof
you.
Itriedsohardtosaythesethingswithconviction,butIburnedwithangerwhenIremembered
myphonecallstoCorysfatheraskinghimtospendtimewithCory.Theseturnedintobitter
argumentsandIfinallyquittrying.
SittingaloneinCoryandNadiashome,myfirstthoughtwasthatImustcallThom.Itfeltlike
sheerduty,butIthoughtthisfirstcallwithmyscriptbelongedtoThom.Hiswifeansweredthe
phoneandsheheardtheshockinmyvoiceknewIwouldntevercalltheirhomeunlessit
wasaboutCory.
Thom,Coryhasdiedthismorning.Heshothimselfinthegarage.Atthatmomentallofmy
hopesandwishesforCorycollidedwithmyangeratThomsneglectandIeruptedinheaving

sobs.Someonedescribeddeathasagreatequalizer.Intheyearsittooktonurtureour
resentments,ittookonlythismomentforforgivenesstopassbetweenThomandI.Ourmutual
mistakes,ouryearsofrecriminationsbecametransparentanduselessandThomssilent,
helplesscriesbroughtasurprisingsenseofrelief.Iexpectedthiscalltobelikeareminderto
attendCorysgraduationorhisweddingreception.Therewerenomoreopportunitiestosee
ourson.Nowwewerewideopentothequestionsthatparentstorturethemselveswith.What
didIdowrong?WhydidntIseethiscoming?WhydidntCoryreachouttoanyofus?
ThequestionsbecameanobsessionforDrewafterthefuneral.Neitherofusreturnedtowork
thatfirstweek.TheMondayafterCorysdeath,Drewsatonthebedandsaid,Ihavefailed
ourson.IfeellikeIamafailure.AtorrentofquestionsgushedoutofhimandIbegantosee
thathewantedtosolvethispuzzleinhismind,ifonlytorestoreabitofcontrol.Inaworld
whereCorycandiecompletelywithoutwarning,howcanweknowthatZachwillbesafe?
WhyhadntCoryshownanyunusualsignsofdepression?Whydidnthecalluswhenhefelt
desperate?Washeusingsomedrugthatweknewnothingabout?Whydidhechoosesucha
violentwaytodie?Ifwehadseenthemfordinnerthatevening,couldthishavebeen
prevented?Idodgedmyhusbandsquestionsasthoughtheywerebulletscomingstraightfor
me.IcarriedadeepsensethatIhadnotcaredformysonproperlyandthathisdeathwasmy
fault.IwashorrifiedthatDrewsquestionswouldimplicatemeandIwouldcomefullface
withthesensethatIwasresponsibleforCorysdeath.
Iwasobsessedwiththebadluckoftiming.IfIhadcalledNadiaandCorythatnight,surelyI
wouldhavepickedupthesenseofdespairinmysonsvoice.Howisitthatonebulletcould
piercestraightthroughthecalfofhislegandhecouldbefine,butanothershottohisprecious,
belovedheadcouldnever,everbefixed.Ipicturedmyselfpickingupbitsofbrainandskull
andpushingthembackintoplace,surethatIcouldhavefixedsomethinghadIbeencloseat
hand.Thatimagewasfollowedcloselybythesmellofhisheadasababy,hiswarmthagainst
mybodyinhislittlesleeper.IbegantoimaginethatNadiawasinattentiveandIcriedbecause
IwassoangryatherwhileIknewhowdeeplywoundedshewas.
Drewbeganporingoverwebsitesonposttraumaticstressdisorderinveteransofarmed
combat.IsawCorythedayhereturnedfromthehospitalinGermanyandhereactedwith
someofhischaracteristicdetachment.Heseemedtowanttostaysufficientlyremovedfrom
meandatthesametime,Iknewhewasgladtoseeme.Washesparingustheagonyofwhat
hehadseeninIraq?Weknewthedayhehadbeenshotthattwoofhisclosefriendshadbeen
killed.ItwasoneofthebetterannouncementscomingoutofIraqthatdayonlytwo
Americandeaths.ButIwasfranticwhenIgotthecallfromCoryfromtheGreenZoneER.He
hadbeenshot,buthewasokay.Weknewhehadseenhorrificthingsthathefounddifficultto
describetous.
IfeltthatCorywastoosilentforhisowngoodandIwantedhimtoletgoofBaghdad
psychologyandbegintoopenuptous.Heputusoff;heputoffNadiaandwesawhimisolate
himselfforlonghoursinhisroom.IwassorelievedthatwhenNadiaannouncedthatCory
wouldbegintrainingforanewjobthenightbeforehedied.
Howlongisamotheramother?Howlongdoesamothercarrydeathinherheart?Alitanyof
questionswerespinninginsidewhentheArmyrecruitergotoutofhiscarwithachaplainthat
seconddayafterCorysdeath.Ilettheminknowingthisscriptwasdifferentthantheonesthey

hadtomakemostoften.WordsofcomfortquestionsregardingthestateofCorysmental
healthonhisreturnfromthehospitalinGermanydetailsaboutmilitaryprotocolata
funeralImetthisrecruiteratCorysinductionintotheArmyasIstoodproudofmyson
withhisclosecropped,darkhairandhisbrandnewgreenuniform.Ithoughtforamomentof
ravingabouttheidiocyofwarandofhavingamilitary,butIwasfilledwithempathyforthem.
TheywerewretchedlyuncomfortableandIdidntpressurethemtostayanylongerthan
necessary.Whentheyleft,Iwishedthemwell.IcriedwhenIsawtheircarrollawaybecause
theywouldnotbeback.TheyheldalittlepartofCorythatIhadnoaccesstoandIwanted
themtocomebackandhelpmefindmyson.
Iwonderediftheirsonswereinthemilitary.Ifeltsingledoutforlossandforthefirsttime,I
wantedtorageatourgovernment.Iprayedthepresidentwouldnotcometoourcityandseek
anopportunitytovisitmilitaryfamiliesbecauseIwouldscreamathimandIwouldlookawful
andcrazyandIwouldntcareiftheyputmeaway.WhatwouldheknowoftheuniquepainI
feltaftergettingmysonbackinhisownhomeonlytolosehimagainbyhisownhand?
Coryhasbeengonenowforninemonthsandfourdays.IaskedDrewtoturnourdigitalclock
awayfrommeafterhegotupsoIwouldnthavetoseethenumbers6:52clickintoplaceasI
lieinbed.InthemomentswhileIambetweensleepandwakefulness,IimaginethatCoryis
justinjuredandrecoveringinGermany.WhenIcometowakefulness,mystomachbeginsto
churnandIwillmyselftopictureCoryinheavenholdingmygrandmashandandshetellsme
sheistakingcareofhimandhesmilesacrookedsmileatme.
ThismorningIdreamtIgotinmycaranddrovetoCoryandNadiashousefilledwiththe
anticipationofseeingCory.Helookedatmethroughthefrontdoorwindowwithhishalfsmile
andopenedthedoor.Therewerenoquestions.Therewasnodrama,justthesimplejoyof
knowingweweregoingdrivingtogether.Hegrabbedhiskhakijacketandwegotinmycar
andsatwhileIdrovethestreetsofourneighborhood.Wewerecontenttositandcomment
aboutthenewhousesbeingbuilt,thenewfamilymovingin,thetidbitsoffamilynews.There
wasnohurry,noworryaboutendings.Coryturnedtomeandspokeclearly,Ihavetogoback
now.IunderstoodthathemeanthehadtogobacktotheplacewhereIhadbeenmissinghim
formonthsnow.Ididnotprotest.Iwasatpeace.Hewasgoingonhisownterms.Idroveback
tothecemeterywhereweinterredhisashesninemonthsago.Corygotoutofthecarandcame
tomywindowandreachedintohugme.Thenheturnedandwalkedbackacrossthegreen
grass,thecoolnessofthewindrumplinghiskhakijacket.Iwokeandwithcleardeliberation
turnedtheclockbacktofaceme.Coryhasbeengonenowninemonths,fourdaysandone
minute.
StephenB.Starr