Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Collection of Jokes and Trivia Vol.2
Collection of Jokes and Trivia Vol.2
Vol-2
By Alok Kumar
ISBN NO:
C All rights reserved.
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or
otherwise be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the
publishers prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that
in which it is publish and without limiting the rights under copyright reserved
above.
No part of this Publication maybe reproduced or transmitted by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any
information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the
publisher.
The information contained in this book has been solely provided by author and
due care has been taken to ensure that the same is correct. However the
publisher accepts no responsibility for the authenticity, accuracy or
completeness of such information.
Published by:
English Edition Publishers and Distributors (India)Pvt Ltd.
Main Office: 5/10, 11,105 Jogani Industrial Complex,
V.N. Purav Marg, (Near ATI) Chunabhatti,Mumbai - 400 022
Tel: 2527 4464, 2524 3531, 5595 2261/62 Fax: 2523 3158
Email: english_edition@hotmail.com
City Office: 404, Ravi Building (Next to Central Camera),
189/191 D.N. Road, Fort, Mumbai - 400 001
Tel: 2261 81 54, 2263 2504, 5636 4196
Bangalore Showroom: Church Gate, 35 Church Street,
Opp. Java City, Bangalore - 560 001
Tel: (080) 2506 6121/22, 2532 5282
Fax: 2532 5283.
Designed by
Email
:
:
Printed by
Studio g
studiog@toolpathgroup.com
Author's Note
A group of my friends have been exchanging jokes over email
over more than two years. The largest contributor to this joke
inventory is my senior colleague and a close friend of mine
Col. AK Diwakar. The compilation therefore has been named
after him The Colonel's Book of Jokes & trivia.
Inspiration of getting these jokes printed came to me when I
used to get tired working and used to browse the jokes sent by
my friend to have a laugh and get back to work. It came to my
mind, as to why not share this with the rest of the world and
make everyone laugh.
Colonel Diwakar did not only make us laugh but also made us
sit-up and think on many topics which never came to our
mind. A poem of an unborn girl child and a write-up on
mother even made us cry. Some tools to find out what we are
and some inputs on general knowledge were a good mix of
enjoyment which I received from him.
I am not sure as to where Colonel Sahib was getting all these
jokes and trivia from, but one thing I am sure is that we all
enjoyed every bit of everything he send, when we read them
for the first time and every time thereafter.
Alok Kumar
Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under
it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh
uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with
you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could
possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed & shit in the soup!'
Hold Me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating
up. But then the wife stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you
to hold me.''
The husband says, ''WHAT??'' The wife explains that he must not be in
tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that
nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then
they go to the Jewellry Department where she gets a set of diamond
earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped
out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The
husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then
let's get it.''
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on.
She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.'' The husband
says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.''
The wife's face goes blank. ''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while.'
A Definite Definition
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a
new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its
meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it.
She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure
of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes
the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and
pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy,
and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not
definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.
dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable
hostbody.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!
Piss Drunk
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and
orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender
over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his
false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the
bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can
bite my other eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man
has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his
false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over
another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he
drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the
bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer
money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the
bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The
man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses
all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and
laughs uproarously.
"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won
and more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could
piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.
Prisoner of War
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he
stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more
question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?
10
Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym
has a girlfriend.
11
12
10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd
jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on
horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the "public ugliness" ordinance.
14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
15. Garbage would take itself out.
16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only occur in leap years.
19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
21. But it would be celebrated every month.
22. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice
to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
23. Two words: Ally McNaked.
24. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative payper-view event in world history.
25. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and
13
Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She
held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
14
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this
rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
How much for a season pass?
Airline A-Hole
During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight
was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
15
An Old Fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in
a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways
in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her
and straighten her up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes
on all morning.
16
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her
new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they
ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.
17
18
and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all
went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the
chair!
19
20
"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.
Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with
over six million dollars.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this
may not have happened."
And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.
The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he
was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping
around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking
place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in
custody.
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
21
22
23
24
25
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
26
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Women's English
Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by
now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
27
Heavenly Reward
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met
them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here.
But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of
questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have
to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine
what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven
because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
28
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied,
"I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was
during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to
drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was
married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated
my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to
drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the
guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see
what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he terribly
said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the
postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they
decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to God, which read:
29
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed
that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C.
and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Metaphysical Downsizing
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers
when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure
there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes
before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come
out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, What is your first wish? The
government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, I
would like to be rich! So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the
man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even
Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie
didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, My second
wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and
obeying my every command! And poof, he was there.
Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -decided on his third wish, I don't want to do any work ever again!
and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.
30
31
Then the thief got his question: How many died on the Titanic?
The thief replied, That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie.
The answer is 1500 people. And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: Name them.
32
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a
name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm
just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''
He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out
of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black
Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I
thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I
noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on
33
34
35
Parrot Talk
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The
store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot
36
Hollywood Lessons
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
37
38
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
39
Life's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but
anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where
she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
40
41
Tech Glossary
42
43
44
45
your own.
46
47
48
make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit around
waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the
back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho
and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out there's trying to steal
you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is
and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to
have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and
play all sorts of ball; it's more fun than dealing with women after all. I
won't cry if you say it's not going to work; I won't remain bitter and call
you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure; I won't assume
it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of
child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my
gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm
thankful it's true; I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser,
beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I
won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at
parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet
seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt
buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around readjusting my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a
notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm
so glad I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It
doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you
49
can't see three inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave
with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a
few hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you know - I've got
far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have
these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and
shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't
tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my
pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and
weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old
penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks; join
the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance
and I'm thankful, it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like
you!
50
51
wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy
Birthday and there on the couch I sat... Naked.
The Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, I know the whole truth -- even when you don't know
anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother
quickly hands him $20 and says, Just don't tell your father.
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know
the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and
says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.
52
Well, my son is doing very well, says the fourth man, He's a male
stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a
million-dollar home.
53
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?
Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf.
54
55
Johnny Again
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he
always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that
she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send
Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie
so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours
early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I
caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and
freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
56
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains
the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He
says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when
I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see
a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs.
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the
bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear
and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you
think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear
this week."
Prescription
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some
arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She replies. "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with
another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.
57
James Bond
James Bond dies and starts for heaven. His secretary badly wants to
find out if he safely reached there. So, she calls up heaven.
A sweet female voice picked up and said: "This is Virgin Mary
speaking".
"Damn it", the secretary said and hung up.
She calls again after 10 minutes. The same voice: "This is Virgin Mary
speaking".
"Damn it. He hasn't reached yet", the secretary said and hung up again.
She calls again after 10 minutes. This time the voice said: "This is Mary
speaking".
"Thank you!! Take proper care of him", she said and hung up.
58
Sardarji Could Not Understand Why His Sister Had Two Brothers
and he Had only one...
Bolo Tarara..
***********************
An Old Couple Is On A Walk, When A Pigeon Flies By And deposits
a little Poop On The Woman's Head.
"Yech!" Says The Woman. "Get Some Toilet Paper.
"What For? He (Pigeon) Must Be Half-A-Mile Away By Now.".
***********************
Santa Singh : Sorry I Am Late, I Got Stuck In An Elevator For 4
Hrs, because Of A Power Failure.
Banta Singh : That's All Right, Me Too. I Got Stuck On The Escalator For
3 Hrs.
***********************
A Sardar is Standing Below The Tube Light With An Open Mouth..
WHY ?
GUESS..
Because Doctor Has Advised Him "Aaj Light Hi Khana
Bolo Tarara.
***********************
Question:
"What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband
and BIN LADEN?
Answer: "BOTH CAN NOT BE FOUND
"Smile is a curve that makes lot of things straight"....So make that
curve now..
59
60
A gay found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped
out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
61
As you wish," the genie replied. So, the genie turned him into a toilet
seat...
Body Language
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one
hand; the driver holds up two hands.
Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were
all about.
The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a
bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if
the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.
Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm,
and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she
left the bus?"
The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"
62
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went
around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of
women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women
(with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and
send the rest back.
WOODWORK CLASS
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was
surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom.
Her name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the
woodwork shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was
sure she was in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.
The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league.
Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?"
the shop teacher asked.
Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't
rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'.
How the Internet got started
May be a re-run...
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone
pulpit and says . . .
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did
take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had
63
64
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service
that reflects what we are".
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.
Indian Nursery Rhymes
Laloo Bhai bihari
Went up the pahari
To fetch a bail for court order
Laloo fell down
And lost his crown
But Rabri reigned thereafter.
________________________________
Laxman laxman
Yes pappa
Eating money
No pappa
Telling lies
No pappa
Open yr drawer
Ha ha ha
________________________________
Samata party is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
Samata party is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
My fair jaitley (jaya)
________________________________
65
66
Interview
One young man went for an IAS Interview.
"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He
replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?
"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be a
injustice to another." He replied.
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly
only after seeing the report" He replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful
answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they
were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was
asked.
He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him.
"At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.
Then it was the turn of this Sardar.
When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board
member asked him. "By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in
1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your
fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one it
will be injustice to another"
The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what?"
67
Final Commandments
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and
lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one, The trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
68
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical
and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife
treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Definition of tragedy
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the
middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word 'tragedy'.
69
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One
little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is
playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and
kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'No, says Bush, 'that would be an
accident
A little girl raises her hand 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'' 'I'm afraid
not,' explains the President, 'that's what we would call 'a great loss''.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches
the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?'
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says, 'If Air Force One, carrying you, Mr. President, were
struck by a 'friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would
be a 'tragedy'.
'Fantastic!' exclaims Bush. 'That's right, and can you tell me why that
would be a 'tragedy'?
Well,' says the boy, 'because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it
probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either.
Broken
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought
70
71
1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even
US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird)
2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To
be given a thought)
3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd)
4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that
stuff? (Very good thinking)
5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who knows)
6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)
7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when
dogs just sit around all day?
8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
(God knows)
9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell)
10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes)
11. What does OK actually mean? (Don't know)
12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I
will stay and watch)
13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed)
14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)
15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)
16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would
they remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help)
17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can)
72
73
sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
Tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But
not as great as Guam!)
Survey
Last month, the U.N. worldwide conducted a survey. The only
question asked was "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to
the food shortage in the rest of the world?
The survey was a HUGE failure.
In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
74
75
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a mis
understanding.
You see if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up
with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would
have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
2 or 4 lanes?!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
76
77
At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of
the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
Dear banta,
Vahe Guru !!! I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well
there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read
fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we
moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar
who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new
house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place is really
nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above
the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled
the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first
time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you
wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut
78
them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job.
He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By
the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really
badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in
this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove? Your
sister had a baby this morning.
I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether
you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well.
Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and
drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best
friend, Balwinder, is no more.
He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to
be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process
of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time.
Nothing much has happened.
P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Your Mummy
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to
have sex during her pregnancy.
He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normalstyle, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and
during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.
79
80
81
82
Life at hell
Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 75 and 80
years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking
about cricket, like they do every day.
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in
heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's
cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons
by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly
responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's
ghost.
Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the
good news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in
heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough
to ruin that!?"
Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening batsmen on
Friday.
Sale in America
A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two
eggs, orange juice, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good,"
the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
83
84
85
be?
What Lancelot chose is below, BUT ... make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his
question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.
Now ... what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..
1) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get
ugly.
2) There is witch in every woman not matter how beautiful she is!
Don's style
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you
goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a
couple of bambino. Somma day you goina coma home and maybe
finda your wife in bed with another man.
What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, TIME'S UP?"
86
87
Why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road?
To Cheack if he is going to work or Coming Back.
***********************
Sharab Aisi Bimari Hai Jo Pure Samaj Ko Kharab Kar Deit Hai!!
To Aao Milkar Is Bimari Ko Khatam Kare
Ek Bottle Hum Khatam Kare, Aur Ek Bottle Tum!!
***********************
Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho,
Khuda Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho,
Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai,
Tum Ghayal Kar Jati Ho!!!
***********************
What is the similarity between Mobile & Marriage?
Thode Din Aur Ruk Jata To Thoda Acha Model Mil Jaata!!
A young son came running to his Daddy and asked, "Daddy, Daddy,
how was I born?"
Your Mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Your Dad, set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber caf.
We sneaked into a private room, and then your mom stuck dad's
memory stick into her USB port for downloading your file. An excited
Dad could not refuse went on to fully upload.
It was discovered that neither one of them had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the
blessed virus appeared.
And we have you my dear!
88
Dear friends,
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with his colleagues.
Question: is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since
there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume
of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all
hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
89
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
So, which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan during my freshman year, that " . . . it will be a cold day in hell
before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in having relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true
and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
This student received the only "A" given.
Actual ads on a matrimony site - TOO FUNNY !!!
Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have
Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am
not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u
welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my
resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~
I want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa
state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other
homework
(Homework?)
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever.
She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the
entire life can run smoothly. thank you
(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
She should be good looking and should have a service. She Should
have one brother and one sister. She should be educated.
(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
90
91
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be
someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this
she would bde called the lady of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
I love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love
the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering
from "Ok-syndrome")
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS
OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK
MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
(the "ok syndrome" again)
I am pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and
fater&mother sister complity marred
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married
'completely'?)
I am very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and
parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original
resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
My name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! J )
92
Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she
havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey.
IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are
beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but
my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam
''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.
(uttama purushan)
iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i
divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other
caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
(Zebra..???)
Im looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot
should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable
(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I
93
wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)
I would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure.
because girl is the mahalakshmi.
(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which
not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
It is a repeat stuff, still .........
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
94
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
95
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is big show-off parties (yeech!).
96
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya( U.P. Wala) is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
97
98
too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again he-man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he
paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your family's
attorney. I was instructed to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain:
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
So next time when u go for an interview be prepared for this
question....
99
Story I
E: Do you have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my
Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls
just because of u.
Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This
Personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!
Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
100
101
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't
even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But, there is no position in his company.
E: Then, what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will
affect your managers' working spirits.
C: But, I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in
you!!
Lessons of Logic
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
.........................................................................
Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?
.........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
.........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
.........................................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.........................................................................
102
103
more you forget the more you forget, the less you know So Why
learn.
.........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say...
104
105
Go through the mail below and find out if you are having the right
dosage of the medicine as prescribed by the doctor.
PROPER DOSAGE OF VIAGARA
WITH A NEW GIRL FRIEND - NO NEED
WITH A OLD GIRL FRIEND - HALF A TABLET
WITH MISTRESS
- ONE TABLET
Interesting
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club
after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
106
107
Where is GOD?????
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having
Exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried
one last
approach: she took them to
the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was
admitted into the stern minister's study.
Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few
moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man,
where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part
way out of his chair and repeated
the
question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with
dread .... this was no
ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk,
the impassioned
preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy
leaped from his chair and bolted out the
door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's
the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD
and they're BLAMING
US!"
108
Yo u s h o u l d b e s u re t h e p e r s o n i s S a rd a r w h e n h e :
Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
Gets stabbed in a shoot-out
Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it
Tries to drown a fish in waters
Thinks socialism means partying
Trips over a cordless phone
Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius."
Studies for a blood test and fails
Sells the car for gas money
Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns
around and goes home
Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor
What a kid
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asks,will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine? "Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says,
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
109
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd
love everyone a lot and then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore.
"Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our
Marines could blow his ass to Kingdom Come."
110
Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday. Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either
Leroy was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked
very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt
and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his
room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper
and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND
111
THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
A sardarni in New York went to a worldwide message centre to send a
message to her mother in India.
The phirangi guy told her it would cost $100 she exclaimed, "I don't
have that kind of money! But I would do anything to make a call to my
mother in Punjab-India!
The man arched an eyebrow and asked: "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!" promises the sardarni. With that, the man said, "Follow
me", walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the
door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees."
She did.
Then he said, "Unzip me." She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it
with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well...go
ahead damn it!
The Sardarni slowly brought her lips closer, and screamed loudly,
"Hello...MUMMYJEE????
112
113
Second boy: "Myself peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath
tub"
Teacher now got surprised and said " Gooodd. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next"
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub "
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next"
This continues, and the last boy stands up : "I'm Henry, and my hobby is
to see bubbles in the bath tub "
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you
ingrown boys for long. Any way, now the girls please"
First girl: "I'm July and my hobby is to see birds".
Teacher: "Gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok next"
Second: "I'm ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher: "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl
... Yes you"
The most beautiful girl of the class:
Mam, my name is Bubbles, and my hobby is to take bath three times a
day.
FUNNY!??????
114
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair
in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me.
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential
choice the same question.
"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one.
Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you
answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!
Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to
speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to
that riddle.
It's Colin Powell.
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!
MAY GOD BE WITH US ALL DURING THIS ELECTION.
115
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now
considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the
news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
10 Weddings
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new
116
117
118
119
120
Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT
MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.
In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT
MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU
121
Some Trivia
124
Challenges
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to
Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese
population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The
farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the
return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The
Japanese did not like the taste.
To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their
boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers
allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese
could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not
like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.
So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish
and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little hashing around, the
fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive.
Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because
the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The
Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.
So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do
they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan?
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put
125
the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The
shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.
The fish are challenged.
As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you
might lose your passion. You don't need to work so hard so you relax.
Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was
observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging
environment.
The Benefits of a Challenge
The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you
enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are the correct size, and if
you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy. You
think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new
solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
Recommendations
Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of
them. Enjoy the game.
If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up.
Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more
determination, more knowledge, more help.
Don't create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities
to make a difference.
Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!
126
Four Parables
Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.,"
"Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings? They're packed
with nutrients, " said the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted
by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze
and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
127
happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him
out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut!
Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went
along, some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was
walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the
critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he
makes that little boy walk, " They decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to
walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the
donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying how
awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said
they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they
crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the
river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your asset.
When you work with love, you bind yourself to yourself and to one
another...
Work is love made visible. And if cannot work with love but only with
distances, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate
of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. (Kahlil Gibran)
128
The Donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
iteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off
and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone
was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step
up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4 Give more.
129
5. Expect less
NOW -------Enough of that crap .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always
comes back to bite you.
After Sept. 11th, one company invited the remaining members of
other companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin
Towers to share their available office space. At a morning meeting, the
head of security told stories of why these people were alive... and all
the stories were just: The 'L I T T L E' things.
As you might know, the head of the company got in late that day
because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an
auto accident.
One of them missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.
One's car wouldn't start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should
have.
One couldn't get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes
130
that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got
there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to
buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.
Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a
ringing telephone. All the little things that annoy me, I think to myself,
this is exactly where God wants me to be! at this very moment.
The next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are
slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every
traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over
you.
May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and
may you remember their possible purpose.
God Bless.
Must Read......
This mail was sent by a software official working for Cognizant.
......... and we say that we are hardworking. Working 16 Hrs a day, work
with our brains and minds, we deserve the high pay package etc...
Sitting in the AC , typing abcd, complaining about the canteen food
RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!!!
..... ........................
Vivek Pradhan wasn't a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the
First Class air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi Express
couldn't cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and
entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to
reason with the admin guy, it was the savings in time. A PM had so
many things to do! He opened his case and took out the laptop,
determined to put the time to some good use.
"Are you from the software industry sir," the man beside him was
131
132
"Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway
reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket
between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized
booking centers across the country. Thousands of transactions
accessing a single database at a given time; concurrency, data
integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in
designing and coding such a system?" The man was stuck with
amazement, like a child at a planetarium. This was something big and
beyond his imagination. "You design and code such things."
"I used to," Vivek paused for effect, "But now I am the project manager,"
"Oh!" sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, "so your life is
easy now."
It was like being told the fire was better than the frying pan. The man
had to be given a feel of the heat. "Oh come on, does life ever get easy
as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work. Design
and coding! That is the easier part. Now I don't do it, but I am
responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is to
get the work done in time and with the highest quality. And to tell you
about the pressures! There is the customer at one end always changing
his requirements, the user wanting something else and your boss
always expecting you to have finished it yesterday."
Vivek paused in his diatribe, his belligerence fading with selfrealisation. What he had said was not merely the outburst of a
wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while
defending the truth. "My friend," he concluded triumphantly, "you
don't know what it is to be in the line of fire."
The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When
he spoke after sometime, it was with a calm certainty that surprised
Vivek.
133
"I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire," He was staring
blankly as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time.
"There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in
the cover of the night. The enemy was firing from the top. There was
no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for
whom. In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolor at the top
only 4 of us were alive."
"You are a..."
"I am Subedar Sushant Singh from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak
4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for
a land assignment. But tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it
makes life easier. On the dawn of that capture one of my colleagues
lay injured in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding
behind a bunker. It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But
my captain refused me permission and went ahead himself. He said
that the first pledge he had taken as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the
safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and
welfare of the men he commanded. His own personal safety came last,
always and every time. He was killed as he shielded that soldier into
the bunker. Every morning now as I stand guard I can see him taking
all those bullets, which were actually meant for me. I know sir, I know
what it is to be in the line of fire."
Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of his reply. Abruptly he
switched off the laptop. It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a word
document in the presence of a man for whom valor and duty was a
daily part of life; a valor and sense of duty which he had so far
attributed only to epical heroes. The train slowed down as it pulled
into the station and Subedar Sushant Singh picked up his bags to
alight. "It was nice meeting you sir."
134
Vivek fumbled with the handshake. This was the hand that had
climbed mountains, pressed the trigger and hoisted the tricolor.
Suddenly as if by impulse he stood at attention, and his right hand
went up in an impromptu salute. It was the least he felt he could do for
the country.
PS: The incident he narrates during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true
life incident during the Kargil war. Major Vikram Batra sacrificed his
life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was
within sight. For this and his various other acts of bravery he was
posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra - the nation's highest
military award
Using resources
Madan Mohan Malviya was trying to build a good university; he had to
overcome many difficulties and barriers. He worked with
determination to start the university. There was a funds crisis; but he
did not get disheartened. He went from town to town, met many rich
people and traders to collect donations. He went to the Nizam of
Hyderabad to request him for funds.
The Nizam was furious, 'How dare you come to me for funds... that too
for a Hindu university?' he roared with anger and took off his footwear
and flung it at Malviya. Malviya picked up the footwear and left
silently. He came directly to the market place and began to auction the
footwear. As it was the Nizam's footwear, many came forward to buy it.
The price went up.
When Nizam heard of this, he became uneasy. He thought it would be
an insult if his footwear were to be bought by someone for a pittance.
So he sent one of his attendants with the instruction, 'Buy that
footwear no matter what the bidding price be!' Thus, Malviya
135
managed to sell the Nizam's own footwear to him, for a huge amount.
He used that money to build the Benares Hindu University.
Moral: It is not what you have, but how you use your resource that
makes a difference in your life.
God's Boxes
I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold.
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
and all your joys in the gold.
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
both my joys and sorrows I stored,
but though the gold became heavier each day,
the black was as light as before.
With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
and I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
which my sorrows had fallen out by.
I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me.
I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
the black is for you to let go.
Author unknown
136
Interesting origins
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was
either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington
showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back
while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by
painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but
by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs,"
therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the __expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
**********
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quartsized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers
and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and
remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in
"quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."
**********
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and
was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the
chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest,
who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a
meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They
called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business,
we use the _ex-pression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the
Board."
Blue Moons That Are (and Blue Moons That Aren't)
As any budding astronomer can tell you, a "blue moon" is the second
full moon in a calendar month. It isn't really blue. It's just a name. But
137
138
139
140
141
I just did!!!
Truisms
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very
exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
Scratch a dog or rub a cat and you'll find a permanent job.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM.
... It could be a right number.
Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their
team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs
This mail should be read in the parliament for the information of
all the politicians.
142
143
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed!!
Author Unknown
Life in US -> A true story written by an NRI ......... Read when free .........
its really heart touching
ONE BEDROOM FLAT... AN NRI ENGINEER'S DIARY...
As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in software
Engineer and joined a company based in USA, the land of braves and
opportunity.
When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream had come true. Here at
last I was in the place where I wanted to be. I decided I would be
staying in this country for about Five years in which time I would have
earned enough money to settle down in India.
My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the
only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.
I wanted to do some thing more than him. I started feeling homesick
and lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my
parents every week using cheap international phone cards.
Two years passed, two years of Burgers at McDonald's and pizzas and
discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy
whenever the Rupee value went down. Finally I decided to get
married. Told my parents that I have only 10 days of holidays and
everything must be done within these 10 days.
I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was
actually enjoying shopping for gifts for all my relatives and friends
back home.
If I miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spent
home one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the
144
time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate. In-laws
told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in 2-3 days, as
I will not get any more holidays soon and they cannot wait for long.
After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some
money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, we
(I was lucky and managed to get the visa of my wife early) returned to
USA.
My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she
started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice
in a week sometimes 3 times a week, as she also has to call her parents.
Our savings started diminishing.
After two more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy
and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to my
parents, they asked me to come to India so that they can see their
grand-children.
Every year I decide to go to India. But part work, part monetary
conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting India was a distant
dream.
Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously
sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and was stuck up in the
procedures and thus could not go to India. The next message I got was
my parents were passed away and as there was no one to do the last
rites the society members had done whatever they could. I was
depressed. My parents passed away without seeing their grand
children.
After couple more years passed away, much to my children' dislike
and my wife's joy we returned to India to settle down.
I started to look for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings
were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years.
145
I had to return to the USA. My wife refused to come back with me and
my children who refused to stay in India.
My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be
back for good after two years.
Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an
American and my son was happy living in USA. I decided that enough
is enough and wound-up everything and returned to India.
I had just enough money to buy a decent Two-bed room flat in a welldeveloped locality. Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of
the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby place of worship. My
faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode.
Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even after
staying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the same,
nothing more.
I lost my parents and children for just one extra bedroom.
Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. This
damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children
are losing their values and culture because of it.
I get occasional cards from my children asking I am alright. Well at
least they remember me. Now perhaps after I die it will be the
neighbors again who will be performing my last rites, God Bless them.
But the question still remains 'was all this worth it?'
I am still searching for an answer................
25 differences in thinking between the Middle Class and the World
Class:
1. The Middle Class competes . . . the World Class creates.
2. The Middle Class avoids risk . . . the World Class manages risk.
3. The Middle Class lives in delusion . . . the World Class lives in
146
objective reality.
4. The Middle Class loves to be comfortable . . . the World Class is
comfortable being uncomfortable.
5. The Middle Class has a lottery mentality . . . the World Class has an
abundance mentality.
6. The Middle Class hungers for security . . . the World Class doesn't
believe that security exists.
7. The Middle Class sacrifices growth for safety . . . the World Class
sacrifices safety for growth.
8. The Middle Class operates out of fear and scarcity . . . the World Class
operates from love and abundance.
9. The Middle Class focuses on having . . . the World Class focuses on
being.
10. The Middle Class sees themselves as victims . . . the World Class sees
themselves as responsible.
11. The Middle Class slows down . . . the World Class calms down.
12. The Middle Class is frustrated . . . the World Class is grateful.
13. The Middle Class has pipedreams . . . the World Class has vision.
14. The Middle Class is ego-driven . . . the World Class is spirit driven.
15. The Middle Class is problem oriented . . . the World Class is solution
oriented.
16. The Middle Class thinks they know enough . . . the World Class is
eager to learn.
17. The Middle Class chooses fear . . . the World Class chooses growth.
18. The Middle Class is boastful . . . the World Class is humble.
19. The Middle Class trades time for money . . . the World Class trades
ideas for money.
20. The Middle Class denies their intuition . . . the World Class embraces
their intuition.
147
21. The Middle Class seeks riches . . . the World Class seeks wealth.
22. The Middle Class believes their vision only when they see it . . . the
World Class knows they will see their vision when they believe it.
23. The Middle Class coaches through logic . . . the World Class coaches
through emotion.
24. The Middle Class speaks the language of fear . . . the World Class
speaks the language of love.
25. The Middle Class believes problem solving stems from knowledge .
. . the World Class believes problem solving stems from will.
Clarity of thoughts:
A professor challenged his students with this question. "Did God create
everything that exists?"
A student answered bravely, "Yes, he did".
The professor then asked, "If God created everything, then he created
evil too. Since evil exists (as noticed by our own actions), so God is evil.
The student couldn't respond to that statement. The professor
concluded that he had 'proved' that 'belief in God' was a fairy tale, and
therefore worthless.
Another student raised his hand and asked the professor, "Sir, may I
pose a question?
"Of course," answered the professor.
The young student stood up and asked: "Sir, does cold exist?
The professor answered, "What kind of a question is that? Of course
the cold exists... haven't you ever been cold?
The young student answered, "In fact sir, cold does not exist.
According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold, in fact, is the
absence of heat. Anything can be studied as long as it transmits energy
(heat).
148
Absolute zero is the total absence of heat, but cold does not exist. What
we have done is create a term to describe how we feel if we don't have
body heat or we are not hot.
"And, does dark exist?" he continued.
The professor answered, "Of course, it does.
The student responded, "Let us review that, Sir. Darkness does not exist
either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be
studied, darkness cannot. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple
ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the
light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to
describe what happens when there's lack of light.
Finally, the student asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?
The professor replied, "Of course it exists, as I mentioned at the
beginning, we see crimes and violence all over the world, and those
things are evil.
The student responded, "Sir, evil does not exist either. Just as in the
previous cases, evil is a term which man has created to describe the
result of the absence of God's presence in the hearts of man.
The professor bowed down his head, and didn't answer back. The
student was Albert Einstein.
What your 'Birth' month means
JANUARY
* Ambitious and serious
* Loves to teach and be taught
* Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses
* Likes to criticize
* Hardworking and productive
* Smart, neat and organized
149
150
151
152
153
* Active mind
* Hesitating
* Tends to delay
* Choosy and always wants the best
* Temperamental
* Funny and humorous
* Loves to joke
* Good debating skills
* Talkative
* Daydreamer
* Friendly
* Knows how to make friends
* Abiding
* Able to show character
* Easily hurt
* Prone to getting colds
* Loves to dress up
* Easily bored
* Fussy
* Seldom show emotions
* Takes time to recover when hurt
* Brand conscious
* Executive
* Stubborn
* Those who loves me are enemies
* Those who hates me are friends
JULY
* Fun to be with
* Secretive
154
155
* Likes to be quiet
* Homely person
* Waits for friends
* Never looks for friends
* Not aggressive unless provoked
* Prone to having stomach and dieting problems
* Loves to be loved
* Easily hurt but takes long to recover
* Overly concerned
* Puts in effort in work
AUGUST
* Loves to joke
* Attractive
* Suave and caring
* Brave and fearless
* Firm and has leadership qualities
* Knows how to console others
* Too generous and egoistic
* Takes high pride of oneself
* Thirsty for praises
* Extra ordinary spirit
* Easily angered
* Angry when provoked
* Easily jealous
* Observant
* Careful and cautious
* Thinks quickly
* Independent thoughts
* Loves to lead and to be led
156
* Loves to dream
* Talented in the arts, music and defense
* Sensitive but not petty
* Poor resistance against illnesses
* Learns to relax
* Hasty and rushy
* Romantic
* Loving and caring
* Loves to make friends
SEPTEMBER
* Suave and compromising
* Careful, cautious and organized
* Likes to point out people's mistakes
* Likes to criticize
* Quiet but able to talk well
* Calm and cool
* Kind and sympathetic
* Concerned and detailed
* Trustworthy, loyal and honest
* Does work well
* Sensitive
* Thinking
* Good memory
* Clever and knowledgeable
* Loves to look for information
* Must control oneself when criticizing
* Able to motivate oneself
* Understanding
* Secretive
157
158
159
Loves to be alone
* Thinks differently from others
* Sharp-minded
* Motivates oneself
* Does not appreciates praises
* High-spirited
* Well-built and tough
* Deep love and emotions
* Romantic
* Uncertain in relationships
* Homely
* Hardworking
* High abilities
* Trustworthy
* Honest and keeps secrets
* Not able to control emotions
* Unpredictable
DECEMBER
* Loyal and generous
* Patriotic
* Active in games and interactions
* Impatient and hasty
* Ambitious
* Influential in organizations
* Fun to be with
* Loves to socialize
* Loves praises
* Loves attention
* Loves to be loved
160
161
>>
>>GOD HOLDS UR HAND ALWAYS AND NEVER LETS U GO
Subject: Future Life
Guess...this gonna be our 22nd century life.
Our communication - Wireless
Our business
- Cashless
Our telephone
- Cordless
Our cooking
- Fireless
Our youth
- Jobless
Our religion
- Creedless
Our food
- Fatless
Our faith
- Godless
Our labour
- Effortless
Our conduct
- Worthless
Our relation
- Loveless
Our attitude
- Careless
Our feelings
- Heartless
Our politics
- Shameless
Our education
- Valueless
Our Follies
Our arguments
- Countless
- Baseless
- Voiceless
Our life
- Meaningless
162
163
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of
the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but
was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, CocaCola, and Budweiser, in that order.
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the
left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its
eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111
gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat
your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
164
165
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might
not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr.
Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street
level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful
because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that
he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was
so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife
and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They
both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it
was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of
Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his
father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
166
167
168
For your own Unlimited Reading and FREE eBooks today, visit:
http://www.Free-eBooks.net
Share this eBook with anyone and everyone automatically by selecting any of the
options below:
COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
Free-eBooks.net respects the intellectual property of others. When a book's copyright owner submits their work to Free-eBooks.net, they are granting us permission to distribute such material. Unless
otherwise stated in this book, this permission is not passed onto others. As such, redistributing this book without the copyright owner's permission can constitute copyright infringement. If you
believe that your work has been used in a manner that constitutes copyright infringement, please follow our Notice and Procedure for Making Claims of Copyright Infringement as seen in our Terms
of Service here:
http://www.free-ebooks.net/tos.html