Laughing In The Dark

By

Joe Schwartz

And

Brian Oliver

Joe Schwartz/Brian Oliver

1733 Canary Dr.
High Ridge, MO 63049
(636) 376-8852
jls5228@yahoo.com
 WGA# 1267167 - 10, April, 2008

INT. - CAR - NIGHT

MARK sits in the backseat of a car as it rolls down the street. Lights of oncoming
cars illuminate him as he stares blank out the rear driver's side window. His best-
friend JAKE and his wife SARAH talk to him through the rear view mirror.

WE SEE ALL THREE THROUGH THE FRONT WINDSHIELD.

JAKE
You did real good tonight. Wouldn't
say so Sarah?

SARAH
Oh yes, absolutely! I think it went
really well.

MARK
Nobody laughed.

SARAH
I wouldn't say that...necessarily.

JAKE
Yeah, it was more a silent laughter.

MARK
What?

JAKE
Your humor is more cerebral than
funny. It is very intelligent and not
everybody is smart enough to get it.

SARAH
That's true. Sometimes I didn't really
understand the punchline, but I laughed
anyway. I wish I was smart enough to
understand them all.

JAKE
Me too. I mean hell Mark, you've got
to be one of the funniest guys I know
and not just saying that 'cause you're
my brother.

SARAH
Without a doubt. Very funny.
 MARK
I suck.

JAKE SARAH
That's ridiculous. Don't say that.

SARAH and JAKE continue talking, but MARK can no longer hear what they
are saying.

INTENSE CAR LIGHTS WASH OVER MARK. HIS FACE IS ALMOST

WASHED OUT FROM THE BRIGHTNESS. CLANKING GLASS REPLACES
JAKE AND SARAH’S VOICES. VARIOUS VOICES TALKING IN MIXED
VOLUMES.

INT. - COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

The light decreases in intensity revealing bright stage lights and a microphone.
The lights prevent us from seeing anything but a darkened room and silhouettes
of a few people sitting at tables.

MARK
How's..everybody doing today..er.uh I
mean tonight?

O.C. MAN #1
Tell a joke or get off!

MARK
Um..OK. There was a guy..this guy
and he died.

O.C. WOMAN #1
Where's the other guy? Now he was
funny.

MARK
This guy he dies and he comes to..um
well he's driven over to the
mortuary..no I mean the funeral parlor.

O.C. WOMAN #1
Well which is it? A morgue or a
funeral home?

MARK
A funeral home, definitely a funeral
home.

O.C. MAN #2
You Suck!

MARK
Well this guy..he's dying..um no I
mean he's deceased and this guy, this
man he is being driven to a funeral
parlor-
 O.C. WOMAN #2
You're the one who's dying!

Laughter for the heckler is now heard throughout the darkness. MARK is now
extremely uneasy. His rhythm is now destroyed and impossible to recover.

CUT TO:

A COCKTAIL WAITRESS standing at the bar waiting for drinks. She shakes
her head in disapproval of MARK's terrible performance. Picking up her tray of
drinks, we follow seeing the club, the audience and MARK through the filter of
the full glasses.

MARK
The driver says to the mortician-

O.C. WOMAN #2
Get off the stage already!

O.C. MAN #1
This shit is worse than Karaoke!

The sound of boos begin and overwhelm the room. The COCKTAIL
WAITRESS is walking towards the kitchen door with the empties she has
gathered. Pushing on the swing door, the crowd noise is instantly silenced.

INT. - PREP. ROOM - DAY

MARK is standing facing three metal tables upon which rest fully dressed and
prepared decedents. He is using a stainless steel IV holder as a pretend
microphone.

MARK
So the driver says to the mortician,
"Crickey you'll never believe the size
of the cock on this Smith guy. The
mortician and the driver take the guy
downstairs and the mortician can't
believe his eyes. This Smith guy has
got the biggest dick he has ever seen.

MARK indicates the penis length with a chopping motion into the crook of his
elbow.

MARK
Big as a mule. The mortician thinking,
"Hey I could probably make a nice
piece of change for this thing", cuts the
thing off and takes it home. Excited as
hell, he yells for his wife to come and
see this. Curious about the enormous
package under his arm she says,"What
is it?" Whipping the gigantic dick out
of its wrapper, his wife screams, "Oh
my God! Smith is dead."
MARK begins to make fake applause, holding up his free hand as if trying to
contain an over-exuberant crowd. A man enters the room through a door marked
"SUPPLY CLOSET". He is dressed in a crisp, white Nehru jacket and matching
headdress. This is FUHNKAR.

FUHNKAR
Tsk-tsk. Always playing.

MARK
Ladies and gentlemen, his funkiness,
the Dali lama who ate your momma,
the funkilicious...Fuhnkar.

MARK makes more fake applause while intimating exaggerated bowing motions
toward FUHNKAR.

FUHNKAR
Ooo..ha-ha. You and your American
humor. Your jokes makes my ears wish
they were deaf.

EXT. - PARKING LOT - DAY

A man is standing next to an expensive, well polished sports car. He is tall, thin
and in every way as expensive as the vehicle. Jerking the bottom of his custom
made suit coat and adjusting the perfect knot of his silk tie, he looks into the
reflection of his car and smiles. His teeth are perfect and dazzling. The grin is
reminiscent of the cat that has just ate the canary. This is DANNY DIMPLE.

INT. - DIMPLE & SONS FUNERAL HOME - DAY

DANNY glides through the double doors of the entrance. He walks ramrod
straight, aloof, looking down his nose at everything that is not him. Reading the
registry, he realizes all rooms are in use and his cheshire grin returns.

DANNY DIMPLE
Money, money, mon-ey.

DANNY claps his hands together, rubbing them vigorously. A large and very
expensive signet style ring adorns his right ring finger.

DANNY DIMPLE
Where is Anthony?

INT. - ROOM A - DAY

Assembled in Room A are several dark clad mourners and one closed casket. The
casket is adorned with flowers and wreaths on stands. We move through the
crowd in first person p.o.v. overhearing ANTHONY DIMPLE consoling a very
YOUNG WOMAN in a most subtle manner.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
My dear, you must feel so troubled at a
time such as this. Whatever you do,
you mustn’t deny yourself this time to
 grieve. To mourn the passing of your
uncle.

YOUNG WOMAN
You mean my aunt?

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Yes, yes of course your aunt. How
stupid of me. These feeling of sadness,
how they confuse me so.

We now stop and see ANTHONY and the YOUNG WOMAN very close, knee-
to-knee, holding hands, faces merely inches away sitting on a very small but
elegant sofa. ANTHONY is as impeccably dressed as well and movie star
handsome.

YOUNG WOMAN
You poor man. This business of grief
and sadness must be so hard.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
It is, I can't deny it but I can take
pleasure in alleviating the discomfort
of it all for others...in any way

Their intertwined hands have moved between their chests. ANTHONY is using
the surreptitious moment to cop a feel of the YOUNG WOMAN's ample left
breast. She doesn't stop him and holds his hand steady in its place. Their chins
are now almost touching and if not for the current situation, they would make-
out.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
for those who need...to release...their-

YOUNG WOMAN
Their...their...

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Inner sorrow. To let it all out in a
cascade, a flood. Giving them in
privacy what they yearn for always.

YOUNG WOMAN
Yes..

ANTHONY DIMPLE
To whimper-

YOUNG WOMAN
Yes..

ANTHONY DIMPLE
To moan-

ANTHONY has now moved his mouth to be able to directly speak in the
YOUNG WOMAN's ear.
 ANTHONY DIMPLE
To bewail, sob-

YOUNG WOMAN
Yes..yes

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Crying out to all the world.

YOUNG WOMAN
YES!

CUT TO:

DANNY standing, still smiling and shaking his head in disbelief at his brother.
Adjusting his ring, his smile turns bitter.

DANNY DIMPLE
Anthony!

CUT TO:

ANTHONY startled by his brother's voice, hops up as if hit by an electric

current. The eroticism of his voice changes over to an almost formal style. He
continues to hold the YOUNG WOMAN's hand but in a two palmed
noncommittal handshake, not intimate as before.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
As I was saying Miss, the best thing at
a time like this is to seek counseling
from a qualified professional.

ANTHONY smiles politely, pats her hand and turns towards DANNY. They exit
Room A quick. Several of the others mourners stare on in disgust as the YOUNG
WOMAN pants heavy, eyes closed and fanning herself with a funeral card. She
slides half prone down on the sofa, oblivious of her short dress sliding up. O.C.
gasps and soft giggles are heard.

INT. - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

ANTHONY and DANNY are alone as they walk at a quick pace down a warmly
lit, plush hallway.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Nice cock-block asshole.

DANNY DIMPLE
You've seen more ass than a toilet seat.
One less won't hurt. I'm sure you'll
make it up.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
So what the hell is so important
anyway?
 DANNY DIMPLE
Daddy wants to see us.
All of us.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
This is such bullshit.

DANNY DIMPLE
It usually is.

INT. - STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUS

The brothers rapidly descend the stairs.

THE BROTHERS SHINY, BLACK SHOES COMING DOWNSTAIRS

Everything is gray. Steps, walls, banisters. The light even seems to turn gray.
They stop outside of a pair of swing doors with small port hole-like windows.
Through the windows we can see FUHNKAR and MARK talking.

INT. - PREP. ROOM - DAY

FUHNKAR and MARK are preparing a decedent for display. FUHNKAR is

applying the make-up while MARK is putting on the shoes.

FUHNKAR
Would you look at this?

MARK continues to struggle with the decedent’s shoes.

FUHNKAR
The things I am expected to do is
nothing short of extracting a pearl from
a dunghill.

MARK is now audibly grunting and puffing with putting on the shoes.

FUHNKAR
Grandfather was the meanest son of a
bitch to ever live but he better look
peaceful as a sleeping child.

MARK has suddenly gotten the left shoe on. Composing himself slightly, he
begins the ritual again with the right.

FUHNKAR
Mother was a shut-in whose paper thin,
leopard spotted hide hadn't made
contact with direct sunlight in twenty
years. Make sure she has rosy cheeks
and skin without so much as a blemish

MARK is twisting and grunting, so close to putting on the shoe.

FUHNKAR
In my country we have a saying. An
 honorable life is far greater than a
dishonorable death.

MARK has finally squeezed on the other shoe. He sits back and sighs deep.

FUHNKAR
Well done. Now may I ask you a
question?

MARK
Huh? Oh, yeah sure.

FUHNKAR
In the next life will Mr. Smith be
walking everywhere backwards?

MARK
Wh..what?

FUHNKAR
The shoes.

MARK looks dumbly to the feet then with no idea back to FUHNKAR.

FUHNKAR
They are on the wrong feet.

MARK
Oh shit!

CUT TO:

DANNY and ANTHONY DIMPLE burst through the swinging doors.

DANNY DIMPLE
Daddy wants to see you.
Now.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Yeah. Move your ass.

CUT TO:

MARK still staring at the decedent's wrongly shoed feet, dazed.

MARK
Oh shit.

INT. - HALLWAY - DAY

DANNY DIMPLE and ANTHONY DIMPLE walk with MARK down a plain
hallway. Their arms are interlocked with MARK in the middle. The DIMPLE
brothers hold their heads up focused, intent on where they are going. MARK
keeping in step so as not to be dragged, stares vacant towards the floor. They all
stop before a white door with a gold and black metal sign its only adornment.
DANNY DIMPLE opens the door and they all enter single file into the OFFICE.
INT. - OUTER OFFICE - DAY

The two DIMPLE brothers stop before a battleship gray steel desk, standing
together just as they had been walking down the hallway. Even though there is
ample room to move about, the DIMPLE brothers stay close as if at any moment
he might escape. MARK simply continues to stare downward at the desk and the
two ledger books that appear to have exact same dates, but radically different
figures.

Chubby, ink stained fingers enter one last figure. Slamming the books shut
simultaneously, a man looks up forcing eye contact with MARK. He is balding
with a overt underbite that can not be disguised. His suit is cheap, old and
wrinkled. Hair that may actually once been lush is rapidly thinning, greasy and
styled in a comb-over that stands in radical contradiction to the puffy mutton
chop sideburns that only serve to make him look even fatter. This is RICHIE
DIMPLE.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Where in the fuck have you been?
Time is money.

DANNY DIMPLE
Relax Dick.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Can you read this moron?

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Not this shit again.

RICHIE DIMPLE
What does it say?

DANNY DIMPLE
Richie Dimple.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Excellent. Now, do you know what
else it says?

DANNY DIMPLE
What!

RICHIE DIMPLE
It says that fucking with me might
make Daddy forget to make the
payment on that fire engine colored
phallic symbol you call a car.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Whatever.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Watch it smart-ass. You might be the
grieving widow's best pal downstairs,
 but up here you're a headache.
Bills for hotels, motels, OBGYN's,
DNA testing, attorneys, psychiatrists,
not to mention the half dozen checks
sent out anonymously every year to
women who suddenly re-located at our
expense. The way you keep screwing
around we can be the first funeral
home in history with a daycare.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Fuck you.

DANNY and ANTHONY DIMPLE chuckle at the inside joke. RICHIE DIMPLE
sneers at being bested by such a childish prank.

An intercom/phone system BEEPS on the desk. RICHIE DIMPLE pushes a

button and picks up the phone.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Yes Daddy.

DADDY DIMPLE
Is Mark here yet?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Yes Daddy.

DADDY DIMPLE
Well...send him in.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Yes Daddy.
I damn near forgot about you were here
loser. You're always so quiet. Why
Daddy even bothers with you, I'll never
know.

MARK walks away from the group. DANNY and ANTHONY DIMPLE stare
intent towards his back. RICHIE DIMPLE lights a cigarette, talking into his
exhale of smoke.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Being quiet is good thing Mark.
Understand?

Pausing at a dark wooden door, MARK places his hand on the high polished
brass knob while simultaneously resting his forehead against the door.

MARK
Yeah
Dick.

MARK quickly enters through the door as DANNY and ANTHONY DIMPLE
snicker.
INT. - DADDY'S OFFICE - DAY

MARK sits engulfed in a oversized chair. DADDY DIMPLE a cherub looking

sexagenarian sits behind a desk, the only other furniture in the room.

DADDY DIMPLE
How was your birthday?

CUT TO:

MARK standing on stage, eyes darting, sweating profusely. His P.O.V. spins out
of control like a planet hurling out of orbit.

INT. - DADDY'S OFFICE - CONT.

MARK
Good. It was..good.

DADDY DIMPLE
That's wonderful. I can remember so
many of yours and the boys. Ahh..what
fond memories.

CUT TO:

EXT. - DAY - 1970'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

The DIMPLE BROTHERS in a perspective of 11 years old to 7 STANDING

shoulder to shoulder. They are all holding their hands behind their back.

DIMPLE BROTHERS
Hey Maggot!

A little boy of 8 years old, wearing a party hat and a brilliant yellow polyester
suit turns around. He is smiling from ear to ear, ecstatic to be turning a year
older.

The DIMPLE BROTHERS act just as they spoke. The smallest, DANNY
DIMPLE slings a squishy, wet mud-pie that splatters against the pristine suit.
ANTHONY DIMPLE throws a balloon bomb filled with relish, mayonnaise and
ketchup that explodes on top of MARK's head, soaking him.

Looking forward toward the brothers, confused and about to cry, all that can be
seen of MARK's once unsoiled self is his face.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Aw...The baby gonna cry. Don't cry
baby.

RICHIE DIMPLE reveals from behind his back a large piece of MARK's own
birthday cake. Rushing forward RICHIE DIMPLE smashes the cake, deliberately
twisting and turning for maximum effect into MARK's face.

DADDY DIMPLE
Boys!
A pair of legs and the bottom half of DADDY DIMPLE's torso come into view
standing between the DIMPLE BROTHERS and MARK. The DIMPLE
BROTHERS stare up angelic at their father. DADDY DIMPLE's hand
gesticulates while he talks.

DADDY DIMPLE
What is the meaning of all this? You
apologize this instant!

DIMPLE BROTHERS
Sorry Daddy.
Sorry Mark.

DANNY DIMPLE sticks out his tongue. ANTHONY DIMPLE skewers his face
in mock crying. RICHIE DIMPLE holds one hand over the other, trying to
secretly give the finger.

DADDY DIMPLE
Now that's more like it.

MARK is standing almost emotionless. Only the whites of his eyes can be seen
in stark contrast to the goop he is now covered under.

DADDY DIMPLE
Happy Birthday Mark.

CUT TO:

INT. - DADDY'S OFFICE - CONT.

MARK blinking hard comes back to reality.

MARK
Uh..yeah. Times like those are once in
a lifetime.

INT. - OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

ANTHONY DIMPLE
What the hell is this all about? Since
when do we stand out here with out
puds in our hands while dopey talks to
Daddy! What the fuck are we waitin'
for?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Daddy said we are supposed to wait
our turn.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
You have got to be shitting me!

RICHIE DIMPLE
I couldn't shit a turd as big as you.
 ANTHONY DIMPLE
Whatever.

DANNY DIMPLE
Seriously Richie, what are we waiting
for?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Aw who the fuck knows when it comes
to him and his little pet. I'm sure it's
nothing

DANNY DIMPLE
You sure seem confident..about as
cocky as when you thought Daddy was
going to make you a partner.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Don't start with me. Besides, the old
man can't live forever.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
What are you saying? You gonna' off
the old dude?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Are you fucking crazy? I swear to God,
all that pussy has rotted your brain.
No. What I'm saying is that someday
this bullshit of taking crumbs is over
and we'll divide the whole pie three
ways.

DANNY DIMPLE
I'd be real interested to see how big
your slice will be.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I promise you, if mine is any bigger it's
because I've earned it. Getting these
pigeons in here. Up-selling the costs
before and after. I'm not just some
monkey up here shoving stiffs around.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Oh is that right? Is that how you feel
about it?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Settle down goddamn it. There are only
three things that really matter.

DANNY and ANTHONY focus intent on RICHIE.

RICHIE DIMPLE
 One. We keep living just as good as we
do now, hopefully even better, but
never worse. Second, fuck Dimple and
Sons. Its just Dimple Brothers on
everything. The marquee, the business
cards, the casket stamps..everything!

DANNY DIMPLE
You said three.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Yeah. What's the third thing?

RICHIE DIMPLE
We get rid of that pain in the ass Mark
once and for all.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Fuckin' A!

DANNY DIMPLE
How?

RICHIE DIMPLE
I don't know, but we got time to figure
it out. Something so tight he won't ever
want to fuck with us again.

INT. - DADDY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

DADDY DIMPLE
I have something for you.

DADDY pulls open his desk drawer. MARK begins to bite his nails. As he
brings his hand close to his face, notices something odd and pulls back in shock.
Almost insane with anxiety he sits on his hands.

DADDY DIMPLE
Ah..here we go.

MARK
I..I..I don't understand.

DADDY DIMPLE
Mark, you have always been like a son
to me.

MARK
Thanks I've always thought the same-

DADDY DIMPLE
But you're not. If you were this would
not be so hard.

MARK
 What?

DADDY DIMPLE
In exactly six months, I'm retiring.
It's a secret and outside of my travel
agent,
you're the only one who knows.

MARK
I don't know what to say.

DADDY DIMPLE
Inside that envelope you'll find an
overtly legal document.

MARK pulls out a thick document and is leafing through the many pages.

DADDY DIMPLE
On the last page is a blank space for a
name. You Mark are going to fill in
that blank with the name of one of my
boys.

MARK
Why me?

DADDY DIMPLE
Outside of those boys' mother, God rest
her soul, nobody knows them better.

MARK
But what about you?

DADDY DIMPLE
I know my banker better than those
boys. My life had been consumed with
building this business. Something to
pass on..my legacy.

MARK
When do I do this?

DADDY DIMPLE
You have until I skedaddle for the
beach.
And Mark-

MARK
Yes Daddy.

DADDY DIMPLE
As much as I like you son, you can't go
putting your own name on that line.

MARK
 I wouldn't-

DADDY DIMPLE
I'm sure whichever one of my boys you
pick will take good care of you. On
that, I have no doubt.

MARK
Me neither.

EXT. - JAKE'S BACKYARD - NIGHT

A late evening garden party is winding down. A BBQ grill smokes peaceful and
the backyard is aglow in tiki-torches. JAKE and MARK sit in lawn chairs at a
distance from the others

JAKE
How's work?

MARK
Weirder than usual.

JAKE
What's going on? I mean really, what
could that trio of sadistic fuckers
possibly done now.

MARK
Believe it or not, it's Daddy. He's kinda
put me in charge of a special project.

JAKE
That is so cool! It's about time that man
started treating you better.

MARK
Um..well, like it's just the one thing.

JAKE
So what. Today this and then tomorrow
something more until, hells-bells,
you're running the whole outfit.

MARK
Well..I don't know about that.

JAKE
Huh?
You don't mean the "stand-up"
stuff..do you?

MARK
I'm pretty serious.

JAKE
Mark, really, I'm your best-friend
 and..well..Dude, I just don't get it.

MARK
What! What don't you get? Why does
everyone around me seem to think they
know what is best for me?

JAKE
Jesus Christ, calm down dude. I'm
sorry I said anything.

SARAH
Hey guys. Come over and join the
party.

MARK
I gotta' go. Tell Sarah I said thanks.

JAKE
Aw, c'mon. Don't go. Stick around. I'm
sorry, really I am.

MARK
I'm not mad Jake.

JAKE watches as MARK gets up, goes over to SARAH. MARK gives her a kiss
and hug, waves good-bye to the other guests and leaves the party.

JAKE comes and stands next to SARAH.

SARAH
Is he OK? What the hell were you two
yelling about?

JAKE
You know..I really don't remember.

SARAH
I hope he's going to be all right.

JAKE
Mark? Aw hell yeah. He's probably the
toughest guy I've ever known.

EXT. - MARK'S APT. BUILDING - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT

INT. - MARK'S APT. - NIGHT

MARK sits on an unmade, sheetless twin bed. Next to the bed is crappy
nightstand. A single lamp without a shade glows harsh against everything. He is
looking forlorn at an old photograph.

The light-bulb pops and the room goes black.

EXT. - MARK'S APT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

 MARK (V.O)
Fuck!

INT. - PREP ROOM - DAY

FUHNKAR is busy taking measurements of a body. MARK is sitting sullen on a

rolling stool.

FUHNKAR
My friend, you look sad as a whore in a
convent.

MARK
I didn't sleep well.

FUHNKAR
Things like this happen.

MARK
Not to me. Not something like this.

FUHNKAR
Something more than sleep is the
problem.

MARK
I don't want to talk about it.

FUHNKAR
Mark, don't let your life be like a turd
with no splash.

MARK
What the hell does that mean?

FUHNKAR
You know, the kind of turd that is so
long it touches the water but doesn't
break off. Just clinging waiting to be
wiped away, all the while just stinking
up everything.

MARK
All turds stink comrade.

FUHNKAR
True. But not all hang there.

MARK
What's your point Fuhnkar?

FUHNKAR
Splash or the spray the bowl! I don't
care, just do something besides bitch
about it.
 MARK
You know you could of just said shit or
get off the pot.

FUHNKAR
No my friend, because you are the shit.

MARK
You got to quit trying to cheer me up.

INT. - ROOM A - DAY

DANNY DIMPLE is standing staring face down into a casket where a customer
lies in state. FUHNKAR comes into the room, tapping DANNY on the shoulder
to get his attention.

FUHNKAR
Sir, you wanted to see me.

DANNY DIMPLE
What in the hell is this?
How in the fuck do you explain this?

FUHNKAR
What is the "this" that you speak of?

DANNY DIMPLE
Oh, ain't this sweet. You people speak
perfect fucking English when it’s
convenient for you. Don't you?

FUHNKAR
Sir, my speaking English is not in
question it is my comprehension. Quite
frankly, I don't have a clue as to what
bug it is up your ass presently.

DANNY DIMPLE
You..you..you think you're real clever.
Well look at him you clever son of a
bitch and tell me what is wrong?

FUHNKAR
He is breathing.

DANNY DIMPLE
What!

FUHNKAR
Just kidding. Sir I see nothing wrong.
Now may I go-

DANNY DIMPLE
You gave him a dot!
 FUHNKAR
Excuse me?

DANNY DIMPLE
A dot. A dot. One of those goddamn
forehead dots.

FUHNKAR
A bindi?

DANNY DIMPLE
Bendy, bouncy. I don't give a rat's ass
what you people call it, get rid of it.

FUHNKAR
Sir, that is not a bindi dot of my
kinsmen, but is a gunshot wound from
yours.

DANNY DIMPLE
Huh!

FUHNKAR
Thank you. Come again.

FUHNKAR exits leaving DANNY standing alone. DANNY continues to stare,

rubbing his forehead in empathy for the wound, more confused than before.

INT. - ROOM B - DAY

FUHNKAR and MARK have just finished rolling in a casket. They are rushing
to put on any finishing touches prior to anyone arriving.

A young woman enters. She is dressed in all black including make-up and
jewelry. Despite her plain appearance she is very attractive. This is EMILY.

Looking briefly at the two men working, EMILY turns quick on her heel and sits
as far as possible from them.

FUHNKAR
Mark?...Mark! Quit staring. It is
impolite.

MARK
I can't help it.

FUHNKAR
Knock it off before you embarrass us
both.

MARK
Maybe I should say hi?
 FUHNKAR
Oh yes. What an excellent idea.
Excuse me miss, but I'm the guy who
recently embalmed your loved one.
Want to get some coffee?

CUT TO:

ANTHONY DIMPLE enters. He is immaculate in his appearance. Passing

MARK and FUHNKAR he makes no acknowledgment of their existence,
heading straight towards EMILY.

Watching him walk towards her, MARK says nothing, exiting the room without
looking up.

FUHNKAR watches MARK leave. Looking out at ANTHONY, he sees him

sitting very close to EMILY. Noticing FUHNKAR watching, ANTHONY
deliberately puts his hand on her knee and winks at him.

EMILY shocked, shoves ANTHONY off of her and storms out of the room.

ANTHONY re-adjusts his suit and tie. FUHNKAR tries to ignore him until he is
standing right next to him.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Man alive Hadji, there goes one cold
bitch.

FUHNKAR
Strange that she did not find your date
rape like tactics charming.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
That pussy is so cold she pisses icicles.
Pussy-cicles.

FUHNKAR
It's amazing no one has tried to club
you death.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
I'm sorry. What did you say?

FUHNKAR
All ready here. What's next?

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Hell, I don't know. Go clean shit up
downstairs.

FUHNKAR
As you wish master.

FUHNKAR bows low before ANTHONY, rises crosses his arms, blinks(i.e. I
Dream Of Jeanie).
INT. - PREP. ROOM - DAY

MARK and FUHNKAR sit across from each other, playing cards on a stainless
steel cadaver table.

FUHNKAR
I looked at the visitation log. Her name
is Emily.

MARK
It's pretty.
She looked like an Emily.

FUHNKAR
She looked like an Emily?

MARK
Yeah..well in hindsight, yeah. That's
what I mean.

FUHNKAR
So if you found out her name was
Nancy or Cindy, there would be no
attraction?

MARK
No. I mean yes. I don't know. What the
hell does it matter anyway. I don't care
if her name is Belvedere and her
mother is a great fucking Dane. Its not
like she is ever going to come back in
this place again.

FUHNKAR
I wouldn't say that.

MARK
Really and how might this information
have come to you great swami?
Clairvoyance through your third eye.
I see a woman. Now I see a letter, the
letter E. Sir does that mean anything to
you?
No..not that I is a recalling.
Please sir, concentrate. Who on the
other side would send that message?
My granny done passed awhile ago.
Her name sir?
Mildred.
Hmm yes but the letter E, it is so strong
what could your granny mean?
My name is Edgar.
Granny has a new message for you.
Stop fucking your cousin before you
have a three eyed baby.
 Yep. Sure shootin'. That's granny all
right.

FUHNKAR
Are you finished?

MARK
Christ Funnelcake, don't you ever
laugh?

FUHNKAR
Sure, when I hear something funny.
Now may I continue?

MARK
Certainly.

FUHNKAR
Her name is in the visitor's log at least
once every week for the last eight
months.

MARK
How could I of not seen her until now?

FUHNKAR
Because today we were late and she
was early. Serendipity my friend.

CUT TO:

ANTHONY slams open the swinging doors with much more force than
necessary. Walking over to the table he snatches FUHNKAR's cards away from
him.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Got any threes maggot?

MARK
We're playing gin.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Beats playing with yourself. Then
again in your case maybe, that's the
best hand you can get.

FUHNKAR
It is certainly clear now why that
young woman found you so enchanting
earlier.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Whatever fund-raiser. That chick's a
dyke. Total lesbo. Not to mention she
comes in here like every fucking day.
Lucky we don't call the cops on her for
 funeral crashing or something.

MARK
Shut-up.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
What did you say?
Did you just tell me to shut up.

MARK
No, well...not exactly.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Yeah. That's what I thought.

MARK
What I meant to say was shut the fuck
up you impotent, diseased, ghonorheic
prick!

FUHNKAR
Gentlemen I think we are letting
emotion-

ANTHONY DIMPLE
You mother fucker!

MARK
I got your motherfucker right here.
Bend over so I can stick it up your ass
like your boyfriend does.

ANTHONY lunges over the table trying to grab and punch MARK. FUHNKAR
is grappled around ANTHONY's waist trying to hold him back. MARK stands
just out of ANTHONY's range, smiling.

INT. - COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

MARK stands on stage, staring out at the audience. Sweat is beading across his
forehead.

JAKE and SARAH sit in the audience barely able to endure watching another
failed performance.

PEOPLE in the COMEDY CLUB are talking amongst themselves as if MARK

isn't even on stage.

MARK
Why..why don't blind people skydive?

The COMEDY CLUB continues in ignoring MARK's set. JAKE looks as if he

would be more comfortable under the table.
 MARK
'Cause it scares their dogs.
A guy walks into a bar with a frog.

HECKLER
Tell us the one about the guy who is
funny.

MARK
The frog is sitting on the man's head.

HECKLER
The frog says "Can you get this guy off
my ass?"

One PERSON laughs. The HECKLER is beside himself. JAKE is getting pissed,
staring hard in the HECKLER's direction.

JAKE
Man. Who the fuck does that guy think
he is?

SARAH
Take it is easy baby. Jerks like that
come and go.

JAKE
Goddamn drunk. I wish he would just
shut the hell up.

SARAH
Me too.

MARK is trying to ignore the HECKLER and goes into another lame one liner.

MARK
What do you call a dog with no legs?

HECKLER
It don't fuckin' matter, he won't come
anyway.

MARK
Can't you just give it..give me a break?

HECKLER
You suck. Why should I help you?

MARK
'Cause being funny is a bitch when
you're not fat, black, gay or Jewish.

A moment of silence consumes the COMEDY CLUB. Spontaneously, PEOPLE

begin laughing at the self-deprecating one liner.
 MARK, happy to have finally gotten something positive from being on stage,
exits gracefully to mild applause.

MARK joins JAKE and SARAH at their table as the next person goes on stage.

EXT. - DRIVING RANGE - DAY

RICHIE, ANTHONY and DANNY stand in a row, hitting balls onto an open field as children play
in an adjacent putt-putt golf course.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
And then I said, "What did you say?"
and you know what the smartass says?

RICHIE DIMPLE
What?

ANTHONY DIMPLE
I didn't say shut-up, I said shut- the-
fuck-up.
SHIT!

Parents look up from the putt-putt holes startled and shocked by the loud
profanity.

RICHIE DIMPLE
You have got to be shitting me?

DANNY DIMPLE
Yeah..well that curry lovin' Hindu ain't
much better.
SON-OF-A-BITCH!

The parents look up again disgusted by the foul language. A couple of Mothers
take their children and leave.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I wouldn't get your panties in a bunch
over Funk-n-crunch.
He's good, but not irreplaceable.
Besides, all I have to do is fuck with
him a little about his green card and
poof, he's our bitch again.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
That's great. Now what about Mark?

DANNY swings away hard, misses his ball and loses his grip on his club. The
club spirals through the air, landing at the 125-yard marker.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Not again Danny.

DANNY DIMPLE
MOTHER FUCKIN FUCKER!
All the parents are gone from the putt-putt except for one man with his 5-year-
old son.

PUTT-PUTT MAN
Hey, hows about keepin' the language
down there fellas?

RICHIE DIMPLE
FUCK!

PUTT-PUTT MAN
Guys, really, c'mon. Keep it down will
ya?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Fuck you! Take you and your pet
monkey and go back to the fucking
circus.

Upset, the man slams his putter to the ground. Taking his son by the hand, leads
the boy off the putt-putt course.

DANNY DIMPLE
Sweet Jesus I hate Mark-
I hate that mother fuckin' Indian
And I hate having to kiss Daddy's ass

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Goddamn it Danny! Knock it off
before we get kicked out of here too.

DANNY DIMPLE
Sorry..sorry. I just get so worked up
thinking about all this bullshit.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Up till now we've been pretty nice.
It's time to squish the maggot. Before
I'm done he'll wish to God he'd died in
that car too.

A loud crack is heard as RICHIE connects with the ball. Standing frozen in his
finishing pose, RICHIE's eyes roll back as he collapses face first and still
grinning out of the tee box.

ANTHONY and DANNY look down noticing a blue putt-putt ball.

The father RICHIE insulted is back on the putt-putt course holding a monster of
driver. Dropping an orange ball, he sails it hard and fast into DANNY's mid-
section.

Dropping a green ball, he swings and nails ANTHONY hard in the side.

ANTHONY and DANNY writhe in pain on the ground. RICHIE is still

unconscious from the blue ball to the head.
Satisfied, the father casually rests the driver over his shoulder, whistling "The Man On The Flying Trapeze"
walks off the putt-putt course.

INT. - BEREAVEMENT OFFICE - DAY

RICHIE is sitting behind an all-wood desk in a room covered in wood paneling.

The walls, the desk and the shelves behind it are adorned in awards or
testimonials. There is even an oversized picture the size of a poster of the
brothers and DADDY posing in mock humility in front of the funeral home.

Across the desk sits a woman in her mid-sixties, bereaved at the unexpected loss
of her husband and trying to make final arrangements. This is MRS.
LOMBARDI.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Mrs. Lombardi, I know this is a
difficult time-

MRS. LOMBARDI
Oh, sugar I can't even begin to tell you
my troubles. It's not bad enough that
Edgar, my beloved Edgar died, but the
son-of-a-bitch owes enough book to
start a library.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I'm sure that is difficult, but now if we
could turn our attention to-

MRS. LOMBARDI
Oh Edgar..Edgar..Edgar.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Well..anyhow.
If you could just sign here and initial-

MRS. LOMBARDI
Do you know what else that bastard
stuck me with?

RICHIE DIMPLE
No..no I couldn't imagine, but if you
could just sign-

MRS. LOMBARDI
I'll tell you! He got my cousin Gina,
innocent, twenty something Gina, he
got her.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Got her what?
 MRS. LOMBARDI
Pregnant! Jesus mister don't you
understand english?

RICHIE DIMPLE
I understand very well. Now if you
could just-

MRS. LOMBARDI
After the wake, I have to give Gina her
shower. Have you ever heard of such a
thing?

RICHIE DIMPLE
No I can't say that I have.
Now if you'll just sign we can begin
with Edgar's arrangements.

MRS. LOMBARDI
Oh dear, sweet Edgar. So young, so
handsome. How can I go on..how I ask
you Mr. Dimple, how?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Things like these are never easy Mrs.
Lombardi. If you will just sign here we
at Dimple and Sons will make your
husbands last wishes possible.

MRS. LOMBARDI
His last wishes? The only wish Edgar
had is that the sink had hot and cold
running bourbon. The only ones who'll
miss him more than me and his bookie
is the bartender at Pop's. The lousy
drunk, gambling, whore-
mongering...did you know he was
drunk at our wedding?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Mrs. Lombardi?

MRS. LOMBARDI
The birth of all three of our sons.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Mrs. Lombardi?

MRS. LOMBARDI
First communion, birthday parties,
Christmas. Drunk, drunk, drunk.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Mrs. Lombardi!

MRS. LOMBARDI
 What?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Shut-up and sign the goddamn papers.
Do you always talk so much? I mean,
Jesus lady take a breath. No wonder
Old Edgar boy drank like most people
blink. He had to have been a saint to
listen to you for even a day. Maybe we
can call the
RICHIE DIMPLE cont.
Vatican about canonization? What do
you think Mrs. Lombardi, do you think
we should ring up his holiness?

MRS. LOMBARDI
Oh Mr. Dimple, Edgar wasn't Catholic.
He was a Jew, not practicing of course.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I'm sure his reward awaits him
regardless.

RICHIE FLIPS THROUGH THE PAPERWORK. HE STOPS AND FOCUSES

ON ITS MOST IMPORTANT COMPONENT-A CHECK FOR SERVICES
RENDERED IN THE AMOUNT OF TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

MRS. LOMBARDI
You'll make him look his best won't
you Mr. Dimple?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Hmm..oh yes. His own mother won't
recognize him.

MRS. LOMBARDI
Thank God! Did I ever tell you what a
bitch that woman was?

EXT. - FLOWER SHOP - DAY

A hearse pulls in front of the flower shop. MARK steps out and pulls on the
locked flower shop door. Curious, he cups his hands around his eyes to look
through the dirty plate-glass windows.

MARK sees EMILY sitting at the back of the store. She is arranging flowers in a
wreath. A tall, fat man wearing a wife beater shirt and hairy as a gorilla comes
over to where she is working. MARK can not hear them but it is obvious that he
is yelling at her.

Desperate to stop this abuse, MARK knocks loud with his bare knuckles on the
window. The ANGRY MAN sees him and stomps to the front, yanking open the
door.

ANGRY MAN
What the hell do you want?
 Can't you read? We're closed.

MARK is peering unintentional around the ANGRY MAN. He is infatuated with

Emily. It is impossible for him to take his eyes off of her.

ANGRY MAN
Hey schmuck-
I'm talking to you.

MARK's attention on Emily is broken. Looking over the ANGRY MAN, it is

obvious he is physically superior to MARK. Looking directly into ANGRY
MAN's eyes, something changes inside of MARK. Poking his fingers into
ANGRY MAN's chest hard enough to thump aloud, MARK enters the flower
shop.

INT. - FLOWER SHOP - DAY

MARK
You grotesque, overgrown,
neanderthall. How dare you put your
filthy hands on a Dimple. Why I have a
good mind to call Daddy right this
minute and tell him all about the
bullshit I'm having to shovel. About
how much money we could save by
firing your ass and going across town
to the homos always begging us for
chance.

ANGRY MAN
But..but we..I have a contract.

MARK
Fuck your contract. You ever so much
as cough near me again and I'll use that
contract to wrap your ass like a dead
fish. Kapish?

ANGRY MAN
Yes, yes. I'm so sorry Mr. Dimple.
Please forgive me, it must be the
lighting. I didn't recognize you at first.
Emily-

EMILY is looking up for the first time since they entered.

ANGRY MAN
(to EMILY)
Get off you excuse for a brain and
bring Mr. Dimple's order up front.

MARK
Why don't you?

ANGRY MAN
 Pardon?

MARK
You. Why don't you take furry ass
back there and bring up my order.

ANGRY MAN
But sir-

MARK
Daddy would certainly be interested in
these working conditions. He would be
appalled to know his CASH was being
used so poorly.

ANGRY MAN
There's no reason for all that Mr.
Dimple. I'll get your order right away.
Please, just give me a moment and I'll
have your orders ready.

ANGRY MAN leaves the room. EMILY is staring at MARK, showing no

emotion. MARK and EMILY continue to stare, not saying a word.

ANGRY MAN re-enters the room. His arms are filled with half a dozen wreaths
each.

ANGRY MAN
Here you go Mr. Dimple.

Looking away from EMILY, MARK's face twists into disgust at the sight of
ANGRY MAN.

MARK
You're sweating all over the
arrangements. What am I going to tell
the customers when they go to take a
whiff of their bouquet and they smell
your hairy b.o.?

ANGRY MAN
I'm terribly sorry Mr. Dimple. Where
would you like these?

MARK
Where I would like them I doubt they
would fit.
For Christ's sake! Put them in the car
idiot.

ANGRY MAN
Of course. How stupid of me.

ANGRY MAN waddles to the front door. EMILY stands up, looking at MARK.
A smile begins to form then stalls on his face as EMILY walks out of the room.
ANGRY MAN is struggling with not being able to open the door with his arms
full.

ANGRY MAN
Uh, ... excuse me. Mr. Dimple?

MARK
What?

ANGRY MAN
The door sir..I..um can't and well could
you-

MARK
I guess next I'll need to hold it for you
while you piss.

ANGRY MAN
Yes sir..I mean no sir..I mean-

MARK holds the door open.

ANGRY MAN
Thank you Mr. Dimple.

MARK and ANGRY MAN go out the door, closing it behind them.

WE SEE MARK NOW INSIDE-OUT THROUGH THE FLOWER

SHOP WINDOW. MARK IS NOW THE AGGRESSOR, YELLING AND
POINTING AT ANGRY MAN WHO IS NERVOUS AND CLUMSY FROM
THE PRESSURE OF MARK'S DIRECTION.

INT. - PREP. ROOM - DAY

MARK and FUHNKAR stand next to one another talking. A distinct image of a
body laying vertical can be discerned on the table except for its upper half.

FUHNKAR
Then what happened?

MARK
You mean aside from being a raging
asshole?

FUHNKAR
Some things are beyond a persons
control.

MARK
Ha-ha. Very funny. Maybe you should
come out with me on the next open mic
night.
 FUHNKAR
Maybe I will. Now quit changing the
subject. What happened?

MARK
I don't know exactly. It was like some
sort of out of body experience. The
person who bullied the florist wasn't
me.

FUHNKAR
Then who was it?

MARK
I don't know, but I sure as hell didn't
like him.

FUHNKAR
All this ridiculous posturing I'm sure
was for the benefit of the fair Emily.
Certainly she was impressed?

MARK
Fuck if I know. I think if anything she
was turned off. For all my macho
bullshit you want to know what is
really funny?

FUHNKAR
What?

MARK
I was scared to death to talk to her.
Worse than I've ever been.

FUHNKAR
In my country men gladly march into
the jungle to pursue the fiercest of
beasts all in the hope of winning the
attention of some veiled goddess.

MARK
Does it work?

FUHNKAR
Only if he lives.

MARK begins to study the body that is lying before him.

FUHNKAR sighs aloud. Rubbing his hands together he bows his head and closes
his eyes. Opening his eyes he places his hands on the side the table and sighs
aloud again.

MARK
What the hell happened to this guy?
 FUHNKAR
It would seem my bi-furious friend that
the cause of death would be a clear cut
case of S.I.S.

MARK
Self-inflicted stupidity?

FUHNKAR
Indeed. Genius here was a typical do-
it-yourself kind of man. He hung a 88
pound flat-screen tele ten feet high
directly above his bed.

MARK
Sounds pretty cool. What's the
problem?

FUHNKAR
He used 15 pound test wire to hold it in
place.

MARK
Sucks to be him.

FUHNKAR
The family wants an open casket. What
am I supposed to do? Stick a bicycle
pump up his ass!

INT. - OUTER OFFICE - DAY

RICHIE is working at his desk with both ledgers open. He is concerned with
transferring numbers from one to another.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Taxes..schmaxes.

The door to the office enters. RICHIE slams shut the ledgers and shoves them
into desk. MARK closes the door and stands in front of the desk.

MARK
Am I interrupting?

RICHIE DIMPLE
After all this time, you still don't posses
the simple manners of a child. How
rude of you to enter a without
knocking. You wouldn't just barge into
Daddy's office, so why would you
mine?
 MARK
You ain't Daddy.

RICHIE DIMPLE
And you ain't a Dimple.

MARK stands a bit unsteady. RICHIE's last comment feels every bit
discomforting as a hard punch to the stomach. Desperate not to show his raw
emotion, he stares down trying avoid eye contact.

RICHIE stares unflinching at MARK.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Max Meshullam called me at home last
night. A little drunk, but mostly insane
thinking that the Dimple's we're taking
our business elsewhere. And I had to
wonder, just how in the hell could
Maxie's little brain conceive such a big
idea? But I bet you know, don't ya'
maggot.

MARK's head rises slow and returns RICHIE's ice cold stare.

MARK
I never told Mr. Meshullam I was a
Dimple. He assumed it.

RICHIE DIMPLE
You certainly didn't do anything to
discourage it though.

MARK
If there's nothing else, I need to help
Fuhnkar-

RICHIE DIMPLE
Do you shop on-line much?

MARK
Sorry?

RICHIE DIMPLE
You know e-bay, craigslist and the
what not.

MARK
What? What..is it?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Just curious as to where you were
suddenly able to get such a huge set of
balls.

MARK
 Can I go now?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Sure, sure. Go on back down to your
hole doing God only knows what. But
you better watch your ass. I've got my
eye on you and there ain't a fucking
thing you do that I don't know. Daddy
might think your shit don't stink, but
Daddy don't run the show here, I do. If
I ever hear about you pulling some
bullshit like you did with Max again,
I'll make you life more miserable than
even you can imagine.

MARK
I believe you.

INT. - LOBBY OF DIMPLE & SONS - DAY

MARK is sitting under a huge picture of the DIMPLEs. He is obviously bored

holding a hand-count clicker. Instead of keeping an accurate account of visitors,
he is trying to percussively imitate the song "La Cucaracha".

A large Italian family comes into the lobby making so much noise it interrupts
MARK's song and forces him to look at the people.

There is one person out of character with the family, EMILY.

She pretends not to see MARK and enters with the family into ROOM A.

INT. - ROOM A - DAY

EMILY is sitting in the last row alone.

MARK is standing in front of her before she even realizes he is there.

MARK
Mourn here often?

EMILY
What?
What did you say?

MARK
Sorry, I was just trying to make a joke.

EMILY
It wasn't very funny.

MARK
I've been told that more than you might
believe.
Mind if I sit down?
 EMILY
Why?

MARK
Maybe to apologize for how I acted
last time over at Max's.

EMILY
O.K.

MARK sits next to EMILY but she refuses to make any sort of eye contact with
him. MARK in accordance to her demeanor stares straight ahead, but can't help
glancing sideways at her.

MARK
So, can you give me a second chance?

EMILY
Maybe. I've got to admit I am
intrigued. I thought it wasn't in the
Dimple credo to act with any sort of
humility. Maybe I'm just
subconsciously enabling you like
looking at the bloody remains of a car
wreck. I don't want to look, but it
would seem I couldn't help myself.

MARK starts to get up.

EMILY
So what is your game?

MARK
I don't have any game.

EMILY
Bullshit. Danny tries to buy everything.
Anthony tries to screw everything. And
that troll Richie could lie to the Pope.
All you Dimples got a game, so cut to
the chase...what's yours?

MARK
I'm not a Dimple.

Emily turns her head quick. MARK continues to stare straight ahead. After a
moment he turns his head slow to meet her gaze.

MARK
When that asshole Max started talking
to you like that, something inside of me
just snapped. I don't know why I acted
like an even bigger asshole than him
and I'm sorry about that. But I'm not
sorry that it forced him shut his big
 mouth and act like a half-way decent
human being.

A smile begins creeping across EMILY's face. She has to cover her mouth not to
laugh aloud.

MARK
What's so funny?

EMILY
I guess you're just one big sorry
asshole.

MARK
Thanks. I've been trying to think up
something new for my business cards.

EMILY
You're funny.

MARK
You’re drunk.

EMILY and MARK now begin to laugh aloud without any shame as
the roomful of Italian family members scream, cry and shout at each other.

INT. COFFE SHOP - NIGHT

MARK and EMILY sit close at a very small table sipping coffee from child size
tea cups. They are surrounded by people sitting and standing where there is any
available room.

The crowd is generally twenty something disaffected hipsters. At the front of the
COFFEE SHOP is a small, half circular stage. Its only decoration are a singular
silver mic stand in front of a black velvet background bathed in two white spot
lights.

A performer is on stage reading a lengthy poem. The crowd for the most part is
hardly paying any attention.

EMILY
So..
how long have you been the crypt
keeper? Oh God! I couldn't imagine
having to do that kind of stuff.

MARK
What stuff?

EMILY
Touching dead bodies.
 MARK
How do you think they get in the box
Emily?

EMILY
I try not to think about that part.

MARK
Its not so bad.

EMILY
Really?

MARK
Really. Its no worse than being a baker
or mechanic.
Nobody appreciates the effort and
everyone bitches about the price, but
you can't argue with results.

MARK finishes the last of the coffee. He swirls his finger inside the cup getting
the very last drop.

A mild bit of applause is heard as the reader exits the stage. MARK trys to
remove his finger in time to join the clapping, but is too late. People from
surrounding tables stare smug in his direction at his ineptness.

EMILY
You don't get out much, do you?

MARK
No.

CUT TO:

A true 60's hippie takes the stage. This is the MC.

M.C.
Great stuff man. Completely radical.
Proof that the establishment will
someday be exposed for all their
crimes against the people, man.

CUT TO:

MARK
What about you?

EMILY
What about me.

MARK
If you're so grossed out by death, than
why do you come in so much?
 EMILY
I didn't say that. It's the touching part I
find icky.

MARK
Not the seeing part.

EMILY
It' weird, I know.
My shrink told me it's 'cause of my
Mother.

MARK
You're Mom wants you to attend
funerals?

EMILY
No. She's dead.

MARK
I sorry..I didn't-

EMILY
She died when I was six. I found her
lying on our couch. My Dad left us
about month earlier so finding Mommy
sleeping on the couch all day, avoiding
the world, including me, didn't seem so
strange. In fact it was normal.

MARK is riveted to EMILY telling her story. Unconsciously, he has reached

across the table and is holding both her hands.

EMILY
It wasn't until Grandma came over
three days later, screaming and
freaking out, that I even began to
realize how bad shit really must be.

MARK
Are you O.K.?

Releasing MARK's hands, EMILY wipes her face with a paper napkin. Smiling,
she grabs MARK's hands.

EMILY
Some first fuckin' date!

People again look at their table due to her outburst. EMILY and MARK can see
nothing but each other.
 EMILY
Anywho..long story short, I wasn't
allowed to go to the funeral.

MARK
Why the hell not?

EMILY
Grandma didn't think it would be good
for me.

MARK
No shit?

EMILY
No shit. Now I'm some sort of funeral
junkie. How stupid is that! Of all the
shit in the world to be hooked on.
Could anything be more pathetic?

MARK
Yes.
Me.

INT. DIMPLE BROTHER'S GAME ROOM - NIGHT

ANTHONY and DANNY are in a pitch black room. The only source of light is
emanating from the enormous television. The two brothers clothes are disheveled
and dripping in sweat from hours of playing the video game "Guitar Hero". Each
brother is wearing a unique, guitar-like controller across his chest.

The lights to the room flash on, washing out the screen's picture. RICHIE is
standing next to the light switch grinning arrogant.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Goddamn it! What happened?

DANNY DIMPLE
What the fuck Richie? Seriously.
What
the
FUCK!

RICHIE DIMPLE
Quit your bithcin'. For Christ sakes, it's
only a game.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Only a game! Only a game! You
stupid..fat..dickhead!

RICHIE DIMPLE
Check yourself. Your little games don't
 fight back, but I do.

ANTHONY and DANNY look at each other sideways. DANNY shrugs and
takes off his guitar.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Great. Just great.

ANTHONY turns the T.V. off by remote control with the flourish of a circus
master cracking a whip. Still wearing his guitar controller, he crosses his arms
over his chest and flops down on a futon couch, pouting.

DANNY and RICHIE sit next to him. ANTHONY refuses to look at either of
them.

RICHIE DIMPLE
We got a problem.

RICHIE dumps a legal sized envelope of things on the coffee table. We see
several travel brochures to exotic locales, official looking letterheads from
vairous agencies and bank statements.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Daddy is getting ready to leave.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Don't make me laugh.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Drop the attitude Anthony and fucking
focus on something besides having a
good time for a change.

RICHIE picks up a handful of the brochures and begins throwing them one by
one at each of his brothers.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Hawaii, Bermuda, Fiji, Australia,
Mozambique, and my personal
favorite. The fucking Galapagos
Islands.

DANNY DIMPLE
So what. Daddy's been dreaming a
little. I can't even remember him doing
shit for himself since Mom-

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Big deal. So he's going on vacation. It's
not like we don't run the place already.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Really?
Dear Mr. Dimple. It has been our
sincere pleasure to assist you the
planning of your estates assets.
 Dear Sir. As soon as it is convenient,
simply return the enclosed document as
to finalize your liability in Dimple and
Sons.
To whom it may concern. Enclosed is
form 701, change of a business name
and or ownership.

DANNY DIMPLE
How long before he leaves Richie?

ANTHONY DIMPLE
How long before he leaves Richie?
Give me a fucking break! This is
nothing but circumstantial bullshit.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Circumstantial my ass.
Account #6162007, funds transferred,
account closed.
Account #19910521, funds transferred,
account closed.
Account #012005, funds transferred,
account closed.
Three quarters of million dollars.
Nobody moves that kind of money this
quietly who isn't planning on getting
the fuck out of Dodge.

DANNY DIMPLE
I have a question?

RICHIE DIMPLE
What?

DANNY DIMPLE
Let's just say for the sake of argument
you're right. Daddy is cashing in his
chips.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Exactly as I've been saying.

DANNY DIMPLE
Then why hasn't he told us?

The three brothers stare straight ahead dumbfounded. No one wants to answer
aloud the reason they all know is collectively their biggest fear. He didn't want
them to know.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT

MARK and EMILY are still sitting at their table. The crowd around them is
mingling, waiting for the next group of performers to finish signing up.

MARK
My parents are dead. Drunk driver.

EMILY
Oh.. that's so sad.

MARK
They we're all the family that I had.
When they died, it was Mr. Dimple
that took me in. Raised me. Gave me a
roof over my head.

EMILY
It sounds almost nice. Why do you
sound so sad?

MARK
Because.. because
I want to leave.

EMILY
It's OK. The table isn't wired.

MARK
I'm not used to being able to say what I
want.

EMILY
Really?

MARK
That thing at your work was an
accident. I'm not that guy. It's the polar
opposite of what I wish I could be.

The clipboard is passed to EMILY. She immediately writes via the pen attached
on a string. Smiling, she passes it to an anonymous person to her left. The
clipboard disappears as quick as it came.

MARK
Are you going to do something?

EMILY
No.
You are.

MARK
Emily. What the f-

CUT TO: MC ON STAGE

M.C.
 Groovy man. There is plenty to be said
tonight.
Whoa, here's something we don't get
in this strech of the woods everyday. A
comedian. Heavy man.
Let's hear it for.. Dark Mark.

Two people clap. The MC and EMILY.

CUT TO: MARK AND EMILY AT TABLE

MARK
You have got to be shitting me? Dark
Mark. Emily I can't-

EMILY
Yes you can. You're funny. Just be
yourself.

Mark walks through the crowd. No one is cooperative, forcing him to nudge and
squeeze his way to the stage.

STAGE POINT OF VIEW: THE CROWD LOOKS WITH COMPLETE

DISDAIN AT THE STAGE. EMILY IS THE LONE SMILING FACE.

CUT TO: MARK ON STAGE

MARK looks out to audience. No one is talking, moving and if not for the steady
inhale/exhale of smoke, he wouldn't know they were alive and breathing. He
locks eyes with EMILY.

CUT TO: STAGE P.O.V.

EMILY IS MOUTHING WORDS WE CANNOT HEAR.

CUT TO: EMILY AT TABLE

EMILY
Be yourself.. be yourself.. be yourself-

CUT TO: MARK ON STAGE

MARK takes a deep breath and says the first thing that comes to mind.

MARK
Wal-mart sucks.
Where else can you buy a gun, anti-
depressants and the Bible.

Mild laughter begins to generate in the crowd.

MARK
And how can the biggest Hoosier store
since Confederates-R-Us went under
not be a part of NASCAR? Think
 about it. Why isn't there a Wal-mart
500? Everything they sell is already
going around the track anyway.

The audience's laughter is becoming louder and more consistent.

MARK
But race cars are too expensive. Race
cars out, lithium powered scooters in.
Then they could build the store in the
shape of an oval so fans could get the
full "experience".

The audience is now primed and ready to laugh.

MARK
"Where's the ketchup?" "Turn three!
Turn three!"
"Oh honey, we forgot the dog food."
"Don't worry. We'll get it next lap."
"Grandma! You've been here three
hours. You're gonna' have to pit!"

MARK and the audience are now in sync. Their laughter is loud.

MARK
You know why Viagra sponsors a race
car? Because sitting in the hot sun on
aluminum benches, watching cars
make continuous right turns causes
E.D.
Besides, have you seen the inbreeds
watching this stuff. Christ, it would
make more sense if free Jack Daniels
spiked with GHB was being pushed on
them. At least then I could understand
why they find personal hygiene and
contraception so mysterious.

The audience bursts into applause.

INT. JAKE AND SARAH'S HOME - DAY

A hand, positioned holding a champagne bottle, is in front of a pink and blue sign
reading "CONGRATULATIONS". The loud POP of the cork is applauded.

JAKE and SARAH stand slightly raised on a platform. JAKE slams down his
champagne in a single gulp. He then takes SARAH in an embrace reminiscent of
old movies and kisses her passionately. The room goes wild with applause,
laughter and the sound of young children laughing.

EXT. JAKE AND SARAH'S BACKYARD - DAY

MARK and JAKE sit on the marital glider swing. They are each drinking a
magnum of champagne from the bottle.
 JAKE
Holy shit dude. Can you believe all
this?

MARK
You guys having a baby. I can hardly
wrap my head around it.

JAKE
Me too. If you told me all this was
going to happen ten years ago, I would
of called you a liar.

MARK
What is it?

JAKE
Huh?

MARK
The baby retard. Is it a boy or a girl?

JAKE
Oh..it's a boy. A handsome, smart,
athletic, strong, intellectual-

MARK
How do you know all that? The kid
ain't even born yet.

JAKE
I know, you know? I just
know.
Emily is nice.

MARK
Thanks. She makes me feel-

JAKE
Special?

MARK
Maybe.

JAKE
Maybe?

MARK
It's just I don't feel like a loser with her.
Like I can be everything I ever
dreamed staring in her eyes.

JAKE
Aw. Isum wittle Marky Warky in
 wove?

MARK
Fuck you dude.

JAKE
Fuck yourself. Seriously, dude. You
love her?

MARK
Yeah.

JAKE
That's cool. Really cool. Who knows?
Ten years from now my kid and your
kid-

MARK
Are you drinking or smoking crack?

JAKE
I'm just saying you got Emily now and-

MARK
You're getting a little ahead of things.

JAKE
Ten years goes by just like..
Fuck it. You get the point.

MARK
Is it too much to ask that we sit here
and just get shitfaced Dr. Phil?

MARK and JAKE clink their bottles together in salute to each other.

INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY

ANTHONY and DANNY sit uncomfortable at opposite sides of RICHIE's desk.

The faint sound of conversation between DADDY and RICHIE can be heard in
the outer office.

The door to DADDY's office opens. RICHIE backs out, closing the door. As he
turns to face his brothers, the fake smile he had been wearing for DADDY falls
away. RICHIE's normal dour attitude of mistrust and animosity returns.

DANNY DIMPLE
What's up?

A moment of intense silence passes. RICHIE seems not unwilling, but unable to
speak.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
 Richie-

RICHIE DIMPLE
Let's get the fuck out of here.

INT. PREP. ROOM - DAY

The silver slabs for prepping the deceased are all empty. A CD player is blasting
"Ricky Martin - She Bangs".

FUHNKAR is mopping the floor and using the mop as his dance partner.

CUT TO: MARK ENTERING SWING DOORS

MARK walks to the CD player and turns the music down to a soft volume.
Oblivious, FUHNKAR continues to dance and sing.

FUHNKAR
She bangs, she bangs. Oh baby when
she moves, she moves. I go crazy '
cause she looks like a flower but she
stings like a bee-

MARK taps FUHNKAR on the shoulder startling him.

FUHNKAR
Rundi ki bachi!
Son of a whore!

MARK
Jesus I'm sorry Fun. Did I scare you?

FUHNKAR
Chullu bhar muth mein doob mar.
Super: Drown yourself in a handful of
semen.

MARK
What?

FUHNKAR
Oh nothing. Just an old Hindi blessing
my Mother used to say.

MARK
Can I ask you something. Something
important.

FUHNKAR
What do you think Mitesh? Yes, I
agree he does smell very bad.

MARK
C'mon Fun. I'm serious.

FUHNKAR
Very well. What is your little mind
troubled with?

MARK
Emily. I think I love her.

FUHNKAR
You think?

MARK
Fun, I don't know how.. but.. I

FUHNKAR
Spit it out already.

MARK
I want to marry Emily.

FUHNKAR
Oh to be a young fool again.

MARK
Maybe I'm rushing into things but I
can't stop thinking about her. How she
smells or how she laughs or how I feel
just so goddamn wonderful when I'm
with her.

FUHNKAR
The heart is deceitful above all things
and desperately wicked, who can know
it?

MARK
I don't understand.

FUHNKAR
Very few do.

MARK
What the hell is your problem! I
thought you would be happy for me.

FUHNKAR
Your happiness can not be defined by
my approval. If you are happy I
promise to happy with you. I can no
more make you happy than I can make
myself grow an inch taller.

MARK
There is so much going on in my mind.
When I'm with Emily, everything gets
real still. All the bullshit of this life.. of
my life melts away. I know it's possible
to feel this way on my own, but with
 her-

FUHNKAR
It is easy, yes?

MARK
Yes.

FUHNKAR
Mark?

MARK
Yeah Fun?

FUHNKAR
Don't fuck it up.

EXT. PARK - DAY

ANTHONY, DANNY and RICHIE sit shoulder to shoulder on a public park

bench.

They are taking turns drinking from a pint of hard liquor.

RICHIE DIMPLE
So there it is.

DANNY DIMPLE
We are so FUCKED!

RICHIE DIMPLE
Maybe.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Fuck a'mighty. C'mon Richie and just
admit it.
Mark's won.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I'll go to my grave before I'll let faggot
maggot take away every thing I.. we've
worked for all our lives.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Obviously it is not our decision.

DANNY DIMPLE
We are so FUCKED!

DANNY is drunk from sitting in the middle and being forced to drink twice as
much as his brothers. Bobbing his head with his eyes closed, he is lightly resting
in the murkiness between drunkenness and sleep. He still clutches the bottle.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Maybe.. then again.. maybe not
 ANTHONY DIMPLE
What are you gonna' do Richie? Hold
his head in the toilet. We're not kids
anymore and I sure as hell don't want
to go to jail over this shit.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Who said anything about jail? Besides,
we're in this shit neck deep together.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Talk all the trash you want ass, but I'm
not the one with his fingerprints all
over those books.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I haven't heard any complaints so far.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
So what the fuck do we do now?
'Cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna' kiss
that retards ass. I'll burn the mother-
fucking place to the ground before
that'll happen.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I'm thinking he doesn't know what to
do any more than we do.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
What?

RICHIE DIMPLE
We're just finding out. But how long
has he known? I mean why not throw
down the trump and toss our collective
asses to the wolves.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
I don't know.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I'll tell ya' why. It's the same reason
over and over again. The story of his
pathetic, meaningless life.
He's a pussy. Absolutely ball-less. He
wouldn't stand up for himself if he sat
in a pile of broken glass.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
What about that shit over at Max's? Or
when he called me a queer? I'm telling
 you he's changed.

RICHIE DIMPLE
That all happened one on one.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
So what?

RICHIE DIMPLE
A cord of three strands is not quickly
broken.

ANTHONY stares at RICHIE deeply confused.

RICHIE DIMPLE
He got lucky. Deep down, we own
him. Just like always. All we have to
do is stick together and he'll fold like a
fuckin' taco.

DANNY bolts upright and then jumps to his feet.

DANNY DIMPLE
WE ARE SO FUCKED!

ANTHONY eyes roll back in his head

as he falls face first into the grass.
RICHIE and ANTHONY stare straight
ahead as if nothing happened.

EXT. MARK'S APT. BUILDING - DAY

MARK and EMILY walk down the sidewalk snuggled close together.

EMILY looks at MARK, blushes almost instantly and turns her face to the
sidewalk giggling. MARK's smile broadens as he squeezes EMILY even tighter.

They stop at the main door to his apartment building.

MARK
My humble abode.
Do you still want to come in?

EMILY turns face-to-face with MARK.

EMILY
Yes.

They kiss and enter through the door.

INT. MARK'S APT. - CONTINUOUS

MARK and EMILY burst through into the apartment passionately kissing.
MARK's hands are inside EMILY's blouse. He is fumbling madly with her bra
and having absolutely no success.

EMILY begins to laugh.

EMILY
Where's the bathroom?

MARK
Huh? Oh, uh down the hall.. across
from my bedroom.

EMILY
Wait for me there. You will not be
sorry.

INT. MARK'S APT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARK is jumping about wildly, trying to take his clothes off. In his vigor he is
slamming into furniture, causing small items to fall loudly to the floor.

EMILY
Everything all right in there?

MARK
Yeah, just straightening a few things
up.

MARK falls to the floor.

EMILY
You O.K.?

MARK leaps up from the floor. He is now wearing only his boxer shorts. Pulling
back the sheets from the bed he bounces on to the mattress. Lying still for the
first moment since entering the bedroom he springs upright, then dives under the
sheet. Emerging seconds later MARK is holding a couple of pornography
magazines.

MARK
Sorry ladies. I've got a date.

CUT TO:

EMILY is standing at the bedroom doorway, wearing only a bath towel and un-
noticed by MARK.

EMILY
Mark-

CUT TO:

MARK startled by EMILY's sudden a entrance, flings the magazines across the
room.

EMILY takes a running jump and leaps directly on to MARK.

 CUT TO:

THE MAGAZINES ON THE FLOOR COVERED BY THE TOWEL EMILY

HAD BEEN WEARING.

MARK and EMILY lay face to face, staring intent into each others eyes.

EMILY
Mark
Mark, I love you.

MARK
Thank you Emily.

They kiss and begin to make love.

INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BEDROOM - NIGHT

MARK is staring up at the ceiling, content with EMILY coiled about his body. A
candle is burning on the night stand next to MARK's side of the bed.

MARK
Good night beautiful.

EMILY
Turn out the light.

MARK kisses EMILY on the top of her head. Reaching over, he cups his hand
behind the candle. With one breath he blows out the flame. The room goes pitch
black.

INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY

RICHIE is sitting behind his desk, drumming his fingers. ANTHONY stands
directly behind him with his arms crossed. DANNY is wearing black sunglasses,
sitting slumped down in a chair on the right-hand side of the desk.

DANNY DIMPLE
Where the fuck is he already?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Patience is a virtue.

DANNY DIMPLE
Holy shit. Give me a fucking break
already with the talking.

ANTHONY begins to examine his watch closely. He shakes his wrist and holds
the watch up to his ear. Satisfied it is working, he holds it out in comparison to
the clock on DADDY's desk.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Is that the right time?
 RICHIE DIMPLE
Son of a bitch! Fuck the time!

DANNY is writhing in agony from the extreme noise.

RICHIE DIMPLE
I swear to God I don't need this shit
from you right now. Get your heads out
of your asses and into the game.

DANNY DIMPLE
Somebody please shoot me.

RICHIE DIMPLE
We've got one chance, just one, to pull
this thing off.

A knock is interrupts the conversation. All three brothers look at the door with a
mixture of expectation and dread.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Stay cool.
Come in.

CUT TO:

MARK opens the door. He stands in the doorway looking nervous.

MARK
Fuhnkar said you wanted to see me.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Close the door.

MARK closes the door, never losing eye contact with RICHIE. Still standing
there, he leans against the closed door.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Relax Mark. We just want to talk.
Come on and have a seat.

CUT TO:

MARK CROSSES THE SHORT DISTANCE BETWEEN HIMSELF AND THE

BROTHERS. SITTING DOWN, HE LOOKS UP TO THE PORTRAIT OF
DADDY DIMPLE.

ANTHOHY cracks his knuckles. DANNY grimaces at the sound.

DANNY DIMPLE
Keep doing that and you're gonna' get
arthritis.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
So what.
RICHIE rolls his eyes, frustrated with his brothers complete lack of focus.

MARK
Where's Daddy? And what the hell are
we doing in here without him?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Mark, we've asked you here because
something very important to all of us,
including you, needs to be settled.

MARK
Without Daddy?

RICHIE DIMPLE
We don't need Daddy anymore, now do
we Mark? We're not little kids, we're
men. Time has come to put away
childish things.

MARK
I don't have a clue what you are talking
about.

RICHIE DIMPLE
You know goddamn good and well
what I'm talking about. Cat's out of the
bag.

MARK
Seriously Richie, I've got a lot of work
I need to-

RICHIE DIMPLE
Daddy told me the whole schmeal. So,
no more bullshit o.k.?
Here's a pen.
Sign the fucking paper.

The pen lands on a previous un-noticed document. MARK picks up the pen and
looks at the exact same piece of paper DADDY had handed him months ago.

MARK
Where did you get this?

RICHIE DIMPLE
That is for me to know.

MARK
I don't understand-
 DANNY DIMPLE
Sign it already!

MARK puts the pen to the paper then stops as if frozen.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Quit stalling.

MARK looks up at RICHIE.

RICHIE DIMPLE
What's the problem?

MARK
Who's name do I put down?

RICHIE DIMPLE
I would think, even for you, that’d be
pretty obvious.

MARK
You know, that's the damnedest thing.
I look here at Danny and I get all warm
and fuzzy thinking about his daughter.
Opps! Did I say that out loud? Your
being able to abandon that girl and
make her mother believe to this day
you might come back is nothing short
of brilliant! Thank God you do nothing
to financially support them.

DANNY DIMPLE
Fuck you maggot.

MARK
Then of course there is Anthony. A
saint of the community. How generous
of us to have not only given a free
service, but a burial to boot for that 17
year old kid that died drag racing up on
blood alley. More incredible is that boy
being a cop's son and the assailant
never being caught. What a strange
coincidence that your car mysteriously
disappeared about then. Did they ever
catch those guys who "carjacked" you?

ANTHONY DIMPLE
 Eat shit and die.

MARK
But what am I thinking. You guys ain't
shit compared to Richie. A genetic
oddity born without fingerprints.
Nobody, including the Federal
government, can figure out how
anyone is able to provide so much to
his brothers when receipts barely
balance anything to show in the black.

RICHIE begins clapping.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Impressive. I've got to admit it. All this
time I didn't think you got it. Actually,
it's nice to know that about you.

MARK
Know what?

RICHIE DIMPLE
No matter how diseased you think we
are, how slimy or disgusting you've
kept your mouth shut. I can honestly
say it is the one and only quality
admirable about you.

MARK
Gosh. You're gonna' make me blush.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Be that as it may, it is still worth
something.

MARK
A bonus?

RICHIE DIMPLE
A going away present. I want you to
think about this very carefully. This is
a one time only offer.
What do you want?

MARK
What everybody does. Something
beautiful.

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

MARK, EMILY, JAKE, SARAH, and FUHNKAR sit together.

JAKE raises his glass in a toast. Everyone else follows suit.

JAKE
 To the best days our lives.. they are yet
to come.

FUHNKAR
I will drink to that.

SARAH
How much longer until Dimple and
sons becomes Dimple brothers?

FUHNKAR
A week at most. Then it is good-bye.
Don't let the dara hit you where Ihsvara
abandoned you after years of loyal
servitude.

CUT TO:

MARK WHISPERING TO JAKE

MARK
How many of those has he had?

JAKE
Two so far.

MARK
He'll be plowed before my set.

JAKE
Don't bet on it.

MARK
Why not?

JAKE
He's drinking ginger ale.

MARK
Virgins?

JAKE
Suggestion. The best booze ever
invented. Speaking of which, I need a
refill.
Anybody want another?

JAKE gets up and goes to the bar.

EMILY
I still don't understand. Max isn't being
cut out.

MARK
Max is a contractor.
 EMILY
But still, you have been there
practically all your life.

MARK
Those idiots can have it all. Without
Daddy I don't want to be there.

EMILY
You're not scared? What will you do
for a living?

MARK
I'll figure out something.

JAKE comes back from the bar with drinks. He is upset.

SARAH
What's wrong?

JAKE
Oh, that goddamn jerk from last time is
here again.

SARAH
You can't let a guy like that get to you
so bad honey.

JAKE
I fucking swear I'll wring his neck if he
so much as farts when Mark-

SARAH
We found out yesterday what we're
having.

MARK
A boy.

SARAH
How did you know?

MARK
Jake told me.

SARAH
Jake!

JAKE
Whatever. It's not like I'm telling
people you got knocked up doing it in
the changing room at Hot Topic.

FUHNKAR
That is some kind of change indeed sir.
 JAKE
I just hope we can get the employee
discount on a Marilyn Manson onesie.

EMILY
Do you have a name picked?

SARAH looks to JAKE. They smile collusive.

MARK
C'mon bro. It can't be that bad.

SARAH
Jacob.

MARK
Just like his old man. Jakey Jr.

JAKE
Not Jacob Ryan. We were thinking
Jacob Marcus, after my best friend.

EMILY
How wonderful.

MARK
I.. I don't know what to say.

JAKE
Aw Jesus. You ain't gonna' get all
vaginal on me now, are you?

FUHNKAR
Maybe your girlfriend will escort you
to the ladies room so you may purchase
a tampon.

MARK
Ha ha ha. Should I sit my ass tight
tonight while you two go do your set ?

FUHNKAR
I only work on the dead. I will leave
the art of dying to you.

INT. COMEDY CLUB BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

A single file line of comedians of every sort waits for their turn at the open mic.
Each putting the final touch on acts that are as fresh as old gym socks.

A ventriloquist practices with his dummy.

DUMMY
 I'm not the dummy, you're the dummy.

VENTRILIQUIST
Ohh, Mr. Noodles.

A fat clown is shoving a funnel down the front of his pants with the assistance of
a female midget.

A vaudeville type, strikingly similar to the likes of Jimmy Durante, is singing.

VAUDEVILLIAN
Five foot two, eyes of blue but oh what
those five foot could do. Has anyone
seen my gal?

A mime, smoking while talking on a cell phone.

MIME
Forget it Marty. We won't ever do it. I
promised my Mother that. So what
they got a contract. Sue the bastards.

MARK is standing next in line, illuminated by the stage lights. He is repeating

the same thing over and over in a whisper mantra.

MARK
Be yourself. Be yourself. Be yourself.

INT. COMEDY CLUB STAGE - NIGHT

M.C.
Well this next guy coming up is a
familiar face but with a brand new
name. Let's give him a great big hand..
Darrrrrrk Mark!

EMILY, FUHNKAR, JAKE and SARAH clap enthusiastically. At best the others
in attendance give a mild golf clap or simply look up from their drinks for a brief
moment.

MARK saunters on to the stage. He is dressed in an all black suit. His hair is
slicked down. Only the slightest of stage jitters still exists as he reaches to take
the mic from the stand and fumbles with it a bit.

The HECKLER immediately begins to guffaw loud from the darkness. He is

loud. He is drunk.

MARK tries to brush over it by doing a quick bit of pantomime with the mic. He
pretends to wipe his left hand while holding the mic like an erect penis in his
right hand. He pretends to be shocked himself by his penis-mic, causing it to go
immediately flaccid.
 MARK
How's everybody doing? This world
gets weirder everyday. I heard on the
news the other night-

HECKLER
That you suck.

MARK
Thank you but I can't sign autographs
until after the show.

A few laughs are heard in reaction to the comeback.

MARK
So anyway, there's a survey that 89%
of marriages nowadays are doomed to
fail.

HECKLER
Just like you.

CUT TO:

JAKE has gotten extremely angry. He half rises to leave the table but is stopped
by EMILY grabbing his arm.

EMILY
Where are you going?

JAKE
I'm going shut that son of bitch’s
mouth once and for all.

SARAH
Please, sit back down darling.

EMILY
You're just going to make it worse.

JAKE
What?

EMILY
Just give him a moment. He's got it all
under control. Trust me.

JAKE is slightly disconcerted. Looking back and forth between the women, he
plops back down in his chair, unsure as to have done the right thing.

CUT TO:

MARK is a little off time now.

MARK
Which reminds me, if you had to
 choose between your wife and your
lawyer. No, I mean if your wife and
your lawyer were drowning-

HECKLER
Where's the funny people? I thought
this was a comedy club.

MARK's entire posture changes. His voice becomes more intense. He is angry
and his words are dripping in sarcasm. MARK is smiling sadistic at his own self-
awareness that Mr. Hyde ie. DARK MARK is now in control.

DARK MARK
That's real nice. Do you kiss your
mother with that mouth or suck cock at
the bus station with it?

The audience expels a few laughs underneath an ominous “ooo”.

HECKLER
Fuck you, you little jackoff!

DARK MARK
You want me to fuck you then jack you
off?
Is that you Uncle Ronnie? I told you
quit following me to work.

HECKLER
You ain't funny!

ANONYMOUS MAN (O.S.)

Shut up asshole.

DARK MARK
You ain't funny? That's it? Some
fucking heckler. I've had anal cysts
more caustic than you. How can a guy
so full of shit have so little to say?

HECKLER
Maybe I should come up there-

DARK MARK
Drinking alcohol has been shown to
turn some private assholes into public
assholes. Some side effects include but
are not limited to wondering what the
hell happened to your pants;
unexplainable rugburn to your
forehead; anal leakage; thinking your
smart; thinking your handsome;
thinking someone else is smart and
handsome; venereal disease and a
chronic disillusionment that one can
operate a motor vehicle.
The audience is now completely on MARK's side. The HECKLER throws down
his bottle and begins to drunkenly go towards MARK. Two large bouncers grab
him ten feet before reaching the stage.

HECKLER
You ain't shit. You're lucky these
fuckers got a hold of me.

DARK MARK
You're lucky they grabbed you before
you robbed another sperm bank.

The bouncers drag the HECKLER out of the club as the audience cheers.

DARK MARK
Maybe you wouldn't come off as such
a cum sucking mental-midget if you'd
learn the difference between funny
haha and funny I didn't know I was
such an asshole. Ladies and gentlemen
let's give him a great big hand.

CUT TO:

JAKE sits in open-mouthed wonder at MARK's sudden ability.

JAKE
I can't believe it.

EMILY
Believe it.

CUT TO:

MARK takes a moment to enjoy his victory.

EXT. AIRPORT ROAD - NIGHT

RICHIE, DANNY and ANTHONY stand leaning against a chain link fence.

They stare intently as a jet takes off from the runway. Their heads turn in unison
as they watch it gain altitude and disappears into the night.

DANNY DIMPLE
I guess that's that.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Good-bye Daddy.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Christ! I thought he was never gonna'
leave.

INT. COMEDY CLUB STAGE - NIGHT

MARK is in control of the stage. His gait is more reminiscent now of a seasoned
pro. He talks to the audience as if they were casual friends. All fear and
trepidation is gone.

MARK
Getting married is scary stuff. You
can't be sure of anything. When I see a
man open the door of his car for his
wife I have only two thoughts. Either
the car is new or the wife is. Women,
you know it. If it weren't for marriage a
guy could go through life thinking he
had no faults at all. I heard this married
couple arguing the other night. He
said, "If you'd learn to cook and get off
your ass to clean once in awhile, we
could fire the maid." She said, "Yeah,
well if you could learn to fuck we
could fire the gardener and the pool
boy." Quick quiz. Guys, what's the
difference between a mistress and a
wife? About 50 pounds. Ladies, what's
the difference between a lover and your
husband? About 45 minutes. I had a
buddy once tell me, "Mark, when me
and the old lady fuck I have to use half
a container of Vaseline." I was amazed.
I asked him was it because his dick was
so big or his wife's pussy was so tight.
He said, "neither. I put it on the
bedroom doorknob so the goddamn
kids can't come in."

CUT TO:

EMILY, FUHNKAR, JAKE and SARAH are laughing with complete abandon.
They no longer see MARK as just their friend, but as an entertainer.

MARK
This marriage stuff is confusing shit.
After a guy gets married he realizes he
has only two choices. He can beg for
sex or forgiveness. Usually one after
the other. "Did you come?" "I'm sorry."
How's about the shy married couple
who bought flavored condoms. The
husband says, "I'll turn out the lights
and you guess what flavor I have on."
The lights go out, the wife is
immediately gagging. Completely
disgusted she screams, "It tastes like
shit!" He says, "Wait. It's not on yet."

MARK raises his hand to shade his eyes. A red light in the back of the
COMEDY CLUB is blinking.
 MARK
There's one last thing I want to share
with you folks tonight. My girlfriend
Emily is here and for this last joke I
need her to come on up on stage.

CUT TO:

The crowd is clapping to encourage her. EMILY shyly rises and approaches the
stage.

Standing on stage EMILY is nervous. MARK begins to position her as if he were

a magician preparing to perform some elaborate illusion.

MARK places the mic parallel between he and EMILY. The mic screen is placed
directly against her lips. She tries to pull back. MARK in sexual pantomime of
fellatio pushes her face back into position. EMILY begrudgingly goes along.

MARK
A man walks into a comedy club. He
says to the most beautiful girl on the
stage, "We all may laugh at marriage,
but I still wanna' do it."

MARK reaches his hand to the inside pocket of his suit coat. Never taking his
eyes from EMILY's, he kneels on one knee. He has a black velvet box in the
palm of his hand.

THE BOX OPENS AND WE SEE A SIPLE, YET ELEGANT RING.

MARK
I want to make you laugh for the rest of
your life. Will you Emily Louise
Johnson marry my sorry ass?

EMILY is speechless. She is crying and shaking her head simultaneously.

MARK PLACES THE RING ON EMILY'S FINGER.

MARK and EMILY embrace on stage to the audience's overwhelming applause.

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

The COMEDY CLUB is closing. Chairs are on tables upside down all around
EMILY and MARK. A candle burns between them as they hold hands above it.
The rings diamond glitters from the flame.

EMILY
This is all so wonderful.

MARK
I'm just glad you said yes.
 EMILY
I’d thought about bustin' your balls.

MARK
Did you now?

They both laugh as the owner of the club as well as the M.C. from earlier comes
over to their table.

M.C.
Time to call it a night kids.
(reaches out to shake hands)
You were great tonight. Seriously, you
killed.

MARK
Thanks. I've been trying real hard
lately to come out of my shell.

M.C.
I'll say. That's love for ya'. I’d venture
to guess there might be something to
that behind every successful man is a
woman stuff.

EMILY
Of course.

M.C.
What would you think about being one
of my warm-ups? You come on before
the marquee talent, take the crowd
from cold to warm and get off the
stage. It don't pay much of shit, but it
will put you in front of people who
actually paid to get into this place. We
even get the occasional talent scout. Do
you think you could do all that?

MARK
Are you shitting me! Yes! Yes! A
thousand times yes.

M.C.
Great kid. Let's see if you still feel this
good about this toilet in a year.

INT. JAKE AND SARAHS CAR - NIGHT

JAKE sits behind the steering wheel. He is not wearing his seat belt. SARAH sits
passenger side, leaning against the window and does have her seat belt fastened.

JAKE
Man o' man. I could not believe that
happened tonight if I hadn't of seen it
 with my own two eyes.

SARAH
I'm happy for him. Hey Jake?

JAKE
Yeah babe.

SARAH
What is he going to do now without the
Dimples?

JAKE
I'm not sure and I don't really think he
does either.

SARAH
I like Emily. They're perfect for each
other.

JAKE
What the hell is that guy doing?

JAKE flashes his bright lights.

INT. HECKLERS CAR - NIGHT

The HECKLER is weaving over the yellow divider line and back over to the
shoulder. His head bobs up and down off his chest, barely able to remain
conscious.

HECKLER
Stupid son of a bitch. You ain't so
funny.

HECKLER raises a pint sized bottle of liquor to his mouth and drinks while
trying to keep one eye on the road. He throws the now empty bottle out the
drivers side window.

THE BOTTLE SMASHES ON THE BLACKTOP AS THE HECKELER'S CAR

SWERVES DOWN THE ROAD.

HECKLER
I'll kick your smartass-

Bright lights begin to flash across the HECKLER's face. He puts his hand up to
his face attempting to shield his eyes from the offensive light.

INT. JAKE AND SARAHS CAR - NIGHT

SARAH
Jake.. Jake. Jake!

JAKE
Jesus!
EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The HECKLER's car smashes head first into JAKE and SARAH. The sound of
metal twisting and glass smashing is deafening as debris from the two cars is cast
in every direction.

Smoke rises, illuminated by the remaining working headlights of either car, as

they both sit absolutely motionless. The sound of steam leaking and small bits of
metal coming to rest on the ground can be heard.

The HECKLER lays like a carelessly discarded child’s toy across the hood of his
car.

JAKE is frozen in time the exact moment before the impact. His arm is still
outstretched out to SARAH, over her belly in a last ditch effort to protect his un-
born child.

SARAH is moaning, becoming conscious.

SARAH
Jake? Jake, are you O.K.?

SARAH pats JAKE's hand trying to revive him. She notices the steering wheel
pressing into his chest and realizes he is not breathing. Reaching down SARAH
is desperate to get free to help JAKE.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The cars can be seen at a distance in profile. Smoke has enveloped the cars in a
fog. Only an outline of their remains to be seen as lit by the still working head
and tail lights.

SARAH
Oh my God! Jake! Jake! NO!

The familiar sound of first responder sirens can be heard in the distance.

EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

MARK and EMILY walk hand in hand. A blur of flashing lights and the sirens
wailing rush by them.

EMILY
Jeez. I wonder what all the fuss is over.

MARK
Who knows.

INT. MARK'S BEDROOM - DAY

A cell phone is ringing on the nightstand next to MARK's head.

EMILY nudges MARK trying to awaken him.

 EMILY
Answer the phone.

MARK
No.

EMILY
It could be important.

MARK
No.

EMILY begins to kiss and bite his ear.

EMILY
Maybe after you answer the phone we
can-
(whispers in MARK's ear)

MARK's eyes go wide open and smiles sly about whatever EMILY has promised
as his reward.

MARK grabs the phone. EMILY wrapped in a sheet, gets up and goes to the
bathroom.

CALLER I.D. SHOWS "HIS HOLY FUNKINESS"

MARK
Funk and boogie. My brother of
another mother. What's up!

The chirp of speaking can be heard ever so soft. MARK's smile is dissolving.

A toilet flushes O.S.

EMILY sits down next to MARK. It is obvious to her something is wrong.

EMILY
What's wrong?

MARK does not respond. He is in shock. The phone falls out of his hand.

FUHNKAR
Mark? Mark? Are you there Mark?

EMILY begins to brush MARK's hair back with her hand.

EMILY
Mark?
Baby? What is it baby? Mark honey.
What is it?

MARK turns on his side and assumes the fetal position. With EMILY stroking
his head, he begins to cry.
INT. SARAH'S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

EMILY enter SARAH's hospital room. EMILY gasps at the sight of her.

Beeping and wheezing machinery surrounds SARAH. Different tubes enter and
exit her body from her groin to her nose. Her face is pockmarked from shards of
flying glass and there is a distinct bruise across her neck and shoulder blade from
the seatbelt.

A NURSE is tending to the machinery.

EMILY
Excuse me.

NURSE
Just a tic' hon.

The NURSE flicks an I.V. drip line with her middle finger. Satisfied, she looks at
EMILY.

NURSE
Your friend here is very lucky.

EMILY
Is she-
Is her baby-

NURSE
The baby is fine. Little fella got a good
squeeze but the doctor says everything
is fine. Not a thing to worry about.

EMILY
Is she sedated?

NURSE
Yes. We had no choice. If not for her
sake than for her baby.

EMILY
I couldn't imagine going through
anything harder than she did.
Can she hear me?

NURSE
Probably.

The NURSE busies herself with writing notes on to a silver metal clipboard.

EMILY holds SARAH's hand with one hand and places her other on her
stomach.

EMILY
Everything is going to be all right.

INT. PREP. ROOM - DAY

MARK stands side by side with FUHNKAR. They are positioned in-between
two bodies laid on either side of them. To the back of them is a body that is
completely veiled under a white sheet. In front of them is the body of JAKE.

The circular imprint of the car's steering wheel is a bold purple bruise across his
chest. He seems peaceful, as if dreaming.

FUHNKAR
If it is of any consolation, he suffered
very little.

MARK
It isn't.

FUHNKAR
The only damage done was to his
upper torso region. There will be no
problem with cosmetizing his
appearance for the viewing.

MARK
I know you will do your best for him.

FUHNKAR
More so, I will do my best for you.
After all it is for the living soul that the
decedent’s body is prepared.

MARK
Fuhnkar?

FUHNKAR
Yes.

MARK
Can you give me some time alone
here?

FUHNKAR
Certainly.

FUHNKAR turns without hesitation and heads towards the swinging doors.

With his hand on the door, FUHNKAR stops.

MARK CAN BE SEEN BY FUHNKAR IN THE REFLECTION OF THE

DOOR'S GLASS WINDOW.

FUHNKAR
Mark.
I am sorry for your loss.

FUHNKAR exits the room.

INT. PREP. ROOM - DAY

MARK is now standing alone between the two corpses. He is breathing in quick,
shallow breaths as he reaches to pull back the sheet on the unknown body.

Underneath is the HECKLER. MARK is equal parts disgusted and horrified at

the identity.

MARK
You. It's you.
You son of a bitch.

MARK begins to slap and backslap the HECKLER.

MARK
You ignorant
evil
cocksucker!

MARK is gasping for air. He stares at the HECKLER's corpse.

MARK
I wish you weren't dead so I could kill
you myself.

MARK regains some strength and continues where he left off.

MARK
You stupid
drunk
bastard.

JAKE
Cut it out dude.

MARK's hand is frozen in time, motionless as if he were reciting the pledge of

allegiance.

JAKE
Seriously, do you think that is doing
anybody any good?

MARK spins around knocking over a small instrument tray from a nearby
counter. His outrage is completely gone. A mild panic attack has settled on him
as he stares at JAKE.

JAKE is now sitting upright on the table. He is no longer naked or disheveled,

but quite neat. His appearance is as impeccable as if he just came from a full day
at a spa. He is wearing spotless white hooded robe very akin to a monk except in
color.

MARK
Wh.. what the fuck?

JAKE
Don't freak out. It's really me dude.
MARK approaches JAKE slow and cautious until they are separated only by
inches. MARK leaps forward and hugs JAKE.

MARK and JAKE release the embrace only somewhat. Each keep their hands
holding on to the other at the elbows.

MARK
Is this real?

JAKE
Define real.

MARK
Are you-

JAKE
Dead? Yeah. I'm deader than disco.

MARK
Then how, I mean how is it this is
happening now?

JAKE
It's happening. That's all that matters.
The real question dude is why.

MARK
Why?

JAKE
Glad ya' asked. First of all, I love you
dude.

MARK
I love you too man.

JAKE
God! Now that feels good. I don't
know why we couldn't do that before.

MARK
Guess we were afraid of sounding
queer or something.

JAKE
That is so stupid. Love is a beautiful,
precious gift dude. It's not something to
hide or be ashamed of having.
Life is so short.

MARK
I wish this all was a dream.

JAKE
Why Mark?
 MARK
Then you would still be alive.

JAKE
I wouldn't change one thing. Having
you as my best friend, getting to see
you find a girl who makes your life
better, makes you better, getting to see
you make people truly laugh, now that
was cool.

MARK
But what about Sarah and the baby?
You're not going to be there. You're
not going to see him born or grow up.
Why wouldn't you change that?

JAKE
I can't. That's why I'm here.

MARK
I don't understand.

JAKE
You're here Mark. Every time you look
into that little boys eyes, you'll see me.
You won't be able to help it. That love
you carry for me will so easily transfer
to him. When you take him to the zoo
and put him on your shoulders to see
above the crowd it will remind you
how much love you really have to give.

MARK
Jake-

JAKE
When you push him on the swings at
the park you will remember that real
strength comes from being exposed,
vulnerable to another human being and
not being afraid.

MARK
Jake I don't know if I can. If I can do
any of that.

JAKE
Sure ya' can dude.

MARK
How hell can you be so confident in
me?
 JAKE
Because I know the real you Mark. The
guy who's not afraid. The guy I
watched swallow every inhibition he
had to get up on a stage to tell jokes.
You never gave up.

MARK
That's different.

JAKE
I know how you stood up for Emily.
I know how you'll stand up for me.

INT. PREP. ROOM STAIRWELL - DAY

FUHNKAR is watching MARK through the window in the swing door.

MARK is holding JAKE's lifeless body up, embraced in a hug.

INT. PREP. ROOM STAIRWELL - DAY

FUHNKAR is watching MARK through the window in the swing door.

MARK is holding JAKE's lifeless body up, embraced in a hug.

INT. PREP. ROOM - DAY

MARK
So what happens now?

JAKE
You go on living.

MARK
I'm going to miss you bad dude. We all
will.

JAKE
It'll get easier with time.

MARK
Yeah, I guess.

JAKE
Life is what you make of it. It's
complicated and messy and believe it
or not, it's fun.

MARK
You call this fun? My heart feels like a
lead weight in my chest. I can barely
 breathe and I think I'm hallucinating
because I'm talking to my dead best
friend.

JAKE
Yeah. Ain't it great!

MARK
I'll do my best for you, for Jake Jr.

JAKE
Good. That's good. If you're half the
friend to him that you were to me, he'll
have a good life.

MARK
Thanks.

JAKE
There's one last thing.

MARK
What?

JAKE
Our kids are gonna' be best friends just
like their Dads were.

MARK
That's a nice thought Jake, but-

JAKE is smiling a hint-giving, knowing smile.

MARK
You don't mean-

JAKE
Goodbye Mark.

MARK
Jake don't go-

JAKE
Life is short.

CUT TO:

FUHNKAR enters through the swinging doors. He walks over to MARK,

coming around the table to face MARK.

JAKE's body has resumed its deceased form.

Noticing FUHNKAR, MARK's attention upon JAKE is finally broken.

MARK
He's gone Fun.
 FUHNKAR
I know my friend.

FUHNKAR slides his hands under JAKE's body, encouraging MARK to place
the corpse back into its' original prostrate position.

MARK cooperates without any resistance. He is in a state of mild shock and

doubt.

MARK
He's really gone now.

CUT TO:

MARK AND FUHNKAR ARE SEEN FROM JAKE P.O.V. AS SHEET IS

PULLED OVER THE FACE. THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.

FADE IN:

INT. MONUMENT SHOP - DAY

Anonymous hands push buttons on a large piece of automated machinery.

The red beam of a laser cutter is seen engraving various symbols, letters and
numbers into a large marble headstone.

EXT. MONUMENT SHOP - DAY

A large delivery truck with a small crane attached is BEEPING as it backs up to

a loading dock.

Banging chains and metal lids clang in orchestra like crescendo as the oversized
vehicle comes to a sudden stop. The "psssh" sound of air brakes washes out all
other sounds.

EXT. REAR OF DELIVERY TRUCK - DAY

The large monument is strapped down in the back of the truck from the loading
dock. As the truck travels, little tools jingle and vibrate across the truck's steel
bed from the vibration of the road.

A young man is siting shotgun in the rear on a dirty white five gallon bucket. He
is wearing sunglasses, smoking a cigarette and basking in the mild temperature.

CUT TO:

The driver is a much older man, also wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette.

A map is sitting next to him passenger seat. A red circle marks the destination of
the delivery.

The driver switches on the radio. Rats and People's "The Crooked Way" is
playing. The audio is thin at first but quickly becomes resonant stereo quality.
EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD GATE - DAY

From a distance the truck is seen turning off the main road onto a poorly kept
gravel road. A cloud dust is plumes behind the truck so heavy, that it can barely
be seen.

As the dust cloud settles, the truck can be moving away farther.

CAMERA FOCUSES IN ON THE SIGN ABOVE THE ENTRANCE. IN

LARGE LETTERING IT READS "ST. LOUIS PARK". IN SMALLER
LETTERING BELOW IT READS "INDIGENT CEMETERY".

Music fades out.

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD - DAY

A MAN AND WOMAN'S FANCY DRESS SHOES ARE SEEN WALKING IN

UNISON ON THE GRAVEL ROAD.

EXT. GRAVESIDE - DAY

The truck's driver is operating its mini-crane. The young man is holding a guide
rope from the ground, helping to place the monument lazily into its final position.

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD - DAY

THE MAN AND WOMAN'S FANCY DRESS SHOES ARE CROSS OFF THE
GRAVEL AND ONTO GRASS. THE GRASS IS NOT NECESSARILY KEPT
OR GREEN.

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD GATE - DAY

The old man and young man are seen riding together in the cab of the truck as it
exits the cemetery.

In the background, gleaming in the sun is the monument.

Two people can be seen standing next to it.

A black four door Cadillac with a magnetic sign on the driver's door enters the
cemetery.

CAMERA FOCUSES ON MAGNETIC SIGN ON CAR AS IT PASSES IN

AND OUT OF FRAME. SIGN READS "DIMPLE BROTHERS - A FUNERAL
WITH A SMILE IS CERTAIN TO COME WITH A DIMPLE".

The car stops at a distance away from the people at the monument. RICHIE,
DANNY and ANTHONY exit the vehicle. The brothers gather against the
drivers side in a cluster either standing, sitting or leaning against the car.

EXT. GRAVESIDE - DAY

A GLISTENING BLACK MARBLE MONUMENT WITH GOLD

LETTERING IS SEEN. THE EPITAPH INSCRIBED READS "BELOVED
MOTHER". BELOW THAT IT READS "ALICE MILLER". BELOW THAT IT
READS "BORN 1956 - DIED 1978".

CUT TO:

THE P.O.V. THAT WAS FOCUSED ONLY ON THE SHOES MOVES

STEADILY UP AND OUT REVEALING MARK AND EMILY.

MARK IS WEARING A NEW SUIT AND EMILY IS WEARING A MODEST

FLORAL DRESS OVER HER UNDISGUISABLE PREGNEAT STOMACH.
MARK IS HOLDING A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS IN ONE ARM AND
EMBRACING EMILY IN HIS OTHER.

THEY ARE STANDING ON AN ISLAND OF PERFECTLY MANICURED

GREEN GRASS. IT IS STARK CONTRADICTION TO THE DINGY,
OVERGROWN STATUS SO COMMON TO THE REST OF THE
CEMETARY. THE DEAD HERE, EXCEPT FOR WHERE MARK AND
EMILY STAND, HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN FORGOTTEN.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP OF MARK PLACING THE FLOWERS AT THE BASE OF THE

MONUMENT.

EMILY
I never realized how young she was
when she died. I'm just a little older
now myself.

MARK
Life is short.

EMILY
Strange you would say that.

MARK
Why?

EMILY
Sarah said the same thing to me.
Almost as soon as she woke up.

MARK
My guess is that it is just a
coincidence.

EMILY
Yeah.. I guess. It just feels more like

MARK
Like what?

EMILY
Deja Vu.

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD - DAY

RICHIE, DANNY and ANTHONY stare at MARK and EMILY.

DANNY DIMPLE
Heard from Daddy yet Rich?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Not a word. It's almost like he vanished
into thin air.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
Weird him leaving like that. I wonder
why he wouldn't call or write or..
something.

RICHIE DIMPLE
It's not like we were close.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
But we're his family. His sons.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Fuck me, you're not gonna' cry are
you?
You see that sniveling, rat-bastard over
there?

RICHIE points to MARK.

RICHIE DIMPLE
He was more of a son to Daddy than
the three of us combined.

DANNY DIMPLE
Damn bro. You're one cold blooded mother fucker.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Who do you think taught me, us, to be
so cold blooded? Daddy! He raised us
not to give a shit about anyone else. To
always put business first and family
last. Wake the fuck up you guys and
get a clue. Him leaving wasn't
personal, it was a business decision.
Eventually everybody retires, he just
decided to go out six feet above instead
of below.

The brothers stare at one another. In unison the three look towards MARK and
EMILY.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
You know it's fuckin' stupid, but I miss
him.
 DANNY DIMPLE
Me too.

ANTHONY and DANNY look at RICHIE. It is as if they are mentally trying to

coerce an analogous answer from him.

RICHIE DIMPLE
What?
Yeah, I miss him too.
There! Are you fucking Marys happy
now?

The three brothers return to gazing at MARK and EMILY.

EXT. GRAVESIDE - DAY

MARK and EMILY continue to stare as if mesmerized at the shiny, black granite
monument.

EMILY looks up at MARK. It takes him a moment to realize she is looking.

Once he does he returns her attention.

They are looking with great affection towards one another.

EMILY
Mark
Thank you.

MARK
I love you Emily.

They embrace and kiss.

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD - DAY

The brothers DIMPLE continue to stare dead pan at the happy couple.

DANNY DIMPLE
Why in the fuck are you forcing us to
watch this shit Richie?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Because this is what he wanted.

ANTHONY DIMPLE
I don't get it?

RICHIE DIMPLE
All he wanted was his little tramp's
O.D. Mommy to have a first class
grave. We're just here to make sure
there ain't no complaints. Personally, I
hope this is the last time I ever have to
see Mark as long as I live.
 ANTHONY DIMPLE
He went through all this trouble for a
girl he's already bangin'? You have got
to be shiting me. He could of had
goddamn near anything he wanted and
he picked this!?

RICHIE DIMPLE
Don't know, don't care, don't give a shit
either way. I'm just waiting for the
signal so I can get back to reality.

DANNY AND ANTHONY

What signal?

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD - DAY

MARK AND EMILY ARE SHOWN IN PROFILE WALKING ACROSS THE

CEMETARY.

WAITING FOR THEM IS A STRECH BLACK LIMOSUINE. FUHNKAR

OPENS THE BACK DOOR AND STEPS OUT TO GREET THEM.

FUHNKAR
How was everything?

EMILY
Wonderful. It was more than I could of
even hoped for.

EMILY reaches out and hugs FUHNKAR.

FUHNKAR
Truly the pleasure was all mine.

They separate. MARK opens the door allowing EMILY to enter the car. MARK
and FUHNKAR look across the cemetery at the DIMPLES.

From MARK and FUHNKAR's P.O.V. we see the DIMPLES. RICHIE steps
forward away from his brothers and holds his hands out from his sides,
intimating with his body language "What' up?"

MARK
You know Funkytown, for being three
of the biggest asses in the world I am
impressed that they lived up to their
end of the bargain.

FUHNKAR
My wonder is only diminished by my
prayers for their long lives.

MARK
Wow man. I wouldn't of thought that
of all people you would wish them
well. I mean, Jesus all the terrible
 names they called you, the lies, and not
to mention the shitty pay while they
worked you like a damn dog.

FUHNKAR
I never said that.

MARK
You just said-

FUHNKAR
I only pray they live long lives. Not
happy ones. May they get leprosy and
live to be a hundred.

MARK
You fuck me up king Funkentut.

They smile friendly at each other.

MARK
Let's give him the signal.

Promptly and simultaneously MARK and FUHNKAR flip RICHIE the bird.

CUT TO:

CLOSE IN ON RICHIE'S FACE. HE IS SMILING.

RICHIE DIMPLE
Let's get the fuck out of here boys. I
feel like celebrating.

ANTHONY and DANNY shout out loud behind RICHIE.

EXT. PAUPERS GRAVEYARD GATE - DAY

The DIMPLES car and MARK's car exit the cemetery one after the other.

The DIMPLES car goes right. MARK's car goes left.

FADE OUT.

THE END.