Do Britons really need to bother with foreign languages?

The British inability to even attempt to speak a foreign language smacks of

arrogance, says Anthony Peregrine
Its the oldest linguistic joke of all. What do you call someone who speaks three
languages? Tri-lingual. Someone who speaks two languages?
Bi-lingual. One language? British. Ho, ho, ho and fourth ho because its largely
true. There are reasons. Whether the world likes it or not, English is now the world
language. It opens things up.
Say in English: Whoa, fat-boy steady with the dumplings almost anywhere on the
planet and you will be understood.I certainly was when, on the assumption he didn't
speak English, I muttered just that to a fellow on a neighbouring table in a restaurant
in southern Germany. A stupid mistake. Happily, he really was fat, so slow, so I got
out unharmed.
The same thing in, say, Bulgarian would have allowed me to finish my meal. Theres
little chance that anyone but Bulgarians speak Bulgarian. Theres every chance they
speak English. We must remember that because, stupidity aside, it obviously works in
our favour. In recent days, Ive been in Lille and then on the Cte dAzur.
In Lille, I joined a group of other Britons, plus Germans, Italians, Belgians, Dutch and
French people. The group language was English on the grounds that a) everybody
spoke it as well as their own language; and b) no one could expect the Britons to
speak anything else. On the Cte dAzur, all the guests at a dinner either were, or
spoke, French bar one English lady. So naturally, most conversation was in English.
Our linguistic uselessness is beyond a joke
Like it or not, English is now the world language Photo: GETTY
Foreigners adapt to our linguistic uselessness. As I said, there are reasons. But it still
leaves us looking arrogant and impolite. (OK, not as impolite as calling a German
stranger fat-boy, but I was young mid-40s and prone to lapses.) I die a little
every time Im in a Continental caf and an Englishman, or American, strides in
crying: Two beers, a couple of milky coffees, oh, and yeah, wheres the loo?
Imagine ordering in French, straight off, in a British pub or American bar. (I once did,
in Londons Soho, when I was pretending to be a Frenchman for professional reasons
long forgotten. Sorry mate, we dont do Frog here, yelled the barman, proud to be
repelling boarders.)
Our linguistic uselessness is beyond a joke
Imagine if a Frenchman strolled into a London boozer and started rattling off orders in
his own tongue? Photo: GETTY
But why dont we do Frog? Or German? Or Italian? As a nation, were no more daft
than foreigners. If they can manage other languages, so can we. Its a matter of
courtesy. And of safety. In Athens, I met a Greek in a bar. Having ascertained my

Greek was rudimentary (Kalimera, Stavros), he took us to another bar. There he sat
me next to a barely clad lady from Romania. A chap the size of the Parthenon
brought across a half-bottle of unspeakable sparkling wine, and a bill for 250. I had
to flee this place, too. If only Id known the Greek for P--- off, this could have been
avoided.

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