ThinkHard,ItllComeBacktoYou

Ashealthfoodstoresgo,theHardenedArteryisassteadyasany.Perusingitspriceynutrients
lastweekinquestofsomevitalizingherborroottoflushoutafamilyoffreeradicalsthathad
builttheirnestinmychassis,Icamevisvisabottleofredfluidnestledlikeakraitbetweenthe
ginsengandtheechinaceaandsportingtheRayBradburyishtitleBrainiac.Pluckedfromits
niche,itclaimedtobeathirstquencherchockablockwithgingkobilobaandsundryantioxidants
reputedtoenhancememory.Thinkquick,thelabelcopyspieled.Whereareyourcarkeys?
Cuetelevisiongameshowmusic.TheminddocsatFunctiondevelopedBrainiactohelpinthese
situations.Onthelabel,inlettersclearlyvisibletoanyonepossessinganelectronmicroscope,
followedthesheepishadmissionthattheclaimsofthemiracleapritifhadnotyetbeen
examinedbytheFoodandDrugAdministrationandtheproductisnotintendedtodiagnose,
treat,cure,orpreventanydisease.Whetheritmightbeusedtoremovegravystainsoruncloga
drainremainsuntested.Still,thisnotionofaneuronrechargingelixirbroughttomindthoughts
ofmyesteemedcolleagueMurrayCipher,ashepreparedtogooutfordinner.Mustntbelateto
theWasserfiendsparty.Classycrowd.Nolungfishcaviartonight.Upwardmobility?Vice
presidencyforoldMurray?Imaginetwentyfourexterminatorsworkingunderme.Mind
boggling.HowdoIlook?Onlygreat.Newnecktieshouldwowem,althoughthepatternof
multipleGclefsmaybetoohipfortheroom.SearchedfortheperfectbirthdaypresentforMr.
Wasserfiend.Amazing,butHammacherSchlemmeristheonlyplaceintownthatcarriesaJarvik
Heartwithacompartmentforfishhooks.But,lookatthis,inmyhastetobeontimeIalmost
boltedoutthedoorwithouthisgift.Letssee,wheredidIputit?Hmm.Wasitonthefoyer
table?Nothereinthedrawer.DidIleaveitinthebedroom?Checkmynighttablesodamn
cluttered.Readinglamp,alarmclock,Kleenex,shoehorn,mycopyofHuiNengsPlatform
SutraoftheSixthPatriarch.GlovecompartmentoftheSaab?Betterraceoutandsee.Raining.
Oh,brother,ascratchonthefender.Damnrabbionhisunicycle.Waitaminute,wherearemy
carkeys?CouldhaveswornIlefttheminthispocket.No,justsomeloosechangeandticket
stubsfromtheallblackversionofElaineStritchsonewomanshow.DidIcheckmydesk?
Bettergobackinside.Whatsinthetopdrawerhere?Hmm.Envelopes,mypaperclips,aloaded
revolverincasethetenantin2Abeginsyodellingagain.O.K.,letsreconstruct.ThismorningI
drovetoSmallbonestohavemytoupeesteamed,stoppedoffatStebbinsshometoreturnhis
archsupports,thentomybagpipelesson.

Hey,waitaminute,thatlittlestarletIshackedupwithwhoalwaystookmelatonintopreventjet
lagwhenwehadsexsheusedtonoshsomekindofBuckRogershealthsnack.Yes,Cranial
Pops.Supposedtozapthememory.Couldshehaveevenleftsomeinthecupboard?Ah,here
whatdoesitsayonthebag?UntestedbyFoodandDrugAdministrationMaycause

drowsinessinmennamedSeymour.Illjusttryafew.Hmm,niceflavor.Ilovethetasteofsoy
phosphatidylserine.Havesomemore?

Now,wherewasI?Oh,yes,ofcourse,IleftMr.Wasserfiendsgiftattheoffice.Mysecretary,
MissFacework,tomeetmewithitattheparty.Carkeysingraycashmerecardiganonsecond
hangerinhallcloset.RememberthedayIboughtthatcardigan,sixteenyearsago.ATuesday.I
waswearingbeigeslacksandaSulkabuttondownoxfordshirt.Graysocks.ShoesfromFlagg
Brothers.HadlunchwithSolKashflow,thehedgefundwhiz.Solorderedthehalibutwith
butteredpeasandjuliennepotatoes.Hisbeveragewhitewine,a64BtardMontrachet,whichI
recallwasatadfruity.Finishedoffwithlimesorbetandtwoafterdinnermintsorwasitthree?
Funnything,hehardlytouchedhismeal.TooexcitedbecauseAmalgamatedPermafrosthadjust
mergedwithacompanythathaddevelopedaprocesstomakesteelintohenbane.TocelebrateI
gotthecheck.Fiftysixdollarsandninetyeightcents.Hardlyworthit,sincemylangoustines
wereovercooked.

TotheWasserfiendspartyatlast.Justontime.Everybodywelldressed.Champagneflowing.
Cocktailpianist.Avalon.SamesongplayingthatnightinVineyardHavenwithLillian
Waterfowl.Slippedoutofherbathingsuit.Nakedgoddess.Toreoffmyclotheswithherlong
nails.Ourtwobodiesstrainingwithdesire.Movedinonherlikeapanther.Aboutto
consummatepassion,whensuddenlymylegcramped.Leftcalf?No,right.Letoutpiercing
shriek,leapedoffher.Hoppedaroundroom,facecontortedwithpain.Whatstruckhersodamn
funny?Christ,thewomanwasdoubledupwithlaughter.Accusedmeofruiningthemoment.
Schlemiel,shecalledme,nudnik.Couldntruntothephonefastenoughtosharethestorywith
ourfriends.Letherrotwithherembezzlerhusband.Themantriestohidesixmilliondollarsin
smalldenominationsinhisshoe.

BringstomindHornblowevening.Haventthoughtofitinfifteenyears.WatchedEffluvia
Hornblowbakinginherkitchen.AsaHornblowintheotherroombombinatinghischumsabout

theRedSox.TheysplitadoubleheaderwiththeTigersthatday,takingtheopener,62,then
droppingthenightcap,40.Heardtheirvoices,goodoldboysarguingballsandstrikes.Benther
overthesinktolancemytonguebetweenhersmolderinglips.Suddenlynecktiecaughtinthe
Mixmaster.Switchjammed,wouldntturnoff.Pluginaccessiblebehindrefrigerator.Kept
snappingmyheadagainstthemarblebacksplash.RememberwitnessingbirthofthegreatCrab
Nebula.EmergencySquad.Takenawayinanambulance.Fortwoweekscouldspeakonlyin
rhymedcouplets,smiledoften,pluseverytenminutesgreasedmybodyforaChannelswim.
Hermstieitwas.Sixtynineninetyfive,andthatwasthen.

LookatMrs.Wasserfiendsittingthere,soelegant.BlackArmanidress,simplepearlsandthose
dramaticearringstwoJivaroshrunkenheadswiththeirlipssewntogether.Makesmethinkof
Grandma.AlwayssittingthereplayingcardswithGrandpa.Cheatedhimblind.Finallyhewent
blindinoneeyeandshecouldonlycheathalfofhim.Grandpaverybrilliant,spentfifteenyears
translatingAnnaKareninaintopigLatin.RememberthedayGrandpacollapsed,June8th,
6:16P.M.Misdiagnosedasdeadandembalmeddespitehisclearabilitytoshimmyandsing
RagMop.GrandmasoldthehouseanddevotedherlifetoservingGod.Appliedforsainthood
butwasturneddownbecauseshecouldntparallelpark.

PianistisplayingYouMadeMeLoveYou.RememberalwayshearingthatsongwhenMom
waspregnantwithme.Dadusedtosingittohimselfinthemirroralldaylong.RecallMom
givingbirthtomeinataxicab.Meterranfoureighty.CabbiewasIsraelMoscowitz.Talkative.
Referredtohiswifeasafatpotofkasha.Remembermyparentsexpectedtwins.Crushedwhen
therewasonlyoneofme.Couldntdealwithit.Firstfewyearsdressedmeastwins.Twohats,
fourshoes.TothisdaytheystillinquireaboutChester.

Thankyouforawonderfulevening,Mrs.Wasserfiend.Oh,andthenameyouweretryingto
thinkofwhenwewerediscussingthelifeofEmilyDickinsonbeforewasBronkoNagurski.Out
oftherejustintime.CranialPopsstartingtowearoff.Still,noquestionIwasthehitoftheparty.
CameupwithGoudacheese.Lavasoap.GotLeoGorceyandJulienSorel.Managedtorecitethe
Philippicsverbatim.RecalledtheSchrafftsonFiftyseventhandThird.HummedMousie
Powellsthemesong.GotMenachemSchneerson,theSonsofthePioneers.GyptheBlood.
Now,wherethehelldidIparkmycar?

Over,Around,andThrough,YourHighness

DiningaloneattheIvy,inBeverlyHills,rendersasuitmightyvulnerable,especiallyifyou
happentobeonecanonizedwithsufficientjuicetogreenlightaproject.Thatswhywhenthe
waitermotoredoverandwhisperedthattheblondlittleamusebouchewhoseearIwasplanning
toblowintoovergumbohadphonedwithanonsetoftheramsIorderedaquicksaladand
submergedmyvisageprotectivelybehindacopyofTheHollywoodReporter.ScarcelyhadI
meldedintoanarticleaboutUniversaldickeringforthefilmrightstoMourningBecomes
ElectraonIcewhenIbecameawareofahyphenateshapednuageadumbratingmyrollbasket.
Glancingup,IcamevisviswiththecorpulentscrivenerslashdirectorwhomIdimly
recognizedasHughForcemeat,aweaverofthirtyfivemillimetrehallucinationsthatourstudio
hadtakenaflyerwithseveralyearsago,whenwehiredhimtopunchupPsychoticZombiesof
theMoon,oursequeltoBuddenbrooks.Morelately,Iknew,heddevolvedtotheBlist,
thankstoaseriesofscreenplaysthatresultedinproductshippeddirectlytoForestLawn.Nowhe
existedexclusivelyviaascholarshipgoodforfourBenjaminseveryTuesday,whichhecould
siphonsimplybyansweringthequestionsDidyouworklastweek?Didyoulookforwork?
JustthemanIwannasee,hesaid,swimmingintothevacantspaceatmyboothlikea
cuttlefish.

IfitsabouttheallmidgetremakeofShane,ourproductionplatesalittlefull,Isaid,
recallingatreatmentrecentlyfoldedintoatacoshellandsmuggledpastsecuritywithsome
Mexicantakeout.
No,no.Hewavedmeoff.WhatImheretopitchisafailsafelittleafflatusabsolutely
guaranteedtorackupboxofficenumeralsmeasurableonlythroughtheHubbletelescope.Iwas
goingtoproduceitmyselfatSundanceasanindieforfortythousandbucks,butIfiguredfor
anothersixtyeightmillionIcoulddoitunion.
Mindful,asaHollywoodexecutive,thatamegahitallowedtoslipthroughthefingerscould
resultinaseverancepackageconsistingexclusivelyofasinglecrystalofanthracite,Igranted
Forcemeatamomenttospinhiscontrivance.
Whatsthegreatestlovestoryofthetwentiethcentury?heasked,hiseyesablazeandso
bloodshottheycastapinkglowonmysweater.

Theressomany,Isuggested.AnythingfromScottandZeldatoJoeD.andMarilyn.Also
J.F.K.andJackie,nottomentionBonnieandClyde.
MayIjustthrowintheDukeandDuchessofWindsor?heasked,commandeeringmyPerrier
todowntwopillsofthesizeusedtodopethoroughbreds.
Jackpot!Iyelped.HerewasanideathatnotonlyhadOscarwrittenalloveritbutcouldrescue
thestudiofromtheBiblicalfloodofrubyinkirritatingourledgersfromepicslikeACretins
ChristmasandBrotherSebastiansJowls.IseeEdwardVIIIsmitten,Ienthused.The
agonizingdecisionofwhetherornottogiveupthethroneforanAmericandivorce.Ishisduty
tohiscountrymenortohisheart?OrderinganapkinwithacontractonitthattheIvykeepsfor
justsuchspontaneousbrainchildren,IfumbledformyMontblanc.Ihavethecopyline,I
squealed.Getthis:CupidVersustheCrown.
Exceptweregoingtoleaveallthatstuffout,Forcemeatsaid,looseningthecaponsome
organicnostrumhetotedandswiggingit.Butdontworry,boychick,thatsnottherealkernel
ofthestory.Hegropedforafewguacamolestainednotesinhispantspocket.Ivefabricated
sometwistsandpatterlimninganarrativethatwontsteponthetoesoftheothermogulswho
actuallyowntherightsandwouldnodoubtrespondwithwhatmylawyer,NolanContendere,
saysisaslamdunklegalaction.
Twists?Patter?Ibleated.
Lampthis,Forcemeatsaid,thrustinghispresentationintomyhands.
Ipeekeddownandread:
FADEIN:AhugemansioninBelgravia.Itslavishappointmentssuggestbreedingand
refinement.Thegrandmarblestaircasehungwithtapestries,thepricelessAubussoncarpets,the
collectionofTangandSungdynastyvasesgivetheplaceacozy,livedinlook.Weareinthe
piedterreoftheDukeandDuchessofWindsor.CameradolliesforwardtofindtheDuchess
bentoverthestove,recipeinhand,sautingsomemoney.TheDukeisrestinginthestudy,
havingjustbeenmeasuredbyhistailorforavicuaumbrella.
DUCHESS:Oh,darling,isntourlifeperfection?Eversinceyougavetwoweeksnoticeashead
honchoofWales,resultinginourscandalousnuptials,itsbeenanendlesscycleofyachting,
foxhunting,anddinnerengagements.Bytheway,ifHitlercalls,tellhimhecanfindthoseparty
favorshelikedatHarrods.

DUKE(glumly):Umm.Sure.

DUCHESS:Hey,whatisitwithyoulately,BlueEyes?Youvebeenawashinmelancholyfor
days.Donttellmeyouvenevercompletelygottenovertheendoftruffleseason?
DUKE(tappingacigarettegravelyonhisemeraldencrustedcase):Iwasatmyclubtheother
morningfressingupsomebelugawhenforsomereasonIhappenedtonoticethemembers
neckties.Theknotsthatinthepasthadalwaysseemedquiteadequatetomesuddenly,forsome
strangereason,appearedhowshallIputitrathermeagre.Itriedtocheckthebespokepaisley
Ihadon,toseeifmyownknotwasasinsubstantialandirrationallylacedastheirs,butnomatter
howfarIthrustmychinintomychestmynoseobstructedtheview.Distraught,Iboltedtothe
mirror,lookedbetweenthepointsofmycollar,andrealizedthatmylifewasasham.
DUCHESS:But,Edward,thefourinhandhasbeenthechoiceofEnglishgentlemensince
Hectorwasapup.IfImnotmistaken,directionsforitspropermakingareincludedinthe
MagnaCarter.
DUKE:Suddenlytheroombegantospin.Ibrokeintoasweatandtoreoffmynecktie,
whereupontwogentlemenliftedmeupbythearmsanddepositedmeonthecurb,asthedining
roomhasastrictdresscode.
DUCHESS:Hmm.Nowthatyoumentionit,IbelieveAdler,anassociateofFreuds,speaksof
thepanicthatsomemenexperiencewhentheunderstrandofthenecktiehangsdownlongerthan
thewiderouterstrand.Helinksittofearofcastration.

DUKE(muttering):Imustdevelopanewknot.Somethingfullerandmoresymmetrical.Euclid
muststudyEuclid...

I looked up from Forcemeats little inspiration and, divining where his

premise was heading, began to experience a slight stiffening in my spine not
unlike the sensation one gets from a dart tipped with curare.
I see by the dazed expression on your face that youre hooked, he said,
fixing me with the febrile intensity one sees in photos of the Mahdi. Jamming
page 2 into my hand, he exhorted me on.

CUT TO MONTHS LATER: A montage of the Duke at work fashioning a variety

of knots but without success. The Duchess, trying to busy herself, is
practicing the Watusi from a dance diagram laid on the floor.
DUKE: Im lost! Im lost! For a while I thought the problem resided in the
fabric, and so I cast aside all my silk and knit neckwear and had a few ties
custom-made of vulcanized rubber. But when I wore one the knot was so
bulbous that Jessica Mitford thought I had a goitre. I even employed a group
of Portuguese fishermen who hand-weave nets to fashion something for me,
but their cravat proved insufficiently stylish, although while strolling by the
Thames I did manage to catch four salmon.
DUCHESS: Albert Einstein phoned and said he could try to show you how to
make a bow tie, but since you have limited background in quantum
mechanics it probably would not come out. He suggested you try a clip-on,
and said that learning to use it would be simpler, especially with your skill in
sailing.
DUKE: Doesnt he know my religion forbids that? If I were to wear a clip-on I
couldnt be buried in a Christian cemetery.
Lowering the text, my hypothalamus engulfed by a tsunami of melatonin, I
sensed it was time to disengage. Snapping for the check, I began to bail. Im
a little late, I offered. A family of four is being embalmed on one of our
reality shows, and I have to check their makeup.
Forcemeat pleaded that I skim ahead to his climax, which he modestly
likened to the last act of King Lear.
Its a year later, he babbled, blocking my egress and grasping my lapels.
The Duke, excavating in Alexandria, comes upon a fragment of papyrus by
Isosceles, which gives him a clue to the shape of the knot hes been seeking.
Later, at the Dukes club, his hoity-toity chums are giving him the business.
This lump, says one, pointing to Edwards tie. This humongous triangle, this
Windsor knot He gives a big wink, and the joint goes up for grabs,
guffawing, except for one member, whos moved and writes a strong defense
of the Dukes tie. Of course, it is Bertrand Russell. P.S. I already spoke to Leo
DiCaprio about the role of Lord Russell, and he loves the idea, provided we
can shoot the whole picture at Caesars Palace. And now we fade to black

It was at this point that I, too, faded to black. While unconscious, I was told
afterward, two men in spotless white appeared, bearing extensive psychiatric

credentials and lepidopterology trapping equipment, and bundled Forcemeat

into a waiting van. Green-lighting a project like that would have led to too
many questions, like: Did you work this week? Did you look for work?

Pinchucks Law

TwentyyearsinthehomicidedivisionoftheN.Y.P.D.and,brother,youveseeneverything.
LikewhensomeWallStreetbrokerjulienneshislittlepetitfouroverwhogetstoworkthe
channelchanger,orthislovesickrabbidecidestoenditallbysaltinghisbeardwithanthraxand
inhaling.ThatswhywhensomeonereportedadeadbodyonRiversideDriveatEightythird
withnobulletholes,nostabwounds,andnosignsofstruggleIdidntfreaktosomefilmnoir
conclusionbutputitdowntooneofthethousandnaturalshockstheBardclaimsthefleshisheir
tobutdontaskmewhichone.
WhenanotherstiffturnedupinSoHotwodayslater,though,alsowithouttheleasttraceoffoul
play,andathirdlikewiseinCentralPark,IgotouttheDexedrineandtoldtheimmortalbeloved
Idbeworkinglateforawhile.

Itsamazing,mypartnerMikeSweeneysaidashestrungtheusualyellowbuntingaroundthe
crimescene.Mikeisabearofamanwhocouldeasilypassforabear,andhasinfactbeen
contactedbyzoostofillinwhentherealbearwasill.Thetabloidsaresayingitsaserialkiller.
Naturally,theserialkillersareclaimingbiasandthattheyrealwaysthefirstonesaccusedwhen
threeormorevictimsarekilledthesameway.Theydlikethenumberraisedtosix.
Illlevelwithyou,Mike,IveneverseenanythinglikethisoneandyouknowImtheguy
whocollaredtheAstrologyKiller.TheAstrologyKillerwasaviciousmaniacwholikedto
sneakupandbashpeoplesheadsinwhiletheywereyodelling.Hewastoughtonabbecause
therewassomuchsympathyforhim.
ItoldMiketocallmeifhecameupwithanysexycluesandIbeatitdowntothemorguetoask
SamDogstatter,ourcoroner,aboutpoison.SamandIgowaybacktowhenhewasayoung
coronerstartingoutandusedtoperformautopsiesatweddingsandsweetsixteens,forcigarette
money.

AtfirstIthoughtitmightbeatinydart,Samsaid.ItriedtocheckouteverybodyinNew
YorkCitywhoownedablowgun,butthetaskwasinsurmountable.Noonerealizeshalfthe
townsgotoneofthosesixfootJvarojobsandmostcitizenshavecarryingpermits.
IbroughtupthepossibilityoftheAmanitamushroom,whichcankillwithoutleavinganytrace,
butLoushotitdown.Therewasonlyonehealthfoodstorethatsoldreallydeadlymushrooms,
butitstoppedyearsagowhenitturnedouttheywerentorganicallygrown.
IthankedSamandputinacalltoLouWatson,whowasexcitedbecausehedgottenaverygood
setoffingerprintsatthecrimescene,whichheinstantlytradedtoanotherprecinctforarareset
ofEnricoCarusosthatwerequitevaluable.Lousaidthelabhadcomeupwithahair.Theyhad
alsocomeupwithabaldspot.Thehairunfortunatelymatchedaneightyearoldkidsandthe
baldspotwastracedtoarowofninemeninthefrontrowofagirlieshow,whoallhadairtight
alibis.
Downatheadquarters,IchattedwithBenRogers,mymentorandthemanwhosolvedthe
YuppieRestaurantMurderCase,wherethevictimswereshotandthenlightlydustedwithlime
andfreshmint.Benhadwaitedtillthekillerranoutoffreshmintandwasforcedtousechopped
walnuts,whichweretraceablebytheirserialnumbers.
Tellmeaboutthevictims,Isaid.Didtheyhaveanyenemies?
Sure,theyhadenemies,Bensaid,buttheirenemieswereallatMarALago,inPalmBeach.
TherewasabigEnemiesConventionandpracticallyeveryenemyontheEastCoastattended.
IhadjustleftBentograbasandwichwhenIgotwordthatahotoffthegriddlestiffhadturned
upinaDumpsteronEastSeventysecondStreet.ThistimethepristinecorpsewasRicky
Weems,ayoungactorwhospecializedinsensitiverebelsandwasthestaroftheTVmedical
soapoperaWhenaMoleDarkens.Onlythistimeahomelessladycaughttheaction.Wanda
Bushkin,whodonceslepteverynightinacartonontheLowerEastSide,hadrecentlymovedto
acartononParkAvenue.Atfirst,sheworriedthatshewouldntgetboardapproval,butwhen
hernetworthwasshowntobeabovefourdollarsandthirtycentsshewasacceptedatthemore
desirablebox.
Bushkincouldntsleeponthenightinquestion,andcaughtsightofamanwhodroveupinared
Hummer,tossedabody,andspedaway.Atfirst,shedidntwanttogetinvolvedbecauseshehad
onceidentifiedacriminalwhothenbrokeoffhisengagementtoher.Thistime,shedescribedthe
suspecttooursketchartist,HowardInchcape,butInchcape,inafitoftemperament,refusedto
dothepictureunlessthesuspectwouldcomeinandsitforit.

IwastryingtoreasonwithInchcapewhenmymindsuddenlytwiggedonB.J.Sygmnd,the
psychic.SygmndwasapoorAustrianwhodlostallthevowelsinhisnameinaboating
accident.In1993,IhadusedSygmndtofindacatburglar,whomherathermiraculouslypicked
outfromalmostahundredstrays.Iwatchednowwhilehepokedaroundatthevictims
belongingsandthenwentintosomekindoftrance.Hiseyeballswidenedandhestartedtospeak
butthevoicethatcamefromhimwasthatofToshiroMifune.HesaidthemanIwaslookingfor
employedNovocainandworkedwithdrillsonmolarsandbicuspids,andhemightevenbeable
topinpointtheprofessionbutheneededaOuijaboard.
AquickcomputercheckcorroboratedthatallthevictimswerepatientsofthesameD.D.S.,andI
knewIdhitpaydirt.AnesthetizingmyselfwithfourfingersofJohnnieWalker,IusedaSwiss
Armyknifetopryoutthesilveramalgaminlowerseven,andthenextmorningsatopenmouthed
whileDr.PaulW.Pinchuckworkedonmycavity.
Thiswonttakelong,hesaid.AlthoughifyouhavealittletimeIshouldalsodothetooth
nexttoit.Imsurprisedithasntgivenyouanytrouble.Yourenotmissinganythingoutside
today,anyhow.Canyoubelievethisweather?Aprilsetarecordforrainfall.Itsthisglobal
warmingthing.Becausetoomanypeopleuseairconditioners.Idontneedone.Wherewelive
yousleepwiththewindowopeneveninthehottestweather.Ihaveagoodmetabolismthatway.
Mywife,too.Bothourbodiesadjustwell.Becausewereverycarefulaboutwhatweeat.No
marbleizedmeat,nottoomuchdairyplusIexercise.Ipreferthetreadmill.Miriamlikesthe
StairMaster.Andweverymuchenjoyswimming.WehaveahouseoutinSagaponack.Miriam
andIusuallybegintakingtheweekends,thestartofApril,outintheHamptons.Welove
Sagaponack.Therespeopleifyouwanttosocializebutyoucanalsokeeptoyourself.Imnota
bigsocialperson.Weliketoread,mostly,andshedoesorigami.Weusedtohaveaplacein
Tappan.TheresafewdifferentwaystogobutIusuallytakeI95.Itsahalfhour.Wepreferthe
beach,though.Wejustputinanewroof.Icouldntbelievetheestimate.MyGod,those
contractorsgetyoueverywhichway.Look,itslikeanythingelseyougetwhatyoupayfor.I
tellmykidstherearenobargainsinthislife.Theresnofreelunch.Wehavethreeboys.Seth
willbebarmitzvahedinJune.
IbegantofeelmyselfgaspingforairasPinchucksdrillcutthroughmyenamelandIfoughtthe
onsetofCheyneStokesbreathing.Isensedmyvitalsignswereebbing,andIknewIwasin
troublewhenmylifebegantopassbeforemyeyesandmyfatherwasbeingplayedbyDame
Edna.
FourdayslaterIawokeintheintensivecareunitatColumbiaPresbyterian.
ThankGodyouremadeofiron,MikeSweeneysaid,leaningovermybed.
Whathappened?Iqueried.

Youwereverylucky,Mikesaid.Justasyoulostconsciousness,aMrs.FayNoseworthyburst
intoPinchucksofficewithadentalemergency.ShewasanF.W.I.:FlossingWhileIntoxicated.
Apparentlyitcausedhertemporarycrownstoslipoutandsheswallowedthem.Whenyouhit
theflooratPinchucks,shebeganscreaming.Pinchuckpanickedandmadearunforit.
Fortunately,ourSWATteamgottherejustintime.
Pinchuckran?Butheseemedjustlikeanyregulardentist.Heworkedonmyteethandchatted.
Rightnow,yougetsomerest,Mikesaid,flashinghisMonaLisasmile,whichSothebyshad
claimedwasaforgery.Illexplainitallwhenyoureuponyourfeet.

Incaseyourewonderingwherethislittlehomicidetalegoes,keepwatchingthebackpagesfor
newsoutofAlbany,wherethelegislaturewillbetakingupthebillthatwillleadtoPinchucks
Law,whichmakesitafelonyforanydentisttoendangerthelifeofapatientbyrelentless
conversationorbysayinganythingotherthanOpenwideorPleaserinsewithoutaprior
courtorder.

SurpriseRocksDisneyTrial

TheWaltDisneyCompanyshareholdersuitovertheseverancepackagepaidtodeparting
presidentMichaelOvitzwasjoltedtodaybythetestimonyofanunexpectedwitness,whowas
questionedbycounselfortheentertainmentgiant.
Counsel:Willthewitnesspleasestatehisname.

Witness:MickeyMouse.
C:Pleasetellthecourtyouroccupation.
W:Animatedrodent.
C:WereyoufriendlywithMichaelEisner?

W:Iwouldntsayfriendlywehaddinnertogetheranumberoftimes.Onceheandhiswifehad
Minnieandmetotheirhouse.
C:Didyoueverdiscussbusinesswithhim?
W:IwaspresentatabreakfastbetweenMr.Eisner,RoyDisney,Pluto,andGoofy.
C:Wherewasthisbreakfast?
W:AttheBeverlyHillsHotel.
C:Werethereanyotherwitnesses?
W:StevenSpielbergstoppedatourtabletosayhellooh,andDaffyDuck.
C:YoureacquaintedwithDaffyDuck?
W:DaffyDuckandIhadmetatadinneratSueMengershomesomemonthsbackandhad
becomefriendly.
C:ItakeitMr.EisnerdidnotapproveofthisrelationshipwithDaffyDuck?
W:Wequarrelledoveritseveraltimes.
C:Whatfinallyhappened?
W:IeventuallystoppedseeingDaffywhenhebecameaScientologist.
C:Idirectyoubacktothebreakfast.Doyourecallwhatwasdiscussed?
W:Mr.EisnersaidthatheplannedtohireMichaelOvitz,theheadofC.A.A.
C:Howdidyoufeelaboutthat?
W:Iwassurprised,butPlutotookthenewsharder.Heseemeddespondent.
C:Whydespondent?
W:HewasworriedbecauseMr.OvitzhadamuchcloserrelationshipwithGoofy,andPlutofelt
hisscreentimemightbereduced.

C:SoyouwereawareofaspecialrelationshipbetweenMr.OvitzandGoofy?
W:IknewthatwhenMr.OvitzwasanagenthehadcourtedGoofy,andifImnotmistakenthe
twosharedahousetogetherinAspen.
C:Didtherecomeatimewhentheybecamecloser?
W:Mr.OvitzstoodbyGoofywhenhewasbustedinMalibu.
C:IsittrueGoofyhadadrugproblem?
W:HewasaddictedtoPercodan.
C:Howlonghadthatbeengoingon?
W:Goofywentonpainkillersafteraflophetookinacartoon.HeparachutedofftheEmpire
StateBuildingwithanumbrellaandhurthisback.
C:And?
W:Mr.OvitzwasresponsibleforgettingGoofyintotheBettyFordCenter.
C:DidyouevertellMr.EisnerofyourapprehensionsoverhisplantohireMr.Ovitz?
W:MinnieandIdiscussedit.Weknewtheydclash.
C:Didyoubringitupwithanyonebesidesyourwife?
W:Dumbo,BambiIreallycantremember.Oh,yesJiminyCricket,onetimeatBarbra
Streisandshouse.ShethrewapartyforJiminywhenheboughthisplaceinTrancas.
C:Andwasanythingconcluded?
W:DumbofeltthatDonaldDuckshouldtalktoMr.EisneraboutourconcernsbecauseMr.
EisneralwaysseemedtolistentoDonald.Asheputit,Donaldwasoneofthedeepestducks
hedevermet.ThetwospentalotoftimetogetherinDonaldspond.
C:Andwastherelationshipreciprocal?
W:Oh,yes.DonaldlivedatMr.EisnershomeforsixmonthswhenheandDaisyDuckwere
separated.DonaldhadbeenhavinganaffairwithPetuniaPig,Porkysgirlfriend.Itwasanono

atDisneytosocializewithcreaturesfromacompetingstudio,butinDonaldscaseMr.Eisner
chosetolooktheotherway,whichupsettheshareholders.
C:Thiswastheaffairyoureferredtoinyourdeposition?
W:Yes.MymemoryshazyonthisbutIthinkDonaldwasintroducedtoPetuniaPigatthe
homeofJeffreyKatzenberg.
C:Youwerepresent?
W:Yesmyself,TomCruise,TomHanks,JackNicholson.IbelieveSeanPenn,WileE.
Coyote,theRoadrunner
C:TomandJerry?
W:No,theywereatestthatweekend.
C:ItwassixmonthslaterwhenMr.KatzenbergandMr.Eisnerbecameinvolvedinalawsuit.
Doyourecallthosedetails?
W:IthadtodowithMr.EisnerpromisingstockoptionstoBugsBunnyifhewouldcometo
workatDisney.
C:AnddidBugs?
W:No.Bugsishisownman.Atthattimehewantedtotakeayearofftowriteanovel.
C:Gettingbacktothepartydoyourecallwhathappenednext?
W:Yes.DonaldDuckgotdrunkandmadeapassatNicoleKidman.Itwasextremely
embarrassingbecauseatthetimesheandTomCruisewerestillmarried.Donaldwasrather
hostiletoTom,Irecall,andfeltTomwasbeingofferedalltheroleshewanted.IrecallMr.
EisneratthatpartytakingDonaldoutsidetocalmhimdown.

C:Doyourecallwhathappenednext?
W:OnthelawnofMr.KatzenbergshouseDonaldmetPetuniaPig.Hefoundherverybeautiful
andveryexcitingandIknowtheylikedalotofthesamemusicgroups.AndDonaldalwayshad
aproblemwithangermanagement.HehadbeenonProzacforyearsbecausehedbecome

convincedhiscareerhadtankedandsoonhewouldwinduponaCantonesemenu.DespiteMr.
Eisnersadvice,DonaldbeganseeingPorkysgirlfriendonthesly.
C:Tothebestofyourknowledge,howlongdidtheaffaircontinue?
W:Foraboutayear.PetuniatoldDonaldshecouldntkeepseeinghimbecauseshedfallen
deeplyinlovewithWarrenBeattyandhewithher.Ifyourecall,WarrentookhertotheCannes
FilmFestival.
C:DidtherecomeatimewhenDaisyDuckthrewDonaldout?
W:Yes,andMr.EisnertookhiminandlethimliveathishousetillDonaldandDaisyfinally
agreedthattheydlivetogetheragainbuthaveanopenrelationshipsexually.
C:So,tothebestofyourrecollection,didanyoneatallevertellMr.Eisneritmightnotbea
goodideatohireMr.Ovitz?
W:ThenightoftheAcademyAwardsIbroughtituptoPinocchiobuthedidntwanttoget
involved.
C:AndsoyouresayingneitherPinocchionoranyoneelsewarnedMr.EisnerthatheandMr.
Ovitzmightbeanincompatiblematch.
W:Tothebestofmyknowledge,thatscorrect.
C:AndwhenthejobdidntworkoutthesubjectcameupofMr.Ovitzsseverancepackagethe
hundredandfortymilliondollarpayment?DidMr.Ovitzeverfeelitwasexcessive?
W:IjustknowthatJiminyCricketwasoftenperchedonMr.Ovitzsshoulderandadvisedhim
toalwayslethisconsciencebehisguide.
C:And?
W:Therestishistory.

C:Yourwitness.