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INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Avoidance Is Not Always the Answer

Chloe Babb
Communications 1010

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Many people choose to avoid a conflict rather than deal with it. This is part of a natural
fight or flight instinct we all possess. It can be difficult to figure out when it is appropriate to
avoid and when it is not. I avoid all of my problems, this normally has not affected me but in my
relationship it has proved to be a real problem. If there is a conflict I avoid it and ignore the
source. I want to create a healthy plan on when and when not to avoid a situation. Also, I want to
make sure I understand the effect my avoidance has on other people especially in my
relationship.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Avoiding is a common reaction to conflict. So common it is categorized in the flight or
fight instinct. Some people choose to avoid a situation rather than confronting it. There are
benefits to avoiding conflict, such as avoiding a bigger conflict or argument, or some people
would rather be alone to think about and work through the conflict rather than confront it. So this
begs the question when is avoiding not okay? The answer can be hard to figure out. It depends on
a lot of factors such as the how the receiver interprets your avoidance, and how severe the
conflict is. I avoid conflict at all costs. I tend to ignore the line that separates when it is okay to
avoid a situation and when it is not. I see this mainly in my current romantic relationship. If any
conflict arises my significant other wants to talk it out, but I would rather avoid the conflict
altogether. This often turns into me ignoring my boyfriend if he is the source of conflict.
Unfortunately, all relationships have conflict. I cannot always avoid the conflict, and by doing so
further drives me and my boyfriend apart.
My plan to fix this problem is by first deciding when it is okay to avoid a situation and
when it is not. Adler, Elmhorst, and Lucas (2013) believe that avoiding is okay when an issue is
genuinely trivial, when there is no chance of winning the conflict, or to let others cool down and
get a new perspective. In relationships it is common to get upset over trivial things. Many people
have probably heard the age-old argument you forgot to put the toilet seat down! In these types
of trivial situations, it is not always necessary to confront it and can sometimes be better to avoid
it. Even more commonly in relationships the argument can get so heated that it is better to avoid
it temporarily and let each other cool off and think clearly. Unfortunately, avoiding is seen as
normally a short term solution. As avoiding continues it has some negative effects, avoidance
has unacceptable costs: You lose self-respect, you become frustrated, and the problem may only

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
get worse (Alder, Elmhorst, Lucas, 2013, p. 127). Avoiding can have some serious negative
effects. These effects can end up being long term in a relationship.
Mark Knapp, who is greatly known for his research in nonverbal communication, made a
relationship model that shows the steps to commitment and the steps to dissolution. His map
shows how damaging avoiding can really be in a relationship. In his model he has five steps to
dissolution. Avoidance is the fourth step to dissolution. This is the step right before termination
of the relationship. This goes to show that avoidance is very serious in a relationship and has
some harmful effects. Knapp is not the only one who thinks so either. John Gottman, who is
known for his work in martial stability and divorce predictions, believes that avoidance is one of
the biggest signs leading towards divorce. Avoidance can make your significant other feel
insignificant. By refusing to talk about a conflict it builds a bigger wall between the two partners.
It starts by keeping them emotionally separated, and eventually physically separated. Sadly,
separation generally leads to dissolution.
I have witnessed the harmful effects my avoidance has on my relationship. I see how
much it can hurt the receiver. Nonverbal communication is very important and can often tell
more than verbal communication. Avoidance sends off a number of messages nonverbally. It can
make the receiver feel insignificant or unwanted. Avoidance tends to send a message of
indifference and that indifference can really hurt the receiver. Through learning about this in
class I have realized it is time to make a change or risk ruining my relationship. My plan from
now on, is to communicate with my boyfriend how I am feeling and how I feel about the
conflict. Instead of ignoring or avoiding my boyfriend with no warning, I plan on expressing my
need for time apart or to not talk about the conflict for a while. I believe this will greatly help my

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
relationship because there can be more communication between us, rather than being isolated in
a conflict.
Avoiding is a common reaction to conflict but it is obvious that it is not always the
answer. Avoiding has short term benefits, but can harm a relationship long term. One of my flaws
in my relationship is avoiding conflict. By learning about the harmful effects avoiding has it is
clear I have to make a change in my communication style. I believe avoiding conflict less in my
relationship can help better the relationship and improve our communication. It is time for me to
learn how to communicate with my significant other proactively.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
References
Adler, R., Elmhorst, J., Lucas, K. (2013). Communicating at work. N/A: The McGraw-Hill
Companies, Inc.
Knapps Relationship Model (n.d). Retrieved from http://communicationtheory.org/knappsrelationship-model/
Gottman, J. (1994). What predicts divorce? New York, NY: Psychology Press.