*Let's improve our writing by writing more in English.

From: *** <***>

To: nuha <nuhazyun@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2012 6:01 PM
Subject: Re:

Teacher, this is an essay done by me just now. Guided writing, PMR 2010
Last Friday, Rahim was on his way to school. He can hear the birds chirping along with
cold fresh air and it was a sunny day. Suddenly, Rahim bumped into a bag. He was
suspicious. But he wasnt brave enough to open it up. However, after a few minutes,
Rahim finally have the courage to see whats inside the bag.
To his surprise, the bag contained a lot of money! He looked around to see if it is
someone's belonging. Unfortunately, he can only see nobody. Rahim knew he was late
for school. But at the same time, he's eager to know the truth. He was determined to
send the bag to the police station.
There, the policeman praised and thanked him for helping. The policeman said he will
investigate what's the money all about. He told Rahim to go back home and rest his
mind. The policeman said he will inform Rahim if there's any news.
Rahim continued his walk to school. It was 9 o'clock in the morning when he finally
arrived at school. The principal, Encik Ahmad asked him why he came late. Rahim
explained everything very carefully to the principal. Encik Ahmad didnt believe him. The
principal was very angry and said it was all an excuses made by Rahim to escape from
getting any warning. He told Rahim to go back to his class and meet him at the
discipline room during recess.
At 10 o'clock, Rahim quickly went to the discipline's room. He was afraid but he need to
face the reality at the same time. As Rahim came into the principal's room, he saw a
familiar face sitting opposite the principal. It was the policeman he met at the police
station earlier this morning. The policeman said he explained everything to the principal,
Encik Ahmad. Encik Ahmad understood everything apologized to Rahim. The policeman
informed Rahim that the money he found in the bag has something to do with a robbery
that happened few days ago. He thanked Rahim again for his cooperation. Rahim was
ecstatic that he helped a policeman.
Corrected essay:
Essay (words in red indicate corrections)

Comments
A narrative /
story must be
written in past

tense.
Last Friday, Rahim was on his way to school.
He can could1 hear the birds chirpingalong with in the
cold fresh air and it was a sunny day. Suddenly,
Rahim bumped into2 sawa bag. He was suspicious. But
he wasnt3 was not brave enough to open it up.
However, after a few minutes, Rahim
finally have hadthe courage to see whats what
was inside the bag.
To his surprise, the bag contained a lot of
money! He looked around to see if it iswas someone's
belonging. Unfortunately, hecan could only see nobody.
Rahim knew he was late for school. But at the same
time,he's he was eager to know the truth. He was
determined to send the bag to the police station.
There At the police station, the policeman
praised and thanked him for helping. The policeman
said he will would4 investigatewhat's what was the
money all about. He told Rahim to go back home and
rest his mind. The policeman said he will would inform
Rahim ifthere's there were any news.
Rahim continued his walk to school. It was 9
o'clock in the morning when he finally arrived at
school. The principal, Encik Ahmad asked him why he
came late. Rahim explained everything very carefully
to the principal. Encik Ahmad didnt did not believe
him. The principal was very angry and said it was
all anexcuses made by Rahim to escape from getting
any warning5. He told Rahim to go back to his class
and meet him at the discipline room during recess.
At 10 o'clock, Rahim quickly went to the
discipline's room. He was afraid but heneed needed to
face the reality at the same time. As Rahim came into
the principal's room, he saw a familiar face sitting
opposite the principal. It was the policeman he met at
the police station earlier this morning. The policeman
said he had explained everything to the principal, Encik
Ahmad. Encik Ahmad understood
everything and apologized to Rahim. The policeman

could is the past

tense for can
1

bumped into
means crashed
into
2

saw = noticed /
caught a glimpse of
For exam
purpose, do not use
contractions like
wasnt / Im / Its in
an essay except in
informal letters /
dialogues.
3

would is the
past tense for will
4

maybe the word

warning can be
replaced with
punishment
5

Good expressions:
- suspicious
- determined
- ecstatic

informed Rahim that the money he found in the

bag has had something to do with a robbery that
happened few days ago. He thanked Rahim again for
his cooperation. Rahim was ecstatic that he hadhelped
a policeman.
Band / Mark C-14
How to improve marks:
1. Do not mix present tense and past tense in your essay. A narrative
essay should be written mostly in past tense.
2. To make your essay outstanding, use more interesting expressions like
idioms, similes and bombastic words.
3. For examination purpose, do not use contractions like wasn't, it's, I'm
and etc in your essay. Spell in full - was not, I am, it is and etc.
However, you may use contractions in informal letters and dialogues.
All the best!
Picture source: http://www.themindofgame.com

Sunday, Sept