1.

KILLER SET
KEVIN FITZGERALD takes the stage as host and introduces the
producer DEREK TOOMBS.
Derek welcomes them to the show, he explains that he cannot
pay the comics but would like to have them come to the
stage so he can buy them a round of drinks to kick off the
show.
DAN, CRAIG, IZZY and come to the stage. DARREN rushes up
apologizing for being stuck in traffic and offers to grab
the beers so the waitress doesnt have to. He comes back
with a variety of beers. The other comics make a big deal
of saving the Newcastle for Kevin because its his
favorite.
The producer wishes them a great show, they toast and leave
the stage.
Several minutes later he lights go down and the Jokers wild
intro plays as lasers flash the stage. Kevin is introduced
as having won the Funniest Comic in America contest
recently.
The lights come up and Kevin sits slouched on the stool
against the wall, not moving.
The producer takes the stage and tries to wake him up,
assuming hes drunk.
DEREK
Guys get him out of here this is
terrible for business! Get him
some water
The other comics carry the host away.
DEREK
Ladies and gentlemen I want to
thank you all for coming out
tonight to support live comedy
CRAIG
(yells off stage)
homeboy's dead!
DEREK
Live until recently. DEAD?! You
sure?

2.

DAN
Positive. We put shaving cream
in his hand and tickled his
nose, we drew a dick on his
face, we did everything we could
DEREK
The important thing is that we
all remain calm and remember
that tonights tickets are
nonrefundable. In fact lets
write on the chalkboard outside
that tickets are now 25% off.
Its what steveKevin!

ALL COMICS

DEREK
Kevin would have wanted. Were
going to continue with the show
for him. Besides, nobodys going
anywhere. I believe we may all
be witnesses to a murder.
DEREK
The show must go on. Everyone
sit back, drink up and try to
take your mind off of all this.
But also in the back of your
mind be aware that there is
someone in the room who is
capable of murder and has
already succeed with one of us
and is hiding in plain sight.
Speaking of which can we cut the
house lights.
Lights go down
DEREK
This next comic was also a
participant in the contest,
coming in second place just
after or dearly departed Frank
Kevin!

ALL COMICS

DEREK
Kevin. While being careful not
to be the next victim, give it
up for the second Funniest Comic
in America, Darren !

3.

DARREN DOES 5 MINUTE SET

Darren stays up as Derek and Izzy take the stage.
DEREK
I think the best way to solve
this murder while also not
issuing refunds is to solve it
ourselves. You guys ready to
solve a murder? Come on I didnt
ask if you guys wanted to solve
a crossword, are yall ready to
solve a MURDER?!
DARREN
Cool. Where to start? Does the
club have a camera system?
DEREK
Yes but only in the ladies room,
that wont be any help. I had
Izzy look at the body because
she's an insurance agent.
DARREN
Oh I can see how that makes zero
sense
DEREK
Izzy you look at auto physical
damage, same difference. You're
practically a doctor.
IZZY
practically a doctor? I just
take bribes from firestone
DEREK
What is your appraisal now that
you've had a look at him?
IZZY
Fine. Well you never pay us so
it's clearly not Workers
Compensation Fraud.
DEREK
can confirm: not paying you
IZZY
aside from shaving cream in his
left hand and a permanent marker
penis on his face there didnt
seem to be any foul play.

4.

classic

DARREN

DEREK
always good for a laugh
DARREN
Thats it! He died of laughter.
Someone must have told him a
joke before the show.
DEREK
A joke that KILLED
Darren makes Thunder sound
DEREK
We just need to find the
comedian who has a KILLER SET
Darren makes Thunder sound
IZZY
Are you mentally challenged? I'm
actually asking, as practically
a doctor.
DEREK
No. I am DEAD SERIOUS
Darren makes Thunder sound
IZZY
Nope. Doesnt happen. The last
people to die of laughter were
the weasels on Rodger Rabbit.
oh

DEREK

IZZY
More likely he was poisoned.
DEREK
That does make more sense
Derek introduces Izzy's set
IZZY FURLO DOES 5 MIN SET
Derek and CRAIG join Izzy on stage. Craig is carrying a
Jacket

5.

DEREK
Our first piece of evidence!
CRAIG
This is Dans jacket. He let me
borrow it. Chivalrous fuck
They inspect the jacket and find ASHES on the collar. In
the pockets are a BUSINESS CARD with blood covering the
name and a torn off BEER LABEL.
DEREK
Any of this mean anything to
you?
CRAIG
Dan didnt smoke so those ashes
must be the killer's. Wait dont
you smoke?
DEREK
Ive been meaning to quit.
CRAIG
You killed him you sunnuva
bitch! He leant me his jacket,
how could you?
Craig attacks Derek
IZZY
Derek, take this to defend
yourself with! He's nuts!
She hands him the mic stand
IZZY
Craig, take this to beat him
with! That piece of garbage!
She hands Craig the stool
DEREK
It couldnt have been me I was
on stage!
CRAIG
Wait I was on stage too!
DEREK
Oh thats right. Man were dumb.
CRAIG
Were dumb as shit

6.

Derek introduces Craig's Set

CRAIG TAYLOR DOES 10-12 MINUTES
Derek returns to the stage with Dan
DEREK
Help me out here Dan, Im paying
you.
Are you?

DAN

DEREK
I am if you can help me prove
Im not the murderer.
DAN
Easy. I saw Dan smoking, right
before the show. That explains
the ashes
DEREK
I thought he didnt smoke
DAN
Not many people know this but he
will bum a smoke when he is
really nervous. You remember the
contest him and Darren won?
DEREK
Well Kevin won, Darren was just
second.
DARREN
(off stage)
Thanks!
DAN
Kevin smoked right before the
contest because he was so
nervous. I know because he asked
me and I lied and told him it
was my last one.
DEREK
So he was nervous. Jeez the
killer is still in here, its
making me nervous. Let me bum
one?

7.

DAN
Sorry I'm down to my last one.
What did Kevin have to be
nervous about tonight? its just
some bullshit Thursday show...
Seriously

DEREK

Derek looks at the audience

DEREK
Featuring the best comedy in New
Haven. Speaking of which, are
you guys ready for your next
comedian!?...
DAN RICE DOES 10-12 MINUTE SET
Dan remains on stage as the rest of the comics return
CRAIG
Any more proof that Derek is the
killer?
DEREK
I actually did a little
detective work on my own before
the show even started?
Do tell

DARREN

DEREK
I tried the newest menu item,
that new burger they make? Well
afterwards I just had to know
what made it so good. I mean the
kick this thing had, savory but
so sweet too
IZZY
And to think we almost called a
real detective
DEREK
No listen. It turns out what
makes the burger taste so
different is a Chili Chutney
they make in-house.
Watch this

DEREK

8.

Derek picks up the bloodied business card and licks off the
blood
DEREK
Yep. Chili Chutney
DAN
Youre telling me he ate so many
of those burgers his blood has
chilli?!
DEREK
No. Im not telling you that. It
means he got this business card
while eating the new burger so
he must have gotten it tonight
before the show.
Craig looks at the card
CRAIG
who the shit is Amy Sage
DEREK
Shes talent agent according to
this
DAN
So thats why he was nervous
DARREN
Well where is she?
Derek calls the number on the business card.
DEREK
Hello is this Amy Sage of the
Amy Sage talent agency? Uh huh
DEREK
But why did you leave right
after we found him dead? Thats
awfully suspicious.
Oh ok yes I totally understand,
it really is a piss poor lineup
without Kevin.
The other comics stare at Derek

9.

DEREK
Really? Thats terrible news.
Im so sorry to hear that well I
hope things work out better in
the future.
Derek hangs up the phone.
DEREK
Shes got no choice but to
represent you Darren. Since
youre second
Thanks.

DARREN

DEREK
Wait a minute, you must be the
killer! Darren offed Kevin since
he knew nobody would ever
represent him in a million years
if they could get Kevin instead
DARREN
Thanks. It wasnt me though. I
showed up late remember? I had
no idea there was an agent here,
only Kevin did since she was
here to try to represent him.
CRAIG
Why would Kevin die tonight? The
night he could have got an
agent? Thats such a bad move.
IZZY
He was murdered
CRAIG
Thats an even worse move!
DARREN
Who would consider killing Kevin
a good move?
They all look at Derek
DEREK
Don't look at me. Without Kevin
I've got no show, who wants to
come see a bunch of...
They move in closer to him

10.

DAN
Everyone knows if Kevin got an
agent you wouldn't be able to
afford to book him.
DEREK
Are you kidding. Ive only ever
wanted the best for him
DAN
You just want him to sell out
your shows.
IZZY
You cant even remember his
name.
DEREK
I can now. Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
Darren picks up the beer label.
DARREN
You were the one who insisted we
all have a drink before the
show. You knew you could count
on him to drink his favorite
beer so you poisoned it.
DEREK
Oh come on how could I remember
his favorite beer, I cant even
remember his name. Steve? Billy?
IZZY
As an insurance agent, it is my
professional opinion that you
murdered him
CRAIG
you sunnuva bitch!
they all close in on Derek
DEREK
ok enough is enough. This is
ridiculous, show's over. Cut the
lights!
The lights go out. A scuffle is heard.
Lights come back on.

11.

Everyone is crowded together, each holding some sort of

weapon. They spread apart to reveal Derek has been killed.
COMICS
well shit. etc.
DARREN
well at least we know we got the
guy who killed ke- oh crap!
Kevin ambles from the wings onto the stage, beer in hand.
Dan and Craig hold Derek up by the shoulders to make him
look alive.
KEVIN
my tolerance isn't what it used
to be
IZZY
your poison tolerance?
KEVIN
no, alcohol. I don't know if it
was the one you bought me or the
nine before that but man I was
out
DAN
you were out?!
KEVIN
well we gonna start this show or
what?
COMICS
Yeah. Sure. Etc
Dan and Craig carry Derek over to the microphone. Izzy cups
her hands around her mouth and yells into the microphone
doing her best manly voice.
IZZY
(being Derek)
Ladies and gentlemen are you
ready for your headliner this
evening?!
Oh come on you can do better
than that
Darren raises Derek's arm to prompt the audience to be
louder

12.

IZZY
(being Derek)
Give it up for Kevin Fitzgerald!
Darren makes Derek shake Kevin's hand as they leave the
stage
KEVIN FITZGERALD 25 MINUTE SET
KEVIN
My name is Kevin Fitzgerald
you've been a great audience.
Let's get everyone back, this
rounds on me!
The comics return to the stage and prop Derek up on the
stool. They all stand to block Kevin from seeing him
They shake hands and congratulate Kevin on a great set when
suddenly Derek falls off the stool.
KEVIN
Oh my god he's dead. nobody go
anywhere. I believe we may all
be witnesses to a murder.
tense silence.
CRAIG
how about that round of drinks?
Yeah!

COMICS

At the mention of drinks Kevin loses his train of thought

and they all cheer and laugh as they head to the wings.
Lights go dark. The end
After a moment lights will come back on and the comics will
get a curtain call

13.