Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Phép thuật kỳ diệu
Phép thuật kỳ diệu
Vva 4
V-va tnh dy thy b m ang lm vic. V-va hi:
- B ang lm g y?
- Tao ang cho -t vo ga-ra
- Cho -t ca con vo vi!
- Cn lu, b my cn phi hai ci bnh xe ngoi na l cho -t ca my
vo!
Hi tho quc t
Va thy bc hng xm ra khi nh, hn lin ln vo lm tr chim chut vi v
bc ta. Hai a ang mi my ma th nghe ting chn bc ta quay tr li. Ht
hn hn chng kp mc qun o, nhy o qua ca s. Nhng cht hn nh ra cn
h ny trn tng th 13, nn hn cn kp bm vo lan can v ch. Nhng tht
khng may cho hn, ln ny bc hng xm hnh nh khng c nh ra khi nh
ngay. Nhng bit lm th no, hn nh ch tip. Tay mi lm ri, hn c
cm gic hn s ri sau vi giy na. Hn cm thy hi hn, hi hn thc s v
vic lm v cu xin Thng r lng thng. Thng thy hn n nn
cng rng lng vi hn v lin sai mt Thin Thn n gip. Thin Thn gh
st tai hn v ni kh: "mi hy nhm mt li v nh 3 ci R. th ngi mi s
nh nh lng hng, lc y mi ri xung t cng khng sao". Hn lin nhn mt
v lm c mt ci. Ci th hai kh hn nhng hn cng lm c sau na
pht c gng. Hn ang nhn nh, vn mnh lm nt ci th ba th bng c
mt bn tay p nh vo vai v mt ging ni nghe thoang thong bn tai: " ny
Ivan, ngi trn gh ch tch on, ng lm th bt tin qu".
Ci chnh
Mt t bo ca Php ng tin: "50 phn trm Quc hi Php v hc!". Nhn
c phn i rm r t pha Quc hi, ngy hm sau cng t ny ci chnh li:
"50 phn trm Quc hi Php ... c hc!"
V va chn ngh
Ln ln, V-va quyt nh khng chn ngh bc s tr ri lon tnh dc na m
i theo ngh ... ging o. Bui u tin i ging, V-va hi:
- Hi cc con, cc con c bit hm nay ta ging g khng?
Ton th cc con tr li: "Khng!"
- Th nu cc con cha bit g v ci ta s ging th ta ging cng v ch!
Ni on quay ra i v thng.
Mt tay cm ly kh kh
Bng th bo d t vo
t vo mi sng lm sao
Dp ln dp xung n o nc ra
(L g?)
Trn trn ba cnh hnh tam gic
lng lng l l ch dm tr
mi ba, mi by cn khp li
mi chn, i mi toc c ra.
(L g?)
Tht b Ty Ban Nha
World cup 1982 t chc ti Ty Ban Nha. t nc ny ni ting v hai th: mt
- u b tt, hai - mn c sn ch bin t c.. ca con b cht trong cuc u st
vi c chua. i tuyn quc gia Lin X c ch c Blokhin l ngi snh si
nht. Mt hm anh quyt nh i bn b mn c sn ca nc ch nh. Vo
qun, Blokhin p bn yu cu
- Ch qun, cho mn ...
Mt lt sau, ngi hu bn em ln mt a ln, nhng bn trong ch c mt
ming tht b to bng hai ngn tay
- Ti sao tht li t th ny?
- Tha ng, hm nay con b hc cht ngi u s
Tin b v khoa hc k thut
Nh c nhnh s tin b v khoa hc k thut m ngy nay ngi ta c th lm
c nhiu iu bt ng nh trong mt gic m thn k nhng i khi cng gp
phi nhng trc trc th v.
Chuyn k rng:
C mt tay bc s ngoi khoa rt ni ting, ng c kh nng k diu l c th
phu thut thay th nhng b phn ca con ngi.
Mt hm c mt khch hng n i phu thut i mt m la ca mnh.
ng ta bn mt ch thay th cho anh ta. Cuc phu thut kh thnh cng, khi
khm li bnh nhn th ng ta nhn c nhng li nh sau:
Thin ng - a ngc
C chng lp trnh vin khi cht c Thng bo:
- Ch my lc sng tt lm, nay cho ln thin ng!
- Th ngoi thin ng cn nhng ch no khc na?
- Cn a ngc.
- Th a ngc vi thin ng khc nhau nh th no?
Thng mi lc ngn ko ly ra hai bc tranh a cho anh chng xem.
- Th th khc g nhau? Bc no cng v mt c ci chung ngi cnh mt
thng bia!
- Ch phi nhn cho k. Ngc vi trn thin ng, di a ngc, thng
bia th thng mt l to t, cn c gi th khng!
C hai v chng gi him hoi, ch c mt cu con trai duy nht. Cu trai ngay
khi sinh ra th hin c ti mi phng din. n khi trng thnh, cu tr
thnh mt tay chuyn mn lm hi i cc c gi tr. Chng bao lu sau, cu t
ngt qua i. ng b gi thng lm, sut ngy cu nguyn cho con mnh c
ln Thin ng. H lo n mc quyt nh gi in thoi hi tnh hnh. Mt
ging n mm mi ct ln:
- A l, c m ng trinh y! Can I help you?
-!
B gi bun qu cp my, khng dm ni cu g, ch ni vi ng gi:
- ng i, con mnh n cha ln c Thin ng ri...
1/ Chng lai v bng xe my. V m c:
- Nu ci xe ca mnh c thm 2 bnh na th coi nh nh mnh c t.
- C m c thm 2 v na th nh mnh c con b sa!
2/ V chng mi ci, sau ba n, v hi:
- Anh yu, trong cc mn hm nay em nu cho anh, anh thch mn no nht?
- Mn tht hp.
4/ Jhon,10 tui, ni vi Michael:
- Mike, ti qua em thy anh bp v ch em cng vin.
- Cm ly mt v ng ni vi ai.
- Tr li anh 50 cent. Ai em cng ly th thi.
5/ Thi vn p sinh vt. Gio s bt mt con rui, b mt chn gi cho Anna v
hi Hy xem chn v ni tn khoa hc ca con rui.Anna khng tr li c.
Gip s ni Cho ti bit tn c ghi vo s im. Anna vn vy ln, cha
Mo - Ch
Ngy xa c mt b gi n c sng mt mnh trong rng vng. B khng c
ai lm bn ngoi mt ch mo. b gi lm ri. Mt ngy n, khi bit mnh
gn t xa tri, b mi m mo vo lng v c: "c g mnh c tr p
li". Tc th b bin thnh mt c gi cc k xinh p. B li c: "c g tp
lu ca mnh bin thnh mt ngi nh p!". Tc th trc mt b hin ln mt
ngi nh cc p. "Nhng gia rng th ny th xinh p v nh p cng
chng lm g..." - th l b li c: "c g con mo ca mnh bin thnh mt
chng trai...". V mt chng cc k p trai hin ln trc mt b. B sng qu
li tut chng trai vo nh...
Nhng cha y 2 pht sau b chy ra ngoi ht tong ln: "Bit th ny th
th cht cn hn!".
Chng p trai n lm bm: "Ai bo hi trc b... thin ti?"
Gi v tr
Mt g tr tui gp mt ng gi. ang hunh hoang mun khoe trnh mnh hn ngi, g bn
r:
- Ti vi ng so kin thc bng cch nhau nh!
Mt hi ng gi vn khng chu giao u, g bn t thm iu kin:
- Nu ng thng ti th ti s tr cho ng mi ng, nu tri li ti thng th ti ch ly mt
ng ca ng thi!
- Nht tr, anh trc i
- Th tay no ln v tr u tin?
ng gi khng tr li, lng lng rt t mt ng tr cho g tr tui. c th, hn hi tip:
- Th ai pht minh ra nh lut bo ton khi lng?
Hm sau:
- Hm nay con tro cy cng bn trai.
- Ti sao my khng nghe li?
- Nhng m hm nay con khng mc qun lt na!
chuyn cng ch :
M bo con gi:
- ng bao gi con trai n hn, nh th l n lm nhc my y.
hm sau, con gi v khoe vi m:
- M i, khng phi n lm nhc con m con lm nhc n!
Con cu t
Mt i v chng tr p c ti nhng mi khng c con. Tn bao tin ca,
khn bi mi cui cng cng sinh h mt mn con trai p nh tranh v. Mt
ln thy m mc vy mi rt p, cu con hi:
- B mi mua cho m vy p th?
- Tin s b my, thnh cho y, i b my th n my cng ch c...
Ti sao vy?
C 2 anh bn lu lu mi gp nhau:
-Do ny sao trng my mp vy?
-! C g u, v tao lm nh my sn xut bt m, c quan tr lng bng sn
phm nn mp vy. Th cn my, sao cm nhom vy?
- V tao cng vy, n cng c tr lng bng sn phm nhng m n lm ti
nh my sn xut ...bao cao su
Ngy trang
Ch huy gi mt anh lnh tr ln khin trch:
- V sao trong t hi thao va ri, ng ch li lm l trn a mai phc ca
qun ta, khng
nhng th cn mng nhic, x nhc, thm ch cn xut hnh hung hai ngi
dn a phng?
- Tha ch huy, thc hin nhim v c giao, em ngy trang thnh ci
gc cy. i "ngi a phng" y dn nhau n ngi di gc cy. u tin
chng ni chuyn anh anh em em, chim xa t l xa cnh, ri th non hn bin...
Mc d phi nghe ton iu b lo, la o nhng em vn mt mc nn nhn,
quyt khng lm l trn a ca ta. Sau n mn m p, vut ve, hn ht, ri
i hi ny n... Mc d bn thn cng rt b kch ng, em vn quyt khng
-My bit lm g?
-Tao mun tng my ci dm ca, tao khng nhn thy qua ca s khi
my lm tnh vi v.
B hi li A
-Th khi no my sinh nht?
-My mun bit lm g?
-Tao mun tng my ci knh hin vi, my nhn r hn tao lm tnh vi
V Ai !
Ngi ta phng vn mt c gi ngi Nga:
- C gi nhng ngi n ng mun nhng khng th l g?
- Lit dng
- Th c gi nhng ngi n ng c th nhng khng mun l g?
Nhng mt dy!
Trong gi ton c gio hi hc sinh:
- Theo cc em th con s no l hay nht?
Cc hc tr lin ua nhau pht biu:
- Tha c s 0 , v s khng c th chia ht cho mi s khc !
- Tha c s 6 , v n bng tng ca ba s t nhin u tin!
Hu nh c lp ai cng a ra c mt con s, ch tr mt cu tinh nghch nht
lp. Thy c gio c ch, cu ta cn bt t ra suy ngh mng lung lm. Ngh
mi, cui cng mt cu cu nh ln sung sng v cu nhanh nhu ng ln:
- Tha c, hay nht l s 69 !
C lp chng hiu g c, cn i m c gio th lng.
C nhng pht lm nn lch s
C ci cht ho thnh cht th
C nhng li hay hn mi bi ca
C nhng con ngi do s sinh ra
M V-va sinh em b. Mi ngi n chc mng b v-va:
- Anh gii qu, sinh c chu b khu khnh v ging anh nh c!
- .., y l cng ca chu, b chu lm c o g!
- Thng ny lo! Tao h hc mi, cng ca my l th no?- b V-va qut.
y l do chu ly kim chc thng tt c con-dom m li!...
Bi bin vng ngi, mt thiu n dng Eva ang thay qun o. Bng mt ng
Ty i qua. Cung qua, c v vi mnh g di chn che ln ch..., ng Ty
Anh ta bit rng "h" c ngha l iu vui sng, "song" l 2, chc l nng mun
thm 2 iu vui sng na, cn sung sc nn anh chiu ngay theo nng. Lc
ny na m, nng rt mun i ng, bn hi anh: "Ng h",
anh tng l nng i 5 ln na. Tuy mt nhng sc trai tr v anh khng mun
nng tht vng, anh tip tc...
Dn ln th 3, th 4 anh v c sc qu chic ging rung ln, ln cui th bng
nhin rc... rrc...m... chic ging khng chu ni tnh yu ca 2 v chng tr.
Nng thy ging gy lin hi anh "Sp h", anh nghe nh "Thp h". Cc bn
c thy tht ti nghip cho anh chng Bc k khng?...
Mt lnh M nhn lnh ln ng, khi anh ta chi tay vi ngi yu ca mnh, c
gi khc, v i anh cho mt bc nh lm k vt. Lc trong ba l mt hi, anh
lnh ch tm thy mt bc nh ca anh ta chp ti bi tm tin. Vy l anh ta
nh phi x ly na trn tm nh a cho c gi. Lc B ni ca anh cng
khc m i mt tm hnh ca chu. Rt lng tng vi tnh hung ny, nhng
anh ta ngh rng b mt km lm ri nn anh a lun na cn li ca bc nh
cho b.
ng nh anh ngh, sau khi xem nh b ni ku ln " Thng b ging ht ng
ni, u tc th b x, cn ci caravat khng bao gi ngay ngn"
Mt c gi qu c con trai dn i chim ngng cnh quan thnh ph. Trn
ng, c thy rt nhiu qu c, qu b thng eo tt tay di n tn
nch. Thy l, c bn hi cu con trai ca mnh . Anh con tha :
- Tri nng nn ngi ta eo tt chng en tay b .
Th h c eo c c i khng, "ci y" ca tao c che kn my chc nm
nay m vn cn en y ny.
Mt ch b c nhn thy mt chic gng tay ca ngi no ri trn ng c,
quay li ni vi cc nng b ci:
i la la, c ch no nh ri coc-x, quay li y m nht ny.
Gim c nghip v ni qua in thoi: "Nu c ngi cm thy hng th i
vi ci ging ln ca quc vng xin gi qua tng i xin s 71..." Cha ni
dt li th ting mt c gi truyn li: "Xin hi, c km theo quc vng hng?"
Ti bui tic ru mng sinh nht v, ngi chng li t trong hp ra mt chui
ngc sng long lanh eo tng v trc mt m ng bn b.
regularly after that- until one month the initial entry read,$200 for
cleaning rifle."
Swapping
Two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.They
were in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut off the hotels
electricity,leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.Bill was a
rather devout chap;so beforegetting into bed with his companion,he said
his prayers.As he got under the covers,the lights suddenly went on,and
he discovered he was in the wrong room.He instantly started to dash for
the hallway.
"Its too late,"called the girl from the bed."My guy doesn't pray."
Mileage
Mama and Papa were in bed in the dark,and little Johnny,hearing many
noises,asked,"What are you doing,Pop?" and Pop replied,"I m filling up
Mom's gas tank."Then Johnny remarked,"She doesn't get much mileage,Pop,
the milk man filled it up just this morning."
80-year old
An eighty-year old roue called to his doctor,
"I would like you to examine me.To see if I am sexually fit."
"Very well,let me see your sex organs,pls."
The aged patient stuck out his index finger and his tongue.
Hai cp thanh nin n cng ngh ti mt khch sn du lch. Ti hm y lc h
ang ngi phng khch th mt cn bo i qua v tnh lm khch sn mt
in. H ch kp ln v phng v i ng.
Hn l mt k m o. Hn chp tay v thc hin thnh knh bi cu nguyn
trc khi ln ging. Khi chui vo chn v cng l lc n in sng tr li hn
mi nhn ra mnh nhm phng. Hn vi vng chy ra ca. C gi trn
ging gi li:
- Khng kp u ! Thng bn tao khng bao gi cu nguyn.
m tn hn C Du ni g?
Trong mt cuc iu tra x hi hc ti cc nc Pht trin, tr li cho cu
hi m tn hn cc C Du ni g, c kt qu nh sau:
- C Du M: "Ny cng, m nay ng gi bao nhiu?"
- C Du Php: "Anh thy em m nay c p khng?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising
her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's
face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertantly
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out
of class ... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Profs reply was classic... Totally
stright-faced he answered her question, he stated "It doesn't taste sweet, because
the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue".
SPEAKING OF A PARROT
A traveling salesman was browsing in a pet shop looking for something that
would be a companion for his wife while he was away on his long road trips.
The salesman was standing there looking frustrated when the pet shop owner
came up to him. "I've got just the thing," he said. "What's that," the salesman
asked. "A bird - a parrot," the owner said. "A parrot makes a great pet. And it
will keep your wife company by talking to her when you're gone."
The salesman thought about it for a moment and finally agreed to look at the
owner's stock of pet parrots. Well, the birds were beautiful, but much more
expensive than he'd imagined. Except for one peculiar looking parrot squatting
on its perch in the corner away from the other birds.
"Why's that one so cheap?" the salesman asked. The pet shop owner shook his
head at the bird. "That poor thing was born with no legs," he said. The salesman
stared at the bird. "How does he stay on the perch?" The pet shop owner grew
red-faced with embarrassment. "He wraps his penis around the perch."
"You're kidding," the salesman said. "No," the owner said. "And another
thing. This bird repeats everything it sees. It's a very intelligent bird."
"Really?" the salesman said. "Yep," the owner replied. "Parrot, what did I do
today?" The parrot ruffled its feathers. "Awk, rang up sales. Awk, rang up
sales."
"What else did I do today?" the owner asked. "Awk, fed the animals. Fed the
animals." Well, the salesman was really impressed. He bought the bird and took
it home. His wife was just as impressed with the present her husband brought
home and told him so. She placed the parrot and his cage in the living room.
The next day, the salesman came home from his office and walked up to the
parrot. "Well parrot, what did my wife do today?"
"Awk, watched soap operas. Awk, watched soap operas," the parrot replied.
"What else did she do?"
"Awk, cooked supper. Cooked supper." Satisfied, the salesman went into the
kitchen to greet his wife. Well several weeks passed, and the salesman returned
from one of his long sales trips. After kissing his wife hello, he walked up to the
parrot which was sitting quietly on its perch.
"Well parrot, tell me what happened while I was gone." The parrot ruffled its
feathers. "Awk, neighbor John came over. Awk, neighbor John."
"What happened then?" the salesman asked becoming suspicious. "Awk,
neighbor John began kissing your wife. Awk, kissing your wife," the parrot said
with a whistle. "And then."
"Awk, neighbor John unbuttoned her blouse and fondled your wife's breast.
Awk, fondled her breast."
"And then."
"Awk, they got undressed. Awk, undressed."
"And what happened then?" the salesman said angrily. "What happened
then?" the parrot squawked, tilting its head. "Awk, don't know what happened.
Awk, got a hard on and fell off the perch. Awk."
Ti xin mo mui thay mt c gi, mt ngi cm thy nh b h thp khi bn
trai ngp ngng n nh vy, ni ln lng mnh nh sau.
Gp ri sao anh vn ngi im ?
Chng phi chnh em, anh mun tm ?
Lng anh vng iu chi do d ?
Nn chng lm g ch rung ch... ?
Ti Bnh vin ph sn ca Lin hip quc, cc b m trc ngy sinh con ang
cng nhau tr chuyn v a con sp ra i. Ch cu chuyn l "Sau ny con
ch s ging ai ?". C gi Achentina ni:
- Sau ny con em s ging Maradona. Cc ch thyMaradona bng cha?
Tht khng c g k diu hn khi Maradona dn bng.
- Khng th hn c Pl u. Con ti sau ny s l Pl - C gi Brazin vi
v ngt li.
vo. Sau chng ti to phn trn c th, phn chn v.v. cui cng chng ti
to c Bill Clinton. ng ta cho ton b cc @#$%^& M ngh vic.
Tun trng mt, i uyn ng n i ngh mt thnh ph c. C gi giao hn
vi chng trai l c mi ln ting chung im gi ca thnh ph ging ln th
h s lm chuyn y. n na m, chng trai mt mi qu, long chong bc
ra ngoi kim th g n v n im canh, khn khon xin ng gi trc
im:
- ng lm n hai ting mi nh chung mt ln, ti xin biu ng cht tin.
ng gi nghim khc p:
Khng c, lc chiu c mt c gi xinh ti cho ti kh nhiu tin v nh ti
c na ting li nh chung mt ln.
Cng an: Nh vy l chng ch mt tch mt tun nay. Ch hy t ngoi hnh
anh y.
Thiu ph (st st): Vng, khun mt chng em trn trn. Anh y mc chic
o trng em mua 72 ngn ch Hng Da thng trc. Qun mu xanh tm than
97 ngn mua Trn Nhn Tn. i kh qu, ti sao anh li mc chic qun y,
em nh li chic cc ti sau cho anh u! M i u li qun eo c vt na
ch! Em dn i dn li l i lm l phi n mc t chnh c m. Anh y i
i giy gi da em phi gi mua tn Si gn, trng cn mi lm. Chic o may
mc ba hm ri vn cha thay. Anh c nh th bao gi u! Chng em ph
trch tin hc mt cng ty my tnh. Cng vic bn lm nhng khng bao gi
v mun, v hm no em cng gi in cho anh lc nm gi hai mi pht. M
v mun th no c, cn phi thi cm, git qun o, trng con na ch.
Nhng tun trc gi in thy bo anh y khng n c quan. M c th k
ring cng i cng tc. My hm nay em bn qu, nn hm nay mi n bo
cc anh. Vng chng chng c ai ra bt, qut nh. M tim lm u con Mai
gn nh hm qua li ngh, phi i na bui mi tm c tim khc va .
Khng hiu chng em c th i u c nh nu nh trong ti ch c chng
minh th v nm mi hai ngn nm trm ng. M t hai ngn rch mt gc
ri, chng bit cn tiu c khng...
Bui tra ma h ti mt bnh vin tm thn, v Bc s n i dc hnh lang bt
gp mt bnh nhn tm thn va i va ko theo mt si dy u c buc
mt ci bn chi. Thnh thong anh ta dng li vut ve v lm bm ni vi ci
"y l cng ngh vi mch tch hp tin tin nht ca chng ti. Ti gn
mt chic loa cc nh vo chic hoa tai ny v mt chic micro-phone cc nh
vo mt chic rng gi. Nh vy ti c th thc hin cc cuc m thoi khn
cp bt c lc no v bt c u."
Bp!! Mt ting ng ging ting trung tin n mc ng ng pht ra t
pha Robert. Rob vi ng ln phn bua:
"Cho xin t giy. Ti cn nhn gp mt bn fax."
Trong mt bui d ngoi lp mu gio ln, c gio thy mt s em bn tn v
c Cha, v ngy sinh ca Cha, v.v. C thy hiu bit ca cc em cn ngy
th v c mt s im cha chun xc v d sao y cng l mt ti tn gio
m ngay c linh mc khng phi ai cng d dng trnh by c gy gn v y
. L ngi m o, c gio mun nhn dp ny ging gii i iu.
"Cc em c bit by gi c Cha u khng?" c m u.
"Cha trn tri," mt em ni.
"Cha trong tim," em khc a tay ln ngc.
"Cha trong toa-lt," mt em khc qu quyt.
C gio qu ng ngng trong khi tt c cc em ang hng vo c nh mong
i mt li gii thch. Sau mt giy trn tnh, c hi:
"Ti sao em li ngh rng c Cha trong nh v sinh?"
"Sng no m b em ch va p ca va ni: Ly Cha! Lm g trong y
m lu th!"
Thy gio ang say sa vi nhng cng ngh tin tin, cht n on:
" Ngy nay, cng ngh tin tin cho php ngi ta sn xut ra nhng dy chuyn
hon ton t ng, u ny ta a vo mt con b v u kia chic my l mt
chic xc xch hon ho!"
Cht mt hc sinh ln ting:
- Tha thy th c th ch to c ra chic my lm ngc li khng ?
Thy gio cu lm lin ni:
C, cch y mi my nm b anh cho mt chic xc xch vo trong mt
ci my ri sau ci my y nh ra mt con b, l anh y!
Hn b lc ng. Chng c g t t n, chng c g t t ung, chng c
ch t t ng. Lang thang mi trong rng, cui cng hn m c mt ngi
nh. Nghe hn trnh by hon cnh xong, ch nh ni, "By gi mun ri. Lo
s cho anh n, ng v sng mai s ch ng cho anh v thnh ph. Nhng anh
khng c tn tnh chu gi lo, nu khng ba iu kh chu..."
"Khng xy ra chuyn u," hn ngt li. "Chu i v mt lm. Ch xin
c t bnh, hp nc, sm mai i ngay."
Hn n ung rt ngon ming. Tm ra sch s v ln ging i ng. ng
lc chui vo chn, hn nhn ra ngoi hin v thy mt c gi ang ngi sa li
mi tc. nh trng huyn o chiu xung hn nhn ra thn hnh tr trung
thp thong sau t o mng. Hn cht hiu rng bn thng qua hn khng ch
thiu thn n, m cng rt thiu thn tnh cm. Cn ba ci iu g g th
sao? Hn tc li mt ci, m ca v i v pha thiu n.
Hn tnh ng v thy mt hn nng trn ngc, trn c ghi dng ch, "1.
nng 50kg trn ngc." iu kh chu th nht y. Hn kh n qung hn
ra ngoi ca s. Bng hn nhn thy bn di c ghi, "2. buc vo hn bi
bn phi" v hn thy mt si dy chc chn mt u ni hn v mt u
chui vo qun hn. Hong qu hn nhy i theo. Trong khi bay qua ca s,
hn c c dng ch trn cnh ca, "3. Hn bi bn tri buc vo chn
ging."
ng gi in v nh cho v v nhn c mt ging ph n l hoc.
- A-l, ai .
- Ti l ngi lm.
- Nh ti lm g c ngi lm.
- B ch mi thu ti sng nay.
- Tt. Cho ti gp b ch, chng b y y.
- ... b ch ang ng vi ng chng no trn gc .
- Sao !! Ny, c kia. C mun nm trm triu khng.
- D, ng mun em lm g.
- C ly khu sng trong ngn bn bn b m hai a y i.
Sau ng nghe ting t in thoi, ting bc chn v hai pht sng. C
ngi lm cng ni chuyn tip.
- Tha ng, by gi x l hai ci xc th no .
- Gi gm cn thn, ri qung ra ci h cnh nh.
- Cnh nh? H nc no nh.
- ... vy c phi s my 8115643 khng y ...
Mt ti n cng vin
Tim :
- Cho tao ngh i, 80 nm nay, tao lm vic ct lc ri.
+ Khng c _ No ni _ my ngh th tiu ?
- Th th cho tao ngh vy _ mt ging yu t vng ln t di
No qut:
+ My l thng no, ng ln cho tao xem mt ?
M kip, ng m ng ln c th vic g phi xin ngh hu
- A, th ra l my. Sao my lm vic km th. Hy th so vi Tim xem. My
bt u lm vic mun hn nhng 16 nm, by gi i ngh ri.
- Xp chng qun qu. Em thng xuyn lm vic ca 3, m li trong mi
trng c hi.!
Chuyn gia A v B
A: Cu c th phc ho i nt v c b m cu d nh gii thiu cho t c
khng? T nng rut qu, Khng th ch c na ri.
B; C b ny cc k ti, tr v....
A: Thi c ti l c ri bi v tao chn ght gng mt cau c ca b v tao
lm ri.
B: V khon ny th my yn tm i, em lc no cng ci, ti nh hoa
A: Th th c ri, Tao ng tr cho my 100 USD.
C hai vi vng i ngay, n ni khi c mi ngi gii thiu anh chng mi
hiu: ho ra l "ti" khng i lin vi " Xinh"nh anh vn ngh trc nay. Tc
cnh, tic tin anh lin cho ra ngay mt bi th bt h v g gc c phn
no s tin "oan".
Qui l lm sao ci b rng
Ci th ci tht ng lng nhng
Ci ming rng th sao khng ng
ng c ra ngoi ngm gi trng.
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't
ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says,
"you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he
picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to
his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weighs 127
pounds, and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex."
(F=Female, F=Failed)
.TNT
C hai ngi t ngoi khi bi vo t lin. Khi cch b cn khong chng dm
mt, mt ngi bo ngi kia:
Quay li thi, ti mt lm ri!
m n, mt c gi xinh p v vui qu, ung rc say, long chong bc ra
ph. Mt qu, c thip i bn thng rc cng cng. Mt anh chng may mn gp
c, a c v khch sn. Sng hm sau, anh gi in cho cu bn thnh ph
khc:
Cu nn n y i. y ngi ta vt i nhng th cn tt hn c nhng th
m cu c th mua c ch cu ang .
C mt c gi n ang kin mt bc s tr v ti hip dm c ta ngay trong
phng khm, anh chng th khng nh l mnh v ti, ch b ng m thi, qua
cu chuyn ny ngh mi ngi phn gii h.
S l mt hm khi chng bc s bt u m ca phng khm th c mt c gi
rt tr v p vi mt thn hnh min ch ti khm. C ni rng:
- Ti cm thy b au chn, ngh anh khm gip.
chng bc s lin ngh:
- u tin c hy ci "tt" ra, ti i thay qun o ri khm cho c.
Khi anh quay tr vo, gp c nng ang nm trn ging khm bnh khng c
mt mnh vi trn ngi v ....
Hm sau c gi kin anh ta trc to, ngh Bao thanh thin x gip v minh
aon cho chng bc s tr giu lng nhn i ny.
Mt anh chng c hai v, ti n ng chung vi v c phng trong, v l ng
phng ngoi. Vo mt m khuya, v l ht:
m khuya gi lng sng yn
Li kia c mun gh thuyn sang chi!
Anh chng n lng th rt mun ra, nhng v c gi cht qu, lin p:
Mun sang bn y cho vui
Mc n lnh gc, kh xui c !
trng phi thu mua lng ln rng cng nhiu cng tt. ng Gim c lo lm
khng hiu sao B li c nhu cu qui qu y lm g v khng bit lm sao
hon thnh k hoch. Sau vi m suy ngh ng quyt nh xy mt khu nh
tm n tht to, lm li chn, cho tt c mi ngi c vo tm nc nng
khng phi tr tin. Cui nm khi v B hp ng ta thy cc lm trng bn u
bo co thu mua c nm by t th khip qu lm bm chi: "M kip, lm
trng ng c gn 300 lao ng n, ng li c sng kin th m ch thu c c
vi lng. Khng hiu bn n lm kiu g m khng khip th". Sau hi ra mi
bit l do ngy trc nh my ch khng c du nn khi c yu cu:
"THU MUA LONG LON RUNG" ng thc hin nhm.
Chuyn c tht qu ti: C mt anh n chi nh bn. Nh anh bn ch c hai
phng cch nhau ci tng g. Ti n khi i ng khch nm phng ngoi, hai
v chng ch nh nm phng trong. Va vo ging nm l hai v chng bt
u ngay. ang lc cao tro bng nghe anh bn chi: "M n, va mi nm vo
ging l chi ngay ri". V bo chng: "Anh chng t nh g c, bn anh
cha i ng lm mnh qu anh y bit, ngng cht". Ch mt lt ngh l
anh bn ng hai v chng li tip tc, va bt u li th li nghe anh bn chi:
"Tng l ht ri by gi n li chi tip". Hai v chng bn nhau: " Trn
ging c ting ku, thi xung t cho n khi nghe thy n kh chu". Xung
t va mi bt u mt t th li nghe ting chi: " M n ch, trn ging
chi ri, by gi xung t n cng li chi na th chu th o no c". Anh
chng tc qu, th ny ra l n theo di mnh chc bn vc gy xng ra ngoi th
thy anh bn ang ngi bt kin. Th ra l anh bn trn ging b kin t,
xung t nm cng b kin t khng ng c.
Chuyn s tht qu ti: C mt anh li xe i ng ln min ni m vo mt
chic xe nga. Anh chng ngi dn tc vc sng kp ra do bn nu khng bi
thng. Anh li xe bn bo: "Ct sng i, vo y lp Bin bn ri ra U ban
gii quyt ". Anh chng kia nghe ni Bin bn, U ban hoang mang bn ngi
ch anh li xe lp bin bn. Sau mt hi h hoy vit anh li xe c Bin bn
cho anh chng kia nghe:
Ngy thng nm , vo hi x gi, nga i ng nga, xe i ng xe,
nga m phi xe, xe th cht ngay, nga cn giy giy mt lc mi cht. Kt
lun nga phi n cho xe 3.000.000 .
Chuyn y em i xin li
Mai...
V ting c v ch chit:
hn hm nay li ngy mai
B c v con ch ti
th t nay em cho bit
Bye...
ng chng tc qu p li:
Nm chung mi kh chu lm sao
Mnh mun ng yn v c go
Mun sng th ng y cho sng
No...
Th cn hng hoang, chn l mt th qu him, cc loi vt ni chung ch c
mt chn, ch th c 3 chn, thm ch Eva sinh sau mun cn khng c chn
no. Ring c b, nh c dng sa ngt ngo, c Thng cho hn 8 chn
Mt hm b gp vt, vt ku ca: ti ch c 1 chn tht l bt tin, anh li c
nhiu th kia, hay l anh nhng bt cho ti 1 chn. B thng tnh, li cho
vt 1 chn. T vt c 2 chn, tuy nhin mi khi ng, theo bn nng ci ngun
vt li co 1 chn ln.
Hm khc b gp ch, ch ku: ti ch c 3 chn tht l bt tin, anh li c
nhiu th kia, hay l anh nhng bt cho ti 1 chn. B thng tnh, li cho
ch 1 chn. T ch c 4 chn, tuy nhin mi khi i i, theo bn nng ci
ngun ch li co chn ln.
Ting lnh n xa Eva cng m n b xin chn. Xc cm trc thn hnh
tuyt vi ca Eva b nhng hn 2 chn. T ph n cng c 2 chn nh cc
loi khc. Tuy nhin mi khi sng ln, theo bn nng ci ngun h li co c 2
chn ln.
Mt chng ng t by bn v ng. C c gi i qua khng , v tnh
ht:
- C ch chim non nho nh...
Chng ta quay li ci:
- Th ny m cn nh ?
C gi tc gin mng:
- khn nn !
- Cn ca cu th no ?
- Ca em 10 phn ... Anh ta mu mo.
Hai anh kia ngc nhin :
- 10 phn th bnh thng, cn qui g phi n y ?
Anh chng o ln khc nc n:
Nhng m ca em l 10 phn b ngang !
Mt ngi n ng n choi ngi Italia khng snh bng mt ngi ho hoa
phong nh ca Salermo. Mt t chc mi c gi l " Nhng ngi n ng
lch s" thnh ph pha Nam nc cung cp nhng ngi h tng lch s
cho cc n khch du lch phng gp phi nhng tn dm ng a
phng. Nhng ngi n ng ny lm cng vic c nhng ngi hng dn
min ph n cc thng cnh nh Pompeii v Capri - ch thc tp ting Anh
ca h v m mang ngnh du lch, khng phi yu ng lng mn.
Ch tch cng ty ni: "nhng ngi n ng thanh lch ca chng ti khng lm
nhng vic nh th." Cho n nay, c khong 80 ph n th dch v ny
trong thng 7 nh gi nhng ngi h tng theo mc thang t 1 n 10.
"Cho n nay - ng ch tch ni tip - con s thp nht chng ti c l 8".
Kho d:
Mt ng hi nng vo mt hiu ct tc ni vi tay th:
- Ny anh, tc ti ch cn c ba si thi, anh ct cho ti cn thn nh !
Tay th hi:
- Vy ng nh ct kiu g ?
- Mi lt !- ng ta p.
Tay th loay hoay mt lc bng lm rng mt mt si.
- Bay gi ch cn hai si, ct th no tha ngi ?
- R ngi gia !
Loay hoay mt lc li b rng mt si, anh th lo lm li hi:
- By gi li rng mt si ri tha ngi, lm th no by gi ?
- Chi ngi bn !- ng ta t tin tr li.
Trong t khch c mt ch khch ngi Hoa. Xe ang i bng ch khch
ngi Hoa li gn v vai li xe bo:
- Bc ti i, cho ng li mt t !
Anh li xe p:
- Li th no c m li ?
- Cao lng dm
- v.v.
Cng tc chun b sp sa hon tt, duy ch c mt mc "Cao lng dm" l
cha xong v theo ng Ch nhim khoa Dc th loi thuc trn l cc k qu
him v ch c th kim c vng rng ni xa xi no , ch hin nay trong
kho thuc ca bnh vin th khng c.
n gi phu thut. Gio s hi anh bc s tr:
- Sao, sn sng ri ch anh bn tr?
- Tha Gio s, xong ri , duy ch cn mc ny l khng th no kim c.Anh bc s tr a cho gio s tp bnh n.
Gio s chau my nhn vo tp bnh n. ng m chiu suy ngh hi lu, ri
bng ng ci ph ln v v mnh vai anh bc s tr:
Tri i, ngc. Thuc men g u, y l ...
Mt anh chng theo o Thin cha mi mua c mt con nga ua. Con nga
ny rt qu, n va chy nhanh li va hiu c mt s lnh c bit. Ai ci
n ch cn ni: "Cm n cha nhn t "l n s phi nc kiu, nu ni " Cha
ban phc cho ta " th n s phi nc i, cn khi ni " Ly cha " th n s
ng li ngay lp tc. Anh ta rt thch con nga , bn em ra bi ci th.
Anh ni: " Cm n cha nhn t ", con nga lp tc phi nc kiu. c mt
lc anh ta thy khoi tr bn h: " Cha ban phc cho ta ! ", th l con nga si
bn v phng ht tc lc. Chng my chc n gn ming mt vc thm.
Anh ta hong s qun mt cu lnh lm cho nga dng li nh th no. Cui
cng khi n st b vc, theo thi quen, trc khi cht anh a tay ln cu cha
v ni: " Ly cha ! ", con nga lp tc dng ngay li. Anh ta thot cht mng
qu th pho ngng u ln tri ni: " i cm n cha nhn t, cha ban
phc cho ta ! "
Yu thng thng nh vt v
Giai nhn tic nh xc x v v
Vn khuya mt kip l th
Xt tnh qun lng no n mnh mang
Bit bao gi lnh im hng
Ln da em trng m vang tui ny
Ru i thu vng ru cay
Phong phanh ting th khng hay nghn ngo
Bn chn b ng xn xao
Sng m ho ht dng cao ru i
Bn b th mng bung li
Xt xa nh nh tuyt vi phong phanh
Nhp nhm ru t
L trn thy khi trn
ng cc tr toen hon
Ngt bi cng u non
Qu mt soi lm bm
Lng ong chng thng chng
C quc th ng cc
Ai v nng ym vng
Bn D. gi in v nh cho D., b D. nhc:
- Alo, em cho anh gp anh D. c c khng ?
- Tha sc,.... nhng D. i lm ri anh .
- Xin li, em l ai y?
- Em l b anh D. y .
- Xin li bc, bc cho chu bit s in thoi ca D. c quan c
khng ?
- c, nhng n c nhiu s lm.
- Th th bc c cho chu s u tin vy.
- 8.
Ti mt ca hng bn l ca XNBL - CT XD KV1, trong khi ang bm xng
cho chic xe MINCK bm y bi ng ca mt ng khch dng chng va
tri qua mt chng ng di n H ni, c nhn vin bn hng tr trung
xinh p nhn thy ng khch ny c gi lin tc vo chic m ba him ang
i trn u. Thy l qu, khng ng c, c but ming hi :
- Bc lm sao th ?
- Ti b nga u.
- Th th khi gi bc phi b m ra ch !
- Th ti hi c rng khi gi mng c c tt qun ra khng ?!!
Trong hi thi nh cao Khoa hc K thut Th gii, cc cng quc trn th
gii ang a ra nhng bng chng chng t mnh c trnh khoa hc cao
nht: