Graves1

TaliaGraves
ProfessorScaife
2/12/16
Comp.1
ThoseWhoWontReturn
Asachild,Icanremembergettingoutofschoolandwaitingoveranhourformysisterto
gethome,mostofthetimesIendedupfallingasleepandwakinguptoherlaughterasshepicked
upmybackpackandbroughtmeupstairs.Shewouldalwaysmakeusbothsomethingtoeat,then
sitonthecouchwithmeaswewatchedEd,EddnEddyoncartoonnetworkbeforemomcame
homeandmademestartonmyhomework.AsIgotolder,thestairswerenolongermywaiting
station,butnomatterhowoldIgot,Iwasneveroldenoughtonotbeexcitedtoseeherwhenshe
arrived.Butafterawhile,maybetwoyearsaftercollegetookherfromme,shewouldntbe
surprisingmeatthedooranylonger.
Dealingwiththedeathofmyoldersisterhasbeenanongoingrollercoaster,whichhas
leftmequestioningmanythings.Afterdeathtakessomethingsovaluablefromyou,willyou
everbethesame?DoestragedyplayapartintheideathatEverythinghappensforareason?I
haveconductedpersonalinterviewswiththosewhoareinaverysimilarsituationasmyselfto
helpmeinmyprocessoffindingoutmore.
Mrs.Thappenedtobemyfirstinterviewee,inourinterviewtogetherIwaspleasedshe
wasabletomeetmeinpersontospeakoverdinner.Thisfacetofacetalkbroughtmany
emotions,aswellasemotionsIwasunsureaboutmeeting.Mrs.Tlostherbrotherwhenshewas

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only13onafamilybeachtrip,whereshehappenedtobedrivingdirectlybehindhimwhenthe
deadlycrashtookplace.Iaskedherifshehadfeltanyguiltorhadanyregretstowardsthe
situation,totryandseeifwhatIfeelisanythingsimilartohers.Sheproceededtotellmethat
shedidhaveguilt,andthatfeelingaloneateheruplikenothingshehadexperiencedbefore.
Justnearlyayearlater,in1985,shegotintoacaraccidentthatwasnearlytwiceasworseasher
brothers.Yetwhenshearrivedtothehospital,shewasinnearlyperfectcondition,withonly
scrapesandbruisestoshowfromtheaccident.Thecrashleftheraskingherselfthis
unanswerablequestion,whynother?Whydidshedeservetosurviveandnothim?
Thesequestionshavebecomethingssheiscontentinnotknowing.Simplyforthisone
reason,noteverythinghasananswer.Thisquotelingeredonme,makingmewonderifIwas
searchingforananswertoaquestionthatcantbesolved.Iproceededtoaskheroneof,inmy
opinion,mostprofoundquestionsIhadforourinterview.Doyoubelievethateverything
happensforareason?Heranswercaughtmeoffguard,andduetoslightignorancetothetopicI
hadtostopmyselffromsayingWhat?.Shebegantotellmewithinlessthanfivesecondsof
askingherthatshedidbelievethateverythinghappensforareason.Shetoldmethatifshe
didntbelieveithappenedforareason,thenitsalmostlikethattakesawayfromtheworthiness
ofherbrotherslife.Thatitwouldthenjustbeaneventinthevoid,withnomeaning,nobetter
sidetotheaftermath.

ThisinterviewtouchedmeinmorewaysthanIexpectedupongoingintoit.Ithinkwe
canallsaythatwe'vehadsituationswhereweonlythinkonewayaboutit.Thereisnoother
viewforus,becausethenthingsjustwouldntmakesense.IthoughtallthesamethingsbeforeI
actuallyfacedmyopposingperceptions.Whatifeverythingdidhappenforareason?Icant

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thinkofthatquestionwithoutformingothercounterargumentsagainstit,becausewhenIdoallI
canthinkofismysister.LikethetimeIwokeheruponaSaturdayalittletooearly,andshe
swungandhitmeinthefacegivingmeabloodynose.Orthetimeshemetmyfirstboyfriend
andaskedhim,infrontofmyparents,ifhewasstillavirginornot.Andatthatpoint,thatwasa
questionIhadntevenknownmyself.Allofthepainfullyembarrassingmoments,thatIhatedat
thetime,butwouldgiveanythingtogobackto,justforonemoreminute.Howcanthere
possiblybeareasonthatthosepainfullywonderfulthingshadtoend,forever?Thatquestion
alonehasbeencirclingmyheadasifIwasstandinginaroomfullofmirrorswithittattooed
ontomyforehead.SomethingMrs.Tsinterviewprovidedmewithwasinsightintoapossible
futureme,mimickingthewholelearnfromyoureldersquote.Herviewsonherlossofher
brotherturnedouttobeverysimilartomynextinterviewee,whoalsohappenedtobemyage.
SunkistwhoattendedthesamemiddleschoolandhighschoolasIdid,lostherbrother
nearlytwoyearsagowhenshewas16yearsold,onlyfourmonthsafterIlostmysister.Her
brotherandhisgirlfriendwereinthecarmergingonthehighwaywhenatruckcame80miles
perhourthroughastoplightstraightintothedriverssideofthecar.Thiscausedthecartothen
flipnearly8timesleavinghisgirlfriendwithafewbruisesandbrokenbones,whileleavingher
brotherwithasoontobefatalheadinjury.Aftermultiplesurgeries,theypronouncedhimbrain
dead.IspecificallyrecalledonSunkistforthisparticularinterviewbecauseofaninstanceinhigh
schoolIhappenedtosharewithher.
Itwassenioryearandalloftheseniorstudentsweresetintheauditoriumtolistentoa
guestspeaker.Theguestspeakerhappenedtobeawomanspeakingonthebehalfofherson,
whodiedinadrunkdrivingcrash,whichwasthesamereasonformysistersdeathtoo.Asthe

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womanbegantalking,Ifoundmyselfrelatingmoreandmoretoherterrifyingandundeniably
sadstory.Whensheshowedavideocollageofherson,andbegantellingusstudentsshewont
everbeabletohughersonanymoreorseehimgetmarried,thetearsandsorrowIhadinme
couldnttakeitanymoreandIrushedouttothebathroomtoletitout.AsIwalkedin,Isaw
Sunkistsittingonthebenchagainsttherestroomwall,juststaringatherfeet.Isatnexttoher
andwebothjustcried,justsat,andsilentlycried.Itwasatleastfiveminuteslaterwhenbothof
ourfriends,whohappenedtobeapartofthesamefriendgroup,cametoourrescueandtotake
ustothecounselors.Wesatinthereandexplainedwhathadhappenedwithbothofusandwhy
weweresuchamess.Afterthishappened,herandIturnedouttobereallygoodfriends,which
surprisinglymadeiteasiertointerviewher.
TheinterviewtookplaceoverviaFaceTime,andasthepersonalquestionscameonI
startednoticingmoreandmoresimilaritiesthroughoutspeakingwithher.Iaskedaquestionthat
didntstrikemeasimportantuntilIreceivedverysimilaranswersfromMrs.T.Iaskedthe
question,Doesfaithplayaroleinthehealingprocess,andbothansweredyes.Sunkist
explainedthatherfamilymemberswerestrongbelieversinGod,andthatherspiritualityplayed
abigroleinherperceptionsofthesituationwithherbrother.IfoundthisinMrs.Tsviewsas
well.Theybothexplainedinonewayoranotherthattheirfaithbroughtthemcomfortintheir
knowledgeoftheunchangeable.Almostasiffaithwasbothoftheirsecurityblankets.
Thesebeliefsalsoledtotheanswerthattheybothagreedyesto,thattheydidinfact
bothbelieveeverythinghappensforareason.Evenifthemosttraumaticthinghappened,maybe
itspossiblethatitwassupposedtohappen.SunkistalsogavemeaquotethatSomethings
aresupposedtohappen,yesIbelieveso.Ifyourdaddidntmeetyourmomatthatoneplace,at

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thatexacttime,howwouldthingsbenow?ShealsobeganspeakingonthebehalfofGod,
tellingmethatGodputsbattlesinyourlife,sometowinandgainfrom,andsometoloseand
learnfrom.
AsIdidmoreresearchintothistopic,Iwantedtoknowmoreaboutthatsecurityblanket
someonesfaithcangivethem.GrowingupmyfamilyandIneverreallywenttochurch,andthe
firsttimeIactuallywentIwaswithafriendandherfamily.Myparentsneverforcedmeinto
somethingIdidntwanttodounlessitwashomework.Thisbeingthecase,Iendedupexploring
differentreligionsonmyownthroughoutmylife.Learningalot,butneverreallybelieving.
ThislackofbeliefhascontributedgreatlytotheabsenceofsecurityIhavewithmysister's
death.AftermyfirsttwointerviewsIrealizedthatreligion,faithandbeliefs,tomostpeople,can
actasatherapythroughtheirmourningprocess.RealizingthismademequestionwhatIwas
missing,andhowthatsecurityandcomfortwouldhaveaffectedmeinmyprocess.
MynextintervieweeisawomanIliketocallsuperwoman,mainlybecausesheisso
superb.Inabrighterlight,IalsocallherMomma.IinterviewedSuperwomannotonlyduetothe
factthatwehavebothlostsomeonespecial,butalsobecauseherviewsarealotdifferentthan
myfirsttwointerviews.WhenSuperwomanwaspregnantwithherfirstchild,myoldersister,
shewentthroughaneventthatlefthertraumatizedandfearfuloftheworld.Herboyfriendfor
around7yearsatthetimehadbeengoingthroughaverydarkphaseinhislife.However,this
phaselastednearlythreeyearsoftheirrelationship.Hehadabeautifulsoul,hejusthadsome
problems.ButIlovefixingthings,andallIwantedforhimwastohelp.Sometimespeopledont
acceptitthough.Shethentoldmethatwhentheyfoughttheyfought,butwhentheylovedthey
really,reallyloved.Butherstoryshowsthatlovecantfixeverything,andduringoneoftheir

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manyfightshepulledagunout,andshothimselfinthehead.HeliedinSuperwomansarmsas
shetriedtocoverhiswound.Shetoldmethat,Youcouldseetheregretinhiseyesashetook
hislastbreathes,andIthinkthatwasthesaddestpart.Superwomanwouldnowhavetolivea
lifewithoutthepersonshegaveherallto.Afterheleft,shetoldmeinourinterviewthatshehad
nothinglefttogivetotheworld.Hekilledhimself,butlittledidheknowhetookmewithhim.
Aftertheincidenttookplace,SuperwomanmovedtoColoradotofindherself.This
journeyendedupbeingabreakfromtherealworld,andsheindulgedherselfintomanydrugs
andalcohol.Butbeforeshewentcompletelyhaywire,shefoundoutsomesoontobelife
changingnewsShewasasoontobemommy.Findingoutshewaspregnantgavehersomething
tolivefor,anditmadeherwanttoturnherlifearoundandbecomeapersonherdaughter,who
wouldsoonbecomemybigsister,somebodytolookupto.Shecontinuouslytellsmeandmy
sisterthatwewereherlifesavers.Itshardtobelievethatawomanwhohasgonethrough
somethingasabsolutelyhorrifyingasshedid,willonlyhavetogothroughmoreinhernear
future.
OnOctober30th,2012atexactly5:31ammymomreceivedaphonecallthatevery
parentfearsthemost.Shewastoldthatheroldestdaughter,SarahCampbell,haddiedinadrunk
drivingaccident.Irememberthatmorninglikeitwasyesterday,andeverytimeItalkaboutitit
feelsjustasifIamrelivingitagain.Iwillalwaysrememberthedistinctiveknockmystepdad
laiduponmydoor,thelookinmymomseyesasIwalkedintoherroom,thefeelingofbeing
absolutelyweakinyourkneestothepointwhereyoucantholdyourselfupanylonger.Butmy
momtookitalotharderthananybodycouldeverimagine.ThatmorningwasthelasttimeI
wouldspeaktoherforaboutamonthaftertheincidenttookplace.Shelockedherselfinher

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room,Ineversawherleaveherbed.Shelaidthere,staringatthewallfordaysonend.However,
sheneveroncecriedduringthatmonth.Thenonerandomdayduringtheweek,shecameoutof
herroomandateabowlofcerealwithme,asifitwasjustaregularday,andwewereliving
regularlives.WeneverspokeabouttheincidentuntilIstartedhavingsuicidalthoughtsand
terrifyingdreamsaboutmysisterscrash.Webothwereplacedinfamilytherapy,whichledto
beingprescribedantidepressantsthatsoonnumbedhertothebone.Shespentoverayearin
denialoftheincident,neverfacingtheawfulfactsofwhatwasnowourreality.Afterthatyear
passedIfinallygotmymomback,allemotionsandeverything.Itwas2014whenmymomandI
madeaNewYearsresolutiontodowhatmysisterwouldhavewanted,tobecomeafamily
again.
Dealingwiththedeathofmyoldersisterhas,andwillalwaysbeanongoingstruggle.I
willnevernotmisshuggingherandinstantlyfeelingsafe.Iwillnevernotwishtoswitch
positionswithher,Iwillneverstopregrettingthatyearwedidntspeakbecauseofastupid
arguement.Shewillneverstopbeingmysister,andIwillneverstopbeinghergoober.There
isn'tadaythatgoesbythatsheisn'tonmymind,andIamblessedtobeabletoseeherinmy
dreamseveryonceinawhile.Wetakethesmallthingsandappreciatethemsomuchmorewhen
wehavelostmuchbiggerthings,andfromherdeathIcantrulysaythatIhavelearnedandthatI
havegainedfromit.Uponwritingthispaper,IwassearchingforanswersthatInowknowcan't
alwaysbeanswered.AfterspeakingwiththoseinsuchsimilarsituationsIcantruthfullysaythat
IhavegainedsomuchmoreknowledgeaboutlosingsomebodysospecialthanIeverhadbefore.
So,doeseverythinghappenforareason?Idon'thaveananswerforthatyet.Butasmyageand

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experiencegrows,whenthatquestioncomesupagain,mymindsetwillleadmetoananswerall
myown.

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WorksCited

Blewitt,Tammy.Recoveringfromaclosedeath.Interviewn.d
Graves,Kama.Recoveringfromaclosedeath.Interviewn.d
Lovett,Mallory.Recoveringfromaclosedeath.Interviewn.d