Bailly_Paper3.

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BAILLY_PAPER3.DOCX (20.89K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

19-APR-2016 01:25PM

WORD COUNT

1489

SUBMISSION ID

662027733

CHARACT ER COUNT

7716

The intro begins abruptly. How might you

introduce the issue of your paper, the problem,
before even getting to Montgomery and your own research?
I'd suggest a whole
intro before this one.

Is this paragraph
your review of
opinions? While
there isn't much
research, it
seems a little like
that type of
paragraph.

So is your review of opinions

about the meaning of "social
media?"

probably

Draw a strong conclusion of your

own at the end of the paragraph.
Connect back to the thesis or what
you are currently trying to prove.

Such as? Tell us the secrets. : )

w
ill

Forty

When
numbers
start
sentences,
spell them
out.

Well-said! Again, because of the

beginning of the paper, it's hard to tell
how meaningful this point is to an
argument, but it is a nice point.

Develop your
conclusion a
little.

Telematics and
Informatics 33.2 (2015):
This citation isn't
493-499.
accurate. See the
changes and make
the same ones to
the Montgomery
source.

Bailly_Paper3.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
As I mentioned in D2L, the main reason f or your low
score is that this paper does not f ulf ill the word
count required. Right now, your paper is 1341 words
(without the Works Cited page). T he assignment
asked f or a paper between 1400 and 1800 words.
Since the syllabus states that papers must reach the
minimum length and because we are so close to the
end of the semester, I won't return this f or revision
bef ore I grade it. Rather, you'll get a grade and then
you can work on this missing requirement in revision.
Please be aware that simply adding to a short paper
isn't considered "signif icant" revision.
Aside f rom not f ulf illing the assignment, lack of
develop also hinders your argument f rom being as
strong as it could be. It also probably results in not
setting a strong context f or your ideas (see more
below). T he point is that developing your ideas
wouldn't just f ulf ill the assignment; it would add
strength to your argument and the explanation of
the issue.
Outside of the problem of development, you have
some nice points here. T he research that you did
shows promise! But there are a number of smaller
issues and at least two large issue to consider and
revise bef ore the whole paper is raised to the quality
of those nice points.
Let's discuss the "big issues" f irst. Notice how
abruptly your paper starts. It just isn't clear what the
issue you were trying to investigate through your
research is. Even if your issue changed a little, that
issue has to be clear f rom the beginning. For
example, I'd suggest writing a whole other paragraph
bef ore the one you currently have as the f irst
paragraph. In it, you might talk about the anxiety
adults of ten have about teens' use of social media
and what they worry about, specif ically and what
actions are taken to control social media use.
T hen, you can announce your thesis. Ultimately, the
thesis that you have right now really isn't that clear,
nor does it include the ideas that you include toward
the end of the paper--that controlling social media

use has little ef f ect and that teens even recognize

the same downf alls of constant connectivity. You'll
need to re-announce the thesis so that it more
accurately states the argument of the whole paper.
So the f irst big problem is the intro and the lack of
direction it gives on your issue and argument. T he
second big problem is related--organization. It's just
very dif f icult to see a logical progression of an
argument in your paper. Part of that is because of
the weak beginning; setting stronger context f or the
argument will help a lot. But so will clarif ying what
your review of opinions is. So discussing why you
did your own research and those results af ter you
explain what others have f ound. So will clarif ying
what you asked f irst, second, and third, so that the
idea of a "f ollow up" is clearer. In general, I'd suggest
creating an outline f or your argument bef ore you
revise. Even write out possible topic sentences to
show how the argument should unf old and then
going back in and rearranging and re-writing.
As f or the smaller issues, these include:
1. Adding more research to your review of opinions.
Aside f rom it being hard to tell what is the review,
most of your research on teens use of social media
appears to come f rom one source. Can you f ind
more that weigh in on your issue?
2. Working on citation. Your in-text citation looks
pretty good, but your Works Cited page needs some
work.
3. Drawing stronger conclusions at the end of
paragraphs that connect back to the thesis or to
your current point. T his will also help create stronger
organization overall.
4. Giving more details in certain paragraphs. Look f or
the comments to guide you in this matter.
5. Develop the conclusion a little.
Overall, this paper is a good one f or the signif icant
revision. I do think it could be much stronger than it
is right now! We'll be having conf erences soon, so
we can always talk about any questions you have or
changes you've made on this paper. If you have
questions bef ore that point, just shoot me an e-mail!

PAGE 1

Text Comment.

T he intro begins abruptly. How might you

introduce the issue of your paper, the problem,
bef ore even getting to Montgomery and your own research?
I'd suggest a whole
intro bef ore this one.

Text Comment.

no comment

Comment 1
Hours spent online? Hours spent on Facebook, Instagram, and etc.?

Text Comment.

Is this paragraph your review of opinions? While there isn't much research,
it seems a little like that type of paragraph.

Comment 2
What type of connection?

Comment 3
Meaning?
PAGE 2

QM

Number vs. Amount

Use "number" f or nouns that can be counted (like pens, men, dogs, matchbooks, etc.). Use
"amount f or quantities that cannot be individually counted (like love, hope, pleading,
brainwashing, etc.).

Text Comment.

So is your review of opinions about the meaning of "social media?"

Text Comment.

probably

PAGE 3

Comment 4
T o what? Your paper is generally hard to f ollow, and this is a prime example of that. T his
statement implies that you've just mentioned a specif ic question. Maybe that question was
"what is social media" or "how many social media sites do you use," but that really isn't clear.

Text Comment.

Comment 5
Yes, this makes sense, but what is this pattern? Just that it becomes habitual? Because you

haven't made your issue very clear f rom the beginning, it's hard to really see why this
development of a habit or pattern is meaningf ul.

Comment 6
Explain the meaning of this quote more f ully af ter the quote. Specif ically, clarif y f or readers
what "positively associated" means. I imagine this means a positive correlation...?

Text Comment.

Draw a strong conclusion of your own at the end of the paragraph.

Connect back to the thesis or what you are currently trying to prove.
PAGE 4

Text Comment.

Such as? T ell us the secrets. : )

Comment 7
Doesn't this contradict the f irst sentence?
QM

WC
Word choice error:
Sometimes choosing the correct word to express exactly what you have to say is very dif f icult
to do. Word choice errors can be the result of not paying attention to the word or trying too
hard to come up with a f ancier word when a simple one is appropriate. A thesaurus can be a
handy tool when you're trying to f ind a word that's similar to, but more accurate than, the one
you're looking up. However, it can of ten introduce more problems if you use a word thinking it
has exactly the same meaning.
Additional Comment I'd suggest "matched up with..."

Comment 8
Since this is a block quote, you don't have quotes within quotes, and the single quotes here and
in the rest of the block quote should be double quotes. Make sense?
QM

Page
Page number?

Text Comment.

will

Text Comment.

When numbers start sentences, spell them out.

Text Comment.

Forty

PAGE 5

Text Comment.

Well-said! Again, because of the beginning of the paper, it's hard to tell
how meaningf ul this point is to an argument, but it is a nice point.

Text Comment.

Develop your conclusion a little.

PAGE 6

QM

Article Title
T his is an article title. What needs to change about the f ormat?

Text Comment.
QM

T elematics and Inf ormatics 33.2 (2015): 493-499.

Ital.
Italicize

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.

T his citation isn't accurate. See the changes and make the same ones to
the Montgomery source.
QM

Ital.
Italicize

QM

Article Title
T his is an article title. What needs to change about the f ormat?

Comment 10
You need a separate citation f or each individual that you interviewed. T he sources should start
with "Participant 1," "Participant 2," and so f orth.
QM

Ital.
Italicize

QM

Ital.
Italicize