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    1K views16 pages

    The Auditioners

    Uploaded by

    alex5jackson

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    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
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    of 16
    THE AUDITIONERS by Doug Rand Seened (Curtain ups A woman, 1, launches straight into te following ‘monologue She's rly, rely, extremely relodramaic) 1. The raven himself is hoarse “That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan Under my battlements. Come, you spits ‘That tend on moral thoughts, unsex me here, And ill me from the croven tothe te top fll ‘Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood; ‘Stop up the access and passage to remorse, ‘Thatno compunctous vstings of nature Shake my fel purpose, nor keep peace between The eect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, ‘And take my milk fr gall, you murdering ministers Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature's mischil! Come, thick night, ‘And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, ‘That my keen knife se not the wound it makes, [Nor heaven peep through the blanket ofthe dark, Tocry Hold, hold (We ny not even kit's an audition monologue until she's done ‘terwauling, ad the director says.) D. Thank you, {That was my clasical monologue, from The Scottish Pay D.Lknow. 1. was playing the role of Lady MacScotishpay. D. Yes you were |. Should 1 do my contemporary monologue now? . [think Im ready. 10 Doug Rand 4. My contemporary monologue i from The Cautionary Tales by Ben Martin. be playing the role of Suse Jane (She visibly als herself into character, an stars mating again) Itall started in Home Fe class. So innocently 0 easily. My “friend” Jimbo—Ym putting “friend” in air-quotes, because | realize now {that fee was no true frend of mine—Jimbo told me he'd reed that nutmeg can get you high, said, “Very funny, jimbo." He said no, he was serious he said his ‘mom was a pharmacist, and he'd read in one of her books that hile nutmeg in small quantities is a delicious spice that goes Well With paneakes and eggnog, in large quantities it can have Rall natory eects. I said I stil did’ believe hi. He sal "You're just Scared to try it” He dared me to eat al the nutmeg in our Home Ee spice rack Then..then he double, dared me. 1 thought, hey, i's just nutmeg. and I've never backed down on « dare. 50 I cocked my head back, lipped up the lite plate ein: der, and swallowed all ofthat nutmeg in one big “hit” It was disgusting. My throat burned. My eyes were on fie. And Jimbo just sat ther. and lenghed. ‘There was no hallucination. I was sure I'd been duped. But then, a few hours later, on the bus ride home, [fet the strangest sensation, 1 was like my entire body was bathed in warm light, and if | ‘Wanted, I could just float away. I looked outside the bus window, and saw a fantastic landscape of deep crimson flower ficids and ‘cascading lavender waterfalls, plus other colors 'd never imagined ‘in my wildest dreams, By the time I got home, though it was all over. The warm glow was sgonebut I hod to get it back. So 1 ate up all the nutmeg, in my ‘mom's spice rack. When that ran out | taok her credit card and bought more. was totally out of control—I didnt even use a cou- pon. By the end ofthe week, I was so desperate to score nating in ‘bulk that'd started making out withthe floor manager at Cosce, ‘Nutmeg was my life. Thad to have my “fix,” and Ilived forthe next trip." Late one night, while 1 was licking the powder from a ‘wholesale tub of discount nutmeg, the whole hitchen stared The Auaitoners n a pode ee Sees arena Wa oe ie eae rea oo co that looked kes gant od stained porcine Spe an sgl eo Seneca oe Aer ae eel peeee= ei a aed a gn es rs eee coe begins) © Romeo, Romeo=1'm gonna hurt you Romeo evar o Uncle Capul’ party fr montis! And you tide wee png toss in that you tld dane wh me on San ree ack that Hack when you tld me that nas {he mou beta giin the wor and that your ees were oly fore thet ytd de without ny ane Oh, wit, thats Ie els Uke only yesterday you sid these things : Pease fn ol Yet ght bieyo sdety eced that my loser coun Jule shuld get every last scrap of you a 2 Doug Rand Frankly, Romeo, I'm disappointed. I question your judgment, really. Bocause guess what Julies not that pretty. Her eyes are 100 far apart, and she wears too much makeup, and I know from way too many summers at sleepavay camp that she snores like a bear Also, EVI, Romeo, she's thirten. You may not see tat as a problem, ‘but we have certain laws in Verona you might want to think about before busting a move on litle miss alba, Not that you care. You're probably laying the moves on Juliet right ‘now, tonight of all nights: The tortured sighing. The balcony. by ‘moonlight. Therhymed couplets, Ungh, you are 5 predictable ‘And here you told me “the allseving sun ne'er saw my match since frst the world begun.” You wouldn't shut up about my bright eyes, my high forehead and my scarlet lip; my fine foot, straight leg and

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