Commencement

by

Case Blackwell

e-mail:
woodsinthebear@gmail.com

website:
woodsinthebear.com
COMMENCEMENT
August 2010 (Version #1)

CAST
Samantha Clark- 21
Father Aaron O’Dwyer- 50s
Department Heads One through Four- 50s
Mathew Aaron- 21

(Samantha Clark stands at a podium.)

MS. CLARK
Thank you. Thank you. Notre Dame Class of 2010, I am honored
today to introduce our commencement speaker. A graduate of
the class 62 and president of the Priests without Borders
program, it is my pleasure to welcome back Father Aaron S.
O’Dwyer.

(Ms. Clark claps. Father O’Dwyer enters

and shakes Ms. Clark’s hand. Ms. Clark
exits. O’Dwyer crosses himself as he
says the opening Latin prayer.)

FATHER O’DWYER
Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Friends, family
and members of the soon to be departed, it is my honer today
to commit the class of 2010 to the future, life after
graduation and the current job market. Though we all share
the pain of loss as we return these pour souls to the earth,
the promise of eventual economic recovery gives us hope.

Perhaps the finest tribute we can pay to the class of 2010 is

by remembering them not as they are now, but as they once
were. Full of life. Full of dreams. A field of endless
possibilities laid out before them. These days may be long
gone, but they are not forgotten. As the 23rd Psalm says,
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I
will not fear unemployment, for thou diploma art with thee,
and you can’t really put a price on knowledge. Nor can you
put a price on time spent with friends. For a moment let us
remember the many sweet parties the class of 2010’s $160,000
education afforded them. Or, as the 23 psalm continues, thy
rods and staffs have been used most thoroughly, and that’s
what everyone really wants out of college anyway.

Of course, our hearts go out to the families of the dearly

graduated. To the many fathers and mothers and brothers and
sisters, and to the college fund that could perhaps have been
put to better use on a now defaulted mortgage. With this in
mind, let us pray.
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Lord Jesus Christ, by your own years spent wandering and not
using your carpentry degree, you hallowed the grave of
unemployment for all who believe in you, and so made
joblessness a sign of hope that promises resurrection even as
it claims our dignity and sense of worth. Grant that these
graduates may sleep in peace, well into the afternoon on most
days, until you awaken them in glory for you are the
resurrection and can maybe hook some of them up with an
interview. For when an applicant sees the employer face to
face, then he or she will have a better idea of their chances
and know the true splendor of the job market. In your name we
pray, Amen.

I'm now going to invite your valedictorian Samantha Clark

back out to do the intercessions for us.

(Enter Samantha Clark. She stands to

the side of Father O’Dwyer.)

FATHER O’DWYER
Ms. Clark will be saying some prayers and then adding, Lord,
in your mercy, and when she says “Lord in your mercy,”
everyone please respond, “hear our prayer.” Let us practice.

(Ms. Clark takes the podium.)

MS. CLARK
Lord, in your mercy.

AUDIENCE AND O’DWYER

(O’Dwyer should encourage the
audience to respond if
necessary)
Here our prayer.
(If audience responded as desired,
O’Dwyer gives them a thumbs up. If not,
he may have to order another practice.)

MS. CLARK
Gracious Lord, forgive the sins of those who chose a major
based on personal interest, like Philosophy or English. Lord,
in your mercy.

AUDIENCE AND O’DWYER

Here our prayer.

MS. CLARK
Remember dear Lord, this is a liberal arts college after all.
Lord, in your mercy.

O’DWYER AND AUDIENCE

Hear our prayer.
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MS. CLARK
Lord, let us remember that there is always grad school, and
that most banks allow student loans to be put on temporary
hold. Lord, in your mercy.

AUDIENCE AND O’DWYER

Here our prayer.

MS. CLARK
Awesome Lord, let not our parents be too weird about us
moving back home, imposing curfews and other stuff we’re
really all too old for. Lord, in your mercy.

AUDIENCE AND O’DWYER

Here our prayer.

MS. CLARK
And divine, totally understanding, doesn’t-mind-doing-us-a-
solid Lord, let us hope that the term “economic stimulus” is
not total, utter bullshit. Lord, in your mercy.

AUDIENCE AND O’DWYER

Here our prayer.

(Father O’Dwyer takes the podium.)

O’DWYER
Thank you Ms. Clark. The marching band will now lead us in
“Taps” as our department heads bear forth the diplomas.

(Ms. Clark and Father O’Dwyer bow their

heads. “Taps” is played as four
department heads bear out a casket
filled with diplomas. They place it
next to the podium. Three department
heads exit. The remaining Department
Head pulls a diploma out of the casket.
He takes the podium.)

DEPARTMENT HEAD ONE

I know this will be difficult, but let’s try to get through
it. Ahem. Mathew Aaron, double major in History and Latin.

(Enter Mathew Aaron. He takes his

diploma solemnly, poses for a joyless
picture, and then exits. Department
Head One starts crying.)

DEPARTMENT HEAD ONE

I’m sorry. He was just so young.

(Blackout.)