So, there is a way to do this

He said
There is a way to both breathe and hold your breath
But you have to be willing to go underwater
That floating world of the unspoken fear and fascination

(This is not the way I planned to tell you

I am packing a bag for Paris and won’t be needing the
Letters you wrote all those years ago
This is not a time for capitulations or regrets
But they are a sadly similar and vaguely familiar
Heartbeat.)

I am through with death and dying to myself

That saintly sacrificial rite that was beaten into my bone,
I am through with that song I keep writing for you in
The dark
I am through with the totality of my second-guessings
I want to transform until i breathe underwater
swimming for the deep end
The deepest blue calling and all the strange creatures
You can only find on the very bottom
But you have to be willing to risk compression
Squeezing the air from your veins
until you are blood and water
Only.
This time I won’t lose my nerve
And come up for air.
This time I will become the sea creature
Who will never be found by National Geographic
Or filmed at 11.
This time I won’t call you when
I get nervous about everything I want.