Dialogue to an Ecology of Self Peace: Training Manual (Forgive for Good

Center for Forgiveness Education, Montclair, New Jersey, 2010)

By Ken Silvestri Comments: drkennethsilvestri@gmail.com

Being Peaceful

“Healing is not a science but the intuitive art of wooing nature” W.H. Auden

“The universe is a significant single whole…the most important function of art

and science is to awaken this feeling and keep it alive in those who are receptive to
it.” Albert Einstein

“Daughter: Daddy, are these conversations serious?

Father: Certainly they are.

D: They are not a sort of game that you play with me?

F: God forbid… but they are a sort of

game that we play together.

D: Then they’re not serious!

F: I don’t mind – not much – about winning or losing. When your questions put me
in a tight spot, sure, I try a little harder to think straight and to say clearly what I
mean. But I don’t bluff and I don’t set traps. There is no temptation to cheat.

D: That’s just it… It’s a game. People who cheat just don’t know how to play.
They treat a game as though it were serious.

F: But it is serious.”

From “Metalogue: About Games and Being Serious”, in Steps to an Ecology of

Mind, by Gregory Bateson (New York: Ballantine Books, 1972), p. 14

Daughter: How do we find peace?

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Father: Wow that is an interesting and profound question. I believe that finding
peace has many pathways. Here is how Merriam-Webster defines peace. It is a
state of tranquility or quiet: as a: freedom from civil disturbance b: a state of
security or order within a community provided for by law or custom, 2: freedom
from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions, 3: harmony in personal
relations. I find this very exciting because it opens the door to so many different
contexts for finding peace. Think about the possibilities. Every snow flake is
unique as is every breath and finger print. Even tears from various emotions appear
dissimilar under a microscope. We all are unusual enough to find our very own
kind of peace. How wonderful is that.

D. So we all can find it in our own special way?

F. Yes and it kind of follows a process and also has biology of its own.

D. Oh boy! Is this complicated?

F. Not really. Let me give you an example from my life. During the 1970s and
80’s, I summered in Provincetown Massachusetts. This allowed me alternative
work experiences, pleasure and community. During this time I found many
moments of peace. Provincetown has this amazing tidal phenomenon which allows
you to walk for what seems like an eternal amount of distance in the bay at low
tide. The power of the returning tide however comes on schedule in a rapid circular
and timely existence. Knowing I only had x amount of time one afternoon I bagged
my collection of shells and other artifacts and turned toward the shore line. I was
forced by some powerful inner sense to pause and look at the fragile coast line and
wharfs in the distance. I could see my insignificant yet vital part of this moment. I
truly witnessed a reverence and as they say in Buddhism a “satori” of sorts, a
moment of “Ah! I understand.” A feeling of peace at that moment was my
appreciation and awe of this slice of man and nature’s coexistence. This truly
pointed to a rightful hierarchical reality. Nature allowed this and could, with a
swoop of a hurricane, demolish it. Peace cannot exist without a respect for nature.

D. Don’t mess with Mother Nature!

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F. Yes but the word peace is more than the thing and the map is not the territory.
So I asked myself, what is the terrain we need to navigate to find peace?

D. Ok! I am confused. You mean there is more to it than just the word “Peace.”

F. Yes, It is like the word “Gaia” which the Greeks use to describe the earth. It
means that the earth is more than the sum of its parts, it has an existence all its
own. Yet, to understand it you need to experience its parts for yourself and see how
it all relates and is connected.

D. And we can each do this?

F. Yes, it is without doubt personal and available to all. What I witnessed on the
flats in Provincetown was that being peaceful is to have a “beginner’s mind.” This
simply means to pause and focus for several profound moments on what nature has
to offer. This slowing down allows us to view nature as a part-to-whole
interconnected process. I learned this from my mentor Paul Byers who said in my
first anthropology class that “Love” is recognizing how we are all inter-connected
and having “wisdom” understands how we are connected to nature.

D. It seems like common sense.

F. I imagine that most of us would agree that not recognizing our mutual
interdependence with others and especially with nature is not healthy. Being
peaceful is not the final word to being healthy, that would be too easy. No single
modality has the market on healing. However peacefulness does have the promise
for healing and creating wholeness. It celebrates all the possibilities that can make
our life more fulfilling. It resonates with our human resilience and reverence for
nature.

D. Then why do we mess with nature and have all these problems from not having
peace?

F. My study of anthropology has taught me the importance of knowing how it is to

be human. It taught me to appreciate our inherent potential. When barriers to
reaching one’s potential arise, it inevitably can be traced to the difference between
how we think nature is and how it actually functions. Now what is exhilarating
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here is that solutions are found in this gap. It is where we can understand how to
attain peace.

D. But there is plenty of hurt and suffering going on when we don’t see how nature
works.

F. You are certainly correct. Finding peace does not minimize that there is
suffering or pain in our world. It is transcends dwelling on negative thoughts which
definitely produces pain. Peacefulness can be seen as a win-win volley in a ping
pong game, if one spikes the ball both lose. Keeping the ball on the table depends
on recognizing how all the nuances of each moment can blend. For example if f I
say I am going out for pizza pie and you respond that you understand I am out for
roofing nails we may have a communication issue.

D. Ha Ha, definitely not a good thing for dinner.

F. The truth is we all have been spiked, hurt and have had pain. It is part of the
natural good and bad or yin-yang process of being human. The danger is that we
can become vulnerable and accustomed to perpetuating these hurts. This stops us
from using resources that can help us overcome pain.

D. What do you mean?

F. Well dwelling and accepting pain sabotages our nervous and immune systems.
Resolving problems are possible but in the present where the immediate sensation
or pain exists. The past is something we have no power or control to change. The
present has the resources needed to celebrate possibilities that can alter and
successfully deal with our problems.

D. I am still not sure I understand.

F. Let me put this in perspective. Ask yourself what does living mean. How is it
to be fully alive? Does living include suffering? On the low tide flats in
Provincetown I saw remarkable evidence of nature’s plan of growth and demise.
Sprawling examples of death and decay and innovative seeds of growth and
replenishment were evident. All this was juxtaposed and within my view.
Understanding how the world says “no” is to embrace suffering with compassion.
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Flowers are always on their way to becoming garbage and garbage is on its way to
producing flowers. There are no opposites in nature, but rather a unity, that as we
learned from what is called quantum physics, is in the form of energy that connects
us all. So whether our task is as simple as washing dishes or acknowledging a
sunny day, or seeing the Cape Code shoreline, it is part of a wider connection.

D. And we all have access to this energy from how nature works. This is really
cool!

F. Yes and it can be a very positive energy. Michelangelo was to have said, while
gazing at a large dirty marble slab, “I know there is a beautiful statue in there.”
Similarly there is a story of a little girl frantically throwing star fish back into the
ocean after thousands were marooned from a violent storm. A passerby looks and
says to her why bother, it doesn’t matter, there are so many, and she replies “but it
matters to this one.”

D. We are so very connected yet not everybody accepts this.

F. Well true but what I have found after practicing psychotherapy for thirty years is
the human spirit has integrity because it has a sense of unity. If you are discovering
what it means to be human, you step outside of your ego and pay homage to
humanity.

D. How so?

F. Here is an exercise you can try. Stop and concentrate on your breath for a few
moments. Scan the room and feel yourself in this present moment. Now let your
mind come back to your body and say to yourself “I am alive.” Pause and be
aware of your breath. Feel the difference of each breath. Now widen your lens,
stretch your peripheral vision and see the corners of the room. Go beyond the
confines of the room and feel all that nature has to offer. Pause once again and now
using your senses feel, see, and hear everything as you revisit the room. This is a
detector of sorts allowing us to understand the good and bad of natures plan. Bring
yourself back to your breath. Accept the always present challenges that are in store
for you as you navigate your life. Feel your breath and from your heart say once

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again that “I am alive.” Pause for a few moments and notice what is now
different about this present moment.

D. Well I can see and feel how so many things are happening at the same time. Is
this what you call perspective?

F. Yes, you got it!

D. What stops us from using this perspective and finding peace more easily?

F. There are many barriers that keep us out of sync with nature. Let me go out on a
limb here, Stay with me. There is a word Iatrogenic (i-a-tre-je-nik) coined by Ivan
Illich, the famous Jesuit scholar. It means the self fulfilling prophesy of
physician/hospital induced symptoms. Nearly 70% of those in hospitals are there
as result of secondary causes from medications and fragmented treatment. One
hundred thousand people die of hospital infections each year. Surprisingly, this
occurs with little media coverage as compared to the mass reporting of the recent
four Toyota caused deaths. This is not to say that hospitals are not important nor is
any death.

D. Yes, it still seems like common sense to have a wider view of healing. How can
it be that people go to a hospital to get better and end up not getting better?

F. You are correct. My point is why are the majority of those in hospitals part of
this self fulfilling process. This is even more alarming since the American Medical
Association is now recognizing stress as the origin to just about all chronic
illnesses necessitating hospital admissions. In other words the primary causes
which could have in most cases been treated without medications is no longer the
focus of healing.

D. Does this happen elsewhere, other than hospitals?

F. The Iatrogenic process occurs in other institutions and throughout our society.
In my field of psychotherapy, many colleagues see “patients” for years without
moving past the “how do you feel” question. This can truly be a domain of misery.
Again the change that is needed will only come from recognizing the core of the
pain not just the consequences. The brain is “state dependent.” It can become
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comfortable perpetuating pain by adhering to repetitive behavior. Individuals who

may have been verbally abused as children often seek out future friends and
significant others with that same quality.

D. This sounds so not peaceful. Why does it continue?

F .The ecological movement of the sixties explained how we can continue

injurious behaviors and institutions. The chemical DDT, for instance was
originally heralded for saving crops of cabbages from a bug infestation. There was
little recognition of a wider perspective. Unfortunately the chemical went up the
food chain eventually found in human breast milk. It caused the demise of several
species of animals. This produced a consequence that can be described as a double
bind. Something that is good in one context but not in a wider context (see
definition at end of the essay).

D. Is that like the dog chasing it own tail and being “damn if you do and damn if
you do not?”

F. Pretty much so. Double binds can be devastating and injurious. They can also be
the “grist” for creativity. It is the place where solutions can best occur. This is the
basis for art and in many ways the closest we can ever get to mimicking how
nature works. Creativity and wonderment is a consequence of pushing though
double binds and producing a wider a perspective.

D. Wow! This is what nature and creativity is about?

F. Yes, pretty neat! Understanding nature is respecting how it encompasses good

and bad into a process that maintains its balance. That field of study I mentioned
before, Quantum physics explains this by showing how two opposing views can
both be correct in nature. Remember some of those nature documentaries we
watched when you might see a predator vanquish a baby cub.

D. Oh god how sad I would get.

F. Yet, in the wider scope of things this supports an ecological balance. In this
process there is an energy that is homeostatic and keeps the system going. When

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we are in tune with nature we are creative. This is what we call “aestheticism,” the
human metaphor for nature.

D. What do you mean by homeostatic. I hope the name is not the thing here!

F. Ha, you got me there. Let me try to explain this because it is important. When I
was a young teacher in my hometown of Paterson New Jersey, I was part of an
alternative high school program for “disaffected” youth. In other words a school
for those labeled as “trouble makers.” I was told by the administration that if we
can get rid of those fifty or so disruptive kids the school climate would improve.
So armed with my newly found systemic “part-to-whole” perspective I said, ok. I
was given fifty students and we started a program for them. Much to the surprise of
the powers to be, somehow, fifty new students became the identified “trouble
makers.”

D. Yikes! Fifty others took their place!

F. Yes exactly that is what happened. The structure of the school needed those
“type” of students to continue on its dysfunctional way. Punishment was now
considered as the solution. Similar to DDT it was a short lived success. It did not
alter the school climate. Like a watch with many interconnected gears, a flaw in
one gear can produce a 25 hour time frame. Finding that flaw and how it relates to
the other parts was the place or as I say the “context” for resolving problems and
making differences that made a difference.

D. Was there a solution?

F. Oh yes, a community based program based on empathy and respect for the
individual learning styles of the students brought success, self esteem and pride.

D. Nice! So how does this relate to us humans and nature?

F. Nature is a system with many parts and we are motivated by our immediate
environment. Our sub conscious mind, you know that part we are not always aware
of is hung up on facts and content. It is constantly interacting with our conscious
mind, the part we use to get through every day. It gives us information regarding
all the possible injuries of life but does not always provide perspective.
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D. Sounds a bit scary!

F. Well, let me try to make it less scary. There is a Sanskrit word “ahimsa,” one of
my favorites which mean to lessen those injuries and pain. Pain comes from the
world’s tendency to say “no” as much as “yes.” It is the basis for what the
Buddhist call “suffering.” The way to overcome suffering (as in resolving double
binds) is to rise above it and simultaneously see our world as being interconnected
or as you said putting nature in perspective.

D. It makes sense but still how is it that so many do not get it.

F. It is again that word “Gaia” which eloquently describes nature as being more
than the sum of its parts. If this is not recognized we fall prey to believing the
whole is equal to the sum of the parts. Gaia is a paradox of sorts, a vital part of a
healthy eco-system. It is a leap of faith asking us to believe in what seems to be a
contradiction. The whole earth having an existence all of its own and understood
through its many parts. William Blake said it best, if we wish we can “see the
landscape from a grain of sand.” It is the “I and thou” reality or seeing our
interconnectedness of the world as Gaia.

D. I and Thou?

F. Yes, a famous Jewish Theologian Martin Buber believed that we can see things
as separate “I and it” or as interconnected as “I and thou.”

D. I see a unity that respects nature as compared to feeling separate which messes
with nature. Any more examples on how this can be shared with others looking for
peace?

F. Try this; I got this from watching a television show called Mr. Wizard when I
was a kid. It is called the “nine dot exercise.”

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Nine dots exercise:

0 0 0
0 0 0
0 0 0
connect all dots with 4 continuous lines.

It can be done and how it is accomplished points out the need for new insights and
change.

D. Very cool indeed!

F. Here is visualization on attitude that helps:

Relax your body and consider that our beliefs are illusions. We cling and if we
don’t know who we are we will have conflicting opinions within ourselves. Try
committing to letting go of your preconceptions. See what is out there not what
you want to see. In aikido, a martial art dedicated to peace and harmony, we are
taught to not resist change, and it is useless to try. If you are attached to approval
of others you will lack the spontaneity to reconcile an attack.

Relax and make yourself soft. Put your shoulders in their natural position. Let your
jaw drop with gravity, loosen your abdominal area. Allow your buttock to not be
tense, unlock your knees and breathe up from your soles, caressing every cell in
your body up to your heart. Catch a heartbeat and say to yourself that your heart
beats well. Then exhale though the top of your head, to the sky and beyond. Enter a
state of “beginners mind.” Have no expectation. Substitute “and” for “but” in your
vocabulary. Remember your feelings are like muscles, when they are tense you are
heavy not soft.

In moments of crisis or conflict when the parts of the world seem to be at odds try
creating a “we” attitude. When competition and struggles are based on satisfying
your ego, soften your breath and allow the “we” to take precedence. The “we” is a

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win-win framework. Ask what do “we” want to happen and what is best for us, and
then the next step will appear. This is the world of possibility. A place where there
is no division between ideas and actions; mind and body; dreams and reality.
Within this realm is our “vision” that will articulate the possibilities that make a
difference. It is a place where context not content is in front of us. Here we may
differentiate between the heaviness of quantity and the lightness of quality. In this
realm an attack is only an attack if it is perceived as an attack. However if you
perceive an attackers pain, you will find empathy. No offense is no attack; we need
not play the role the attacker may want us to play.

D. Thanks Dad, I have a lot to think about.

F. My pleasure..Love and peace to you!!

Understanding Peace

“To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in
the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour” William Blake

Daughter: How can people begin to understand what peace is?

Father: Well another good question. I believe that understanding peace is to be

forgiving. Forgiveness is a choice one can make to move from both physical and
emotional consequences of a painful event, to a more peaceful and healthier life.

D. I know a lot of friends who feel that they cannot forgive; that is a sign of
weakness.

F. People have different understandings of the meaning of forgiveness. Some view

forgiveness as condoning another’s actions; others believe that forgiveness means
to forget or to excuse the infraction. My friend Fred Luskin wrote a bestselling
book “Forgive for Good,” and he says that it is not denying or minimizing any hurt
or excusing poor behavior.

D.It can be hard to become friends with someone who may have hurt you.

F. Yes that is true but forgiveness is not forgetting how painful an experience was
or reconciling, but instead focusing on the process of moving from the past into a

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future with hope. Ultimately, forgiveness is keeping you center and can be used as
a very powerful tool to find peace.

D. How do you stay forgiving?

F. Being forgiving is an ongoing process of becoming conscious of what is

unconscious.

D. Dad that is very esoteric!

F. Well it is and it isn’t. In eastern thought no self is wholeness because one has to
dissolve all aspects of ego and logic to truly connect to nature. Unresolved
grievances or not getting what you want feed the unconscious with pain.

D. Sounds like a good place to start conflicts.

F. True, but conflict does not have to be negative as many believe. It just is what it
is, a double bind, damn if you do and damn if you don’t looking for a wider
context to be creatively resolved.

D. In what way?

F. For instance, when we are impatient it is a consequence of losing sight of wider

connections. An interesting fact is that our sub conscious processes things at 20
million stimuli per second while our conscious processes in about 40 per second.
There will be no amount of yelling or demands that can change the subconscious
when it is revved up. However, when it is calm we are balanced. The process is
humble when we are conscious of the unconscious and then there is no reason to
lose our hopes, desires and integrity.

D. So the goal is to balance our conscious and unconscious parts of our mind. How
does that relate to nature?

F. By being centered we can better access nature. Nature does not selectively play
dice or pick on one person to suffer. There are no true dichotomies in nature, the
good and bad interplay to form grist that is both creative and destructive. We can
never comprehend all of the infinite interactions in nature. When we calm our
unconscious we can take advantage of our world of symbols and myth that brings
us as close as we can get to feel, touch, smell and hear all that is nature.
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D. Do you have a visualization that deals with anger and conflict?

F. Yes, there is a story about the Buddha coming to a temple to give a sermon.
When he arrived his congregation remained outside, saying that a snake was
preventing them from entering. The Buddha, like Harry Potter spoke to the snake,
and everyone entered the temple. After the sermon, the Buddha was the last to
leave but on the path he heard some rustling and crying. There was the snake all
beat up and hurting. The Buddha asked the snake what had happened, and he told
the Buddha that his congregation beat him up. The Buddha paused and then said, I
told you not to bite, but I did not tell you not to hiss.

D. Ah, this is a lesson well learned!

F. When I am teaching anger and conflict resolution, I always ask if anyone can
remember a time when they bite and not hissed. What was the consequence? How
did they feel about conflict? Is it good or bad? How might you deal with conflict if
it is a natural part of nature? What if you embrace conflict as the grist for
creativity? How can you create a goal of being enlightened? If conflict is not a
contest what would be your intended outcome? Consider what would happen if
you deal with conflict with passivity or aggression? How would conflict evolve if
you use assertiveness as your mode of conflict resolution?

D. Any visualizations or exercises to make this point?

F. Here is one. Try detaching from an experience of conflict in your life. Take a
deep breath and slowly raise your arms, stand on your toes and then exhale as you
lower your body and bring your arms down. Turn your body to the left with hands
outstretched. Make a mental note where your left index finger is pointing. Repeat
this but this time move from your center or “Ki” (about an inch below your navel).
Continue breathing gently. Now see where your left index finger is pointing.
Stretch your center and now view conflict from a more balanced place.

Here is visualization on having a “Crap Detector.” It allows one to expand reality

with wisdom. Try imagining a silk thread pulling your head to an erect position.
Allow your body to follow its direction. Let positive energy glow through you and
around you. Sense your surrounding environment; tell your soul that it is multi-
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leveled. There are no accidents in this frame. Open your being to connecting with
others. Channel your energy through them and from them. Let your ki introduce
your soul to yourself. Feel the energy flow from your belly to the fringes of your
body and existence. Relax your facial muscles; move downward to release all
tension in your body. Stand up and walk with a new spring to your steps. Feel the
balls of your soles touch the ground with new awareness. Each part of you is
connected to the whole which is now more than all the parts of the universe. You
are now connected to the universal energy that feeds our existence.

D. We all have the potential to be healthy and find peace.

F. Yes that is the message. Peace is simply for you not the others or the situation
that brought you pain. It is taking back your power. Self peace takes
responsibility for how you feel and it celebrates your strengths. It can be learned
and improves your mental and physical health. Further it is not denying,
minimizing or condoning your hurt. Finding peace is not reconciling with an
offender or your pain and most of all it does not mean you have to give up your
feelings.

Here is visualization about opposites and strength.

Think of how our world is full of imposed “opposites” i.e. young and old, bad and
good...go inside yourself and rise above the world of opposites...in what ways do
the peculiarities of the world effect you…jobs, friendships, environment...what
emotional experiences come to your mind..What physical feelings arise? Take
three deep diaphragm breathes...soften your belly- respond to a symptom, an event,
person or an emotion based on not getting something you wanted in life and
welcome it rather than lament on it...take note of any strange, rare, extraordinary,
peculiar and unique symptoms that may arise.

D. I can see how this brings us closer to nature, but how can we continue to do this
every day?

F. The “Bricleur” described by anthropologist Levi Strauss is a good example. He

is the French handy man who uses all his worldly tools. It is in you and in
everyone. It is your aesthetic resource and resilience that we all have to see the
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whole picture. From this perspective we can celebrate the possibilities and
solutions. This is the recognition that things in nature are connected, not just
fragments, but a universal light/energy available to all.

I have a dear friend who I lived with for awhile. He had a barn that was filled with
just about everything you can imagine. There were tools, artifacts, and all kinds of
gadgets. Nothing was ever thrown away, but stored somewhere in what seemed
like endless chaos. One day my bicycle was not working and I had no idea what to
do. My friend, calmed me down enough so I would not start kicking the tires,
paused and contemplated on the situation. He did a few movements on the bike, a
jiggle and a twist, then he slowly but surely started moving the rubble and artifacts
in his barn. Suddenly he climbed up over furniture and tools to come up with a
small washer the size of a dime. Within minutes my bike was purring again.

D. So being unconnected or not aware of what is going on in our unconscious

disconnects us from nature and eventually from finding peace?

F. Yes and it produces pain. The impact of unresolved hurt in our unconscious
lowers our immune system. It is as simple as that. In a society where entitlement is
seen as a god given right we have created a dangerous cultural pattern of
selfishness and stress inducing situations. We have to seek out the origins of our
pain and stop the hurtful consequences.

D. How does it really hurt our immune system?

F. In a University of Kentucky study of nuns over their life span novices were
evaluated regarding seeing the glass half full or empty. The result was that the half
full individuals lived ten years longer than their counterparts. This is equal to a life
span shortened by having smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. In another study done
at Stanford University a control group was asked to think negatively for four
minutes. Their immune system was lowered for four hours. This type of research
points out that negativity leads to bad health.

D. It can’t be easy changing our culture!

F. True our culture has a dependence on entitlement and greed. Walking down the
street we can see drivers with rage or common folk getting upset at not getting a
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parking space. At the same time, nearly 200,000 Americans are suffering from mal
nutrition. Two billion people in the world lack drinkable water and less than 3% of
our population controls approximately 98% of our nation’s wealth. The world may
say no but attaining peace individually has a ripple effect and addresses cultural
inequities and inevitably improves global respect for nature.

D. Sounds bad! But also hopeful!

F. My friend John Wellshons writes in his great book “When Payers are not
Answered,” That..the acceptance of things as they are in this context does not
mean complacency…the acceptance of things as they are is merely intended to
alleviate suffering we habitually create in our minds with the desire to change
things we simply cannot change (151).” I am convinced after all my years as a
psychotherapist that all presenting symptoms are a consequence of grievances at
odds with nature. The reality is that we have choices to be positive or negative and
in the end the sun still shines.

D. How do we make grievances?

F. I always ask people who are willing to address their pain to think of a person or
event they have not forgiven or something they did not get. Then I ask how they
felt about this.

D. What is their response?

F. They realize that grievances are formed when people are unable to deal
successfully with not getting what they wanted and then they rent too much space
in their minds to the injustice

This is the grievance process we go through even when the disappointment is as

severe and horrible as the loss of a loved one or having to wait an extra moment in
a supermarket line or in traffic when we are late for an appointment.

D. Then what happens?

F. They feed and nurture these grievances and can keep a hurt alive forever. This is
what happens when we refuse to forgive and cannot find peace. The “grievance
story” makes us suffer physically.
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D. This seems to be what stops us from respecting nature and finding peace.

F. Yes the ability to get over our wounds is crucial to finding peace and being in
tune with nature.

The Biology of Peace

“And even if I was right in the science, I could be wrong in the spirit.” Mehmet
Oz

D. How does peace have biology?

F. Our Nervous System is basically made up of two main parts; the “calm” part
and the “revved” up part. Within this complex system is the Vegus nerve. It gets its
name from the Latin origin for “wandering.” It covers much of the upper body and
is the nerve of “compassion.” The consequences of a revved up Nervous System or
“flight or fight” puts us in the “protector mode” which over rides our nurturing
mode.

D. So what happens when we are not being nurtured?

F. We are actually dumber when frightened. The Nervous System is made up of

specialized cells that are responsive to the environment. We now know that cell
membranes actually read information from our environment. When we become
over stressed our muscles, other than those in our limbs which are accentuated to
fight or flight become weaker. Stress hormones also shrink the center of our higher
reasoning portion of our brain. FDR had it right when he said that the only thing
we have to fear is fear itself.

D. So how does this stop us from being peaceful?

F. This underscores the importance of making peace with the “no.” We don’t own
things; we basically rent our material things. There is a story of a monk who after
traveling a long distance enters a palace of a local prince. The monk asked if he
may rent a room. The prince insists that he stay as his guest and that his palace is
not for rent. The monk asks who lived here before the prince. The prince answered
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my deceased father and before him my grandfather. The monk responded “then
how is this palace not a rental.” Ever since hearing this story I often jest with my
friend at the local cleaners. He always tells me what nice shirts I own and I respond
that I am just renting them from him. This always results in a long belly laugh and
a nod of wisdom, a true everyday paradox.

D. Pretty funny! So how does this all work in our body?

F. Within our protection mode is the Hypothalamus, Pituitary, Adrenal axis (HPA).
It has good intentions but it sabotages the immune system. It activates our
sympathetic “fight or flight” pattern. There is no differentiation with the type of
upset that is occurring. The process is set in motion regardless. The hypothalamus
regulates body temperature, blood pressure, heartbeat, metabolism of fats and
carbohydrates, and sugar levels in the blood. It also plays an important part in
emotions such as pleasure and anger. The pituitary gland secretes hormones that
regulate homeostasis functions, while the adrenal gland releases hormones in
conjunction with stress.

D. Sounds like grand central control!

F. Yes, in short the Nervous System monitors environmental signals through the
HPA axis. The Hypothalamus secretes corticotrophin to the pituitary which
launches the body’s organs into action. The adrenal coordinates the fight or flight
process. This results in an excess of hormones then constricts the blood vessels of
the digestive tract. Then preferentially nourishes tissues in the arms and legs. The
subconscious buttons get pushed as mentioned above processing at 20 million
stimuli per second. Our conscious that processes only 40 per second goes on auto
pilot. Again there is no amount of reasoning that can change the sub conscious
when it is influenced by the “revved” up part of our nervous system. You cannot
change what you cannot change.

D. How does our nervous system get all its information to act this way?

F. Our conscious mind and cells experience signals as emotions. Membranes of

cells have gates and portals which witness our environment and then send out
unique energy signatures representing our world view. When we think negatively
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we are producing a “nocebo “effect. If we tell a story that hurts our nervous system
we will not be in a position to create solutions.

D. Sounds like it is best to be positive?

F. You can say that again! Rose colored glasses are actually necessary for your
cells to thrive. Positive thoughts are a biological mandate for health. If the Vegus
nerve does function optimally with compassion, our karma truly is the survival of
the good.

D. Have any examples or exercises to make this easier to understand?

F. Here is an exercise on creating on solutions. We are personally responsible for

everything in our life when we become aware that we are personally responsible
for everything in our life. We are individually and simultaneously part of nature.
List the ways you have dealt with your grievances by using three columns; one for
your thoughts, feelings, and actions related to your pain After pausing and
reflecting place a star next to the ways that have not brought about a solution. Take
a mind and body inventory of how you feel about this.

We continue to make bad attempts at solutions. Life will improve if you stop bad
attempts. Blame and demands only make situations worse. It is better to focus on
solutions rather than problems. Working toward peace flourishes on wishes and
desires. After pondering your attempts at change in the exercise take some soft
belly breathes. Hold an image of gratefulness in your heart. Be compassionate and
experience awe and wonder. Ask your heart for skillful ways to manage the
hurt. Learn from the pain. Smile and reflect on these possibilities. Now retake
your inventory of how you feel.

D. Ah I think I get it now!

F. Good. May peace be with you!!

The Process of Peace

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“The cause of a thing or an event can never be at the same time the thing or event
itself...” or “the map is not the territory.” Gregory Bateson

Daughter: So what kind of process leads to self peace?

Father: Well I believe there are three main ingredients needed for attaining and
sustaining peace. Like a recipe for a well baked loaf of bread, these ingredients are
wholesome and organic.

D. Ok I am ready to bake and shake for peace!

F. Firstly we need to celebrate interpersonal relationships with all its

possibilities

D. Could you be more specific?

F. Yes, when we communicate there are superimposed rhythms that join us. We
actually synchronize with our underlying biological rhythms.

D. Are you saying it is all biological?

F. Yes and no. There definitely are implicit rules that are part of communication.
This process is outside of our explicit awareness. Therefore it is best that we
focusing on how we “tune” into rather than “doing” things to each other.

D. Not sure I understand this. Are you saying we have to do certain things to
synchronize?

F. Well when we deemphasize the doing things we can just “be” with ourselves
and others. This allows us to celebrate the possibilities that can lead to learning,
empathy and forgiveness that foster peace. It is like a win-win volley which has no
place for win-lose interactions. It produces a “softening” of our being. It is a
collaboration that develops an awareness of our good intentions. In short we need
to pause and be in awe of our unique opportunity to join and share our humanity.

D. What is communication?

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F. Another good question. Communication is the process by which any two pieces
of the universe finds their relationship to each other. So going back to your
question about how biology plays into our relationships. Communication consists
of interpersonal rhythms and these rhythms lie between the biological and cultural
realms of our species.

D. How does this affect our communication?

F. It allows for our conversations to adjust and correct themselves, similar to how
in the martial art Aikido one dances in the flash and flow of win-win energy.

D. And if this does not occur.

F. Flaws in this process point out pathology. Conversely, “harmony” is the sharing
of our “aesthetic” experience. Shared synchrony and chemistry is available to all
humans. When this is recognized, it is felt as the ideal human game. It is a
wonderful context of awareness and intimacy with unlimited potential.

D. When does this happen?

F. Think of a time when you truly felt that you were communicating with a
friend or loved one, how did you feel?

D. I get it, I felt good. Harmonious! Ok what of the next ingredient.

F. Understand the interconnections of nature.

D. Could you give me some more examples about this?

F. When we talk of respecting nature we need to use a systemic or wide angle lens.
Doing this lets us see how something is good in one context but may not be in
another wider context.

D. Like quantum physics we discussed earlier?

F. Yes and there is that classic example of the pesticide DDT that demonstrates the
injurious consequences of not recognizing the interconnections of nature. Here is a
visualization exercise to help make this point. Put yourself in a relaxing position;
back, neck and head upright, and pick something to focus on. As you maintain
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your focus on the fixed object, try seeing the other parts of where you may be,
i.e. your peripheral surroundings. Listen to whatever sounds are present and
imagine the smells and feelings that are in your awareness of your present
environment.

D. Well this is a beginning to respecting how things are all connected. What is the
third ingredient?

F. Simply respect culture, temperament, diversity and collective connections.

D. What does this mean?

F. How one feels and adapts are cues to one’s way of gathering information. We
have an inherent nature that constantly moves toward collaboration. Understanding
the multitude of possibilities that we are capable to experience allows for our
ability to see connections. This in turn creates a sensitivity to the nuances of
ethnicity, gender, race, class and diversity that makes up our environment.

D. This can be a great challenge.

F. That is for sure. Reconciling subjective and objective experiences is one of the
ongoing challenges within our human fallibility. The unconscious is experienced
information derived from inherent instincts, ancestral connections, and universal
archetypes.

D. What are Archetypes and how do they relate to temperament?

F. Archetypes are symbols of universal patterns and motifs that are common to
humanity. They are seen in myth, religion and fairy tales beyond what can be
understood through personal assumptions. The objective psyche “self” is an
energetic field of experience revealed through these archetypes with the purpose of
creating wholeness. The more we understand our self and temperament, the
more secure our egos can be and we can let go of selfish desires and connect
with the universal energy. Think of your temperament, how do you
communicate and listen, what is your comfort level. Celebrate and respect
your style.

D. Ok now that you have the ingredients, what is the recipe?

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F. Once you have the ingredients in place the recipe is easy to follow. Here are the
steps and recipe to the ecology of self peace:

1) Know exactly how you feel

3) Establish your goal (where)

4) Choose to forgive and who you will be with peace

5) Find your positive emotions and with what resources/modalities you have as
your resilience

6) Why are expectations and unenforceable rules blocking your healing

7) Look for your positive intent and have new skills rather than feel bad

8) Live a life well lived and appreciate your good points

9) Amend your grievance story to reflect your heroic choice to learn, grow, and
forgive for peace

D. Let’s go through the steps in this recipe.

F. Good let’s do some cooking and start with

1. Knowing how you feel which is going beyond the consequences of your core
grievance. It is here that we need to use that first ingredient of celebrating
interpersonal communication. We need to tune in to others to “be” not just “do.” It
is important to join, synchronize and participate in life. Being passive in today’s
world will not allow us to reach the fruitions of our potential. At the same time we
cannot take ourselves so seriously. For instance, do you know the names of your
great grand parents? The point here is to know what it is you are not getting, and
then take things less personally.

D. Any exercises to enhance this first step?

F. Yes it is called the Widenening the Lens Exercise: Focus on your present
situation or problem as if using a camera lens. Concentrate on how you feel, see,
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hear, what you may touch or smell. Define your situation, what is the meaning of
this present moment. Now widen your lens, stretch your view to include the
corners of the room, expanding it even further to include the outside environment.
Include even wider levels beyond what your senses are providing i.e. the economy,
world issues, family, friends, work etc. Now return to your original present
situation. How do you perceive it to be different? What new perspective can
you create?

D. Well is it like what we did on understanding peace. It is gaining perspective.

F. Correct knowing how you feel is dependent on perspective. When you complete
this step we can move to the second step which is:

2) Know what you want to commit to in order to feel better: This is for you not
others. Here we need to avoid defending old habits. As we change our perspective,
we widening our lens and can make a choice of a life of fear or love. All this is
within our options. Your mind will construct your reality so it is best to work from
desires and wishes.

D. How does this create our reality?

F. Well is creates a clarity about what your commitment will be. Committing to
feel better is a goal that is uniquely related to your resilience. Keep a journal of
your commitment. Remember what it is you have tried and what barriers have
prevented you from maintaining your commitment. Keep your perspective in the
present. What is it that you want to commit yourself to in order to feel better?

D. Sounds like the recipe is progressing!

F. Yes, and the next step gives it some form and this is the need to:

3) Establish your goal and where you are heading. Looking for peace is not
condoning or minimizing your pain or hurt. It is giving the feeling in step one
some form which is our presenting grievance. Where is this grievance in your
journey toward peace? How personal is your grievance? Is there blame, and are
you a victim? How can you make a difference that is a difference to attain your
goal? Every grievance has a circle of related symptoms. How we deal with our tale
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of woe is how we express and identify our stressors. Can we avoid dichotomies
when setting goals? Remember your goal is to have peace. Where are you
heading?

D. There are definitely many questions to answer to find out where we are going
and how to reach our goals.

F. Yes and when we set our goals we can add step 4 which is to:

4) Choose to forgive and who you are and will be puts things in context. This
will make it easier to identify what barriers may be preventing your journey to
attain to peace. Here are some questions that can help your choice. Can you
accept the “no” of the world? Who are you in this gap between what you want
and what you are getting? Who are you in this conflict with grief? Who are you
not to let go in order to change? The power behind cure is “compassion.”
Remember we have choices to develop desires for change. Whereas grievances
keep the connection to past hurts. Who will you be when your grievance is
resolved?

D. So when we make our choice what is next?

F. Being in the present is the next step and the need to:

5) Find your positive emotions and with what resources and modalities that
exist in the “now.” This means being ready to find peace in the “now.” Open
your heart, soften your stomach and breathe with compassion from your heart.
Mehmet Oz describes the heart as an organ that “doesn’t empty blood like a
balloon letting out air. That’s a very bland view of how the heart functions. It’s
much more elegant than that. It twists the blood out the way you would wring
water from a towel. You watch this muscle twisting and turning. It looked like a
cobra being tamed by a physician who was managing it. When I saw this organ, I
realized why it plays such an important role in our poetry, why it dominates our
religion, why we associate the soul and love with a muscle.”With this in mind,
what results would positive emotions have on your mind/body? As you soften your
stomach and breath softly think of something that makes you feel grateful.

D. That does make me feel better, any other exercises to help keep this feeling?
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F. Here is a Relaxation Exercise: Sit in a relaxing manner…close your

eyes..Imagine your head being pulled upward by a silk thread..Allow your spine to
be erect and soft..Place your attention on your forehead..Imagine the muscles in
your head are like a rope with individual twine..Feel the tightness of the day and to
yourself say I will my muscles in my forehead to relax..Imagine the muscles
loosening up and feel the result..Progressively move downward touching all of
your major muscle areas..go to your face, feel the tension in your face and to
yourself say I will the muscles in my face to relax..go to your shoulders and feel
the tension leave your upper extremities through your biceps, forearms and out
through your fingertips..Allow your back muscles to loosen and relax..Go to your
lower extremities and will the muscles in your legs to relax..Make a difference that
makes a difference..Now concentrate on your breathing..Feel the uniqueness of
each individual breathe…soften your stomach and as you breathe in feel a sense of
gratitude toward something you have compassion about…as you exhale feel the
compassion..Imagine a color that represents all the positive compassion you
have..as you breathe in feel the color replenish your circulatory system..as you
breathe out imagine all the tension and pain you may have leave your body..after
three breaths feel the positive color become an aura that surrounds and drapes
you..Feel it caress and protect you..And with your mind’s eye imagine the tension
leave your body and dissipate in the horizon..now focus on your center, a place
about an inch below your navel, your ki or chi feel the difference that you made in
your mind and body, anchor it in your center, allow it to settle in your ki and
remember that it will be there for you in the future if you would like to access it
when you need it…

D. That is a nice feeling to know it can be there for use when we need it! What is
the next step?

F. Being sure that we can deal with the barriers to move forward to complete this
recipe. This step entals looking at:

6) Why are expectations and any sense of entitlement blocking you from
attaining a peaceful state? Are there any unenforceable rules that you are
demanding be changed? We cannot control our expectations and demands. Should
ofs, and buts are unenforceable. You need to dispute the unenforceable rules your
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grievance. We need not be the wound, as Richard Bach wrote “you don’t have to
argue for your limitations, they are already yours.” You cannot demand change
which is outside your scope of power to change. The challenge is to change
demands to desires and wishes. Go back to your original choice and intent.
Recognize you are upset and realize it is from your inability to enforce an
unenforceable rule. Assert your willingness to challenge the grievance by
uncovering the unenforceable rule and return to your original wish and intent.

D. But how can someone do this?

F. Here are some suggestions:

1. Recognize that you are upset and it is in the present

2. Realize that your upset is also due to your inability to enforce an unenforceable
rule

3. Assert your willingness to challenge it

4. Uncover the unenforceable rule (demand)

5. Return to the desire not the demand

6. Think more clearly and start wishing

D. Ok, looks like the recipe is moving along.

F. Yes and the next step is reinforcing the previous steps by

7) Looking for your positive intent and focusing on the art of possibility. All
psychosomatic phenomena or hurt has intent and meaning. Our evolving self gives
us symbols and dreams from our sub conscious which can be inspirational or
sources of pain. Our self drives for order and meaning. Being out of sync with our
world and nature creates imbalance. The awareness of our connections is the “I and

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thou” and “ah” experience that is the basis for wholeness. The result is the
opportunity to tell a nicer story and use your resilience.

D. Any exercises for this?

F. Yes ask yourself:

What is the strongest positive and loving language I can describe my goal for being
in this hurtful situation in the first place?

What is the strongest positive and loving language I can use to describe my goal
for healing from this hurtful situation?

Retell your story from the perspective of positive intention.

Think about a situation that hurt you and identify the unenforceable rules from this
experience:

How does it make you feel?

Reframe it to reflect a wish or hope you had for this situation

Does this change the way you feel about this situation? If so how?

(Tell a nicer story)

D. Sounds like we are nearly ready to start baking.

F. Yes but we need to have a step to strengthen what we are putting together and
that is to:

8) Live a life well lived because the irony is we become what we do not forgive.
You do not have to reconcile or seek revenge. This would be like drinking poison
while waiting to kill your enemy. The key is to have peace. Sherwin Nuland uses
the word salubrious which “in the classical sense of healthy, physically healthy,
emotional healthy, the thing that is going to make survival most likely and provide
it with the most pleasure. And the moral sense provides people with more pleasure
than anything. That’s been my experience that a sense of oneself as a good person
whose life isn’t sacrificed for others but is based around community and love gives

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one a sense of self that is the greatest pleasure that anybody can have. We say
virtue is its own reward. It’s a little homily, but there’s a lot behind that homily.
Every cliché has a reason.”

D. That is a very so very true!

F. Yes and it leads into the final step which is to:

9 Amend your grievance by thinking of your noble intent. Change comes about
when you recognize the anomaly (or wrong) and support a new “paradigm” (or
framework). Write down your amended grievance that represents your attaining
and sustaining peace.

D. Hmmm, time to enjoy the outcome….

Case examples:

Joe is sixty years old of Italian ancestry. He contacted me for psychotherapy

sessions. His presenting problem was that he "is always anxious." His Genogram
indicated that he was the youngest of three children, with three older sisters. His
father was an even-tempered retired policeman who died twenty years ago from
lung cancer. His communication style was one of worry and over protection His
mother was a homemaker who recently passed away from a stroke. She had a
history of depression and was extremely anxious and fearful for Joe's well being.

Joe has been married for thirty years and has three grown children, all in relative
good health and six grand children. His wife is a "saint," puts up with his worries,
anxieties and temper tantrums. His disposition is one of calmness with an
underlying nervousness. Joe said that he has worked on his temper and has been
very remorseful of his outbursts that occurred when things were not "just right."
He owns a local grocery store of which he purchased fifteen years ago after
working for a local Acme for twenty years. He fears that he will be a failure in his
business despite having a wonderful reputation and following. He has a high
school education and is well read and pro-active in dealing with his problems.

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He narrated how all his life he woke up with fear that something was going to
happen to him or his family. His legacy depicted a shy small built child who
constantly dreaded not succeeding. He was pressured by nuns in his schooling and
embarrassed for his bashfulness. He was always worse in the morning, dreading
the day, but got better once things moved along. He described himself as always
trying to not let family and friends down. His parents constantly worried and
warned him to be careful. His life evolved into fears of leaving home and then
being extremely obsessive. "I am such a perfectionist," always making sure that all
the food in his store is presented properly.

He said that he cannot confront people who work for him and is passive in regards
to letting anyone go from their job, yet he gets an attitude with his employees and
family when upset. "I always feel like the rug will be pulled from beneath me." He
also demonstrated anticipatory anxiety and "what if.." patterns with his kids and his
work. Joe described his thought process as "thinking myself into anxiety." "I am a
pessimist and fearful of the future yet I work well and am very proud of my
accomplishments." He reported to be bright as a child, which only made thing
worse since he was singled out by the nuns. He is a very moralistic person with
high ethics, yet very empathic to others' views. He feels he has trouble expressing
himself and has low self-esteem. Anything hot aggravates him, he likes being
cool.

Joe also perspires profusely when anxious and complains of much indigestion. He
currently feels it is time to enjoy life and he is upset that he is difficult to live with,
although his wife is patient and his best friend. They are very committed, have
much equity in their sense of power (she is a librarian and very giving and
independent), and are intimate in their communication and relationship in general.
Joe describes himself as a "worry wart," yet very sensitive with good judgment.

When I asked him what he was not getting in life that brought him pain, he
mentioned his fear of failing and how he had no confidence and would always put
him down. Joe had to stop and realize that this feeling was permeating his whole
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existence. He could not alter this feeling, no matter how hard he tried since he
constantly dwelled on it and it took on a life of its own.

He made a commitment to change, now that he realized the futility of his efforts,
and to not take his anger out on other people as well as himself. His life narrative
helped him recognize the origins of his grievances mostly as a child when he was
vulnerable and impressionable. We worked on his setting a goal as to where he
wanted to go with this realization and for him it was to have peace.

He started to see who he can be without the grievance. Understanding that the
world says “no” was a tipping point for him in that he did not have to personalize
his pain which originated in the past and did not have to be in the present. His
positive intent growing up and even now as an adult was to have confidence and
succeed in life. This led him to recognize the unenforceable rules he was trying to
deal with. He could not change the adults who misguided him or the
embarrassment that was imposed on him as a child.

By practicing soft breathing and being grateful for his successes and
accomplishments, he helped himself gain perspective and also to connect the
physical ailments he was suffering from to his thought process and revved up
nervous system. He made a commitment to recognize the good in his life and that
he could celebrate his life well lived. Joe amended his grievance story to be one of
a heroic survivor who gained self-confidence and that his actions and behavior
were in no way an embarrassment but a success story.

Jane, a woman in her early thirties was very intuitive, extroverted, open and
impressionable. There was a sense of self importance and desire to be the center of
attraction. She however was very concerned about her sense of physical weakness
especially when things were not going her way. She was interested in coming for
therapy to talk about low energy level.

Her family of origin depicted in her Genogram (psychological family tree)

indicated many stories about the lack of structure, encouragement and affection
received from her parents. She felt like she could not succeed at her job
(retail/sales) and narrated trouble organizing herself. However her evaluations and
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performance was acceptable to her employers. She articulated being criticized by

her parents for her choice of employment. Her narration of her early family
dynamics stressed that she never was “good enough,” and even when she was
motivated or excited about doing something her parents and older sibling would
“bring her down.”

Jane was not able to express this or show disagreement since this was
unacceptable. Asked how she dealt with this, she explained how she would become
very introverted and held her anger inside when at home but would constantly
discuss her sense of dissatisfaction (not anger) with her life with anyone who
would listen. When asked what it was that she was not getting in life, she
expressed it as wanting “her integrity,” that her parents destroyed. She thought of
this daily and blamed her parents for her dissatisfaction with work and life. She
would become exhausted whenever she focused on this feeling or was involved
with her parents. When she was sad and tired she would become yielding and
feared losing her integrity and “self control.”

What emerged from her family narratives and her grievance story was someone
who had clear extroverted intuitive traits who would move to an angry introverted
state. This would be what Carl Jung described as one moving from an outgoing
passionate sanguine state to her inferior side which was an inward angry choleric
state. Her outgoing “persona” was one of being impressionable, artistic, intuitive,
and the center of attention. The “shadow” side or inferior trait (usually where
grievances and symptoms needing attention are located) was characterized by false
pride, self pity, and dwelling on her problems. This produced an inability to finish
her objectives and feel a sense of integrity.

Jane articulated grievance that came to the surface revolved around her “loss of
position,” shame regarding her parents and sibling dynamics, loss of control, and a
distorted sense of self importance. Her initial journey toward attaining peace was
to focus on these feelings as the cause of her consequent anger. She spent so much
time and in therapy also, renting too much space in her head by retelling this tale of
woe.

Now she felt the pain as being in the past and that being in the present with these
feelings was a place to find solutions. She made a commitment to not be the
victim, set her goals and practiced breathing and meditating from her core
temperament which was to be positive and intuitive. She recognized what it was
she was trying to change and placed so much blame, which were her parents. It
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was a freeing experience for her to admit and accept that she cannot change the
past.

Knowing that she was not condoning or minimizing the past made her allow
herself to be grateful for what she had, accept the pain as part of the suffering of
life and to recognize her noble desires to be at peace with her past. Her
commitment to make her life worthwhile was now at the forefront of her thoughts,
Jane amended her grievance story to one of being successful, doing the best that
she can, gain control of her life and mind/body and understand her family history
as having a pattern that was not in her control to change.

Jim was a fireman with a local urban department. He was referred to me through
an organization that dealt with abuse by priests. He was in his mid forties and
developed a pattern of alcoholism and adultery. He and his wife a school teacher
have three teenage children, all doing relatively well in school and socially. Jim’s
poor boundary issues were producing havoc with in the family and his wife would
cover for him and take n additional responsibilities related to the children. Jim had
suppressed his feelings regarding a two year pattern of abuse by a priest when he
was thirteen to fifteen years old. During a group for adults who were abused by
priests, which he attended by chance, he started reliving that part of his life.

His grievance was the pain of losing his teenage years because of the abuse. It
formed pattern of acting out behaviors throughout his adult life. Jim had much
strength in his work ethic and with his children but he began to make poor
decisions regarding boundaries and over drinking. His desire to find peace was
strong, but he had to step back from all the quilt and self blame to initially forgive
himself. Since he had suppressed his feelings and the causation of his pain, Jim had
to confront the reality of the abuse and as an adult articulate his feelings. Once he
was able to express his anger in a healthier manner, like the snake hissing rather
than biting, he felt the power to change. He recognized the wrong and injurious
patterns he had developed. Understanding that his growth was for him and only he,
at first allowed him to articulate what he wanted to achieve for himself. His new
found motivation assisted him in using his interpersonal skills in a new manner. In
short he was able to dialogue with me and his group in a safe environment and
with just a few trusted people. His goal was to deal with his pain in a healthy
manner. He started to see the connections and how this affected his life and

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behaviors. This more ecological perspective allowed him to alleviate some of the
self blame that haunted him all is adult life.

His positive resources and intent as a teenager were to please his parents by being
obedient to teachers and his priest. Jim now was able to address his self blame by
seeing how he was vulnerable and caught in a terrible double bind that perpetuated
the abuse. He was also able through discussing his resilience that he was a survivor
and there was much greatness in his life as a first responder, father and spouse.
Through disputing the unenforceable rules of his life, mainly the self blame and the
abuse, his realization that he can’t change what he has no power to change was a
tipping point for him. He immediately started to see how his intent to please the
adults around him was a positive and noble. His practice of soft breathing and
being grateful and mindful was a joy for him in contrast of the pain and acting out
that dominated his life. His involvement in counseling and group work allowed
him to be a mentor and supporter of other having similar problems. Jim amended
his story to be one of surviving and using his experience for the benefit of his
family and others.

Excerpted from “Conflict and Forgiveness: For those who "hate confrontation" by
Ken Silvestri, Frederic Lufkin, and Jed Rosen in , Going Bonkers, October 2009

Recently a woman (Megan) came for psychotherapy. She said that what she was
not getting in life was empathy from her husband. She narrated many instances
where he dismissed or devalued her feelings. When asked if she had discussed that
with him, Megan said, "no way, he would only get mad at me." Her family
background was full of stories of authoritarian discipline. She could never dialogue
with her parents. In this instance Megan's brain was very "state dependent,"
meaning it recognized patterns of emotions rather than content and so she got stuck
in her story and her bad content. She could not let go, and deal successfully with
her experience or her husband until she learned how to forgive

Following are nine steps to help Megan deal with her real and imagined conflict:

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1. Megan was asked to express what she felt so she could allow openness to
produce a "non-denial" of

her feelings. I did this to help widen her lens to view the "wrong" that was hurting
her. Our good side is constantly overtaken by our shadow side when we lose
perspective and Megan was putting herself down. She said she felt "stifled and
fearful to express herself."

2. We then discussed what forgiveness was for her and I explained that it is a
process and commitment to make peace with what is. This was accepted by her
when we discussed the negative effects her pattern of conflict avoidance had on her
life. Her "aha" moment came when she articulated how she would get sick and
nervous after she refused to express her truth.

3. Megan needed reassurance that forgiveness is not about minimizing her hurt it
is about changing

Her grievance story. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the
person who upset you or condoning their action. It is to set a goal to let her, in this
case go to a healed place that does not blame or live in fear.

4. Next we discussed how choosing to forgive is choosing health and not being a
victim. Megan now worked on getting the right perspective on what is happening.
By sharing with her how our brain and nervous system works she began to
recognize that her primary distress was coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts,
and physical upset that she was suffering now, not what offended or hurt her two
minutes or even ten years ago. Megan's tale of woe kept on getting bigger and
bigger from practice and kept her captive. This is not to minimize hurt but to
realize that the grievance story is likely not the most skillful way to construct our
reality. I suggested that she think of the grievance, take a deep breath and create a
loving image of her positive possibilities. She also participated in some
visualization (see below), which further helped gain a wider perspective on what
was happening.

5. Visualizing loving images and feeling of gratitude supports positive emotions

that manage stress and

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Increase your confidence. Megan was instructed, at the moment she felt upset, to
practice the Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique (PERT) to soothe her body's
flight or fight response. PERT consists of relaxing the body, softening the belly as
you breathe and visualizing something you are grateful and compassionate about.
This helped her see, similar to being able to choose the TV channel that she might
wish to see, that she could also choose the life view that she wanted to live within.

6. Megan admitted that she was, if only in her head, making many demands of her
husband regarding him being empathic. She had to "confront" the reality that she
had to give up expecting things from those who will not give them to you. There
are certain unenforceable rules that strengthen the grievance story such as my
husband has to be empathic to me when I want him to. She began to accept that by
letting herself make peace with who he actually is a relationship could begin with a
real human being. John Welshons writes in his recent book “When Prayers Aren't
Answered,” that “...the acceptance of things as they are in this context does not
imply complacency…the acceptance of things as they are is intended to alleviate
suffering we habitually create in our minds with the desire to change things we
simply cannot change."

7. Megan now had to learn to put her energy in a positive direction. Embracing
positive intention does not entail writing off the one who hurt us. It may have just
not worked out or the other person had different desires or the communication was
poor. If the other is willing to join you in an honest win-win volley. Wonderful.
Acceptance of whom you are and your desires and wishes is one way to exhibit
self love and that is what was offered to Megan. Megan learned to express her
desires and wishes in a compassionate manner.

8. As Megan experienced the freedom of genuinely and kindly expressing her

wishes, she felt that she was living a life well lived. Instead of focusing on her
wounded feelings, and thereby giving her husband and parents disproportionate
power over her, she had more opportunity to look for the love, beauty, and
kindness around her. Megan saw that she need not define herself by those who had
hurt her.

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9. Megan was able to amend her grievance story by reminding herself of her
heroic choice to forgive and release herself from the stress and anxiety of fearing
confrontation. She also began the long and arduous process of creating a
relationship with her husband less focused on mind reading and regret and more on
communication and sharing.

*A double bind is a dilemma in communication in which an individual (or group)

receives two or more conflicting messages, with one message negating the other.
This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a
failed response to the other, so that the person will be automatically wrong
regardless of response. The nature of a double bind is that the person cannot
confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither comment on the conflict,
nor resolve it, nor opt out of the situation.

A double bind generally includes different levels of abstraction in orders of

messages, and these messages can be stated or implicit within the context of the
situation, or conveyed by tone of voice or body language. Further complications
arise when frequent double binds are part of an ongoing relationship to which the
person or group is committed. Double bind theory is more clearly understood in
the context of complex systems and cybernetics because human communication
and also the mind itself function in an interactive manner similar to ecosystems.]
Complex systems theory helps us understand the interdependence of the parts of a
message and provides "an ordering of what to the Newtonian looks like chaos."

**A paradox is a true statement or group of statements that leads to a

contradiction or a situation which defies intuition. The term is also used for an
apparent contradiction that actually expresses a non-dual truth (cf. kōan,
Catuskoti). Typically, the statements in question do not really imply the
contradiction, the puzzling result is not really a contradiction, or the premises
themselves are not all really true or cannot all be true together. The word paradox
is often used interchangeably with contradiction. It is also used to describe
situations that are ironic.

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