THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART PRESENTS ; MERIC = Boor) A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction i aN \ With a Foreword by Thomas JeffersonBook No, Enter information in speces, BUPILS to whom this textbook is issued mus! not write on any pose ‘or mark ony part of it in any way? consumable textbooks excepted, ‘.Teochors should s00 thar the pupil's name is cloarly writtsn in ink in the specas ‘above in every book issued, 2. The following terms should be used in recording the conditien of the book: New? Good; Fair; Poor: Bod. 3. We are fully ewere that Dick Herts, LP. Freely and Heywood Jeblome are not ‘eal people, se please exclude thent.Table of Contents Study Guide: Foreword: Chapter 1: Chapter 2: Chapter 3: Chapter 4: Chapter 5: Chapter 6: Chapter 7: Chapter 8: Chapter 9: Afterword: Acknowledgments: Credits: . Democracy Before America .. . The Founding of America . by Thomas Jefferson .. . The President: King of Democracy . . Congress: Quagmire of Freedom ‘The Judicial Branch: It Rules ... . Campaigns and Elections: America Changes the Sheets The Media: Demoeracy’s Valiant Vulgarians The Future of Democracy: Four Score and Seven Years from Now 167 . The Rest of the World: International House of Horrors . Contents | vitAMERICA (THE BOOK) Study Guide Chapter 1 Democracy Before America In this chapter you wi + Realize that no matter how horri bes + Winess thousands of years of history ble your life, i's not as bad a: — casually dismissed in a few pages 2 feudal ser's ———— * Lear the difference between atotatarien + Make your own flag (spangles not regime anda post-Communist kleplocrecy included) SS | + Read 2 cuneiform public opinion poll + Have @ hard time keaping the book open | ‘on a table while you read it Chapter 2 The Founding of America In this chapter you will + Not fire until you see the whites of their = * See graphic, full-color photos of eyes =. ‘America’s birth * Become increasingly skeptical of the authors’ scholarship * Get sick of always hearing about how great Ben Franklin was * Circle every fifth letter until you find the clue that leads you to the treasure! + Lear abou the Founding BR mathers and tnd out when BF | ones wore FMILFS Chapter 3 The President: King of Democracy In this chapter you wil: * Be surprised to read who our gayest pres * Learn that not everyone can be President ident was ‘and why people should really stop “Take a virtual ride in spreading that rumor Stagecoach One * Discover that most of what you've seen on + Lose your virginity The West Wing is total fucking bullshit (maybe, if you play * Find out where you fall in the line of suc- your cards right) Congress: Quagmire of Freedom In this chapter you wil! * Embark on an exotic journey * Gain new appreciation for rotundas of the senses as you are * Compare and contrast the soulless gray- exposed asa leltist and, faced bureaucrats of the Senate with homosexual by this man the soulless aray-faced bureaucrats of + Meat and immediately dislike lobbyists the House * Gerrymander * Learn how to hide your purchase of this book ina much larger book appropriations billChapter 5 In this chapter you will: + Desearegate a school * Take this book all the way to the ‘Supreme Court + Leam how to operate a gavel responsibly and safely ~ even a stretch gavel | Campaigns and Elections In this chapter you will: * Marvel at colonial-era button-making technology * Go negative ~. | *Leam why your vote counts, but not nearly as much as your money pea ee (aera nace eee 2 Hees die secotar marion 3 7 facial expression tips by Stephen Colbert The Future of Democracy In this chapter you will: * Experience democracy in pill form * Learn how America’s growing othr sity will enhance your take-out options * Take a look at the Washington of the future, and the crumbums of the future who occupy it ‘The Rest of the World In this chapter you will: * Meet the rest of the worl + See most common stereo types reinforced * Learn nothing whatsoever about St kitts * Do an exciting Middle East Jumble 22 pages ‘The Media: Democracy’s Valiant Vulgarians Four Score and Seven Years from Now International House of Horrors + See all nine Supreme Court justices naked (see pp. 98-99) + Discover how to know pornography when you see it (see pp. 98-99) «Notice that twelve pages are missing from the middle of the chapter. Our bad. + Take a ride on a state-of- the-art campaign bus Continue to be bored by | the issue of campaign finance reform + Leatn the hottest new debate techniques from Dirty Dancing choreographer Kenny Ortega = Create your own *no-spin zone” = Discover which media conglomerate now owns you = Not have your opinion of Geraldo Rivera particularly improved upon * Angrily say aloud, “Future of democracy? How ’bout some democracy right friggin’ now? (Michael Moore only) * Blow it up! Damn you. God damn you all to Hell! * Be 30 close to finishing the book you can taste it * Discover that denial ain't just a psychological coping mechanism * Find out in which countries you definitely don't want to get arrested saa KtEForeword When America (The Book) frscapproached me about penning the foreword 10 their tome, I was surprised. Firstly the foreword is nor my bailiwick, bur rather the Declaration. Forgive my conceit, buc if one is looking to introduce a grand composition with a pithy and clear pronouncement, my deciaratives are second to none. “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...” Google it if ye doubt the claim! Also of some concern, Thave been dead for...oh lord, has it really been 178 years? My goodness, time certainly flies when you are no longer consigned to your earthly vessel Notwithstanding, Irv over at Warner Books sent me some galleys, and I have to say...funny. Nor John Winthrop’s A Comparative Treatise on the Most Unusual of Distinaions “Tit the Fairer of Species and Her Masculine Counterpart funny...but funny. Of course, Sally was less enthused. “You are the author of the Declaration of Independence. A scholar. A statesman. ‘This is ching to get not as steady as it used beneath you, Ie not even network.” But truth be told, Twas back to the quill and paper, and declaration work is to be. Sally may not like it, but as we used to say in the back parlours of 18th-century Paris, “tough titties.” I way also looking forward to this opportunity to dispel some of the mythol= ogy surrounding myself snd my fellow Founders—particularly the myth of our infallibility. You moderns have a tendency co worship at the altar of the Fathers. “The First Amendment is sacros: We will die to protect the Second Amendment!” So dramatic. Do you know why we called them et! amendments? Because they amend! They fix mistakes or correct omissions and they themselves can be changed. If we had meant for the Constitution to be written in stone we would have written it in stone. Most things were written in stone back then, you know. I'm not trying to be difficult but it’s bothersome when you blame your own inflexibility and extremism on us. We wrote the Constitution in the time it is the Nor that we weren't awesor takes you nimrods to figure out which is the aye button and whic nay. But we weren't gods. We were men. We had flaws. Adams was an. x | Foreword‘unbearable prick and squealed girlishly whenever he saw a bug. And Ben Franklin? If crack existed in our day, that boozed-up snuff machine would ‘weigh 80 pounds and live outside the Port Authority. And I had slaves. Damn, [can't believe I had slaves! Yes, we were very accomplished. We discovered clectriciy, invented stoves, bifocals, the lazy susan, efficient printing presses, and the swivel chait, But in the 18th century itwas nearly impossible not ro invent some- thing, “What if we put this refuse in a receptacle?” “Oh my God you just invented a sanitation system!” We lived in primitive times. Hell, I shit a bucket and I was the president. Buc I digress. My point is composing the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution was hard work. God didn't dictate it for us to transcribe pose was to create a living document based on principles that transcended the times we lived in, and I think we did that, We created a blueprint for a system that would endure, which means your lazy asses shouldn't be coast- ing on our accomplishments. We we expect our descenilents to workas hard as we did on keeping what we think isa profoundly excellent form of government supple, evolving and relevant. After reading this book, you should be better prepared to do just that. imperfect. Ik was imperfect. And we As Always, TERY PS. Oh, and is it ue Halle Berry is once again single? If so, Td be forev- ‘erin your debe if you would put in a good word for T:J. Oh how I loves the ‘mochachina. Foreword | xi