INDIAN SANSKRITI.

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Once there was a little boy and girl taking a bath together. The girl looked between the boys legs and said, "What's that? Can I touch it?" The little boy said, "Of course not, you already tore off yours." ____________________ Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape -- except for one slight problem -- she was pregnant! Hillary told the doctor there was no way, but the doctor insisted that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, Hillary stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist desk, grabbed took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!! President Clinton remained completely silent. At the top of her lungs, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU GOOD-FORNOTHING SEX FIEND? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" Finally, Bill Clinton quietly asked: "Who is this?" ____________________ An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "Exactly." ____________________ When I take a long time I am too slow, When my boss takes a long time , He is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy, When my boss doesn't do it, He is too busy. When I please my boss, I am polishing, When my boss pleases his boss, He is co-operating. When I do something without being told. I am trying to be smart, When my boss does the same, He is taking initiative. When I do a good thing, My boss never remembers, When I do something wrong,my boss never forgets. ____________________ In order to assure the highest level of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in

DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. JOBS and can apply for promotions to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T) ____________________ Costello: Hey, Abbot! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means! Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot: Well, I don't knowCostello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and thenCostello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot: I know, you press the Start buttonCostello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot: I did. Costello: When? Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button? Abbot: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop. Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press? Abbot: Start. Costello: Start what? Abbot: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what? Abbot: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude! Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean. Abbot: To shut down the computer, pressCostello: Don't say, "Start!" Abbot: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot: But that's what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye. ____________________ A 75-year old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. "Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still, nothing. "Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open! ____________________ A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech: Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son. We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy jobs come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!" ____________________ Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him...!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!" ____________________ A plumber, an electrician, and an accountant walked into a strip club. The electrician called over a blond, licked a ten-dollar bill and slapped it on her butt. The plumber licked a fifty-dollar bill and slapped it on her behind. The accountant took out his ATM card, swiped it in the crack of her butt and grabbed the sixty bucks. ____________________ You never get a second chance to make a first impression ____________________ Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Ted said. "All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said. "Well what's yours like?" Ted said. "Well straight like normal," Ed said. "I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours," Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal." "Shit," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing ____________________ Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back." ____________________ A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man whose head was between her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?" The stranger stammered, "I'm listening to music!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen." He also put his head in between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously, "I can't hear any damn music." "Of course you cant," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!" ____________________ Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are Two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 Miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here" ____________________ A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck." ____________________ Taking Viagra is like an attraction at Disneyland. You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride. ____________________ Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!" ____________________ An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck." ____________________ A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?""Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of th-them about thi-is b-big arround-d?""Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-aator?""Yes, Ma`am, one of them does." "W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?" ____________________ One Hindu, one Muslim and one sardarji died and went straight to heaven. On reaching there the guy at the gate said to them: YOU THREE HAVE REALLY BEEN GOOD ON EARTH SO ASK FOR ANY THING THAT YOU CARE FOR MOST AND I SHALL GRANT YOU THE PLEASURE FOR A YEAR. So the Hindu said: All my life I've wanted to eat good food but have got to do the same. In return the big guy at the gates said oh arright that's easy just go into that room there and there is loads of food waiting for you and saying that he shut the huge door to the food room. The Muslim said, in our religion liquor is haram and i wish to drink to my hearts content. So the guy put him into a huge room shutting the big door. The sardarji in turn said all my life Ive wanted to smoke but first my mother then my wife never let me do so OK so the wish was granted to him for a long year. After a year he went to check on them first opening the door of the Hindu only to find him stuffed to death and obese. gladly he said Im thrilled that you've done justice to this gift. Next he opened the door and finding the Muslim pissed to death was even happier Now opening the door to the sardarji he was shocked coz all he heard was badwords fired at him in every possible language. On asking for clarifications the sardarji yelled

YOU BASTARD OF THE FIRST ORDER YOU GAVE ME A ROOM FULL OF CIGRATES AND WHO THE HELL YOU THOUGHT WOULD GIVE ME A MATCHBOX... ____________________ Q. What is the difference between a locomotive engineer & a teacher? A. One minds the train, the other trains the mind. Q. What did one telephone say to the other? A. We are engaged . Q. Why did they have to put a fence around the graveyard? A. Because people were dying to get in. Q. What should you do if a dog starts eating a dictionary? A. Take the words right out of its mouth Q. What did one eye say to the other? A. There's something between us that smells. Q. What could you call a highly educated and skilled plumber? A brain surgeon Q. Why were the screams coming from the kitchen? A. The cook was beating the eggs. Q. What is too much for one, just right for two, but nothing for three? A.. A secret. Q. What happened when the man sat on the pin? A. Nothing, It was a safety pin. Q. What can a whole orange do that half an orange can't? A. Look around. Q. How can you spell a mousetrap in three letters? A. CAT Q. What is an adult? A. Someone who has stopped growing, except around the waist. Q. Why do we sing hymns in church and not hers? A. Because they all end in amen and not women. Q. Why was the tooth all dressed up? A. Because the dentist was taking it out that night. Q. Why did the teacher wear dark glasses? A. Because the class was so bright. Q. What did the oil painting say to the wall? A. First they framed me, and then they hung me. Q. Where does Thursday come before Wednesday? A. In the dictionary. Q. Who were the first people to invent a plane that couldn't fly? A. The wrong brothers. Q. What cruel person would sit on a baby? A. A baby sitter.

Q. Why are Egyptian children good children? A. Because they respect their mummies %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Q. What is the difference between a girl and a postage stamp? A. One is a fe male and the other is a mail fee. Q. What is always coming but never arrives? A. Tomorrow. Q. How can you drop a pizza 10 feet without breaking it? A. Drop it 11 feet and it won't break for the first 10. Q. What did the mother bee say to the baby bee? A. Just beehive yourself honey, while I comb your hair. Q. Why is a policeman's job very tricky? A. Because there are a lot of catches in his work. Q. What did the light bulb say to the switch? A. You really turn me on. Q. What dress does eveyone have but none wears? A. Address Q. What nail doesn't a carpenter like to hit? A. His finger nail. Q. What happens if you eat yeast and polish? A. You rise and shine. Q. Who helps bring up thousands of people? A. The elevator operator. Q. What is a volcano? A. A hill with hiccups Q. What do historians talk about when they meet? A. Old times. ofcourse. Q. What is a snake's favourite subject? A. Hiss-tory. Q. What day of the year is a command to go forward? A. March 4th. Q. Do you ever have trouble making up your mind? A. Well, yes and no. Q. Which is the laziest mountain in the world? A. Everest. Q. What is the easiest robbery to commit? A. A safe robbery. Q. What is the computer's favourite food? A. Chips.

____________________ John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later John received a letter from his mother which said: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." Love, Mom. ____________________ A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." ____________________ Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" ____________________ There was a high middle class family consisting a father, mother and a son. Whenever the 9 year old son asked his father to take him out on the Weekends the father would say that he is going duck shooting and he is too young to go along. When he became a teenager he asked his father to take him along for duck shooting, the father said he is still too young. One day he secretly followed his father and caught him red handed with a prostitute. "Oh! This is what you call duck shooting, now either you let me shoot the duck with you or I am telling Mom about this."

This became a weekly event for father and son. When the son monthly allowance list which would read like this Books $ 50.00 Meals $300.00 Lodging $300.00 Gas $200.00 Duck shooting $400.00 One day his father sent him a note with his allowance. Son if you want to shoot ducks please choose cheaper ones. So he took his advice. From the following months onward his duck shooting went down to $50 per month and the father was very happy. After 6 months his monthly allowance looked like this Books $ 50.00 Meals $300.00 Lodging $300.00 Gas $200.00 Duck shooting $ 50.00 GUN REPAIRING...$900.00! Hard-On vs. Fart A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot tall blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on. Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when you get a hard-on, it implies you called for me." The blond lays down and lets the man make love to her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him. Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man turns him around and sodomize him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist. New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500." Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...." New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No, thanks." Boy and Girl A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are plying together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, " I have one of these and you don't." But the little girl just keeps playing. " how come," says the boy, "you are not crying today?" "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, " with one of these, I can get as many of yours as I want." Male chauvinism ( In the extreme ) Q - Why do men fart more than women? A - Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q - Why did cave men drag their women around by their hair?

A - Because if you drag them by their feet, they fill with dirt. Q - What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A - A woman that won't do what she's told. Q - What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A - Marriage. Q - Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? A - Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. Q - Why is a woman like a dog Shit? A - Because the older it is, the easier it is to pick up. Q - How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A - None. They just sit there in the dark and bitch. Q - What's love? A - The delusion that one woman is different from another. Q - Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? A - Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking your house and half your money. Q - Why can't you trust women? A - How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and not die? Q - What's the best thing about a blow job? A - Ten minutes of silence. Q - Why do women have arms? A - Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean? Blonde woman and boys A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." NO FIGHTING

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Little Johnny came home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father saw it and asked "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! "Johnny", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. His father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!" HEAVEN Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher asked her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praised the little girl as a little boy raised his hand. He said, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'" PASS OR FAIL Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed. The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do. Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?" Little Johnny replied, "Legs." The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?" Little Johnny replied, "Pockets." The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?" Little Johnny replied. "Rome." The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?" The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong" HARASSMENT Teacher : Use "harassment" in a sentence. Little Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'. LONE RANGER A teacher cautiously approached the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realized Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Little Johnny remained attentive

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throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raised his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher called on him. "I was watching' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "That will teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger." WHAT GETS BIGGER AND BIGGER Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me.I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. "One, you have not studied your lesson.Two, you have a dirty mind. "And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." LONG WEEKEND One Friday afternoon Little Johnny is in class and the teacher says: "OK class, if you can answer one of these questions, you can go home early and have a day off on Monday." Q1. Who discovered Australia and in what year? Little Jenny Chan puts her hand up and says "Captain Cook in 1788, Miss" Teacher: Very good Jenny, you can go home and come back on Tuesday. Jenny: No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I have to study very hard so I can't afford to take a day off school. Teacher: That's very conscientious of you Jenny, well done. OK next question who discovered America and when? Jimmy Wang: Christopher Columbus 1492 Teacher: Well done, Jimmy, you can go home now and have Monday off. Jimmy: No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I need to study really hard. I can't afford to take a day off school. Teacher: Very good, Jimmy. That's really committed of you. Someone at the rear yells out: "Fucking Asian Bastards" Teacher: Who said that? Little Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996, see you on Tuesday Miss!"

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"Imagination is more important than knowledge"

The final Questions Three guys are waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that since heaven is getting crowded they'll need to have pretty unique stories of how they died if they want to be admitted. The first guy says "Picture this. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me so one day I snuck home early and caught her in bed naked and sweaty. I knew that the guy she's with is hiding somewhere in our apartment. I looked everywhere and just as I was about to give up looking and apologize to the misses, I see fingers holding on to our 10th floor balcony. I run out to the balcony and jump on that son of a-bitches fingers until he falls. I watch him fall to what I think will be his death, but he lands in some bushes and is alive. I was so enraged that I grabbed the refrigerator and pushed it from the balcony, crushing the bastard. After I had a few minutes to think about what I'd done I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in prison, so I shot myself." St. Peter grins and shakes his head and looks at the second guy and says, "Well, you've got to have a pretty good story to match this one, so go ahead. "Well", says the second guy, "picture this. I lived on the 15th floor of an apartment building where I pretty much kept to myself and tended to my plants. One day I was out on my balcony when I slipped on some water and fell over the railing. I think that I'm a goner for sure, but I managed to grab hold of another balcony on the way down. Just as I'm thanking my good fortune and starting to pull myself up, some lunatic runs out and for no reason starts jumping on my fingers. I hold on for as long as I can, but eventually I have to let go. As I'm falling I see my life pass before my eyes and know that this is the end. The next thing I know, I'm looking up from some bushes. I'm alive, but before I can fully appreciate my good luck a big refrigerator comes out of nowhere and crushes me". "This is unbelievable!", says St. Peter, "Never in all of my days have I heard such fantastic stories. Number three, I don't know what you've got to tell me that can come even close to these last two stories, but go ahead". "Well," says number three, "Picture this. I'm in a refrigerator naked..." As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, " If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, " Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this" A woman and the bus A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time. All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus. She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!" The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough either for you to unzip my fly three times" MERCY HOUSE A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

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SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. " He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

GROCERY STORE A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replied, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.? The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March...... A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.

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The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, " Do you know what I'm doing? " Yes, she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities" That is correct, says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts Do you know what I'm doing now? he asks. Yes, says the woman, you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. That's right, replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, " Do you know what I'm doing now?" Yes, she says. " You're getting herpes" FOR THE FIRST TIME The sky was dark the moon was high all alone just her and I Her hair was so soft her eyes so blue of course I knew just what to do Her skin so soft her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine I didn't know how but I tried my best I started placing my hand on her breast I remember my fear my fast beating heart but slowly she spread her legs apart and when I did it I felt no shame and all at once the white stuff came... at last its finished it's all over now my first time ever... at milking a cow !!!! AN EXPENSIVE GIRL The Madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked "needy". "Can I help you?" the Madam asked " I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies; perhaps someone else..." "No, I want Natalie." Just then, Natalie appeared, and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked, reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night, he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts; it was still $1,000 for one hour.Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and he calmly left an hour later.When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour. Natalie questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row, here are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." Really," replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there." "I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you." THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, The husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too? _________________________________________________________________ DONT WORRY A little boy in the kindergarten asked the class teacher "Is the girl in high school will get pregnant if she make love with her boy friend.? The teacher responded, " Yes of course, why you asked? " The boy asked, "What about the girl in middle school?" The teacher responded again, " Yes of course, why you asked? " The boy asked again "What about the girl in elementary school?" The teacher responded again, " Yes but not all. why you asked?" The boy asked the last question, "What about the girl in kindergarten?" The teacher responded, " NO, but I want to know why you asked me all these questions ?" The boy turn around to his classmate little girl, and told her see I told dont worry. The six most important men in a woman's life 1. The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off" 2. The Dentist because he says; "Open wide" 3. The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back" 4. The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it is in, you will love it" 6. The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you will lose interest" OVERSEAS FLIGHT A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." BAD THINKING Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems (and perhaps daydreaming a bit) when his teacher chose him to answer a question: "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None!" replied Johnny "Cause the rest would fly away"

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"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher "but I like the way you are thinking." After pausing for a second, little Johnny said "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, one biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." Careful what you wish for A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "NO........NO..........and for the last time..........NO." _________________________________________________________________________ Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hints for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are don't even look up when enter the room, assign them to Security. And if they've left early, put them in Sales. THE BOSS When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss. The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss."

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The feet said, "Since I carry the body around to where it wants to go, and get into position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss." The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you young, I should be boss." And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes. And finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts just laughed at the idea of an ass hole being boss. The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish; the eyes crossed and ached; the feet were too weak to walk; the hands hung limp at the sides; the heart and lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work, and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit. THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole. This could apply to Aramco Hazardous Materials Data Sheet: Women Analysis: Element: Symbol: Discover: Atomic Mass: Occurrence: Women WO2 Adam Accepted as 55 kg but known to vary from 45 to 225 kg Copious quantities in all urban areas with trace elements found in most others.

Physical Properties: 1. Surface is usually covered in powder or painted film 2. Boils at nothing, freezes for no reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points. Chemical Properties: 1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without warning for no reason. 4. Soften and take on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water. 5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol. 6. Most powerful money - reducing agent know to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Ideal for re-production. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in its natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. EMOTIONS It's better to print this if you want to really laugh!

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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where : means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass icons"? Here goes: (_!_) (__!__) (!) (_._) (_^_) (_*_) (_!__) {_!_} (_o_) (_O_) (_x_) (_X_) (_zzz_) (_o^o_) (_13_) (_--_) (_lard_) (_hole_) a regular ass a fat ass a tight ass a flat ass a bubble ass a sore ass a lop-sided ass a swishy ass an ass that's been around and ass that's REALLY been around kiss my ass leave my ass alone a tired ass a wise ass an unlucky ass I want a new one for Christmas, my old one has a crack in it! A lard ass Last but not least...

(_hard_) A hard ass

THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes" 2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it." 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em" 8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. The Wages of Sin

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A man returned home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the curb with her suitcase beside her. "What are you doing?", he asked. "I'm leaving you," she replied. "Why?!", the man inquired. "I just realized that I can make $400 a night doing what I do with you for free," she answered. The man went into the house and returned a few minutes later with a suitcase and sat down on the curb beside her. "What are you doing?", she asked. "I'm going with you," he replied. "I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year." AMAZING HAIR SPRAY A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so badly, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," He cried, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man, "Don't worry, I know what to do." She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the deceased rabbit and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal. Miraculously, the rabbit came to like, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another fifty yards; turned, waved and hopped another fifty yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substances could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in that can?! What did you spray on that rabbit?!" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Amazing Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave." The Painter Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman. Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told

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Stosh,"Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch? "Sure, that sounds great !" said Stosh. "Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" said the man. "Is fifty bucks all right ?" Stosh asked. "Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well he must, he was standing right on it !" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door. "I'm all finished, "he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh. "Oh, by the way," said Stosh as he pocketed the money, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!" CLINTON President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" demanded the President. "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President. There's an unconfirmed rumor that Lorraina Bobbit was seen leaving the White House today after having lunch with Hillary. With the Clinton sex scandal topping the news, the Washington Post conducted a survey, asking 1000 women if they would sleep with the president. An astonishing 73% replied: "Not anymore!" SUPERBOWL A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "no." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat For the game, he says to the man, "this is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1966." "Well, that's terribly sad," said the other man. "But still, couldn't you find a relative or a close friend to take the seat?" "No," replied the man, "they're all at the funeral." It can give life... A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." the nun answered. "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." said the nun. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do

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something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I could see them?" "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father? Then why don't you stick it in the camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here."

SURDS AND PAKIS Pakistani-Lottery Ticket A Pakistani buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. Our Pakistani says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." Pakistani said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. Pakistani, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!" Pakistani - super facts Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention? -- It's a solar powered flashlight. Did you hear about the new automatic Pakistani parachutes? -- They open on impact. Did you hear the news about a 747, which crashed in a cemetery in Karachi? -- The Pakistani officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies. How do you sink a Pakistani battleship? -- Put it in water. Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? -- Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave. Did you hear about the tragedy in Karachi? -- There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs. Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre? -- They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter" Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash? -- The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan. What happened to the Karachi National Library? --Someone stole the book. You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Pakistani is present? -- He's the one with a duck. How do you know if there's another Pakistani present? --He bets on the duck.

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How do you know if there are ISI terrorists at the cockfight? -- The duck wins. Why did the Pakistani couple decide to have only 4 children? -- They read in the newspaper that 1 out of 5 babies born in the world today are Chinese. And now the cream : A Pakistani was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 50 paise?" asked one of the muggers. --"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pakistani." I thought you were after the 400 Rupees in my shoe!" Santa and Banta Singh Santa's girlfriend asked her lover-"Santa Darling, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?" Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?" Santa's wife went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk. She opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me." Once Santa Singh, the psychiatrist, met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you are dead." "But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said Santa Singh. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you." Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be, "said Banta with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long." "I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor," said Santa to Banta "Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?" replied Banta. Santa said: "Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over." Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken Driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gavel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." Santa immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda." Court scene: [Santa and Banta Singh are lawyers] Santa: You're a fool Banta: And you're a damn fool. Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case. The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager Santa Singh kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Santa Singh, Is this what I pay you for?" Santa Singh coolly replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge." His wife phoned Banta Singh in the office and said: "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner." "Good" replied Banta Singh, "make sure she's prepared well". A question had appeared in an examination, which read, "Give four advantages of breast milk?"

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Banta Singh began to answer the question. 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal them. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing, 4. Available in attractive containers A Pakistani decided to apply for a Canadian Visa, so got all the necessary application and went up to the Embassy. The concerned person checked his application and asked, "What have you written on the Sex column" He stated "twice a week" The officer grinned and replied "you have to write Male or Female." On which he replied...Sometimes male, sometime Female... Mr. Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pants socks and watch follow suit. The exam supervisor, alarmed, approaches him and asks, "what is going on. "Sir, I am only following the instructions," he says, "It says here, 'answer the following questions in brief'." Mr. Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Mr. Singh thought for a long time before coming up with the answer... PREFERABLY FEMALES

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Mr. Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected". He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: YES Kuldip Singh and Ranjit Singh were sitting on a tree and Kuldip Singh was singing a song. After 4 songs, Kudip Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again. Ranjit Singh asked: "Kudip Singh, What is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?" Kudip Singh:" I am singing the side B."

An American lady is window shopping in Delhi. Suddenly she realizes she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees a small shop on the roadside, goes to the shop and asks in very American accent to the sardar owner. What's the time? The sardar is a very patriotic man and hates foreigners and their English accent while speaking replies back in the same accent... Bra-panties! Confused the lady asks again. No! No! What's the time? The sardar again answers back. Bra-panties! Seeing the confusion going between the two, another sardar comes to the rescue of the lady and says.... O Papaji Tusi Samajh Nahin Paaye! Kudi Twade kol time puuch Rahii Hai gayee! The angry sardar shouts back at him. Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee das rahan hai barah panthis (12:35) Pakistani Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and nobody else? Indian Boyfriend: Dead sure honey! I checked the whole list again yesterday. Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon? Pakistani Pupil: The moon, of course. Teacher: Why? PP: The moon gives us light when we need it, but the sun gives us light only in the day time then there is already daylight. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Pakistani Customer: What other colors do you have?

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One Pakistani to another: My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. Pakistani Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and I stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Pakistani Pupils: Brotherly love. Two Indians went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. The Pakistani owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained. The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches. A sp. question paper for u. Subject: JALANDHAR BOARD EXAM - 1999 No cheating please JALANDHAR BOARD COLLEGE EXAM QUESTION PAPER [this one's a little difficult than last year's] 1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabets allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed) 2. Sex? ( ) Male ( ) Female ( ) Sardar 3. What's your age group? ( ) less than 0 ( ) equal to 0 ( ) greater than 0 4. What's 2 + 2? ( ) FOUR ()4 ( ) IV 5. If you have one brother, how many brothers your brother has? ( ) none ( ) one ( ) question is too personal 6. Complete the following sentence ______ ________ ________ _________. 7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year? 8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question: "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".

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How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement? ( ) None ( ) few times ( ) uncountable times 9. If someone gives you a dollar for 100 cents, would you ( ) get one dollar? ( ) 100 cents? 10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences (HINT : My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a___________ (boy/girl). I am writing an essay.) 11. If the time is 3.00 what time is it on your digital watch? 12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrani Express come? 13. What do u do on a honeymoon? ( ) Collect Honey ( ) Admire Moon ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon 14. Earth is Flat? ( ) False ( ) Indeed False 15. If A=B and B=C then B=A? ( ) TRUE ( ) FALSE ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS 16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what u have during dinnertime? 17. If Ram is Sita's Husband, Who is Ram's Wife? 18. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT. 19. Complete the following poem : Mary had a little lamb little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or "^^" ) 20. What is this question number ()1 ( ) 10 ( ) 20 21. If 2 + 3=5, 3 + 2=5?? ( ) YES ( ) NO ( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR 22. write full form of ASAP As Soon As Possible. _________________ 23. Opposite of the word "IN" is ( ) NOT IN ( ) CRICKET ( ) PUNJAB 24. What is the capital of india?

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( ) India ( ) INDia ( ) INDIA 25. a,e,i,o and u are collectively called "vowels". what are e,a,i,o and u called? 26. Fill in the blank : I am _________ a letter. ( ) READING ( ) WRITING ( ) SEALING 27. Who was the first MAN to land on moon? ( ) MR. ARMSTRONG ( ) MISS ARMSTRONG ( ) MRS ARMSTRONG 28. What comes first? ( ) the Egg ( ) the Omelet 29. can you count more than five using your hands? ( ) YES ( ) NO 30. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y 31. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's ( ) Brother ( ) Son ( ) Daughter 32. car A start from X and car B start from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car has? ( ) One ( ) Four ( ) Seven 33. To reach to the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator? ( ) ONE ( ) TWELVE 34. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks] 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _. 35. this one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to india than AMERICA because. ( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA ( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA ( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one. your feedback counts.(please do not write how many times) I rate the difficulty level for the above question paper as ()8 ()9 ( ) 10 [NOTE : 1 is very easy and 10 is most difficult] Number of times I flipped a coin ( ) 35

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( ) 70 ( ) I forgot to bring my coin so I bluffed and prayed for good marks Thanks to our sardars, one can have inexpensive dose of laughter Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. Why do sardars have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. How can you tell when a sardar sends you a fax? it has a postage stamp on it. Why can't sardars dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone. How do you get a sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house. A sardar and a American were walking outside when the American said "Oh, look at the dead bird." The sardar looked skyward and said "Where, where? What do smart sardars and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. Why does it take longer to build a sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. Desi who falls at people's feet: Charan Singh Desi who falls at peoples' feet and stays there: Giro Charan Singh Why did the Juju think the film Gandhi was about a woman? Because Be(h)n Kingly was in it. Why is Pakistan a banana republic? Because Nawaz keeps chanting, "Hame ye banana hai, wo banana hi What is a jiving Sardar called? Breakdan Singh. Khalistan Jokes: Khalistan National Drink: Sarbat Khalsa Khalistan National Bird: Tandoori Chicken International Airline: Kitthe Pacific National Airline: Itthe Pacific National Anthem:Sten gun man National Taxi Service:Kar Seva What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh. What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.

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Khalistan's national song? Bande marte hum. A female Khalistan terrorist? Hard Kaur. A famous Khalistani profession? Jarnailism. khalistan history. SARSON-DA-SAGA The great wall of khalistan. LONG-O-WALL National dish of khalistan. AKALI-DAAL The dirty drain of khalistan. BAR-NALA A Sikh scuba diver. JULL-UNDER SINGH A better adapted Sikh diver. JULLUNDER SINGH GILL A bald sardarjee. BAL-WANT SINGH What does a sardarjee say to a whore?. WHORE JEE, KI HAL HAI? Q :- Why do you say (Bhagwan Shri) Rajneesh detests city life? A :- 'cos, from Koregaon he went to Oreg(a)on. Q :- What is the most noteworthy contribution of the Sindhis' to Hindustani Music? A :- Raga Kirvani. Q :- Why is A.P the land of underwear? A :- 'cos there they keep saying - yemUNDEE, chappUNDEE, koorchUNDDEE etc. Q :- What is the (State) Anthem of A.P? A :- telan-gana-mana Q - What is the most famous jingle in A.P? A :- A.P days are here again What do you call a bong who talks a lot, sometimes without making sense? Mr. Chatter Jee. Who is that guy visiting the Golden Temple everyday? Har Mandir Singh. What do you call a very rich Malayalee? Million Iyer Who is he who has many publications to his credit? Journal Singh

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What do you call a bong who takes bribe? Mr. Goosh Who is he who visited the Russia-China border? Long Wall Who is that guy who enlightens others? Lanthanwalla What do you call a Sikh female's boyfriend? Her Pal Singh What do you call a Sikh guy running towards the enemy camp with a white flag in his hand? (This had appeared on SCI long long ago.) Surrender Singh Q : How does a malayalee spell the word 'MOON'? A : M - O yet another O N. A Surd applied for an engineering position at a Punjabi firm based in Amritsar. A Pathan applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Surd and started. Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Pathan the job" Surd: "And why would you be doing that?We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab and me being Punjabi I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed" Surd: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the Pathan put down on question #5,"I don't know", You put down, "Neither do I " Sardarji Landing a Plane... Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot screams to the co-pilot : "Get the airplane up, the runaway is ending...". The co-pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent the pilot says: "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway." "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."

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Two sardarjis stayed in the same building. One lived on the first floor and the other one on the eighth floor. Both were great enemies. One day the sardarji on the eighth floor thought to befool the one on the first floor. He invited him for dinner. When the sardarji reached the eighth floor, he found his door locked and a board at his door " Kaisa bewkoof banaya " (how have I befooled you). Sardarji felt embarrased and to outplay him, he wrote down: " Main to yaha aya hi nahi tha " (I didn't come here). Sardarji on eighth floor said "Sala bach gaya iss bar!", on seeing the note. This was an encounter between J.R. Jayawardana (Former Sri Lankan President) and his barbar. Barbar: Sir! How is the situation in Jaffna. How is the military dealing with Prabhakaran? JR: Well we have deployed the Army, Navy and the Air Force. Situation is well under control.(Few minutes later) Barbar: Sir! How is the situation in Jaffna. How is the military dealing with Prabhakaran? JR: Well we have deployed the Army, Navy and the Air Force. Situation is well under control.(Few minutes later) Barbar: Sir! How is the situation in Jaffna. How is the military dealing with Prabhakaran? JR: Well we have deployed the Army, Navy and the Air Force. Situation is well under control. JR: What is wrong with you -- you have asked me the question the third time. Didn't you hear the answer the first time I told you? Barbar: Please don't be angry Sir! It is only because - every time I say the word Prabhakaran you hair is standing straight up -- makes it easier to cut. Ramesh : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Banta Singh: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home. In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him How many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Zail replied"Seven". Then his friend told him "When U eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty . Then how can U eat seven??". Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife " How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach??". She replied "Five". Then Zail told " Shit!! If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it" Once a Sardarji captain of a naval ship sails near the equator. Suddenly he demands from his crewmates, that he wanted to see equator. Otherwise he will courtmartial them. All of them r stumped. Then one of them gets an idea. He suggests "please see through the telescope, and u can see the equator"

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Then he plucks a hair from the captain's head and holds it across the telescope. The sardarji is delighted at seeing the "equator " so clearly and says "jiyo mere puthar (live my son), I can not only see the equator, but also an elephant walking on it. The bright man is stumped. How could he see an elephant in the middle of the sea? As the captain lowers his telescope, he looks at the hair he had plucked. There was a louse walking on the strand of hair!

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming swallow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, when the weather turned very cold, he reluctantly started to fly southwards. In a short time ice began to form on its wings and it fell to earth in a barnyard frozen still. A cow passed by and crapped on the little swallow. The swallow thought it was the end. But the dung warmed it and defrosted its wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, it started to chirp. Just then a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping, found out where it was coming from, clawed away the dung and swallowed the swallow. Moral: Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy: everyone who gets you out of the shit Lover's kisses The perfect kiss(es) is after lovemaking... when your love takes your face in his hands, softly kisses between your eyes, on the tip of your nose, and a long kiss on the lips... melts any heart. Kisses even before lovemaking is good to arouse your partner. Eskimo Kiss: While you're laying in bed, lean over and rub noses with your love, it brings a smile to both of your faces. I like it when I have my eyes closed, he then sweetly and softly kisses my top lip then my bottom lip then softly and slowly kisses both of them. It's beautiful and sensual. It feels nice when your lover kisses your forehead nose and finally your lips whispering how much you mean to him, and he holds you tight till we fall asleep, and when you wake up the next day you are still in his arms. How romantic and loving it feels. Lip Licking: Slowly but softly run the tip of your tongue along your lover's lips almost like you are lightly licking them. It catches most men off guard, but I've got nothing but rave reviews. Neck Kiss: Nibble the ear, kiss the earlobe. Trace the neck and jawbone. Tease with your lips. Pull away. Lightly kiss the mouth. Then press harder. Kiss more passionately. Then let your tongue touch theirs... You make your own from there Teaser Kiss: Starting on the forehead, a sweet short kiss on lips, then move up the arms up to her hand, kiss her hand, then come back up her arm, to her face and then lightly kiss her lips till she wants a passionate kiss.) Lip Savor: Gently kiss your lover's top OR bottom lip and then lick it before taking in the entire lip. Strawberry Kiss: Place a strawberry in your mouth and go to kiss your unknowing partner. Crush the strawberry in your mouth and feed part of it to your partner while you kiss. Gentle Kiss: Rub your finger across their lips and look up at them and tell them that you love them. Then go into a little lips and if you want to show them how passionate you can get go to using your tongue. Sensual Kiss: Start by hugging your love really gentle, then look in their eyes and whisper you want to kiss them. Press your lips gently with theirs, but do not actually make the kissing sensation, caress

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your lips with theirs, move your lips in a circular motion onto their lips and when they least expect it, give him or her a sweet but honest kiss. This kiss would really put them in the mood for romance!! Eye Kiss: Hold your partners head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partners eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes. Toe Kiss: Nibble on the toes. Make sure the feet are clean first try a foot massage so you know their clean then kiss those toes everywhere. Cheek Kiss: Gently brush your cheek against your partner's cheek. Then slowly brush your partner's lips with your tongue a few times teasing them. Then kiss your partner passionately. 3 Kisses In One: First, start out with butterfly kisses (the ones where you brush your eyelashes next to each other). Then, move down to Eskimo kisses (rubbing your noses). Finally, do a real kiss. Touch your lips to their lips, gently at first like butterfly kisses or Eskimo ones, but then get more passionate! Outline Kiss: You have your partner close his mouth so his lips are naturally together. Then, you outline his lips with your tongue before you begin the kiss. (submitted by Anon.) Finger Kiss: While laying together gently suck on their fingers. This can be very seductive and pleasurable. Hostage Kiss: Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off. Once they remove the tape from you to hear what you're trying to say tell them, "You've been saving your lips all day just for them!" Then kiss your love passionately! Rose Petal Kiss: To be used in conjunction with nibbles on the neck or other body parts. *G* Make a tiny "O" with your lips, and place them against you loves skin and suck softly. Then lifting your lips only a little move over a little bit and repeat. The sensations felt can vary from tickle to erotic, depending on the area and technique. Red Light Kiss: Here is something you can do to make car trips more enjoyable and interactive. When in the car with your love, every time you are stopped at a red light waiting for it to turn green, you both lean over to kiss each other. Wake Up Kiss: Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up! Strawberry Kiss: What's the best kiss of all? The flavored kind! And what's the best summer flavor? Strawberry! Slap on some strawberry lip gloss (ladies) and kiss your guy on the lips. (No tongue!) Then you both lick your lips, and repeat. Be sure the lip gloss tastes as good as it smells, or it won't work! Make Up Kisses: At the end of a hard day sit down with your partner and ask them how his/her day went. Silently keep track of all the misfortunes or bad things that happened during the day, when he/she is finished give them a kiss for each one. When asked whet you're doing say you are making up for all those problems. Sweet Whispers: Gently give little kisses on your love's ears. In between your kisses, whisper romantic thoughts to them. Machine Gun Kiss: As quickly as possible, kiss your love as many times as you can in row. Preferably in different spots on their face. Neck Kiss: Surprise your love by going behind them and moving their hair out of the way. Then once their neck is exposed, passionately kiss it and softly blow on the nape.

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Lower Lip Lick: When kissing - passionately or just normal - Just slow him down and then slowly and softly run your tongue along his lower lip, then move away a bit and lick his upper lip. He goes nuts. Feather Kisses: When your love is sleeping or laying on the sofa. Unexpectedly lean over them and plant the lightest kisses possible over their entire forehead and face. When your done walk away and resume what you were doing. Full Body Kiss: While your husband is laying down watching T.V, slip over to him and start running your tongue up his leg, arms, then reaching his lips give him a full passionate kiss. WOW! Lead Up Kiss: Do not kiss your love all day until the "big" kiss. Throughout the day leave Hershey's kisses in romantic places like on top of your love's pillow, or on their plate, next to their coffee cup... anywhere they will know it's for them. Later in the day start leaving notes with kissing poems or the quotes on it instead of the Hershey's kisses. After that leave a love letter describing how you'd like to kiss them and how you enjoy it. Once you feel they've had enough teasing, spend 20 minutes or so rewarding them with wonderful, passionate kisses! Vacation Kiss: While driving to your vacation destination, make the most of every rest stop by going behind one of the trees (meant to provide shade to picnickers) and stealing a quick, yet romantic, kiss from your lover. You will feel childish, but you will have something to look forward to finishing when you arrive. Teaser Kiss II: When you next see your love, kiss them everywhere you possibly can except their lips. Pretend to almost kiss their lips and instead kiss somewhere else. When you feel your partner has had enough tormenting give them a huge, juicy kiss on the lips! Finger Tease Kiss: When sitting next to your love, softly run your fingers across there lips, lure them in to kissing you, but before you kiss, pull away and then go in for the kiss, then pull away again, tease them a little! Edible Lip gloss Kiss: This isn't really an actual kiss technique but it can make your kissing a bit more pleasurable! Buy a few different flavored lip glosses. The next time you're going to kiss your honey put a little on. He'll definitely appreciate the surprise. For guys slip her a tube of lip gloss for her to put on for you. Ice Kiss: For fun or for a sensual moment, put a piece of ice in your mouth without your partner knowing. Then, go behind them and kiss them on the neck and let the ice softly touch their skin while you're kissing them. Drive-by Kissing: When your partner is totally not expecting it walk by them, and plant a hearty kiss right on their lips. Then tell them they were a victim of a drive-by kissing!! Comforting Kiss: Although passionate, make-your-heart-beat -so-fast-you-think-it's-going-toexplode-take-my-breath-away kisses are wonderful, sometimes a soft, heartfelt kiss on the cheek when the one you love is upset can be just what they need. It shows you care, simply, without words. Back Kisses: The next time you're snuggling with your love, snuggle up behind them and precede to cover their back with tiny little kisses. It's guaranteed to give you a good response! Foot Kisses: When your lover comes home from work, or wherever, wash their feet and give them a massage. While you're giving them the massage, lean over and give little kisses on their feet! They will completely appreciate the special treatment! These have some which some of us might not have heard before........ A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.

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A rat can last longer without water than a camel. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two Weeks The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down bottom of the glass to the top. continually from the otherwise it will digest itself

A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if trong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it! A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue! In Lebanon it is legal to have sex with a female animal, but illegal with a male one. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. Every person has a unique tongue print. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. On an average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from Hemp. The stem and leaves of a marijuana plant. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

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There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. Bubble gum contains rubber. Human birth control pills work on gorillas. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA' By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. Cat's urine glows under a black light. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. In India it costs less to have sex with a prostitute than it does to buy free. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Check these interesting facts! If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.(In my next life I want to be a pig !) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Still not over that pig thing!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?) On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....) a condom. "Nirodh" of course is

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A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. ( that's still not reason enough to tease it ) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...? (Did the govt pay for this research??) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!...unless you want to shake hands) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death...( and they say you don't live to eat ) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...." Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!) Butterflies taste with their feet.(Oh, jeez!) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.....) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!.found mostly in Punjab & Canada) Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown.(BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole on the head.) Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. Itcan be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary wasfucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really fucks hard), a passive verb (Mary really likes being fucked by John), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"

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8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." It can be political- "Fuck Bill Clinton!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger" "What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is mis-spelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

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11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is"after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? Ever thought what is globalisation ???? An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French Tunnel driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian driver,who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Papparazi, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines, dies! That is globalisation ! STUPID ANSWERS TO SILLY QUESTIONS: Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed???? A. A cherry float. Q. What did the sign on the whorehouse door say? A. We're closed, so beat it! Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire and call it Goodyear. Q. What`s the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it is a shame to pull it out.

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Q. What`s the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What`s the ultimate rejection? A. When you are masterbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toybox? A. She was sitting on Pinocchio`s face, and moaning "Lie to me". Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it is no big deal, unless you aren't getting any. Q. If there is H2O inside a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. Q. What`s another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-Dough. Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snowblower coming. The two of us were chatting on the instant messanger recently (trying to avoid work), when the subject of bras came up. First bras, specifically. We were struck by the similarities and differences of our experiences, and so we're sharing them with you as the first in what will be a series of articles covering breasts, boobs, bosoms, or whatever else you want to call 'em.

Ashley's Tale Horrified. Completely horrified and embarrassed. Thats how I felt as my stepmother directed me toward the Ladies Undies department of Nordstroms. I was 11 years old and was visiting my father and stepmother during summer vacation. I cant remember what else we were shopping for, but know now that she had a hidden agenda. My stepmom took my hand and swung me around. I could feel her eyes piercing into my chest as she decided that I needed my first bra. It was the first time I was truly aware of them my boobs. Before then I was completely comfortable with my body, but all-of-a-sudden it happened. I became self-conscious. It was instantaneous and I never got over it. I was offended when she suggested that I get a bra. First of all, I was just FINE not wearing one because my boobs were certainly NOT getting in my way. Secondly, I think I felt the whole "she's not my mom, who the heck does she think she is?" thing. If anyone was going to tell me to wear a bra it was going to be my mom not my fathers wife. When she waved over the sales clerk I just wanted to shrivel up and die. Besides having my stepmom give me the once-over, I now had to endure the same scrutiny from some random Nordstroms sales clerk. She examined my chest and decided on the size and then we all filed into the fitting room my stepmom, the random Nordstroms sales

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clerk, and me. Needless to say, I was living a nightmare. And besides that, the bra was not comfortable. I had elastic and scratchy cotton stretched across my chest, around my boobs, and under my arms. I couldnt wait to take it off. But thats when the real shocker was revealed I wouldnt be taking it off. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. I would have this sort of contraption with me for the rest of my life. To this day I still dont like bras. Of course, Ive gotten used to them, but I don't wear them if I can get away with it. Like today I'm braless. And no one would notice because one thing that hasnt changed much since I was 11 is my bra size. Im not tiny, but Im no Dolly Parton either. And I like the size of my boobs. Not too large so I wont have back problems. Not too little, but little enough to go without a bra on occasion. Yeah, Ive learned to live with bras and even enjoy shopping for them now but I wouldnt be opposed to throwing them all away if society would let me.

Vanessa's Story I had been spending a lot of time thinking about my pointy little bumps on my chest when I was 11. I could see that something had really started happening. They were growing, changing shape, and getting sore. Still, the idea that it was Time For My First Bra hadn't quite sunk in. My mother finally made the suggestion to me sometime during the summer between 6th and 7th grades; it was time for The Purchase. We went to the girls' section of Lazarus, which had its own rack of white elastic things they called bras. A lot of them came in little cardboard boxes that had solemn photographs on the front: the models had long hair in wholesome ponytails, their heads turned, looking as they didn't even realize they were WEARING BRAS. I couldn't concentrate on the differences between the styles, because I found myself staring at the carpet whenever my mom would select one, squeezing the padding or stretching the elastic and asking "What do you think of this one?" Once behind closed dressing room doors I relaxed a bit. With Mom's help I got the hooks done and the straps adjusted of several different models, and finally selected one. I kept going back and forth between wanting to laugh at the sight of me wearing this bandage-looking thing around my chest, and feeling like I had to be very, very serious (since I was all grown up now). Despite the snugness of it, I became excited about my new purchase and decided to wear nothing but white t-shirts so that everyone could see that YES! I HAD A BRA! That enthusiasm lasted for exactly one day. The next morning when I woke up I realized I didn't want to wear that stupid tight thing around my body. Certainly not in the 90 degree Indiana heat. I talked to my mother recently about the incident, and she remembers it even more vividly than I do. "You were furious," she told me. "You

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seemed to think that someone had played a huge trick on you." Luckily, I got used to wearing a bra very quickly and the embarrassing undergarment became totally ordinary. And until that happened, I could amuse myself by standing in front of the mirror with toilet paper stuffed into each cup in order to look "grown." I'm completely dependent on my bras now. I barely feel them, and I have enough kinds to choose from that I never show through my white t-shirts anymore. Plus it's much better than having to clutch a breast in each hand while running up the stairs to avoid that uncomfortable bouncing. I may go "free" once in a while on the weekend, when I'm lying around the house, but in general I can't imagine not wearing onemuch to my surprise Once upon a time there was a nonconforming swallow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, when the weather turned very cold, he reluctantly started to fly southwards. In a short time ice began to form on its wings and it fell to earth in a barnyard frozen still. A cow passed by and crapped on the little swallow. The swallow thought it was the end. But the dung warmed it and defrosted its wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, it started to chirp. Just then a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping, found out where it was coming from, clawed away the dung and swallowed the swallow. Moral: Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy: everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend, and if youre warm and happy

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