ABUSED / BROKEN / REJECTED / AFRAID / ASHAMED / ALONE

MY JOURNEY STARTED1961 AT SEVEN YEARS OLD. SHARE ABOUT THE ABUSE TO YOU, YOUR JOURNEY UP TO 16. AS I LAYED ON MY BED OR TRYED TO HIDE, THINKING I WOULD BE SAFE,CRYING OUT THERE WAS KNOW ONE TO HERE MY CRYES EXCEPT MY JESUS,BECAUSE I ALWAYS HERD IN SUNDAY SCHOOL THAT JESUS TOOK CARE OF THE LITTLE CHILDREN. I WOULD ALWAYS ASK HIM WHERE ARE YOU, THERE IS NO ONE TO PROTECT ME, CANT YOU HERE ME CRYING. MY MOM WAS ALL SICK, IN THE HOSPTIAL FROM DOING DRUS, AND DAD WAS DRUNK AND GONE. I NOT ONLY HAD TO CARE FOR MY MOM DURING THIS BUT I HAD A YOUGER BROTHER TO CARE FOR MY MOTHER HAD MOVED IN MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER WHOM WAS BED RIDING TO BRING IN MORE MONEY, BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO CARE FOR HER TOO.BY THE TIME I WAS 10, I WAS MY MOTHERS CHILD SLAVE. I WOULD LIE SO NONE OF MY FRIENDS WOULD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE. MY OLDER SIBLINGS HAD GOTTEN MARREID AND MOVED ON THEY WERE SEVEN /EIGHT YEARS OLDER. BY THE TIME I WAS 14 I KNEW THAT I WAS GOING TO FIND AWAY OUT.ONE MONTH BEFORE MY 16 BIRTHDAY 1969, I WAS MARREID.I HAD STUFFED ALL THIS DOWN AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE SAFE FROM MY PAST WRONG I MARRIED EXCATILY WHAT I HAD GOT OUT OFF. THE ABUSE CONTINUED TO HAUNT ME, I JUST DIDN T KNOW IT. THE ABUSE HAD ALREADY IMPACTED WHO I WAS. REJECTION, DIRTNESS, ASHAMED, ALONE.
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I BECAME PREGANT WITH MY SON AND GAVE BIRTH TO HIM SEPT.8, 1970. I HAD NO CLUE HOW TO LOVE, EVEN THEN I WOULD CRY OUT TO JESUS, HELP ME LORD TO LOVE, THIS GIFT YOU HAVE GIVING ME. I THOUGHT NO ONE COULD TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME OR HURT HIM; I WOULDPROTECT HIM WITH MY LIFE. {EVERYONE KEEP THIS IN YOUR MINDS} I WILL BE COMING BACK TO THIS. I HAD TROUBLE CARING HIM AND DELIVERD HIM IN MY SEVENTH MONTH. I WAS TOLD THEN I WOULD NEVER HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN WAS THAT WAS FINE WITH ME I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN, I DIDN T WANT THEM TO EVER GO THROUGH THE ABUSE I DID. WELL FOUR YEARS LATER I HAD A SURPRISE MY AMY WAS BORN AND SHE HAD SPINA BIFIDA. WELL THE JOURNEY GOT EVEN HARDER SHE WAS TO NEVER LIVE, AND ALL I COULD WAS JESUS PLEASE LET ME LOVE HER AND HER KNOW THAT I AM HER MOTHER, AND I WILL QUESTION YOU. WELL HE DID AND I GOT TO BRING AMY HOME, WHEN SHE WAS 8 MONTHS.I HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS AHEAD OF ME. REMEMBER I AM JUST A LITTLE BAPTIST GIRL AND REALLY DID NOT KNOW JESUS, ONLY WHAT I AHD HEARD.BY THE TIME I WAS 20, DIVORCED AND RAISING 2 CHILDREN ON MY OWN. AND ONLY HAD MY GED.SO IN ORDER TO BRING AMY HOME FROM THE HOSPITIAL I HAD BEGIN NURSING SCHOOL WITH MY TRAINING COMING FROM THE DOCTORS AT THE HOSPITIAL WHERE AMY WAS THE HEAD OF NEROULGY DR. ROUTIN, AND HEAD OF UROLOGY DIXON WALKER START MY TRAINING. HOW I WAS GOING TO DO THIS I DID NOT NO, I COULDN T EVEN CHANGE MY SONS DIAPER WITHOUT THROWING UP. YOU THINK GOD DIDN T HAVE A HAND IN THIS?
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THE YEARS WENT ON AND TRADGADEY COUNTIUEED TO HIT. 1. AT 4 1978 AMY HAD HER FIRST MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY, SHE WAS IN INTENSIVE CARE FOR 21 DAYS.SHE WAS NOT TO LIVE,BUT WE GOT TO GO HOME. 2. THE NEXT AFTERNOON MY SON 8 YEARS OLD WAS HIT BY CAR AND IN INTENSIVE CARE FOR 20 DAYS NOT TO LIVE.[EXPLAIN WHAT TOOK PLACE] 3. BUT WE MADE LEMON AIDE OUT OF LEMONS WITH LAUGHTER. 4. TRIPS OUT WAS THE FUNNIEST. CAN YOU AMAGINE A KID WITH BANDGES WRAPED AROUND HER HEAD AND THE OTHER IN A FULL BODY CAST. AND MY SON ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING TO SAY WHEN PEOPLE WOULD STARE AT US. 5. AMY WAS IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITIAL CONTINUESLY ONE SURGERY AFTER ANOTHER BY THE TIME SHE WAS 13 SHE DIED FOR 6 MINS. LOST ALL HER SKILLS OF READING AND WRITING. THE STRUGEL BEGAN TO GET WORISE SOME HOW SHE NEW THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO DO THIS BEFORE AND NOW IT WAS ALL GONE. AMY BECAME A DIFFERENT PERSON. SHE SEEMED TO JUST WANT TO CAUSE TROUBLE TO HAVE MORE ATTENTION. LORD HELP US, LIKE SHE DIDN T GET ENOUGH BUT SHE TRUNED ALL HER ANGER TOWARD ME AND HER BROTHER. THANK YOU JESUS THAT BY THIS TIME WE WERE SPIRIT FILLED, TOUNG TALKING, [EXPLAIN]
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6. IN THE MIST OF THIS AT 24, I FOUND OUT I HAD CERVICAL CANCER,I HAD REMARRIED AND THIS IS WHEN I REALLY BEGAN TO QUESTION WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, WHY I ALWAYS FELT SO DIRTY AND HAD TO NEED TO GO SHOWER AND WASH ALL THE DIRTINESS OFF ME AFTER HAVING SEX. JESUS HELP ME IT ONLY GOT WORISE. WOUND UP RUNING THAT RELATIONSHIP, AND OTHERS, WERE THEY BAD MEN KNOW I JUST MADE MORE WRONG CHOICE BECAUSE, I WANTED TO BE RIGHT ABOUT THEM I NEW THEY WOULDN T STAY, THEY JUST USED ME LIKE ALL THE OTHER MEN.

7. IN 1987 AT 33 FOUND OUT I HAD BREAST CANCER IN RIGHT BREAST SIX MONTHS LATER IN MY LEFT BREAST AND OVERIES.THIS IS WHEN THE BOMB FELL AND GOD BEGAN TO MAKE ME DEAL WITH THE ABUSE AND ALL THE REST. I HAD BEEN TO SEE A LOT OF COUNCERLERS IN THE PAST AND ALL THEY DID WAS PUT THE BANDAIDES ON AND BEFORE I NEW IT I WAS COVERED AND LOOKE LIKE A MUMMY. AND KNOW ONE COULD SEE WHO I REALLY WAS.WHEN I STARTED TO UNRAVEL I HAD TO DEAL WITH ONE THING AT A TIME.BY THIS TIME I WAS ALONE AND IT WAS JUST ME AND JESUS.AS I BEGAN TO SCREAM AND CRY OUT TO THE LORD AND REMIND HIME OF HIS WORD OVER EACH SITITIOUN IT ALL CAME DOWN TO FORGIVENESS AND AS I BECAME FREE I KNEW THAT THE LORD WAS GOING TO HEAL ME.

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MY CANCER MY ABUSE MY FATHER WASN T MY FATHER. 1989 MY SISTER WAS ABUSED BY THE SAME MEN. MY MOTHER WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH OUR PASTOR. MY SISTER FOUND OUT SHE HAD OVERIAN AND BREAST CANCER AND PAST AWAY TWO YEARS LATER.

WE HAVE TO GRIEF THROUGH DEPRESSION TO COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE.IF YOU DON T YOU WILL STAY DEPRESSED. IF YOU HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH THE PAIN OF THOSE LOSSES AS THAT LITTLE GIRL OR BOY YOU WILL STAY IN YOUR DEPERESSION. WE HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN SO WE CAN GET TO THE OTHER SIDE.

WHEN YOUR BROKEN FROM ALL THE ABUSE, NASTINESS, UGLYNESS OF WHO WE ARE, THE WORLD CAN PUT A BANAIDE ON THE WOUNDS TO HELP YOU COUPE FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN YOU JUST BEGAN TO LOOK LIKE A MUMMY, AND THAT KEEPS EVERYONE FROM SEEING WHO WE RALLY ARE BECAUSE IF THEY DO THEY WANT LIKE ME, BUT MY JESUS KNEW ALL ALONG.AND ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WRAP ME IN HIS ROBE OF LOVE MERCEY AND GRACE AND HEAL MY MIND BODY AND SOUL. AND BECAUSE OF THAT I AM HERE TODAY AND I TRYING AND LET HIM DRIVE MY CAR, AND I AM VERY CAREFUL WHOM I LET RIDE WITH ME.

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I CAN TELL YOU THIS IF I DIDN T FORGIVE I WOULD OF NEVER RECEIVED MY HEALING. WHEN WE FEEL LIKE WE ARE BONES IN THE DESERT WE CAN SPEAK TO OUR BONES JUST AS EZKEL DID, OUR BONES MAYBE ABUSE, SHAME, DEPRESSON, REJECTION, UNFORGIVENESS, BUT WE CAN SPEAKE TO THEM JUST THE SAME, JESUS WILL HELP US MAKE OUR LIFES WHOLE AND TOGETHER SO THAT WE CAN LIVE AS WHOLE WOMAN & MEN IN EVER AREA OF OUR LIFES.

IN 1994 I REMARRIED, TOMARROW WE WILL FINISH UP WITH MY JOURNEY AND HEALING.

BECAUSE I HONRED WHAT MY JESUS, HE HONERED ME WITH THIS WONDERFUL MAN OF GOD AFTER 52 YEARS.

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