bLAh

GUEST STARRING HER

by Phil Brody

Every week spent here is a roller coaster ride dramatic ups making it hard to stifle whitened smiles, and then downthe impossible to escape woe-is-me daze I refer to as bLAh.

bLAh

GUEST STARRING HER

Every week spent here is a roller coaster ride dramatic ups making it hard to stifle whitened smiles, and then downthe impossible to escape woe-is-me daze I refer to as bLAh.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! HER Im gonna be on Dexter!
!

by Phil Brody

Here in LA, things are different. Actresses are the main course. And it seems I fall for a new one with each new season. Why, you ask? Well, my friends, its simplethey often serve me compliments for my writing, and affirmation is mighty intoxicating. And thats the end of metaphorfest. Ill spare you any more. As the girls back in Chicago used to say, eighty-six the allegories.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! HER Im gonna be on Dexter! ! ME That is awesome news, babe. We definitely need to celebrate this accomplishment. ! HER Totes. Just let me know the deets.

! BFF What? ! HER Yeah. ! No. BFF

! HER Yeah. ! BFF Shut! Up!

This is how they talk, her and her friendsin Twitter-like statements of 140 characters or less. Theyre smart, funny, and artistic. However, when they speak, email, or text, emoticons roll off the end of their sentences and hash-tag stamps punctuate every conversation.
! ! ! ! ! HER #ThisIsBigNews ! !

Back in Chicago, I had a thing for waitresses. My friends said I often fell for them because they served me hot food and cold beverages. They surmised it was Pavlovian. Smitten with their talents and assets, Id try to convince my friends there was more to ithowever, I now know they were right. I was the dog in these relationships panting and wagging my tail at the first sight of a Bells.

Ugh. I sound like some jerk that doesnt deserve any sort of love interest. Im not. Im just older and set in my ways. Plus, Im a huge fan of complete sentences. I met HER through friends and liked her from the get-go, despite our verbal differences. She warmed to me after a couple drinks, then a string of dates.

Kill me now. Please.

Shes the type of girl men change forbecome something theyre not just to be with her. I refuse to edit myself, and it puts a strain on our relationship. Not certain how long these episodes will lasthowever, I am enjoying the show. , She lives in Santa Monica and, upon arrival, I see she has stacked her viewing party with BFFs ready and able to feed her affirmation all night. ! You rock. Affirmation dissolves into Ya gonna be on Dexter! consolation and the party begins Dexters gonna be on to awkwardly disperse. Her you, byatch! place is already empty as the Watch out, Emma, shows credits roll. I stay, aim to theres a new star cheer her up, but shell have in town! none of it. Rather be alone, she She scored this guest-starring says as she walks me to the door. role a mere nine months after moving to LA, and she looks I give her space, but it seems like a proud mama about to pop. she needs more than I thought. The show starts and everyone is Our relationship fizzles after p e r c h e d , e d g e - o f - s e a t s , that night and, while I miss her anticipating her claim to fame. smile and her touch, I do not Thirty-five minutes in I hear her miss her emoticon brevity. whisper, Oh no. She doesnt need to say any more. I get it. I sit back, having seen this scene play out half a dozen times before. However, her friends are green. They inquire, What? Whats wrong? She bows her head, looks like shes about to cry. !
! ! !

I got ahold of my scenethe one that was cut. Do you want to see it? Im thinking she wants to save face and might be craving some affirmation. As a writer living in bLAh, Im in touch with those emotions. So I tell her to head over and she does. We watch the scene. Set in a Hooters, she plays a waitress. Be still my penis. She provides a cop with a key piece of information that puts him hot on the trail of Dexter. Her moment is short and sweet, but she shines in it. Had it not hit the editing room floor, the scene would have turned her party into an all-night celebration. I tell her that. I compliment her and her talent and she smiles. I touch her assets and she warms to me.
HER I missed you. ME Missed you too.

We kiss. We get busy.

ME (whispering) Hey. By any chance did you get to keep that uniform? HER What? Yeah. Its in my car. ME #ThisIsHugeNews
FADE TO BLACK emailphilbrody@gmail.com

! ! ! ! !

HER They skipped my scene. I think I was edited out.

A few weeks later, I receive an unexpected and wellpunctuated text from her.

Phil Brody is a writer living in bLAh.